Childhood Neglect And The Feeling That You Can Never Belong 

“I lived well today”. This is so helpful, as is this entire video. I feel like you are talking directly to me! At age 58, I am finally discovering strategies to get myself going. I don’t always use the use strategies - I’m new at this - but knowing I have them, and knowing that what I have been experiencing all these years is real and valid, has been an enormous help.

I went to a meetup this saturday where we were supposed to be authentic and vulnerable, I told them that I was on the autism spectrum and almost everyone in the group started making jokes about autistic people. It triggered me a lot and I ended up going out alone drinking that night, there was a guy from that group who was trying to hook up with me which is not what I'm looking for right now in my life. In order to get away from him, I went to the dancefloor and was dancing alone for hours. I could hear people laughing at me from a distance, another girl started dancing with her friend and I could swear they were mocking me. I may be overly sensitive, but this is the kind of stuff that happens when I decide to put myself out there. It usually makes me go back into isolation - but I am refusing to continue to live in isolation. I probably shouldn't drink anymore but I left that experience and cried for two hours about how alone I feel, how different I feel from everyone and that I never seem to fit in. Even me trying 'stand alone and be myself' makes me sad. I don't actually want to be a lone wolf but people-ing has never been my strong suit.

I heard a quote recently that went something like this: "we all grew up in the same household, but not the same family." Makes sense. My experience was way different than my siblings.

It's like watching others play the game of life while you are the only one not knowing the rules.

I had a brutal crush on a football player from another school. I never told him. I wanted to go to prom with him, but I felt so bad about myself I didn't think he would ever do it, much less want to. After prom a mutual acquaintance told him and he told him, "why didn't she say something I would have taken her." This is the true price of doing nothing. You miss out on the life you could have had.

It’s hard because there is FEAR involved. Fear of not being good enough, fear of not getting it right, fear of failure, fear of criticism, fear of success, fear of more responsibility when I’m already struggling … and the anxiety that creates. That’s what causes my procrastination. Turning that voice off is challenging. I try to just start on a task to get momentum. And I try not to beat myself up for not being perfect.

I can relate to this 100%. Procrastination and avoidance has always been my thing. When I was growing up, TV was my safe place. I could retreat into the world of my favorite TV characters and just live vicariously through them. I didn't have many friends and family in my real life I could trust, so those TV characters became my friends. As an adult, I find myself doing the same when I am stressed with the real world and need to escape. I know I use it as an excuse to not get anything done and delay taking action toward anything that would better myself and my life. It always seems like "too much work" and too much effort to actually take any steps toward any goals. I think about it, and it immediately becomes overwhelming... so I end up not doing anything.

At 47 years old, I am still struggling but only with my family. I was born out of rape and my mother's side of the family raised me and was abused until 18. My mom was institutionalized because she was blind. She died when I was 11. I still get triggered by my aunt because at times I wish she could be my mother, I never had parental love or hugs. So Facebook triggers me because she posts about her kids and grandkids and I feel left out. I feel like an alien like I was dropped in the middle of nowhere with these people. I needed this video, right on time. Thank you so much Anna

It’s rare to find decent people that share my values of treating all living things with civility and respect.

I know what you mean. I had just started going to high school and was invited for a sleepover at a friends house I met. I cant remember if they came to fetch me at my house. It was such a nice middle class to upper class house with this nicest family. I felt so awkward. But I remember they dropped me off at home the Sunday. And the look of sheer horror and pity on that mothers face was palatable. Needless to say I saw her very little from then at school and she found another friend group. I always still feel like the outsider. Like I am never part of anything. Like I am an extra in a movie. I think there is a part of me that is broken that will always leave a hole. A space where I should have been loved.

I read about chronic loneliness from not bonding with parents. The chronic loneliness will cause feelings of not belonging or feeling left out. Can lead to trauma bonding to those that also were neglected causing the narcissist/codependency cycle.

Thank you for reminding me that I don't need to let life kick my ass, I need to kick ass in life😊

I walk alone each night when the light fails. I live in a small city in the UK where there are restaurants and other establishments. I feel empty inside when gazing into venue windows, where families & friends are gathered; laughing, at ease, connected. Aside from a brief moment in time, way back, I have always felt this way. Through habituation and time, this feeling is now foundational to my being and I am an alien in this world. I was later in life diagnosed as autistic, albeit on the higher functioning spectrum, so that feeds the disconnect. However, the core perception of me vs. the world was a by-product of a harsh & then abandoning mother and then an abandoning father. My journey is one of being empty much of the time with transitory periods of acute pain, then depression. None of us contracted prior to birth for this life imposed and the tragedy is, many of us are fated through circumstance, to walk this life alone.

