Do girls just have to vent sometimes? 

Amen lol

Great thing to remember. It can work in other contexts too; I often find myself going to the phone as a distraction and for comfort when I could be spending time with God.

Romans 10:9-11 KJV 9 that if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. 10 For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. 11 For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed. ❤❤❤

Great story, what a wonderful friend.

It’s a blessing to have honest, truthful friends. I think it’s possible to validate your friend’s feelings while simultaneously speaking truth to them as your friend did. Just because a friend is feeling hurt by something that happened with her husband doesn’t mean her feelings are baseless. Likewise, just because she and her husband had an argument doesn’t mean he’s a terrible person who should be verbally bashed behind his back (which is gossiping).

@@nicvic1717 In other words, don’t give advice like a Redditor!

@@Tool0GT92 If anyone is married and have a fight make sure you fix it by the end of the night squash it at your feet don’t let it sink in reminds me of when jesus said “leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:24‬ ‭ So be reconciled before the night ends.

I'm gonna take a page out of your friend's book when it comes to dealing with my best friend and his recent marriage :)

This is my suggestion, the problem with venting to others is the spread of false information and the risk of false validation of sin. Venting to God has no such risks, and is well modeled in psalms

@@derpaholic_rex756 Amen!

That is so true! Bringing your hurts and worries to God means that you aren't looking for validation and indignation; he will lift you up when you are humble.

@@timdaniel9644 Tim, that is very biblical!!

Me too.

Amazing woman

If these are concerns you know you can handle then by all means be vague. But if you actually don't know what to do and you really need help, then you need to open up with the details especially to a trained counselor, because that's the only way they can help you.

If it helps, the example you described is seeking council. You opened up with the intention of getting help.

Well that gets confusing. I hear women say all the time "I don't want a solution, I just want to vent." So it's at least partially clear that venting and problem solving are two separate things.

I think we also have to share and keep in my the intention of why we are doing this and be sure to talk about the positive characteristics of that individual and make it clear that this not slander but concern because you see that that person is in the wrong and want to do everything you can to help them but instead they view your criticism as an attack on their personhood.

There’s nothing wrong with having your emotions validated and someone recognizing/acknowledging you’re upset and the reason why , it’s called having an emotional IQ , but likewise it lets the person know they feel seen and hear which otherwise some people are taught their emotions don’t matter and this is when they tend to numb/bottle things in , don’t communicate how they feel about majority of things , or tend to become doormats …

@@MNIU_ There's a thin line between gossip and demonstrating the past events in one's life and/or opening up emotionally. Most woman that I know have always abused the ability to either confront or cohere with such vulnerable emotions or events of high potency. That is why one should be utterly vigilant and not subvert to these supposed _'vents'_ but categorically test and examine the claims made, and then proceed to comply.

My aunt & Ive had this debate so many times. She (& many of my friends) insists that we HAVE TO vent or we'll explode! Or "...or it will eat you alive inside". It just gets worse when i "vent". Telling Jesus works best for me. NOPE

@@MicheleNichols2 theres some saying: Before you speak: 1)Is it true? 2)is it kind? 3) is it neccessary?.

As a trained counselor, I'd like to clarify this misconception that people have - that to validate is to pander. That is false. Validating is not the same as pandering. Going alongside a person means you start by understanding their subjective perspective, that's validation, then from there you lead them towards a more objective perspective, that's guidance. This is what makes counseling effective.

Wise

Yes!! THIS. So many times when I have felt like Venting to friends about my life and family.. I just prayed about it and opened my heart to God. I can always feel Him listen and by the end I'm calm and have a general sense of what to do. He's the best!! ❤️

