DM's, What line of yours had you going, "I can't believe I'm actually saying this"? #3 

"Did...did you just...behead the BBEG..with an invisible, non-existent FISH!?!" The PC was a mime.

So I’m apart of the campaign that said “Are you trying to give the Drake a lapdance” and it was one of the most glorious things to come out if a DND session.

"We'll have plenty of landmines, there are churches all over the place!" "No, the goblin will NOT sleep with you, regardless of how many wheels of cheese you offer him." "As it turns out, Immovable Rods are VERY helpful in interrogations" "Bow before my ultimate power! A thousand years of cheese-related suffering upon you!" "I don't care if you roll a nat 20 ten times in a row, that goblin isn't having sex with you. Cheese. Will. Not. Change. This."

Me after rolling a nat 20: I look out the window and yell “ITS MY MONEY, AND I NEED IT NOW!” DM: A devil appears in the summoning circle, he’s wearing a business suit and is holding a briefcase with the name JG Wentworth emblazoned on it.

"The sun fails its DEX save" Why do i instantly think about hollow knight?

"You fire your crossbow, look at me, look at me, the crossbow, not the bolt. Your weapon launches out of your hand and smashes into the bandit. The bolt hangs in the air for a comically long period of time before clattering to the road. Roll your weapon damage and sneak attack, nobody saw that coming." It was a game of Waterdeep Dragon Heist and this was my 3rd character in 3 sessions (the dice were out to get me I swear) and I rolled a nat 1 on my attack roll. The gm had cleared with us he wanted to reward nat 20s and allow for shenanigans on nat 1s. So...task failed successfully. I lost my crossbow but, I killed the bandit.

"no, you cannot [bed] the voice." "What do you say to the pizza mafia janitor?" "The dragon has imprinted on you. Congratulations, Frog, it's a boy."

My DM gave me, a goblin rogue, a sword that extends in length whenever I say 'thunder'. The only reason I could hold it was because of my belt of hill giant strength. So I, a small character, went under a large enemy and repeated the word thunder as many times as I could, holding the sword straight up. My DM: "You successfully skewer the monster in the but with you extending sword."

“My game has devolved into a very intense debate on how best to sort moss.”

Not the DM, but the player that caused the line to be said. “Roll persuasion to teach the vampire leech about consent” One had jumped out at us in a swamp, and I had already cast speak with animals to talk to other wildlife (yes, I’m a druid lol) and when it was slithering towards us it was saying something about sticking its proboscis under our skin to inject eggs into our flesh. My druid kindly stepped aside and said “Uhm, hi. No thank you. That’s quite rude. You should ask before trying to inject eggs into someone.” I now have the label of “Teacher of Consent to Animals” after a few other wildlife run-ins

My Wife received this sentence for one of her favorite characters. "The Bandits loved you so much that they gave you a small wagon, enough food for the Party for a week, and waved tearfully as you left them." She had successfully avoided battle by greeting the Bandits cheerfully and fixing all their equipment. I, on the other hand, got the DM to say "You want to use your Warforged, in Spiked Armor, as a fishing lure?". "Yup!"

Barbarian/rogue gnome: (rolls nat 20) "I strip naked set my self on fire and charge the camp."

New player learning mechanics asked to "insight check" a hundred year old skeleton, thinking that meant investigating for clues. I replied, "the skeleton is thinking 'oh yes I am incredibly dead'".

"I use Mind Link to project ASMR of me chewing food into his mind" This was conceived by our Kalashtar party member as a form of torture originally, and afterwards as a running joke when one of the party members or NPC's would annoy them too much.

YAAAS MY DRAGON LAPDANCE STORY MADE IT!!!!

"You turn into a dolphin while falling 300 meters above sea level." "No, just because the player hasn't shown up for two game sessions does not mean you can sell their Goliath barbarian as a slave to a halfling farmer." "How did we get to the point where the cleric is the most evil member of the party and the rogue is the moral compass?"

I think I broke my DM the other night. He wasn't expecting me to release a mindflayer but damn it I was gonna do the thing. "I thought you were true neutral! Why are you going chaotic evil‽"

While i think the "weaponized Hutt porn" from the last one is still my favorite, these are all still really good lol

The Cult of Rick Astley is now the state religion after a time skip.

