Codependency and Complex Trauma - Part 1/10 

Once I realized I was codependent and learned what a boundary was, my family HATED it. They like passive, pushover me. This is the hardest thing I've ever done but I'm never going back to old me 😊

"So they're dying inside trying to give somebody else Life who doesn't want Life." He just described my childhood.

My therapist says that it is like setting yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm

Needing a relationship to prove that you are lovable... Needing to solve everyone's problems to be valuable... *crys*

I’m in recovery from substance abuse. As a man, it’s tough to say out loud. “Yeah, I am a codependent”. Even though I learned it from my parents, I still feel shame and guilt about it. Blame myself, which isn’t fair. A symptom of codependency is an inability to love and respect yourself. One of the things I committed to in my own recovery was no dating, no sex, no relationships until I heal. Unhealthy relationships have been destructive to me even more so than the substance abuse.

Unfortunately I see myself as the narcissist in this situation … I can’t believe I didn’t realize how inappropriate my behavior was when I was dating my ex… I’m really glad I found this page and I owe my ex a long apology…

First of all, i am a single woman of color who has learned the hard way, from lots of abandonment from family, and others throughout my young life. I can honestly admit that i now see and realize sadly so, that i havent had a true 'relationship', i only had 'situationships' w/toxic unhealthy ppl. I am now glad to live alone, being celibate & letting my heart, mind & soul heal from trauma. I am 62, independent & not willing to be traumatized by anyone toxic any more the rest of my life. I have many health problems and i need peace & my life is so much better by being alone. Codependency is not for me. Its a trap & a death sentence as far as im concerned. My spirituality is more important to me than being trapped & stuck like an animal in a cage w/someone who mistreats me every day of my life. Im a single woman of color who is proud of myself for loving my own company and i dont miss situationships

This guy is the greatest therapist in the game. He is on topic with laser precision. Dense and no fluff. A genius.

“ They’re dying inside to give life to somebody else.” And that’s how you become bitter and resentful.

"Codependency is the dance of wounded souls." #deep

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family with an alcoholic abusive narc father and a codependent mother . They were both so immersed in each other that my brother and I seemed to just be in the way. I’m so so thankful I found your videos. Finally at 48 I am healing and learning how to re parent myself and notice my own negative patterns that I have including co dependency . These videos are honestly valuable beyond words ❤

You can't have an honest relationship with someone who can't take accountability for their bad traits. Impossible* 🐉🔆🌈

Wow, this is probably the best explanation for complex PTSD/codependency. Thank you for this.

I am so grateful for your studies. I am 83 years old and have lived with a narcissist for 65 years. Finally I can let myself off the hook!!!! and better these last years of my miserable life. It feels really good. I so hope my estranged children can hear this message and get help for themselves. Our one son has made it through and is a wonder.

Wow. Did this for 10 years with someone and now see we were both doing it. We were both trying to fix the other's wounds. It took a good three years of intense therapy and quitting alcohol to see that. Literally while watching this video for school. Thank you.

this is absolutely insane . like he said in the beginning, it will feel like our stories are being narrated and thats exactly how i felt. if i could print out this transcript, i could highlight every sentence and remember 10 examples for every highlight. my mind is blown and i feel awoken now in my late thirties

I didn't know I was co-dependent until very recent. I am addicted to how people respond to me and I hate it. I am a huge people pleaser and always looking for validation to see if we are ok and it is mentally exhausting. I am trying to pull back from people but it is painful as I feel like I will be replaced by someone better all of the time if I don't make an effort, or see them interact with other people.

20:50: I burst into laughter when Tim said "I have to develop a radar for their mood". Holy smokes, being able to tell the mood forecast for the evening from the way they walk around the house... 23:22: And then I nearly cried when he said "I can't be convinced you love me until you have no friends and no family" because that is also true...

There are so many videos on this subject out there but your level of insight and ability to convey such complex material is incredible Thank you so much

Sometime they’re on the spectrum and not a classic narcissist. It is as triggering or more in my opinion. Very crazy-making for us deeply caring types. All our needs go out the window trying to figure them out and make them happy.