Take this small story from Saint Augustine's Confessions, for what it's worth. I don't mean to insinuate anything about your marriage by using it as parallel, as I doubt it's what the woman in his recounting had to deal with, but the advice is worth keeping in mind for all marriages. Saint Augustine recounts knowing a devout woman who had a husband who fits the stereotype of the loud, angry, man who comes home and is very demanding of their spouse. Which leads to the obvious. Abuse in either greater or smaller fashion. Everyone they knew assumed he had to be hurting her, and were continually shocked when this turned out not to be true. When she finally shared WHY such a man would never hit her, she confessed this. When her husband would get upset or angry and be loudly demanding, she simply obeyed. If he was being unreasonable, she'd bow to his version what was going on, she'd let him have his way. Quietly do her duty as wife. Then wait for him to calm down. Once her husband was no longer angry, upset, riled up? THEN she would confront him about the issue. Tell him how she saw things. Bring up the mistake he was making. How he was being unfair. This.. apparently worked. Very well. Though till such a time, again, she would act as the dutiful quiet wife. Typical viewpoint even then would be to get out from under such a man, fight back, or even simply escape. Confessions confirms the thoughts other wives had on that subject. Ones who had similar husband who WERE abused. Things aren't any different now. So much for the romantic view of a time when marriages weren't like today. Through meek wisdom and loyal service she was not only able to sooth her husband but guide him out of his error as well. Have you ever had your cake and ate it too? I confess I envy the self control and patience such a woman had to have had. I can only imagine she was very close to Christ. Meek wisdom and loyal service is the exact kind of behavior he prescribed as a cure against the world's ills. We just have trouble seeing why it works sometimes.

@@elizabethp4064 A narcissist specifically? I have never had to deal with one on a personal level, but scripture contains the cure for all ills if you're willing to see it. Know this, though. Not all cures are going to be sweet. Much of what is expected of us is blatantly unfair from a personal perspective. Many reject sections of Christ's gospel because they consider it impossible to live how he demands. Yet you cannot part out Christ. It's all or nothing. What needs to be done may not be fun or fair to us, but it can keep situations from devolving. Or even improve them if we have some persistence. Being that beacon of light Christ wants us to be may come with people trying to tear it down. Maybe even people close to us. The woman in Saint Augustine's story very persistently loved her husband even in her method of correcting him. That had to have been very difficult, and I imagine only faith saw her through doing it. I doubt it was any more fun handling her drunk husband than it was for anyone else in such a situation. I save this for last because referring to it outside the context of being loving won't work. Psychology does have some methods for what NOT to do in relation to certain broken personality types. Ways of not falling in to certain traps. May be worth poking in to. But as always, Christ comes first. Otherwise it's just you trying to be the 'winner' in the equation.

@Sarah R and Calamity Chaela I love this! It took me years, but I've found this to be true too. When I need counsel, go to wise counsel. When I need to vent, I journal my prayers to God and gain clarity, and often develop exactly the outline I need to take to be understood when I talk about the issue with the person I need to work the issue out with.

I think there's confusion over what gossip and rumors are. I think gossiping is more like talking about rumors while spreading rumors is more like actively creating them and telling everyone you know. "Gossip" would have been an important tool for traditional women anyway. Women needed to be very social in these village settings because they all took care of each other's children ect... Information like a verbally abusive husband could allow for a women to be more cautious with allowing her kids around that household. There's of course many other potential situations where it's useful. What's not useful is talking about things you don't know firsthand or didn't got from the source. Those are rumors and akin to baring false witness. We think of gossip today (some do) as idle chat in general. That would mean talking about sports, weather, new upcoming automobiles, CEOs stepping down ect... is gossip. News in general would be nothing but gossip. Men talking about their home life and issues just can't be a bad thing in general. I won't accept that until it's proven to me by Greek scholars. Even then I'll question the true definition of the words used.

@@CynHicks I understand that, I think its what's within the confines of the group. Our group is very open. So as an example some men struggle with porkpork, list, drinking and other such things. It becomes gossip when it leaves the confines of the group. If someone goes home and starts talking to the wives it becomes gossip and unhealthy. I think it has to do with the intentions of the conversations of the men have inside the group. When it goes outside the group it becomes unhealthy unless it has a safety concern....thanks for the input.

@@flint2080 Agreed. It should be clear that any communication with the intent or possibility to unjustly harm or embarrass someone is not Christ like. You can call that gossip I suppose (and people do) but I'm not sure there shouldn't be a better defined word for it. My real point is that the English word "gossip" and it's modern definition must be too broad for a perfect translation.

