Could This Be Why Your Parents Were Emotionally Unavailable? 

Jeannie is the perfect example of someone whose parents failed her but not only did she turn her life around but she forgave them.we could all learn something from her.

This is giving me “ it ok to continue the cycle” DONT HAVE KIDS IF YOU ARENT HEALED.

"It is their fault for hurting you, but it's your job to heal." - Jeannie Mai

'People love at their level of consciousness' this statement changed my life.

Loni nailed it. Just because you gave birth doesn't mean you're a parent. Sadly there are millions of people all over the world that were emotionally scarred as children. They are incapable of connecting to others emotionally.

I wish Jeannie was here for this topic. I’m sure she would’ve made an excellent point

When you choose to have children. It is your responsibility to do the best you can. The bloody best. No excuses. There are no excuses. Otherwise don’t have children. It’s not fair on them

I think it’s important for parents to acknowledge their children’s experience.

I get everything there saying but I feel like sometimes parents get a pass "because they didn't know any better" which I don't fault them for. The problem for me becomes when there is no accountability or responsibility and the things your telling them that hurt you keep being perpetuated.

Interesting how they placed the burden on the child to understand and creatively find ways to connect with the emotionally unavailable parent. I think that can be helpful advice to give to a 30 year old child but what of a 6 year old? A 13 year old? Love and emotional availability is actually one of the strongest factors of cognitive development for a child.

It’s ok to be “doing the best you can” and fail at times. But when parents refuse to take accountability for those mistakes, that’s the issue. And just like the women on this panel, so many of us are taking more accountability and giving more grace and understanding to our parents than what they give us.

"They're doing the best they can." For a lot of parents, yes. But sorry, there are A LOT of parents out there who are not doing the best they can. Emotional neglect/abuse is still neglect/abuse. Also, not every crappy parent went through a traumatic childhood. Some people are just mean. And not every parent that has past trauma is a bad parent. I feel like this whole discussion is a cop out and giving crappy parents an out.

I honestly feel like just like how people wait til their financially stable to have kids, you should wait until you’re emotionally ready. I just don’t understand why have kids if you’re just gonna be strict and mean all the time! That makes no sense to me. Tough love is necessary at times but when it comes to a point where your kids are traumatized or still feel a way about your parenting then you should care and try to be there emotionally

Jeannie always says " it is their fault for hurting you but it is your job to heal.".....well said Adrienne

So let me understand this, they're saying elder parents should be excused for toxic behaviour towards their kids because they may not have known & life was hard, but adults now can't be excused for that same attitude because their grown? And they should just get over it, when they're dealing with much of the same emotional unavailability as their parents? I can't with the double standard. Why can't we give that same grace to the children who were shaped in those same unhealthy environments?

I love that gracelle brought up the fact that we have soooo many tools now. Not that is wasn’t an excuse before, but certainly I don’t buy this “they doing the best they can” thing as a whole. You can’t expect kids to be 100% empathetic to a parent that’s cold and distant.

I feel like if you aren't emotionally ready to have children, then don't have children. Granted, we have more resources now but if I knew I wasn't emotionally stable for my children, I will hold off on having them. Children need love, affection, and safe space. If you as a parent can't provide that then don't continue to have children. I agree with the ladies that they did the best they could. However, don't shift the blame to the adults who hold on to that trauma. We recognize that we need to heal but we also just want our parents to acknowledge what they could've done better. I know it would give me a sense of closure.

My mother left when I was three and I was introduced to her when she came to see my father on his deathbed at 13 . When my father died she came to the funeral and I never saw her until I was 20 and now she is back in my life because she needs someone to look after her and a lot of people counsel me for not being there for her. I do give what I can but there's no bond between us. I feel shared experiences are what create strong relationships. I always turn to people who were there throughout my life in times of need. What she went through may explain her behavior but it doesn't justify not being there for her children. She sees herself as a trophy that I have to work hard to win and for me that not the competition I want to compete in. I have tried to close the gap between us but I have realized am just not capable. Statement such as a parent tried the best they could is not always right cause some don't even put an effort.

The idea that a parent is doing the best they can and has stuff going on to the point where they themselves cannot be there emotionally for their children further dismisses and desensitizes the child’s feelings by saying… well your parents are your parents and just because they are… doesn’t mean they aren’t… and I’m personally not into that ! Am I empathetic to that experience because you never know what parents are dealing with ? Yes ! Am I willing to look outside myself to understand that they can’t always be there when you need them ? Absolutely ! BUT it is also important to make time for things that are important… many parents do not have or take the time to really pay attention to their children ! Like when I look at these stats of children with depression & even going as far as committing… I just can’t help but think “ where were their parents” it doesn’t make you a bad parent for not being there but it sets up a tone where you also have to be held accountable cuz this is someone u have to love on unconstitutionally and care for not only til they’re 18 but for the rest of their life

I love what the ladies shared! The only point of view that was missing from this conversation is putting responsibility on the parent to get therapy and learn to be emotionally available.

