I have burned countless bridges when that chemical FoF mechanism turns on, and then I keep on feeding it. I've witnessed myself think "stop!" but my emotions in those moments won't let me. That "rage' moment is unbelievably powerful
Wow John, in the moment reading your comment, I no longer felt alone in this world. It's like getting high, or as they say drunk on anger. My sponcer tells me, in the argument, it's not about the topic. My egoic mind doesn't care about topic, it's about living and dying in that moment. And I'm not gonna die. I know it sounds crazy
I know how you feel. I don't know if there truly is a solution other than choosing to not reproduce. I really believe that. The damage is done and set in childhood.
I have been Angry my whole life because of what my Parents did to me, treated me, etc. It has been with me, my whole life and I think I lash out because of the Trauma and Hurt I felt and endured as a child!
My rage had made me feel like a monster lately. Its fueled by the "its not fair" thinking thats cause by my lack of boundaries and the black and white thinking that comes from fear.
I've realised my 2 biggest triggers are when people don't use common sense and when people are immoral...I do obviously realise that those two things are subjective so will be my view of what those things mean to me.
I have an intense primal rage simmering underneath everything always. But I can't feel anger in my daily life, and when I do feel anger, it is delayed and it's too late to tell the person I'm angry. I have great control over my "anger", but the rage I feel when I think about my mother is intense.
Every period of time in my life when I felt anger was consuming me, my boundaries were massively being crossed. I never put two and two together. I’m just now learning how to set and stand by healthy boundaries for myself.
I have been angry at everything's my whole entire life blaming everyone for my problems left and right didnt know how to trust people being molested at a young age and being touched inappropriately but i am in therapy its helping me realized that i need to change i need to get better for the sake of my future as a mother and my fiancee and most importantly my kids
After i had my son, i gained the ability to tap into what i call "mama bear mode." Advocating for him came naturally to me. Advocating for myself...not so much. 😅 Loving him is teaching me so much.
I'm owed £200million in a negligence case and I keep being tol to stay quiet. So keep getting angry and smashing stuff. Real mamma bear anger. My child is an adult now but I won forget. This video is really helpful for analysing anger and rage being very different. I hav been rageful for years. That's not helped my health. But I will get compensation for the trauma that we have been put through as a family.
I can’t afford much therapy, but from trauma of living with a very gross ex roommate, I realized my anger is because I feel traumatized from that experience, and scared that I’ll be taken advantage of. I’m really glad I’m starting to do something about this.
I have been in therapy since 14 for childhood trauma, im experiencing grief now at 20 and I feel so much rage not even upset just rage and I’ve realised I’ve never been taught how to be angry without breaking down
I’m 20 as well and I had a rage full episode about two days ago over a small argument with my brother. I went into my room and exploded because of the fact that I was blaming myself at the end of the argument.. the altercation was over a video game(unfortunately) but the words that were being exchanged were escalating… my heart was racing before I walked into my room but the argument turned into an argument about my brothers resentment against me due to my angry episodes and my guilt overwhelmed me… although I separate myself when I’m angry the explosion doesn’t go unnoticed because I get so overwhelmingly upset mostly at myself. But what I want to do is actually speak to my brother tomorrow and try to identify these emotions and establish boundaries I know I’m 20 but I just turned 20 I don’t want to keep living with this tension and dense uncontrolled emotions it’s unsafe and unhealthy. I also want to acknowledge my brother’s feelings too because we were both upset this is about family and psychological peace 🙏🏻 wish me luck I really do hope my family can forgive me of my lack of self-control
Thank you for yet another perfectly structured and well explained video! Anger, as well as impatience, are two of the most difficult things for me to feel - on one side these emotions are unpleasant (to say mildly) to endure, but also, they often bring unpleasant consequences as a result of poorly managing them.
You are welcome, and thank you for your kind words! Yes, anger and impatience... I love how you phrased the difficulty with the unpleasant consequences. I hope this is helpful!
Omg this is so meeeee. I went from zero to 60 and couldn't (still cant) STOP. It would quickly turn to rage and I am unable to stop.... I switched therapists bc this guy just said. * count to 10* Dude! I can't stop to count. I'm totally into survival response. Ughhhh
Until you do something y're so ashamed of, like throw a chair and break someone's stuff..so next time I looked around for something to kick that wouldn't break & realised if I could do that, I could stop and think.
Wow. Thank you so much. This is the first sound advice I've seen about anger. I feel empowered and ready to use this. You spell everything out so clearly!!
I just found you & subscribed! This video is so thoughtful & comprehensive, thank you for your time in making it. I have heard that anger should be 'the right amount to the right person at the right time for the right reason' but how to achieve that seems a lifetime project!
You are awesome! Thank you for this. You shared new things, as well as things that make sense - like that we don’t always have thoughts that precede all our feelings.
