Do You Navigate People? 4 Examples - Codependency and Trauma 

Try to spot one of my kittens trying to get into my office towards the end 😂😎

I caught myself asking a slightly sneaky question yesterday to my partner. “Are you warm, do you want me to turn on the AC?” They said no and I felt weirdly disappointed. Then I realized that *I* was the one who was feeling warm and wanted the AC on. I didn’t even realize it in the moment, my default was to defer to my partner.

What made it easy for me to move away from this behavior was to realize that they would push healthy people away while keeping toxic people around. Healthy people sense the manipulation in your eggshell-walking around them and feel automatically uncomfortable around someone who is terrified of taking up space and being authentic. It subtly communicates the message to them that you see them as a treat and that's not exactly a compliment. Healthy people WANT others to have boundaries because people with boundaries and preferences are inherently easier to be around and allow others to be themselves too.

“Allow others to experience you, not what you provide for them” is hitting me hard because my first impulse is, what I provide for others IS who/what I am. If I’m not providing for them, then what is there to experience? Not sure how to process that one, but definitely need to process it. I think I don’t have a sense of self or identity, I only see myself as what I can contribute. And at this stage in my life of chronic illness, I receive far more than I am able to give, and it’s been a huge point of self loathing that I have nothing to give or can’t reciprocate.

i'm currently living with a woman who got out of an abusive home recently and the roleplay at the beginning was EXACTLY how she talks. i thanked her for cleaning the sink recently and she responded by apologizing that she hadn't cleaned the rest of the bathroom. hope she becomes more comfortable as things go on because she deserves to be.

"Allow people to experience you, not what you provide." Well, that hit very deeply - exactly where it should.

"People pleasing is enjoyed by those who take advantage." Now I know that I need MUCH stronger boundaries!

I woke up one day in the past few weeks to my inner child being gone. That energy body within me that formed in my childhood, that used to run my life is integrated into the rest of me. I'm no longer reactive to every day situations, I don't get triggered and I can communicate to others much more effectively. My inner child has dissolved through doing a lot of this work consistently. I caught myself the other day instinctively enacting my boundaries with someone who was breadcrumbing me and trying to get me to self-abandon to meet their needs. Thats the same behaviour I would have accepted a year ago and responded to by codependently trying to please. I was so surprised with myself. I didn't recognize this new version of me. It made me so proud. My body is markedly more relaxed. I don't get adrenalized and the constant tightness in my belly and my stomach problems have all but disappeared. I no longer have crippling social anxiety on a daily basis. I can talk to strangers without feeling like crawling into myself. I feel so at ease. I feel so in control of my inner world and so at peace. This is why life felt so miserable and difficult before, because my inner world was so chaotic and reactive. I never imagined I could live in this state. This work is so rewarding❤

“Navigating the world without an adult behind you” was terrifying growing up. I feel like I lack a lot of things now on top of battling CPTSD.

9:45 "Give 80% instead of the 120% you're used to." - That's what I've been doing lately. It makes life a lot easier.

I absolutely love how you're empowering people to recognize these as beautiful and potent social skills that have assumed a maladaptive role in their lives. Because once they really work on and move through difficulty from their trauma they are now primed as some of the best people on the planet at these skills and can use that to improve their and others' lives.

I totally maneuver in these ways. Over explaining, and Guessing the outcome before an interaction. Being in as much control as possible makes me feel safe. You've explained Codependency far better than my therapist did when I brought up these issues with her. I appreciate the use of the word "Maneuvers" over Manipulations, since I'm not trying to do these things to hurt people; I'm just trying to be safe because I learned that I had to do this to protect myself with a neglectful, unpredictable parent in my childhood. Finally putting some things together. Thank you Patrick!

6:35 "KILL'EM WITH KINDNESS" - being totally accommodating to others. May be caused by having a moody parent or a selfless codependent parent. To counteract it, practice doing "good enough" behaviors. 10:48 "HEAD'EM OFF AT THE PASS" - predicting how others will react and getting out ahead of them; overexplaining. May be caused by having to fill in parental holes in the family; having perfectionistic parents; having to figure things out without any parental guidance. Experiment with not having a response for everything. Answer questions without a backstory or an apology. Stop forecasting other people's needs or trying to impress them with your ability to do that. Allow others to experience you, not what you provide for them. 15:44 "CHECK IT TIMES 5 (NOT TRUSTING)" - repeatedly questioning others, neurotically testing others to see if they are on the same page. Comes off as badgering others. May be caused by neglectful parenting, having experienced major catastrophes in childhood. Experiment with confirming plans with others only once. 20:22 "SNEAKY QUESTIONS" - asking indirect questions instead of expressing thoughts and requests directly. May be caused by parental overreactions to children's questions and requests. Try journaling about how being direct growing up wasn't safe and ways parents themselves were indirect.

The part about fulfilling others' needs without knowing our own hits so close to home...

