My heart goes out to this woman who wrote this. Eloquently wrote, well thought out, and smart cookie to ask for help. Some folks never are that proactive, especially at such a young age. I acknowledge her braveness. She is a survivor and ways to move forward are always helpful finding our own unique path of self realization.
The pandemic destroyed all of the work and healing I had done in the years prior. 2020 was the absolute worst year of my life. Other people don't understand why since the trauma happened much earlier, but the way things played out for me during 2020 reopened all of these wounds and filled them with sand.
I hear you. It was very triggering for people who grew up being bullied or being raised by narcissistic parents. The same dynamics were being played out, shaming, blaming and bullying people, gaslighting by the media pitting people against each other. It triggered a lot of buried emotions for people who had trauma from narcissist abuse growing up. Theres a book " The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. Its about how our body holds trauma and can be activated by events or settings. It was written for people with PTSD. Same thing happen with Complex PTSD, our bodies remember and can get triggered or reactivated. Hang in there.🕊
@@blakcanis Same here. For me 2020 was the year of exposure. Exposure to all that was not meant for me. I was trapped with my ex husband and I am a survivor of NPA like you. It has been 3 years an I am better than ever. Take care of yourself and do let the take away ONE MORE THING from you, my friend. You are deserving of all the love.
I can see the greater point that you are making: community is key for building a path towards healing. But, frankly, AA for me was some of the most toxic and drama addicted people I ever spent time with
I'm the same age 34, childless not by choice. In fact, before finding this video, I was walking home crying in grief, asking God to give me a child as I've been hoping for it for almost 10 years. I'm separated but still married to a man who has been emotionally unavailable throughout our 10 year marriage. No romance, no passion, no presence. God has helped me heal a lot!! But I still need to understand how to feel like I deserve more in life and not to feel like a burden to the world. This video confirmed to me that the greatest blessing is healing. Without it, we can have it all and still be miserable. I wish healing for us all... very soon.
Please, please wait until you're in a better, more stable place before trying more to have that baby! You've got the time, age wise; in the meantime, find loving support, maybe in a church family, build marketable skills so you can make it on your own, if need be, and keep listening to our dear Anna, here!
Careful at AA. I've actually known a few people that made toxic friendships and trauma-bonded relationships there. I took the Big Book and all the materials home with me, and I work the 12 steps myself, while getting support from other places. It's an okay place, and I know it works for a lot of people, but I worry when lonely women go into AA.😳
Yes, you need to find the right group and support with the wholesome people. When vulnerable people are in a desperate phase to find help., predators know that. Some people even get lost in cults when trying to find themselves again. You need to trust yourself before trusting groups to avoid jerks. My healing journey has been extremely long and difficult because the toxic people seem always to find me first, before I am fully healed and always drag me down again. I try different way now and focus on me only. You only need yourself to cope, but loneliness is tough I know but gets easier if you like yourself, have a true relationship with you. I wish times were different and there were more good people out there. If you ever find one, you are extremely lucky.
@@TaijaT76 Right on! I'm the same way. I'm an adult child of a functional alcoholic father and a mother that was codependent to him and to other family members. Growing up I was so scared of ending up like one of them. Because of my fear of becoming an alcoholic or marrying one, I don't drink except for socially. I did not end up becoming or marrying an alcoholic BUT did end up marrying someone who was psychologically unstable and bipolar. And also ended up dating one functional moderate drug addict and one recovered alcoholic who had bad mood swings and is also probably undiagnosed bipolar. All these relationships ended and have been traumatic for me. Now I've sworn off dating altogether. Im not closed off to a relationship but I just stopped looking because I feel there's too many crazy damaged people out there who are unaware of the bad effects they have on people. Unfortunately, our childhood issues do follow us into adulthood. And it's all on a very subconscious level. Having said that, what was freeing for me was finding healing in a combination of therapy, mindfulness meditation, support groups and medication. It's possible! It is a lot of work however. But WE ARE WORTH IT. I wouldn't say I'm fully healed. The trauma can get triggered and resurface for sure. But what resulted from my journey is FINALLY at 46, I can say I love myself and I'm comfortable in my own skin and I don't need someone else (especially not another dysfunctional person) to make me whole and happy. When I finally became comfortable in my singleness and started enjoying my own company doing stuff by myself is when I felt more settled and content. As for support groups like AA, they are good and have helped many people. One rule of thumb is DO NOT DATE someone from your support group. One, because a lot of people who go there are still dealing w their issues and may not be fully healed. It's just better not to get involved with someone who's still in the throes of all that. Second, if the relationship doesn't work out, then it would be hard to go back to that support group. As the saying goes: Don't sh*t where you eat. lol It's just a good principle to go by. Now if you meet someone wonderful at your support group, I would suggest getting to know them very well and being friends first before being involved with them. Blessings and best of luck to all of us!
