Our medical system is so messed up... I've been looking for a therapist for months with no luck. Your videos truly do make a difference. This is the only therapy i'm able to get right now. Thanks for doing what you do.
Hey, I've found Tim Fletcher and Crappy Childhood Fairy are also great and I am listening to all 3 (including Scott) right now. They all complement each other. Best therapy you can get! All the best
It's sad isn't it? The lack of GOOD affordable mental health care was bad before the pandemic, but now it's almost non-existent. I wonder how many of us are trying to figure it out on our own with the help of wonderful people like Dr. Scott? Mental illness IS an illness like any other and it's time the insurance companies and health care industry recognizes it.
I would suggest you try looking for a therapist in other countries, especially ex Soviet countries. Why? They are much more affordable and those of them who can work in English are as good as American therapists. It's going to be online sessions obviously which is better than no sessions at all.
I'm sorry you went through that. I can relate. I grew up poor and was despised by most people. Girls were especially cruel to me because I was not an athlete and I was a good student. My only friends were other boys like myself and some much older men. Fast forward several decades and I no longer seek approval from others. I feel no need to change my personality to fit in. I heard a saying that applies here: "They laugh at me because I am different. I laugh at them because they are all the same." Thank you for sharing this, Doctor!
I find that you're personal stories add a massive amount of value to the information that you're presenting, no need to keep them really brief in my opinion! Thanks for everything you do on this channel!
My current issue is struggling to feel valuable or wanted in a romantic relationship. I'm almost 46, so I'm not as cute anymore, I'm poor, and have a disability, so I feel I no longer have worth. I can't be the woman I want to be.
It's definitely not as easy for women to age as it is men. It seems like most men these days all want younger women. Especially because of the whole red pill movement. I honestly shouldn't have isolated myself for so long. After my last relationship I pretty much gave up. That was nearly a decade ago and now I regret it.
Feel same for dating and especially making friends. When I meet other women and we have great conversation and I say "Hey let's hang out sometime and do (shared interest activity). They always say "I can't I have kids."😔
When you are born into the lower part of the stratification tree, you don’t know it. You think it is normal and everyone is that way. It was not until I was in my early 20’s did I started seeing my environment that I grew up in was wrong. The things I thought were expectable like drugs , parties etc were not. People would call me trailer trash , dope head . Etc when I started seeing there were other environments that didn’t live like I was living in, was when I wanted to change my environment. Some never do and that’s the way it is. People we’re judging me for things I was born into and not seeing me the person. I spent years being what they said I was, not realizing I could take steps to change that. Some people never change. We should never judge them for it. They just never knew or learned about anything different. I hope that made sense
You know what gets me too is that there are people, higher in social latter that want to partake and live like those in poverty. I was upset when I found out after leaving a life of poverty that things didn’t change higher up. They just had more money to dress up and look good while doing drugs and other nasty stuff.
I have this with jobs/careers. I dropped out of university because I chose the wrong course for me. I ended up bouncing from different jobs, just trying to be seen as a respectable person with a good job. In mid October i found a decent paying job as a night worker in a supermarket. After 4 weeks I was told i wasnt working fast enough and promptly dismissed a month later. I felt like I was the biggest failure. I mean, what kind of grown person gets fired from a supermarket job? I was unemployed for a week and honestly thats the longest gap in my CV as i never took a gap year out of my studies or work previously. During this time i went for an interview for an optical assistant as the position sounded good. I had low expectations going forbthe interview but i was offered the job om the same day! I've also recently received a pay rise so things are going okay right now
I had a similar experience. It was due to the job being so far below my ability that it bored me. Aiming up brought job success just as it did for you. Good going!
I’m 65, single, no children, stepping into retirement and I’m totally alone. I feel so lost. My siblings are toxic and judgemental and friends are superficial at best. It’s so sad. Just don’t know where to turn.
@faithwalker5196 - thanks I’m jewish and it will cost me $2K/yr to be a member of the Temple and if i want to participate in their member activities. I may just have to do it as the meetups are too much riff raff and no accountability for bad leader behavior.
Religion are parasites, but they do offer community. Instead, I would suggest somewhere else to volunteer where you can contribute your time. There are free tutoring services or helping to clean the neighbourhood, etc. I'm not much to give advice. I'm 50, but basically int he same boat.
