Past Trauma Could Be Why You Struggle to Get Things Done 

I think I over-functioned most of my life but for the past 5 years or so I’ve been under-functioning. I get overwhelmed quickly.

I’m 43 with CPTSD & ADD (not to mention the often accompanying major depression & anxiety), and for pretty much my entire life I have felt utterly frozen, or like I have shackles around my feet and I just cannot do normal everyday things, even things I WANT to do. There have been certain times in my life that I’ve accomplished a lot in a short amount of time (however infrequent these times are) and when looking back, it makes me think “who the heck WAS that woman??” But for the most part, I’ve been so underfunctioning, I can only get done between 0-5% of the things I know I must do or want to do. I’m fine with making detailed plans, scheduling things, researching the things I need to get done and how to do it, meticulously organizing my calendar, setting up systems & processes, making lists (oh God do I ever make lists!), you know - all the prep work. I excel in prepping for what I’m ABOUT to do - oh but the doing, that’s where I totally flop. The execution part just feels undoable and has me in total freeze mode. It’s a feeling of extreme overwhelm, a bit of FOMO over the other things I’m not doing, and also not being able to prioritize. It’s also like I’m staging a little rebellion or protest against my duties & responsibilities, like my inner teenager is raging against my inner adult. And now I am where I am in life at this age with really not much to show for myself - no real career or stable vocation that I love or have stuck with for long, not many major accomplishments, no family or marriage, no assets or financial security, not many hobbies that I’ve stuck with or skills & talents I’ve developed (I have a zillion interests but never stick with anything long enough to get good at it), not many long-standing, dependable & healthy relationships or community, not a lot of stability, consistency or commitments, or any kind of a life that I’m proud of having built & sustained - all because I simply don’t function well enough to carry anything out and see it through, so I’ve made very little of my life (in my eyes anyway). Like I can barely keep plants alive. Essentially I don’t feel like an adult at all, but like I’m stunted at 8yrs old. Only until watching the content of this channel, did I begin to see it all this as a matter of dysregulation. Now what to do about…I’ll have to sort through your videos to find some answers and potential ways out of what I’m dealing with; like I said, research is a strong suit at least! Lol….Anyway, thank you immensely for your content, dear one. It’s miraculous.

I feel I had to be an adult way before my time. The pressure to “perform like an adult” was exhausting. Now that I’m an adult, I’m done “adulting”. It’s almost as if my life is in reverse. I never got the chance to be a carefree kid, with things being done for me. So now I feel like I’m making up for lost time by not doing things I’m supposed to do, ie. the “adult” stuff.

Fatigue is the killer of progress.

Inner child work helps me so much. I lie down and imagine I’m hugging and comforting my traumatized inner child and I tell her how much the adult she grew up to be loves her. This, and Anna’s video on dysregulation, and the Daily Practice helps. And I validate that your childhood was so unfair, unjust, and not asked for ❤

Your statement at about minute 19:00 " Every bad thing I've ever done was driven by loneliness. What about you? Right?" That is one of the most profound things ever! Ever!

Both at different times. Burnout from running around like Things will fall apart if I don’t, to being so defeated by my depression inertia that I do nothing about my life.

Almost everything with me is a struggle. One part of my brain is telling me all the things I have to get done. But the other half of my brain just can't focus on the things I need to get done, even when I can focus. It's like my thoughts get muddled and everything starts to weigh me down mentally and I just can't do anything. Even a simple phone call and take me hours to actually do. I know what I need to do, I know how to do it, but my brain just can't seem to actually do it. It's frustrating because I can be so much better off in life, but my brain has gone haywire, and I am stuck in Groundhogs Day.

Overwhelmed going into avoidance and then guilt beating myself up..round and round

I remember in my 20s when I began graduate school and living inn nyc, having to pay rent. And do internship, I would be so overwhelmed that I would go to “sleep” hide under my blanket and stay in my room all weekends or call out sick to my internship and procrastinate to do my assignment. I see that was my stress response to becoming adult, and not having role model in my parents and family of what a working person was and how to deal with stress of overwhelming responsibilities.

