When I lost the baby weight from my first born and looked back at pictures postpartum I realized how chunky I looked postpartum and realized how supportive he was with the changes I went through and I asked him if it made him less attracted to me during that time and he said, "You birthed our baby, and bled for weeks. I wasn't worried about your weight, you Nursing and caring for our child are some of the times I've been most attracted to you" Like ugh. So blessed with my husband ❤❤❤
I’ve been binge watching/listening to lots of relationship and marriage podcasts lately, when I first started it was out of curiosity. Two days ago my wife and I started out having a conversation which escalated to an argument (which went on for two days) which then could have ended in divorce. We have been married under a year and I could not believe just how much she was holding on to, I had no clue these things were even issues. Because I have been listening to podcasts like this one and many of John’s podcasts I had that “hard conversation” that John talks about. I told my wife this isn’t a throw away marriage for me, divorce is not an option for me, I need to know that it’s not an option for u too. I told her I’m all in and ready to put in the work but she has to be all in with me. I’m going to come back 10 years from now and update everyone on how amazing and beautiful our marriage continues to be. 🙌
Married 12 years. I often joke that the man I am married to does not do the same things, have the same interests, tastes or hobbies than the guy I married. We keep building. I am thrilled with my husband, but if we weren’t choosing to grow together and constantly choosing each other life would be so different. Marriage is building a life. It’s a privilege.
I disagree, a husband may want to sit down and talk logically to his wife ... which normally goes very poorly because women think emotionally not logically. When Jonny D said to just sit down with your wife and say I'm not attracted to you anymore .... I just laughed. Even Lila had to push back and questioned him on how to effectively do that and he could not answer that question because you cannot do that with the modern woman who has been told her entire life she is perfect how she is. (you are beautiful nomatter what they say, words can't bring you down - Christina Aguilera) They ended up just blaming the male attraction issue on watching porn.
@PostMillMain I disagree with both of you. Communication only works if both people are coming from or at least want to be on the same level. If one is too stubborn or dishonest, Communication doesn't mean shit. Both men and women can be too emotional. Trust me. After a marriage that lasted more than 2 decades it was him that couldn't or wouldn't look at things logically His own therapist and our marriage therapist tried to make him see through a less emotional lens. He stormed out on both.
I guess sitting down and communicating clearly your hatred for each is better than nothing. I seems that one is usually indifferent to the other’s experience which doesn’t translate to wanting to hear from them or to update or clarify anything to the other.
The problem is people’s definition of love. Love is not feelings , love requires a DECISION. It is doing what is right and good for our spouse. As Jesus died to self for us, we die to self for our spouse. It is glorious and honoring to God to love God’s way. I have been loving this way for 39 years and counting. It has not always been easy, but I have kept my vows to God and my husband by His grace! Hallelujah ‼️
@@brookesmith1550 That’s incorrect. You can’t love if there is no action that demonstrates it. At that point you’re just giving lip service. Love is an Emotion as well as Action.
😢 this is what happens when we secularize marriage. I think more than ever the number one trait I’m looking for in a partner is the fear of the lord. If they do not possess it, then your marriage is governed by emotions or lack there of. Can’t submit to your roles as husband or wife if you cannot submit to the word of God.
Very very good point. It is impossible to overlook this. ❤ Marriage is not possible with a whim mentality (aka, feelings/passions). Nothing at all lasts in a whim/feelings, those are things that go away when had, by their own definition. The world has lost the sense of divine purpose and walk with God. The Almighty is not real for many, empty, mechanistic, pessimistic, synical people.
I have been married for 23 years the mom or parents and share three great sons. My eldest son is in the navy and i it has been very hard. My role is evolving as a mom and wife. We also own a landscape construction company and my husband and also serves in the C.G reserves. I was lucky enough to be a stay at home 😮mom. Being a mom and being able to be around my sons and all their friends was priceless. We sacrificed and sent the boys to catholic school. Which is the public school of yesterday year. Because i was home it also made it possible for me to be able to help build, support and be the back bone of the family and business. I struggled with happiness sometimes and thought sometimes i was always last on the list. Yet the more I watch my kids friends gravitate to my home, the more i see just how much staying together is so important for not just us but everything and everyone. Marriage is hard and it is sometimes lonely. Such is life. When i was down and wanted to walk my husband reeled me back in, and vice versa. We totally live in a self absorbed society. These are emotions and they are fleeting. Grass is not greener. I am so happy we have stayed together. It would have been blown to pieces. It would affect so many other people. More people need to see this.