Wow you just described my situation. I'm 61 and you are the first to describe exactly what I have been facing. So scared and the hopelessness is profound. I forgot what excitement, happiness. A feeling of belonging or hope feels like. It seems everyone has someone.. some family member who cares, a friend, a partner or spouse, kids etc. I keep searching to see if and how I can do this because I cannot handle the risk of whatever a family members response would be if I just tried to clear the air or how to develop real lasting friendships as people have lives of their own and are super busy. I have always made friends easily. The anxiety comes into play when sustaining it. I feel like I do not have anything to say on the phone and you can only sit and listen for so long before there is the awkward silence. I also do not want to burden people with complaining, or fear sharing.
I had the exact same experience. Always trying to make friends, willing to accept anything from anyone, zero boundaries, bullied constantly. I now have zero self worth, actively verbally bully myself, have severe body dysmorphia, terrible relationships, no friends, social anxiety, avoid people at all costs
I think a lot of us can relate to this. When I was 15-16 all the girls in my year etc were into The Spice Girls and girly stuff and I liked Metallica. That girl group ditched me after a while because I was just different - so I dyed my light blonde hair black to fit in with the metlers/goths at my school (Im in New Zealand I don't know what you guys in USA called the heavy metal people back then!) But I didn't really fit there either. 😕 In the end I finally met people who were more mellow and much more my style. PROBLEM IS, I am repeating this whole process as an adult in the work place - trying to fit in where I know I don't fit.
I feel you and I'm right there with you. I just don't like the same things that most of my age/gender likes. And what's frustrating is I can't even say that out loud anymore because then people think I'm trying to be all like "ooOOh I'm not like other girls" when that's not it at all. 🙁
finding help out of homelessness, after a lifetime just trying to survive, is something I'm finding terribly difficult. my mind understands I need help, I don't have a tribe to point me in the right direction. I'm so lost. life isn't meant to be lived all alone, and my life is one of isolation and deeply alone. it's incredibly difficult not to wallow in a pot of despair.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Homelessness is an epidemic that infuriats me. Cities have a ton of vacant buildings, apartments and hotels they could invest into and male shelter for homeless people and their pets...restaurants throw away enough food to feed the homeless and their pets....if you were close, I would help.
I've been homeless too and it really sucks. It can be hard to remember that you are not your circumstances and you have value even when you have nothing.
I can so relate to this video! It’s extremely difficult to make friends as an adult. Once you hit rock bottom, there really is no where else you can go than up! I also understand that I most likely will never be “enough” for anyone. Someone told me once to stop 🛑 trying to fit in when you are clearly born to stand out. I’m nearing 50, I am more comfortable being in the skin I am in. I’m not going to change just to suit other people who most likely don’t give a 🐀🍑about me. I know what I’m willing to put on the table and if people aren’t down with that, so be it! I’m perfectly fine with eating all my meals by myself!
As hard as that was for you I can’t help but think that it made you the person you are today and without it you wouldn’t be generous and understanding person that you are. 😊
I can relate to what you've shared in this video. From a psychological standpoint, according to the late Selwyn Hughes, human beings need three things: (1) the assurance that they belong (desired, wanted, and that in our absence, we are missed), (2) a sense of personal worth and feel valued for who we are (and not for what we do), and (3) a sense of achievement (that we are successful in one major aspect of our lives). When this doesn't happen through our family of origin, it may set us on a trajectory of trying to prove ourselves to others as well as ourselves. It is exhausting! Once we're content with ourselves and the direction in which our lives are going, that may diminish the stress of trying to prove we're good enough. However, I believe we have to accept ourselves (flaws and all). This becomes difficult when raised in a family of origin where expectations of you were too high.
Oh thank you so much for making this video. What you shared in this video has put so much of the first 25 to 30 years of my life into perspective. So many decisions that I made early on, I can now Trace to what you described. Thank you so much for helping me to make this incredible Discovery late in my life. The word transitive has a whole new meaning for me now .