When there’s a disagreement, when I need to say YES or when I need to say NO, when I need to state my needs, and ask for them to be met... When I need to create boundaries... There's a possibility and a probability, that someone will inevitably, most likely, be disappointed in me... So I engage in every encounter, interaction, and relationship... In a way that ensures, that the person disappointed in me... NEVER ends up being me! I aim to never repress, never suppress. I aim to never lose a part of myself. Radical honesty only: 100% of the time. Always, all ways.

Good luck to everyone on their journey. It's painful, but worth every bit.

I have been in this cycle for far too long (I’m 55 years old) It wasn’t until I finally reached “I can not be a door mat for others to wipe this crap on anymore !” and found information on codependency and manipulation ..... I am now on the search for being a healthy woman living a better life for me .... Thank you Tim for helping many many many . God bless you Love and light Namaste 🙏

Literally described my relationship with my parents: My dad was the narcissist and in charge and my mom needed rescuing so I was set up perfectly for codependent tendencies, always making sure everyone around me was happy nearly killed me!

Relationship with a covert narcissist looks more insidious than with an overt one surely. Feels like a double bind.

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

I just recently had an argument with my sister regarding her lifelong lack of responsibility and how I enabled her. At an early age, my mom drilled it in my head that I was responsible for myself and my sister. Listening to Mr. Fletcher, I realize how codependent I am. I ask God to make me whole. It's not a coincidence that I was led to these videos.

I cried listening to his explanation of how loving God actually is. I thought the codependency description was profound, but he just tied things together in a way no one ever has before about Christianity and God. If you have no interest in God, I would encourage you to listen to the codependency part 100%. But if you have even the slightest willingness to, I would urge anyone to listen to the second half, about God.

Upon hearing "If you leave me, can I come with you?" it brought tears to my eyes because that is how I think even if the situation is toxic. I formed a toxic attachment to my husband at a young age which lasted for 17yrs. I have an insecure attachment to my father. He left and later divorced my mom when I was 4... and I was never good enough. The siblings from his next marriage were his shining stars. He was always negative... I somehow chose a husband that seemed to be my best friend at first but turned out to be very similar to my dad, and our marriage became me constantly trying to be good enough and to gain his approval... which never seemed to happen until I was discarded (I feel like my issues caused him to do the grotesque things that he did... but I would never do those things to anyone). Even then, after alot... I still love him and wanted him to value me. That is when it dawned on me that something is wrong with me, and I need help... which I'm trying to seek. Thank you so much for your videos.

I cried through out the entire video because everything he said resonated with me. Listening to this video also helped me recall a long-forgotten memory that had been challenging for me to recall. It seemed like I was going through my childhood trauma all over again. He actually helped me understand why I've been developing harmful qualities since I was a kid. Though difficult, I needed it, therefore I appreciate him for providing me with greater clarity 🙏🏼✨

This hit home so hard. Growing up in a dysfunctional family and now being in a relationship where I basically have no needs. I am dancing around a person who is so damaged and I’m trying to “fix myself” to accommodate him and be what he needs.

I always skip the religious parts of Tim's videos, but wow, his insights on trauma and mental health have helped me so much with my own mental health journey. It's amazing how a lot of the things he says describes me and my past so accurately, I'd almost think he knew me personally. It's definitely giving me a new perspective on how to deal with mental and emotional issues.

I am exhausted from myself I want to be free and find happiness within myself. Honesty Trust Respect is what I need to give myself. I am so grateful for this video. Thank you very much!

This lecturer is saying absolutely right things. He is excellent 👏. Bravo!

Honesty Trust Respect = A Healthy Relationship “Co Dependency is how a shame based person approaches relationships” Complex trauma happens where the person with the most power is a Narcissist They make “IT” ALL ABOUT THEM… Narc abuses others who don’t worship them

I need everyone, everywhere, to watch this.

14 minutes in and I've got my face in my hands, weeping. At 20 minutes, you described my childhood belief which crashed into a million pieces once I realized it wasn't working: "No matter how many Straight A's I get, it won't make them happy [together]." Thank you for this hard lesson, Mr. Fletcher. I appreciate your Christian teaching, as I do believe that God is the Pure Essence of Love and Peace; your explanation of God's love for us, comforted my heart and I am grateful for your candidness and hope to learn from these lessons. God bless you...💔🙏

Co-dependency is a silent assassin

I've been coming to the realization that I have codependent tendencies, but this video shook me like nothing before. I'm ready to see and grieve that I was never allowed to be a person. I also can't get over the fact there is a guy out there who is a Christian and talks eloquently about complex trauma. That's a lot for one day.