I struggle with this so badly. I still live at home helping my disabled mother and have acted as her surrogate spouse for years even before my narc father left in 2020. I feel such heavy guilt when caring for my needs and wants or making plans with my sister, my only friend. I occasionally dogsit for a family-friend but otherwise have no job. I don’t know what to do with my life and most days I honestly just want to sleep and never wake up. Thank you for all of your amazing insightful videos, Anna. I’m not sure what my next step should be or if I’m even ready to face reality, but for now I’m taking it day by day and trying to grow. ❤️

The gentle approach of explaining the connections and consequences in these stories is so reassuring. Many professionals who express their thoughts about certain personalities come across so harsh and it further confuses and brutalizes those trying to figure themselves out. Thank you for this format, the calm in your voice, plain talk and straightforward manner to get to the heart of a problem so people feel they have something useful to go forward with. After much therapy, I still feel like I'm masking during the sessions, trying to come up with something insightful to say about a plan forward but honestly, it's more upsetting than helpful. Really appreciate learning on this channel.

How does this woman not have 5 million subscribers?!

I feel that I’m behind in my life. I’m the latest bloomer. Hang in there Gemma. ❤

“There is so much time to have fun!” 💗 At the beginning of my decision to heal, I thought being “whole” was this neutral state I was trying to achieve. I thought that no longer giving in to emotional flashbacks with disregulation that would derail whole days and leave me in a spiral of depression and loneliness meant that I could have more “normal” days and do “normal” things. I had no idea that healing would NOT be neutral. The joy and “time to have fun” came as a complete surprise. From the outside that may seem obvious to others, but with my cloudy vision it just didn’t occur to me. When your brain isn’t in fight, flight, fawn, or freeze, you are able to think clearly and truly enjoy the world and the people around you. The rain cloud lifts and the sunlight encourages you to keep moving forward; keep doing the work. Healing is REALLY hard work, but you can do this. I believe in you. There is so much time to have fun!

I'm 63 and tried so hard for so long, I'm exhausted from surviving. More & more I'm feeling hopeless and that life has become pointless while my enthusiasm and energy to keep trying to hold on and hang in here is getting too hard. My finger nails are brittle from the effort.

I wish she had gone into more detail about this :( Over functioning can be the result of having to always do it all & still being in that mindset, having shame around the idea of slowing down or sitting still & it can also be a way of avoiding your thoughts regarding your trauma (whether you’ve identified the trauma yet or not). Under functioning can result from burn out after over functioning for so long or from dissociating (the brain’s natural way of coping- escaping the moment, basically leaving your body & making you basically an immovable zombie). It can be from not learning how to human so you’re just completely blindsided & overwhelmed. You could have also over functioned so much as a child/teen & find yourself under functioning now, confused what happened & it not be from burnout but rather from entering a new season of life that you don’t know how to operate. It can be overstimulation from never having been taught the proper way to regulate your emotions. It can also be your body’s natural way of forcing you to STOP when it needs you to process, heal, or rest. If you feel any shame for either of these (typically under functioning), ask yourself whose voice you hear when that that thought pops up. Was it your parent? Then examine where your shame actually originates from, whether or not it’s even valid..helped me to ask myself “the person who planted this guilt in me, do I even want to be like them??? No? Then why am I letting them dictate so much of my thoughts/behaviors?” (it worked for me, but you may need to explore that in your own way). Continue symptom searching within yourself. Figure out who you are & what characteristics you have, then fall into the rabbit hole of searching “this trait & childhood trauma” or “this trait & trauma”, the doors will open for you, the messages will come. Be patient with yourself, be loving to yourself, speak kind to yourself. 💓

I go between the two extremes. Sometimes I will get a surge of energy to fix a problem. Then as you say I would go into a low energy state and ignore other problems until I can muster another bout of energy.

Yes to BOTH of your questions. I have PTSD/C-PTSD and ADHD. I suppose it depends on my state of mind and stress level. I empathize with your writer. *hugs* Thank you for all that you do.

I'm 42 and just beginning to feel like I can start taking on the responsibilities of being an adult. Healing for me meant going thru all the developmental stages that I was supposed to have gone through as a kid and teen. I now feel like I'm 20-ish and just figuring out how to live alone and I'm about to graduate with my Masters degree. I didn't "individuate" until during this last year, and now I'm figuring out what I want to do with my life. It's very empowering and somewhat scary. Having tools to re-regulate has made a huge difference on my ability to get things done, and stop freezing or fighting or just feeling off and not able to function. My whole life I asked myself the question "how do I be?" Bcuz my #1 goal was to feel like I could function. I asked so many professionals and teachers how to function and most of them didn't even know what I was referring to. But this channel, and some successful EMDR I did, has helped me so much and be able to function. Thanks for these tools and the sense of understanding and compassion, and a community.