@@yt-user03561 It's easier to find people who are a good match for you when you let your uniqueness stand out. Rejection is actually a gift, because when people reject each other, they are reserving space for people who are a bitter fit for them. The problem arises when we attach our self-worth or incorrect meanings to rejection, beyond "this person and I are incompatible in regard to this specific type of relationship, at this time." Be a sore thumb, learn to not take rejection or lack of universal appeal properly, and then your tribe will find you among the sea of people who are suppressing themselves in order to be the same shade of grey as everyone else too afraid to be unabashedly themselves.
Dr. Eilers, your video struck a chord with its poignant portrayal of the journey to self-acceptance, serving as a beacon of hope for those navigating similar struggles, while challenging us all to redefine our worth beyond societal constructs.
They say that people will gravitate to you based upon how much you value yourself. I think society values the wrong things in life. Because of this I learned to value my own qualities and don't care as much to be " a part of " any particular group.
Good advice, Dr. Scott. I went through something similar from my late teens through my late 20s, all coinciding with meeting the person who hurt me. Thanks so much.😊
Our culture insists you be in a group. The pressure you get to be in a group in unreal. If you aren't in a group you get told it's because you have low self esteem. If you say, "I'm comfortable doing things by myself," you get told it's because you have low self esteem. If you say, "I value myself but it's difficult to find people who value me and treat me with respect," you get told your standards are too high and you're a stuck-up _______. Our culture is stupid and really messed up. And when you say that you get told not to be so judgmental. 🙄 Here's a thought. I march to my own drummer. Like it or don't. Whatever. Come along and enjoy my many gifts and talents and share yours. Or don't. I'm not waiting around. So fed up with so many idiocies about our culture. If my tribe is out there, it's a bunch of independent, unique, creative people who are utterly fed up with all the B.S. We'll either find each other some day or we won't but I'm so done listening to all the urging to go do this, find that, accommodate this, embrace that in the name of fitting in. Groups are hugely overrated.
This is what happened to me once I had kids. My friends that I grew up with sort of phased out of my life, but I was never able to make "new" friends for some reason. Spent the next decade thinking there was something wrong with me since all the other parents I met seemed to have lots of friends. I just turned 41 and I'm tired of feeling like a reject all the time, so I'm working on being my own best friend. Loved the video! ❤
That chameleon feeling that you had is SO relatable. In 24 and it literally wasn’t until the end of the last year where I realized that I do not actually enjoy my friends and we have such different values. They cut me off as soon as I started expressing myself authenticity. I was sad at first BUT I very quickly found a new friend ( from TikTok of all things) who I genuinely feel alive when I’m around her, I never had that feeling w anyone before and I think it’s due to loving myself and my genuine personality.
Thank you Dr. Scott. I appreciated this video (as a 60+ woman) as a reminder that it will do me some good to move on in life, away from some situations and people where I don't want to be and aren't building me up. I laughed at some points in your video, because I could see myself in what you were describing, and because it's so rare to see and hear this kind of honesty, especially from an accomplished successful professional.
The biggest thing I'm working on at the moment in therapy is to do with self worth. I don't have a lot of it. I am autistic, ADHD with a soup of mental health issues and chronic illnesses. Since stopping work, I have struggled to feel valuable to others because I'm not making money, even though I volunteer and try to do things around the house. It has led to a lot of internalised ableism, feeling like a burden and a failure and at worst suicidal thoughts. My self worth seems to be tied to being useful to others. It doesn't help that society and capitalism puts so much emphasis on work. If you are unable to work, you are treated at lesser, scroungers, lazy etc. I wish I could work, but my body unfortunately disagrees.
Same here. The worst part is, I know like you know that we are valuable by existing. But there is a difference between knowing and KNOWING. Keep working on knowing that you deserve to be here just as much as the assholes do.
Sadly I went through this for decades and realize what I needed to do differently is not so much move up, but find a group COMPLETELY different than the norm. For me...I'm currently saving up for nomad life (have several reasons why I want to go: travel to state and national parks, help my finances with rent getting insane, and social). The social reasons are meeting people that have similar values and view on life, and we would all have a common topic...our rigs and camping locations.
Stop confusing groups of people with an actual friendship! Friends are individual people. Nothing wrong with joining an interest group, say a church or volunteer group or hiking club, but that in itself is not an intimate friendship. One is not the other.