Yeah. A lot people minimize childhood how it connects to adult life. That's how generational trauma works. People's unchecked or unhealed wounds can be passed through generations. It makes me frustrated at how people don't view that connection. I understand that you love your parents or guardians, but it doesn't mean that there's no issues. Loving them doesn't mean to ignore your pain or not acknowledging your issues with how you love & how you perceive it. When you know there's a problem & accept it, that's where healing begins.

This was a great discussion " it is their fault for hurting you, it's your job to heal from it". 💜💜💜

What I don’t understand why people continue to have children but don’t have or want to take the time to raise them. Children don’t have to be born.

There is a point where a parent needs to self examine especially if it’s clear their child wants them to be more loving. At some point if someone doesn’t want to get better or get therapy in order to be better for what they have brought into the world then it’s okay to just leave them where they are and work on yourself so you in turn do not become the same person.

At 2:58 Loni contradicts herself. She says that “at some point you become an adult” and you can’t use past trauma from your parents as an excuse for your behavior. However she says it’s valid for parents to use THEIR past trauma or experiences as an excuse for not being emotionally available for their children. If you are traumatized or have unresolved issues then DO NOT have children of your own. Once you have children it is your duty and responsibility to be there for them emotionally.

I often tell my husband that once we become parents that we will often self reflect on our parenting and learn to admit when we are wrong or don’t understand something. For me growing up anytime you said something that was the truth it was considered disrespectful, because children should be seen not heard. That’s something I don’t want for my children.

I disagree with Loni, you have to accept your parents where they are. When you stop trying to have the relationship that you dreamed of then you can start to build the healthiest version of a relationship that is possible. It is not the child's job to pick up the pieces the parent dropped. You will be miserable trying to change your parents and get them to be the parent you want and need. " I did my best is not an accuse. Alot of parents won't even admit to wrongdoing or take any ounce of accountability. I'd be curious to know how much Loni's Mom has apologized for her actions. I know Loni being from a certain generation, being black and coming from poverty oftentimes familial issues are swept under the rug.

I agree that we as adults have to heal ourselves and learn to forgive, in whatever way that brings you peace. But I totally disagree that if you are abused by a parent that there should be a time limit on how long that affects you. This notion of “you’re 50, get over it” is really belittling. IMO.

Personal story time: When I was younger I was sexually abuse by a family member. This family member was staying at our house at this time. When I told my mom she confronted him and he denied it and gave a different story of the event. My mom kicked him out. She never cursed him out or called the police. She would go on to say she dealt with it and it's over and i basically had to move on. Any time I brought it up because I was traumatized by it she said it was in the past and I needed to let it go. For a long long time I resented my mother for this. I felt she didn't do enough at the time and when I needed to talk about it she shut me down. She didn't even get me into therapy even when I went into a deep depression. I have now come to learn why. My mother was a victim of sexual abuse herself. She was raped by her step dad several times. She also grew up in a time where they did not talk about such things. So she was taught to bury her trauma and pain and she didn't know how to process that her own daughter had endured the same thing. It re- traumatized her when I would bring up my abuse. We have since talked it out over hours and hours of conversations and tears. I don't like how it was dealt with but I understand now why it was handled that way. I love my mom. I am happy we were able to talk it out and get to a good place in our relationship. (To this day neither of our abusers were held accountable for what they did but we have forgiven and move forward with our lives). **She just passed away a few months ago and I miss her so much.**

Adrienne’s so positive. Excellent way to look at it.

It took until age 45 before I realized that my Mom may not have loved me the way I NEEDED her to love me, but that doesn't mean she didn't love me with all she had within her. Once I understood that and stopped holding it against her, we became the best of friends. For five years, we were wonderful and I felt loved by her because I understood her more. When she passed away in 2020, I felt like I'd lost one of my best friends.

even if your parents weren’t emotionally available to you, it is fine to try to understand where they are coming from and why they are that way…but it does not erase what they did when they weren’t emotionally available…those things still happened to the child and if the child cannot connect with the parent anymore that’s okay too.

