Deb Chase That’s what she is. Trust me: I am recently out of a relationship with a narcissist who physically abused me. If it wasn’t for Dr Ramani and her lights on this matter, I am sure I would be chasing the narc for explanations, etc. She’s helped me get out of that miserable hole I was put in.
After Emotionally Detaching from my Mother and Sister and disregarding their opinions, I finally beat my 13 Year Battle with Depression. Coincidence? I think not.
YES! Everybody else had perfect children but poor her was cursed with me. She also complained to everybody about that all the time. And she still tells me she should've been meaner to me because then I'd appreciate her more. WTF?!
My dad and his mother were ALWAYS like that with me and my sister.... Ugh. Growing up with narcs prove to be pretty miserable childhoods. I'm just happy I don't have the disorder myself 😁 just...good 'ol BPD 😆😖 But it's getting better. And at least I'm able to be self aware and recognize and change any of my maladaptive behaviours.
I just want us to be mindful that there are people watching these videos who are identifying themselves as narcissist for maybe the first time in their lives, and I think its important to make this a space that welcomes them too. I don't want this to be an 'anti-narcissism'/ 'narcissism bashing' space, for they are a part of our 'whole', and as we are learning from these videos, share the same kind of wounds that those of us who have been hurt by narcissists have, just expressed differently.
Many of us have had the most horrific childhoods, but we keep looking for the positive, beautiful things about life. Our resilience makes them hate us even more.
One thing....”There is no way to manage the Covert Narcissist! I tried for 32 years.” Best answer, from what I can tell is to “ESCAPE, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!”. 😫
So, here we have a therapist (who has probably a loooot of stuff to do, especially in times like these) who now posts videos of this length within a few hours. This is one of the underrated and unnamed heroes, folks. This is one of the underrated and unnamed heroes.
My father has these tendencies, but masks them with a persona of kindness. Yet ANY time I try to share a success with him, he 1) doesn't really ask follow up questions and 2) turns the conversation to himself. He feels that his professional background is similar to mine, so he says things like "well, it was never important to me to publish a book," or "I never really wanted to speak at conferences." It's subtle but so devaluing. My cousin says her mom (his sister) does the exact same thing.
Mine has become the same the better I’ve done in life - the issue with communicating with a parent like this is that when you start to share less with them as a result of their invalidation, they will blame you for cutting them out so you are criticised and screwed either way. Work on your self-worth and build yourself up to be unstoppable 👍 Don’t expect anything from them and live your best life!
@@Catherine_Kate hi Cathy, oh who cares what they think, avoid those who throw you daggers instead of claps! Me too! More time for yourself, enjoy, too much hussle bustle makes one nuts!
I had had a similar exp., though not exactly the same. When I had been halfway through Dr. Les Carter's 20 Characteristics of a Narc., I had become so incredibly nauseated that I had had to take a break, because he had been describing my mother to a 'T'! OMG! And, he had been using incredibly specific terms and descriptions of her behaviors that I had identified. I had been AMAZED!!! And, STILL, every single video on Narc's, esp. Covert Narc's, never fails to identify multiple key characteristics of her extremely dysfunctional and abusive behavior and/or her skewed perception of life.
Wow I noticed today that I lost the feeling of guilt finally. I left my hometown and family 8 years ago, and now I don't have this constant guilt anymore. I didn't see the correlation first but that's probably because I left and lived on my own the past 8 years.
My covert narcissistic mom wasn't after money or lazy at work. Her issue was abandonment. She wants her children to depend on her forever. Her primary weapon, is destroying people's self-esteem through insult. Insults that were often delivered by proxy. I've yet to hear anyone talk about something like that.
My mother is overt -narcissist and one of my sister is covert narcissist. Covert narcissist is harder to deal with. Overt are predictable. It would be hard for you when she get old and have to take care of her.
Living with my mom felt like a swamp; I couldn’t understand why nothing good is happening. I blamed my country and environment. I got lucky to meet my husband and move to another country. It took a while to realize what means to feel free from one’s judgments. When I went to school to pursue my degree in foreign language, it was not easy because I went into medical field. I remember I got an A on the test, one of the few in the class. I told my mom; I was so excited. Her response was “Ok, how is the weather out there?” Crickets… I still have hard time to contemplate she is a covert narc… and with age it is getting worse.
When I told my Mother I was going to build and open my own hair salon she said "well that sounds like a lot of work". I didn't understand her narssism and for the 1st 2 years I would often completely rearrange the salon and it finally dawned on me I was trying to make it perfect so she would walk in one day and tell me how proud she was of me. I was looking so hard for her approval. She never once walked into the salon. Looking back, the week I opened the salon she took a road trip out west and sent me pictures of her trip and never once asked how I was doing. After bringing up my feelings to her it completely backfired with her hostility and now we are no contact. Thank you Dr. Ramani for helping me understand covert narssisits.
Rachel; This is my mom too! I had to go no contact! You are nothing but a pawn to them to use for supply. Who needs a mother that competes with you and is secretly envious to the point that they will sabotage you, their own child?
Omg it’s freaky how similar this story sounds. I talked to my mom about wanting to open my own hair salon too. She would always say “I’ve always wanted to open up my own shop” but I swear I’d never heard her talk about that a day in my life until I told her about that...