Don’t underestimate the cost of living in America, especially as a single female. Needing to move in with your parents does not necessarily mean you are unable to function normally as an adult. I lived in another country on my own for over a year (pay was much higher) and lived in a large, expensive city in America for several years covering all my costs of living without any help from anyone. Lived alone in a single apartment too, which is very expensive. Eventually I couldn’t keep up with the rising costs of living in that particular city and ended up moving back in with my parents. I don’t consider myself a complete failure because of that. Though I do wish I could do better.

There are many types of therapists. There are at least 11 theoretical approaches to therapy. When looking for a therapist ask them what their approach is. Some do just like to talk but there are “Solutions based therapists” who focus on concrete goals.

I am actually both, at first I freeze and then put everything off and then realize that I am the only one who is going to get things done, so I stress myself out even more and exhaust myself more getting it done when, if I had just done things sooner, I could have saved myself all of that extra burden.

Gemma, you did your job growing up great, now you're just tired. I get you, girl! We've all been there. 😘

Wow I'm so proud of this person for even just having the self reflection of wanting to do well for themselves... just that alone can be hard! 💗💗💗

The author's childhood breaks my heart. She is so strong. I'm sorry that she had to be at such a young age.

Oh, Gemma...you're amazing! A survivor now, no longer a victim. My past is slightly similar. It's overwhelming sometimes, it's just painful. I know first hand, healing hurts too. I am actively trying to reflect & heal. It's going to be SO worth it. We're SO worth it! Please stay strong. Sending love & hugs your way...x

Also writing down your success stories is important because most of us think that we have to do more to be enough.

There is also ACA - Adult Children of Alcoholics or dysfunctional families. Sooooooooo helpful! I’m currently working the new-ish Loving Parent Guidebook, and I love it. You don’t have to love, or do, or accept all of any program. As the 12 Step saying goes: “Take what you like, and leave the rest.”

I relate to this writer so much for me the biggest issue is that I over-functioned as a child and when I was a young adult but then something just went completely wrong - when I'm supposed to be prospering i am now under-functioning, I feel like I'm crap at "adulting". I don't know where that persistent child went. I feel like I was inadequate as a child and now I'm inadequate as an adult for different reasons.

I really appreciate how much you acknowledge that the process of only talking about ones trauma doesn't produce long-term healing. I am the classic cptsd person who went through the classic pattern of trauma dumping on anyone and everyone who crossed my path for many years, and every therapist I "dated" during these years only practiced CBT which I have always found incredibly unhelpful. It wasn't until I started seeing an EMDR practitioner psychologist where things really started to change. We did months of inner child groundwork, building trust and finding my dysregulation window of tolerance, and while I did still have to talk about certain events in detail when I was ready to process them, the EMDR did function to break those thought loops and eventually broke me out of my echo chamber of always talking about it. I started that four years ago and things have changed in the way my unhealed trauma manifests now. It's now mostly physical in the form of fibromyalgia (which I am still as mystified by as most doctors, I just call it my "physical unhealed trauma".) I am working through this aspect of it with various types of writing exercises, your daily practice being one of them, and while it's not all "gone", I am living fully again. After four years of unemployment, artistic disappointment (I'm a musician and writer), and financial destitution, I returned to school part time and got a great new job at the beginning of this year. I am acknowledging my needs and obstacles to my boss and profs and managing to soothe my self-sabotage tendencies with self-compassion. I rarely speak about the specific events of my traumatic past anymore, and when I do it's with (as you often suggest), people who I've developed deep trust with or were present in those times, and we discuss it with the aim of contextualising current circumstances and how to move ahead. This comment's turned out to be longer than I planned. Thanks for doing the great work you do! You do really give a lot of us hope and encouragement.