I’m drawn towards the failures too, but not just romantically. I also feel soooo inferior to “normal”, successful achievers. They scare me and I avoid. I feel less inferior to people who are a mess in some way, so I feel more comfortable and able to interact.

Hearing your 'prom story' made me cry because I experienced that fear, that terror of people seeing inside my childhood life. I still experience that and move mountains to keep everyone from coming inside my house. There's no reason anymore. None. Still the shame exists. .

It's Iike being frozen. When I get Iike this (and this cycle has lasted a few years) when given two choices, I will aIways make the worst choice, then ruminate on it ceaseIessIy. I've isoIated myself, so have no one to call, no one to talk to. I don't even know where to begin. Here, I guess. Thank You so much for these videos.

I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I know im not "the relevant member" of friend groups, its easy to see when people find it so easy to organise things without you, but avoid doing it if someone else in the group isnt available at the time. In my whole life I have met one friend I can truly relate to, and im scared to hell of losing her, especially with struggling with a depressive episode for so long now. I was ok with it for a good while finding joy in my work and interests, but now with my depressive episode coming in I can absolutely feel the "i dont deserve to spend time with healthy people" or "healthy people want nothing to do with me" line of feeling.

I have a brother that is very condescending. The best thing I can do is keep my distance.

I am sitting here with my mouth open 😮 I have never been able to articulate what goes on in me, and thank you

I appreciate that you're in the trenches with us - and that you are willing to say "it's still hard, it still takes a ton of work, and sometimes I don't feel like doing it." I appreciate the hours and hours of energy you've put forth to help so many millions of people.

Well, in all seriousness, I was a Navy kid with an invalid mother. We moved every 2yrs until I was 11. I learned that, after I made friends, we moved away. I was a painfully shy and withdrawn child, just anyway, and my sister was a bully to me. I just wanted to fade into the background and still pretty much do. Mom tried but she could only do so much. Now I'm 67, I live alone with my critters at the end of the road at the top of a mountain (there IS a convenience store a mile away). Even when I lived in town I didn't have friends or a support system. My daughter lives 40 miles away and that's it all the family close by. I think people think I'm weird even still, but I've learned not to care and found that, if they take the time to know me, they usually like me. The bottom line is, no: I don't, "fit in." I'm also bipolar as well as c-adhd. But, not fitting in means I'm free to be different because I'm never going to fit in no matter how hard I try. I've learned that if I'm content in myself, others accept me better. Of course, I'm retired now so I don't have to go to a job or see people if I don't want to. When I do go out in public -- with close friends or shopping -- it depletes me, so I've finally accepted that and plan accordingly.

I finally got my comprehensive psych results back from many sessions and it explains why my career resembles a train wreck, as a 52yo male it makes sense why I could not fit in AND perform well at work or any jobs. My diagnosis is: 1) CPTSD, 2) Clinical Anxiety, 3) Specific Learning Disability, and of course, 4) ADHD. What really annoys me is that you need to be on benefits (Centrelink Social Security in Aust) to receive any kind of support in finding workplaces that cater for disabilities. This year has been painfully difficult, not only in becoming jobless, but also feeling completely useless and unproductive. However, I have promised myself to take up training at the gym, with is good therapy for me. Anyone else going through this just remember to look after yourself and keep watching videos from Crappy Childhood Fairy.

I think my first memory was going with my mother to some sort of pre-school that was offered in our town. I think I was around 4, the moms were all accompanying their children. We walked in together with another mom & child & stood in the doorway. My mom was holding my hand & I stood there with that anxious, weak, almost paranoid feeling of being different & defenseless. It always amazes me that I felt that at such a young age.

This is actually what’s stopping me from creating a retirement schedule! Can’t get out of my own way. Didn’t know it until now. Thank you for enlightening me!

My best friend and I come from similar horrible homes as children. We rarely talk about it, but we both just know that the other one understands.