This is by far the best interview on marriage I’ve ever heard, and I’ve listened to plenty! You asked all the questions I was thinking about and more! Thank you!!!
I’ve been married 5 years and we have two children under 3. It’s tough but trying to make progress as a husband and father. Thank you guys for being honest and encouraging.
nick, my advice to you would be don't listen to any of this. This advice will have your wife telling you in another 5 years "I love you but I'm not in love with you"
@@PostMillMan I’m interested to hear what parts of the conversation you disagree with. I can’t think of anything they said that’s problematic for my relationship and I think Dr. John has lot of legitimate experience to draw on.
@@PostMillMan you should tell your wife that that's perfectly normal in a long term relationship..we don't and can't 'stay in love' constantly. But if you still love the other person then you keep going until you do fall in love again...and out again and back in again.
This was a great listen been with my husband going on 13yrs married for almost 7 we have lost a child and have 2 living sons one with special needs its not easy but loving my husband is. I can see from others marriages how they fail because they dont have a partner in life. I truly feel like my husband is my partner❤
After we had our daughter, I was really struggling with my postpartum weight. My husband always did his best to make me feel beautiful, and one night we did have a really difficult conversation (for me at least) where he told me he had to do better and change his perception of what "normal" looked like for a woman in my position, as a new mom. It definitely hurt me hearing that he also saw a physical change in me, because I also had this perception of how quickly I would go back to my pre-mom body and how I *should* look, but I did appreciate his candidness and it helped me realize that it was normal for my body to change a little after growing a whole human! Now I'm pregnant again and while I am still doing my best to stay healthy and move as much as I can, both my husband and I are really loving the changes my body makes to make room for a new human ❤
I hope others understand that people change for many reasons, they are still the same person. I've unfortunately watched loved ones waste away from disease and they were beautiful to me till their last breath, it was heartbreaking but I would stand with them again. Sending you best wishes
What I dislike about stories like this is what where the men expecting? Obviously you’re body will change after pushing a big baby out of a small hole. I think sometimes men just really aren’t aware or they downplay the effects of pregnancy.
@@gk3330 What are men expecting? The average woman is 5'4" and 170lbs in America. That is obese according to a BMI chart. Men have fairly low expectations already.
He is most likely saying that he had to change his perception because he doesn't find you very attractive anymore and wants you to lose weight, but he doesn't want you to be mad at him and thus stop having sex with him. It's a delicate balance the modern husband has to walk. Honestly though, any husband who has that conversation with their wife (too fat, not attractive) is complete dummy. Only conflict will result.
@@PostMillMan Yikes bro, this isn't a good look for you. My husband has always found me attractive, and he would feel comfortable enough to tell me if I was getting to an unhealthy weight and needed to really change my habits (even if it might hurt my feelings, because he loves me and wants the best for me). I've never had severely unhealthy habits, I never got to an unhealthy weight. My body changed shape because my organs shifted during pregnancy and women have different body types and hold excess weight differently. Even women who don't gain an excessive amount of weight during pregnancy (which can also be normal) have to get used to their body after having a baby. My husband was merely pointing out that he had never experienced or understood the changes pregnancy and childbirth have on women's bodies, and he had to shift his mindset formed by society that a woman's body can and should stay the exact same throughout their entire life. Thankfully, my transition to motherhood has actually made him find me more attractive than before, something quite a lot of men tend to find.
thank you for bringing up the fiction book love story ideal that so many people are blindly following… it messes with your head so much. incredibly important to note
After 17 years, finally left my husband after he had multiple affairs throughout that time. Funny how after we split, he started dating his "therapist". Not sure who is crazier, him or her. 😂
@@kevinmorthorst521 God hates divorce but he also permits it when a spouse is unfaithful and breaks the covenant. Ive committed many sins in my life as have you. I know Im forgiven and washed clean by Christ's blood. YOUR condemnation means nothing to me. I will go in peace and enjoy God's creation today 😇
Thank you so much for taking the time to interview John. There are many helpful ideas to reflect on. May God continue to bless your intellect and both your marriages.