Even that question “do you navigate people?” causes me so much discomfort and shame. Because the very fact that it’s a question means NOT doing it is an option which blows my mind while simultaneously causing me to realize it probably shouldn’t blow my mind.

I did this to my therapist once when she asked when to schedule our next meeting. I gave her the whole song and dance, like “does this work for you? If not I understand, it was my fault we missed a week, blah blah”. She said “Gennifer, I’m not an ogre 😏Next time, just tell me what works and it will be way faster for us both”. Totally put it into perspective for me! I am safe now, I don’t have to walk on eggshells with everyone in my life like I did as a child.

“Head em off at the pass” is basically my entire personality in a nutshell. I will perfectly position myself, make sure all the dominos are lined up with 10 contingencies, before I express myself. I always feel like I’m not “allowed” to be upset with someone else if I myself am not absolutely perfect. I make sure I have a prepared answer for everything and anticipate how I believe the other person will react to best keep the peace while making sure eyes aren’t on me. If I air a grievance I make sure to ask over and over if it isn’t actually MY fault they messed up (a huge problem at work). I would never “bother” my husband with anything because I didn’t want him to feel “obligated” to me, so I would always make excuses for him. I would try to make things easier for others while over complicating things, then have an absolute meltdown if anything messed up or someone got annoyed. Its the hardest codependent habit to break and I don’t know if I’m ready to yet, tbh. It feels safe.

That moment when he said "I'm proud of you" by validating my childhood survival traits slammed me so fast and so hard, I started crying out of nowhere and had to stop the video for nearly 30 minutes. How POWERFUL that childhood validation is. My nerves are already shot. I will come back to this later...

All of your subjects are hitting so close to home with me, the last couple months especially hard. Sometimes so much so that I find them difficult to watch. Sometimes I am not able for fear of spiralling and rumination. I keep trying. I appreciate that this information is here for me when I need it. 🙏🏻

When I was in my 20s and living away from home because I had bolted asap, I used to constantly apologize to people for my lack of social graces and explain to them “I was raised by wolves.” But it only really hit me in my 40s that I was neglected AND traumatized. And suddenly so much of my life (bad choices, weird reactions, odd inability to sense toxic people while also having a weird “spidey sense” about other people and situations) made so much sense. And it all came flooding back. The constant manipulation, lies, gaslighting, walking on eggshells, tauntings, and being scapegoated on top of being neglected and left to basically fend for myself. Recently my Mom passed and while researching her life for her obit I discovered that she lied about EVERYTHING. Many unnecessary things. It’s like she’s taunting me from the beyond.

Oof. Out of all of these (which I have done to some extent) that first example was me to a T. I kinda cringed a bit. Until you hear it coming back at you, it's really hard to gauge how others feel when you're giving them a zillion options. Looking at people like potential bombs, and trying to carefully defuse them is a great analogy. Thank you!

“Killing them with kindness is beneath you”- I really needed to hear this one. Now I need to put it in practice

Being direct is so hard for me...and changing plans when I need to is so hard. I even feel bad for calling the dentist to reschedule when something comes up. Logically I know they couldn't care less but for some reason I'm convinced there is disappointment.

thank you. for reminding me that I am allowed to exist. I am allowed to be human. and that I do not exist to please or fix other people. I am so grateful for your content.⭐️

The video hasn't even aired and I'm like 🖐🖐🖐 I call it "manouvering" though, that term better expresses what I feel in the heft of evaluating people's natures and manipulating the social environment to feel safe for everyone.

Growing up I didn’t know how to express my inner needs were not meant. I felt ashamed for having ‘extra’ needs from my parents. I was clothed, feed, and sheltered. We were lower class with little money. Love was something wealthy families could afford I thought. I was little adult taking care of my own needs and grew up to be a child because I was a child raising myself. I wasn’t a adult I had no skills to teach myself. I had only the ability to hide my parents downfall as not good enough parents to other adults.

Most of my fights with my husband have been because of this behavior. He hates it. But I was so immersed in it as a child that when someone tells me to stop, it feels like telling me that it would be nice if I stopped breathing oxygen. My parents were both crazy servants. Dad worked 80-100 hours a week at a non-profit and would go help someone who asked anytime day or night. It wasn’t weird for him to leave at 3am to go sit with someone. Don’t get me wrong, it’s kind of nice to have such an example of compassion-but it was just so so much. My Mom was the perfect housewife who made sure every possible guest need was not only prepared for, but ALWAYS prepared in case someone dropped by. A tissue box next to every seat, a trash can in every room, perpetually clean, and snacks kept for guests. Even the insides of cupboards in case someone checked inside (which unfortunately they sometimes did). They were also total perfectionists. Every conversation, school project, or performance was up for review. They meant well-but when I’d complain I was tired or I wanted to skip an opportunity to volunteer, I’d get called selfish or lazy. Whenever someone else made crazy inhuman sacrifices, it was held up for me as an example. I’d specifically feel almost ill when another person my age was held up as a paragon of some quality I’d just been told I lacked. Especially “mature.” I got called immature all the time. I don’t ever remember getting called mature myself. Even into adulthood and motherhood I’ve still been called immature. Then I go into a spiral of checking every square inch of my life for evidence of immaturity, ending in confusion for me. And how could I be upset? They were feeding the homeless and giving everything they had to others. I had nothing to point to to understand where they might be wrong. I feel guilty over any rest, even just going to bed early, always. I love my parents. They really are so generous. They just wanted to teach me compassion and generosity. There was just no room to breathe. I’ve improved somewhat. I’m really careful with my checking. The first two are still full on pathological conditions. They had hard childhoods with no permission to rest. I get it. I’m just working to teach work AND rest AND compassion to my kids. Oh, and every time someone else is direct it feels like they might as well be jumping out of a plane in front of me. I get that roller coaster scare in my stomach every time.