This is been my life I learned this finally took me 62 year's to learn had a very toxic early childhood and my 1st husband l had two kids with he was a explosive temper he bet me and had affairs etc. Your channel has helped been to therapy many times it wasn't effective to talk about it. Thanks for everything you do for us ❤

Thanks for sharing your early childhood story. This shame you felt as a teenager about your parents‘ house is the shame I have been feeling for a long time as an adult. I don’t invite anyone into my 1-bed room apartment anymore because I don’t want people to pity me or look down on me. The reason I believe this? A man who I had been dating for two years wanted to visit me at home. A friend had encouraged me that if he was the one for me, he wouldn’t mind that I don’t live in a large fancy apartment. Truth be told, he looked uncomfortable, faked an urgent call and mentioned that he wouldn’t stay over as planned but take a hotel room. I threw him out and later cried my eyes out. I had never felt so humiliated and ashamed of my home and little money. Ever since I don’t invite people over and live quite isolated. I understand this kind of shame and all means to hide it. 😔

You have just vocalised my life ,I'm creative and talented but I sabotage myself .No one validated me just denigrated me so that voice paralyses me .

First I would like to tell you what a Phenomenal woman you are. I want to thank you soooo much for the content you put out. At 65 I can relate to everything you've gone through. I'm sure thousands of people can relate how we're unaware that we go through life making these mistakes because of our PTSD. We keep on repeating these patterns over and over until we awake. And at 65 years old I am finally awake. Awake to the manipulation by my family members, awake to the red flags of dating. Not loving myself enough. And it's sad how blind I was for 65 years almost losing some of the best years of my life due to Other Peoples Chaos!!!! In my childhood being raised by a Narcissistic Rageaholic who could care less about me as a person. To poor choices in unavailable partners, marrying an Alcoholic who influenced his children to be Alcoholics. Constantly rescuing people when I was the one that needed to be rescued. And at 65 getting into a 12 step program reading a lot of books and therapy, knowing what real self-love is I finally got it. And I'm now ready for the best years of my life. Love you Anna ⚘ Big Hugs 🥰

The magic thing about self-care is connecting honestly with your own compassionate heart. Sometimes its really painful to feel what we are really feeling. And bravo! To all of us who choose, and keep choosing, to love.

Me, too. Grew up poor, deserted by our mom, dad was emotionally distant, we grew up like latchkey kids. I didn't fit in w the other kids at school, hardly had any friends , didn't feel worthy of goin to any proms so I didn't. All my life even to now don't "fit in". Always been a loner. It don't bother me anymore (am age 62 now). I'd rather relax w my hobbies and pets. What has always bothered me the most is being betrayed by my mother. She betrayed me in many ways, used me all the years as an adult when I tried to please her and have a relationship w her. I just didn't matter to her, and that's a hard pill to swaller.

I love the term "crap fitting"! After ending a highly abusive live in relationship where non of my goals were being supported, at 36 committed to never dating again and living the life of a single person. I have lived a peaceful and contented life. I am now retired and feel I need to develop friendships and hopefully a romantic partner whom enriches my life. I will not crap fit anymore.

I went through a similar childhood and was diagnosed with PTSD. I went through therapy then I went to college and got a degree in psychology just for myself to understand what I had been through. I had always been attracted to the wrong people and I've been married and divorced 3 times. Now I'm finally waiting on the right person and I have boundaries. It is important to heal yourself.

My mum loved using the silent treatment or just ignoring us kids, like we were air in the room....and dad drank, always thought he was the issue but now I understand my mum was the master manipulator who made everyone believe he was the bad one, when she was sooooo mean and used cutting words, remarks and looked down on people.....she goaded him, and when he drank all his suppressed anger came out and we had to listen to it.....I was always tired as a kid, we all had a hard time getting up in the mornings after such sessions, to this day I have hard time falling asleep and if I wake up, thats it, cannot go back to sleep.....My dad died when I was young as well but never got to even say goodby, he was really a good man even though he inadvertently caused us grief...Can relate to so much to all this. Thank you Anna for sharing. x

This is incredibly validating, yet a kick in the ass at the same time. Thank you! I have CPTSD and ADHD and I’ve been trying to avoid stress for the past three years.. it’s becoming very problematic and I don’t do much anymore.. I’m trying to get out of that habit and stop procrastinating.. it’s so hard, and I need to just do it anyway.