Listening to this was a day saver today. So many facets that I needed to hear, from the AA meetings (mom an alcoholic), the $$ issues, the building your community to have supports, the affirmation that single moms are enough, the leaving men alone until you can determine if they’re a true healed match. Also the daily practice, I need that to keep myself from sliding backward into hermit mode. ❤❤❤ thank you so so much for this!! This resonates 100% with me.
Such a valuable space. Thank you all for sharing; ‘Liz’, who wrote the letter, Crappy Childhood Fairy and all you who comment and are out there. I send you all love, support, validation and the blessing of your soul-self ❤✨
I love your compassion Crappy Childhood Fairy. It's amazing how you hold space for these people with their sad stories and showing them where the hope is.
I can personally testify that Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families has helped me a ton! I was hesitant to go for years, (was suggested by friends and my therapist), but when I finally did attend, I was stunned at how directly all of our personal issues mached, and how the group sharing (even if it wasn't me talking) had a profoundly positive impact. It affirmed my experience, and gives a place and community to address these chronic and challenging issues together, with the help from each other, and the teachings/meditations etc. I'm going on 8 weeks in a row now. 👍 P.s.- I have several issues with some of the literature concepts including the "higher power" stuff, but the depth of the sharing portion of the meetings far outweighs any conceptual conflicts I have at this time. And, they encourage everyone to interpret the teachings in whatever way works for them.
Hey Liz, I met the love ❤️ of my life when I was 34! We’ve been together for 14 years and, higher power willing, for another 14! When I really thought that my life was over, it was really just beginning 😊
Aww Liz sending you huge hugs ❤ You’re not alone, I’m in somewhat similar situation but not trying to compare + I’m 10 years older, I can. You do and your son. You’re special, your young, go find your new passion, college? Online art? Part time writing? Salsa classes? Find something. Then if a man comes along, great but that’s tertiary to what matters. You’ll think more about ur son’s happiness when your older than any man. Don’t give up, it’s always darkest before the dawn ❤❤❤
It's hit me hard just this past 6 weeks / 2 months, especially the past 3 weeks, as I've just made the connection between what l suffered in an 11 year reign of terror straddling the 60s and 70s and how it's affected me. It only took 48 years. Uptil now everybody said how well I'd done. Deep down l knew l the issues but not their manifestation nor did I have any idea on how to articulate between the abuse and how it affected me; at all. *I had never made the connection with the abuse and my persona.* Now I have and I've been devastated to think over the decades how I've been. Most people know me as a good guy but troubled. I feel like now that there has been a sucker vine leeching the life force of the tree that is me. It's hit me hard as I'm nearly 64.
I wish there was therapeutic help for those who cannot / do not blame their traumas on their parents, when the traumas were outside the home. My parents stood up to the bullying but the school said it was not their responsibility 40 years ago.
Liz: you’re young. I’m 47, just divorced from an abusive, parasitic narcissist and raising 6 year old twins. The divorce has cost me everything, and I am retraining to become a clinical psychologist in midlife. Death is a part of life. So is 9:57 grief. You need to be the parent your son needs you to be because the way that he metabolises the loss is predicated on the way you model resilience for him. Be the mom he needs. The first stop to doing that is making yourself the love of your life.
What an amazing counsellor Anna is! Such rich insight, deep and thorough listening or and understanding of these situations people share. I just want to say that I am very traumatized by the level of deception men display while women are all there with a true authentic love, never said perfect but authentic... I have so much trouble now... being divorced from a cheater, meeting tons of cheaters who chase me and yet here I am alone... why? Because I cannot find an authentically fully committed, trustworthy man.. wtf is going on and has been going on for decades with men? They are missing the mark.. severely missing it! I send love, prayers and Godspeed, strength and much love to this single mother. Being a young single mom requires tremendous courage and you deserve so much more than what you had! God bless everyone here!