@@LilaRosePodcast I'm curious if you saw my questions about Justin Waller well in case you didn't I'll ask now when you were talking to him was he easy to read? or did you prepare in advance for his type of argument? I'm a fan of neither of you but you did get the best of him and I appreciate a smart argument I'm just curious if this comes naturally to you or you educated yourself on how to argue through book learning
I was with the wrong person for 10 years. We didn’t marry bc he didn’t want to. We didn’t have kids bc he didn’t want to. We fought non stop and I was unhappy, but tried to make it work for years. I realized with the help of a friend that I wanted more. I wanted kids, but I knew it would be miserable to have kids with him. It took a lot of planning and time and was not easy, but I left. I loved him and tried so hard, but no matter how much I tried it didn’t work, so I had to go Later on I met my now husband who is kind and gentle, wonderful in every way. We don’t fight. We get along so well and we have a beautiful son together I never would have met my now husband if I had stayed. Looking back I now see and understand that my ex was a narcissist and no matter what I did he was not ever happy with me, I was never good enough I’m so glad I left. I truly believe that you can be with the wrong person and should leave so that you can find the right one for you We did not have children (thank god) so leaving was less complicated and I did not have to consider the impact on children. I can tell you that having children with my ex would have made my life unbearable and I would have been miserable, along with mental, emotional and physical abuse towards any children that we would have had I’m so glad I left
I am trying to change my feelings for my husband of 33 years. I have felt devalued and neglected for at least 20 of those years. My husband is extremely selfish and lazy. He will only do something for me if others are watching or he gets something out of it. Everything is about his wants and needs. He is not abusive but I feel completely unloved. Vacations are all what he wants. He has children from his first marriage that he has no real relationship with no interest on his part. People on the outside is who he pleases because he wants people to see him as this wonderful guy. When I have stepped outside to sit on the porch or feed the animals if I don't take a key he has locked me out of the house and left several times even when he knew I was outside. When I tried to remind him please don't lock me out he would blow up at me. He would invite people to dinner and not ask me first he does not cook or do anything in the home. He is not a partner does not show me respect or value. He won't listen to me when I try to explain how what he does makes me feel he gets mad at me. I am too demanding. To get an idea of how he thinks he brought two women to our house from his office to pick out some artwork we have hanging in our home that they thought would look good at the office. I was never consulted. This is the sum total of the man I am married to. I just don't want to be around him and sometimes just hate him. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with his behavior. I feel trapped and miserable
Pray to God, ask for wisdom and he will show you what to do. A good Christian counselor or any good counselor could be very helpful too. I am so sorry you are going through this I am praying for you. Do not be afraid to ask for help and reaching out to a professional might be a good first step. 🙏🙏🙏
This hurts my heart! I was married for 30 years and just divorced him in December. My details were completely different, except for the fact that when I was hurt by him (cheating, betrayal and deceit) he could Never understand me, respond back to me with anything and would completely ignore me and want me to be quiet. I tried so very hard for years and years and was met with complete silence or defensiveness. He did not care about me! And this is extremely painful when they couldn’t care less about anything we feel or say IF it has to do with them and their behaviors. This is not a partner or a marriage. I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced and you not being heard or valued.
I like everything you both share in this very helpful and informative podcast. Love is definitely a choice and is hard work. However, I would suggest Lilah go back and rewatch "The Notebook," because that movie is an accurate description of how difficult and complicated love can be, and even Ryan Gosling's character warns Rachel McAdams's character concerning how hard they are both going to have to work as a team to have a thriving healthy relationship if she chooses to leave her fiancé for him. She does, in fact, break off the engagement to her fiance' once she encounters her true love (Gosling) again after years of separation due to misunderstandings and meddling and controlling from her mother. In the end, their love is strong and enduring; tremendously sacrificial as they are confronted with mental illness. When they were still young, I do not think they acted emotionally immature aside from giving into sexual temptation before marriage (It's Hollywood. ) She, ultmately made the wisest and best choice for her before making the mistake of entering into a lifelong covenant marriage while being "in love" with another man. She was smart. The problem in real life that arises in marriages is when the partners act emotionally immature and engage in adultery outside of marriage because they let their feelings reign. Feelings ebb and flow, and once you've committed in covenant before God, you have promised to work through everything regardless of feelings. God warns us to keep our promises/covenants.And, with God's help, any marriage can be restored. The Bible teaches that a three stranded cord is not easily broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12
All of this dive into what 'marriage involves' should be required as part of the 6 month 'Marriage prep' required of Catholic couples before their exchange of vows. At our nuptial Mass Fr. Told us " Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition---- it's 100/100. It's about commitment. Communication, and a HUGE dose (taken daily) of. CONSIDERATION. Saying often to your husband/wife "Thank you". Pretty 'simple' stuff really--- the new will wear off of you let it---- mistaken notion of you think it will just be a 'given'. Tenderness and 'special moments' are endearing. Our 'us-ness'----a concept to PROTECT as life unfolds day by day. I saw a T-shirt on a guy, walking with his wife and a couple of their kiddos--- it said. "she's my QUEEN" Keep God front and center ----companions on this journey.