What i love about this guy is that he knows what he's talking about from experience, not just based on books read. I've been in therapy a number of times and have only had one good therapist. I felt with other therapists that they think they have you all figured out because they've talked with you a couple times and would tell me why i do certain things and they couldn't have been farther from the truth. Thanks for your videos!!!

I definitely over explain and say too much. I have these thoughts in the back of my mind in so many situations of people judging me, thinking I'm a horrible person, thinking I did something wrong. I think about people having bad intentions toward me all the time and it's not healthy.

Wow, this was so helpful. My father was emotionally unavailable and my mother's go to emotion was anger and rage. I was never shown healthy ways to communicate or have disagreements, or love someone. I negotiate around people because inside I feel that anyone can harbor that emotional time bomb. When they detonate I think "see, you know how unpredictable and unstable people are and you weren't ready". I would have given anything to have heard so many of your talks when I was little. It was the 70s. No computers, and awareness of childhood trauma was almost non existent. Thank You Patrick. Ive come a long way but I still have so much to work on.

My mother was raised to be kind, unselfish, and super Christian, and asking for something for yourself was bad. So when I shall visit her, she starts with: «When do you come?» Me: «When is best for you?» She: «It’s the same for me. You decide.» Me: «Ok, it’s best for me at 10. I can't be late.» She: «10-10:30?» Me: «Ok.» Then she calls a few hours later: «When will you come again? Was it 11?» Me: «10-10:30.» She: «Oh yes, 10.30-11.» The next days she calls several times to ‘confirm’ when I was coming, and you guess it, slowly she manipulates me to come at 12 o’clock which was her preferred time from the beginning. Both cute and sad. She is a very kind lady, but it’s sad to think about her whole life she was like this, never could speak out her own needs, and now she's ninety.

I was definitely a "head 'em off at the pass" person for years, with a touch of "kill 'em with kindness". I was constantly afraid of punishment or retaliation with my parents, so I needed to have an explanation planned for every malfeasance or perceived failure. This was especially present in my relationship with my narcissistic ex, for whom I'd have to walk on eggshells to avoid setting off his bad moods. I felt like if I just did everything perfectly, he wouldn't be angry or upset or bored with me. I didn't realize that not only was I never going to be good enough for him, NO ONE could ever be good enough for him in the long term, because he wanted impossible things. He wanted to have his cake, eat it too, AND have his girlfriend not respond negatively about it.

It's refreshing to hear someone else in the real world describe what mostly feels like my own parallel universe that nobody knows about. And exercises are great! And above all, the cat at 25:36 had me squealing ^o^

I'm tearing up a little bit listening to this. My childhood and now my marriage. Please pray for our healing. 😢

So pre-video I said that I practiced #1 and #4. Post-video I realize I use all 4. Everything hit home. I loved what your mentor shared with you that you had nothing to work with, you did your best. Me, too. I'm starting to feel less like a complete failure and instead proud of myself for having navigated...and survived...a hellish childhood. Again, thank you for what you do.

Both of my parents were emotionally damaged and their parenting style, especially towards me and my older brother ( the first two children) was extremely unpredictable and very physically abusive, but also very emotionally abusive. I've really struggled with decisions, being direct, having personal boundaries and the like. What I've come to recognize over the decades of life is the damage of such a childhood is compounded by judgmental people throughout life because rather than coming from a place of compassionate understanding that we who are badly abused did not choose or deserve the abuse and subsequent damage and don't live accordingly, intentionally, but rather out of ignorance and well established survival strategies. So until we find the help we need we are simply further abused by society. I'm truly thankful for videos such as this both to help myself as well as to, hopefully, enlightened others, with the hope they will learn to be kind and compassionate towards those who have yet to heal from the damage of childhood abuse.

I’m a fixer. It came up in an assessment as having a “McGyver” quality. It’s great to be resourceful as long as you don’t allow people to exploit it. Thank you, Patrick! ☀️

This video made me feel so shocked. I literally heard you speak as I usually speak to people in that first section. Thank you so much for this content and the way you basically act out different scenarios so we can really understand what you mean. Very helpful.

