One thing that happens after narcissistic abuse is you tend to attract abusers in the form of friends, colleagues and partners. You tend to be in the abusive cycle for very long by different people and that makes you think something is wrong with you.
This is the one thinf I fear the most... I can leave my family home once I graduate and start working. But I cannot guarantee that I will find someone, let alone someone that's not a sh#t person like the people in my family.
True! When the relationship with narc ex ended, a narcissistic friend appeared to support me. Now I have isolated myself and trying to heal and outgrow attracting and accepting no more narcs.
@@kirsikka3752 I have isolated myself several times, it helps to heal few things but then you feel like having atleast one person to connect to. It doesn't have to be a love interest but atleast a friend that's where it becomes difficult for me and I connect with someone but again they turn abusive may not be narcissistic but abusive and that triggers me badly. I am in this vicious cycle. Now I am trying not to isolate myself but put boundaries on connections, that way you know people are around but not connecting let's you not get triggered so basically keeping your nervous system in a pleasent state. Rest I found out people aren't equipped to give you the kind of support you need so finding a professional if finances support is good, else meditation, journaling, exercise, working on triggers does help but takes time. I pray you, me and anyone else going through this gets the healing they deserve 🙏
I have found for my self is that if some is mean, hateful, and cruel and has mood swings discard and drop them. This is how I set limits and boundaries for myself and potential narcs.
The effort it takes to get out of bed every day is astounding. I have dealt with terrible loss and grief, physical emergencies and subsequent limitations, stress of otherworldly proportions... And yet, I have NEVER known depression THIS heavy. Maybe it's because this abuse is now added to the other stresses and traumas. But it is horrible, and taking care of myself is just out of the question. It's too hard right now. And the anger is unlike anything I have ever experienced. It is constant and relentless...
OMG this is telling me that this is a common phenomenon after leaving a narcissistic relationship. It's really similar to drug addiction. I remember danish saying in one of his videos that this is trauma response of a damaged brain.
This video made me cry. It hit so many nerves. I realize I can't do this alone but I'm so sacred to see the wrong person. I don't think I can mentally afford a therapist saying it's all my fault.
If your therapist or psychologist does not understand and you are feeling they are blaming you get a new therapist immediately. At your first session interview them. Ask them questions Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Signs and mechanisms they use victimize others. Ask them about their personal experience of dealing with a narc. spouse, family member, or partner. If you feel they know little about NPD see someone else.
Its been months since I started to watch and learn a lot about narcissism.. I cannot beleive that I am not the only person who experienced and still experiencing this kind of relationship.. Thank you so much for helping us to know better about them.. How to deal with them, How to protect ourselves.. Its like we were talking about the same exact person.. It feels like "your Narc is my Narc".. Now that we can see right through them they cannot manipulate us, we can now choose what song,dance,and move do we wanted.. TANGO NO MORE..
Regarding routines. My narc mother and narc ex-husband had routines and routines that were forced on me that were to the point of compulsive. I found that I needed to discard routines once I was away from them, in order to heal. On my days off now, I purposely leave my schedule as loose' as possible. Sometimes I intentionally don't do the dishes for a couple of hours. The point is, by doing so I am actually taking back my control.Narcs are often obessessive-compulsive and force routines on to you as a method of control. Took me a long time to realize this form of control and breaking routines is very liberating.
Have the same I use weeks to go to work my narc parents wanted me to do. They made me hate these things because of their own compulsion and oppression toward me.
Mine is getting out of prison for putting a knife to my neck and saying he was going to kill me ....he gets out in June and I'm starting again to have panic attacks I'm feeling depressed even though I'm on meds. When he gets out I'm afraid I'll feel like my life ends again.
😮😢arm yourself if possible, tell EVERYBODY you know, constantly report to police , be very unpredictable If possible..so sorry you have to go through this😕😑prayers
Hi Deb Please make sure you have a protection order in place - pls get advice from a professional. Trauma Counselling will really help and some self defence classes. Never live in fear take it and turn it around - protect yourself and those who are important to you!