Gossiping is not just rumors, ever hear of the telephone game, and how a message can be drastically distorted as it is passed around even if the base is true and benign so just gossiping or just venting is starting rumors even if unintentional The men's group flint sounds that it isnt even about truly venting but SEEKING ACTIONABLE ADVICE, but sometimes those involved may not know a good solution and that is when it turns into just venting. The key is that information brought into a space NEVER leaves that space, the only ones to share are those DIRECTLY involved. Even if one is directly involved it can still be gossip, if the truth (objective truth, as it would be perceived by heaven) is distorted in the presentation

I think "Bible study" groups have become more of venting sessions than learning and living biblical truths. We've turned Sunday school into codependent therapy sessions.

Verbally processing in a healthy way is fantastic.

Exactly. I love Mike, but I feel like his take on this is too black and white. I totally appreciate the conviction to be cautious about gossip, but I don't think processing aloud with someone is always wrong, nor do I believe it's always wrong to want a little bit of emotional validation. Gaslighting is a powerful thing, and to explain a situation to an objective third party and have them yell you you aren't crazy for being hurt by something that was hurtful, can be hugely important sometimes. He said that the validation of irritation often gets you more riled up, but for me it's usually the opposite. When I've been able to process something with someone and have them either validate what I already thought or help me understand something I didn't before, that's usually exactly what I need to be able to let it go and move on.

I definitely need to verbally process. My church just split, and I have been so careful to not spread negativity, but sometimes I have to have an outside perspective. My brother, who is trained in Biblical counseling, has been such a rock for me through this because I know he will be absolutely truthful, and faithful to admonish and encourage.

@@CassTeaElle You’re misunderstanding Mike’s case here. He said you need to find people who will both support you and convict you. He never said your counselors should always tell you that you’re the bad guy. It sounds like your scenario is what Mike thinks is the ideal scenario. Your counselors tell you what they think you need to hear, whether it’s good or bad, and your behavior is healthy as well, because you aren’t afraid to hear that you may be part of the problem. Obviously I don’t know how emotional you are, but it’s okay to seek out counsel in a fit of emotion as long as you’re willing to listen to whatever counsel you’re given. That’s the difference with venting: with venting you’re only looking for one response.

I have never once heard someone use the word "vent" to mean what mike is saying. I am from alberta canada, where are you from that people use that word in both ways?

Well said. “Vent” has different meanings depending on who you’re talking to. I personally use the word “vent” to describe moments when I’m discussing and explaining how and why I’m feeling a certain way.

Yes. I've used "venting" to mean just talking through things and processing. Often I don't even need them to say anything, but in telling the story out loud I can see more clearly what's happening and how I should respond. I am definitely a verbal processer, so it's different if you're more like my husband who needs quiet time alone to mentally process.

This highlights why it is so important to define words when having a discussion like this. You can see where as soon as they started talking about what they meant around 3:15 the disagreement about venting became an agreement on looking for counsel and not slander/gossip.

I’m not saying anyone here is wrong, I’m just sharing my opinion on the definition of venting. In the physical world vent just means to get rid of excess heat. If we take it in that sense, then I don’t like using the word to describe honestly looking for advice. I think most accurately, venting would be just expressing your emotions to help yourself calm down. This can be done to another person, or to nothing in particular, as long as you know it’s actually going to calm you down instead of stoking the fire. If I’m right, that would mean that venting isn’t looking for wise counsel, because for that you’re looking for healthy fuel, but it also isn’t necessarily seeking validation, because for that you might just be looking for the hottest burning fuel. True venting is just getting rid of the heat so you can think rationally and make good decisions about what kind of fuel you need.

This concept is so foreign to me lol. Both of my parents vent to each of us kids about each other since they’re divorced but both honestly I feel like a lot of things would be better if everyone did this :)

Idk, I have a bit of an issue with condemning all "venting" unless you are getting specific counsel for an issue. I feel like emotional support is also a valid thing to want sometimes, and that doesn't always mean you are getting an answer or a solution to "fix" a problem. Sometimes just a hug and someone telling you aren't crazy and they understand how you feel can be very comforting. I fully agree that there are many times that we want to vent that we really probably shouldn't, and it would be gossip, but I just disagree with the blanket statements as if it's all bad unless you are "fixing" something.