Wasted TOO MANY YEARS believing and basing my worth and identity on whatever everybody's assumptions of who they thought i was. As a child. And they still use things i didbas a CHILD against me a decade later as if im still the same person.
This hit home. But how do I find my tribe if my interests and traits are just distributed so widely? I am okay with who I am but I am extremely diverse in my interests. It's like I like to do EVERYTHING there is on this god damn planet. This means I easily find loose relationships but especially finding a partner is hard as hell. I broke up with my last one last year and it's a mess... Took me years to find a person like she was... So... where tf do I look out for people like myself? A video would be insanely appreciated.
I didn’t understand this video. How do you expect more from yourself? I wish Scott expanded more about that concept in the video. It is unclear what he did to feel better or feel worthy, maybe a few concrete steps or examples would have been more effective to illustrate that concept
Look, I understand what you're talking about, but the thing is - even if I understand that my unwillingness to fit into society tells more about society than about myself (I had rather successful social experiences in other cities, more cultured and established) I cannot change this situation. Why? Simply because I have no money to migrate in a more cultured city where there happens more interesting events etc. Therefore I do not feel well here, but I cannot change this situation by UPscaling. Now that's a conunudrum. And I don't know how to solve it other than waiting patiently for maybe several decades until I can change my flat.
This video, like all your videos really, was an eye opener. It never occurred to me that... maybe I'm better than what I think. It's still gonna be awhile to come to terms with this way of thinking though.
Sounds like how a lot of men think when it comes to dating "well if I can't get an instamodel I guess I'll settle with.. this" or "this is the only person who actually likes me, therefore im gonna be with them" 🙄
This.. is SO eye opening ❤ Ive had it happen to me without realizing.. I fit in with people whom i think i would never "make the cut"...... 😮 Turns out i do.
This video is so much more valuable than you probably realize! Such a powerful message that I wish all kids learned early in life. It would literally change the world as we know it.
I find this really helpful Scott.Ive wasted years feeling whats wrong with me i dont fit in etc..Not being true to oneself and tip toeing around dickheads. Being strong with who you are and not worrying about being liked is paramount.
DR Eiler - your videos are some of the best and most honest psychologists here on YT YOU make it clear you HAVE BEE THERE AND DONE IT IT shows in your videos, you are nailing it !
i was battling depression and my friends left me alone and i start to think about that all the time i wanted them but no one wanted me it was slowly starting to unravel. Now, after 5 years lost confidence mentally, emotionally exhausted
So many people don't fit the mold. You just have to be you and not give in to the misery. I'm almost 50 and still learning this. No one ultimately fits it's an illusion like all fairytales.
Thank you so much for making videos like this and being so open in sharing your own life experiences. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, but there is some sense of comfort in knowing that so many of us have had similar experiences (even a seemingly well put together, intelligent, empathetic mental health professional!). I had the same friends from K-6th grade until I went to middle school in a different district than the rest of my friend group. At first, I clung to the handful of people I did know who also transferred to the new school (did I mention I'm an introvert with social anxiety?) even though we had nothing in common, and I spent years rotating through friend group after friend group trying to find where I fit in until I finally begged my parents to let me go on independent study my senior year of high school. Everyone I tried to befriend over the years lived near each other, grew up together, and could hang out on the weekends whereas I only saw and interacted with them at school. I dreaded break and lunch times because I knew I would be standing around as a warm body with a group of people I didnt think really even liked me but could never really contribute to the conversation because I wasn't at that party or whatever they were talking about. "Somewhere I Belong" by Linkin Park was my theme song as a teenager if that says anything. 😅 Still struggling at 34 with self esteem issues, but so grateful that I get to choose who I want to spend my time with and who can kick rocks! I value the few friendships that I do have and will take quality over quantity anyday.
Kind of sounds like you judge societal outcasts the way society itself does, and that you used those “lower ranking” people to make yourself feel better
What is "The bottom level?" U mean a person like me? I'm your, "bottom level" friend? That's how U C me? "Well i can't find anybody better. So ... I'll just go with it." Reminds me of when i was speaking w/ an elder & mentioned 2 him that i would like 2 "entertain" the CO & his wife. He responded w/, "I'm looking for someone else." He just should have said, "Your not a good enough fit, Im going to find some- one better."
