"The truth is always more eloquent."
I…am afraid of flying. It wasn’t always this way, in my youth, I could fly four hours without an ounce of fear.
But as I grew older and took on all the anxieties that come with mortality, the thought of flying has become close to nightmarish.
When I close my eyes I see shaking windows, fingers stabbing into armrests, and the sound of violently dying engines.
No control…just turbulence…then death.
A few weeks back I found myself at my local hobby shop browsing military model kits, something i’ve never really done before.
There, I locked eyes with this guy, a simple airplane kit, but this hit me like a ton of bricks.
Ya see, while I was looking at this little plastic plane, I was supposed to be on an actual plane.
I had a family trip planned, months of build up and excitement, but the night before i just couldn’t do it, I called it off and stayed behind.
I feel like you and and i know eachother a little bit, this channel has been around for a while, so i’m comfortable sharing this.
I’m diagnosed OCD, and my obsessions relate to death and the control of my immediate person. If you ever wondered why I named the channel Love DEATH and Dice, it is because of my OCD and how those fears are explored in my art projects.
So you know what has those two fears in spades, fucking being locked in a seat rumbling through the sky at 500mph.
I consciously know this is a dumb fear, and the likelihood of anything bad happening is abysmal - but OCD doesn’t care about facts.
The night before my flight, I remember sitting in my car and just a rush of overwhelmingly panic wormed into me. Every thought dominated by the worst outcomes, every muscle clenching ready for the crash.
Nomatter how logically I thought about it, I wouldn’t listen.
This negative emotion building and building until all that was left was a hallowed out person driven by primal fear.
I straight up broke down, lots of tears, lots of repeating phrases.
I called my parents, canceled my ticket, luckily we got the money back, and here I am, feet planted on the ground.
You’d think i feel better but naw. It sucks to let you fear overcome you, I felt - I feel ashamed when my OCD prevents me from doing things that would enrich my life.
Feeling sorry for myself I wandered the city and found my local hobby store. When I looked at this little kit, not only was it painfully poignant but I also got a little glimmer of potential.
Maybe I can turn this into something that my words could never communicate. This diorama is what it felt like to have OCD take hold - to run in absolute fear…
To create something so personal is cathartic, putting a piece out there that shows people what i’m feeling helps me feel a little less alone in those emotions.
Which, I think will help me be ready for the next OCD hurdle - at least a little bit.
There are moments in our lives so great and terrible in their emotionality that all we can do is lock up or face them. I did not face it this time, sometimes fear wins and mental health takes dips - but that doesn’t mean our life is over.
What i’m trying to say is that with everything a journey, we are all on a path of healing and should find ways to turn our fears and negative emotions into something constructive.
I think this helps with the healing, which is why I made this diorama and video.
I hope if you're dealing with something, that you get through it and have the support you need.
If its still too much, maybe the answer is on the end of a paintbrush. It helped me feel better…and then next time I face flying, i’ll have a little bit more strength.
#warhammer #40k #wh40k #AoS #30k #miniatures #painting #hobby #lore
12 май 2024