@@CassTeaElle I'm not going to get dogmatic about this issue, especially regarding women, but I tend to fall on Mike's side of this. So as I was thinking about the perceived need to vent (and guys say we need it too) it occurred to me that if pure *venting* was all we needed, we could go outside and do it in the woods, and it would have the same effect. Otherwise, it would seem to me like validation would be what we are really getting out of it. I haven't screamed in the woods in a very long time, but it seems it was a little cathartic, but not as much as venting to a person. What do you think?

I see an ongoing process in this. Others are saying venting is good and even necessary, but I wonder if it's not an inferior solution we justify because it feels good, and causes a temporary release of tension. It sounds to me like the world's wisdom. which is usually opposed to God's. After decades of advising people to voice their frustrations to the one who's frustrating you, psychologists are starting to notice that it does more harm than good. Turns out "a soft answer turns away wrath" was the better method all along but we thought we knew better. We're told that it's critical to let your spouse know what you will be expecting from the relationship, and then hold them accountable if they fall short. (the 50/50 rule) God says to give 100% and not demand anything. "Love is longsuffering and kind, does not promote itself, does not insist on it's own way." That's way harder. But I've seen it heal marriages. Anyway, I think if we indulge in feel-good 'cures' like venting, it keeps us from dealing with our issues on a deeper level and makes us *weaker* emotionally. To voluntarily face the frustration internally, and let go of it, will make us emotionally *stronger*. (ask me how I know : ) I think it's a question of building strength into a marriage instead of insisting on our right to vent and be validated, which weakens it. God's way is always harder, but it actually works. And makes US into better people instead of trying to make THEM into better people. My ten cents...

@@josephmiller997 well, obviously that's true if by "venting" we mean just speaking our feelings aloud. But that's not what anybody means by venting. Seeking support, encouragement, a second brain to help you process something, or yes, even validation, is not automatically bad and sinful.

This! This is the reason why Mike and the woman were disagreeing on women “needing” to vent. They were both right.

Men do, too. It's that the emotions men want validated are socially different than the ones women want validated. I say socially because men and women, especially in the church, are taught what are acceptable and unacceptable emotions to outwardly display, even though we all have the same emotions.

Absolutely, but it might also depend on the individual person/relationships. Some 'best friends' feel like they need to validate you and your actions in order to stay your best friend, and that would not be a healthy kind of feedback you get from them. It would _feel_ good for sure, but it would not open your eyes to the flaws you perhaps have yourself - rather the opposite.

I'll pray for you Sara! Faith in Christ is always the first response to any kind of struggle like that. Everything else flows out of that and nothing else can replace that. God bless you sister.

Scripture describes the church like a flock of sheep. Sometimes sheep can become lost, but they are still part of the flock. They are just apart. I don't agree with the idea that if you're doubting your salvation then it automatically means you're not saved. Doubt is a human condition. Just remember that even if you're not sure, God is. He knows his own even when his own feel unsure. When we belong to God, scripture tells us that our names are written in the Lamb's book of life. Now you need to believe that God has an eraser to scrub names out after the fact if you believe that it's possible to have your salvation reversed, once affirmed in God's eyes. Don't worry over your doubts. He does what we can't.

Hello Sara, I think I have come across you on another RU-vid channel, but if not I'm sorry for mentioning, but I pray and hope that you are safe in the Lord, the Bible says that if you confess with your tongue and believe in your heart that Jesus Christ died for your sins and rose from the dead, then you shall be saved. Jesus said that He will never let go of his children and he that comes to him will never thirst, May God bless you, sister. John 10:28 King James Version 28 And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.

"His anger" are two important qualifying words. "Venting" as we use it in our modern context doesn't necessarily mean to speak out of anger. It means, most broadly, to share emotional troubles with another person. Sharing an emotional burden/seeking counsel without slandering others is quite possible. It is a better choice than not sharing, in many a case; if we never "vent" in this broader sense, how could our Christian brothers and sisters provide us with support, direction, and correction if need be when we are internally struggling?