I truly wish there was more info about this so many years ago. I suppressed so much over the years from a narcissistic abusive marriage, it took me so long to realize this. I still haven't gotten professional help with it, but it's embarrassing still to see it since it's been SO long.
Who would want them back? I would NOT check their social media and am not curious about what they are doing. No way! Just send the checks you owe me, and that's it, bro.
I agree, I was paying $100 an hour to go to a therapist with very little positive outcome. I couldn't afford it anyways. My husband of 12 years brutally discarded me and shacked up with his coworker
It’s so haunting to think your the only one. You don’t even speak about it because you know it’s so unbelievable. You go through trauma and then he isolates you in it by convincing family and friends that he is the victim. I have thought I was the problem for so long. We have been married 27 years and he has lead a double life , always with an identity as a single bachelor. I won’t even speak of what has happened since 2017. I start to feel sick and shaken just thinking about it. Thank you !!’ This sparked hope. I have been fasting and not sleeping for years . Praying for a breakthrough. I have had this frantic fight or flight that has almost killed me. These five steps seem doable and seem like the wisdom I have been praying for. Again thank you !!
Stay away from all their Sichuan media. Block and delete, go no contact! 2. Create a healthy self care routine for yourself. 3. Seek professional help. 4. Stop talking with everyone about it. I practice stoicism. 5. Stop doubting your worth, your abilities and your potential. Change your self talk. 6.
I couldn't talk about a lot of things to others God was there for me. And Aug 2015 I heard a voice tell me while the narc was love bombing me....was You are done fighting. .what a blessing to obey that and start seeing the true behaviors of narcissistic people. God bless them and change me!
You nail it every time for me!! I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 34 years and finally left after my last child left home. Its been 8 1/2 years and we are still only separated, still working out the issues surrounding divorce. So I feel Im not totally free to heal 😳
I’m so sorry Debbie - I’m 34 years in and tried to leave and went through the courts for 3 years (2006-2009) but he lied about everything so we couldn’t even get a separation agreement Thankfully God provided proof of some things that were needed So glad you are free 🙏🏻❤️
I'm sorry about your situation.. I hope you got your divorce and peace Out of curiosity, do you regret not leaving earlier? Raising the children on your own when they were younger? Or was it too hard to leave... I am ten years in with five kids but I don't think I can last longer and wait for them to leave the home.. I cannot play happy family with him much longer..
26 yrs in and he's finally left after I made it clear that I was going to leave after my youngest left home. But won't respond to divorce and keeps threatening me. I too can't heal n move on wondering what he's going to do next. We live in a small town, he's a very well known person, posts on social media so everyone is following him and knows my situation. It's so embarrassing, more so because he has a great public persona and nobody will believe if I tell them that he's a narcissist.
@@n.n9035My ex narc is borderline with narcissistic traits. His narcissism has gotten worse with age. He wasn't so bad, never physically abusive when the kids were younger. Controlling yes, emotionally absent yes, sexually abusive yes when the relationship soured. We grew apart over the years. I should have left before he discarded me. I should have gotten a life at least. Now I'm just a heap on the floor, kids getting on with their lives. I don't know how to pick up the pieces of my life at 60. Yes, in hindsight, I should have left, it's left me and the children with trauma. I don't know how to advise you, just know that if he's untreated, like mine was, it won't end well. Take time for self healing first, plan and leave strategically. Don't jump the gun. Don't act out of fear. Each one's situation is different. Each narc is different. I didn't have support from friends n family either. Plays a great role in stabilizing the relationship. Most importantly, talk about it, don't keep secrets for him, don't protect him, don't isolate yourself. Stay strong ❤
Best line you said here is.. it takes two hands to clap does not apply here.. People usually do not understand what a Narcistic abuse servivor is going through with and most of the time they will tell this line in justification of that..