You've given me more break throughs in 5 min than years of therapy has done for me. I wasn't aware that every friendship and every relationship has been affected by my childhood trauma. It's gotten in the way of making new and meaningful friendships. That's just one example. Thank you for putting into words what I experience and making sense of it. ❤

My oldest son was severely abused by his father and exposed to a lot of evil. I always wondered why he is choosing people who make poor life decisions and disrespect him … thank you for helping me understand. Lord please heal my son, help him solve his life problems and get wiser, and help him make wise choices and bring great friends into his life and help him choose to be friends with people who make wise choices. Lord please remove his shame and give him confidence. Amen 🙏🏻❤️

Not long after going no contact with my toxic family in August of this year, I discovered this wonderful channel and I started doing the daily practice. Thank you again, Anna, for sharing this information so generously. I can honestly say that this is the wildest ride of my life. The changes are remarkable and so welcome after years of dysregulation. The writing really does the trick, and it was very helpful knowing that CPTSD is essentially brain damage as a result of trauma. I love it that I can tear up the paper after filling it with crazy fears and resentments, and some not so crazy. No one has to know anything about what I write. It's a mess in there in my brain, and getting it out on paper seems to reduce the power of those fears to cause pain to me or to others, should I act out on any of it. I've never been so hopeful about my future, and my dear husband is making the same journey. Our love life is really nice now.

Anna, I woke up during the night thinking about why you looked at road workers in the past with a feeling of them having a sense of purpose and achievement at the end of their day ( paraphrasing) and it ocurred to me that it was not a random thing that you associated this particularly with road workers. When you consider this 'road' or journey that we are all on, maybe we are a bit like those road workers to some degree. There is the section of the road that we have already built - the past - and for people with childhood PTSD, we can spend a large proportion of our lives travelling up and down this familiar stretch of road because we know the terrain even when it constantly leads back to trauma and terrible suffering but we are all deeply attached to the past and the familiar.. BUT there is always that part of the road where our 'inner road worker' is waiting to construct a new section of road that goes in a totally different direction and is always moving forward - the future. When faced with the possibility of going back down the old highway, it often seems easiest when we are already in pain compared to facing the unknown and having to put in the effort and energy and emotional upheaval required to lay down the foundations for a new and infinitely better route. However, it is at this crossroads that we often discover that the 'road worker' that resides within all of us is stronger and more powerful than we could have possibly imagined and his/her other name is 'healing'. I know this is a kind of simplistic metaphor Anna and not enough to have jarred me out of sleep but it did and I kind of like the notion that we are the architects or engineers in this case, of how we want the course of our future pathways to look. Thank you for everything. You are helping me to change the course of my own life one minute at a time.

I was just going over this in my head today. Watching my eldery mom sink deeper into alzheimers daily. And remembering my childhood and how she was. So narcissist it's unbelievable. I just keep telling myself it could've been worse...

Thank you. This showed up on the very day that I needed to hear this. I recently found out, at the age of 53, that I had been adopted as a child and was never told. Every day has subsequently become an enormous struggle and this talk has helped enormously in explaining, and dealing with some of my default behaviours. I cannot thank you enough for this today.

Wow, your childhood is almost exactly like mine! Dad left, mom alcoholic, living in a dumpy apartment, really poor etc. So yeah, I grew up fast, was drawn to the bad boy. I was always hanging out at my friends houses. Sober parents in a clean house, and they included me at dinner time. I am now so grateful for the influence they had on my life❤

I had a nasty argument with my husband of 33 years two nights ago. We were on the way to a Halloween party. I don’t remember how the subject came up because the fight was intense but he said “at least I have friends”. Well, I have told him before that it’s hard for me to make friends because I moved 9 times by the time I was 18 and I was always trying to fit in no matter what. I just wanted friends and was willing to change myself just to have them. I had one good friend my entire life. She died at 46 years old. Now I have none. Zero. I guess my point is, my husband uses my weaknesses against me and I’m feeling really stuck in this marriage because I have no money to leave. I was a caretaker to my dad and then to my mom for the last 4 years of her life and I have no job skills. I’m so depressed and afraid of my future. I feel so insecure. If you have any advice I would certainly be grateful. Thanks.

Feelings of never being loved by anyone. So if someone loves and tells they do. You will never really believe them.