“Fine. You beat the seven foot tall demon in Rock Paper Scissors and he lets you pass.” The demon was supposed to be a mini-boss for my party to try out their new weapons on, and they rolled a D20 on persuading it to play them in Rock Paper Scissors instead of fighting.

No you can’t eat your way out of the dragon.

Context: I made a one shot based on a short story from Philip K Dick about people suddenly thinking they are plants. Never in a million years did I dream that the first run of this one shot would have this conversation. Basically after already talking to one of the people affected by the curse, the rogue suddenly got an idea: Me, the DM: "Can you mind please, I'm attending to my plantly duties" Player: "I can help you with your plantly duties if you give me your stuff" Me: "Please refrain from touching my vessel" Player: "No, your vessel?! No dude, common. If you let me touch your vessel, I'll be able to help you with your plantly duties" Everyone burst into laughter and he barely was able to say this line without laughing

"You rub the soap all over the other orc's body, you may now try to push him out of the hole... with advantage."

I had fully prepared this response for just the right occasion Me DM: "You successfully seduce the red dragon. Roll a con save" Horny Bard player: "wha-what?..." Me: "I typically do a fade to black in these sorts of scenarios, but instead, I'm going to get you to create an account on any furry porn site of your choosing, then search for the tags 'male dragon' and 'through and through penetration'. That is what will follow for the next *checks watch* 2 hours. The party looks on horrified as you are submitted to becoming a fleshlight for what is essentially a barbed tree trunk." *looks to the cleric* "are there any healing spells you would like to cast?"

Something I said as a player: “Can I roll sleight of hand to tie my rope to (the tabaxi gloomstalker ranger’s) tail so I don’t lose track of him?” Since he was a gloomstalker, he was invisible in the dark. Even to the party.

I had one that was " okay so you found a crockpot the size of your torso

"I mean, their cleric is busy petting a giant lizard, so the paladins are just kinda watching her." if it isn't already obvious, my cleric character found a giant lizard in a dungeon and couldn't resist petting it.

Look Ma, I'm on Mr. Ripper! Anyway, since you liked the last ones here's 2 more. As a DM: "Jerry isn't going to be your friend because you tried to eat him not 5 minutes before!" Said to the player of an agressively Omnivorous Kenku, a young child. He still tried to iniaite friendship, which led to Jerry the Cultist yell "He's still Staring At Me!" As a Player, said to me: "The encounter is over guys, the Druid just killed all the water spiders! I can't believe you had that spell prepared, NOBODY has that spell prepared!" Said after I decided to cast Create or Destroy Water on Water Elemental Spiders. This was the 2nd time the DM had gotten my druid stuck in water that acted like spiderweb. I decided to get rid of the web... and by coincidental extention the spiders. Years later, he would do the same to me when I threw an actual Water Elemental at him. One failed con save after half a fight later and guess who got the last laugh? That's right, the both of us.

"Alright, I'm going to need you to roll Arcana to see how to use the ancient Stardragon Laser." "Okay, so you're going to try to Thunderwave this jackass dwarf into lava?" "Okay since you're so in tune with nature, roll Animal Handling to not have the Lava Flail Snails freak the frick out and attack."

If you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew , you knew season 1 me, we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot

I take quotes for my dungeon party. They go into a Google doc that all the players have access to. I rather enjoy having the quote books, mostly because it allows me to remember the stupidest things my players (and I) have said. My players favorite quote from me is probably "it's a roast beef sandwich," Context about that quote. One of my players had taken a hit, they asked me how much damage they took. At the time I was eating a roast beef sandwich. Before I answered that question another player asked what I was eating. So I answered that one, "it's a roast beef sandwich," which made the entire party laugh. (We play on zoom and the player who asked what I was eating asked through private chat. Which made it even funnier, because I then had to explain why I said what I did,) Anyway, it's now a running joke that happens ten to eleven times in a campaign. Though my personal favorite quote is probably "No, let him blow himself up," One of my players, the character's name is Ace, was trying to get rid of a powder that could kill the NPC they were all attached to. Instead of giving it to someone to use it for medicine, he took it outside and tried to light it on fire. When that didn't work he used fireball to try and light it on fire and/or blow it up. One of the other players asked the NPC (who was watching this from her window while getting ready for a VERY important meeting) if he should stop Ace. WITHOUT HESITATION I answered "No, let him blow himself up," in the end he didn't die. Though he was very close to it. In either context I was not prepared to say either of those things. To say the least, I was completely dying from laughter in both cases.

