The UNDETECTABLE way vulnerable narcissists love bomb 

OMG!!!!! I am 😶.

haha SO TRUE!!!

Yes!!! Same experience I had

😂😤and I actually believed him!!

As well as the related, "I've never told anyone this..."

I am in the same boat as you, mate. It’s so scary out there. I will always ask a potential date about their experience with therapy. Their reaction is quite telling. If they’re on a healing journey themselves, then I see that as a real potential.

Was just thinking how do you actually tell the difference between true social anxiety and vulnerable narcissism 😅 accountability. Phew

That’s a great point! I’ve never thought about it that way. Hearing how someone is healing is so much more conducive to an actual conversation than listening to someone speak of how victimized they’ve been.

You nailed it. It's very important to observe what they do to fix it and keep on track. Most of them just do the same things over and over.

It’s not always this simple, my narc totally BS’d me with the healing story. They know exactly what to say. Always.

Yep, I've learned an early red flag is that weaponization of empathy. They find ways to make you feel guilty really early on. Even if they're "just joking" when you question it, that's a red flag.

First dates: staring alot at me and not speaking/conversing much. Buying expensive gifts, trips and restaurant outings. Testing to see what my limits were: example, saying I’m at the restaurant close by watching soccer. Then when you ask why wouldn’t you invite me, says: you know you’re always invited! The staring was to observe me in order to mimic me and create the perfect character especially made for me. 👺

Agree. I saw my narcissist was so rude and disrespectful with waitress and it was eye opening and awakening. How this saint and perfect person, who is mocking me for being not spiritual enough, can be so angry and arrogant with a waitress?

This!!!

Absolutely! Major anger issues!

I thought exactly the same thing. I’m trying to walk away and accept.

100% it’s crazy how so many people feel the same way. And have had so many of the same experiences!

Hey I am walking away too, my case is the same and very painful

Same, but with my family

The narcs played the whole time. It’s an awful feeling to realize what you lost for someone that doesn’t matter now because you never mattered to them.

🎯

I witnessed one attempt to light a candle in front of me and perform some kind of prayer to whatever new age deity she worshiped. It was such a joke of a performance! Her need for moral superiority, no matter how over the top, is pretty sad.

@Mary Carroll That's what baffles me! How do they think that! I just want to scream "You are not smart lady, you are an idiot! I can see what you are doing!"

Absolutely. After my curiosity finally got the better of me, I asked why our wall calendar had been marked almost daily for months with "C", "W" OR "CW". He was noting the days it was windy, cloudy or both. The constant negativity and self depreciating remarks had a huge affect on my own neural pathways and I went from a positive person to the opposite. I'm trying so hard to get back an attitude of gratitude but feel I'm failing miserably. 30 years of exposure to a litany of negative comments about virtually everything in the world around us is indeed truly exhausting.

Yess. Even when they are quiet, you wanna tell them to shutup. Lol

Oh. This. You said it so well!

Are you describing the same person I know?

I call this the fake boy scout act.

Very well explained.

Yes, it's amazing how they think they have done so much for us, right? My sibling goes back to my birth and talks about how they're not complaining, but they fed me and changed me and had to work when they were a teenager. Gag. It's disgusting getting cards talking about my birth from a sibling when I'm several decades old!

Exactly - I realized that I was doing all the problem solving, empathizing - while the friend did a lot of nothing except complain without any intention of solving any of her issues. They also offer up very little to you while they expect you to bend over backwards for them - the relationship, whether it's with an ex partner or a friend - it's always unbalanced - always.

Yep. After a while I started to think my father viewed me as a sort of Television. He'd rage if he couldn't change the channel and if I said anything off script. Thing was I was never given the script. Therefore I had nothing to say.

Oh boy this was my reality...his bad parents!

Microexpressions of contempt were my first signs of who I was dealing with.

What you said describes exactly how I felt watching my friend start dating my other (albeit fairly newer) friend. After 2 years she was at the lowest I've ever seen her. To this day she doesn't really get what was happening to her, just like you described. Luckily what snapped her out was him crossing a boundary (a physical one; although not with her, but himself, he tried hitting himself in front of her while driving a car) and she simply got scared enough to wake up from his numbing poison and run. I'm so thankful it was enough, because she was slipping continuously, and she KNEW that, but the numbing just kept going. I was so afraid I'd lose her but was unable to help her. It felt like she was dying.

I'm so sorry. After 15 years divorced, I struck up a new friendship with mine, thinking we had both grown, matured, learned. It started GREAT, felt real, true, etc. Then he asked to get back together, then abruptly discarded me at xmas. Now I"m the scapegoat being gaslighted again. WTF. Why didn't I learn about vulnerable narcissism years ago??!! This is all making so much sense. The defeated vulnerability, the fragile ego, the constant complaining, the all-too-intense connection in the beginning.

So glad you had the strength to leave

Are you still married?

Same, but I was married 12 years. But his narcissistic rages were getting worst, scary. Every time he picked up drinking again it got unbearable. I had to put a restraining order on him, but he kept swinging back by the house. I had to flee my home, sneak back to clean it up and rent it out. We’re separated. After I refused to be a resource, he disappeared on to the next resource. I don’t know if I could get a divorce… I feel like it’ll hurt me way more financially, emotionally, spiritually… because I know he’ll use my faith against me to justify himself and to insult my decision to leave him.