I have CPTSD for sure, and I also deal with depression. I also have some kind of undiagnosed mental disorder - possibly ADHD. Watching this and other mental health videos have given me some clarity. Thank you. Hopefully I get my issues worked out. This is definitely helping.

Thank you for the work you do. Every time I feel like I'm regressing, I just imagine what you would say to me in those moments and it helps me keep going

I just turned 65 and I am amazed at how accurately you have described my personality and early life experiences through your videos. I could always accept being diagnosed ADHD and Depression and probably wouldn’t have considered CPTSD before but I can accept it 100% since reentering therapy and watching your videos. I hope I am not too old to heal now.

I was going to join a procrastinator's support group but they havent organised a meeting yet! 😅 Seriously though, the more I'm learning about CPTSD the more I understand why I was so messed up in my younger years. Thanks a million times for your videos and for sharing your thoughts and experiences! ❤

That childhood life experience of your prom is heartbreaking. I am 60 years old and have always thought my childhood was bad but this video has made me realize that I am wrong, maybe I dealt with some dysfunction or parenting ignorance but nothing like your story. Education is the tool that can fix what’s broken. Putting yourself out there for people is courageous and loving. Something that I’ve learned about life and people is our life experiences shape who we are, so remove yourself from people who don’t contribute positive energy and thoughts to you and your world. Your an angel

You are amazing. A gift to the world. I bet your dad is so proud of you from the other side. Many thanks from NZ. 💜

Anna, i hope you know how thankful we are for you and the hard work you do to help us. you are such a big help to so many of us. thank you

💞 I just want to say that ADHD can = procrastination stress, which carries over into adulthood. Just the other day my daughter, 28, tried to blame me for the fact that she's a slob and can't keep house. Her reasoning is because having a clean home was/is important to me and that somehow stressed her out creating cPTSD😳 From the age of 12 my daughter only had 2 chores which were to only wash the dishes after supper and once a week clean a tiny minimalist bathroom that only took her tops 20mins to do. Here I believed as an intentional, non neglectful parent I was teaching her hygiene skills and responsibility. I cleaned everything else cuz I didn't want to over burden her as homework was a mental overwhelm for her ADHD brain. I don't know where I went wrong🤷

My heart hurts for the grief you have suffered. I wish I could hug you and wipe all of that away. Your desire to help others through similar issues is really admirable. I have watched a number of your videos and I have learned a lot. Thank you for setting aside the embarrassment you felt in order to help others.

Thank you--you are SO helpful!!! I have listened to many therapists on youtube who deal with childhood emotional abuse from a narcissistic mother, but you are the ONLY one who identifies with EXACTLY what I went through and who is truly helpful. I am 70 years old and have never been able to overcome the feeling of never belonging. I remember even as a child often imagining I was standing on the sidewalk outside a candy store and looking in the window, but never allowed to go inside. That is how I imagined and expressed in my mind what it was like to feel like I never belonged in my family. My mother was a narcissistic, I was the scapegoat who never felt I belonged, my older brother was the Golden Child who could do no wrong, and my father was afraid to stand up to mother (I think he feared he would be treated the same as me if he defended me), and often he even went along with her emotional abuse of me. In this video you hit the nail on the head--you describe exactly what I have struggled with all my life, and your observations and suggestions are SO helpful!!! THANK YOU!

You are the only person I’ve connected to. I grew up very similar to you and I feel I’m understood here. Thank you for all you do, you have changed my life and I appreciate you.

You survived all of this because you had to be here to help others. God bless you forever.

It’s amazing how much wisdom you manage to fit into your videos. Thank you, Anna, for doing what you are doing! ❤

Thank you for this video! While watching, I GOT DRESSED. I PUT MY SHOES ON. I GAVE MYSELF A MINI-FACIAL (with warm filtered water and a heavy duty paper towel). I feel soothed and invigorated; just be doing self-care!

The way you speak and describe is so beautiful you recall your memories almost... It's so beautiful thank you for being here I find you to be a very special person

I’m so grateful for you. I really truly appreciate how you fight to get your message to all of us through. Thank you. Always. Thank you.

Looking back as an adult, I see how dysfunctional I was as a child and even more so as an adolescent. We think then that we are keeping it under wraps so well, but adults know better. I find myself wondering why the adults in my life then didn't do or say anything to help, even though they knew I was in tremendous pain. I think it's just so overwhelming and frightening to people who haven't experienced what we call CPTSD that they don't know what to say. It's important not to blame anyone, which is something I find myself doing in my weaker moments.

