Dating & Relationships | Dan Ariely | Talks at Google 

- 11:40 Partners in a successful relationship convey the amount of work they're putting into it - 19:03 Consider "opportunity cost" when selecting a partner - 24:40 Use a "canoe test" or other mildly stressful situation to gauge a compatibility - 34:39 Market asymmetry magnifies differences in negotiating power or "date-ability" - 46:10 Dating websites cheat users by using shortcuts that convey little about what people are actually like, while at the same time letting users show off only their most positive aspects - 54:40 First date idea: Bring a favorite book and describe it

Today is a special day because I discovered Dan Ariely (on youtube :)

Dan Ariely never disappoints, this was a great talk.

1. The ending matters a lot: like dessert after dinner 2. Leave something for the imagination 3. Share meaningful store: ask & share personal questions 4. Playing hard to get works: cognitive dissonance 5. In a relationship, it is a good idea to show/share your effort 6. Short-term decisions prevent you from investing deeply in it 7. Friends & family are better at measuring long-term compatibility 8. Fundamental attribution error: how much do you blame your partner for bad events - canoeing test

this looks like it was shot in the 80s

It is interesting to hear him talk about "playing hard to get," because in my reading, specifically on attachment theory, what playing hard to get gets you, is someone who doesn't want someone who is actually available. Playing hard to get, I've read, tends to attract people who have issues with emotional intimacy. Then too, there is such a thing as being too available - so there's a balance in there somewhere between not being too unavailable, and not too available.

The major problem with people playing hard to get is that if some person genuinely does not want to get into a relationship it confuses the person who is hoping for a relationship. The person who is hoping doesn't understand if the other person is just playing hard to get or is just not interested.

i never thought i could listen* to a person talk for 58 minutes straight!

I am a woman and I have developed a flowchart for my (biennal = once every 2 years) dates. This is randomisable. 1) Are you good to each other? (Empathy) No -> Stop Yes -> Go to step 2 2) Do you communicate well? (Communication) No -> Stop Yes -> Go to step 3 3) Does you back eachother when there is a problem? (Reliability) No -> Stop Yes -> Enjoy the ride! :)

I really like the day-to-day apartment lease analogy! What he said about playing hard to get kinda caught me off guard though, as I know from first-hand experience that it could turn your life into an emotional rollercoaster if you are a serial overthinker and/or have lower self-esteem.

God I wish I have discovered Dan earlier. These perspectives are so amazing! Thank you!

This is the first time I have seen Dan Ariely. He is very interesting and I really enjoyed this talk.

Can't believe Dan never had Google talk. Awesome!

The canoe test is a good test for relationships. Trust me, it can predict a lot about how things will turn out.

This was perfect, so interesting, this man is an excellent speaker👏🏻

I like the way he’s thinking! He looks at daily situations and most common attitudes from an above point of view without getting involved by himself. This is the best way to live your life. Don’t get let you get involved into the normal perspective of your daily personal lies. You’re not only betray others but mostly you betray yourself! Learn to accept that you’re not as perfect as you pretend to be. BE YOURSELF! You’re a unique type of mankind... Never let anybody live your life!

damn Ive been thinking about that whole blame the world thing since i was in elementary. by 8th grade I only blamed myself. that helped me excel exponentially in all aspects of my life. i forgot about that. i stop blaming myself because everyone said i try to hard. this video reminded me that i need to blame myself because how else do you get better without recognizing what's wrong, without seeing where you are weak/lacking, i just got to be constructive about it. I haven't been excelling in the last 4 years, because I stopped blaming myself. Ive been stagnant and staying still is the same as going backwards because not moving forward, is not moving forward.

I have always done day-dates. That what I call them but they don’t necessarily have to be in the day. I don’t believe that dinner and a movie is a good first date at all. I things like going to a fair or carnival, an amusement park, or something a tourist would do. Maybe like zip-lining, or some activity that is more likely to make each other less nervous, share an activity, and have something to talk about. You can discuss your opinion on say the booth you just left, or ride you just went on, or the thing that was for sale. Then if it passes a meal time then what you are eating is not fancy or stiff and you don’t have to worry about the other person watching you eat to see if you are an animal or not. It’s carnival food. You’re expected to eat half human-like and half animal-like. It also gives you something in common to talk about on your next conversation after the date. It has always worked out great. Even if I knew the person wasn’t for me it still wasn’t a horrible time unless the person is just a complete ass. And in that case, you are lucky to see that side right away and you can always stop the date at anytime if they are a jerk. But I haven’t really ran into anybody horrible. Just people who aren’t the right fit or in some cases a great fit. I highly recommend it. But for God’s sake, don’t go to a museum! Unless it’s like a science museum or an aquarium. No staring at art unless you already know 100% that you two of you are both art fanatics. Even like a sporting event can do great if you both are into that sport. It’s a great way to get to know that person way better than a dinner that you both are nervous at and a movie where you don’t talk.