I ended finding a Water Aerobics class...not only did I shed 10 pounds in 2 months...ahhh Nothing was nagging in my brain anymore. I did share my stories with my 2 new neighbors...and oh boy that brought on new shame as I didn't experience Neither of there worse stories...they just kind of patted my back and said, "We got you."
So true danish. I don't want him back and never regret my decision of divorcing him. But I constantly think about his new wife.... I don't know why I am jealous of his happiness though he gave me pain all the time
I feel the same way and I have to remind myself that narcs are not capable of happiness. Their behavior doesn't change, the new supply will either be experiencing the same shit or is very compliant. Upto a point
O have the urge to tell him I know everything after I, in an act of weakness, broke no contact after 2 months🤦🏼♀️ but don’t want him!6 years cheating , cheating, triangulation, silent treatment and what not even after my mom died
I went no contact after we split up but I was raging when I found out that he had supply ready. I broke no contact to spew venom, and it felt so good. Now I'm ready to go no contact but the divorce is still hanging
You are so helpful. Thank you. My narcissist put me so so much by the time he was finished I had him removed from the property. After all of that I no longer had any feelings for him. Ladies don't go through this. You are more valuable than this. Wake up! Listen rto these videos, they will help you.
I’ve been broken for most of my life. As an elder, I am still struggling to be balanced and is it possible-happy! I do have family who love me but nonetheless I am very lonely. And yet, it seems I often do want to be alone. Education and positive self talk help a lot. When I wake up first thing is when I feel the worst. I smile at myself in the mirror and thank God for the day; I bless others in my life. I refuse to believe that someone has devastated my whole life. Even if I have only a few years left, I want to feel equilibrium and peace.
I did/still do sometimes all of these but from familial narcissistic abuse/csa trauma. And although in NO WAY NEAR their abuse, I'm doing these same things within my current relationship. I'm grateful I've begun therapy/EMDR 5 months ago and started the changes in my relationship and my partner DOES meet me halfway. What I haven't been able of is truly live in a healthy/safe/recovering way, yet. So I'm still doing ALOT of these 5 things regularly/daily... It's like I transferred my symptoms from the origins unto my current life. I pray, wish, hope I fully heal. TYSM for this video!
Thank you. This came at just the right time. I've no problem with closure with my ex . It our adult child,(19). He can't hurt me directly but he's poisoning her. She's horribly conflicted but he's deliberately alienating her from me. She beginning to crack. It shows in her low tolerance and snarky tone. In the fact that she's on the point of tears all the time and won't accept responsibility for anything she says that causes conflict within ber social circle. If threatened, she immediately attacks, deflects switches it round so the innocent party is now the perpetrator. Just like her dad. It call abuse by proxy. And it's killing me. She won't accept that he's done anything wrong though she was on the receiving end of much of it. She's got a whole new set of memories and while he is free to discuss me, very carefully I'm sure. No nasty words, just gaslighting, I am not given the chance to speak in my own defence and I don't know what to do. I've handled this badly here and there, because I actually had a nervous breakdown and my immune system collapsed resulting in an epidural abscess. Him I have no problem with. But he's using our girl as supply now and weaponising her against me. It's breaking my heart. It's hard to get over because it's still happening. The abuse actually hasn't stopped because he knows I'll do anything to protect her as best I can. So he keeps hurting her. And she's in terrible cognitive dissonance and pain. What the hell do I do?
Don’t react it gives the narc an opportunity to make you look bad. Your child knows something is off with your ex. Your child is hurting too so be the best parent you can be.