What do you do when you have hard conversation with your spouse about the very real and good things you and the family needs and the response is… “I’m not able to do that… that isn’t me… I’m not compatible with marriage”? Seems fundamentally impossible if a person doesn’t even want to try to live up to marriage basics.
Well, the secular answer is to "find your true self" and "do what makes you happy" or some other such trite meaningless phrase. I'm afraid the mature answer is that you grieve the picture of what you thought marriage would be and accept what marriage is. If you're not being abused, which would mean you leave, then you stay and adjust your mental picture to how life actually is, find fulfillment in friends, volunteer work, hobbies, and your kids. Your life can still be rich without waiting for your spouse to fulfill you. Of course, you still do what you can to build intimacy and an emotional connection, but you can only control you. Can't control what your spouse does. It is a sad situation but sometimes it's the reality
@@scroogemcduckismyspiritanimalbut then you're going to spend the next 40 years lonely and unloved. There can't be intimacy if you know the other person actually wants out. That becomes a prison sentience for both people
@@jenster29 I pretty much addressed that in my original comment. Make friends. Volunteer. Develop hobbies. Your life can be rich even if it's not the picture you expected. Society is worse off for the message that has been pushed the last half century that you can abandon your commitments to find happiness.
@@scroogemcduckismyspiritanimalsometimes the most loving thing you can do is leave your spouse. If you’ve done anything and everything to save your marriage and your spouse doesn’t want to work at the marriage. The marriage won’t work. It takes two, there’s even a very wholesome game about two divorcing parents on gaming consoles called “It Takes Two” because that what’s it takes. What you’re telling her isn’t all bad but she’ll essentially be living her own separate life.
It is impossible if your spouse doesn’t want to work at the marriage. I would say do everything and everything to save your marriage; but at some point you have to ask yourself “is a one-sided marriage what I desire for the rest of my life?” Then you have to sit down with your spouse and ask him just like John said “are we going to stay married? Are we going to keep doing this because we can’t keep being married like we are. So are we going to call it or are we going to keep moving forward?” Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is leave your spouse. An emotionally lazy spouse that refuses to change and refuses to put in effort has already divorced you with their actions.
Always ‘I can’t breathe when you…’. The victim hood and drama is beyond. One podcast he told a wife to tell her CHURCH JANITOR that she ‘can’t breathe when he walks in with dirt on his shoes’. There is zero chance of a great marriage with both parties claiming they will die if their spouse does or doesn’t do something. But there he goes - behavior is a language and I guess if your spouse can’t breathe, then that is the ultimate weapon to leverage against your enemy. Er, spouse.
My spouse left after years of imbalance, me going all in. Him with just one toe in the door. After he left, I was able to move forward without regret because he painted such a clear picture of what was possible in the dynamic.
42:35 is the most important part of the video. Marriage today consists of telling men what they have to do for a happy marriage, and quickly glossing over what women have to do for a happy marriage. It's entirely on men, and if the marriage fails it's time to instantly blame the man. Churches and religious institutions are quick to tell men how to be good husbands, but reluctant to tell women how to be good wives.
It was fun how she connotating negatively how women leave more often than men, but then 15 mins later, Dr Delony explains, women suffer greatly financially after a divorce, therefore women dont really leave for light reasons.