I’m 28 finally have a stable job doing something I’m proud of( helping humanity). I live on an island in the Caribbean next to Jamaica that doesn’t have reliable public transport, I moved out of an unhealthy family house and into an aunts house where I finally get peace of mind. I’m saving for a car and currently have to car pool with a friend to work. I’m trying to be more productive to become more than just the assistant in the work place.Growing up looks different for everyone hang in there as we all try our best🙋🏽‍♀️ my mom died when I was 7, my father was mostly unavailable all my life

Thank you. You’re godsent. I’m going to be 20 this year and I was gonna just gonna give up. Cause I thought I was a freak. It’s like a subconscious knowing I wasn’t ready yet. This videos help me see I can do it. I don’t want to but I can. So thank you for that

It seems CRAZY that I was so organized and competent FULLTIME from 14 to 40....NOW after many EVEN WORSE thefts , injustices severe injury and major natural disasters...I am going downhill fast...I qualify for all kinds of help but CANNOT GET IT TOGETHER to even fill out the paperwork....

Gemma, I am so proud of you! Now it’s time for you to take care of yourself. I waited for over 55 years and it is very challenging, but also so worth it! I wish I could give you a big hug! You can do it Gemma. I’ll pray for you Honey. 🙏❤️🙏

Take advantage of all the resources. You are not alone. You owe it to yourself to have a great life. We grow up feeling like so much is our fault or responsibility. It's not. I have never heard such truth as I hear on this channel. I'm praying for you right now

For me, it was overbearing parents who tried to make me as dependent on them as possible so I wouldn't leave. I got married and had a baby, once they realized I had other priorities in my life, they turned on me. I realized I can't be dependent on anyone but myself and God. It has made me tougher and finally start to take responsibility to take care of myself. Thank God I have a nursing degree which pays decent in the U.S.

Really good channel been collecting your vidios and signing up but not watching...forced myself to watch started crying when you read letter.

Just have to laugh! I worked at a deli, mayonnaise or mustard?? 😅 and had barely nothing...grateful for growth! No longer there and work daily to stay present. That is our gift 🌹🙏 God bless

Dear Gemma, you are an inspiration, a survivor. May you go from strength to strength and experience much love and peace. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story.

This is SO relatable! I appreciated your sharing some personal experiences and growth because up until now I've held you up as a lofty aspiration. Now I see your perfect imperfections and how you learned to love yourself. My personal solution has been to absolutely know that I can rise from the ashes, even when I only have the clothes on my back. I wake up and appreciate being alive in that moment, and I love the adventure that reveals itself as a gift to me daily. I chose happiness and claimed it. 💖

You are beautiful and so strong as you were when you were still that child who became a caretaker of others at such a young age. Love you Gemma. Love you too Ann. You are so beautiful and such a gift to us all.

Ha, waterproof combat boots and BBQ sandwich shop! Odd how looking back at what was at the time tough times fondly but that's independence! It is tough being the adult for your parent, spouse and anyone else that randomly walked by.... Inner child needs to be reminded how strong and capable you truly are everyday! ♥️ Never to late to do the things you loved as a child and find people to do it with either it keeps you young at heart and that's the best way to be. Play!

I'm rooting for you, Gemma❤️❤️👏👏

Oh, I wrote this before Anna mentioned it, and cannot currently edit. Much love and support to you Gemma. You are not alone.

Be careful about “the strongest sponsor”. Make sure this person is truly healthy her/himself. There are narcs and toxic people active in the 12 step programs as well. 3 decades in Alanon has taught me a lot of the good wisdom that I possess.

Yes what about some fun for Gemma? Rollerskating, rollerblading, cycling are all big now and make you feel like a kid in the best way. Gemma grew up out of sequence and can benefit from now retrieving the pieces she didn’t get to develop…

I love the idea of “rinsing the trauma away twice a day” by doing the Daily Practice.❤️

Gemma, so glad you are here with such a great group of people to help & support. You absolutely can figure out how to do adulting!

into the light thrust back in the dungeon, claw reach pull myself out, not again this fog is back. Wounds they keep being ripped open. Thanks Anna. Frozen in time.

I agree about what you said about talk therapy...biofeedback helped me alot.

Yep loneliness...just me and Jesus...

Yep recognize some of that letter...in generational issues..yeah...lots there.