This is too relatable! It can be really obvious that we feel "less than" the person we're talking to, which can make being professional really confusing. I recently got promoted to a manager role and navigating all those power dynamics is the hardest part. In meetings with my team, I feel like I'm coming off controlling or micro-managey because I'm trying so hard to avoid that impulse to cater to them. Meanwhile with my boss, I get so intimidated that I freeze up and come off as airheaded or unprepared, when I really did prepare. I'm so used to acting inferior to other people that I don't know what a normal level of respect looks like. I'm really grateful that I got this promotion because it gives me an opportunity to really work on this stuff. I just hate feeling like I might be letting people down, because I genuinely respect my team AND my manager and I wish I was better at showing it. But I have to believe that they wouldn't have chosen me for this role if they didn't think I would be capable as I am. Definitely lots to work on, but I'm trying to stay positive and do my best!

This doctor is amazing! He made me realize that my "safe" parent expected perfection from me.. So perfection is love. Ugh. Wish I would have discovered this years ago. Hope I didn't damage my children too much.

I’m 76 and just beginning to understand that I grew up with domestic violence. I have not understood why I am so uncomfortable in relationships- always doubting my self, my feelings, and my needs. I have been aware that image management is very important to me to feel safe from criticism or abandonment. I so appreciate these explanations as they give me a way of understanding myself better. My hope is that I will come to accept and appreciate myself and maybe be comfortable in my own skin.

0:12 - 1:10 has happened countless times with my husband. He thinks I'm a rageaholic, and I can't get him to stop treating me like he treated his mom. I'm not her. He just can't SEE me. It feels terrible to be treated like a controlling monster. ANY expression of my normal human annoyance, hurt or disappointment feeds his confirmation bias. He never got permission to just have normal healthy annoyance and disappointment, so if I do it, he feels attacked. He sees me as unreasonable, impossible to please. He feels unsafe with me because... I have normal feelings. Because the old tricks that appeased his mother just don't work on me, because I don't need them. This isn't a marriage. It's a slave-master relationship with an imaginary master.

Please consider doing a video on how to find out what we want and need, after we pull back all of these strategies. And thanks again for all of the specific suggestions /tips on this vIdeo!!!

You nailed this one Patrick! Yes, exhaustive, (and almost comical) especially when it's two co-dependents trying to manage each other's co-dependency.

Thank you Patrick, I do all this stuff and it makes me feel like a doormat and no one even ends up caring what I do anyway

Wow, interesting. I've done a version of this for a long time that is more like "it doesn't matter, your choice" or "I have no preference"... And I would genuinely not have one. This would frustrate my husband. Of course his frustration mystified me. As I've gotten older, I personally celebrate having actual preferences that I voice and stick to. I intuitively knew it was growing up, not selfishness. Quite the revelation!

Types of codependent navigating #1 kill them with kindness 6:33 #2 heading them off with a pass 10:42 #3 check it out x 5 (not trusting) 15:41 #4 sneaky questions 20:16

You mentioned that there were a lot of food examples in this video. Have you done a video about how food is used as a control mechanism by the controlling entity in a CPTSD dynamic? If so, could you provide a link? I've dealt with that my whole life and would really be interested in hearing your views on that. Thanks for all you do!

I appreciate these videos so much. They are so healing- they hold up a mirror to many of my issues. The role play at the beginning sounds so much like me 🙈 I'm not only terrified of saying the wrong thing, but it honestly feels impossible most of the time 😔 I learned at a very young age that it's not safe to ask questions or speak up. I'm the youngest of 5 so I learned a lot by watching my mom's wrath being taken out on my older siblings. I learned how to avoid setting off the ticking time bomb... so she made me her "golden child" for a long time. But once I started speaking up and choosing my own path in life, her wrath finally turned on me. We haven't spoken in years.

Great video. Thank you! My codependent mother would cook like 50 different dishes for sunday family meals and it was uncomfortable for everybody. I learned a lot of these behaviours and am now unlearning. Thank you.

I try not to be like this but I end up in a cycle of shame and guilt because I feel like a bitch 😔

About the countdown that your dad did, I see why that's very annoying. My husband does something a bit like that, kind of announces "leaving in 1 hour/ 20 minutes" and I LOVE it. With ADHD and time blindness, that sort of thing is extremely helpful. When he's not there I set timers to help me notice the time passing.

I think one of the worst things is when two parents are each a different type of toxic.

I needed to hear this today.I would really like to teach my inner child that trying to anticipate everyones needs and reactions isn't required for safety anymore, it takes up so much energy! I'm thankful for the help surviving my childhood and trying hard to reparent myself. It's hard. Thanks for this video, it helps me be reflective and gives me new perspectives on myself and my parents.