Even after all these years this talk is relevant

Great information. Thanks Dan.

Such an insightful talk, learned tons of new things. Can't thank *Talks at Google* enough for all these talks! Thank you!

Great talk, one of my all-time favorites Dan and one of my new favorites, Amy!

7 years later. Tinder killed realistic expectations in women completely.

People laughed at the woman that only picked 2% of men. This is closely aligned to the statistical data that is about 5% on dating apps. Clearly, because women are constantly complaining about the state of dating and relationships. Their pickiness is filtering out the men who want relationships and selecting the men who just want sex or casual interactions.

Can you guy set up a MOOC on behavioural economics ...I think a lot of people would love and benefit from it

What you say is much wiser than those said in many videos with million clicks!

It changed my perspective

47:00 Maybe I am odd but I would love a restaurant like that. I believe that it all comes down to knowing our true motive to eat or the true motive we have to meet a person...it needs to be properly defined.

Really Enjoyed. Thanks so much for sharing!

this was a cool talk. insightful

Playing hard with me will not work at all. I think is not such a good advise. If you make it difficult you are telling me "I'm not interested". Long term commitment and work fully in the relationship (both feet in) is really a key point indeed. I agree in this.

First off I'd like to say I enjoyed the lecture. I learned something about myself and maybe why I never married. I was never all in with anyone. So unfortunately the information is about 40 years too late for me, but I will pass it on. Around the 20 min. mark and the secretary scenario, wouldn't the person have that "one foot in, one foot out" feeling about the "temporarily trying you out" situation? The employer may not get their all from the temporary worker. Thank you, cindy

This guy is great

I think we should leave dating and looking for mates as a natural process rather than getting into the science behind it. A badly gone date is also necessary to learn about different mates.

Love the canoeing tip! 😊 Next guy I start to date I’ll go canoeing 😅

Very cool stuff!

32:05 So how is that a gap in income if men and women aren't doing the same job? Dan's example doesn't demonstrate similarity in work at all: one works in tech, while the other from home, in fact, in the home. So how is that an income gap for "same work, but different genders, so different pay." Very intelligent discussion, but this confounding was a little surprising.

This should be a ted talk . Great video .

Biggest takeaways: -What truly matters to people is the end of situations or experiences, because that's what people remember the most. -Forget generic, boring questions like "what's your job?" or "where did you go to school?" because they don't form any deep bond and don't show the person's true colors. Instead, use the 36 questions formula. -Your perception of an objective is correlated with how much effort and hard work you put into it: things that are easy are not worthwhile. And even more, it's not only the effort but SHOWING and EXPLAINING and CLARIFYING the effort to the outside and the other person. -Imagine that you have an apartment. And you have a deal with the landlord that the lease is day to day. And every morning you wonder if you want to extend the lease. How much would you invest in the apartment? Would you paint the walls, buy flowers, fix the doors? Of course not. You'd continously be with one foot out. So if you have that short term thinking, your investment in the relationship will be low. -The canoeing test for a relationship: when you canoe, unexpected or stressful events occur like hitting rocks, flipping over, getting wet from waves. The question is, how much do you blame the other person? The fundamental attribution error is the idea that when bad things happen to us it's not our fault and we blame external events, but if it happens to other people, it's their fault and we blame them. When things happen out of our control, we tend to blame the world, but if it happens to other people we tend to blame them. So it's a great situation to simulate. -Love marriage versus arranged marriage: arranged marriage tend to improve over time in contrast to love marriage that spiraled downhill over time. -An effective date where you can see the other person's character includes: solving puzzles, showing meaningful objects, facing moral dilemmas.

this guy is good

There is more to it: why the online profiles are still meaningless? Lots of dating startups, lots of established websites and not improvements over all these years? The answer is .. profit! The less meaningful profiles are on the site, the more people search and keep on searching. And pay the companies for the subscription. If suddenly all dating apps\websites could match people well, then these apps will have much fewer users (and less profit).

28:14 This is a good example of how political correctness gets in the way of telling facts or discussing research. Dan had no problem "triggering" aka offending some people in the audience, Logan Ury apparently had.

Nice. Learned something.

22:03 So does infatuation usually overshadow the remainder of the relationship?

49:00 but friendship and relationships are different in many ways. Unless of course if we are talking about arranged marriage. I'd like to see data on random roommates becoming good friends. But if not equating arranged marriage to friendships, then sure, I'll buy it.

I agree it might be good to have an "outside" woman (whether affair or non) for a man to talk about relationships with, but I'll add that I think it's just as helpful and important for a woman to have an "outside" man (affair or non) to talk about relationships with. Talking about how to deal with men amongst other women usually doesn't turn out to be particularly wise or successful.