That is correct. Women would rather be poor than be in a toxic marriage. Furthermore the statistic is women who FILE, which may be different than the man initiating the divorce
I'm Hispanic and so is my husband. But I was born here and have a growth mindset and he dosnt. Most Hispanics get married and that's it. I don't only that but also believe working at marriage making it fulfilling for both of us. My husband does not care as long as the bills are paid and he has that image of being married.....
@LilaRosepodcast would Dr. John comsider coming back to talk pro-life issues. I know he has callers on show that uave grieved abortions, have broken relationships over choosing life etc and I think it would be valuable if he would explore that with you
This happened to me. I’m still married I. Fact I wasn’t even baptized but I should have known better now I’m saved but things are harder than they have ever been
Rule out depression and hormone issues. But for me, the desire for sex is based on our spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical (nonsexual) connection/intimacy. Having that firm foundation of God, mercy & grace, prayer, bible study, and fellowship is vital. Feeling safe enough to be honest and vulnerable with each other about where we've been, where we are, and where we want to go. Then physically, there's flirting, kisses, making out just because, hugs, holding hands, cuddles, massages after a long day, etc. Then there's doing your best to maintain physical upkeep by eating relatively healthy, staying active. Evaluate all aspects of the relationship to identify the root of the problem. Then work through it with help if needed. But you need two willing participants.
@@wyleecoyotee4252 Do you not believe in commitment? Did you not promise ‘For better / For worse?’ If a man did that people would call him Shallow Hal!
I struggle to advocate for divorce per se. However, when the marriage has abuse and/or very destructive elements where neither partners or only 1 partner refuses to truly seek appropriate help then divorce becomes the only solution.
The Notebook is a stupid movie but the movie Gosling was in when her net his wife, Eva Mendes is interesting. And relations after 40 years old and years into marriage is incredible!!
As always dr delony brings it perfectly to the table!!! Sorry the co-host is not on point. Not a good match at all!! Dr. Delony struggling with most of her comments. For a good reason.
But sometimes it IS happines in another relationship.... I had a horrible marriage, no kids, got divorced and im so happy now. Beautifull woman, sex, relationship in stead of staying with a woman that was geint older, ugglier and always argued. Now i also have kids, life is great.
I’ve tried watching her podcasts but I feel like she’s not a good interviewer. She doesn’t acknowledge the guest’s ideas and more often she says “but”….and follows with a question. The topics she wants to discuss I feel like doesn’t flow based on the last topic.
@GodSoLoved.Yeshua how can you follow the spirit of the Law without also following the letter? Can i love my neighbor and steal from them? God wrote the moral law, the 10 commandments in stone. Why do we keep all 10 except the 4th one? Did God make a mistake when he wrote the 4th commandment as part of the 10 commandments in stone? Matthew 5:17-20 “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. 18 For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. 19 Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. 20 For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.
@@GodSoLoved.Yeshua God says. If you love me, keep my commandments. The 4th commandment was written by God in stone. The seventh day commemorates that God created the earth in 6 days and rested on the seventh and invited Mankind to enjoy the same rest and fellowship together with their creator. ❤️
Find someone you can agree with on three things: religion, politics, and lifestyle. If you're both looking in the same direction and want the same things from life you will both have more to invest than just feelings
@@valentinei89 picking someone based on politics and even religion I don’t think is the answer. It’s nice when they match but they can change, and I’ve seen half my family change their views in the last 5 years. I have turned a 180 based on religion and politics from my partner but it’s not what defines our marriage. Finding a person that has the same values in commitment, hard work, and willing to compromise. For example, my wife is not religious but encourages me To raise our kids in a religious home regardless. I was not religious when we met. Values are important, do you want kids, live in city or country, how we raise Our kids. The basics are important but that’s where compromise comes in play when not everything you agree on comes in play.
Find a woman after the heart of Jesus ❤️ God is good. As a wife I'm called to submit to my husband, I can guarantee you if I did not love God I'd be out.
Follow Jesus. Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not in your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.
It is a marriage the day you say "i do" trust comes and go with hurts but it does not nulify the marriage. If only one is standing for the vows its still a marriage. If both promise and commit the day of marriage and both lose trust they are still married in the eyes of God based on the vows made to Him, for better or worse. Marriage is a Sacrament. To give power to current situations to determine validity of marrige takes away the accountability of the vows made to God and usurps God when people claim authority over their marriage and its dissolveability. Christ preached on this.
