Even Healthy Couples Fight - the Difference Is How | Julie and John Gottman | TED 

Thank you

Even without marriage(though obviously more important in marriage ), and in relationships and friendship you should seek to understand rather than force your opinion etc. Though it still works it’s not healthy just let your wife be right because that just breeds resentment, both parties should seek to understand each other.

Fight to understand!!!! Love this statement m. Makes total sense

Thank you !

Impressive!

🥳

Semantics

Good luck! Marriage helper is also a great resource for a spouse trying to save their marriage.

OMG this helps me a lot!! Thank you for commenting your learnings!!

Thank you so much! I was leaping around the video trying to capture information for my notes

I’m just trying

Nothing that is Mandatory works! Only when people willingly listen they can hear what's been say. Nevertheless I feel your heart and see your desire ❤

@@readheadcopy Tell that to all the school kids who are confronted with math in primary school. 😉

not intending to turn you down, but 1.5 years is not that long. :) stuff can still change a lot, don't take it for granted. but congrats for how you're managing it so far.

You are still in early years, that in love glow is predominant yet. I commend you for trying to work through communication.

1.5 years, enough said. But keep it up!

Try 17 years. With fights. And now we're married, happily. We grew together through those fights. Vs someone I know who never fights with their partner and they are unhappy.

I married my wife after knowing her for 1 year and living together for 6 months, this is now our 4th year of marriage. I decided to marry her because for me, I could tell pretty quickly if I didn't think a woman had long-term potential with me and those "relationships (if you can even call it that)" ended very quickly (2 weeks at most). The fact that I was still with her after a year told me everything I needed to know about whether she was marriage worthy for me ( I realize this is pretty fast, but I'm also not like most people). I don't like to waste time and can be pretty blunt (maybe too blunt) at times. I and my wife probably fight a lot, but we both agreed not to mention the word divorce when we fight, so any fight we have that doesn't involve the word "divorce," we both know is not really a bad fight and it is destined to be resolved at some point. Usually there's no substantive resolution to the issue we fight about, but the fights usually resolve when she asks me to apologize for being a d***, I offer an apology because I'm not a proud man (and do not care for winning/losing an argument since I have more interesting things going on in my life), then she apologizes too, and then we move on (She also appears to have little interest in winning/losing an argument which helps). She still does a lot of things that piss me off but I've lowered my expectations accordingly and I no longer initiate fights like I used to. I've learned that it is often more time-efficient for me to remedy whatever problem she caused than start a fight over it. I will at times mention to her that I fixed a problem she caused but often I won't bother. Also I know my wife really loves me and doesn't like it when we fight so I will often avoid fights for this reason. That was another reason I married her, it was crystal clear to me that she loved me very much, and 4 years later, despite all our fights, her love has not diminished. I will by this man's book so I can be a better Husband (hopefully).

There's hope for you ❤

Is this bait? It looks like bait. 😂

This sure looks like bait. If it was D.I.D. I would be more inclined to believe (in which case I think the answer is yes)

We all have a relationship with ourselves and how we speak to ourselves when we feel conflicted is super important.

😂

Height is never the issue, emotional intelligence is, listening to your partner, respecting them etc.

@@mind_palace I see.

I'm not dissimilar in my choices but there are always going to be some glasses that are unavoidable such as a parent or sibling and even our own aging processes in which we mourn the loss of ourselves as we once were.

It seems to me at least that they discussed relationship success and clarified that there are relationships “disasters” who may stay together but unsuccessfully

They did bring up that some people stayed together unhappily. Likely those people if divorced could just get into another unhappy relationship. No one should ever stay in abusive relationships or where one person abuses drugs or alcohol or have issues they refuse to work on that constitute abuse.

@@marywiggins7411 yea but where is the part where they discuss the benefits of reflecting on the relationship and its impact on your life, and evaluating whether you might be better served by leaving it? It’s all skipped. The idea that people in unhappy relationships will just end up in another one may be true to some extent, I don’t know, but it seems to be used as a bludgeon to discourage people from leaving their relationship. It can get gaslighty victim blamey too. Imagine being psychologically and emotionally abused, and your marriage counselor tells you that if you leave your marriage, you’re just going to end up in another dysfunctional one? An abusive narcissist in marriage counseling would likely rejoice if their counselor started drawing upon gottman research, assured in the knowledge that saving the relationship, not mental health, is the top priority.

@@Cowface it appears that the point is to help people learn how to stay married and overcome the obstacles that lead to divorce where it is a matter of issues that are not those of extreme abuse. In extreme abuse there are very deep issues that require a whole lot more than just figuring out the needs of marriage communication. No one wants unhappiness, or downright misery.

@@marywiggins7411 the problem is, not all abuse is obvious and it doesn’t have to be extreme to be harmful. Is “just a little bit” of abuse ok? Furthermore abusers often excel at playing the victim, making it all but impossible for the other person to explain that there is abusive behavior going on. If there’s no violence, just a nonstop barrage of passive aggression, criticism, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation, they’ll have excuses for all of it. Next thing you know, you’re the bad guy for trying to make them look bad. And if you’ve been thoroughly gaslit about your expectations to be treated respectfully in a relationship, and abusive behavior has become normalized for you, you probably don’t have the wherewithal to defend against these attacks. Now, it’s the counselor’s job to figure all this out, and I’m not envious of a marriage counselor’s job. And gottman research could be like a tool in the toolkit, if they don’t think saving the marriage at all costs is the best move, they can use a different tool. It’s not the gottman’s fault that their work isn’t ideal for escaping an abusive relationship, anymore than it’s the hammer’s fault for being unable to screw in a screw. But the point is, abusers aren’t stupid. They know what they’re doing is harmful and they know how to hide it. They know how to make their victims look like abusers. A counselor who is effectively deceived by an abuser could very well end up enabling abusive behavior, and make it harder for the victim to escape.

I read a memoir where the author said after her first big breakup, she thought it was them. After the second, she thought it was her. Just not a relationship person. By the third she realized long-term relationships were just hard that required work. Sometimes it just takes awhile to figure life out. Which can be devastating with children and financially. Any insight to help making something work is something to consider.

ted talks are not about news. they're inspiring messages and this totally fits. I sure hope there are others doing this good work. they decided to communicate it through TED to spread the message to people who might not have heard it yet. (or TED heard about them before they heard about the guy you know, or there are other reasons.) in any case, even repetition helps.

The Gottmans have been doing this work for over 40 years. It's not a new thing for them.