Connor, I have listened to a lot of content on RU-vid and have to say that your videos are some of the best I have seen. I have learned so much from you and appreciate all you do! I grew up in a church setting that taught me that my needs are not important and always come secondary, women are to be treated like a princess and put on a pedestal and to never stand up for myself and say no. These teachings were damaging and I am turning it around and starting to become stronger and get out of the nice guy routine. I have learned that finding purpose and raising my own self values and worth is attractive and an essential part of any relationship. Keep up the good work!
@@waylonsmith8798 outstanding brother, appreciate you tuning in, sharing your journey and for the feedback. Glad my work is hitting home for you. Let me know if there are certain topics you want me to cover.
It’s hard to notice when you’re being a “nice guy”. The part that makes me angry is that I have to take responsibility for not knowing any better. I was raised in abusive household by women so I feel like so much time has been wasted now that I’m learning this stuff.
Yeah, it's not our fault, but it is our responsibility. But that's a good thing. Holding yourself accountable puts the power to shape your life back in your hands. The hardest part for me has been trying to get in touch with what my actual needs are. I've spent so long ignoring them...
@Pacolad I totally get it. Be patient with yourself always. It gets better incrementally, but you have to pace yourself. Don’t let anyone force you to go at a pace that doesn’t work for you. This was one of my biggest challenges, but once I learned to have healthy boundaries with myself, I was able to implement them outward to others. Always reflect on and reward your wins. You learn more from/about yourself when you do this. You connect stronger.
@@bjmaynard01I totally agree. That was one of my biggest hurdles too, until I realized how important and necessary it was… Knowing what I want is half the battle. Articulating it is the other half, and that was really the tough part. Still is sometimes. I had to let go of feeling like I was hurting people’s feelings by telling them what I wanted and choosing not to go with their program. Or dealing with a disrespectful woman and telling her off in a smooth and clever way lol. Isn’t that crazy, that as grown men, we’ve had to learn that?
As a former nice guy and simp, I loved this video. The only way to get real respect from a woman is to stand up to her and civilly speak your mind. If she truly likes/loves you and wants to be with you, a sense of fear will get instilled in her of you potentially being unhappy with her and possibly leaving her because of it, and that will in turn make her respect you and your feelings more. Men fear being single and having no access to sex. That is why most of us put women on a pedestal, because it's so damn hard to get a woman in this day and age to begin with. But you have to kill the inner simp. There is no other way.
@thexorode This is my way of thinking. When you don't make sex your purpose or priority, then it won't have any power over you. Sex just releasing chemicals you can get those chemicals in other ways and i don't mean through porn or masturbating. Find a purpose, something enjoyable. If you put sex as priority one then it has power over you and can control you. Sex shouldn't be your goal in life. It's something to be enjoyed between two people out of love and to reproduce.
@@thexorode You will bro, I spent all of my 20s chasing women and thinking getting laid was the most important thing in the world it had so much power over me and I rarely got laid and when I did, I felt empty afterwards and those girls where not very good girls lol. It's cliche I know but just always be working on yourself and good things will come to you. Self-improvement is a long journey. Never having sex before can be a positive because when you do find a nice girl you don't have to share all the terrible things you did to get laid. Like some of us have too haha. I kind of envy you bro.
I’m enjoying your talks. I’ve been both bad boy and nice guy. I lost my edge as a man of stature after combat. Completely devastated and severely depressed. Adjusting to civilian life still seems foreign to me. Finding a sense of self-worth and being able to engage during disagreements became extremely aggravated and disruptive for me. I changed by becoming accommodating to people. IT DOESNT WORK. Try not to go back to the literal beast I was has kept me imprisoned. Finding my way back still feels like a place I’m not sure I can reach. Thank you much for the encouraging words.
I served in an Infantry Unit in the Army and am in my Masters for psychology. My recommendation is to seek out that conflict. Not physically but verbal by standing up for yourself. We served our country and that in fact does make us better and deserve respect
Thank you for your service; and yes, you deserve respect. But so does everyone else who behaves in a lawful and civil manner, and (maybe) even a little more so does everyone who contributes to society in some way. Could you possibly stand up for yourself, without thinking you’re “better” than others just because military service wasn’t a suitable life choice for them? Or could you at least stop making your contempt for others so obvious?