Wow you are awesome and incredibly engaging. You have nailed the right amount of details and in which order you present something. Wow thank you. Today is the first day I realise I have suppressed anger and it's silently affecting my life (and probably health).
Thank you for this video. Checked several possibilities to send to a friend and chose this. It cannot be overstated how valuable diaphragmatic breathing is towards self-discipline generally because the feature you mention enables contemplation of options instead of automatic reaction. The ultimate secret of diaphragmatic breathing is that it supports the connection of the spiritual heart and power center (below the bellybutton). Truth resides in the heart in ways that balance and subordinate the mental mind. This contributes to higher brain functions overriding lesser functions. More importantly, truth gives us even better ways to absorb and/or express anger.👍
what comes to my mind with this video is a time in which I BROUGHT A 8 year old that I used to babysit...so we went to a Pharmacy on we were waiting in the queue...so happy...the lady behind us was so jealous and angry, probably a narcissist..(why are they everywhere...?...anyway), I managed to go out of there civiized...in other words I survived the torment of having to hear her groar in our back...well done!...however....and this is something I have fish myself often doing...what you iexplain in this video...I started to feed the story...I got so full of what I was saying to myself, that I wanted to go back and get her(she didn t even respect the boy was there..a total psychopath)...yet...ehhh, yes..psychopath, aberrant self promoters, narcisissists, etc....they are there too...provoking....and maybe if I hunt her...what is it I really earn....to hit someone who probably even like to be hit, or to simply waste time...and then even waste more time to bring myself back from toxic guilt or whatever other emotion comes with it....however, just swallow it, and then later ruminate all over it without knowing how not to feed was also no gain...so thanks for the tips!
I had a close relationship with a cousin, but I pushed him away because his teasing was too much. So, my anger towards him never reached the point of talking it out. He was a busy person and he was also very shy. No one had ever made me this angry ever before! After I got married, I started to get defensive about my marriage and my cousin's jokes provoked me in a passive-agressive way. I basically sent him hate mail and afterwards I tried to reconciliate by making a nice art project for his pride and joy - his business. We fight, we mend, we fight again. My own father told me to stay away from him because he acted like a pervert.
@@BarbaraHeffernan I had nasty car wreck 6 years ago. Frontal lobe damage and PTSD. Finally able to participate in CBT. You very much understand the anger issues and I continue to get better. Just knowing that others truly understand and can put into words what I can’t brings about a healing. Hope that makes sense.
Yes, it definitely does. And concussions and frontal lobe damage can definitely cause anger....SO sorry to hear that. WIshing you health and healing...
I have a ton o issues with anger. I don't know why i get so angry. It's killing me and my marriage and my relationship with my children. I don't know what to do anymore
What do I do with feeding after controlling my self and stopping my self and loos my right and feel disappointed for losing my pride and accept been humility
@@BarbaraHeffernan You definitely saved me from myself. Your videos are everything I never knew I needed. You've helped me be a friend to myself. You showed me im not "crazy" or "defective". I didn't expect someone to put what I feel in my head into words until I came across you. My mind has never been more clear. Of course I still have work to do but you have steered me in the right direction for sure. I'm a better me and I truly appreciate you and everything that you do. God Bless.
I try to control my anger in many ways someways I would re think the situation and think if I kill purposely I would be sat in a cell for a very long time. And then re evaluate is the person worth it or not is it really worth the risk there is no risk to reward in that. And then I would also think that life is to precious and we should Cherish it. I think everyone has the capacity to control their anger.
Def felt the chemical surge normally I do use it with smoking pot but I have been smoking less … i realize my anger is triggered by everyone around me occurring to me as incompetent and they are hurting me with their incompetence and this must also be a trauma response to early childhood trauma… because people Weren’t competent as a child I was sexually abused and this trauma is so painful when it still comes up as an adult…. Other related emotions are resentment and despair …. I recognize my body is having a physiological response
That’s all fine and dandy, except for someone who keeps getting hit by injustice, and no one gives a shit. Then you try to rise above, move on or seek legal help, only to end up in the same place, with people coming after you for no reason, never leaving you be.
My husband lashes out on me and I get very hurt and I feel like I don’t want to see him again. As for myself, I have a tendency to stuff my anger. But when I muster up the courage to express my anger, my husband counterattacks me in such a strong way, which makes me want to shut down again.
@@sophiahoho8918 I had a husband like that. It wasn't worth even setting a boundary. I'm still scared of anger, which is the tool an unhealthy person uses to keep us in control, but through therapy and I mean a lot of it I'm slowly starting to see that I have worth too.