Hey, You are on a good path. When i look back at my childhood. It would have made the world of a difference if my mother would have made the effort to end the bad situations we were living. If i saw half of the efforts that you do in my mothers behaviour. I would rewright our entire story from my perspective. She did no effort and made it worse. ( probably struggling but you are too and you are making the changes) . I can't say that your son will never be mad at you for any reason, ( and it is healthy to be somehow angry with a parent on a level). But i can tell you is that you are setting an exemple for him and at some point he will realise that. And it will give him the tools and trust to get over his own issues. So keep trying, keep holding on, we think about you! And start to be kinder to yourself please. You already are a good mother. 34 is so young, you have a lifetime of happiness in front of you. Lots of love.
She still has a lot of time to heal and find her way I'm 63 and have suffered a long time but I won't give up on healing . She also has a little boy who needs her to keep trying . My kids are in their 20s it was tough but they turned out great. Good luck to you.
Anna you are so right, the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and figure out how to live well for you and your son. The right person will come along when you are not looking, but the wrong one will come when that is your focus. Your son and you both will be so much better off if you don't make finding the man your priority. You can do this! And years from now you will look back and be so glad that you did.
Dear Liz, I've been where you are and I'm rooting for you. I know you can get through this. I also would suggest trying a single mothers group, if they have one in your area, or other groups where you can connect with others. AA is good, but it's also good to be doing things that aren't related to therapy, things that are practical and can get you out of the house and mixing with other people. Good luck! ♥️
Much love Liz, you can have a gorgeous life, be encouraged by Anna...she turned my life around. Lately I started a carnivor only diet, eating butter and meat, chicken fish and eggs, its amazing for keeping trauma response low to almost non existent. The fat absorbs cortisol, the meat heals my body and brain. So calming and fortifying, strengthening, an armour. Its helping me rebuild my life, and the weight believe it or not fixes itself. Maybe its another tool you could consider. Best wishes ❤
I agree on changing the diet part. Glad it's working for you but I went the total opposite route and became a vegan. I cut all meat, dairy, sugars and try to keep junk for to a minimal. Just by stop consuming dairy products I dropped a ton of weight instantly. Now I sleep better, I have more energy, my digestion has never been better and my skin and hair look amazing! All issues that I struggled with my entire life!
To the letter writer- when I get depressed and feel alone a go out of the house and pick up trash. There’s so much of it, it’s a free activity and so incredibly fulfilling. Hang out in the library with your son- it’s also free and hopefully he will fall in love with learning early in life. Get up early and meditate before your son wakes up. I’m addictive to it since finding Dr Joe Dispenza. Find a good and short meditation with no commercials to start with. Give them a good week so you can get hooked on. There are also short ones you can do with your son. He will benefit tremendously and could even lead him to finding out what he loves early in life. Good luck and there are many people rooting for you 🙏❤️
Blessings to the letter writer. Liz, you are enough and you and your son have each other! Be secure in the knowledge that life can get better. I'd add one thing to Anna's advice...please pray. Hugs!
I’m find having a mantra to say over and over to myself when stressed is helpful. When around some people and situations my emotions can takeover and I can’t think. For me I repeat “may the peace of Christ rule in my heart.”
You know when I was in foster care they've said in my paperwork and I quote that I'd" been through an inexorable amount of trauma" and I finally looked up that word and ... Uhhh who asked y'all and also how dare you be right?..... Having complex PTSD it's that's been untreated for as long as it has I didn't think was that alarming (8 years)until I realized how much trauma I've been through as an adult and how much I've been through as a kid was pretty much the same rate.trauma wounds for birthdays and Christmas still carrying my shit in bags not really sure why I got disowned again.
I know “Liz” personally she sent me this link and I must say her vulnerability and your honesty was incredible. Thank you for this video I know she appreciates it too ❤️
I love the way you talk about AA. My dads been sober 2 years (at 69 years old) and I’ve gone to meetings with him a few times - always grew up around AA folks cause my dad relapsed & got sober repeatedly throughout my life. It’s so humbling going to those meetings. I’ve been trying to make Alanon meetings but I always forget.