@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 that sounds more like a narcissist preying upon a weak, vulnerable person, as opposed to someone who truly wants to encourage, support, and help others lovingly and without “keeping score”. You are speaking more of verbal criticism/abuse as “help”, opposed to a non-narcissist falling into a trap with a vulnerable narcissist.

Thank you Sharron I find that really helpful as it makes the distinction really clear.

@Mary Carroll careful, your gynocentrism is showing. Instead of complaining on here, what have you done about it? Refer to OP on forcing change. Realize you cannot fix a broken system singlehandedly, that includes the medical system. Either get on board, or get out of the way, your stress is contributing to the health problems.

@@PBVader ugh boring troll

@Mary Carroll you posted that purely for female validation. You either support your husband, or you don't. This is not a fefail board. How many men just shake their head and keep reading, while the hens cackle. The gig is up.

This was exactly my experience! I spent 15 years wondering what was going on. I hope you’ve found happiness. I’m on my way to finding it. Good luck!

This is how movie romances start

That was my experience. I didn’t know he was a narcissist until I got discarded without a reason. It was just crazy

You are right, it feels we are lovebombing them instead because we put so much effert in making them feel better, heal them, reçue them...to the point of exhaustation and heartbreak💔. This is a great comment, thank you❤

You’ should love these type of people that’s the sick thing about a narcissist they steal the lives of real people that go through or have actually experienced that sadness while attempting to remain a good person. Don’t be mad for loving be mad at the narcissist for switching up on u

EXACTLY, well said!

We go one wrong to another. We always gotta have a bad guy so we can see the world as unjust.

They love staying the victim, it their way of staying in spotlight,it’s their literal identity.

Both my parents to a T . Listening to 6oy say this makes me wonder if I have relatives I don't know about 💛

Ugh you read about one, it’s like reading about all of them. Ex husband entirely described here.

That last point! Oh my god… I would bring up a frustration or upset and he would talk for hours, cut me off if I tried to interject, tell me to stop talking so he could *finally* get his point out and the argument was only ever done when HE decided WE weren’t upset anymore. He would then go on to say how proud he was of us that we could handle our upset so well. That only fostered my willingness to let him dictate what was happening and how I should see our relationship and him. I had 4.5 years with my narc, I left him almost 7 weeks ago. Hardest 7 weeks of my life but every day I watch Dr. Ramani I feel a little more committed because I see him so clearly now ♥️

@@NewNameNaomi God blesses you, Lyndsey! Keep fighting the devil energy/doubt that he programmed in your brain (as did mine!). WE GOT THIS & GOD'S GOT OUR BACKS! ❤️🙏❤️

My ageing, covert parent, to a tee.....thanks for sharing

💔😡

Had my narc telling me that in the end of the relationship. I laughed it off as he is really overweight. But I would never say that to somebody. They are so cruel.

Ugh. I am so sorry he said that to you, but so glad you saw it for what it was. You’ve also reminded me why I’m so terrified to tell people the bad things I’ve gone through or are going through. I’m sitting here, low-key concerned that I sound like I’m “confessing” my hurts in order to leverage them when in reality, I’m just afraid of them being weaponized against me.

@@michellebaker793 May I suggest you read the book CPTSD by Pete Walker. It gave me so much insight into why I chose a Narcissist in the first place. It sounds crazy but it really is based in childhood trauma. Emotional trauma. Thank you for sharing and I feel a connection to you because I’m not judging you, I’m looking for common connection. You are a beautiful person and you did not deserve any of it and if you would’ve known what was going on you would’ve left. Please give yourself a hug for me.

@@tinnitusisnotmusic6807 this was a really insightful understanding of how he manipulates through crying. After reading your response I gave it a lot of thought and you are absolutely correct! He actually would make himself cry when he was saying things to hurt me the most. Thank you so much for sharing this with me! Give yourself a hug for me!

"Need-Bomb" That's IT! That's IT!

« Need-bombing », God that’s it! Thanks for putting it into simple words!

Omg you’re right! Need bombing - that’s what he did to me, got so much stuff from me and money over his hard luck life 🙄

"need-bombing" -- thats the perfect description! Thanks for the tip!

Need bomb, perfect word.

This is bad ass….this is what i like to call gangster ass real healing!!!! Self reflection and changing our behaviors to free ourselves from the self inflicted prison of childhood trauma….great job!!! Keeeeep Going!!!!❤🎉❤

I can empathise. This particular video resonates with my person story, too, more than any of the others, right down to minute details. Glad to know you have improved. Best wishes.

Exactly my story. I didn’t know he was a narcissist until after I got discarded and started looking at videos on RU-vid. He would put down my accomplishment like it was nothing. Mine you I am a physician and I met him in medical school. He didn’t complete medical school and I think he was angry with me for that. I think he was just jealous. It’s not my fault he didn’t finish. These people need help

@@bee12355 You finished, he didn't but he belittled your accomplishment? You can bet your bottom dollar he was jealous! Mean spirited or what.....

I bet that for all the contempt and lack of empathy he showed for you, your achievements and efforts, he would nevertheless accept any offer of financial help from you without a moment's hesitation.

Thank you for sharing!

I feel for her. That’s what I’m working on too. It’s such a blow to the sense of whatever self I knew to realize how often I’ve been sucked in by predatory people and left feeling empty and broken. I’m glad she has a friend who gets it. 🙂

Who is a malignant narcissist

Any time you hear “How bad the world has treated me”. It’s a red flag! Run….I have learned the hard way. This is many people’s identity in which they gain attention….