Very, very true. It’s just one unhealed way of behaviour to another. I think the world actually prefers the one with the edge, at least he’s honest. Everyone knows the nice guy has some kind of agenda, even if it’s just simply not trying to be an uncivilised beast. Can think back to having an edge days, and people loved me for it, even if very imperfect. I used to be surprised girls liked it too, as was conditioned to believe they liked nice guys. Seems like people with decent self worth have a good middle ground. Often polite and decent people, but don’t seek to people please, they don’t need external validation. I remember one nice guy nicely asking a normal guy at work “how was Vegas?” The nice guy was expecting something like “it was really good thank you, we had a great time.” But he just replied “how you’d expect it to be.” Always remembered the way he treated the nice guy question with contempt without being rude. It was such an insincere question too, just how was it? Really is not worth being a nice at all, it does lead to pent up rage. Do sleep well at night when have self worth and aren’t afraid to be ourselves.
I have definitely suffered from the nice guy syndrome. Being non-confrontational and avoiding conflict has been my worst habits. So not getting my needs met has become a real issue for me now, but I am working at it.
I've struggled with this for all my life. Became everyone's punching bag ruined my confidence. Went from passive aggressive victim to overly nice and timid. Felt very confused. Now I communicate honestly. I know I have a lot of work to do. But It will be worth it. Letting everyone walk all over me in hope of making friends. Now I have a few friends now and I don't expect people to be nice to me after I've been nice to them. I know my worth and value now.
As a guy who still struggles with this, I think the art of disagreement and the willingness to express your needs cannot go understated. it can be confusing at times when the terror of rejection is almost embedded in your knee jerk responds to pushback regardless of the reason. Partly because pushing back feels so black and white. Filtering, being mindful, and calm in these moments can be extremely difficult so thank you Connor. Every video you have put out feels like each puzzle piece I needed to start getting my shit together.
One of the things i have been doing since i picked up “no more mr. Nice guy” is Dr glover says to ask for things that are difficult to ask for, its quite uncomfortable, but also quite worth it.
Best things is if both have a same rule... Based on recharging a battery. People who do meditation daily, understanfd oit... thats oemtimes your mental strength goes down and you need to recharge menatlly physically, or you feel nervous becauswe of other peopel etc. And if both do mediation they have much bigger empathy for the other person, and read theoir energy, communication improves etc.
Dr. Robert Glover's book is a great starting point for any nice guy who wants to start taking back his masculinity. So is "The Way of a Superior Man". Drop the nice, and take back control of your life men.
I’ve been doing the work and reading through No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Glover. Today started rough, was falling back into my old ways just slightly. Asserted myself and didn’t over explain or apologize and snapped right back into my masculine framework.
Getting calm with confrontation, know what the contention is and do not try to hide from it. I think I'm finally learning how to express it without going into a manic bipolar moment that really bothers people but my firmness of voice is also off-putting for them. If they deserve it I have some fun with it, now. I'm not in a relationship, anymore, and very little interaction outside business, which I'm inclined to be wary of, or hostile toward, anyway. I liked the calm, even, but firm voice that I had this morning at such a meeting. I felt like I was expressing myself like an honest adult.
“You have to be willing to engage in confrontation you absolutely cannot avoid it. Every nice guy is trapped in the nice guy archetype because he is trying to change without confrontation” Omg man you nailed it. I see this is 2 years old, I would love it if you re visited your thoughts and ways to combat nice guy syndrome. The way you speak of it is even clearer than dr glover himself in my opinion and I would love to hear more
The part about exposure therapy hit me the hardest because it's the current phase I'm in. I'm trying to find the courage to take the leap of faith and risk rejection and pain in pursuit of what I want and need. It's really hard, but I feel like I'm up to the challenge. I've been taking baby steps, but there are still major areas where I need to take more risks and speak up. This quote from the video stuck out to me: "It's not about the outcome, necessarily, in the beginning. It's about exposing yourself to the risk of rejection, the risk of failure, the risk of getting it wrong, and staying ground, centered, calm, in the face of knowing that those things might happen. Most nice guys are so afraid of rejection, they're so afraid of failure, they're so afraid of hurting the other person, of getting it wrong with them, of causing their girlfriend, or their wife, or whoever pain that they don't say what they want. Those are the excuses that a nice guy will use. So you have to risk those things happening."