I have rage when dealing with the many stupid, petty bureaucrats who tyrannically run our lives these days. I am old enough to remember when it was easy to get things done and get them done right the first time. Deliberately ignorant people send my blood pressure soaring. I know I will have a stroke if I don't get it under control. I don't sleep due to a serious physical illness, and that makes emotional regulation much tougher. I was trained in behavioral therapy, but the explosion happens before I can think of technique. That limbic brain is so instinctive. I keep hoping if I review these things over and over, they may finally stick. I am prone to the fight response, but I am now trying to flee as soon as I feel the rage coming on. At least that way I don't hurt people's feelings.
I am empathic so, sometimes i am angry but, could i be projecting or preception. I have a hard time, my true self. The church and having a strong conviction against evil spiritually.
I have a Big front lobe, and a Big anger problem, and i Can tell you that when my front lobe is floated with anger, je just find the right argument to fuck you up, he does not cool us down
I think people tend to forget people Are human they forget that the other person has an Emotions because they can’t fill the other person emotions and Look at somebody as an object verses a human being. On the other hand, it’s almost true and every scenario That somebody will channel that anger out on a Person And not just any person they look for the broken ones. Also, they choose to act or behave in this manor so that they make themselves feel better about themselves or feel like they’re in control or superior to someone else. Because it was done to them and it is a behavior they learned from there peers this how to treat someone and they don’t even realize their doing it and the Vicious cycle is passed on. But it’s people who do not like change the fight it why is that?
About her point - “oh this is happening again”. What if the thing that is happening again is being manipulated and lied to? We aren’t supposed to warn ourselves? And what if your anger is not because of cognitive distortion?
Anger is definitely useful in the face of manipulation and deceit! Recognizing the feeling and then CHOOSING the most effective action. I hope nothing in this video said anything different. There are many situations where anger is actually the healthy response
proof reading and i'm starting to look at he key board then edit on the scren i oly type 150to 25 tops with out error iIdon t go any faster so think quilty and pace .
I would start with important fact that CBT obfuscates deliberately: that is that most people do not recognize emotions at all. In fact, most people label their emotions with wrong definitions. For example, instead of anger, there is resentment. Without correct diagnosis and explanation, we end up confused and try to fix something that is not broken at all. We end up stuck with wrong advice, stuck in labyrinth. Second mistake with CBT is pathologizing trauma reactions. CBT tries to heal any problem with change of mindset. In the process CBT is doing terrible damage to the psyche. So CBT will explain that feeling and doing is the same. CBT does not explain that self worth might be tainted with toxic shame. So instead of accepting and focusing on our goals and self worth, CBT instruct us to focus on our panic symptoms and emotions and make drama out of nothing as if we are crazy for having emotions. We end up with neurosis and hypervigilance - since we are basically being told by CBT that having emotions is mental illness. And CBT does not recognize their detrimental affects on people at all, as any covert narcissist. CBT will focus on anger as if its is noble act, using racial issues in USA for example. This is gaslighting since trauma and abuse is not mentioned at all - and instead we are being told that any negative emotion is always noble and good, we simply need to be open minded since one small example of good anger is put on pedestal as default phenomena. CBT will explain amygdala hijacking through fight flight freeze - without mentioning 4th response called fawning at all. This is done deliberately. So CBT will end up instructing people to be people pleaser and to be pushover, always. IT is highly detrimental and highly ineffective therapy. CBT is form of lobotomy - where normal human emotions are labelled as illness, while external factor: narcists and narcissistic abuse is not mentioned at all. This is because CBT is therapy based on narcissism for narcissists, it is nazi therapy with roots in nazi Germany, came to USA along with NASA scientists from nazi Germany. CBT is form of gaslighting and mass control where corporations are guiding people to obey corrupt authority and criminals. Think of criminally insane person such as Trump having enough IQ to get medical diploma and get into managerial seat of forming DSM, that is CBT. CBT will explain that anger is our own - always. CBT will not explain what to do with toxic people outside - who are always angry. There is no mention of narcissism and narcissistic abuse - instead CBT instruct us that anger is good always and that we must tolerate abuse and serial killers and corporations and criminals. That we are abnormal if we see criminals and abusers as problem. CBT will explain that anger is inside us - as if there are not abusive toxic people outside of us. CBT will instruct us to feel self blame and shame and guilt for having any reaction to angry person. CBT does not explain that person who is angry all the time, that such person is manipulative and using gaslighting and temper tantrums to control other people. CBT does not explain what to do in such situations - instead CBT instruct us to think that our attempt in interpreting event is the only problem. This is actually narcissistic abuse 1-on-1. CBT is form of covert narcissistic abuse. CBT will use meaningless examples of anger such as someone being rude in the store - which is healed very quickly with Mel Robbins advice to enter anything in life by determining in advance how we are going to feel. CBT will not explain real life examples