I made the change , when I made the connection that saying narcissists was dating my mother . It was ‘home ‘ ‘familiar ‘ .. once I realised it , I’ve never seen one again. Saying ‘no’ weeds then out in minutes

My experience too 😔

Exactly!

My ex was subtly competitive too. We also worked together and he hated it if I upstaged him.

Hear hear

Well said!

Heartbreaking

They fake empathy at first and then they discard and treat ya like crap.

I've experienced this pseudo-intimacy with my exhusband. Took me years to figure out wtf happened and how I got so bamboozled. Recently I met another covert narcissist and had a chance to observe his scheming and how he created this "intimacy" and if I didnt know any better, I'd fall for it. They are literally the best actors and masters at deceit.

Same. I am sure, in my case, it took so long to realize, because I simply didn't know what intimacy was. No concept. Never had the experience. Our mother flat out rejected us, me and my siblings. Shaming us insistantly for existing (and, God forbid, having needs). How could I know what I don't know?

@@evareichelova their deceit is absolutely crushing.

as the same thing as you don't saw how abusive this family behind the curtains..... people will always judge, no matter how kind you are, and it saddens me as unhealed Empath seeing people hate each other and suspicious to people intentions.... i know im one of those rare kind, having dark alters as result of several trauma, but no matter how hard i'll explain, people still gonna judge right? still, it saddens me to know how harsh people this day to the mentally people out there.... Empaths and deep sadness, it might be my identity, until God takes all of me, and facing death right before my eyes

It took me 5 years to leave and almost 1 year to fully understand what I was dealing with. And a part of me still won’t actually believe this is what he truly is. I think I just need more time. Courage to everyone! Be brave.

@@chriswyma145 man, there's many guys out there having mental issues, i saw how bad some musicians dealing with addictions and depression, although they might sound self centered and hating on their song, they just human and they also suffers, cmon man, why would we always judge mentally ill people, they already suffer enough, be kind to them...

@@chriswyma145 oh wait, that's your girl right? sorry if i come out, out if context, hahahh

@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 yes. you read me in everywords you say, as some guy who like to criticize others for the sake of being morally superior, i hate that honestly..... people do make mistakes, and you can deal of people mistakes and just judge they for their past mistake, you will and eventually make people leave.... is that how people live this day? judge people behind accounts, and try to be morally superior to people? I don't think good people do that way honestly, social media just make everything sucks dude.... yeah, i know those social construct and hierarchy, but again, be kind to people living with bad situations man, kindness make people living in harmony... that's why i kinda hate some of western culture and modernity, about free will and free critics, some of it are dark and into hate speech and death threats, man, people this day are too harsh to something.... like they never believed in kindness and God Grace...

Sounds soooo familiar

i thought i was reading my comment . My ex said the same exact words to me . said i wasn’t capable of love because of my chidhood . Told me there weren’t many like him around . it’s been 3 months . im feeling great now

Mine said that too!

I got "you don't forgive people because your father never forgave you so you don't know what an apology looks like"

Oh. My. God. Mine said these exact words and did this exact thing. Penny just dropped.

Because more and more people are looking up too narcs and accidently enabling it so more and more people turn too their self centered egos. I blame the lockdown from covid and lazy people.

Real narcissists do not accept help. It is as simple as that. They see themselves as perfect and they even tell you that they are perfect and you have a problem. If you have ever lived with one, you know it for sure. They destroy you. And it is more than time that the therm narcissist gets out in public. I have no empathy for them anymore.

There are indeed certain people who take on people as projects. These are both men and women.

It's not other people's responsibility to help them no matter they are narc or not. And it's their responsiblity that they hurt others.

I'm copying this post and will use it as guidance, for those of us who want to help but not want to be sucked in. I also devised a test - I ask these covert narcs to help me with something, too. Not something they offer, but something I ask that will cost them a little trouble. If the angrily refuse and then start attacking you for asking and insisting - you can compare your ask to their much larger asks and then you got your answer.

HOBOsexual.

I had a narcissist “friend” move into my house and refuse to get a job or pay rent. When I tried to talk to them about how I couldn’t afford to be supporting her, she would cry and talk about how hard life has been to her and how if it weren’t for me she’d be dead. She manipulated me for years with that routine but I finally lost it when she came home with new hair and nails that she had bought on a credit card (AFTER I PAID OFF HER LAST SECRET CARD and she swore she would never ever do that again since I was feeding her and she had no need to be spending money when she had no job) I dumped her shit in plastic bags and moved. She does not know where I live and never will. And I will never rent a room out again. (Makes me think - there’s a housing crisis right now and narcissists kind of destroy the market by traumatising renters into never renting rooms again)

So true!!

a hobo-sexual!

Yes listen to the date who tells you all his prior relationships were " crazy", "needy" or any other vague word, the hint is every past partner has the same label. That is the same label you will get when the Narcissist is done with you!

Man child... How perfect

I also want to add an approving nod to the "man-child" description; my abuser was nothing less.

These marriages all need to be annulled in which one partner becomes a different partner once the wedding has taken place.

You are not alone in being compassionate. Some will take advantage. But keep an eye out, with the help of Dr. Ramani. Your situation will eventually change for the better. Happy '22!

"Manipulative selfish man child". I couldn't have said it better. I'm going to remember that.

Guilt and pity... So true :/

And you have been made to, or programmed to feel like that, because looking after you first, is never equivalent to kicking a puppy. Self care is not selfishness, it's your responsibility. It's so hard to reprogram this stuff. It feels counter intuitive, turbo charged.