"It is their fault for hurting you but it is your job to heal yourself" WONDERFUL

Easy to make 'em, hard to raise 'em. Your parents are human just like you so they won't always get it right. At some point, you have to give them a little grace. And if they're toxic, then forgive, love them from a distance and/or move on. Learn from their mistakes so that you don't end up passing on their trauma to your kids. Generational traumas are real. Break the cycle.

After so many years of abuse and trauma my bio father and I have had a deep needed conversation about our relationship and we have come to a happy meeting place vs my mother is narcissistic still and finds me as her competition and compensation as to her lover of x amount of years left her for someone younger she thinks I owe her something when she hasn’t invested into our relationship I will not water into plants who want me dried out

This topic was not well addressed,,toxic emotionally unavailable narcissistic parents are pure evil they damage and they ruin our lives completely from a traumatic childhood to an even worse adulthood its something that stays with you forever and it's painful

This is a fear I have for my own kids: What if I haven’t healed by the time I’m supposed to be setting an example for my babies? Who are they going to look up to? It’s hard, understanding where you are in your healing but knowing what it’s not going to be enough for.

This conversation seemed to put everything on the child. The truth is that not all parents do the best they can. I wish they had talked about that.

Many people with mother/father wounds aren’t aware of them and aren’t consciously seeking a partner who are like their parents. It’s okay to give your parents grace, but it is also equally acceptable to set boundaries when they hurt or can’t show up for you. Everyone’s process and pain will not look the same.

This was horrible! So many parents are emotionally unavailable and that is abuse!!!!!! For many reasons and they are not trying their best!

Love when they mention Jeannie and love what she said

When you become a parent . ITS NOT ABOUT YOU. ITS ABOUT WHATS BEST FOR YOUR CHILD. Sorry if that sounds harsh but raising kids does require a lot of pressure. You , as a parent are the biggest physiological influence on your child. Go to therapy and heal your trauma or or don’t become a parent because you WILL bleed onto your children. Its not the child responsibility or even the adult child’s responsibility to form a healthy bond with their parent. That’s literally a parents job. This episode is so invalidating and gaslighting.

Wow lately these topics have been so enlightening. They definitely have been hitting home for me and my childhood trauma

Parents deserve grace but kids also deserve acknowledgment that they are sorry for the trauma they may have caused

Excellent advice! This was their best episode because so many people need healing.

My dad is 85 and he had 2 marriages, 10 kids and no clue. He tried though. He's apologetic and now I feel sorry for him. He was on survival mode. He's remorseful after he ignored an incident with my sister that broke us apart. As a dad I needed him and he decided to not get involved. My mum grew up on a farm and was just grateful not to be there. Both tried so hard to ensure that we got out of survival mode. We cannot undo them but try to undo ourselves for our kids.

I absolutely love this episode! TBH, I am a wife to a man who never had his mom in his life. She had two other children who are 8-10 years older than my husband & he sees that as she "didn't care enough to raise one more". It is very sad and heartbreaking to me as the wife because after my husband had to "pull the plug" from his father (almost a year ago) he became even more emotionally unavailable. His mother never talked to him about his father's passing or brung up any memories between the two. My husband is hurting not having that nurture figure (he"ll tell you otherwise, but as a wife I see it). As per my situation- My father was in my life to a certain extent. As a 26 year old female I can honestly say my father was never in my life. I agree with what Loni said, "not everyone can be a parent" and that hit home for me because I have a half sister who is 9 or 10 years older than me and she calls our father "dad". To me that's a whole other level for me. I used to be so upset with my father that I still call him father. When I speak to him I have never called him dad. When I speak to my brother I may say "dad" just because I am speaking about the man who is our father lol. Until two or maybe even three years ago I finally got the courage to ask my sister if "our father was in your (her) life more than mine?" She let me know that our father wasn't really there for her unless she needed something. It's hard to give love to a parent who just truly was never there for you. At some point the parent has to get over what they have been through as well to better raise their children. The children shouldn't be the ONLY ones growing up

My parents are great people but not great parents. But I’m learning it’s ok!

Is it me or does Loni not take a moment to acknowledge what others are saying? I feel like she listen to respond, not to understand /engage.

I was a very emotional child and my mother was a hardworking mother but very emotionally absent, never hugged us or told us she loved us ..and that was her upbringing as well. she grew up never talking about feelings and showing emotion was considered weak..well I later developed an anxiety disorder because I didn’t have a safe place to release emotion I didn’t learn to cope properly 🥺 I love my mom and I know she did the best she could but the children do end up suffering and paying the consequences. I now have 2 children and decided to raise them with lots of open dialogue, we talk about emotions and feelings and I tell my son it’s okay to cry and I let them know I’m so proud of them🙏🏽 breaking the cycle

Yes. We need to cut our parents some slack sometimes. How can they parent effectively when they weren’t parented effectively or faced other traumas that are unresolved. We need to remember that our parents are people too. They are still responsible for their behavior and should change where it needs to be made but we gotta offer a little grace too. They didn’t get a manual on our birthdays.