Sending love to the writer. Liz, you have a such an opportunity for a fresh start. You are just starting to heal and your life can get so much better. Be gentle and loving with yourself. I wish you the best and I know others here are cheering for you.
I've never wanted to give someone a hug more. You are so loveable Jacob. But love = Respect. That woman does not love you. Shes what is keeping you from the people that do.
Hello Liz, You're being too hard on yourself. You've had a lot to deal with, but out of it has come your precious child. I believe that you can turn the difficulties that you've both faced by nurturing each other. Also, try not to feel like a failure because of circumstances. Try to eat well and look after yourself physically, that will give you more confidence to start a new life. You need some time off, so try and find someone to help with childcare so at least you can look forward to some Liz time, which is so important as a lone parent. Children grow up so fast, and before you know, he will have moved on with his own life. Do the very best you can at the hardest job in the world. So you can look back and say I did a good job at motherhood. There's no rule book. It's a beautiful time being a mum. Don't let what looks like a disaster spoil the beauty of motherhood. My faith got me through. It also helped me not to feel alone. God bless 🙏
My mom wasn't maternal.. I ended up in dysfunctional relationships and abusive ones, I realise now non of them wanted me and I put that down to not knowing what it is to be wanted
@@Donley76 It’s actually pretty black and white. If someone is abusing you, you cut them out of your life. You don’t invite an abuser into your home. If they make amends and work on their character flaws, maybe it’s time to have an open heart. But the poster used the term abuser, ie present tense. People recovering from cptsd need to set healthy boundaries. Inviting someone who’s abusing you into your home for a long term living arrangement is not a health boundary and isn’t conducive to overcoming trauma.
@@Donley76 Well, you’re still seeking conflict despite knowingly coming from a traumatic childhood and still making excuses for abusers. So, Definitely DONT quit therapy. But for laughs, ask your therapist if they think it would be a good idea to let someone stay in your home for an indefinite amount of time, who has and is still abusing you. Let has us know how that conversation goes for you 👍🏻
My heart really goes out to her. She is in a good place to heal herself and her life and create beauty and stability and peace for her and her precious son. ❤️🩹🥰
Great description of the coming and going of grief, thanks! I appreciate your validating and encouraging responses to others. It's obvious you have done your own work!
My first love asked me to marry him a week before I left for overseas for 12 months and cheated on me. He was most likely seeing the woman when he asked me to marry him. I was devasted when I found out but broke up with him. He never contacted me again. I'm still heartbroken 40 years later.
Having CPTSD, I started becoming dysregulated at work when dealing with an abusive client and unsupportive manager, leaving me with adult PTSD. I left that job but had no new job to go to. The thought of looking for work is really frightening due to fear of being verbally attacked and bullied like before. I hope I can overcome my fears before I risk becoming homeless.
I encourage you to try Daily Practice. It is a great way to process fears and resentment. If you’re interested, you can try it for free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
You are the best thing ever happened to me Anna ❤ You are a gem 💎💎💎 If I hadn't learnt English I wouldn't have been able to listen to you. And I wouldn't have had the chance to get better. I would dig and dig in my local literature which is inadequate. Thank you so much. God bless you ❤❤❤ I'm listening to this in an April as well 🥰
I think any trauma survivor who doesn’t have a drinking problem needs to have really good boundaries in place and the ability to enforce them easily before going to AA. Even going to Al-Anon it can be hard to find people skilled in setting and keeping needed boundaries to not get back into the caregiving and rescuing role again
This is my case. Near the end of my life the worst trauma ever ( for me). Yes in theory l agree. Nothing is for nothing. I am preparing my way to blossom. But it’s taking so long ( more than 3 and a half years). Big money trauma leaving me without power. Feels like every direction l look l am blocked. I talk to no one about it out of pride and refusal to surrender to despair. I have always been a loner, retreating from the world despite several relationships. All results of intense childhood trauma.