I can relate, we feel bad for them. So true

I am glad you are away from her and that lockdown has given you the opportunity to focus on your own needs and life. I made the mistake a few months ago of not setting clear boundaries and sticking to them. I wanted to help one friend out on a project they got involved with. However I realised that they would complain quietly in the corner to me about problems and concerns they had, but when it came to meetings they said nothing. This is not a Narcissistic person, but someone with low self-esteem who is struggling with their self confidence. I have tried to help, but when I heard the words 'I can't do this without you!' and 'I just need you to be there, you don't need to do anything.' Alarm bells went off in my mind. I may want to help someone until they learn a skill or complete a task that needs multiple hands/ minds to complete, but then I want to step away and get on with my own stuff and life. I have made the mistake of trying to rescue people before who were adults and capable of learning to look after themselves. Like you it drain me so much that I had no enthusiasm and energy for my own life. You have probably helped a lot of other people who really appreciated your help and support, also it was good and kind of you to try to help her. However you have not been born to be someone's slave. Your existence is not about being there to support and enhance their existence and life. Good Luck to you kind Soul!

@@maevey3 Hello! Your reply is very helpful to me - you have a way with words. Thank you very much 😊

Hmmmmmm🤔

what happened to the friendship in the end then

rationalisations

They are not responsible for the wounds and abuse but yes for her way to cope with it, healing and her own reaction to it

The “using everything you shared against you” is deeply hurtful in more ways than I can put into words.

Realising they never really listened to anything they supported you in too! These weird half bits of information from everything you've told them

Oh god…. This is literally what is happening to me. 😨

This! All of this!

The last two sentences hit me hard, so true...

I am so glad you mentioned the bpd confusion. I am currently trying to heal from a hurtful break-up. Spending time trying to learn from what harm I caused/improve imperfections and also trying to identify the red-flags, mistreatment I also conveniently ignored in the name of “love”. I feel like there was some covert mental abuse and narcissism in my last relationship but then I start to wonder if I am just playing the victim. It’s gotten messy because I also do identify with the symptoms of bpd. It can be so difficult to distinguish the two. When it comes to mental health it seems virtually impossible to decipher what came first the chicken or the egg. I do think as a result it can be a little of both. Practicing intuition and listening versus being overwhelmed by those feelings helps make the line a tad bit clearer. Thanks for your comment.

@@megoriold4166 Mine gave me a book about bpd, indicating I could have it. Now two years and one therapy after I can tell you, that he was the one oscillating between covert narcissm and bpd. Both disorders have quite a few similiarities. He kind of transferred it to me by the time while I was actually trapped in a ptsd. But I was not never diagnosed with bpd! So the relationship to such a person make you feel like having bpd. Maybe you also act the way, but it's induced to you. This was at least my own experience. What you truly get from those kind of relationships is a ptsd.

Yes all of the tragedies!! It took me a year and a half to realize those tragedies were being milked to keep me quiet about and excuse their bad behavior. That is, if the tragedies all happened. I'm still not sure. It took another year of me calling them out on inconsistencies and getting all the rage, victim playing, blame shifting and gaslighting for the blinders to come off, and another year after that for me to end the relationship. I was trying to be thoughtful and allow them to have as much potential of landing on their feet as possible. They repaid me by trying to destroy my reputation. They didn't succeed. But I do worry that I will be more skeptical of people who need my empathy as a result of this experience.

Its called the narcissistic pityplay, I was in the same mess for 4 years before I went fully no contact. Expect them to come back and try to hoover years later aswell. Narcissism and BPD is *very* similar so you made a good observation there, we get good at these things from self educating online.

Tc

@Back_to_the_nineties 02 thank you for taking care of you

I can totally relate to this.

- take heart - you are doing the best that you can, and that's enough - that's all you need to do - ask God to help you, and if you find yourself starting to get involved with someone, ask them what their goals are in life, what are their values, and what are their interests. then go home and write down your own answers to those questions - if they don't match up, don't get close to that person :)

Don't give up Christine. The vulnerable type is way harder to detect. They seem to be humble, understanding, helpful and altruistic in the beginning. Their fragility make you believe they are different and that they won't ever hurt you. Plus they seem to be open and honest, but only in the first place. The dissapointment is bigger because the reality is far far away from what you've expected. What do we expect from a grandios narcissist? Well, we kind of know or at least feel that he is a liar, a show, a mascerade. We also kind of know he will cheat on us, right? But in the case of the vulnerable counterpart? Well, in my case I really thought he finally is the one I will spend my life with. He made me believe so by saying "wouldn't it be nice, if we could stop searching (for the right one)!?" Wow, those words blew my mind. But then reality hits you hard and you are already trapped in this cognitive dissonance. You find out, it's all fake. The humble, friendly guy you met in the beginning turns out to be a manipulator, an opportunist, a cold-hearted being who's only interest lies in himself. So obviously it's harder to recover from such an encounter, it's simply the bigger fraud!

Just looked up 'The giving tree' - that's a pretty messed up story. Sorry you went through so much.

I’m tempted to ask you his name. You sound like the poor woman my ex latched onto after I kicked him out! I’m glad you’re out!

He needs to get out now before it’s too late. Run 🏃‍♀️

@@bee12355 To do that, he needs to understand what he is dealing with. Otherwise, he is still really vulnerable to her « charms ».