OMG this is so spot on. I am so thankful for mental health research and all the resources available today!!!!! Man i wish 20 years ago I/we wouldve known all of this.

As BPD im avoidant until i get codependant, which then leads to substance abuse. everything is so spot on. love this video.

I appreciate the video. And It's not always true that you don't want to be alone because your the greatest fear is that there unlovable. People who come from neglect and abandonment. It's painful and terrifying to re-experience abandonment.

Many of these codependent people are highly accomplished and hide behind their success! It’s the veneer that they cannot drop. This video is phenomenal.

I've got to say I'm not an religious man, I've had a lot of trauma in my lifetime, mental and physical, by coming across this podcast, you have highly educated me, I give you my greater thanks for this education 🙏😇💞

I am at 47 mins in and can I just express my heartfelt deep gratitude for this! It’s FREE and phenomenal especially with helping me gain a better understanding of how I have managed my relationship with a man I love deeply but who is a narcissist, definitely a victim of complex trauma in childhood and codependent. I have wanted to honour God and yet the world says do this and do that, I just wanted to honour God and this has clarified that I have. I am so so grateful to God for this video, this presentation and this man! Thank you🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻

I am struggling to let go of a very toxic abusive relationship. He never believed he was the problem and he justified all the bad things he ever did. He never had remorse. And I realized that it’s me with the problem. I need to learn to love myself. Something is wrong with me and this video is eye opening for me.

So true!! I'm 59 and I spent all my life trying to "plead" my case in a logical fashion to what I now find out is a Covert Narcissist mother, enabling emotionally distant if not emotionally absent father, covert narcissist older sister and golden child younger brother. I have one other much younger brother who is an alcoholic who at least will discuss mistakes but the entire rest of the family has attacked me since as early as I can remember for just trying to state very obvious dysfunctional truths and wanting to fix them. I really began to think at almost 60 that I must be unlovable and something must be wrong with me even though I have managed somehow through the lifetime of learned dysfunction and then my own reactions in dysfunction to have some success and to do a few things right. I raised twins as a single Mom after divorcing yes a narcissist husband...by trying to do almost the opposite of what my mother did. Anyway none of them will even attempt to look in the mirror or even suggest that they might need to change or that my feelings ever have any validity. It's a dead end. I'm pushing forward but I do feel a lot of grief. Sometimes I wish I could have a do over for a lifetime of fake love from all my family. My silver lining are my now 20 year old twins. I am going to heal for myself and then and hope to be able to get well so I can help others. I hope that you are recovering and getting better each and every day!! I really understand where you are coming from!! Best wishes

This gentleman right here has created the most valuable content I have ever encountered, even though I'm in the topic for 6 years now.

Can relate to 98% of this. Waking up to it is painful but necessary in order for the cycle to cease

It is my experience that complex trauma does not only occur because of abusive or neglectful parents. My experience as an adopted child was enough to set me up right away to become a codependent person. It was the tools I developed to feel safe and secure, even though I had lovely parents. I simply didn't trust this world. It was later I had additional trauma that heightened these behaviors, and landed me in one traumatic relationship after another...putting up with really bad behavior time and again thinking I could somehow sway the outcome to something more positive. It has taken me years of seeking to figure out this was my underlying issue

I seriously can't kick codependency. It's the worst addiction. It destroys your sense of self esteem. I am never enough....I give and give...I sometimes just hate myself because I just want to be free from this hell of abandonment and feelings of inferiority. I wish I could heal. I feel so broken.... again.

Thank God someone is talking about how codependency can be reinforce or worsen in the church. I know from experience that God is not angry; I can be angry with Him but He never is never angry with me. He is not even disappointed.