In one campaign I was part of, a player asked, "Is this a door?" The DM replied, "No, that's a vampire."

One of my players shouted last session, " we have to save my baby daddy cause I ain't gonna raise no child." For context, one of my players got impregnated by a fey who wanted "your firstborn." When the player said, "ok let's do this," I had to pause, shrug , and admit that was my fault.

Had mine running a session last night. "The giant octopus chambers over the stone railing, slowly crawling up to the [30ft tall, missing face] statue." Later followed by: "You look through the arrow slit and see the octopus climbing up the statue, into the void of its face and dissapearing" Curse of Strahd, player had the teeth of Dalvar nahr and summoned a mage, a spectre, and a giant octopus. In the amber temple.

"so, you just mom-ed the flesh abomination to death" -Me, who just wanted to run a horror one-shot.

“The Kraken swallows you whole” said to the Elven Ranger, who was attempting his best Jack Sparrow impression by vaulting himself into a Krakens gaping maw and attempting to “stab it from the inside”

The DM proundly declaring, after making roll everything under the sun after getting several nat 20's on disguise, bluff, and perform as they inspected my kobold hiding under towershield pretending to be a table to avoid arrest, rolls a nat 1 on move silently "The guards arrest the talking table"

"You can now identify any building materials, but only if you're thrown into said building material." Said to me by my old Shadowrun GM because my Elf gunslinger adept had a tendency to be thrown into things

Critical Role c2. Matt Mercer said "How do I want to do this". His own npc killed the bbeg in the cathedral fight.

Last session, my party was attacked by a group of mercenaries who were trying to kill then in their sleep. After burning the inn they spent the night in, killing most of the rogues, and deciding to capture the last one, my blood hunter decided to ask “Can I use eldritch blast as non lethal damage?” I let him… max damage… “You blow his leg off, and is now bleeding on the burning floor. Might wanna go grab him.”

I was a player in this campaign, but the story stands: DM: "You... Successfully convinced the mimic that the only thing it's able to eat is wood." DM, later, in the same campaign, to the same player: "..... You successfully convinced the new mimic that its only capable of eating metal." PC became known in our party as "the mimic whisperer" 😂

"Because you sat on the fire for so long, the pressure in your hidden compartment builds up to a point where the remaining water flash boils....and you blast the carcass crab eggs out your ass, coating your companions in mucus and rotten yolk." So I let my players have a bit of fun and be a little goofy, with few/no rolls, and some RP while they setup camp. Biggest mistake ever knowing what my players are like and what they had. After defeating a carcass crab, our Brilliant Warforged Artificer decided to let our Bard insert the Carcass Crabs eggs found in its nest from the previous battle into his hidden compartment (located in his rear) in order to "be the first warforged to create life! /give birth". The bard then Nat 20'd on convincing the Warforged player to sit on the fires edge in order to incubate them. We all had tears in our eyes from laughing so hard as i tired to choke out the description of the event between gasps for air. Good times.

HOLY COW!!! I didn't think my dragon water balloon story was interesting enough to make it in A surprise to be sure, but a welcome one

DM: “Alright FINE, the mob boss is named Don Giorno and you can call him D’giorno for short” Party Paladin investigating magical drug ring “Mr. D’giorno, do you really expect me to believe you didn’t deliver these drugs?” DM: “i regret this choice”

"You send a baguette into his large intestine"

these stories are why we love DnD. thanks for wrapping up a long day with some humor, brian.

PANR has tuned in.

Not the dm "you reach out to snatch one of the wizards glowing rocks (rolls a 1) but instead you make full eye contact and grab his junk"

In a one-off I did in middle school the DM I was with was very cool and knew the game well. He allowed me to worship my own god as a cleric, leading to the line: "So you worship.. a duck.. with alcoholism?"