The explanation at 19:50 is very insightful! The whole discussion is very nice to learn from.

good,i am reading this woman s book recently

So women care about height and income, while men care more about BMI. I can say that is close to the wealth and status vs youth and beauty preference that we know about.

Genuine information that's non-biased, polarising or obfuscated, love it can't say the same for JP though.

1:43 Tips on designing the perfect date

Does anybody found exact paper about arranged marriages? I found only Marriage Satisfaction and Wellness in India and the United States (by Jane E. Myers, Jayamala Madathil, and Lynne R. Tingle), but it's defenietly not "so huge" as DA putted here. Thanks!

15:27 This gets really interesting from here

16:03 did that girl just sleep in the middle of such an gripping lecture!!! I mean wtf!!

Dan is a modern day Einstein.

great talk. really informative. so we girls really should play hard to get to leverage the cognitive bias. the canoe test and the 20 questions for dating are brilliant. Dr. David Buss had great insights into looking at 4 or 5 characteristics we should look for and prioritize in choosing: 1 intelligence 2 compatibility 3 physical attractiveness 4 commonality 5 values

Does anybody have the reference for that math problem he talked about?

Can someone make a 500 word essay about this video pleaseeee🥺🤝🏻

The Ashley Madison thing is BS, there are no women on the site, 90% of the female profiles there are fake. However I would agree with the part where he says when women start to make more money they start looking to trade up to a better more successful partner.

It always amuses me how the academic researchers who study human sociosexual interaction end up coming to the same conclusions as the PUA community, albeit in a much slower, more roundabout way. Glad they are doing this research, although if you want to learn from the real experts in this field, you should check out teachers with serious experience doing this in real life, like Todd V or RSD!

She should not have cut him off at the end he was making a point.

This seemed to be cut short

Note to self: make 20,000 more

why prevention of the fights should be the goal???

Magnificent content; parallel to a book I deeply respect for its intelligence. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint

Where do we get the list of 20 questions?

After watching this, men will be reporting their height in half inches. $20,000 is a lot of bacon.

go to gym, make big muscles and say your scars are from fights. If they dont believe it, say something like this: "once I tried to bench/deadlift/clean and jerk 700 kg and my bicep tendon snapped and ripped out the whole biceps all the way to my spine and torn my skin all around my body thats where my scar comes from”

What is Hinge? Never heard

I was having lunch when he went into details about colonoscopy.

Yes he right so Though that has a lot to do with the woman's maturity as well what she might want is a young woman a middle aged woman and an older woman in a man. My imagination is great but when I'm with the person it's always much better than I imagined always.

‘What did you Learn from Google Talks?’ “Things Happen!”

40:09 - What's happening with the woman sitting in front of the man asking the question?

What's funny is that the thing that makes relationships last is the fact that the couple were friends - they're each other's best friend. Romance probably isn't at the top of people's minds at the 30 year mark. If after only a handful of years the romance disappears, that's rather strange and I don't think that's as a result of prioritising friendship and leaving out romance.

49:45: but if the companies got effective people would find their partners quicker and not use their service anymore

12:55 Who is Kayak? Whats the name of this show?

Niki lauda fez uma companhia aérea. "You don't own me"

I've never clicked like so fast, damn.

Where have I been besides here now

When she said "That's a good note to end on" I thought, "Dang, I wish I could hear him talk more"

49:45 easy come easy go?

🦁🙋🏻‍♂️HEY FIVE!

anyone know where i can get those 20 questions lol

Had Paul McCartney gone to MIT...

Isn't Okcupid more like what Ariely is calling for?

Is there an experiment on how much efforts do I put in a relationship as compared to how much efforts does the partner put in...

💘

What q? the animal q, If you could have any animal as a pet, what would you have and why? The why is what qualities they value in a mate.

Thumbnail legit looks like a still from The Price is Right

i'm really sceptical about that wage gap argument.

Jordan Peterson should consider this in relation to the gender pay gap

25:00,38:14,46:15

So what's men's favorite BMI???

Nassim nailed it, Extremistan - winner takes all! In love, the modern version, and generally in life! Why? Because there's one virus without a cure, rampant among men. Greed. Kyrie eleison!

Fyi, San Francisco has the most single men per single women in the US.

34:44 101 women game

15:06

Well, TRP.

Those are merv griffins drapes

Arranged marriages working out better makes sense when you think about it. Your parents are choosing for you and your parents, especially your mother knows you better than you know yourself. So when it comes to picking a spouse that is compatible it makes sense that your mom could choose a better match for you then you, yourself can. FYI this is just my own thinking. I am not nor do I know anybody who has had an arranged marriage.