Omg this is soooo my mom. She was complaining because I was a stay at home mom ... Then I got a job, but I work from home and she said "why don't you get a real job?" Arghhhhh she is never, EVER, satisfied. And she likes my brother better because he's a suck up and give her compliments all the time and I'm not like that. I never felt she was proud of me.
@@divineliyah5037 I told my mom I wanted to write a book and then suddenly it was all about her and how she had written some poem or story about this little girl she was babysitting and maybe she would get it published 🙄 which of course is a double whammy bc she was trying to say she was great at writing but also implying she wrote about this other little girl who was so special but she had never written anything about me, her only daughter. That was the minute I stopped sharing my dreams with my mom.
It really sucks because it intensifies even more after every failure you have, even if it worked out for the better. I dropped out of college because it wasn't going anywhere for me and didn't make financial sense to continue, I'm glad I did but I can always hear the narcissistic voice in my head saying "it's because you're stupid and lazy you left school" even though I'm neither one of those things. I'm very physically fit and most of my free time is dedicated to reading medical studies, psychological analyses, and nutrition science for fun but nope, none of that matters to a narc because of one perceived slip up you did. Screw 'em. If they were so damn smart and superior they could figure out how to fix their narcissism lol
I don't feel inadequate but am too quick to snap when someone tries to feed me shit sauce, I'm just sticking up for myself but it sure leaves me steaming....
T___T my family members are various types of narcs...I've been trying to figure out why I always felt I was never enough/I don't deserve x, y, z . My self-esteem is not good even though my friends think that I am one of the more positive people they know - I do try to make the most out of everything but I constantly feel the swings of guilt, helplessness and exhaustion (context: only family member with a degree, daughter in an asian immigrant family; so there's that filial piety layer to all this). I feel like I'm on a sinking ship. I really want to move out but working in an arts non-profit organization makes it financially challenging where I live.
What makes things really confusing is when you are simultaneously a scapegoat and a golden child because you have good grades and don't get in trouble, but also recognize their toxicity and share that with others, which they perceive as demonizing them.
Ahh, you understand my trouble precisely. That switch between scapegoat and golden child is frustrating and it's really hard to understand as a teenager and young adult. I just thought every parent was like that. I should've known that it's not normal for a mother to call her child a whore daily, every time she talks about a male friend or love-interest at age 14. At 19 I understood that jealousy-thing that my covert narc-mom has better, but still didn't know it was narcissism. I'm turning 32 this year. Figured it was narcissism at 28. Today I understand the complete story. I'm an only child of a Hypochondriac narc-dad and a covert narc-mom.
@noobenstein im gonna have to respectfully disagree... 1st wave feminism just wanted equal rights for men and women. I think youre referring to 3rd wave feminism, which is a shit show.
I feel you. “Will I ever be Good Enough?” By Dr. Karyl McBride, Ph.D, is a great read if you are looking into healing. We definitely inherit narcissistic traits from our narc parents, who doesn’t!! But being aware is the first step for recovery. I immensely recommend you this book, I hope it will help you as much as it is helping me
My covert narcissist has a diagnosis of anxiety and depression, but never goes to therapy. Only goes to the psychiatrist takes the pill and never goes back again.
If they do go to therapy, they change doctors frequently. Usually when the doc starts to figure out what’s really going on or points out maladaptive behaviors.
OMG! Three minutes into Dr. Ramani's video, I've had to pause and walk away. She's talking about my covert narcissist mother...OMG...that's my "momster". I'm going to have to listen to this one in small chunks. I am 63 and have been researching and studying for over ten years to find an explanation for answers to my nightmare of a life. I now have my answers and can begin the process of healing and waking up from my nightmare. Thank you, Dr. Ramani and may God Bless you for all you do.
Sassy, yes, I went through the same thing, it was months before I could watch/listen to a whole video. Just take it slow. But, also balance it out with positive stuff - you want your brain to be focused on good things, and reprogram your mind to be positive. Good luck.
I feel a bit cynical today so here's a joke: What's the difference between a narcissist and God? God knows everything; the narcissist knows everything better.
When you’re in a relationship and feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time or consistently/constantly asking or wondering “are you okay? Are you upset? What’s wrong?”
This is literally what I've been doing. Constantly asking if everything is ok or if they are upset with me. I'm exhausted. I have no where to go and I've been isolated.
My dad would say this to me, I was only a child... now I understand he didn’t know how to handle his own emotions, never taught me, then treated me like I was the problem lmfao. I was the monster 🧟♀️
Great content! The “Covert Narcissist” are very difficult to identify in counseling and therapy sessions. They camouflage their behavior extremely well. I have been to “dozens and dozens” of counselors and therapist throughout my 32 years of marriage, not one figured out the true condition of my relationship. The sessions ended up being focused on me when I got overwhelmed emotionally after being gaslighted by my ex for long spells; forcing me into therapy. I looked like the crazy one, ended up being moody, depressed, emotionally exhausted and so on; ended up losing control of my emotions at times. Your description here seems to fit my behavior after being exposed to the covert narcissist’s daily routines....I’m confused again, even though I know the truth now. Most therapist, counselors and doctors are not prepared to address this type of narcissist. They typically end up re-traumatizing the non-narcissist; I know this from experience. I constantly ended up walking away from 45 minute therapy sessions, feeling bewildered, and always asking “What just happened?” I would leave therapy feeling worse off; going in circles from one rabbit hole to the next...a perpetual journey in “Alice In Wonderland Nightmare.” The medical world needs to take this more seriously; the legal system, also. I got burnt financially; escaping my ex. (At least my “migraine headaches” are gone; they were routine for years while I was with her.😉)
Free Bird i have heard your behaviour described as Narcissistic Fleas or Reactive Abuse - the difference is - we can change and grow out of that behavior, the narcissist remains stuck their entire life, repeating the same dysfunctional patterns over and over - til the day they die. My mother is 83 and has had this same dark personality my entire life (i'm 51).