*Me, misunderstanding my Players:* "Hold on. You want to mount your rifle on his Shoulders? Ok, roll Tinkers Tools check." Player: "Is it a monster?" DM: "Your 24 and play D&D! Do I seriously have to tell you what a Gazebo!?!" *While playing Basketball against Ogres* "He still thinks she (one of the players) is the basketball, soooo, I guess he tries to dribble her." (Two nat 20 Attacks later) "And to everyones surprise, the force of the dribble is so powerful, she bounces. Is anyone going to try to intercept the ball as he appears to be going for a slamdunk?" *sign* "I have finally made your characters life long dream of becoming a vegatable a reality." "Pocket Snake! Sheshesheshesha." "Oh my god... Fine, the Snake goes into your pants instead. Happy?" "Being dead does not count as a long rest." "Yes, it (A Red Dragon) evacuated its bowels, though your not sure if that happened before or after your cut its head off." Player 1: "I am going to investigate his (Player 2) extra parts." (Rolls before I can say anything) Player 2: "With your eyes, right?" Me (DM): "Investigating with your eyes is Perception."

Thank you for cracking me up several times. It's both the stories and your artistic naration.

“You can not hold action: shit on the dinner table” it took me a second. Then I cracked up. 😂😂😂

"You.. befriend the Litch.. with your calculator" Basically my character befriended a cr21 Litch with a nat20 Persuasion check. I was using my calculator to help my roll, which I had invented the moment before

The Dm asking my gusmith artificer with newly acquired broom of flying, "So you are a jet fighter." DM later on, " You want to dogfight a dragon?"

Me to an ex-friend during a session: "Let me get this straight: you want to inject milk into [character]'s veins just because they won't drink the milk?" [Spoiler: I said no.]

"Its seems strange that you can knock an earth elemental that far back but your fish is magic"

DM: a fly appears near you PARTY: *panicking* This was a level 6 party

I have this incident that happened last session. One of my players which is a druid with a fondness for the sticky icky put his highly potent pot plant in a pot of awakening and it finally turned into a awakened mary jane plant. So now i have to do a high as fuck rastafarian accent whenever that plant walks around. Probable gonna have to home brew an AoE while it is active that if you fail a save you get high as a kite while around the plant.

"So.. You expected the obviously angry troll to not split your skull after beheading it's offspring right Infront of it..?"

After tying down a hydra to cut off its heads: “Now we can get everlasting head!”

“So, you want to cause the dino to let go of you at just the right moment to avoid the hotplate of death? Roll me an acrobatics check!”

"The monkeys definitely do NOT have shotguns."

2 lines from the same Rifts session I was running: 1. Me to the group "I assume you are all following the crazy into the Xiticix hive, right? 2. Said crazy, (who I had allowed a Deadpool esque occasional 4th wall break) when the group finally gets to the queen chamber and the rest of the PCs say "you can stop her psionics, right?" Turn to the group and screams "I HAVE 4 ISP LEFT! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, SPEED READ HER TO DEATH?!?"

As the DM for a Curse of Strahd campaign: "As the werewolf finally notices the fire reaching him, he knows all is lost. He takes the omelet off of the stove, dunks the whole thing in a bucket of water, and eats it in one bite as the inferno consumes him." "The bar maid takes one look at your party entering the tavern, and starts drinking from a large bottle of rum." "Across the menu board, there is a large chalk imprint that there is no food this morning. The town ate literally all of it the previous night." "One! One adventurer, ah ah ah! Two! Tw... ...Wait, only one of you? You ruined the fun." As a player in a homebrew campaign, what our DM said: "Yes, it's actually spelled 'gyro.' But it's pronounced like 'yiro.'" *Que a long discussion on the different, ultimately wrong ways people have pronounced a Greek dish "Nobody has quite noticed the body on the roof yet." "I have actually seen video of a cow eating a snake like spaghetti." "The cannonball hits the immovable rod exactly on its end cap, and there's only one real way I can describe the motion that occurs." *Plays Fazlija - Helikopter in the music bot, describing how it's become a slowly moving blade of death As a player in that same campaign, what I've said: "That old man just sent y'all to the back rooms." "Wait, how did my bird react to that?" "A D3 is technically possible. It just looks like a long tube with a Reuleaux triangle shape." "I don't think I want to turn the minotaur into the Batman. Anywho, I give to you my currently un-shaded art of the 'horned one' and the war crime stick!"