As a mom, I can relate. I was not raised by my parents. It hurt me and so while that was or is a trauma, I am trying to be the best parent I can be for my children so they don't have to struggle to heal like I have to. As a mom now I am genuinely realizing how hard parenting is and I find it easier to extend grace to my parents. We just have to live life the best we can.

Some parents are going through depression and not always be the parent they should be

Great topic!

Love this conversation, it’s crazy the traumatic overload we face and deal with due to our parents and their traumas , but as I gotten older I learned to accept whatever it is as it is and try to help them grow even at their ages !

I love that Adrienne referenced Jeannie

I’m trying really hard to break the cycle. Just like Garcelle said “seen and not heard”…. I’m trying to see and hear and understand my children

This is a needed subject of conversation. Mother’s and their sons, Father’s and their daughters and interchangeably.

This hits home!

What a dope ass convo!!! When are y’all opening up for audience?! I need a trip to cali ❤️

I think giving grace to your parents is essential. It’s essential because if you decide to have a family or if you already do. You know what you can better about a relationship based on experience. With that being said once it comes to the point where you are constantly “giving grace” to a parent where you find yourself having to apologize for the way they make you feel, step away. I’m learning still & it’s hard. At some point you have to realize the cycle of the relationship and break it. I agree with another comment saying generational curses are real. The way to do so is focus on the love you want so you can receive and give back.

Loved this segment!

I just realized this and was looking up the topic and y'all are talking about it.

It's easy to find the good in your parent when you've reached that level of maturation and have experienced life. You ladies unfortunately failed to mention the affect bad parenting or lack of parenting has on children in that moment. You can't just tell a child to find other people to parent you. There's also a huge responsibility on the person who decides to bring a child into this world to make it the best place possible for their budding child. Ps...Loni, daddy issues are a very real thing, just because you may feel like you don't have them doesn't dismiss the fact that there are women out here battling through their daddy issues. I do agree we have the responsibility to begin the healing process, but that usually happens during adulthood.

I’m more of Adrienne than anything else but I can totally relate to each one of these Women. Love this. ⭐️⭐️💜

Even though my great grandmother was an orphan she did everything she could to take care of her children. She had 10. My grandmother had 10 as well and she always showed her children and grandchildren so much love because she didn't get that from her own mother. Now that I have my own children I shower them with emotional and physical love. I tell them constantly how much I love them. My husband on the other hand wasn't shown the same type of love. It was more discipline and gift giving. So I've realized the difference in how our families show love. On my side of the family it's mostly words of affection and affirmation and hugs, his family is more giving (gifts, financial support). Nothing wrong with it, just different.

love that it is their fault for hurting you but it is your job to heal ah so beautiful

Hi there was an episode covering this on Everybody Loves Raymond. Excellently done

Wow. I was waiting for this topic. 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

“People do the best they can with what they have.” “People do what their capacity allows them to do.” As a future parent I will do whatever I can to be emotionally available for my children. If I could go back and talk to myself as a child, I would say your family is doing the best they can… your choices are up to you… if you want to feel love be love… if you want to be a shoulder be a shoulder… if you want to make people feel good for being themselves do that… do what you want to see in the world. Great topic, love the comments on this video.

I can relate my mom wasn’t emotionally involved and my dad.They both never told us they loved us but they did things that showed love to us. I remember even now every time we came home they would ask if we eat something and then my mom will cook and feed us so many things they did to show their love ❤️ and I love them to death

And that’s why you shouldn’t have kids, it’s a huge responsibility to raise a human being, and if you’re not emotionally, financially, or physically capable then don’t bring a child into this world!

Hi ladies of the real much ♥️♥️♥️

*Honestly, as the child of a baby/boomer I can tell you I have better chance of winning the lottery, than accountability. I found it easier to forgive, once I realized that they are people & not these invincible heroes that we think of as children. I can say healing only begins when apologies happen & that's why so many ppl are unhealed b/c they're waiting on apologies that will never happen. No offense but, millennial parents are the first to actually start & want change.*

So parents in their 50s who are emotionally unavailable get a pass for their behavior cuz they’re ‘doing their best’ and ‘don’t know better and only know how to love at their level of consciousness’ but their adult children aren’t allowed to reflect on what should have been done better? Pls 😒

Not every parents loves or cares about their children, so no child should feel obligated to love or honor them.