A nice story about the prom. You lost me when you loved you're dad & he got you a dress. The point, some one loved you. No one loved me.

Just watching this right now. I am 39 this year and I wish with all my heart I could have been able to have my dating years without CPTSD. I would have probably dated more and had more self esteem to ask someone for a date if I thought they were a catch. I think about lost experiences and sometimes I get angry. Hard to look back sometimes.

I’m so happy you found the way through, became The Crappy Childhood Fairy in earnest and are sharing your lived experience and tools with us 💫

Bless you for your channel! I’ve learned more from you than years of therapy. Most therapist mean well, but I don’t think they understand what our childhoods were like. You have to live it to understand it.

You are so helpful for me. I had an alcoholic dad and a mom who struggled with life

While I was familar with PTSD, I was not aware of it having to do with childhood trauma. What happened in my childhood greatly affected how I have been as an adult. I chose not to have children because I feared that I would not be a good father (I now realize I was wrong). As both a child and an adult I've had difficulty with my parents. I moved overseas to teach and decided I liked it and have stayed for 20 years. My father passed away just before I moved and I was able to get some closure from him. My mom is still alive and we were on speaking terms until recently when we had a pretty big argument and decided we were not going to talk to each other for the rest of the year (this includes canceling my coming home for Christmas). I have two siblings (one half) and I tried for a while to stay in contact with them and finally realize they have their own crap and have given up on trying to communicate with them. Sometimes I feel like being 5,000 miles away is not enough. I realize I have a lot of work to do to be able to live better and not let things get to me so easily.

OMG!! I can relate to 12 out of 20 of those steps, unavailable people, rushing into a relationship....when I met my x boyfriend it took 6 months from we met to us having a house......and I felt trapped..and now the other side of the spectrum, avoidance...it is crazy how destructive an unsafe family home growing up effect you. I am willing to change for sure. Thank you Anna. x

You described my childhood when you were talking about your childhood. I don’t know how it’s possible

I'm a loner now was married to some one who took his life in 2010. I learned that you can't change a person who doesn't want change. Thank 😊 You for your knowledge 🙏

Yeah I can relate to paralysis in trying to create. I started this storytelling podcast last year, and it's incredibly enriching and rewarding to make, but it's also HARD! Every episode required at least 30 hours of work to make. It's been one of the greatest joys of my creative career but I burned out last year trying to do too much, and haven't been able to get started again. I want to do it but I don't want to do it. Maybe it's in part due to the stress of the work, but also because I'm writing about my family and that feels dangerous even if I'm only speaking in allegory and not directly discussing the abuse, bringing the listener through the fear and loneliness of growing up in a dangerous household through the art of ghost stories. It's more terrifying for me to make than it is for people to hear it, but it's also the most rewarding creative endeavor I've ever undertaken. There was also always all this pressure from my mother to be not just successful, but a prodigy, so the perfectionism I face is daunting. I appreciate your advice, tho. I'll try to find ways I can take action that's in direct proportion to my ability instead of worrying about the results.

Hello. I am a 53 year old man. I can relate to 100% of everything you are saying. It’s incredible because I’ve never heard anyone else talk about I. I can relate to you and I’m sure you and I would be friends.

So if I have complex PTSD, what do I do about it? I’m unemployed, in my 50s, and I’ve lost nearly every relationship I had over the past three years because I didn’t jump in on the popular narratives that the media pushes. The divisive stuff totally stresses me out, and everything is hyper partisan now. I perpetually feel like a stranger in a strange land.

I love you for who you are, how much you share openly and how much I relate to you. I think you’re beautiful and thank you for ALL of your caring videos. You are a breath of fresh air to me. Thank you! Big hug to you.

This video was very emotional for me. Thank you so much for your work.