I love the hopeful inspiration you gave for this young grieving mother. I’m wondering if she has applied for Social Security for her son since his father died. And for herself, she is eligible as a young widow if she was married. It would help relieve some for financial burden for the next 15 years and she may also be eligible for other programs to help. I’m widowed so I understand the sadness. My daughter was grown and it’s been 11 years for me, but there is happiness on the other side. ❤💔
Letter writer has a super hard situation, no doubt. BUT she has a 5 year old. He is the love of her life. She can have so much fun with this kid, they love playing silly games. Ask him to exercise with you, what a hoot I had exercising with my little son. So much fun. We told silly stories, we told about Whitey and Barkybark the imaginary dogs. We played Lumpy Pillow, let your son lie on the bed and then sit on the edge and lay back on him and let him be the lumpiest pillow ever and Loudly complain how you will never fall asleep on this lumpy pillow. Hide & seek, paper airplanes, cooking simple things (safely!), drawing, Nerf balls in the house, the list is endless. If he plays video games, you play too! lol he will win almost always but that's a good thing. Kids love to teach you skills they have. Don't worry about the smoking, take care of that later. Try to get physically healthier re overweight. Take your time. Love your 5 year old. Pretty soon he will be 20, trust me on this. Best of luck to you.
Lost my job, my gf, my perspective and the future I thought was ahead of me. And it isn't even my fault. I don't say this because I refuse to see my own failures, no. I'm a failure, I know that. But I was actually wronged, but I let it happened. And it happened before. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I'm just bad or broken in some way. I only get rejection and failure. I feel like turned off in every way except sadness and anger. I'm diagnosed with PTSD and severe depression. I am in therapy. Well, fuck that! Live goes on.
Hi. For what it’s worth (not judging)- it sounds like you seem to be succumbing to all or nothing thinking. “It’s not my fault”“I’m a failure” , “I’m broken” among other statements are usually to vague to be true. You’re here, you want help, you can work her program ( the resentment and fear journaling) , or possibly work a Cognitive behavioral worksheet which forces you to imagine the world through a different lens. Good luck man. Sounds like you got some tough times now and in the immediate future.
Love it. Wonderful and very inspiring advise. Would have liked to have heard an answer to the mentioned part that the 5 year old boy looks so similar to his dad and therefore is a constant reminder of his deceased father making a bit harder for Liz to move on. Or did I miss that part? 🤔
Wow I am lonely too, I had an eating disorder too , I and I went to a new school every single year too so I didn't make close friends because I couldn't bare to loose them, and and I'm alone with no family. Non.. no good friends. Friends who "loved"me but where are they now? I'm always FORGOTTEN. I'M FAKE IT BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO SEEM WEAK N I FEEL LIKE A BURDEN TO MY OWN LIFE.
~This was a good one!!!~I also quit drinking after a DUI~That made all of the DUI classes really awkward, cuz no one else was even considering quitting~I dont think im an alcoholic, tho~
I am an alcoholic and when I drink I get a craving for more alcohol. The body of an alcoholic process alcohol differently, breaking it down into acetone, which creates the phenomenon of craving. The more I drank the stronger the craving becomes. I figured out that total abstinence would stop the cravings and I no longer have a desire for alcohol. The 12 steps are good tools and I use them along with Cognitive Processing Therapy. These tools are better than alcohol for the emotional pain management so why drink now knowing that it doesn’t really work. I hope that helps you find more clarity going forward and I hope you find all the answers and healing that you need. Peace.
@@boxelder9167 ~Thank you!~Thats interesting about the alcohol breaking down to acetone~Drinking wasnt so much a problem for me as my hard drugs habit was, and i learned many years later, it was the street version of the medication id be given for a disorder i have, which explains why it worked so well for me~I choose to be sober of it anyway, tho, even if life would be easier on it~All the best to you, too!~
Would you say that for the daily practice it would be a good idea to as well as write the fears and resentments but write down the things you love too?
Yes, AA is awesome; however, you spoke words of wisdom, make good choices with your meetings, not all are healthy places. Those meetings that are healthy are a "profound atmosphere" to heal. Good advice: try 6 meetings.🌷
~Ill just throw this out there...i recently have read in several places, that MS is caused by parasites~You might want to try a 10 day parasite cleanse with food grade diatomaceous earth?~
Try to appreciate the fact that your (existential) victimization was forced on you by others. That through no fault of your own you were forcibly brought into this world to suffer. At least perceive the fact.