I had seen a psychologist for over a year. He died. Brain cancer. His partner took over my care. By the time he got through with me I knew without a shadow of doubt that I was absolutely worthless. Now I never leave my home. Can’t. Never go to a doctor even though I have SLE. I had to do televisits with yet another psychologist to try to get through what he did to me. Told her up front if I began to trust her I was done. She did help me at least get to the point I accepted the fact there were 4 days I will never know what happened to me. But I did start to trust her. She said she’s there if I ever need her but I just can’t. It’s hard being an intelligent 64 year old woman who can’t ever trust anyone again. I’m going to listen to some of your stuff. Maybe it’ll help. Idk. 😔
I'm in New Zealand & the Mental Health system is not only Backwards but I don't think it ever worked! I'm 50 years old now & have been an "out-patient" of our local hospital for 25 years.
This is insane, why do I have literally the same experiences and feelings just as you? wow, can't believe there's someone in the world thinking about and feeling about those things so similarly. yet I thought I was weird and lonely, but I guess not, thanks for sharing, I feel connected.
Going through I tough spot in my life, been about a year now. Thought I had found the perfect career for myself, turns out I hated it. Now I’m sort of floating around. Also have a hard time making friends, would love to find a group of people who get me and accept me. Definitely agree that people can tell when you put yourself below everyone. Gotta work on that I guess.
I'm so broken by life and myself that I see no decent ending. From trauma childhood to a survival life where i achieved more i thought could be possible (money-wise) for me and the current state which is a empty broken soul. Addict (not consuming now), trapped at home alone, lonely, depressed, not showering, not brushing tooth, not doing my shopping for food, abandoned by world and myself. Only my outside look left me be and stand out in society. Empty. Tried everything i could with no success. Having bad thoughts over and over. No treatment made a difference; only addiction made me fekt better. Even to text this message here to strangers feels so bad and down...
I wish I wasn't. My days pass one after another the last year without one single good-regular day. Friends disappeared. The only thing that helped through life (phisical look) is gone as well. No hope...
@albertoguzmanceballo2234 depression tells you that are alone, and everything is hopeless, and there's nothing you can do. But feeling something doesn't make it true. Everything you ever were, you still are. Functionally, nothing has changed. The difference is in your mind. Please, try to make a start. Do one small thing, just for yourself, every day. You're a good and worthwhile person, man, and I hope you realise that again one day.
As a person who is a good deal older than you and has gone through any life stages I have a recommendation that perhaps summarizes your video. Be the best person you can be for you. Develop your own interests and discover your own talents. I have found that when you do your people will find you. They may not all be in the same click but that's what makes them interesting and let's you learn from them.
If anyone’s first question to me when we meet is, what do you do for a living, I have fun with it. It’s such a shady question. Do they want to know my value by my standard of living so they can exploit me, or is that the best way to understand my values?
It has been said, "I wouldn't want to belong to a club/group that would have someone like me as a member." Shall I add "because I wouldn't stoop so low?" I learned to be " unabashedly myself" and to enjoy living my life at an angle. Soon after, I noticed that people were drawn to me. Suddenly I was in a phenomenal group of people who liked me, faults and all.
I've spent my whole life trying to please people who actually don't seem to care about me. I've read it's a selfish trait but I can't help it as I have massive self esteem issues
exact same here, 57 (although i couldn’t remember if i was actually 57 or 58, def 57, i did the math) and i’ve struggled to make friends since being little
@Dr. Scott Eilers A question you may be able to answer: I am in great therapy (finally!). But I find that I’m really scared of getting better. Is that a normal phase? I know have a long way to go, but even thinking about being “better” sends me into a panic.
Your journey highlights a profound truth: embracing our authentic selves leads to genuine fulfillment. 🌟 Moving against the grain often uncovers our true potential and the unique value we bring to the world.
