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Contempt: The Sulfuric Acid of Love | Dr. John Gottman's 4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse

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Today we’re going to talk about the 3nd Horseman of the Marriage Apocalypse… contempt.
Dr. Gottman calls contempt the sulfuric acid of love.
Needless to say, contempt is frickin’ dangerous if it’s present in your relationship. So pay attention to this post, because I’m going to teach you how to deal with contempt when it shows up, and then set up protections to prevent it from ever creeping back in!
Contempt is dangerous because it robs the relationship of equality and mutual respect.
When a partner is acting out of contempt, they are putting themselves above the other person.
Contempt is making yourself smart, and your partner an idiot.
It’s making yourself right, and your partner a moron for even thinking they could be right.
It’s making yourself the good one, or clean one, or punctual one, or considerate one, or helpful one, or thoughtful one... and then making your partner the wrongest, messiest, most inconsiderate and least helpful person around.
Contempt is putting yourself above your partner.
It’s making them feel small, unimportant or less-than in some way.
A typical sign that you’re being contemptuous is if you’re using weapons like name-calling, swearing, belittling, demeaning comments, mocking, or eye-rolling to get your way or prove a point.
Contempt is usually caused by the buildup of frustration and resentment over time. It creeps into the relationship slowly, then explodes and does serious damage.
Nothing will destroy your relationship faster than contemptuous behavior.
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#Contempt #FourHorsemen #JohnGottman
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Опубликовано:

27 авг 2024

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Комментарии : 32

@MissZarcasm 7 месяцев назад

One important thing to note is that sometimes contempt comes from an unmet need. If you deny your partners communication requests repeatedly, if you do not meet them and hear their complaints and validate their experience then eventually they will grow resentful and contemptuous. I think too often we think that those aggressively negative behaviours only come from people who are "bad people" or who aren't trying to be healthy individuals but that's not true.

@glasshousefuture6836 Год назад

I just wanted to add that contempt which is not vocalized or shown to the partner, but is held in silence close to the heart, is also extremely dangerous, not only because is it still contempt, but your partner may not be as aware to your feelings or ways they need to adjust their communications attitudes and behaviors since they're not even receiving those red flags.

@TheGrowthMarriage 10 месяцев назад

Great point!

@KeyTones- Месяц назад

It’s the behavior that caused the contemptuous response that was the relationship killer.

@czars694 2 месяца назад

That is a great description. I feel like I am part of my own Roast :)

@alanlloyd4766 Год назад

Social Media attracts contempt ridden people

@amandapowers9093 2 года назад

I'm trying.. so hard. I'm so angry with my husband for the way he has treated me for the past 4 years. He pulled away and i did too in response. We are finally talking and he is trying, but not fast enough for me. I want to be patient. But it's hard. 😔

@Psalm_27.4 Год назад

I have concluded that the root of my contempt is existential shame and guilt, as well as shame and guilt for things that I have done that are wrong. It’s a twisted defense mechanism to cover my own shame and guilt. It doesn’t work. It just keeps me in delusion about my root issues. The only thing that I’ve found to stop the cycle is being given greater ability to RECEIVE forgiveness my my existential and actual guilt and shame. The basis of my receiving forgiveness, is the Crucifixion of Christ when He died in my place on the Cross. My only rest is that he paid for all my sins, and gave me the Holy Spirit to guide me in my life, AND his CONTINUAL Forgiveness for my constant shortcomings. In order for me to receive this forgiveness, I have to pretty much give up on being good enough, and accept His perfection on my behalf. It truly is Amazing Grace!

@-jamie-9896 2 года назад

Thank you for this video.

@TheGrowthMarriage 2 года назад

You're welcome!

@KayNichols Год назад

I realize I may have contempt for the cat.

@TheGrowthMarriage 10 месяцев назад

Probably because cats are the worst.

@Elle44289 2 месяца назад

@@TheGrowthMarriage 🧐

@juliasjepson3691 3 года назад

Thank you for this informative video. Love that you are self reflecting in this video as well. Wonderful ✌️

@TheGrowthMarriage 3 года назад

Thanks, Juila! What a lovely comment. :)

@rcz2023 6 месяцев назад

Thank you for sharing

@TeddyCTeddyC 3 года назад

I liked this before any real content, solely for the hairstyling and beard. My compliments to your barber!

@TheGrowthMarriage 3 года назад

I'll pass that along. Aldrige will appreciate that his work is being admired. 😂

@TeddyCTeddyC 3 года назад

@@TheGrowthMarriage I'm a licensed barber so I'm even more impressed than just the average Joe lol

@lakibender7693 3 года назад

Lol I really hadn't noticed til I read this. It is amazing 👍

@rebeccaelfrosine 6 месяцев назад

I just saw this even though it was posted a few years ago. I personally believe that severe contempt can't be fixed because it indicates deep down a dislike for your partner and at that stage the relationship should just end for the best of the people involved

@amandaprather6573 3 года назад

My husband is guilty of criticism and contempt. I’m sure I am a little too. But what do you do when you’re the victim? I’ve been so broken down by this and he doesn’t understand. We are going to therapy and he’s aware of what these are but not sure he realizes how severe it’s been. I know I can only control myself. It’s hard to not be hurt by his past actions. Do I just hope he eventually realizes and changes?

@TheGrowthMarriage 3 года назад

Hope is really not an effective strategy. You need to find a way to: 1) Protect yourself. When he's critical or contemptuous, what's your response? Do you hang around in his presence? Do you allow things to escalate? Do you stand up for yourself, or do you let yourself get steamrolled? 2) Communicate clearly the impact his actions are having on you. Ask him if he can repeat back to you word-for-word what you said, so you are clear he understands. 3) It would be beneficial for you guys to check out The Trust Workshop (HTTP://thetrustworkshop.com) and go through the activities there

@amandahayward2977 2 года назад

I'm in the same boat. And my husbands defensive! Our relationship is rocky right now but we're both starting counselling and I'm getting my own confidence back after learning assertive communication if that helps at all. Would highly, highly recommend it!

@hulksmashgamma5283 2 года назад

How do you not join in with the contempt when you're being hit with a barrage of contemptuous verbal abuse?

@TheGrowthMarriage 2 года назад

You gotta have a plan of action! What is the best way for you to respond when you're feeling contempt from your partner? You can't make it up in the moment. Most people literally don't have a brain that's capable of that. You need to have a predetermined course of action to help you not escalate the situation.

@alanlloyd4766 Год назад

The Negative Health Effects of Contempt Are Unknown. So many people denying Christ to take on Witchcraft is mind-blowing. Contempt becomes normal in their lives, if one assumes such negativity. Christians are admonished to be thankful to become better unified with their mates with their community.