They can be quite seductive!! That’s how a former friend of mine lost her father to divorce! He, a minister and rescuer, got seduced and eventually had an affair by a vulnerable narcissist who was going through “trauma”. It’s the most vicious kind because he would defend his behavior and make his wife feel guilty in the name of “rescuing” this poor soul…

I started going to Therapy this year because of their relationship. I have been rescuing my son his entire life and recognize that I am a big part why he fell into her trap. The worst part is that she has isolated him from all of his friends, mostly because they don't want to be around her. She actually told him to cut off contact with me because I'm the toxic one. I'm trying to moved toward indifference now but it's very hard.

My husband goes all blamey if I did not respond to his messages or forget my cell at home 🙄 I am supposed to take all his calls, read all his messages and respond to them ASAP. He is a skillful manipulator. "I am making you tea! Which one do you want?" - while I am shopping, going for a walk or exercise outside. Seems like love, right? Or rather his way of controlling me. It took me years to recognize the difference.

You and me BOTH!!!!

The same stories ;; usually made up and from their unverifiable "youth".... aggressively "shared".. over and over and over... at nauseum .... and your fully expected to "hold court"... like your hearing it for the first time..every time;; and if you have say for example ;; ... brain surgery coming up, they will MAYBE acknowledge it MAYBE, , if so ..... with something flippant that doesn't properly acknowledge the seriousness of the victims health issue like" Man that's tuff eh?.. I can imagine... because this one time, I had this really bad headache once ..ect ect... and at LENGTH , in minute detail . As the victim sits there truly confused and wondering "did they just not HEAR me! ? Then you realize that EVERY single topic comes back to THEM. .....and you begin to walk away or even bother voicing your own serious health problems ... then YOU are blamed for not putting up with the verbal barbs and "jokes".and guilted or raged at for not listening intently in awe. it wears thin after awhile even for a victim .

How does vulnerable narcs behave in the beginnig with texting, did he write the first message or initiate contact, did he text alot, did he respond to text fast or slow and one more thing do they use alot of emojis when texting

I love how you caught this, my spirit picked up on this, but my heart didn't, and got myself entangled with this person. But then I caught on.

I believe you! Described this type of behaviour to a flying monkey of my narc and , well, you know how that went over!

Excellent example

True

Great story

Wow!! Such a compelling story!!!

Been there worn the T-shirt… I hope you have finally healed from the poison.. Take care 👍🏾🥋

I'm glad you left, you were being used

same here I am almost free

@@valentinasmith9227 my divorce finalized this past week. Tears of joy never felt so good.

Jesus bro. That's how it goes. They reel you in. Mine was super bubbly and up beat and positive when I met her. Within 7mnths time she became Polar opposite, and just was mean and it was always something. I'm out of that now. 5 long years. It was rough. Still Have PTSD when my phone goes off, cause when me and her were together anytime she called, 9x out of 10 it was about something negative.

“When I experienced tragedy, they made it about them.” My brother took his life, and I dropped to the garage floor with the news. My narc-simply walked around me and unloaded groceries. And he was a pastor-where a death in the congregation trumped everything!

Same here

They are attention seekers. Always need admiration

That’s so terrible! CAn relate! Happened to me. Sorry 😞

On my way home after finding my dad deceased in his home. My soon to be but not soon enough Full Fledged Covert ex husband continued to dose off when I was telling him the details of that life changing moment but not of course before saying "if your dad had any guns I would like to have one" 😳 My husband is a gun enthusiast. But apparently that was more important than comforting me.

It makes me want to throw up

Thank you

I still wonder that myself, I don't know what he is, but it doesn't matter, what matters is what I learned from this relationship. and what NOT to do in future relationships.

Great idea!

Hey Wesley, may I ask you how much time you working on it now? I spend one year in such a relationship and now 1,25 yrs on recovery...

Why do you say your early friendships turned out to actually be competitions?I suspect my mother displays a few more vulnerable narcissist traits than I'd like, and I've been working to identify/correct competitive trends in my early friendships... Definitely would appreciate your thoughts.

@@gumbo45100 my mother devalued me to the point that I was a leaf blowing in the wind, looking for love. Problem is, my definition of love was wrong because my mother modeled it wrong. She abused me in every way and called it love. Of course I looked for that love/hate going forward. I'm 45 now. I now know what she is and no longer befriend people like her. I now recoil from these demons. Once I allowed myself to see the truth, that most of my friends were secretly hating me and competing with me, just like she always did. I don't enjoy competing like that. I prefer the basketball court, lol. But I'm so beyond tired of competing in these competitions that I never signed up for, and am unaware I'm participating in, until I accidentally win and some"friend" gets narcissistic injury.... hope that made sense.

As someone who just realized at 37 that his mother was a convert narcissist all along, but never wanted to see it before, your story resonates with me and to hear you are so far down the road of self love recovery made my day. Thanks for sharing, all the best, and I love you too.

@@humanityhealthyself4430 It's like a horror movie. You escape the bad upbringing into what you think is a safe new chosen family, only to discover they're soul-suckers too! I held onto the last narc friend for far too long, in part because I hated what it would "say about me" if I had no lifelong friends anymore and was truly alone in the world. Turns out it says I love myself and am worth standing up for! ❤🤩 You're so right: *"Never ever quit before the miracles!"* 🌈🌿😃💐❤🍀

❤❤❤❤❤

Yep! My husbands fav word! Stupid and idiot! He got this “thrill, high” when he would call me those names

@@jasmine3416 Hope you are on the road to healing, you deserve waaaaay better than that!

EXACTLY ! You nailed it.

@@brightbite thank you. We all do!