I'm more than thankful for your channel.. after 25 years about being completely clueless as to what a real man is, and how I really want to be like... this is a BLESSING! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Watching your videos, taking notes, really thinking about how I did things wrong in my past relationship. So much to learn, it's crazy.
HOW they comport themselves in becoming direct and assertive matters. Some men only can be the nice guy or grumpy mean. It’s like anger is a protective cover for their vulnerability.
Great content man. I think for me the ability to be disliked by anyone was really hard. I had a friend and he used to say "i couldn't give monkey's if they don't like me". He was about the most straight talking honest person I've met, no pretence. Most people did like him and importantly respect him and i always saw his way as very liberating. The truth isnt always what people want to hear but is often the best thing they can hear ❤
I personally think the goal is to express your needs while respecting your partner's needs at the same time. If you don't say what you want and need, your partner is in a relationship with a (insert word or phrase here).
...and maybe the 0th step is knowing what your needs are, in the most basic and honest ways, and respecting them for yourself first. At least, that's what I'm trying to (re)discover and bring out, so I can finally show up for and to myself.
I see an overgeneralization of the “nice guy “ and “jerk” stereotypes. Men are complex beings like women, and there are blurred lines between the two generalizations. There is also the external environment that causes needy/people pleasing behaviors susceptible to both stereotypes.
A prerequisite to standing up for what you want is knowing what you want. That's my issue. I'm so apathetic and accommodating that I can hardly tell what I do want from what I don't. If I had a well-defined vision of what I want in every circumstance, then it'd probably be pretty easy to fight for it - but I don't know what to fight for.
I’m too much of a nice guy with blokes not girls as girls give far more respect to me in general! It’s more the guys that try to test me or have a dig at me! Maybe they find me a threat or are jealous or insecure about something I don’t know you tell me?
This video felt like such an eye opener for me. I've always felt that I'm so co-operative and other things like that, I never understood what am I doing that's wrong that is pushing people away in some way or form. I think I needed to hear this. The confrontation part is so important, and I've always been really bad at it. To be able to tell other people about my needs and preferences, I need to come to terms with them. I need to accept that I actually do have them and that its okay to have them. I think as men we have always been taught (directly or indirectly) to be the provider or to be a pillar of strength and support, and somehow we end up learning that we are not supposed to have needs to be able to fit into that definition of a man. So I think when we learn to be more confrontational, be accepting of our needs and be able to convey them to the people that are close to use or to people that we wanna get close with, not only do we make them see us more as a person, but I think we show more of our personality too. The personality that they can like or dislike us for (again goes back to the point of having the courage to be able to accept that they might not like us if we show them ourselves). And when we have the courage to do that, we open ourselves to the possibility of someone actually seeing and loving us for who we are. Many thanks for making this video. I hope I am able to remember what I've learned from this and be able to apply it in real life.
Hey Connor, I was recently introduced to and read Robert Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy. Then I listened to your podcast on Surfmastery, followed up and found your clip. I have def' been the nice guy and now I'm going through a separation however I'm still living with my ex which makes things more difficult and we have a 9 year old daughter. I'm switching my behaviour, speaking my mind and being more assertive and OMG the push back is nuts. It's hard man but I really think I've hit the jackpot in finding out about the Mr Nice Guy Sydnrome. Thanks for the vids!
Its crazy because ive always ALWAYS held to the idea that being the Nice Guy while i know some women dont resoect it as much, is my personality and im not changing who i am. I realize that ive only been nice on the outside at time which is not to say ive been fake at times when choosing peace instead of conflict ive still got conflict but its internal, with hurt bitter feelings and that is NOT nice either, not nice to me, not nice to others
Exposure therapy is so good for anxiety, I thought exposing myself would cause me more anxiety but as soon as I do, I see the thing what I'm exposing myself to for what it is and the anxiety goes away.