I watched my mother go through things during her life because of co dependence. My life is different because of it. I know that I deal with a pride issue that is now a whole lot better because, I would never beg anyone for anyone. I rather, do without until I can get it for myself. Yes, I know that pride destroys and this is my trauma because, I could have needs but, begging will never happen. I work myself to death to make sure that my dependence is only with God. I don’t expect anyone to understand it. It is what it is. Thank God it’s better now. God bless you for sharing this ❤️✌🏾

Had an emotional flashback yesterday and had to get away from everything. I'm staying at a hotel for a few days because I can't calm myself down. I finally got 8 hours of sleep for the first time in a month. It feels like the trauma is finally getting out of my body and it's really physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally painful, disorienting, and exhausting. If I stayed home my family would send me to the psych ward and that's not what I need right now. I need to not be distracted by anything or anyone. I just need some alone time because I always let people comfort me and convince me I have never done anything wrong and in this case it's not true. I'm codependent so I need to face this on my own, just like an addict would lock themselves in a room to prevent relapse.

This is gold, painful gold

21:34 😮 woah- exactly how it is . My father is a narcissist- it’s taken a lot of therapy and self help to see how codependent- I used to be and I can see I still have some work left to do 🫶🏼💛🫶🏼☀️ TYSM for explaining Tim - very helpful 📚📖👍🧘‍♀️

This is my new best video I’ve seen in 2023

I have studied codependency and listened numerous codependency lectures. This is by far the best lecture I have heard. Nailing it in every aspect. Thank you for sharing your knowledge! I look forward to listening to the rest of the series.

I feel as if you’ve described every inch of detail of my life from Birth till now. I will continue to watch your videos as I find your version of codependency very close to what I’ve gone through.

I didn't realize how I want to make my girl happy to a fault ,not realizing my happiness didn't matter. I know she has insecurities of her self, and it is because of past relationships, and I didn't like her feeling that way because she is the most beautiful woman inside and out.i wanted to take that feeling away from her,but i was suffocating her

5:57 “The reason my parents fight all the time is because of me.” That is the conclusion I came to as a kid. Thank you for sharing. This is eye opening.

"It murders your soul"...I'm sitting here 2-3 years after a bad codependent relationship unable to feel love anymore.

Thank you from the bottom of my Heart! Mr Tim Fletcher!! ❤️ you have help me find a way to heal my children from a toxic codependent Marriage! and you have given me the Strength to seek a Partner I can love and trust in a healthy relationship! 👸🏾💕🙌🏾

I found this video right when I needed to hear it! My father has been trying desperately to hook me back into his codependency lately...I gave him some support and now he wants to basically unravel all of the work I've done in therapy over the years by insisting on more time with me. I found it incredibly difficult to be able to set a boundary with him because he's very fragile, needy, reactive, etc. Everything about him has been triggering my nervous system. Even the way he wrote his text: "Would it be too much to ask that we have a conversation? Sooner than later?" It has taken every ounce of my strength to keep myself from lashing out and screaming at him. I know how wounded he is but I can't fix it, and I can't have him expect me to step in and agree to get emotionally dumped on. I want to rationally explain to him how I see the situation but that would never fly. He's never taken responsibility and I would be delusional to imagine a future where he apologizes to me and to everyone else around him. I basically just have to watch him crash and burn. It's hard to watch, especially because of my old tendency to rush in and take care of others (without ever realizing that I had needs or what they were).

This man is explains everything. Hes a genious

This dude just told my whole life with his words killing me softly lol

He speaks truth and so easy to follow, he descibed my whole life and marriage as a co-dependent wife EXACTLY.

This video brought me to tears, literally like hearing my life story narrated by someone else. I’m ready to start making a change, admit that I am a codependent and take charge of my life. I deserve happiness. The dance of wounded souls… so true.

I have watch many videos on codependency and i must say that tim explains these dynamics like no other video ive ever seen. I do agree that one must understand complex trauma to understand codepentcy. Thanks so much tim and finding freedom.

I think this really was well done...as a PTDS survivor I think one the hardest thing I consistently have to do is to RE-shape my view of God. Spiritual abuse causes you to literally "hear " the abuser whenever you think of God. Thank you for this video

Holy shit, a Christian who shit talks other Christians! I’m here for it! 🤘

In my 34 year of recovery by grace...I'm facing my codependency with my ex wife helping her out with our beautiful amazing son..I know God has his hand in this trying to step up as a man not being self one day at a time but taking care of myself ...thank you all...prayers needed😊

Thank you. I really resonate with that idea of rereading the Bible through the eyes of pain and seeing our loving God through the eyes of boundaries and Gods design.