You are an angel Danish. I hope you know that. Remember though that noone else can make you stronger mentally to deal with things. Another person even a professional can only give you input on what you are going through. It's very useful at the start. But later on in your life if you want to not just exist but excel you need to develop mental cohesion which cannot be done by others. You need to use the methods which elevate consciousness, many of these are known
Married to narc for 25 yrs, I didn't consciously follow any method to elevate my consciousness. But I believe that it was the trajectory that lead to the final discard and separation. As I'm wont to tell people now, we're on different spiritual paths. They won't understand anyways, if Intry to explain to them about narcissism
This helps so much to understand that I’m not just incapable I’ve educated myself so much and thought that was the key to getting past all the pain but I feel no relief from my “support” around me it’s all just condescending because they DONT GET IT .. I have no healthcare haven’t worked in a year and my only place to fall back on to stay away from my narc is my narc parents… I feel so consumed by this and I don’t know what steps I need to take , is there some sort of hotline for things like this ? Also thank you so much I love your videos they are always BEYOND helpful..
Very helpful thank U. Man I'm struggling on the reaching out part!! 😔 Narcissistic parents n two months divorced from a grandiose malignant narc after 23 years of mental torture.... I just can't seem to do it plus the money Its got to cost. I've got two girls one is handicapped, got 3 years of divorce attorney bills.... Luckily I found Rebecca Zung who is an attorney who educates on narcs, n i won my divorce because of her. She mentions "Betterhelp". So they must have counselors who understand all this twisted stuff... 😔
Thank you for sharing this.. My partner's ex was a narcissist. As the new partner, I honestly couldn't believed that something like manipulation and abuse can be done to a man (she used stereotypes manipulation and threats).. My partner now is healing and doing complete no contact with her. However, I am as the new partner is stuck in fear (as Im the one who find out that ex have narcissistic behaviours) and I kept on ruminating about how did my partner fell for her traps and it somehow gives me paranoia that what if she's planning to ruin my relationship again (as she has threatened my partner to find who he is with after the discard).. I was living in fear but at the same time I love my partner so much and I can see how much my partner is growing and healing, just me still stuck in ruminating, looking at her social media finding her faults and next move. Ive told about this to my partner and he truly understand and still want to be with me.. But if I could ask Dr, would you do a video advice for a couple that is healing from past's ex narcissist abuse? And maybe some truths and advice for a new partner to better understand a partner who had narcissistic abuse in the past. Thank you ❤
I used to meet over 10 therapist over the years and refuted them because of their gaslighting me in my narc victim experience. They're stuck in their education views , not eager to take my pains as a real and doubt it. I broke and can't believe the new opportunities.
Can you make a video on how to soothe nervous system? Thank you for this video. From today I am stopping checking their social media. It is hard to see the same things and issues that I mentioned, he is using same words to woo someone. I am trying to focus on work, following one interest( thing I love to do as I don’t have the drive otherwise), working on my physical health recovery, chanting/meditation, and talking to people regarding courses which can help me up skill and I cook which I love. Taking each day as it comes. I want to emerge victorious… totally out of his control.
My therapist for 8 years, had a narc breakdown with me during the last 2 sessions. It's a mess dealing with her boss and I asked if there was a therapist that keeps up on the new information on mental health. The answer to me was ...' um um...'
Thank you for this video. I find your channel very useful. I totally agree on unfollowing the narcissist on social media. I even deleted my social media accounts altogether and also changed my cell phone number. I don't know if other survivors may face it but, in my case, I realized that I'm dealing with loneliness issues and that's why it was very hard for me to break up with the narcissist on first place. Unfortunately, as it is impossible to control other people actions to force them to befriend you, all you can do is to find a healthy way to cope. I decided to tackle music again as a hobby so as to keep my mind busy. Maybe there are other hobbies more appropriate depending on each one preferences. Best wishes to all of you. ♥
I want to thank you for all of your help! You're the only one who has been truly helpful because you are saying that we need to be able to be kind to ourselves, mostly because many of us have been trained to treat ourselves as crap from a very young age to the point of completely agreeing with the narcissist. We must learn that we are as valuable, and I'll dare to say even more valuable than the narcissist. Its really sad that the narcissist is digging their own shame pit, and all our lives we have lived in the pit that they are digging for themselves! It makes me sad for them because they are going to go through the hell we've gone through for our whole lives all at once! I can understand why they wouldn't want to face it, it would have the potential to kill them if they faced it. When they triggered all my past buried traumas at once it almost killed me, so i can only imagine if they had to face the music of how much they abused others for their own sake. Pretty destructive!