I bawled learningher brother took his own life. My uncle did this aged 33 , 9 years and its still fresh and extremely hurtful 🙏🏻

Gemma, I am so sorry you had to go through that. You can do it Gemma, you can heal and have the life of your dreams. You can do it. I know I am just a stranger, but I believe in you.

I've been really good being productive even though I have PTSD. I think joining the Marines is one of the best things for someone with ptsd to do. The Marines always said I dont care how you feel just get it done. My wife struggles with codependency.

Gemma, your story, the advice and love from Anna so touched my heart 💜 Contrary to what you believe, you have already shown such courage and tenacity to this point and now you can allow that small Gemma to have a voice and express her fears and resentments in a safe and loving community if you wish. Wishing you much love and encouragement on your path of discovery. 😘

Thank you so much GEMMA. I really appreciate you writing. I’m dealing with being an underachiever. I’m needing to work on PTSD healing. My mama was an alcoholic, parents were abusive towards each other.. your writing made this view do available for me getting help too. Hugs!! ❤❤

Gemma, you are a true warrior and dragon slayer. You're rebuilding from rubble, and palaces aren't built over night. Take time to heal and rest. You've earned it!! Sending much love and light 🙏💐💕

I normally think it’s inappropriate to comment on someone’s appearance when that’s not what the content is about, but I saw another video where you shared that people criticize your hair. I LOVE your hair! It’s so shiny and the color is so flattering. And the middle part, bangs, and glasses are pretty close to my style too. So anyway keep on rocking it!

I am in those support groups doing 12 steps now with my sponsor these programs were introduced to me many years ago I was not ready until now thank you and yes love this topic

Oh boy.....once again...right on time... REALLY struggled waiting for MY caretaker for 30 years...because I took care of everyone else.

Wow relatable. Sending Jenna and all of us all the love and care we can give ourselves. All the love and care we did not receive it from those most important to us. Every story shared here reinforces my commitment to my own healing and today's lesson for me, is trusting I can "handle my life." Thank you Anna for your wise words again.

Overwhelmed, avoidance, struggling to take any action at all

I wish you’d also mention 12 step alternatives like SMART recovery and CRAFT. They’re similar to 12 steps but are more science based approaches. It’s great if 12 steps helped you, but it’s good to spread the word that there’s other free programs that might work better for other people.

Both overfx and underfx have been modes of operating for me.

I resonate with several parts of this story. The one part I want to address is that feeling of believing you need someone to take care of you. I struggled with that until I was in my late 40's. It kept me in a bad marriage for 18 years & I missed out on so many important things because my fear of not being able to survive on my own was running my life. Here's what I learned: for me that fear came from what my life was like throughout my childhood...it was a trigger that was regularly set off & I was constantly disregulated because of it. I came to speak to that part of myself, & often....I still do. I remind her/myself that I am an adult now, I am not in the same situation, I have resources (people, community, ability to work even if it's been a less than awesome job in the past). That I have handled a LOT in my life, & I can handle anything....I can find help if I need it. That fearful child part needs to be heard & acknowledged so that the adult part can run well & do the things that need to be done to make a living & build a life. My greatest fears DID come to pass & I lost everything (job, home, partner). I showed up for myself & got out of what seemed like an impossible situation & I am on a path still to keep improving my life/work situation. I am in my 50's now. I am safe. I can take care of myself & I KNOW it...this is the greatest feeling I have ever had in my life. I am giving myself what I never got as a child. Mourn the loss of a proper childhood, & keep working to give yourself what you need. I promise you can do it even if you don't believe it right now.

What a blessing you are Anna, thank you for all you do!

... ❤️🙏🏻🌹 thank you dear Anna, ...God bless you...God bless you all beautiful people... 🙏🏻❤️🌹

Lovely Gemma,you CAN and you WILL heal!!!!follow the advice of this great team of CCF and our wonderful Anna!our love and support is with u!

Yes! I think this all the time. The hell made me who I am today and I’m thankful for who I am

By the time I was 13, I remember walking to school and feeling so self-conscious and finding it hard to walk in a natural way because I had so much tension in my calves. I didn’t realise at the time that the stress going on at home could affect my body so powerfully and was so cross at myself for not ‘snapping out of it.’

Dang this actually describes me. I over function and I under function. I go back and forth.