I have never felt as though I belonged to anything and I can relate easily to misfits. However, I am extremely skillful at compartmentalizing my life and when I m interacting with people who experience persistent difficulties I can listen and relate. A year or so ago, I was sitting outside a coffee shop and this fellow came up and politely asked if I had a cigarette. I told him I didn’t smoke. That lead to a conversation. He was a mature male in his 30s I would say. He felt comfortable enough to tell me he still lived at home, that he had mental health problems, and that he was having problems relating to this town new to him. He said the gas station wouldn’t sell him cigarettes and asked me to purchase a pack. I agreed, he trusted me enough to give me the money andI bought them even though he was short the change. On returning he was full of gratitude. My wife hates when I do these types of things. She tells me I’m going to end up in harm. Maybe, but a simple interaction means the world to some because transactional relationships are the norm and this gentleman was outside the norm.

Wow, you really did describe my childhood, and I even had to deal with low executive regulation with undiagnosed autistic traits, and diagnosed adhd that is mixed with my severe math learning disability. I have a LOT of childhood memories where I literally cannot remember it, but know that the emotions behind my childhood were negative.

I listened while I was busy doing things, I will listen again.

Thank you Anna. I started to cry to see myself in your words about procrastination. I do the Daily Practice and it helps me a lot. Thanks again!

A large part of my childhood/youth was spent in the foster care system. I was deeply ashamed of the fact I didn't have a "normal" family. People don't understand the circumstances that tend to go with being in care. Like you must be inherently bad. Shame was an integral part of my youth, and I'm only realizing now the myriad of factors in my life that have led to my dysfunctional relationships. Thank you for giving a voice for people who might otherwise remain silent and miserable. ❤️

The “avoid decent people” thing just TOTALLY made me realize why my Bipolar/Narcissistic mother hated my friends. I went into the gifted program and made lifelong friends in a higher social/financial standing while my older siblings did not. Mom loooved mothering my sister’s friends from lower class/broken families and made endless snide remarks about mine. Because I was the “truth teller” kid, and she was both incredibly angered by my popularity and panicked that my friends’ heathier families would realize how emotionally abused I was.

Three cheers for 🎊 🎉Anna Runkle !!! Anna words don’t quite describe how much of a help you are how much of a comfort. You have created something out of nothing, and in that have touched and help so many lives. When we were stuck in the muck and mire of the age and could barely raise our heads. You were/are there. They are to make sense of it and there are two shed light on it. I have lived my entire life being stuck. Or nearly. Waiting for things to get better so that I could move so that I can live in a place that reflects what is in my heart I eat a place with trees and rivers and mountains. So that we could see things more clearly. No I’m not fawning; I am just truly appreciative. Before I found this podcast, I had never heard of CPTSD. unfortunately, I have every single solitary symptom and it’s a problem. Let me tell you. But not getting it, not getting the CAUSE and EFFECT, not getting the way out is way worse. I want to write you, but not sure I’d want to burden you. Actually, my letter would be so long and rambling and as you say difficult to organize and compose. My trauma has been a little trauma not big , but left me so very scarred. I always think I don’t make a lot of sense but you make me think I do. and I don’t know what more you could offer then all that gems that you currently do so I will wait. As you say, expressing yourself is hard and life is hard. Life has been very hard for me, but, I am appreciative for the help you’ve brought! Please please be harde and keep doing what you do because it is such important valuable work. And answers like this are not easy to find in the world. Part of the road to recovery ❤️‍🩹 again I thank you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Thank you, for creating this channel. It takes a lot of creative time. You are helping so many people. I have shared your videos with so many people that I know that needed to hear this, including many in my own family. Although 35 years ago, I put my faith in Jesus Christ and started walking with Him, I see my identity in Him so this has helped heal my crappy childhood trauma. Your videos are so spot on. I can see the connections from this trauma and why I felt and reacted in certain ways, most of my life. It also helps me to see certain issues with my oldest sister, who is still in the midst of all of the childhood trauma at 70 years old. I pray that she would experience healing and be able to have joy in the remainder of her life. She is bitter and unhappy, lashing out at us and blaming us, for being happy. It's a weird cycle. We just keep loving her. Thank you for your love and sincerely caring for this community of followers. You are a blessing! God bless you!

Stop settling for crumbs. Yep. Wow. Thank you Anna. SO many things you’ve said ARE me!

Wow Anna, you are so vulnerable and open about your 8th grade experiences. I felt you so deeply. 8th grade was a turning point for me too, I thought I’d experience joy when I started growing up , but instead my life went down a path that fostered even more shame about who I was and who I become. Yes, I get it.

Ohh my heart was breaking for you and for me when you talked about your childhood home. I was so embarrassed by my house for similar reasons. Every day of my life I am grateful that I get to choose what my home looks and feels like to me. There's so much more I could say but that really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing.