Or sometimes the mother will vent to her daughters about another sibling giving her trouble. Turning her daughters against that sibling. As was the case with me. Its important to always see to it you turn your children's hearts toward each other not away. When you pass away all they will have is each other.

This is so easy for a parent to do, not realizing what she's doing to the child. Great example.

That’s how children are brainwash

My mum did that but also included about there sex life. My relationship with my father is very strained.

@@Nikitaxo24 You need to fix that. Your mother put those sentiments into your head. Nothing your father does to anyone should alter your love for him.

Amen ! I agree wholeheartily with you.

I'm hoping to be a Christian counselling psychologist.

While I certainly think intent matters, what if your intent is to talk about your feelings, but the effect on other people is still to damage the subject's reputation?

Give it to God first ❤

True. "Venting" can be confused with opening up to reach out for help

Unfortunately I've witnessed guys gossiping as well, and bullying others.

@@heavnxbound of course , both genders sin. No one's better than the other, just stated my own experience. usually bullying occurs in between same gender folks, if you're guy then you're of course likely to be bullied by dudes

All 3 of my sisters each are annoyed with other women and all chose to have mainly male friends too.

Same here. I've never talked bad about my husband to anyone. And when I got pregnant I started to cut out the unhealthy people. But it's a good thing that I did because it ended up being a high risk pregnancy.

I think that, like almost every bad thing that we do, it’s a corruption of something good. Women and girls tend to be more social and want to be part of a group. That can be good because it’s a way of keeping the community informed and is an important trait for fostering relationships with people. Men would be terrible at this because we don’t talk like that with each other. You could say that godly women are a communication network for the local body of believers, sending and receiving information for their households. The corruption is a bit like the mainstream media. People react more strongly to salacious details and tawdry secrets more than they do to things that are wholesome and good, so women are actually incentivized to gossip and spew this venom because they get more attention. This only exacerbated by things like reality tv and soap operas, both of which are overwhelmingly watched by women as opposed to men, where this behavior is seen as good.

Yes, you should be able to tell your husband - I sure do when my mom is like that.

I think the operative question that mike is working at is if you are looking for spiritual support and advice, or if you are looking for blind agreement. If you are venting to your husband but are really just looking for a yes man, or if you really want someone to support you in both love and in truth. I would also note the one flesh argument here. I could be pretty easily convinced venting to your spouse is not gossip because you are one flesh.

That is so insightful, and I appreciate it. Thank you for sharing.

There is a God-honoring way to satisfy lust-it’s called being married. Lust does not automatically equate to sinfulness; it’s literal definition is simply “intense sexual desire”. Married couples can and actually SHOULD feel that emotion toward one another. This is one of the main themes of Song of Solomon. The two characters are in lust for one another but it’s beautifully between man and his wife.

@@TamiaDunlap I'm kinda mixed on that. If we define lust as you say (a dictionary definition is often as fine as any, but there's nothing authoritative about it as its function is descriptive of common usage and not prescriptive of all usage), then I grant that that outlet is available for married people, but obviously not for single people. Those unmarried people addressed by Paul in 1 Corinthians, for example, do not have that option and would be affected by the dynamic I have described above. It's also worth noting, however, that the word "lust" is often used by many in the Christian tradition, both nowadays and in history, to describe a sinful form of desire that is always wrong, even in the context of marriage. Either way, the goal of mentioning lust was to illustrate my original point, so while I suppose I might have picked a vice with less exception, I think it still illustrates the point. But I appreciate your point and it is fair to mention.

@@brandonwhitaker8468 Thank you for your reply. Respectfully, your reply seems to be an unnecessarily convoluted way to simply say that you were using the word “lust” colloquially. Yes, colloquially, lust may mean unbridled passion AND following through with it (in the context of fornication) but only because humans lack self-control, especially adult males. This is why one of the fruits of the spirit is self-control rather than celibacy. Lust is a natural reaction to sexual stimuli and if your spouse is being sexually alluring, not getting aroused would actually be problematic. The Biblical view is not that anything body is bad and anything spirit is good (rather that’s Gnosticism), the Biblical view is instead that humans consistently choose to distort the passions and pleasures given to us by seizing them or embarking upon them unhealthily. Happiness is amazing; hurting others in order to be happy is not. It’s the same thing with lust & sex. They’re not dirty or sinful in and with-of themselves-they are simply easily degraded and poorly acted upon. I understood your point, definitely, and think it was a good one.