"Let me make an intelligence check for this corn." I'm fucking dead

No, you cannot convince the succubus into a three way with you and the drider to her left

Weirdo (weird player): I harvest the Dragon's Wing wang doodle Dm (Me): You find a crevice Where the Wing wang doodle should be (fancy way of saying, it's a female) Weirdo: I climb into the Crevice to find it's ovaries -Several checks later (all of which were aced) DM, to the rest of the players: You see Weirdo climbing out of the dead dragon's "crevice" with what looks like ovaries (or whatever equivalent a dragon would have) All of that because said Weirdo's character was making Male enhancement potion with various Wing wang doodles he would harvest from fallen enemies and a dragon's would have been the greatest component yet but one odd/even roll decided it was not a Male. (other specimens include but were not limited to Bears, Bandits, Wolves, Demons (see Oni), etc.)

I finally have a story to go along with this. My Thieves Quest campaign, the players are doing a sidequest where they have to protect a wagon full of food crates from bandits as it travels to the neighboring town, and this was of course a horse-drawn wagon sorta deal. For whatever reason, the Druid/Rogue really wanted to name the horses. And I kept refusing them, up to the point where I blurt out “For the last, you are not going to name a horse! It’s just a horse for a sidequest!” I ended up giving up the argument and they named them anyway. Now the party has access to riding horses as fast travel to towns they previously visited

"As the Kobold is about to fall unconscious, he says, 'The bathroom is that way,' while pointing to the east window in the yellow house."

The chicken quote reminded me of a totally unrelated story. When I was running a module called "The map with no names" I decided to change a previously boring restaurant into a much more interesting one called "Avernus Fried Chicken" in which a devil sold infernal chicken meat. It went well until the literal chickens from hell escaped! The encounter didn't end with tearful goodbyes, but it did end in lots of barbeque sauce and chicken.

BBEG making a Speech My paladin: You're Talking some Mad Shit For Someone in Crusading Distance

You can't bang the banditmid-fight. Me: "Hold my Charm spell." Or failing that: "Hold person."

“You successfully slit the necromancer dungeon boss’s throat while pretending to be his zombie barber.”

(In a Futuristic campaign) DM: the door is blocked shut. Player: I utilize my newly acquired X-ray device to look through the door. DM: roll for insight and, since it is your first time using the device, dexterity. *Rolls a 19 on insight and 1 on dex. Player: So? DM: So as you accidentally turn the device on at full power, you insightfully deduce that you now have testicular cancer.

Context: We had a running gag in our group about one character drinking window cleaner. At a baquet hall,we all got betrayed by the lord,and the player in character exclaimed "Oh no,the window cleaner i've been drinking,it was poisioned!" Also he was using a rapier and "rape(ied)" every enemy he fought. We all called him a serial rapist.

My DM: "you're going to pimp the talking owl out to the green dragon?" The Party "Yes"

for context, i was the player, this was about my 6th session ever and my 4th campaign ever (my group could never make it past session 2-3 when we first started) so we were all very new and a little murder-hobo-y. DM: you blink and are teleported back to the waiting room. me: is this magically induced blinking or can I choose to not blink? DM: I guess you could choose not to blink me: I would like to roll to resist blinking *rolls 17*(it might've been higher or lower this was a long time ago) DM: *goes on to describe how the other player is sitting in the waiting room all alone for a few minutes because my guy wont blink to trigger the teleportation spell*

Heres a line my DM said after someone decided to judge the quality of a sandwich: "It's... The best sandwich you've ever seen. Though I'm not sure you've even seen a sandwich before."

"How many halflings were in that bag again? Seven? Congratulations. You just gained 700 XP from their deaths."

"hold up... you think druids wouldn't rip a man to shreds for hurting their family?"

"yes, yea you can snort the.. the dead cultist ash" "i.. its smells like lavender..?.."

"With the market cornered on peach liquor, peach preserves, peach jam, peach butter, and ripe, fresh, juicy peaches available to the common man, your band of adventurers turned merchant princes retires, wealthy beyond your imaginings." Game where the party found a gag magic item "Bag of Everful Peaches" and quit adventuring altogether, retraining their heroic classes for the NPC class Aristocrat.

Our Dm: You polymorph the Medusa into a bunny rabbit. The sorcerer then puts the rabbit in his bag of holding suffocating it. Hours later he pulled out a dead Medusa.

Our DM: *sighs loudly* Roll for nature to ascertain the type of wood the door is made out of. We made him say this several times now.

"i hope this is the last time i say: you successfully ate Strahd"

Wasn’t me that said this, but still funny anyway. “YOU KNOW WHAT? You can have a reality bending intimidation once per session!”