such as working in corrupt corporations - mobbing and abuse and bullying - because CBT is coming from evil corrupt corporations. CBT tries to lobotomize masses of people so that they endure abuse at work and they serve and obey mentally ill narcissists at work. CBT will instruct us that we must monitor our emotions and reactions. Again, horrible and highly detrimental advice, as CBT is. In real life this approach that we are highly aware of our emotions - while we are abused by someone mentally ill that is causing fears and anger in the first place - causes more anxiety and hypervigilance. This is called self absorption paradox: "What is the self reflection paradox? The self-absorption paradox describes the contradictory association whereby higher levels of self-awareness are simultaneously associated with higher levels of psychological distress and with psychological well-being." CBT likes to mention cognitive distortions in order to explain thinking errors. CBT does not mention that immature ego defense mechanisms are part of Complex trauma and being exposed to narcissistic abuse - and CBT will not mention that biases and availability heuristics (which are by default cognitive distortions) are part of everyone's mind. All people have thinking errors. This is not our fault. This is not endemic to us. CBT will explain that it is. CBT explains that all people are normal while we are abnormal, guilty and wrong for having cognitive distortions. By doing this, CBT supplies endless money influx for pharma mafia - for healing something that is totally normal part of human mind. Thinking through cognitive distortions will not get rid of them, it only leads to anxiety and mental illness. CBT is making things worse and CBT ought to be banned. CBT idea of breathing - is reaction to anxiety. Any ritual to anxiety leads to OCD. So once again, CBT leads to mental imbalance and mental instability. CBT idea of interrupting anything leads to OCD. Breathing and assessing situation will not help when someone is angry all the time as pattern. That is abuse. CBT another horrible idea is assertiveness - they call it boundaries. Once again - this leads to abuse. IF you are in contact with untreated mentally ill person - having boundaries will get us into serious danger. Mentally ill people who are aggressive will do anything to destroy us. Look at femicide statistics. CBT will say that we must think things through and that we are the ones who are screaming at people. CBT does not mention that there is nothing to think through about someone being sick and abusive. CBT never tells what to do about people who are never ever screaming at people, but are screamed at. CBT will always form and focus anger onto individual and convince anxious person seeking help that they are somehow guilty for experiencing abuse.
Thanks for sharing your view. I don't agree with your blanket criticism of CBT. However, I do feel it has limits. This video may be interesting to you (or may not be!) The Limits of CBT: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-HzgrED8dxn0.html. CBT was not designed to work only with thoughts - but nowadays, I agree, they are overemphasized and behavior underemphasized. And EMDR is more effective for trauma. I do wish you the best!
Many of my videos could be helpful here - Rumination, Mindfulness... but sometimes for healing we need to have someone supportive listen to our story and validate what we went through.... We are wounded in relationship and we do heal in relationship as well...
i was tols when i broke down and prayer and got humble via christ and requjeshed by prayer to allow tio be cooerct thewn after the dry hen i figuew why am i feeling thid heat balla nd it was my anger to do right my opny concern is how i reac to the correct and pele like in the and trhe trement cuse yoyu gthe ;iomit i once went thrtioght when in my mid twney and agin in late thire they healkt but i ear unsess
My prefeontal can understand my adult disappointments but once i trust someone and they then stick their fingers in my eyes for fun _ (around sadistic people)my baby trauma gets activated _ only betrayal makes me angry now _ its primal and its painful. Can u address the automatic lizard reactions of being beaten as a baby so some retard can feel he or she has some power control and domination. How can a person connect a deeply imprinted reaction in the brain stem to the higher brain. Its like _ okay i know u know how to walk but dont okay just pretend that that your not starving cold or wet_ and that the people around u are not screaming DIE at you.Its okay just connect to your higher brain and think this out_ hmm maybe i just ansered my own question. Thanks for the therapy 😊 blessings
I’m going to anger my family to see what I can do for my family to be better for me to have them help out in my life and I will not be there to do it for them
When people speak the truth which is hard for them to hear then they will say it is anger. This battle is not mine but the Lord. Planty manipulation is going on but God sees it all . I thank God Almighty for you sees it all.
yes i fear fear cause i like to be happty and like and casue me to me two faced so i cope by explain here and and leva i think it techique and limit amd awared by timwe and skill prgue4ss i likrw to think yhge payt out and oprie and right version to by srteps
Oh jesus... This woman and this approach.. assumes that you have time to sit and cognitively filtrate hair trigger rage. I get triggered instanteously by noise, smelling weed, speeding, someone barking dog, shit in the grass, screaming kids in stores..
Rosa Parks anger? Yikes...that explanation sounded a bit tone deaf....It's okay to say black people or African American people who were discriminated against and suffered under segregation instead of referring to them as “other people”. This is a form of erasure and the message became lost the minute you said that to your viewers who are black & descendants of those people
hmmm… thank you for your perspective and I will think about it and Re listen. I feel it is honoring a human being who stood up for her valid rights in a way that is a model for all of us.