LOL Combing the cat 🤣🤣🤣. That made me smile ❤️

Thank you so much for being here. I feel like I could pour my heart to you and you would totally understand.

To fight procrastination as a military veteran with “issues” you get used to adapting & using discipline & force motivation… so you don’t feel anxious & depressed… even harder when you have complex problems & agoraphobic… but you gotta live your life & face it or the problem controls you

Wow. Just phenomenal. I’m so glad I found your channel. I’ve been living in shame all my life. So nice to find someone who gets me.

Not belonging is a blessing

Interesting how so much of your truth is proclaimed in the Bible. Unfortunately so many in the church are either affected by the same things you talk about or even caused by some of man’s interpretations and church practices that are really mistakes. The answer is not to leave your faith in Jesus, but dig into the absolute truths that he will never ever abandon us and that we are ALL ADOPTED children. None the less your talks and “equipment” are practical solid useful! Thank you for adding help to a world that is confusing for adults, let alone children. It’s hard to admit we have this baggage-and we have caused some of the baggage in our own children…. But that there is help is a blessing. So thanks!

Wow, this is SUCH a G R E A T video, Anna!! So great, I'm going to listen again with MY fairy pencil (take notes) Nailed it!!

You have a wonderful conversational delivery that feels and IS genuinely personal and authentic. This is one of the most helpful channels on RU-vid in my view. Thank you wholeheartedly!

Lol, the "Two Dimensional" thing has literally come out of my mouth many times. I always think of the other misfits as "my tribe". Maybe someday I'll get past that, but I'm truly happy on my own right now.

Seeing a therapist few months ago, and founding out you channel, has helped me a lot. At 26 yo I have enough time to change my life for the better, and realize all my big dreams and hopes ✨ so thank you, and the team, for all of your work ❤️ I struggled a lot with my attraction to toxic people. As you said, finding people who know what CPTSD is, seems like a life quest for me. But it often leads me to people who are not healed and still in all the troubles, so not healthy relationships for me. I also have a problem with attachment to people. I usually fall in love extremely fast and I give it all in, forgetting my own needs to please someone. It's been few years now that I stopped this pattern of pleasing, because I realized that I still exist on my own, even if everyone doesn't love me or approves me. Now in my romantic life, I feel better alone. But I still need friends and social interactions to be human, so I started going to a sport club, small social events, etc. And I feel a looooot better. I tried to go towards "normal" good people, but they often feel flat, 2D as you say, even boring. I can't relate to them. Everyone has their own problems in life, it's true, but it's not the same level... Even with CPTSD, everyone doesn't have the same goals and view of life as me, and it only adds more distance. It's like searching a special needle, in a hay full of needles. 😑 I've recently met a guy, at first he seemed lovely, with values and all, but I realize we do not have the same goals in life and that makes me feeling less for him as time goes by. And that's totally fine !!

You have literally changed my life! I’m 55 and a therapist myself but nobody has ever addressed my childhood wounds so clearly and precisely as you. Despite having two children, I have spent the vast majority of my adult life single. My own family treat me, to this day, as an outsider. I never fully understood why, until I started listening to you. Thank you so much ❤

I have been there, honey. I am now 73, and I have sailed the world, and served my country in the armed forces. And it's only now after years of searching, I have found myself ❤

Can't be said enough: I lived an almost identical childhood and still forever figuring it out in my mid 30s. Thank you for your videos, for seeing us, for helping us. For creating a space for our tribe x)

You have explained so much, explained why all the bad boys with tatoos and work at the gas station are the only ones that ever asked me out, and even they didn't treat me well. But I would always go back for more. The nice boys were just too boring. In adulthood, and I'm single for many years after divorce from a narcissist, I just do not understand why the most unattractive men will boldly come up to me, ask me out, and want my attention and of course men love the sound of their own voice, and I, the people pleaser am a great listener, and yet the somewhat attractive men with a good job, or a future, have never given me the time of day. And I was so pretty when I was younger and trying to find a husband, but no good looking men ever wanted me back. I am still the giver who attracts the takers. My friends, my neighbors, everyone. Absolutely everyone in my life is a taker. I have to set boundaries all the time. I'm so tired of being on guard so I won't be used, it's exhausting