Yes, my MN does this. Thanks for sharing.

I overheard my ex husband laughing about getting funds saying "yeah... Cry it in lad" They know exactly what they are doing!

1000000% true

10/10

🎯

So true. So true. 👍

absolutely spot on

"she met another guy and was flirting with him while she was with me. We moved from making plans to move in together to a breakup within 3 days!" Same story here, except with a man. Or shall I say "man" because he isn't a real man for having done that.

@@anumer897 Same!

I got "dumped" more times than I can count! And at the very end, he said it was my fault I was ensnared in his abuse because I obviously knew he wouldn't change and kept taking him back. He may be right, but it hurt to be told that.

This sounds more BPD to me.

In my case, she started an affair with her upstairs neighbor right after we got back from a wonderful vacation where I thought I could live with this woman.

At 11 she was already a narc? How horrible and sad that this personality disorder can set in so early in children… I am recovering from my toxic relationship - and I am seeing his imprint on my young kids, hoping to mitigate some of these damaging effects so that they don‘t grow up with narcissism/codependency.

The beginning was magical and out of this world, indeed....

Same here. Thanks for this video, doctor.

I'm right there with you! We're finally free. ❤

I still struggle with grieving that opening set of future faking. But working to grieve it and let it go.

Me too! It’s very helpful!

Me too....

You’re not alone!!! My BF does this to me. I just have to cut ties with him, but not tell him, just do it. And to think, I felt I was the only person dealing with someone like this.

We all believed it was real! Amazing sex with who we thought was the perfect person!

Your story echos my own. Cheers to healing and no contact!

I feel you - I’m (hopefully) on the verge of moving out again and I’m getting all the guilt trips from both parents that I’ll be leaving them (to resume my own adult life). I’m ashamed too of how I’ve let them affect my mental and physical health as the rescuer/marriage counsellor/comforter/servant

@@EssieSpring me too

Well said Therese D !

Lorraine A,You deserve better 🙏

Reciprocity is my relationship litmus test. In more naive days, I believed it was "keeping score," but now I realize it works well to establish healthy boundaries for relationships and assures I don't get too far downstream before realizing it's unhealthy

Lorraine, it sounds like I had a similar experience. I too am thankful for the lessons and I'm much more secure in myself and setting boundaries after working through all the damage he caused.

Sounds like an experience I had. Online dating and all. I’m so sorry that happened to you. What’s really difficult is no one around you can truly understand what you are going through unless it’s happened to them. But the positive here is we can let it make us better people and learn from it.

👍🏽

Like losing a sibling to addiction

@@cairosilver2932 YES!! Thank you!!

Sounds like your sister has to learn the hard way, hopefully before complete damage occurs.

Wasteful useless creature smirking. This describes exactly the man who stepped on my back to lift himself up and now that his mess is fixed for the moment, I am garbage and not worth even common civility. It's amazing how they mow through other people's resources like a locust in a crop.

@@dragonclaws9367 Aye.

This is my experience. I do see my father has more of the contempt and negativity with entitlement to be served as most people are taking away from the video. But your description is my experience with my not really BF. I'm taken but he was always single. I think the difference between authenticity is the durability of a trait. If you cannot remain stable it was a shallow mirage. Fantasy is a huge coping mechanism for a monster of insecurity lurking in their system. It's been said, difference between whether an abused or neglected child becomes a narcissist or a codependent is their resilience. The more resilient become codependent but the more fragile become narcissistic. Now, that's only in the cases of dysfunction but it still seems accurate.

Same happened to me. I thought I had met the most loving, kind, romantic guy ever. The minute he got comfortable in the relationship ( took one year for me to present him to my children), the put downs started.

Yes! In the love bombing stage they make you feel so unique because they “feel seen finally” but after a while the neglect sets in you are basically invisible and when you bring up your concerns, you’re a nag like everyone else ruining their existence. So spot on.

@@KoreaMojo Interesting 🤔

@@roxanne83 😔

You are not the only orphan on here for sure, I have two living siblings that are worthless creatures and parents are gone now. Mom was a trip and dad let her do it. In the end you are so much better off now, Don't be sad, you had no choice and nothing you could fix or do about it.

I am sorry for that, I think it is really though and sad once you probably love them even to they are not able to love you back. I couldn't do zero contact, it was so hard and I decide to do gray rock.

I’m so sorry to hear this. I hope that you heal & that your Mother gets help.

Kinda same here. I know I'm better off, but it's sad.

This is my story

Whoa is sounds super familiar.

I’m igor

... oh my god. You might as well describe my ex. I'm honestly shook rn

@@CG-wl3cq omg yes. All of that too. would also take advantage of minor illnesses/aches and pains and way over exaggerate to gain sympathy. I remember actually being angry that he had caught another cold/kept getting sick

@@CG-wl3cq so funny! My sister called my ex Eyore. He is deff. a covert

@Esther I’m so sorry that you have had to go through these experiences too. 😣 ❤️‍🩹Thank you for the recommendation. I’ll definitely check it out.

“Recovering internalizers who trauma bond with externalizers” this is spot on! Picking up the book soon!

@@Caligirl.8630 Yes! It’s a life changer. I had to look up from the book and curse several times while reading it. Lol. I found it easier to read the book a chapter at a time to be able to process all the information emotionally and mentally, then followed by a workout after. There are a lot of hard truths in it but it’s also extremely empowering. 💞

@@TheHopefulExistentialist I will try that method, thanks! You know what they say, the truth will set you free but first it’ll piss you off. 😂

They way you described him… why did you even become attracted to him then

Man , this sounds like my ex who was a female. She was estranged from her family.