Our overtures are always contingent on something the other person does or thinks-instead of being direct. Some of us don’t have a clue what we want except not to get yelled at or hurt!

this is some rare source that constantly confirm that I was right about things . people can be very vulnerable growing up in a chaotic, criticizing, humiliating and hypocritical environment

This was so incredibly helpful. Thank you so much. I often feel like I’ve fallen between the cracks because I didn’t experience typical childhood trauma, but more of a low grade dysfunction. I truly feel my parents did the best they knew how, but there was a disconnect that led me to people pleasing and navigating explained here. While I feel at peace with my folks and where they came from, I’m starting to understand why I perceive and do the things I do now, at 50. So helpful! You’re awesome!

I tense up at just the phrase, "childhood trauma" - I spend so much time "understanding" my parents that I forget to acknowledge my childhood was nuts and traumatizing. I'm sticking with this video despite every part of me wanting to turn it off. Hence writing a comment to keep me listening.

Killing them with kindness is like a fawn trauma response.

After my grandmother died when I was 20, I felt like I had to take the role of being Santa at Christmas for my underage siblings because I knew my parents weren't going to do it. I can't tell you how many thousands of dollars I sunk into what was not my responsibility. This even extends into "family pets" that my family members would acquire, would not take care of, and then I got stuck with vet bills and general care. Hilariously enough, I've been removed from the situation for 8 years now, and just recently got an email from the vet for my mother's dog. HER dog. Not mine, but it came to me because that's who used to pay all the goddamn bills for the dog. But you're totally right, I did it to feel seen, even for a minute. And that's usually about how long it lasted. I'm glad I'm not bankrupting myself trying impress these bunch of assholes anymore.

You couldn't get a straight answer from people in my family. I still live a life of the unknown. I finally did a family cut off because these dysfunctional patterns don't change. It's time for me to heal.

This has me wondering about how I strongly leaning towards being very direct and wanting very clear explanations and descriptions.

I think a very large part of the grief in healing from parental narc abuse, codependency and people pleasing is the realization of the extraordinary amount of time, effort, energy, talent and sacrifice was so misdirected & wasted. I was conditioned to believe my life was to serve. And I did, exceptionally well. But instead of getting to take pride in a job well done, achievement or praise or accolades or rewards for all of that time, effort, creativity and sacrafice, to find that it was really misdirected, maladaptive and literally a waste of much of my life makes the enormous grief at the realization that much more painful.

I was pretty neglected as a child and literally raised myself.But due to extensive reading and knowledge seeking about all the psychological issues I could develop because of that childhood neglect I ended up being cold and guarded all my life and selectively kind to people who are kind to me.My childhood neglect did not soften me up ,it toughen me up.I say all that comes to my mind without any guilt

It felt like you were impersonating my mother for the first minute lol. Thank you for validating how it feels to be on the receiving end of that!! I get why she does it, but it really doesn't feel good to be treated like a bomb.

Man. I'm so glad I found you through shorts. Your calm demeanor and gentle encouragement is very, very healing to my inner child. I think I've already been doing a lot of work internally to be at the point I am now where I *am* standing up for myself more and I *am* allowing myself to take up space. But I'm also so happy for this channel because you not only put names and words to these things we feel but also talk about it without judgement. I can learn and grow and not be afraid; the fact that I'm changing doesn't mean I wasn't good enough, changing is the *point.* I want to be happy. I want to be an interesting person! And I'm gonna do it!!!

Definitely "killing w/kindness for me". I can remember being shamed by my "moody, narcissist father". Also, the church I was in. Always helping people I hardly knew. I'm aware I do that. But thanks for explaining....and reminding me. Great vid

I love how specific and non-vague these videos are, it's the kind of wisdom and knowledge you can't learn in books. Some really great content on this channel.

I did those all the time. I didn't know why and blame myself for being weird. Thank you for conceptualizing them. That makes a lot of sense.

Pretty much everything aside from the Confirm 5 Times hits close to home for me. I had always been complimented on my patience, thoughtfulness and kindness from toxic people and abusers… it hurts knowing that those traits truly are not authentic as I once thought them to be. being formed as this people-pleasing golden child from day one, I just assumed that these actions were just… me. The only problem is, I don’t know who I am outside of these habits and behaviours. I don’t know how to take up space, or how to be direct. If someone asks me for a preference, I just… blank entirely. I don’t know who I am, and it scares me to know that the one aspect of me I thought I knew to be true is also another mask. Another way of coping. Thank you for this, I’m going to find the help I need.

Thank you so much Patrick!!! Don't know if I am the only one that requested this video, but it's so so helpful! Giving vocabulary and context to understand my codependent strategies. This is straight up me. ❤️

this video about navigating people has given me the root of my problems…I am so afraid of being direct with people, that no one really knows who I am. - I am so grateful for you and thank you so much for your clear sightedness.