"No, you cannot burn down the mansion with the bandits inside it."

(Not D&D, this was Stars Without Number Revised) "Okay, so over the din of laser fire and screeching aliens, the exterior speakers of the Corvette you snuck onto begin to blare the opening strains to Margaritaville as you unleash the ship-mounted plasma beams against the hangar at large."

Me: You guys want me to DM next. Okay but remember it's for this campaign only - after I want to go back to playing a character. My last words before becoming the forever DM.

Me to one of my players: "Yes the Hostage in the bag, that you were hired to save, can be swung like a club. Roll a wisdom to remember the contents are... Ah that's a natural 1. Yeah your minimum roll kills the goblin... And the hostage...."

A GM to me (I'm a Rune Knight Fighter/Kensai Monk who through their own abilities and an enlarge spell is now huge size): "You successfully grapple the giant bat, and since the rider is strapped to the saddle, you successfully suplex them both. Roll for damage."

“The awesome rendition of wonderwall calms the guards and they stop stabbing Adam”

As the DM: You have successfully cut the chimeras balls off, and yes, you can make the sack into a helmet. (Player was a halfling rogue who was under the chimera.)

Party enters a combat after a demonstration of a portable teleportation circle goes wrong and unleashes several demonic creatures into the town square. Prior to this, Druid was checking out the produce merchant's wares nearby. On her turn, she grabs her sling, loads it with a turnip from the cart, and fires at the nearest creature that had already taken heavy damage from a hit from Barbarian... crit. "All right. Please describe for us all what it looks like as you kill this infernal hellspawn with a turnip."

This was me to one of my players in the prior session, "no, you can not sharpen the crocodile corpse"

Oh here's a good one from one of my players in the first game I ran to completion "On the authority of the king, throw me in jail". I had to proceed as a guard to ask the player in question why they wanted to be thrown in jail. PC said they were a werewolf to the guard. Guard "alright, throw the werewolf in jail for the night, then question him to figure out what's actually going on"

“You successfully convince a whole county of people that you are the abyssal demi god that they live for and have been worshiping for hundreds of years" The guy rolled a nat 20. That 1 roll changed the course of the whole game. They now travel around the galaxy getting people to join their religion.

Not DnD but a roleplay for something else that basically derailed instantly what was supposed to be a nigh-unwinnable boss-fight. "The sentient yarn doll successfully consumes the living ball of electricity" it then proceeded to develop a fascination with using the magic item it received from said boss to accidentally shoot lightning bolts at a cat-human hybrid that, although it had developed a resistance to pain, could still feel things like say, getting struck by lightning XD

Doing a superhero homebrew thing. Most powers are homemade. Me and my friend made two characters each and are taking turns DMing to figure the world out and how our characters met before we see if anyone wants to join a game. I started by having his characters reading the newspaper with their Alfred. They hear screaming outside and when they get outside they roll initiative. I had two homemade elementals that basically just had every spell that was of their element. All the characters were only level 3 though. Behind them were children and in front of them were four dire wolves. It went wolves first, my fire guy, his barbarian, my earth guy, who just made a earth barrier around the kids. His second characters power is essentially to target someone and charm them to give into their worst instincts and suggestions to do those things work. When we rolled it out it worked on three of the four wolves. He said "eat your own shit". I was shocked initially but kinda loved the idea. I said "so three of the wolves run away back out of the towns border to the last place they shat." I had my earth guy make a border wall with mold earth to keep the wolves out. The townfolk and government weren't mad. Then the element duo asked for help solving a serial murder.

DM'd a Pokémon themed DND session with my friends, some of the more notable quotes are: "You already murdered a man! Why do you care if the car battery still has battery acid in it!?" "We actually don't sell grilled cheese, but we have a grilled cheese shake if you want that!" "Congratulations you committed arson on the first session." "The trash can comes alive and tries to flee!" PC: "Can we adopt him? Please!?" My DMNPC: "you literally trapped me in a trash can, lit my hair on fire, and rolled me down a hill!" PC: "but he fell out of the sky and has no friends!" DM: "No, stop trying to commit arson!" PC: "man, you are no fun. If you let us commit crimes you wouldn't keep asking!" DM: "if I let you commit crimes, this would be a short campaign."