I didn't realise that I had past childhood trauma till it was triggered by my Ex Narc. The explosive, righteous rage finally drove him away. I feel a tinge of guilt now, but I realise that I couldn't have saved him even if I tried. He was borderline but has become severely narcissistic as he's aged. He's with new supply now, but doesn't look like its going to end well and I haven't even started divorce proceedings
Yes very helpful and I am getting professional help. I have always taken care of myself and found out " This is one thing that does need professional assistance". Thank you so very much for Reassuring all of us that we can get through this and we will.
I saw something that said “time does not heal, but time away from what is causing the problem does.” That’s so true. I have never watched his social media, but I’m guilty if some of the other things. Even when I knew what was happening with the new supply, I still questioned myself. He met his match with her and she played him and tried to have him arrested. Anyway, I do need to work on the not talking about it part. Thank you for this video.
Thanks for the video Dr Bashir (DS9 plug 😉) I have been out of narcissistic abuse for years and I've done what you're mentioning here. This is a confirmation video for me. 👍
Let's see (1) others checked his social media, another dude I rejected told my Mom via text he found a wallet, I nicknamed 100k (her supposed income according to the ex-friend), so I assume he is leeching off 100k. He will find fault with her too, just as he found fault with Sara before me, despite her money. 100k has to live in a 200k home in narcville, I don't. 100k is hard carrying him economically. If she stays a good wallet, narc wins in his world. Money literally is the only important thing to him. I just think today, If even Sara (despite her narcissism) wasn't enough of a wallet to him, no woman will ever be enough of a wallet to make him happy. He has no inner self. A normal relationship is way better than the drama of him.
Where exactly do you get help? Where do you find these "good people"? I'm allready in therapy, they clearly don't understand. And others just tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself.
The woman i was seeing claims a traumatic past, childhood and her first marriage. Her parents were pretty mean to her over the phone sometimes (i never met them, she never even told them about me) but she still drove her dad’s truck and took his money all the time after she spent her entire paycheck all the time. Maybe the money wasn’t coming from him? I have no idea, too many lies to unpeel.
Her life was very chaotic, she went several days without sleeping while we were together. Several times this happened. The Apartment was always a wreck, trash laying around and furniture or rugs or whatever constantly in shuffle. Dirty dishes, old pizza laying around, food spoiling in the fridge…. Craziness. Except the bathroom, the tub and toilet were spotless lol. Maybe it was all that adderal (aterol?) i dont know, maybe just leave the sleeping dog lay and move on is the best choice! I was dumped, but she still tried contacting me a few times to get some things back. I left them on the porch and have note responded to the texts.
How can any of you be convinced that there is anything even slightly wrong with you? I never had a moment's doubt about their nastiness and stupidity, both with my narc mother and my narc husband. He keeps on trying to do his best to persuade me everything is my problem. I just spit back in contempt and hate him even more. My problem is the growing anger and hatred which worries me I might lethally attack the cunning snake one day.
I've gotten ran around in circles by mental health professionals and routines don't work for me cuz I'm disabled and feel different levels of bad all the time even if I could beat my own brain
I see him as a dead rat that I never want to look at ever. I have no interest in looking at his social media. My issues are trust people again and rumination. He is still in my head and some cognitive dissonance.
However these methods are mostly from other cultures so this is something that is considered taboo depending on your cultural affiliation but in the end it's about you progressing and we all were one people a very long time ago which is why the methods work with everyone it's just hard to assimilate depending on your background