People are repelled by neediness. And I think that if you feel miserable about yourself, your life, etc.. you are perceiving the world through a filter that makes it hard for you to see the good things. It's basically law of attraction/ assumption, I guess. If you don't feel worthy you can't really let the good things in, that would show you that you are worthy. "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." I have also experienced rejection in primary school and high school. I didn't have friends when I would have needed them the most. Therefore I developed depression and all the bad feelings that come with it. Feeling unworthy being a big one. Also guilt and shame, blaming myself.. It got better around the age of 20, when I decided that I don't have to live and feel like this. So I started to socialize more, got therapy and found friends via the internet. All the time I had to spend alone, with me and my inner world was so important, though. It made me grow so much, get to know myself better and unveil many "wrong" inner patterns, beliefs, etc.. I still struggle with feeling bad about myself at times, but my inner dialogue has changed for the better. Observing one's thoughts and resulting feelings and questioning them if they are harmful is very helpful.
A classic case of a person living in their sympathetic nervous system, fearful and anxious. Its vile. I lived like that for 30 plus years. Only now after lots of my own research l discover how to live in my parasympathetic nervous system.. and what a difference...mindfulness is the key..exhale.
Hey Scott thank you for this video! Also have you looked into, being a licensed source on RU-vid, you will be certified as a credible source! Just an idea to help get more people on this channel!
At least it took you only ten years. I still don't know why I exist. I feel like I'm falling apart again, and I'm going to lose my job security, home, and financial security. I'm so scared that my chronic depression will eventually take my life away.
This video pretty much describes where my life is right now. I did what you are talking about through my teens and 20s. In my mid 30s I stopped doing the chamilion thing, but now I have nobody. Nobody will accept me for who I am. I'm almost 40. Sadly, I feel like the narcissistic, abusive parents who caused these issues is the only place I really belong, and I have isolated myself from that. It would suck to go back to them, but do I have another choice? I like your description of your personality as a Frankenstein. I'm that way as well and I'm not sure how to fix that. One very small example is the genres of music I like. People will make assumptions. Do I really like those genres of music, or is that left over from a time I tried to fit in with a peer group?
I have never felt like I fit in much of anywhere. I have a few close friends and a gaggle of acquaintances. Growing up, I was bullied at school and bullied at home by an older sibling so there was no safe place for me to be myself. In high school I was always in the periphery with friends in all the different groups. Needless to say, my self worth was less than zero. I remember going to a party with some people I thought were my friends. I walked from room to room over time and eventually realized that everyone I had come with weren't there anymore. They were out front in my friend's Chevy Blazer smoking a joint amongst themselves. Not one of them realized, or cared I wasn't there. When I got in the truck, I pulled a joint out and lit it, proceeding to smoke it by myself. One of the others reached for cuz that's what you do, right? Instead, I pulled it away, mentioning how everybody else make it back to the truck and was partying except me, and I'm supposed to share with them? I don't think so. I ended up walking home and tried to make better choices since then. Self worth is still in the shitter but at least I have better, though fewer friends.
I have been working for Goodwill some 5 years at part time work I never feeling like I am working fast enough to move up at Goodwill at 55 what else can I do .. High school for me feeling like it was a hundred years ago ... All this computer stuff is making life harder for me..seen a lot of employees come and go after some 5 years still in the same department
I think as teenagers, most of us lack sufficient self-awareness to see what our qualities really are, or even what the qualities of others really are. So it's not entirely surprising that we have trouble fitting in, if we don't understand that there is no 'in' - most people are a mess of conflicting traits, it's just that we don't know that about them and we do know it about ourselves. That's why it's easier to feel comfortable as you get older, and you, and those people you know, progressively care less and and less about individual traits, with the exception of whether that person is a good person. That's really all that matters - underneath all your problems and your worries and your mistakes, are you a good person.
I never fit in and or had anyone accept or understand me. Nobody ever, im 44, and letting anyone get close enough always tried putting out my fire, changing me, and that's a disservice to myself, i love myself enough to be my own weird friend and never see another person again if they don't respect my peace. And especially sever entanglements, not reincarnate, no attachments, withdraw my energy, withdraw any foundations and even cellular level building blocks. Yanked, if i could have never existed at any level, in any way, layers and layers of subverted exploitation, she can take it back.
Thank you! I did this too and I could have never articulated what was happening like this. I just lost a ton of shame that I've carried around most of my life.