Oh my goodness, YOU TOO!!! Yes, yes, yes!!! I went through therapy with 3 different therapists. And my soon to be ex, always, 100% of the time, made me look like the unstable fruitcake 🥴 It was so frustrating how manipulative he was with the therapist. 🤦♀️ I understand you walking out!! I did that twice. The covert narssasitic behavior is so embedded in their "normal" that no one sees the manipulation in short hour long session. Hell it took me years to see what he truly is. He is a master at lying, and being calm turning me into the lunatic for reacting to the button pushing. I am so glad you got out. Many blessings to you. Happiest is the best feeling at the end of the suffering that I look forward too. I am just started my divorce process. I have file my response. Should be no surprise to you that he is asking to keep the house, his pension, retirement, our 15 year old daughter, have me pay child support and "walk away" from a 26 year marriage because "I couldn't tough it out" I have a feeling I am in for a tornado of a fight. Take care.
@Valerie Ronquillo I do not know if you received this message from me. I did not tag it properly. I hope all is going well for you. Be strong and stay true to your self.🤔 Here’s the message I sent below: Hi! I’m sorry that you are going through this experience. The divorce cycle from a narcissist is a very maddening experience of its own. Suggest you find a lawyer who is experienced in dealing with these types of people. I found one who kept me out of the court room. It was difficult, but I was glad he did so. The gaslighting does not stop. I had to learn to breath and breath while holding my tongue. My lawyer worked to minimize the financial bleeding, while my ex wanted to waste every dime I had for a divorce that could have just cost less than $500. She did not care; all that mattered for her was to win. Also find a psychologist or counselor who is familiar with trauma bonds or Stockholm Syndrome; meet with him or her regularly during your ordeal. I went once a week for a year and a half, until my divorce was completed. I’m glad I did this for myself. Also keep listening to the many wonderful RU-vid videos, such as Lisa Romano, Michele Lee Nieve (Surviving To Thriving) and Melanie Tonia Evans. Be patient and strive not to get dragged into word salad games with a narcissist. The courts do not recognize this disorder at all. All that matters is what is legal and what the State allows. I kept going for no fault with 50-50 financial split. She kept going for the jugular. She caused us to waste $50K from start to finish....madness. Its over now; going on 6 months now. I’m free!😀🐥. Keep your cool, stay calm and carry bright furry “Pink, Green, Yellow and Blue Teddy Bears” around for comfort and to see the humor in what does not make sense; I did, very therapeutic.😉😉😉 and I still have them. Keep your chin up. Thanks for sharing.👍🏾
Omg, this is so spot on. I never tell my mother anything, due to this. She only wants to hear if I do badly. How terrible is that? If I succeed in something, she turns the attention on herself and never asks anything. She even undermines me clearly stating things like ”Why would any adult human being want to receive advice from a young girl like you?” undermining my success and the hard work I have had to do to get where I am now. Now I just use ”gray stone” method on her and never tell her anything. ”I am okey. Nothing interesting here.” Works well. Also being very unsympatetic works - it is totally against my nature but only way I get to end the phone call in under 15minutes.
If there is more sisters in the mix; it can be petting each one against the other or worse, showing the emotional validation to those who mirror her condition/state so feelings are justifiable due to their dependency... I feel you there 💜- Dr Ramnai’s channel helped me get a lot of answers.. and end a painful and confusion cycle where I was trying to find meaning to all of this .. Wish u all the best 🙏🏻
From which planet you people are? How you can talk so bad about your parents!? Shame on you! I would like to know about how you raise your own children, are they really good with you
Tough to deal with. At least for a while it really can be. ...For me I needed to totally give up on my emotionally abusive father. Finally writing him off as a crappy person did the trick! It was wonderful. Seemed to resolve that aching need of my Inner Child to somehow at long last win his approval. And it also got me away from his messed up mind games, that were about giving me doses of attention and seemingly normal concern, just enough to pull me back in an set me up for the next attack on my self worth. ...No. No more. This time I never second guessed my own instincts and feelings. I did not fall for his BS in questioning my self, giving him the benefit of the doubt, which he NEVER deserved and only ever jumped all over in order to take advantage...because that's what his type do. This time I knew he was rotten, and was not going to allow him to cause me to doubt my self. ...When I think about the bins he had me in, it is horrid. A true form of cruel bondage. Slavery if the soul. Giving up on wanting a good parent was a revelation for me. Writing him off was miraculous. His reaction was to become full of rage and at one point even threaten violence!!!!!! Other times he kept trying to portray me as antagonist, when he was doing all the aggression. ... Eventually he gave up. What a win for me!! How validating, too! That I had made the right decision and trusted my gut instead of betraying it like my family had trained me to. Recently he has actually started treating me well!!! Shocking as it is. It is partly to do with his needing me, and is likewise self serving of course in motive. The rest though, is ironically because he has some respect for me. ....This is a perverse and twisted aspect of Narcissistic people, in that if you do as they say they just treat you even worse. The trick is to be certain that they are full of crap and that you should totally write off their opinion. For their own good as well as one's own. They are so lacking in integrity and have no back bone to do what is actually needed in life. They are like kids who just criticise but never do right what they criticise others for themselves. Total hypocrites with whom it is imperative that one learns to block out as a rule. Bad people absolutely exist. As to adult child beats who you have to be truly tough with or they WILL absolutely take advantage.