I never knew how much I needed therapeutic advice and awareness like this. Thank you so much for sharing your work like this 🙏🏻

@25:40 - Cat's paw under the door, " Dad, how much more direct can I be. I need me some treatos."

My mom does all of these. Sometimes to get a straight answer from her, I have to do the sneaky questions. It's like I have to have to speak her language lol. It's kind of funny but mostly sad. It's exhausting. I don't want to have to sus out the information, one little piece at a time. I don't want to have to put so much energy into practically manipulating her into accidentally giving away her true answer, when it could have been a simple yes or no, and we move on with our lives. But if I don't play that game, it seems liked I'll never get that clarity and sometimes it is very much needed.

That kitty paw under the door is adorable. I'm just beginning to understand my childhood. Until recently, I thought these behaviors were an improvement over "I'll get mad before you have a chance to get mad" or "my rage will out do yours" Usually I'll think of all the ways someone might get mad and try to over explain how I already fixed it or how we avoid it. I'm glad I found this channel.

on the bright side, being a navigator made me into a fantastic waitress! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Man, this one hit home. Coupled with childhood trauma, my mother got very sick very quickly when I was in my final year of high school, and her condition has been misunderstood multiple times by the medical establishment (first an undiagnosed untreated thing from childhood, and when that was finally acted upon, another one seemingly acquired after a holiday that has yet to be properly addressed) and so has been chronically ill for over a decade. She's now on pain medication for it and she always under-treats because she doesn't want to get addicted, or feel out-of-it, or mask pain to the point where she might overdo it acting normally and pay for it later. So I have this ongoing, daily trauma from feeling like I have to watch her suffer and have little help from the only people who can actually help her, completely on my own. Even though I've been getting therapy, this is the first time I've seen this behaviour explained, and couple this problem with hypervigilance I'm a fucking nightmare. It's especially tricky because Mum actually does need me to anticipate her needs sometimes, but she was always very independent and self-motivated and hates being unable to do things or needing help. I dance around everything trying to make sure I don't upset my mum even though she's almost never upset, always reassuring and encouraging. I have difficulty making phone calls where I need to ask someone something I'm not sure they'll want to or are supposed to provide, and if I can't anticipate the questions they may ask or rationalise in a way my anxiety will accept, I just can't make the call. I'm a woman and having experienced how doctors act when a patient has direct requests, I am so terrible at directly asking for anything from them for her, because being direct as a woman is already a risk, being direct with a doctor runs the risk of not just them denying or being annoyed, but they have the power to write things down that other doctors will read and act upon. I have excuses and reasoning ready for anything, any time. Any question or observation will be rationalised and 'it's probably just'-ed by me instantly. Short of clapping my hands over my mouth I have been able to not do that like 3% of the time when I get that impulse. I am a funny person but I've lost almost all my effectiveness with it because I have to jump in and explain that it's just a joke and that I'm not trying to make fun of anyone etc.. I am better at it now, but I never asked friends 'do you want to do this on Sunday'; it was always 'hey so what are you doing on the weekend, how do you feel about this thing just like generally, what do you think about the weather how tired are you etc to finally get to asking, just to feel out if they would want it or if it would be an imposition. And it makes me a really negative person. I seem like I shoot down every idea by pointing out the flaws or potential problems, but I can't stop my brain from finding every single potential issue because it's the first step in fixing a problem or making sure the problem never happens. Why face problems as they occur if you can simply head them off at the pass? It pisses people off and it stops me from starting anything. Thanks to this I think I can take these named issues into a therapist, when I find a new one (had a good one who just retired), and address them directly. But knowing about them in a more concrete way just from this video and having some plans for addressing them means I can actually start to fix a major problem with myself that's been irritating people I care about and driving my self-esteem into the dirt for **years**.

I don't like people, no one likes me, I'm also an introvert and I like to avoid people/unnecessary conflicts whenever possible. If I'm at work I'm usually unable to do that..

I used to be extremely timid/fearful. After making friends with someone who was a fairly healthy person, I muddled through some self-healing work on my own-lots of journaling and taking those healthy behavior changes one step at a time-but the one thing I struggle with to this day is ‘sneaky questions.’ A good name for it lol. These days, I do actually catch myself asking them rather than letting them fly out totally unnoticed-I usually then append it with a “the reason I’m asking X question is Y information I actually wanted to know.” It’s been my partner helping me the most with this: he knows me well enough to tell that the vibe is a little off when I ask something ‘sneaky.’ There’ll be a pause as he tries to suss out the real reason for the question, and it helps me realize I’m not asking straightforwardly!