Women are the more emotional being and therefore the majority of their behavior is feelings driven and not logic driven. One woman loves flowers because it feels like a sacrificial gift which feels safe and secure . A different woman gets flowers and feels terrible because an ex partner imprinted on her great pain years ago because when he cheated he would bring home flowers. The same behavior from a man can FEEL very different for different women. The man has no idea that one doesnt like flowers and when she doesnt have a heart felt thank you he percieves as bad response behavior and according to "manners" it is objectively bad behavior. When a person allows FEELINGS to overcome objectively proper behavior then the feeling itself is a dysfunction and therapeutic intervention should be sought to fix the dysfunctional feeling. Today we place an irrationally high value on feelings and so all kinds of dysfunctional behaviors follow along with justifications fir them. Its basically a crazy cycle. There is no way for a person to know all of the ways your going to feel about a given thing they do or dont do and besides your ferling might change based on what time of month it is or whats happening at work. Relationships that highly vslue feelings MUST be extremely transparent with regard to what they are feeling and why and how multiple combined issues (algorythm) change and impact your feelings. Otherwise the relationship wont work. Since very few people have the insights, introspection, honesty, openness, and valnerability to articulate the intricacies of there feelings then there spouse is left to guess or concede not knowing and to think about other more pleasant things in life. But, of course that might FEEL like indifference, not caring, unloved, and so in that situation you both loose also.. It all seems a bit helpless doesnt it. It goes right back to you make yourself happy and dont depend on someone else for that. Also if you have a goal to be married and raise a child for 18 years do so for any reason EXCEPT because you feel good with the person or they make you feel good. Have a child with someone who is easy to get along with by objective standards not how you feel about their companionship and then be sure that you are the very best that they can do in terms of all the attraction cues
31:30 this is where the Catholic Church doesn’t promote divorce. In order to make a promise, you have to be free. If there was something infringing on your freedom, you were not able to promise, therefore the promise may not have happened. But once the promise - it is Christocentric. It is like Jesus Christ in the Blessed Trinity. World without end.
Relationship with self in conjunction with the higher power that lives within us is THE MOST important Relationship. Yall got it soooooo wrong and that's why y'all keep having the same old problems and unfulfilling experiences. The problem and solution is WITHIN.
Also, rock and roll is the trijan horse of the last 100 years. Gi read the lyrics to early r&b , blues, etc Many, many l3sbian Black singers with super graphic lyrics. Used to love the stuff. It will kill your soul.
My goodness, this is a very un-abuse-informed discussion. So repetitive, simple-minded, wreckless, and harmful in Christian circles. We need to do better. Please, if you are in a difficult marriage, look into: Patrick Weaver, Southlake Christian Counseling, Bare Marriage, Intentional Today, Sarah McDugal, Called to Peace Ministries, The Life Saving Divorce - Gretchen Baskerville, Psalm 82 Initiative, Confusion to Clarity, Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen, CBE International, Marg Mowczko, Leslie Vernick - The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, Wade Mullen, Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That
I think you might have listened to a different podcast. I've been listening to Dr. John for 5 years, and he has given amazing advice that strengthened not just my marriage but also my relationships with family and friends.
@@anniechang6078 Thanks for your reply - I usually like what both of them say. But being a survivor of domestic violence in a Christian environment, a lot of their idealistic talking points in this episode are what keep women and children in very bad situations to the detriment of their health and safety, making it seem if they get out they’re quitting or weak or have weak character. As someone who held on to the idealism of “If you married them they’re the right person..” and “People just give up when it’s a vow forever if you’re a real Christian who believes in God and is actually following Jesus.” and “Marriage is supposed to make you holy, not happy.” ALL of those idealisms repeated naively by people with Christian platforms with no caveat for abuse and what that actually looks like (abusers quote the Bible and know how to look really great in public, flipping the script, using DARVO all the time for image management, etc.), NEED TO KNOW that they are helping to cause a whole tidal wave of oppression on a surprisingly larger percentage of Christins that one would think. Convicted and/or admitted abusers have admitted to the church and these naive talking points being their favorite and most easy location to harvest and manipulate in because of the cheap grace, ingrained power and control (the engine of abuse) of men over women in many evangelical interpretations of certain verses, and idealism over reality (of the real and much larger existence of people with personality disorders and sociopathy or the dark triad types who pretend to be caring loving Christian’s and slowly test and groom - the Cycle of Abuse Wheel is one to be checked out) demonstrated in the talking points used in this discussion. They should also be informed of this when talking so much about marriage. For many in Christian marriages, it’s a hostage situation. With a smile when you walk into church on Sunday morning.