@@ladyofnoxus6733 maybe they are just sufferers who tend to be like that ..Its just how there brain is wired....Its not what they choose to be. I Can say it bcoz i think i am 17 yo covert narcissist I dont know why everybody blame them for who they are And not everyone is manipulative Covert narcissist are most likely to be sad with their depression And you are saying me they are worse.......
They might be the worst out of all the abusers. My mom is a covert. Took me 25 years to realize wtf was going on, 2 years later I still gaslight myself about it all the time. She was able to charm every professional that became involved(therapists, CPS, etc) and get them all to join in on putting all the blame on me. Some of my earliest memories are things like that happening in extremely subtle ways. Towards the end she hardly had to do anything, I was trained to abuse myself. It’s sick. I remember a few times growing up, I was maybe 13/14, and had a few moments of clarity that something was wrong. Therapists would be like “you have such a good mom, she feeds you, brings you to therapy, she never hits you, right?” And I’d say “I wish she would just hit me, then I’d realize what was going on”. My feelings haven’t changed. I’d take obvious abuse over psychological, crazy making abuse any day. My dad was physically abusive and I’ve always known he was bad, I wish it had been the same with my covert mom.
Something I noticed... similarities between covert narcissitic tendencies and someone with PTSD/CPTSD from narcissistic abuse. I used to be so positive and optimistic, but that light within me has dimmed.
This is my concern with people rushing to label others, as well - the traits of CPTSD cause so often and have historically been cause to really traumatized people to be diagnosed incorrectly, some are told they are bPD when in fact it’s the lesser understood CPTSD.
"Of course you’re doing great at school, it's because you aren't growing up in the absolutely awful way I had to grow up" when I tell you my chin hit my chest... This EXACT sentence was thrown at me whenever I suceeded at anything.
Thank you for this Dr. Ramani, it's so hard to hear these truths but absolutely necessary if we want to heal. My stereotypical Asian mother who pushed me through childhood to be a doctor or a lawyer so I can take care of her ended up shaming and accusing my of being arrogant when I actually considered both paths in university. I also had dated a guy who was in his residency to become a hand surgeon and when she found out she said "You're reaching far out of your league aren't you little girl?". I ended up moving out of state to go to nursing school and she decided to ghost me for over a year. I chased after her like a lovesick puppy until I finally just gave up when she ghosted me again because I refused to live life my way and be the person she demands me to be. Healing now, slowly but surely, and I've never felt more free and wholeheartedly happy to embrace the person that I am.
I totally understand. I went through this with my mother too. After 2 years of no contact, She reached out to me during quarantine, playing the victim card, and even blamed the whole situation on me, and tried to make me feel guilty. But it's been 2 looong years, i had the chance to reflet On our relationship. I thought i couldn't live without her support and appreciation..and It really hurts to realize that you can't trust your mother.. but It was so satisfying and liberating to notice the way She still try to devalue me, and realizing that I can now handle this by not expecting anything from her anymore. I Just don't value her words or opinions as i used to. Give yourself the love and respect you deserve First, and don't let people put you down. Following your Heart Will Be the best thing to do.. and if It takes you far away from these kind of people, even Better!
Me too, hope she rots away..... She's in detox at the hospital 🏥, onto long term care, I dread going to see her one more time but must put on a show for the staff and family, think I'll just pop in her room to use her can, she's 2 provinces away, all her doing!
I am so sorry this was your mother. You are living proof that narc's don't have to become narcs because of their parents. We don't get to pick our parents but that doesn't mean we aren't great ppl and deserve love. 💝
I was just wondering, as an Asian myself, if this is nature or nurture since it's so ingrained in our culture. So many people I know from my demographic have parents who display many of these traits. The Confucian values of filial piety have largely shaped our views on the parent child relationship and while well-intentioned, the ways they manifest can become very toxic. I wonder if covert narcissism can be passed on genetically or culturally?
My mother was like this. That's why I self sabotaged myself when it was time to finish college I never wanted to go anyways. I wanted to go to get away from my family...
We're like Titanic survivors and all the money in the world can't save you, your love of learning, what's what with this picture is what saved you, pass it on, NS needs help, too many victims too little time! Thanks for your feed back!