When wake up everyday to meet your basic needs it can be difficult to focus on emotional health.

I just love Mama Nelda🥰‼️Being a fan of “The real” since 2013, it’s funny because Adrienne is definitely like her Dad fr😹😹💙

I’m sorry but I somewhat disagree with this segment. Sometimes the best that you can do, is not enough, and you need to do better. There are a lot of adults that were never shown love and it shows. As a parent you are creating people that have to interact with the rest of society so it is IMPERATIVE that you raise your children right and love them so nobody else HAS to. On another note, I disagree with Adrienne wholeheartedly. No child under the age of 18 should EVER have to jump through hoops to find the love and affection from their parent that they need.

I love that Adrianne explain her parents because..I'm more like her mom with my children and my husband is more like her dad..and I didn't have neither of my parents so I am very affectionate with my children but I also allow me them to grow and learn as well

I wish it were easy for me to let of my resentment, but I feel comfortable with my wall. I know it’s not good because it makes my heart feel heavy, so many children honor and respect their parent, and I rather be left alone.

I’m Filipino & my mom shows she loves us by feeding us, buying us things, taking care of us, etc. But she never says “I love you” or says anything affectionate/emotional.

True, birthing a child doesn't make u a parent! Loni nailed it!👏👏💕

“You’re 50..STOP” Come through Loni🙌🏽❤️🙌🏽

I miss Lyte…she needs to be added to the roster.

I deal w childhood trauma, from my parents I am older now I get upset a lot, wonder if the feelings will ever go away. I am trying not to let it ruin me completely. No I have not spoken to them in 10 year I am learning to live w it and move on.

Parents are important. And should be respected. And loved. I for one am in my truth not others negative lies about me. I am a parent lover. I fight with my parents and all the people I love sometimes. Which is tough. But with the emotion of love it’s important to love.

Takes time to come to this realization

Missing jeannie for this topic, I would have loved to hear her share her wisdom

I understand all that but what I cant understand is they should try to do their best. Or nor have kids. Not everyone had a good childhood. Stop blaming your past and be a good parent

Loni!!! The shoes!! I need to know where?!?!? 🔥

They need to extend this to other type of dynamics. My mother still makes lies, won’t sit down to discuss xyz and tarnishes my name and spread lies to my siblings to turn them against one another made me loose job opportunities since 20yrs old Iv been patient to build, understand her, allow her / us to start again. NOPE. So I’m sorry I love her from a distance I’m much more focus, joyful graceful. When no contact is with her. I don’t have kids I’m 34 now. But def know what type of family I want how I will communicate and practice be open to listen and discuss with my future kids. No ones perfect everyone has a story but you don’t refuse to have the conversation with your kids and do blame games and CONTINUE TO SABOTAGE. Nope thank you. Not healthy.

I agree with some of these ladies said but that doesn't give an excuse for them to act the way they act. It's up to them to change for the better. Stop making excuses.

It was touched on at the end but I would love if they had a segment where they talked more in depth on women with “daddy issues” the idea of it being fixable is hard for some to understand

I get what Loni is saying but don’t have a child or children if you can’t be a good, safe place for them. I agree to eventually heal and let it go but don’t put your trauma on me as a child bc YOU haven’t healed. And that goes to our parents parents. Just don’t have children if you can’t be a healthy or at least trying space for them

Lonnie said at some point you have to stop using your parents as an excuse for the way you act. So at what point did our parents stop using the same excuse??

Beautiful dress loni

I think the issue is that societally we are told that we must procreate and we must be parents but a lot of these issues with children and parents happened because people were just having kids to have kids. There was no intentionality in raising the next generation and being better and having better tools. And so you have a ton of people that really shouldn’t be parents emotionally scarring their children because they felt that being a parent was the next step.

This is why I ain't got no kids PRAISE YA, JESUS 🙌🏿!!! Admire those that do the job, though.

The views stated here are a bit ignorant. If they properly looked into childhood trauma and healing, they wouldn’t be saying that the onus falls on the child to connect to the parent, have grace, etc (even if the child is now an adult). That feeling of onus can often come from having an anxious attachment to the parents, which was caused by the parent. Deeply rooted in the thought that if I don’t do this, then I won’t have their love. Or feeling responsible for the parent’s happiness. It’s not healthy. Not saying you shouldn’t have grace or that you shouldn’t try to connect… just that the onus shouldn’t fall on the kid.