@alissajacobson5330 I see what you are saying. Within this conversation, I don't think they came close to supporting abusive relationships. Dr. John even spoke about if you need to leave. Do leave, and he understood the financial struggles of what women face when they leave. This is aimed at the general public, not in cult like situations. I can't even count 10 marriages in my own family where divorce didn't happen. I think that's the issue they are tackling. I also see a lot of marriages who are passive and won't have hard conversations, and they grow resentful towards another. Marriages where couples become roommates. These are subjects and couples that they are talking about. And I admit, my husband and I were one of those couples.
@@anniechang6078 yes, that is exactly the issue. That these conversations are used and applied to marriages across-the-board when people don’t actually know what’s going on behind the scenes. So saying things like “If you married them, they are the right person“ is dangerous and reckless.
@alissajacobson5330 I believe you missed in the very beginning John said very quickly in response to the lady that is interviewing him, he specifically said let's put abuse to the side. So he wasn't referring to abusive marriages.
Thanks for serving God's kingdom. its funny.. most of the epic Christian stuff I see are outside church buildings, and not inside. Mostly on the internet.
I mostly like the content, but if you're talking about building and rebuilding a marriage, shouldn't you address the elephant in the room being the laws that not only encourage women to divorce but also stop men from wanting to get married in the first place?
I think Lila has covered that at length in many of her videos or interviews on other platforms. Remember, the intro scenario was: “I’m happily married, but..” I really enjoyed this show and got a lot out of it.
It’s not just that the laws encourages divorce. It also disincentivizes women to make their husbands happy in a marriage. Men are tortured for YEARS before a divorce happens. Look at Will Smith for example
This dude once told a women whose husband got a vasectomy without telling her to just get over it because she was just mad she didn't get her way. Not a great source for Christian marriage wisdom.
Not exactly what he told her. He said are you going to live in a miserable marriage OR are you going to go live the life with an amazing husband and six beautiful kids? Dr. John was 100% right in that call.
@@kailaleebabineau3962He did but he also told her what else are you going to do? She wasn’t going to divorce him so he told her go live your life with your husband and the six kids you have got. He also told her she needed to process her emotions and not just shove it away. But the truth is her husband told her multiple times he was done and she wasn’t listening. She really was mad she didn’t get her way and John just called that out which was right!
@@2davivadiva His show is really not faith based. Dr. John himself is Christian but he doesn’t apply that to the show he just does his best to not judge people.
Wow. This is why I would rather manipulate and psychologically trauma bond my partner to me. He at least never had eyes for anyone else. I manipulated my first husband to his KNEES. A healthy Marriage sounds like it's full of potential betrayal and your partner never will only have eyes for you. And that's when done RIGHT. Why even have a healthy marriage? It sounds as bad as an unhealthy marriage.
Once Ruth Bell Graham , Billy Graham’s wife, was asked if she ever thought about getting a divorce. She replied, no, I haven’t thought about divorce, but murder, yes.” 😊
I've been married almost 4 years and one thing that has really helped is that, from the beginning, I mentally took divorce off the table. Whenever we have some serious issue, my mind doesn't go to "Should we stay married?" Instead, my instinct is "How do we fix this?"
There was a woman that thought the same thing as you. Well her husband gaslight her ,cheat multiple times , almost put their family in bankruptcy from gambling, would never come straight home from work and stay out all hours of the night at the bar. she put up with this for 5 or 6 years - she got feed up so decided to put divorce on the table, and a year later her husband did 180, went counselling , gave up the drinking, gambling became a better husband , at least for the time being. It definitely was a new tool in her toolbox.