Mark Tansell; learn all you can about covert abuse. This way you will recognize the signs early! They always love bomb you in the beginning. Then the games begin and they start to work on eroding your self-esteem. Narcs love to devalue others because it makes them feel Superior. Remember that confusion is the first red flag.
You said it may take a mental health professional "a few months" to identify it as covert narcissism. I think many psychologists and therapists never diagnose the disorder. One very experienced therapist I saw for over a year said he wasn't familiar with the term covert narcissism!
My dad did everything you mentioned, Dr Ramani. The harder I tried to seek his approval, the more hatred he displayed. No accomplishment was ever good enough. Instead, he’d deliberately undermine and insult everything I did to burst my bubble. Family members and friends took his side because he loved to throw in his heart condition to milk their sympathy and they’d constantly advise me to not disappoint him. I never understood why I was never enough although I did everything he emotionally blackmailed me into doing.
Yes, but when it's your own life, health, career, and sanity at stake they will portray you as "lying," "exaggerating," or "attention-seeking" even when you have documentation to validate your concerns. Then their flying monkeys treat you like your are a stupid idiot who doesn't know what they are talking about.
Especially if you are a small female with mental health issues related to their abuse. And there are psychology studies that show that the nicer you are, the more likely people are to think that you are also stupid. So then you have multiple strikes against you that are to the narc and their flying monkeys' advantage.
Leticia Oberley, I agree. You become the weakest link in their dirty games. You can’t even stand up to them and fight back when you are the child and they are the adults.
Both types of narcissists, cover and overt, want to instill guilt in someone, but at bottom both have as their ultimate objective a demonstration of superiority, and further, the ruination and misery of their victims. It's part of their attitude of self-righteous arrogance. But they do it in different ways. The covert narcissist instills guilt by playing the victim. The overt narcissist instills guilt by expressing his or her superiority in different, but very direct ways. But the covert's objective is not just guilt, but also one to show superiority as well. This is the main difference between the two and what makes the covert's behavior more secretive and hidden. It's an agenda of superiority but it is hidden in these compartments. But every narcissist is destructive and that is really achieved through the victim's misery. And this is where the narcissist is actually consistent at bottom with the psychopath. They can't stand it when people, especially empaths, are happy.
In my sixties, I am still affected by being “groomed” by my covert narc, mother. I was a single mom, she made sure, she “helped” me, made herself, invaluable to my son, who worshipped her, while damaging my relationship with him forever. It’s evil and insidious.
Had a covert co-worker - he liked to pretend he was the manager but he never took accountability, he just wanted the power. Everyone else was wrong, in his eyes. Management was too scared to do anything to rein him in, while the rest of the team (blind to narcissism) thought he was just fabulous. I stood up to him but got no support from management or the team, so I quit - my mental health is not worth that. Luckily I could bounce easily into another job that I had lined up before I quit.
I am reading “Don’t you know who I am!!” Dr. Ramani has written a masterpiece. It is the most crucial book of our time, in my opinion. I agree with the comment “Who needs Netflix when you have Dr. Ramani.”
One of the hardest part of my recovery was realizing that my mom probably experienced trauma at a young age, and that still isn't an excuse for how she treated me. Hurt people hurt people.
I think it's important to distinguish excuse and reason. childhood trauma explains why parents hurt their kids, but as soon as they use it as an excuse and therefor make it seem 'okay'- that's where the danger lies, in my layman opinion.
If you display confidence around a Covert Narcissist they accuse you of being full of yourself. They confuse (or twist) healthy self-esteem into arrogance, and use that as another way to shame you.
I feel this so much, especially the jealousy and sulleness. When I was 18, I had the best pianistic performance of my life, playing a movement of a piano concerto with our local symphony in my hometown. I was glowing w the ecstacy of absolutely rocking a piece I'd been practicing my heart out on for 9 months and felt so loved by my teacher and the conductor. I couldn't get away from the reception afterwards if I wanted to, just because I had so many people who wanted to congratulate and talk to me. It felt so good. For about the length of the car ride home, my dad praised my performance but then as soon as we got back home, he quickly began to cut me to ribbons for being arrogant and full of myself and turned the conversation back to his ranting for an hour. It was absolutely demoralizing and made me want to cry. It took me 6 years to get away from home after that, but once I did, I hardly looked back. Been no contact for 4 years now.
My ex still treats ME that way! I graduate college this week at age 48, and he keeps commenting how long it has taken me. Obviously, I raised the kids, and he sabatoged my "self," and even tried sending flying monkeys...kids said he told them I was in school for 6 years...only 4. Onto my master's in July! The best revenge is success! Not why I am doing it hahha I got temporary custody of 13 year old twins in March and court trial is in July due to abuse and alcoholism. It has taken so much documentation. He continues to harrass me with knowing judge will have opportunity to read every text. Narcissism should be my thesis for my master's lol Is that a possible option? I would love to learn all I can and go onto help others like you are. Thank you Dr. Ramani! 😍
Congrats and all the best in court. I'm in my forties, changing career and will go to grad school next year too. Happy and successful journey in your pursuit!
I view them as they are so self center and they want us to focus on them all the time. They do not like it when I put my needs first. Thanks again for those videos.