Never ever trust a "nice guy". Those ones will suck you dry.

I have had such a similar experience! I was also told when I wouldn't "serve" him ecatlybas he wanted that I wasn't feminine enough, that I hated men, that I compared him to my dad, etc.... All allusions to my own past. Things I had worked hard to heal from and was actively making sure it wasn't affecting our relationship. I was made to feel that just asking for basic human decency was "too much" for him and I was an emotional burden to him. Words which were echoed from my childhood. So it has been so hard to extricate the lies from the truth.

They can be very mean. It’s like Jekyll and Hyde.

mine also told me I hated men after I wouldn't recommit to the relationship even though it was so hard for me to stand my ground to this.. and also haven't seen him since June/july- and def wouldn't be able to do a video call that included him today so good luck and stay strong, maybe try to avoid any direct communication? he also called me the things I suggested he might be when I suggested therapy (thought I was helping at the time) .. crazy how so many situations are exact similar. sending strength 💪

You will get through this, you are stronger and wiser than you think.

My vulnerable narcissist father accused me of hating men! He is extremely misogynistic as is my entire family, so I chalked it up to projection…

I’m sorry. I understand how that feels. Do you feel betrayed when it happened? Or abandoned at all?

That "mentally drained" feeling is an excellent indicator in my opinion. With other narcissists I get the "walking on eggshells" feeling, after a conversation with a VN it takes me days to recover, to get my own emotional equilibrium back.

Sounds like a perpetual victim.

@@mandymore5741 absolutely!

i had a very similar happen to me I suffered the abuse of a narcist and done the hole truth teller gray rock thing but some of that evil ended up in me. it would come out when I was overcome with frustration (something i seen as my worse trait all my life) then the narcistic bullets would fly. the problem was this hurt my loved ones witch only made me feel worse when my sense's come back witch led to more frustration. I think in me it came form I just wanted to feel better and when you don't know why you feel so shit its so hard and defeating. but learning all this stuff has lifted my wee soul back up and it finally got to see some light and everything came so easy to see. the first thing i done was give her the same as we have both been hiding from the world for so long in pain but we got there are love is stronger than ever. best advice I can give is that you are great and you know because after all that pain your still standing. PS the words to the Elton John song I'm still standing is about that moment when it all comes to you and the freedom it brings

What you said really resonated with me. Only married for 2 years but knew him for 3 yrs before that. Now in the throes of divorce & I don’t really have anyone that can understand what I’ve gone through(that I care to share with). Most days I’ll think I’m doing fine then it hits me…all I’ve been through, just seems surreal. Wishing you the best!

Same here. Write your stories. Fill the book, empty your soul of the poison. Then meditate, dance and live. It helps the healing.

How is that lovebombing? There's nothing loving going on here. If if can be used as a form to pull your heart strings to feel sorry for them, possible but there's no way they are seducing you or loving you. People share their hard life stories on tv, RU-vid, that's even a way to get donations but they are not love bombing. Dr. Ramani is completely off in this one. Many of the so called empaths have the same abuse and deprivation backstory. We see people here on comments sharing their sobbing stories of being in narcissistic abusive relationships and this is not the only channel they must be doing it. I had this exactly same backstory and many times i have to talk about it when i don't want because many people assume everyone had same opportunities, had loving parents, paid school and allowance to thrive. As the saying goes "it's easy to hit a home run when you start from the third base". Those are the same people who donate to the starving children in Yemen but won't give a can of baby formula for their single mother neighbor "because they had opportunities and did bad choices". Actually donating to Yemen makes you feel good about yourself and you can even brag about it to others but not you won't even look to the homeless person you see begging everyday. In this example I see the "rescuer" as the narcissist person because they were the ones approaching the person who was indulging in their own misery and decided that person would give them unconditional attention. Rescuer syndrome is pretty much npd grandiose, "I'm the only one who can save this person and they will have eternal gratitude for me and love me".

Uuugg the mask wearing sheep people arguments… never 👎 ever again

I was 9 months with a narcissist and feel so damaged. It's difficult to let go and know that none of that stuff was true. I am worthy!

Same story ! It’s a process but thankful to understand where it all comes from.

I can totally relate. I was devastated when he coldly discarded me. Only a week after he said the sweetest loving things. When I was ill and lost my father, he found a beter supplier for the praises he needed. Totally ghosted me, not explaining the break up. It's taken me 2 months to realise how much of my energy was drained by him. I didn't know this vulnerable type narcissist existed, but in hindside I have encountered quite a few. Starting with my parents. I wish you speedy recovery

I can definitely relate to your story. I was in a relationship with a vulnerable narcissist for 10 months and I feel completely defeated from being devalued, discard and ghosted. To make matters worse, we were living together and he decided to leave me last Friday while I was at work without any explanation.

It’s like an addiction. It’s the soul tie you form with them

My covert narc BF plays on my heart and says we have a “connection”. Oh we sure do, but it’s up to me to cut that connection. It’s slowly coming. 🙏

@@bee12355 yes, exactly... it's letting go of the relationship you thought you had with them

@@MC-cg9xn sending you lots of love, I know how hard that is!

I thought he was my soulmate when we first started dating. We wanted the same things, at least so I thought. I didn’t know he was just mirroring me.

Just back away slowly. Not calling as much, etc.

@@bee12355 COVID lockdowns rescued me from her.