@@satyagirl1797 That wasn't me, a women from church - And it's not extreme example really _ if you go into a relationship with no hard consequences for very bad behavior - what do you thinks going to happen? I don't have high confidence that this relationship will last obviously that her husband is a narcissist - and I'm sure when the dust settles a little he'll go back to his bad behavior One psychologist said "Do people change?" Yes and no. They do when they have to. Was the answer
I've been married 23 years. We've never discussed or even approached divorce. I'm not sure what the secret is, other than to say it seems to be all based on what your attitude is.
Better sex than ever at age 40. My wife has learned exactly what drives me crazy and I am beyond honored to have her love me physically and in every area of life. She gets my all and more than fifteen years after we married, it is still an amazing adventure. Hard? Yes! But oh so worth it. Give each other 100%, not 50/50.
I just subscribed to this channel. I found this interview so nourishing at a crucial time in my life after 20 years of marriage. Thank you so much for your show Lila. Keep up the good work and I can’t wait for the next video!
I disagree on The Notebook. They were constantly fighting yet tried to stay together. Wouldn't it have been for Allie's manipulative ambitious mother, she would never have even attempted to be satisfied with anyone else.
I just found Dr. John Delony yesterday and I have to say I already feel a sense of healing. I’ve been in therapy a while for healing childhood traumas. What I haven’t focused so much on is how my mother cheating on my dad and causing their divorce in my adult life has impacted me. Thank you both!
My mother cheated on my father, and my brother and I had to be raised by a single mother. Who allowed many different men in our home. And our father never came around. Now as a mother my daughter has no grandparents 💔 our decision and choices we make effect the lives of our children.
Infidelity 100% affects the children for more than 1 generation. My friend went through a similar situation and her kids have NO relationship with ‘Grandpa’ who cheated and blew up the family.
I really needed to hear this today. So many of these points hit home, and really helps reaffirms that I’m with my person and we are both working to build a beautiful life together on our terms. Thank you ❤
Thank you for doing the two podcasts in a week! Please, no pressure, but I remember you were hoping to do two weekly, so I really appreciate it. Hope you and your family are having a light-filled peaceful good Happy New Year, Lila! Thank you for being a light in the world.
50% divorce rate primarily started by women Why sign a contract with someone whos rewarded for breaking it? Most women will leave instead of working on it
We need to remember that a covenant is NOT a Contract! A contract means “if one of us breaks the terms, it’s cancelled.” A covenant is deeper than that. It’s spiritual. It means that regardless of what happens, if I break the covenant by EXITING, may what happen to this animal (Old Testament lingo for when they would dice it up and burn it) happen to me. My husband and I did not have good examples of marriage. Like at all. We knew that, so from day 1, we started reading, we attend conferences for marriage, we take marriage courses at church, we get incremental counseling just to do a health check. Now we are coaches at our church. During arguments, one of us usually brings it down by saying our affirmation: “I love you, I’m in covenant with you, and you are not my enemy.”
53:26 I'm naturally extroverted and easy going and "girl next door" cute. I really want to be everybody's friend and get along and love everybody. It was great in my early 20s because I was popular in all the groups and I could date just about anybody I wanted. I was very pop- culture and dressed like a "cute girl" , hung out in popular places like concerts and bars and typical young adult behaviors. As I matured and wanted more and got more serious about life, I realized that I drew attention that I didn't intend, and didn't want. It complicated everything and caused a lot of problems for people, including myself, just being my normal self. I didn't really know how to not be "normal" baseline me , and didn't think it was right that I needed to change myself. After being hurt, hated, causing hurt, and just being careless and insensitive, I learned that there's a RESPONSIBILITY to having clear boundaries. I HAD TO reign in my naturally friendly personality because OTHER PEOPLE don't have control and boundaries and maturity. Sometimes YOU have to see when someone has an unintended crush on you and do them a favor by staying AWAY from them. You have to reign in that gregarious personality because you don't want to get in the middle of something you never even had a clue you were in the middle of!! Sometimes the best friend you can be is NOT BEING A FRIEND AT ALL. Respect other people's commitments and relationships. Turn them back around to the person they should be giving their attention to. Somewhere in that journey, I was saved and my heart and mind were renewed in Christ. I now have an even more serious view of relationships and responsibility. But at the time, BC, "Before Christ" in my life, just that revelation of NOT accidentally being a temptress when I had no intention of flirting in any way at all, was a HUGE epiphany!