Answer things with NO back story. That's the basis of my life. I've been practicing. Trying to keep things to one sentence vs a paragraph. I always feel something is left unsaid and that person might not get it. Low and behold I am controlling from childhood trauma. 🤦

Oh crap. That’s me…even now that I”m 73 and my father is gone. I always feel like I’m not doing well enough or not being kind enough. I over explain my reasons or my motivation. My father was very critical and difficult to please. He thought there was no excuse for children not thinking like adults. I tried to be perfect out of shame and worry. My father was so mercurial. He seemed to relish saying we would go to the drive in movies, or the fair, and then changing his mind at the very last minute when he could see we were dressed and read to go. You HAD to be ready, or he wouldn’t go. And there was no asking for reassurance if we were still going to go or he’d snap at us that he changed his mind. And we didn’t dare let on that we were disappointed. I fee like my life has been one long string of groveling and apologies. Yes, I guess I am manipulative in a low pressure way, hoping to figure out what everyone else wants so I can keep them happy. We did NOT ask questions because nothing was any of our business. We did NOT ask for things. Anything we got had to be a product of his largess.of his. If I needed something I asked my mother, but if it meant her asking Papa for money I would just skip it. My childhood was one of constant apprehension.

I didn't think I would relate to the second point, until I realized that without being asked, I made a whole presentation about what I've been doing lately, just in case. Even though I am present at my desk constantly focused on relevant projects, the lack of deliverables makes me feel insecure; they might think I'm not doing anything. As if not having something perfectly tangible every other day is the end of the world and won't be accepted. I have this innate feeling that no one trusts me, especially my boss. Even though I have never been given evidence of it, I fear that some imagined, looming obsolescence will strike me suddenly and critically. Through my actions I'm trying to scream, "I'm not useless, I can help, please don't give up on me." I don't know how else to be, and it's exhausting. Why can't I just believe that people like me?

Is it possible to have interpersonal trauma without family abuse? I relate to a LOT of the symptoms you bring up in your videos, but my family was (and continues to be) very loving and, well... normal.

My mom lived by the "kill them with kindness" mantra and taught my sisters and I to live by it. (My mom had a very abusive, terrible childhood.) I never realized how unhealthy it was until I started watching Patrick's videos, and how much she really raised us to be codependent. It feels so freeing to unlearn these "traits" and healing toward finding my authentic self ♥️ Thank you for these videos!

You mention journaling specific moments when it was dangerous to ask questions/be direct, but what if we don't remember our childhood that well? (I've read that can be a sign of abuse, but it's weird I remember a lot of the abuse quite clearly but not so much the day-to-day). Also would you ever do a video specifically on physical abuse? Not necessarily hitting but a parent throwing or breaking something of the child's

@ 25:39 in this video -- That cat paw under the door! 😂

This was very helpful, thank you. I've known I have codependent behaviors/strategies for a while, and seeing myself in each of these examples is so useful to me now as I am working in my adulthood to learn new ways of interacting with myself and others.

It’s difficult to think of codep as “manipulating” anything - since Were are not conscious of what we are doing. But your opening example is so apt - one can feel the intention in all. me, the control has to do with repressed rage in ny former spouse and my Late father -

I just can't believe you're here on RU-vid helping us with all this. I'm trying out the response experiments and the writing exercise about how significant others in my life aren't like my abusive parents. I'm in therapy but she doesn't give me cool exercises like this. Thank you 🙏❤

This really resonated. Found myself cringing at myself a few times. Regarding the indirect questions, in my family there are a couple of people who do it as a form of manipulation - you will feel you are being slimed becase info is being elicited from you but you don't know why at the time.

Thanks for the video. In life ,I often find myself saying "Life is so hard for me Or Why are things so diffixult?" After watching this video I can see how much thought.time and effort that goes into navigating and not being authentic and its freaking exhausting and provokes so much anxiety and I now realize how difficult I am making things by not always taking a direct path with others. This was a big eye opener.. Thanks

God so exhausting-too many people in my life I feel overwhelmed by. And yes many are “bombs.” One who literally tells me exactly what she will accept in great detail. Shames me if I don’t follow what she loudly proclaims as her “Rules”. Even though there are so many I can’t keep them straight and it feels humiliating to have someone literally insist on a specific wine label and minimum price plus everything else brought to share must be from a certain store, organic etc etc I just feel stressed now with any encounter. Feels like she just doesn’t think I measure up to merit her presence/meal standards. Ugh 😑

I've been doing this so long that I don't have strong preferences anymore hardly ever. If I do feel strongly, I do better at expressing that now, very directly

“…you see things that need to be done, …” Nailed it!

I leave most social interactions thinking I'm overly guarded AND naive at the same time. I grew up hearing my mom rant about how no one is ever there for you, how love doesn't exist, how friendship is merely just two people using each other. She's extremely paranoid about everything and everyone-I grew up watching documentaries about drugs, true crime, teen pregnancy, cyber bullying, stalking, etc. and didn't really ever go out because I had no friends. The result? One day you turn 17 and look around and realize there's a million experiences you don't understand. You know the theoretical side of things, you know a rapist might be following you home if you're out and about at night, but you've never been. And you've never tried alcohol, and you've never talked to strangers on the net, and you've never done all these things your peers know by heart. And since you've only been taught to avoid them, you have no idea what to do when they actually happen, but the rest of people your age seem so chill about them because they've been there before. So you come to realize there's an inevitable distance between you and them and the real world, even if “the real world” is all your parents have been preparing you for your entire life. Your peers notice that too, and you know they know, and it makes you feel so behind in life. So unprotected and dumb. So naive. Even though you've always been told not to trust a soul

Nice video. This really shows the ways that codependency lingers even if we've moved on in our lives in other ways. Thanks for your continued work, Patrick!