They share other people’s details if they don’t want to share their own. Gossip

An ex-boss of mine often said "stupid," but actually he was an utterly incompetent manager. He always said board members were stupid, his boss was stupid, coworkers were stupid, and subordinates were stupid. I got away from that workplace.

Same thing--And I teach post-secondary, so he was completely dismissive of my career. Thought college was a "racket"...

I was told that material posessions were shallow and pointless after I asked for a biro-drawn card and £1 gift for valentines day.. (I was trying to make it easy for him!). Boy did I get punished for that, I got accused of being a gold digger and week long silent treatment. Apparently he was so talented and intelligent he should have been able to 'flip the board' on the game of life, but it was this nasty society being horrible to him and making him poor and ineffective... It's amazing how striking and similar the patterns of vulnerable narcissism are once you start to see them.

Poor self-care....that's one thing I don't really hear mentioned...mine was all the things you mentioned plus an alcoholic....I really believed that all that behavior was due to his sob stories and I just thought he was depressed and I could help him

I find my happy place and love in meditation. Therapy is brilliant too. May you be happy and feel love and joy.

@@aratneerg3699 Thank you for the positive comment ❤️

Wow similar experience with someone i reconnected with but have not been intimate with we are just friends. Im doing no contact now i dont want to be used again!!! I deserve better!

@@ileanahope466 Yes, we deserve better! 😊❤️

😂funny but not funny at same time.My mother is also like that.Has sob stories but won’t take a constructive advice .It’s either you give her what she wants or you don’t make sense at all.One time l gave a her an advice and she mistakenly sent me an sms intended for one of my sibling.She was ranting how am no help whatsoever and am such a pathetic person.Boy was l happy to screen shot it and save it.lt validated all my gray rocking and distancing myself.Now every time l feel sorry for her l remember that screenshot to remind myself who she really is.

@@Me-xoxoz good to have reminders. My mother's not up to phone messages, thank goodness. I know she'd complain about me, she complains about everyone else so I've got no doubts. I have a box with anything she's sent me and copies of everything I've sent, so that if I ever feel a need to see her I can dig them out to confirm no contact is the way to go.

My mother always played the victim. She did have a harsh life but would milk it whenever she could to get what she wanted. Did nothing to help herself or anybody. As a fixer she bled me dry in lots of ways and never appreciated anything that was done to help her. I certainly empathise with you.

@@dawnwoolmer4063 My mother had a difficult childhood too but l have to give it to her,she dug herself out it.So she tries to use passive aggressive ways to remind us how our achievements are because of her.

Sorry for your loss.. Feeling exactly the same. It only took me loosing a close relative to finally realize that my partner was not capable of being there for me. Ever. He even tried to pull the blanket on his side at this period acting “sick” to make me come to his place and take care of him while I was completely devastated. We should all be grateful to them for teaching us a lesson on what to avoid in relationship. Stay strong!

Uplifting comment.

I’m so glad you found life and (sounds like) love!!! I was aware but ignored all the times he just did not care about me, my struggles, my pain. But he did come to my rescue when I was so depressed I couldn’t find another way, when I decided I needed to die. I’m still trying to figure out how it happened, how I wound up on a cycle - about 4 weeks - of feeling hopeful, industrious, moving forward, making plans, to anger and frustration, to catatonic and/or nonstop crying and mulling over the space I do not deserve to take up on this planet. Months of this, worse and worse and worse. Lol, he called me a narcissist so I went looking for the evidence - and found him! Cycle broken, depression gone, time for a new plan.

@@ambergerbuns You were trauma bonded; One of their favorite manipulation techniques! I too, in the end, became suicidal (he knew I was a SUICIDE SURVIVOR from a few years prior & he led me back into HIS black hole)! God blesses you & your children! ❤️🙏❤️

@@lorrainea6177 it just got so much darker. A friend called me last week, someone I haven’t spoken to in months. She had noticed my husband’s fb posts were getting scary and wanted to check on me. This past winter when I was begging again to go to rehab or be checked into psych ward - something, anything, because I was out of options but the only thing left would traumatize my children forever, and he was again giving me all the reasons he wish I could go but it just wasn’t possible, I did something weird and reached out to the few people I still knew around the country (I do not know anyone local) for help. I vaguely remember a stern pep talk from her, not helpful but nice to hear her voice, and that was it. Well, she calls me out of the blue, comments on the angry/pitiful fb activity, and then tells me that she called him after we spoke last winter. She said she was worried about me, and would do anything to help (childcare was the big obstacle to my going away, and she offered to take that on, being a mom of 4 herself with older kids, she was a perfect emergency care provider in this situation. She said she was willing to travel across three states, offered up all the possible scenarios, then started making an argument for why it is important to help, why didn’t he want to help, etc. She said he got downright hostile and basically told her to F off. ………………….. I don’t think I’m done processing this gem yet. I’m in shock, but not totally surprised. Did he want me to die? It would be amazing street cred! His first wife passed away, and that was what he led with when we met. It’s one of his favorite things about himself, tbh. Wtf???? I have preschoolers! How is this not criminal? Meanwhile I’m just gray/yellow rocking in perpetuity until I can find an out. Hard to do when he controls the finances, and my every movement lately. Grrrrrr! I waffle between seeing a broken child and feeling genuinely sad and angry that a baby was denied love, and seeing a monster, an evil thing to be feared, requiring the most careful approach as with an explosive. I’m sorry, that was a lot. I need to find some friends 😅😟