@@TamiaDunlap I appreciate the response, and as far as convoluted responses are concerned I am often guilty as charged. But I was not trying to encompass the act of fornication in my use of the term lust, so it appears that my wording was not only superfluous but even inadequate, for which I apologize. Please correct me if I've misunderstood you, but it seems like you are implying that the only sexual sin is that which the body commits, and that a person who keeps themselves from physically acting out in sexual sin has avoided it. But this is not what Jesus teaches in the sermon on the mount (see Matt. 5:28). I agree with you that the Scriptures do not teach the Gnostic rejection of all things physical, and I do not mean to espouse it. I would simply suggest that there is a sin of lust which is entirely internal and does not need to lead to fornication in order to be sin. I am not saying that attraction is a sin, or that the rightful intimacy between husband and wife is a sin. But I would follow the teaching of Jesus, as well as in much of Scripture, that the desire's of one's heart can be themselves sinful without being physically acted upon.

I don't think it's gossip when you do stuff like that :)

@spirals 73 haha true thank you!

@@moriahw3947 thanks for the validation! I agree it's not gossip if it's done respectfully. I've seen some moms trash their kids reputation for the sake of "venting". No matter the age, 1 yr old or 11 yr old or 31 yr old. I'm a big believer that our children's personhood and privacy should be considered before venting. I guess because it's a trigger for me from Watching my mom trash my name my whole life.

Ken Sande says something like “motherhood is “speed sanctification” for mothers-24/7 training in patience and every other virtue” 😉 Every mom gets what you are going through. It’s crazy hard, but God will help if you keep seeking Him. Hang in there! You were made for this. ❤

Genuinely asking-is it biblical?

If it's a personal struggle then yes. If it's about someone else, then no.

When we have a pressing problem with a person that can't be solved, don't be ashamed to seek wise counsel. But do he sure to vet the counselor, because a gifted one will never propagate slander or build you up in unjust accusations. Your friends are not likely to be those gifted counselors.

Someone above said “I’m learning to vent to God”. We’re never going to be fully or truly known by anyone or have our meets met by anyone except God. Putting that expectation on other people makes them A god. And we know the first commandment is you shall have no other gods before Me.

That deff is where some of the spite comes from. When something happens to me I find it useful sometimes to replay that moment in my head as if it was happening to someone else and I'm the outsider judging what should be said and done. oh actually re-reading your comment I think you're talking about something else (still an interesting point you're making) well I'll just leave this comment here anyway

Does venting honor God?

@@kolbywilliams7234 when it’s done right

@@stannmyself5856 How is venting, as Winger defined it, done right?

@@kolbywilliams7234 thats not the kind of venting im talking about lol

@@stannmyself5856 Then what is venting?

Men gossip SO much!!! Mainly about other men, or sometimes women that they don’t like. It’s interesting that it never gets a label.

Yes!!!

This, this, THIS! ♥ You gain clarity and emotional distance. And you can do it in prayer, as Psalms modeled for us as someone wisely said above.

Exactly. I have been through this, 100 percent

I know what you mean. Fear of dishonoring your spouse has been a killer in abusive situations. But when it's not physical abuse and it's 'just' emotional, verbal, or sexual, you get almost no help from many churches. Worst when the person is in church leadership, related to leaders, or easily likable by others. Feeling soo alone and insulated and silenced you want to take your own life... I pray for anyone in this place. Please don't give up. Speak up to someone even if it's reaching someone outside your community.

@spirals 73 doesn’t sound like you’re talking to godly people. Even if they do go to church.

@spirals 73 the best counsel at the end of the day will come from Gods word. Seek His counsel first. It’s becoming harder and harder to come by Godly older women who have truly godly character and wisdom