My mother was mad at me because I had a migraine and couldn't go at my brother's birthday he planned 2 days in advance.... She stopped talking to me for days and then just sent me a random gif on messenger like nothing happened. I didn't answer. Then she asked if I wanted to go swim at her house and I said, I'll see and she goes "I was wondering why you weren't talking to me I thought you were mad!" And I said " I was " and she didnt say nothing after ...
I wish I had found out all this 10 years ago. A decade of self destruction will take many years to get back on track with permanent scars and many lost opportunities. Still glad to find you in my mid thirties and wish to have a wonderful life ahead.
Hey Nisha! I'm 33 and my life has had a pretty similar trajectory. The past 14-15 years of my life have been all about self-sabotage in every aspect of my life. A complete shitshow. Had I known about narcissism back then, things probably wouldn't have gotten as bad as they did. I had no idea why I was doing the things I was doing. Both my parents are covert narcissists. I have also had covert narc friends and exes. I seem to be a magnet for narcissists. I don't know if we can ever completely heal from the damage caused, but if we can heal enough to get to a place where we're comfortable with ourselves and not beating ourselves up, I think that would be just fine. You're not alone. I wish you the best in your healing journey.
At the risk of being a covert narc (turning it to ME), kudos for getting clarity now and "only" wasting a decade: I didn't figure it all out until 48 and arguably THREE wasted decades.
There are people who undermined you and now that you have made something out of yourself, they can't bring themselves to acknowledge your success, they will never congratulate you or share in your joy. There is always a dark energy feeling whenever you are around them. Keep believing in yourself!
One of the saddest parts of narcissism, aside from literally everything else it encompasses and taints, is that the narcissist creates more narcissists just by being their abusive selves. Is empathy genetic? Or could that child have been a normal, healthy, loving person genuinely had they not been raised in a narcissistic environment? It makes my soul eternally weep.
It's scary how my father and sister are both like this. At first, I thought it was depression or mood disorders but your description of covert narcissists are dead on! Thanks again for sharing Dr. Ramani
You are so right in your description of a parent covert narcissist. When I shared that my mother was jealous of me, everybody jumped on me saying how that something like that is not possible. All mothers love their children. So, I got gaslighted.
Having a narcissist parent can create another generation of narcs, and I see this now with my bro...our dad had no doubt an even worse dad and it seems learned behavior gets passed down(?). = sad! Also, I wonder how much a developing baby in mother's womb can be affected, from the stress the mother endures due to a chronically angry narc dad ? Thank You Doctor Ramani for such valuable lessons into the human psyche!
@wchiwink I a from a family, where my mom is a covert narcissist. We are 5 relatives struggling with anxiety, depression, eating disorders and maybe my brother is bpd. We aren't narcissists, I guess we are lucky?
Thank you for this. You are lifting up so many of us. I can’t thank you enough. It is all clicking. I realize now I’ve been dealing with varying aspects of narcissism my entire life.
Dr. Ramani your saving lives one video at a time, I'm very thankful..part1 was groundbreaking for me. it's a difficult time right now..I find comfort and understanding here *Thank You* Have a beautiful day.
Muy mother was convert and grandiose and alcohólic and hit me insult me allow Her father to sexually abuse me invalidate me gaslight me made smear campaigns in my school. And I was always in the roll of honour in my school and I got a degree with honours. That made her look good. Then... Because of that I made wrong choices, almost lost my life in the hands of a psycopat. Now ay 53 with 4 children we are still recovering of that evil. Thank you.
My mind refuses to accept that my parents were narcissistic and I did actually experience narcissistic abuse. But my heart screams in pain for me to finally love myself and rescue me
You owe it to yourself to finally be at peace by accepting it and acting accordingly. I had to do the same thing and I will tell you that it’s LIBERATING !!
When I graduated from highschool, my mom started crying at the end of the ceremony, but it wasn't because she was happy for me, but because she said her husband (my dad) was away on a foreign country for work. Of course we all had to focus on her, console her and completely forget about my graduation.
You have described my ex husband to the tee.He lost every job he ever held due to his covert narcissism.We were married for Almost 25 years and I tried everything but until I started watching your videos and many others I thought it was me.Now ,I realize it wasn't me. Much happier now and almost 2 years after we split and divorced yesterday I am still trying to heal,buty life is content and I now know I Can pick up the pieces and live again
Dr Ramani's talks on covert narcissism were really validating for me. I have never heard a more detailed, accurate description of this pathology that I could relate to as an adult child of toxic parenting.
my covert narc mom is the main reason why i have anxiety, depression, and self doubt. when i graduated from college she referred to my degree as a “certificate or whatever.” two weeks after i graduated she said i was a failure for not having a high paying job. my brother did not work for two years after he got his degree and when he did get a job it was at our local grocery store. not once did she call him a failure. she would constantly compare me to my siblings and her friend’s children. they are much older than me and made more because they had more experience. she told me i had to apply for 30 jobs a day or i was not working hard enough.
I have never heard anyone speak aloud the exact lyrics of my childhood so descriptively...tapped into a very deep place. I cannot thank Dr. Ramani enough!