I struggle with adhd/bipolar, and I was raised by my single mom and grandma. Nobody really spent time with me or cared all that much. Not the greatest starting point, but also not the worst. I tend to do this nice guy shit and it always pisses me off. I cant seem to find a balance between macho man who dont give a f, and being too kind and considerate. People treat me like im a doormat, and also respect me a lot when my boundaries come up when I'm in that mood. My brain is always a paranoid jumbled mess when it comes to relationships bruh, im tired of it. I'm working out a lot now, been great so far. I lowkey love my chaotic energy, but sometimes it drives me crazy
I’m currently confronting abandonment issues from childhood with my marriage all but destroyed by it, this is my crossroads and I’m like 2 days into a big metal shift and it’s exciting and empowering.
If being nice makes you compromise who you really are to your partner then its no better then lying. Also it can make you resentful. Resentment can turn into anger. Either to yourself or towards your partner. Both are very destructive. I am struggling with this issue my self.
The people pleasing part is so me. But in the rest of the video I see myself a bit too. I need to learn to say what I want and not only focus on making others look better
Be willing to get left by the wrong people. Or even who you thought would be the right people. When you’re willing to stand up for yourself. Some people don’t respect their partner, some people crave a servant, not a partner.
very informative video especially for someone who is a big time people pleaser, after being bullied most of my life and with that kinda wanna do everything what others want and please them. keep up the excellent work
The part where you said more criticism and judgement doesn’t work is very true in reverse! Whenever my ex did all that it made me not want to do anything😂
The best thing is to spend a week in divorce court. That’ll scare most men from the disaster that is a relationship. No to relationships, no to marriage, no to children. It is not worth it.
It’s about being assertive instead of passive. Passive is bad; Passive aggressive is bad, aggressive is bad. Assertive is good. Don’t be afraid to say no in a calm manner…. We can agree to disagree.
Wow. Some comments are pretty scary, into the manipulation zone. Guys, this is about both partners treating each other with equal respect. That both partners have their own wants and needs and both get to assertively voice them and both get to decide when they can meet those needs. Healthy and mature women aren't rejecting requests to hurt the person they love and live with. They are simply having a back-and-forth conversation about their ability to meet the desire, the logistics around it, and/or her own boundaries. All those things, her partner should be interested in knowing and should desire to hear and respect. Good faith partners start with individuals who, themselves, live with integrity. If you constantly feel like your partner is pushing back to hurt you, you need to see a therapist to see if it's the partner or actually you and your insecurities/perceptions/projections/judgments that's preventing you from showing up with authenticity to have a centered conversation.
And mostly it's not pushback or saying no, it's just a conversation. Oh, I'd love to make you asparagus but we ran out today. Would Broccoli be OK? That's not a rejection. That's maturity.
Every single nice guy needs to take action on confrontation. They have to tell the woman what they want. My wife use to ask me what I wanted to eat and I always said food. Doesn’t matter to me what kind of fuel. I didn’t realize I was not being assertive enough. I didn’t realize I was being a nice guy. My marriage fell apart and I didn’t realize that my part of that was that I was being too nice to her and letting her have her way too much. I thought that was how you were supposed to treat a woman. The reason I felt that way because my first marriage fell apart and it was because she was unhappy because I was too assertive. She said I was too controlling. That wasn’t the problem in that marriage. The problem was she was still in love with her ex-husband. She lied. Don’t give them everything they want. You can still give them gifts periodically you can still give them birthday cards and things like that but just don’t overdo it. Tell her what you want. Be ready to walk away. Understand that you’re better off without her if you have to do that. And also there are other women out there. I’m 70 years old and they’re starting over. There are lots of women. My wife was 55 years old we divorced. I was 69.
Been working on the decisive part, especially when it comes to making everyday choices. Being confrontational and talking with someone on an equal level another. Having an overbearing mother and semi controlling father growing up didn't help any.
6:22 To be fair the stakes can be extremely high for some men. It can feel like a tightrope walk for some men with divorce on either side. Too aggressive in bed and you might be labeled an abuser but a few degrees less and you might be labeled as not passionate. Work too hard and you’re neglecting her and the family, not making enough and you’re not providing. And there might be only a few millimeters of space between the two. But I see your point, putting on a brave face in the midst of the danger is what men are supposed to do.