Dear Anna, you help me get through the day. Thank you.

Love this channel! Anna; you are amazing and do an amazing job! ❤️ Thank you for all insights!

Thank you so much, your kind manner and understanding is a big part of the education that you provide. I’m 60 and I never know if it’s « just CPTSD or ADHD. In either case, not heaping on the inappropriate guilt and self-inflicted name calling is such a healer…thanks again for all that you do. I recommend your channel to all of my friends

Anna: “Are you the person who…. Or are you…?” Me: “Damn … I’m BOTH!” 😱☹️😞

Hi Anna, this was such a great video for me. Your words to Gemma were so loving and helpful. Thank you so much for sharing about your own experiences, loved the part about the hot chocolate! But also about being stoic. I am seeing how frozen I've been and why. I'm a big 12-stepper too and qualify (and have attended) so many - AA, OA, EA (Emotions Anonymous, also great for C-PTSD sufferers), Al Anon, SLAA, DA and ACA. I'm in only ACA right now and it is saving my life. This was a longer comment than I thought it would be. Thank you so much, again.

Thank you Anna. I so appreciate your insights

Thank you for posting this. I am still surrounded by toxic elements and hearing your words has reminded me how far I’ve come and that I do have the strength to resist them and find healthy connections elsewhere. 💕🤓💕

Gratitude!!! I'm so grateful for stumbling on this information, because I can relate to what you are teaching. I was told that I didn't develop into a full adult,. I finally have the words to describe what I am dealing with, I over eat, and I'm with someone like my mother, and father .

Dear Anna, Jemma & Team Fairy Thanks for sharing this letter and Anna's response. So beautiful & powerful, I felt this in my Soul. Well done to all you Brave Ones out there. I'm in awe. Love you lots 🥰❤🤗

You are such an intelligent and good person. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you for all the good information you share with us Anna! Love you!❤

#breakthrough moment 'you're not a child you are just dysregulated. That makes these moments of embarrassment palatable and opens a doorway to less shade. I am an adult but triggered I reenact childhood trauma. I'd love to see a video going deeper on this.

Thank you for listing the programs. I didn't know these existed.

You've got this, Gemma. We are all here for you. You are awesome! 🥳❤

Yes, I agree. Al-Anon is a life saver. So wonderful.

I was over and now I’m under. I still keep a clean but cluttered house. I definitely feel for this story. Although I have to give this gal credit for wanting to make her own way. I’m older and the economy is so much harder to make a good living . When I went out on my own a person didn’t need 3,000 dollars to get a place to live. It is a huge stress on our kids. And when I say kids I am talking folks thirty and younger. This generation is dealing with so much more then I ever had to think of back in my youth. So yea, self determination is the key. There is where you get strong. I’m proud of you too. Keep on keeping on.. 😎

Well said, my work on myself has also made me realize aware and accepting what happened in past critical however dwelling on it over and over=little progress

Oh for sure. I don't study for months and it's easier when people expect nothing from me. Let's not talk about my inability to wash up the dishes. The kitchen was the battlefield with my mum and I was the adopted slave. When she smashed me across the spine from one should to other side hip with a wooden broom stick I smashed her favourite antique hierloom vase on the floor at my feet. Then she used the family to attack me and beat me. So how to get rid of that because that is the underlying factor. Lots of other stuff happened to me in the kitchen too. I will definitely do the quiz. As well as find ACA. Inspirational talk, thankyou so much

This “Gemma” sounds like me, but I have deteriorated so much to the point that I can’t work. I have so many labels that are undesirable for many, so I live in isolation. I can barely accomplish household chores. I don’t have support. I can’t sleep. I can meditate but that’s it. I love your content though. I just wish it was easier to make it in society.

Love your work. Thank you.

I’m thankful for a therapist to draws me away from the past.

I don't usually subscribe at first, but I already did with this video. This resonate so much with me.

Such helpful information and I believe In. Recovery.

This was beautiful and so very loving in tone! Gemma, I used to freeze. One thing I'd add is spiritual healing. Personally, I found much healing in Christian Orthodoxy.

whyndo you always hit the nail in the head? you gave the exact reason for me in this topic and you did, too, with the other topic i watched yesterday. my lige has been a constant struggle. 😢😢😢

Thank you so much!