Yes yes yes! My mother is definitely this! Now that I’m 55 and I’ve successfully walked away finally (2years) I’m much happier! You must know that I actually have degrees in psychology, sociology and criminal justice... but yet I was to close... now I know none of her behavior had nothing to do with me .. she owned all of that! My little sister was the golden child and I was her scapegoat and whipping post ... the bad child ... still had nothing to do with me ! I mean I still have my friends from the third grade! It was never me...now I’m good and also help others through domestic violence and survivors of narcissist relationships! I love myself and my life ... NOW!
I always thought it was her OCD, Anxiety and Neuroticism from an abusive and traumatic childhood. I felt I could remedy the situation but through years I got exhausted emotionally. The life was sucked out of me almost to a point I did not want to live. I ended the marriage quickly and slowly my happiness and confidence is coming back. Thank You Dr. Ramani. You have been able to put together the pieces of the toxic jigsaw puzzle that I tolerated for so many years. I'm not perfect but I know now it was not me.
Wow your opening 2 sentences. That's my ex wife. I tried to get out 3 times and got hoovered, then she binned me for a new supply when someone appeared. Vile piece of shit
@@graemehindshaw4221 I hear you. I broke up with mine 3 times before marriage because of her manipulative behavior and family of origin(toxic father & enabling mother). After the 3rd time we did not see each other for 2 years. I got sucked right into it because I was at a vulnerable stage and married. 3 points I must make to you and others. 1. Listen to you gut!!! I mean truly listen. 2. Leopards don’t change their spots..they just do a better job hiding them. 3. Don’t lie to yourself (cognitive dissidence)You can’t change anybody’s toxic core. It won’t get better. Pay attention to the parents behavior because the Apple does not fall far from the tree.
@@curtiskd8776 I'm with a proper person now, not a narc. What a difference, we have discussions not arguments for a start! Saw the ex last week, called her an 'old slag' in public, because I knew she'd hate it. Great fun 😆
@@graemehindshaw4221 glad to see you’re doing well. Reflecting back based on your last comment, it is healthy to have a partner that is direct and not confrontational. I recall a lot of confrontations before, during and after my marriage with my ex. Since then I had a long relationship with a healthy women who talked about her concerns rather that projecting and yelling. What a difference. Also, sometimes and unavoidable in a relationship, yelling at your partner is a sign of weakness. My ex thought confrontation was healthy based on her childhood experiences. I do recall her saying that to me on several occasions. It did not make sense to me.
Don't let their criticism hurt you, it stems from their deeply engraved insecurity and sense of lack and lack of trust in one's own's self and abilities.
Holy crap. My mom had so many problems with her co-workers. And I've gotten kind of bad in the last few years before I started to discover the truth about my childhood. Thankfully I've changed for the better but man, I had one foot in the door to becoming a covert narcissist myself. It's a dark place where reality is never real. Dr. Ramani, thank you for all that you do.
Wow. Doc sounds like you know my mother personally. You guys been chatting? You nailed this one on this behavior! Nailed it! My mother, I remember this as a teenager, was/is/always has been superficially obsessed. Namely when it comes to food, calories, and standing in front of mirror. I have kept old journals from my middle school years, it clearly was a screwed up competition and she set me up, on a golden platter for an eating disorder. As young as 11, surprise to me too (but found in re-reading journals from all those years ago), that young, even as a competitive athlete, I was writing down, on a daily basis, at 11, my weight in the morning, afternoon, and evening. Her focus on her body, clearly made its impression upon me; as I got the message that body appearance, weight, etc. were essential for attractiveness and was of the utmost important. Luckily, my father caught wind of my weight hypervigilence, and he took me to pediatrician for my yearly physical to be cleared to play soccer. He made the doctor show me that my height was in 90th percentile, and my weight was in the 10th percentile. The doctor told me if I didn't level those numbers out, he would NOT clear me to play soccer. That was the first moment I realized how scrambled and confused my mind was; and, how serious my restricting food behavior was. I was 110, at 5'8. Though I had to work through, on my own, in therapy, to get past all the issues behind eating disorders, acting out bx, and working through the difficult emotions. To date, I have been free from even having a scale in my house for 20 years. Weight is not validation. We are all more than a number. I am fortunate to have had a father, to happily snatch me out, from underneath her influence, take me to the doctor, and make his point clear. He always made his point and feelings clear. He was my safety net, support, security, and hero. My mom on the other hand, so I hear, nowadays, at 71, got a tummy tuck and a double thigh lift all in one setting. So, she's still have issues around her superficialities. And, believe you me, all she does is talk about how great she looks, all the compliments she gets, comparing her body to mine (apples and oranges, she's 5'2, I'm 5'8); not to mention all the talk about food and calories and her obsessions here. Despite telling her constantly, over the years, every time she does it, that those topics aren't good discussion, she continues to do it anyway. Whether it's a compulsion on her end; or some Jedi Mind Trick. Luckily, I'm on 1.5 years no contact. It feels so much better; here, on the side. Thanks DOC!
Sara Adams My mother did the same! She would bring out her tape measure and point out that her waist was smaller than mine. I just naturally have a thicker waist...no matter what I weigh. I developed an eating disorder during my senior year and was on my way to being full blown anorexic(sp?) until I got pregnant after graduation. Afterward, I was bulimic off and on for 15 years.