I'm very familiar with Glover and the idea of Nice Guy Syndrome and the first thing I'd say is that the name should be changed because the idea of being a nice guy shouldn't be associated with a bad thing. This is the main reason you see those videos where women are asked "nice guy or bad boy" and they will always pick the bad boy. That being said, I still think that a lot of the traits that are described as being undesirable and also a lot of things said by Glover and other coaches, while they might work in some cases, don't seem to work with the majority of modern women. Just as one example, Glover talks about women wanting men to stand up to them. I have yet to meet the woman who, even if she says she wants it, will actually stand for it. Most women I've ever known, once there is a disagreement with a man, would ever back down no matter how minor the issue. Most coaches talk about Nice Guys always being agreeable, going along with what she says and letting her make decisions because they believe it will make her happy. But I have yet to hear one say that the reason many men aren't doing it to not rock the boat but instead they've learned it's pointless to argue with a woman.
Well...been a nice guy is not bad at all, but if we use the "nice guy mask" to get what we want so we have a problem...im a nice guy but i dont ask anything back or in return...i dont expect people pay me the same way i do to them...
I think one issue we have as nice guys is that we forget this is a survival mechanism we have established. The problem is in the time we spent becoming a nice guy to feel loved, we have forgotten who we are and what we actually want. That is why it tends to break out so suddenly when things are potentially too late. Radical honesty is needed with yourself about what your needs are. Put those first and you can communicate them. It takes times, but once you get comfortable with knowing and feeling your needs, you can be graceful and assertive about communicating them.
Maybe women like nice guys/good and kind guys with good heart, But people dont realize that when he asks a woman for a date she may be already in a relationship with a nice/kind guy with a good heart, and with values. So then it looks like he is rejected. But he isn't rejected. She already has someone...If we realize that 50 percent of women can be already in a relationship.
How about a video on stopping nice guy behavior towards women? Because I was a nice guy, and never learned to talk to women, now I am dead inside. Most nice guys don’t get girls so this video is good but what about the nice guys that are just invisible to women? What can we do t stop showing up as a nice guy? All I did was cut out all female friends and stop hanging around loser friends who won’t help you.
The first part to not being a "nice guy" is to believe in Jesus and get your self worth from God. Then your idolization will be focused on the correct source. The goal isnt to be a bad guy. Its to be a nice guy with self worth.
@@jimaylan6140 I like your curiosity. I think you should evaluate the character of the founder of each religion. How nice were each of them? I know for me, I found that Jesus' teachings were wise, kind, and just. I also recognize, according to the accounts of him, that he was the nicest guy that ever lived. He took upon himself the punishment for the evil deeds that anyone has ever committed and sacrificed himself, satisfying the justice of God. That's the main reason I love and follow him. I would say that was incredibly nice. I think he would be a great influence for you. 🫡
Yup, this is a buyers market. No longer shall nice guys heed to the demands of abusive women. From now on it's going to be the other way around or risk drying up those stale eggs.
A problem is for me, I've tried this many times. I've "changed" hundred times. I've let her know it's going to be different, and it is ... for a while. Then I go back to my ways. THen it get's bad again. Then I watch these videos. WHay should she, or I, belive anything will ever change? Why would "this time" be different?
What about the noce guy that is the guy who fights for everyone good dad nice eyes funny ans fuck zero issues with confidence not all nice guys are pushovers
It seems like nice guys get targeted and tested all the time. Not cool at all. Stop testing and provoking kind people to go to the limit and then get them in trouble. I have heard and seen this from others!!! While the “bad boy” gets all the royal treatment and never tested!!
:)) the fact that men think that buying flowers (showing the other person you care about them), cleaning the house you live in, cook meals sometimes (you do eat right?) and take care of the kids YOU made is "making her life easier"is where the cognitive dissonance is strong. That's the bare minimum darlings. She isn't your maid/cook/human incubator :) it's supposed to be a partnership. So if you think that your a "nice guy"and complain about doing the bare minimum in a relationship and expect everything you want to magically appear because of that, your in for a surprise.
But she was going to make his favorite and now he must choose what he wants or what she wants to serve him. Feeling heavy? She'll start doing some baking.
Of course you don't force anybody to do anything. But they cannot force you to stay in the relationship too. Let them know that there are other women who can satisfy your needs, and a sexless relationship doesn't suit you.