I disagree with the "sneaky questions" point, beyond that maybe some people do those excessively with ulterior motives. But as someone from an east asian background, I just think it's polite and thoughtful to check in with someone before "directing" a request or demand. I think it is largely cultural. For example, a friend is studying for final exams in university. You're done your exams and wanna go watch a movie. You might ask them, "hey, how are exams going?" to see if they're done yet, and acknowledge they might still be super stressed about that, before you automatically jump in "hey, want to go watch a movie" or "hey, let's go watch a movie", KNOWING full well they'll have to decline and feel bad about missing out potentially. If they say they're super busy still, you might consider NOT asking till they're done exams, or frame it as "good luck! once you're done maybe we can go watch xyz together!" Even though I grew up in North America, I ALWAYS notice when thoughtful people can acknowledge and be supportive of your reality before inserting requests and demands. Further to the point, I had an abusive ex that will NEVER check in, will always make everything about him and his wants. I'll tell him my work schedule and he'll constantly want to talk or want me to go do things with him while I'm at work, without ever asking if I'm free. Regardless, it's considered super rude and inconsiderate in east asian culture to be overly direct. And there are absolutely better and worse times to ask direct questions (e.g. maybe don't ask to borrow money from someone immediately after they lost their job; maybe ask them how they're doing financially first). In most of your examples, I probably wouldn't stay friends with people who make it all about them without checking in with what's going on with me first. Being too direct is an "individualistic" focus. Asking those indirect questions to understand someone else's situation and being thoughtful of others' circumstances is a "communal" focus. Your so-called "sneaky questions" are also super appropriate in dating contexts. You might suss out if someone is looking to date and/or has a partner already before asking them out. Otherwise it's just awkward. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked out and even harassed even after I've told the person (without them asking) I already have a partner and/or am not looking to date. I will ALWAYS appreciate the guys that took time to ask and consider my situation first, even something as simple as "are you seeing anyone?". It's usually obvious why they're asking the indirect questions, and exactly like you said, it's a softer, more selfless approach that might actually save any preexisting friendships or acquaintanceships.

Point taken - I don’t want to be indirect. Think my fear of others anger and abandonment fuels my hesitation. But if in reality I am not measuring up or acceptable to them, it’s torture to keep trying because they just keep moving the goal line. Better to remain myself and deal with reality not my wishful thinking regarding a relationship with another.

One of my symptoms is that I'm overly trusting. I'm 64, and I finally learned, but not until I suffered severe domestic violence. My mom went through AA, but forgot the step 12. I'm never good enough. My picture looks awful. I was the worst baby ever. I stole her curly hair. She dumped my brother and I off at an orphanage in 1972. We were immediately separated from each other. I couldn't handle being in an institution and I was told there too that nobody would want me because I was already 11. I jumped the fence during playtime and I never went back. My brother died and my mom is still mean to me. I haven't seen her face in 20 years and it was so long before that, that at first I couldn't figure out who it was. My automatic reaction was to run inside and lock the door. She was begging to come in. Ironically I was on my way to my brother's funeral but she didn't know he died. He didn't want anything to do with any of our relatives because they all added to our suffering. I usually have her blocked on my phone but I don't right now and she sends me a text that she's coming in August. Of course near my birthday, but definitely not to celebrate it or even mention it. I self sabotaged my whole life except my career. I left every single good relationship out of fear of not being good enough and also I thought i was beating them to the punch of abandoning me. What in the world do I do with my mom coming here. I didn't respond. I was an afterthought as well. She knew well ahead of yesterday of these plans. When I try to heal the past with her, she denies it ever happened and then I say, well how come you took us to the orphanage? Her brother was going to adopt me and his counselor said I would always want my mom( nothing could be further from the truth) and I would never adjust so he threw me in the car with zero explanation and took me back to the orphanage which was a half mile from his house 😢 I wish I had learned all this decades ago. We didn't have single parents, we had illegitimate kids. I was taunted for that and my appearance of of neglected child. My mom even came right into my 3rd grade class and grabbed me by the hair, pulled me down 3 flights of stairs and no one stopped, no one seemed to even notice and nobody cared. She threw me in the car and I had a horrific beating when I got home. She hit me with anything in her reach, lamps, broomstick, hangers, electric cords. She denied me of my feelings, my value as a human, and she separated me from what family I did have. To this day, I'm still an outsider. They probably think I'm playing the victim and I just want to belong 😢