Sara Adams i looked just like my mom at 12 and although she follows no trends - she made an exception with the Permanent Wave of the 80s. She made sure i got perms, but not so i could have a "Farrah" - she styled my hair EXACTLY how she would have worn it in the 40s and 50s. 1979, our family photo - i look just like Anne Frank. This of course set me up for mockery and bullying by my classmates. She was 31 when she had me and my older sister had beautiful, long, straight natural hair. So, it's not like my mom didn't have any modern examples. She failed me in so many ways as i was coming of age. When i look back, it feels like sabotage.
FOOK YES! My mom controlled my hair, my clothes, etc. until I was about a sophomore in high school. So, she wanted you to be her mini-me, huh? That's crazy and sick!
This perfectly describes my mother. It's like Dr. Ramani has met her! I feel embarrassed when people compliment me for anything. Now I think I know why.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! The videos on Covert Narcissism have changed my life. Growing up my mom always had a problems with work, finances, friends and her children. If God would only bless me, she often said. Her childhood was traumatic but it has become her excuse to be old and bitter or more bitter than before. She always had nasty things to say with a smile. Unfortunately, I ended up marrying my mother. My husband has an excuse for his life being a never ending reality show too. When he uttered “If God would only bless me, I knew it was time to leave. Well now that I am well educated about all types of Narcissism, I know exactly how to avoid them and live a much healthier emotional life. For a while I really thought I was crazy. 🤪
My mother would go on and on about how she was the victim. She never appreciates what she has. She positions herself as some form of religious leader. Yet she never valued my achievements. Only did very rarely. Like it felt fake. Her over smothering feels fake. I can't place what kind of narcissist she is.
This is my mother. Gone no contact years ago. Thank God I was raised by my grandparents. Still I had to live with her for 4 years, and sadly it has a great impact on me. Thank you for this education, Dr!
My mother usually compliments me in a way that makes it about her. "You're so beautiful, you've got the best genetics." and she is completely serious. And the projection is BIG - she hassled me about something when we were with a social worker, and the social worker called my mother out on it and told her to leave me be. After we left, she told me "good job manipulating the social worker" I hadn't said a single word during the entire thing. Thanks for these videos.
Everytime I watch one of your videos I learn something I didn't Know before. Sometimes I cringe because I can see myself in your descriptions of the narcissist you're talking about. And sometimes I see myself as the empath who gets sucked into the craziness of a exploitive narcissist. I see where I need to change and be a better person and then I see that I have to protect myself from a narcissist and walk away. My childhood was more than difficult but I never want to be unkind to someone out of my own insecurities.
I'm exhausted! The competition, the jealousy, the opposition, the resentment, the judgment, the putdowns, the projections, the nitpicking, the teasing, the envy, the dismissing the ignorance, the nastiness, the scheming . . . There's so much more! Everything you say Dr Ramani is true 100% my life. I am 45 and working towards healing myself from my covert NM. She is textbook!
My mother always tried to keep us down by if we said we wanted to be a teacher, she would say, why not just be a teacher's aide?! My oldest daughter told her that she wanted to be a nurse and my mom told her why not just a nurse's aide or something. I am soo proud of my daughter that she became an RN anyway. I always felt my mother's hand on my head, holding me down to the level she wanted me to stay at, even though she would say that she wanted us to do better than her, she would find a way to discourage us from living a dream.
This is on point in my situation with my father in law. I always knew something wasnt right and I thought something was wrong. I had a big wake up call this last fall because I ignored him and didnt fall into his harsh baiting. He got furious and threw more attacks. He was so mad I ignored him. He wanted me to get angry and attack so he could act like he was defending. I wouldn't let him have his end goal.
What scares me the most is how often I see those individual patterns from people who actually mean well... it's very alarming how some toxic behaviors feel just normal in our society :/
Oh, my goodness. I totally dreaded praise from teachers and others; dreaded winning prizes; getting gifts; getting attention for anything! My mom would be so jealous and angry. Good to understand it now.
I have to work with a family member. It is absolutely devastating emotionally and spiritually. It's brought back every horrible memory of my childhood and I cant escape
Nail on the head on so many of your examples for my ex! Thank you for helping me feel validated in walking away after almost 27 years of marriage! He was exhausting and I couldn’t do it anymore. My boys and I see the light after getting away. I didn’t know what it was except he was such a negative person and definitely a victim. Now he’s a victim because I divorced him and his children, who are adults, have very little to do with him.
If only my dad would’ve done the same thing as you, our lives would’ve been so much easier. Instead, he left, but kept us with her. I get that he was disabled and all, but he left us to endure pure hell and the physical abuse escalated
Volunteering with an organization is extremely important to me. My husband knew several people were working to surprise me with a recognition. They told him months ahead to keep my schedule open for the evening these recognitions are done. I scheduled a work trip for that time; he said nothing. Organization called me to let me know and get a blurb for the program. First red flag should have been how I dreaded telling him I was receiving the award. When he affirmed he knew after I did tell him should have been an alarm bell. Learning about the existence of covert narcissists explains so much because I have tried for years to get him to see a counselor about potential depression and anxiety.
The section about the workplace is true gold. This describes countless workplaces around the world. Violence in the workplace? This is why one of the reasons why...