I really love this!! The Christian part is especially exceptional!! ❤

Oh man.. this is so good, and so painful.. God help me!

I cried the entire video. Thank you for this word 🙌🏾

Thank-you so much for this insight. Most of us may not have experienced big T trauma but cumulative small t traumas. Most of us were also raised by codependent partners who stuck together just to maintain a certain image that depended on the relationship, invariably affecting the children.

The sayings “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” and “Happy wife, happy life” read with daddy and husband in my family. Both the growing up family and married family.

Part 1/10!? This man really stood and talked about Codependency and Complex Trauma for TEN HOURS.

OMG! I FEEL INCREDIBLY VALIDATED AND SEEN...AND FINALLY😢 UNDERSTOOD...

This is truly a God send, thank you for posting this and your insight and wisdom ❤

I just went through 8 years of this... just had another guy try to pull me into it. I'm learning to set boundaries now. Life is hard lol

I have so enjoyed your teaching! As a survivor of Narcissist Family abuse, from my family of Organ as well as being married to a Covert Narcissist for 45 yrs, and his Narcissist Cult Family. Therapy has been a tremendous help. I am an Empath, raised mostly by a Christian Grandmother who loved the Lord and loved me, and nurtured me. But living with a Narcissist mother, an alcoholic father still called emotional damage to me and my four siblings. My narc husband died in 2022, I have since moved away from his family to preserve my sanity. I am a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ. I glorify Him everyday for walking through the Battle with me. To All who have been or coming out of a relationship with toxic people....trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding , but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. Freedom in Christ!! Praise God!!

For someone suffering from codependency, it’s the only way they know how to survive in life. Labeling them now as being “wrong” does not help. How do you develop your own sense of self if you’ve been taught that love and acceptance is conditional, as long as you do what you’re told only then you get “love” ? What if being codependent is your lifeline and you don’t know any different?

This is exactly what i needed in my life at this vety moment.....thank you. I will slowly begin to heal .

Word for Word, 30 years of my life explained. It’s incredible. I appreciate the clarity, the directness about what this is. Now I can see it clearly 😢

“ if you leave me, can I come too?” Is crazyyyy

I cannot….even begin to thank you enough Tim. Having endured this, and very very concerned that I developed narcissistic tendencies as a result, I have so so so much work to do. Terrified that I’m doing this, subconsciously, to my son (probably shame) and I need to just work so so hard. “My inside is bad…looking outside yourself to make yourself feel better without dealing with it internally.” Woof. I cannot cannot pass on this.

No one is responsible for anyone's happiness but themselves, they are the only person who can make the choice to let themselves be happy or not, no one else can do that. I was raised in a church, bullied by other children in that church, browbeaten by adults and told by the senior pastor that my mother (who was in the hospital for cancer) was not important enough in the church for him to pray for. I have joined and left almost every denomination of christian religion except mormons, 7th day adventists and penticostal church and always got the same response. I am not one of "them" so i am not worth their time. I believe in a higher power....that belief has never let me down

I'm so grateful I reached a certain level of consciousness that made me ready to listen to these videos. I'm so grateful to you Mr Tim for all of these series that show perfectly my family dysfunctions, and help me gain more self-awarness. Thank you ! Thank you ! Thank you !

Wow, this really does go deep. Narcissistic/NPD parents are so damaging, but so can normal parents be damaging-because we all have narcissistic traits. Adults get together and bring their childhoods with them.. sometimes, two narcissists attract each other and they create a lot of damage together. Then there’s the empathic person who is a slave to the narcissist, this is my father In-law - he is married to a lower mid range narcissist and she is terrible, but he enables her nasty behavior, so In effect, he is also very damaging. Stay healthy & keep learning/healing! Thank you so much for this really great message!

Very good material. I write and educate on this very topic.

Tim is a genius , when he speaks it’s like he knows everything about me! All my relationships even with my kids ( now grown all except one) I’ve not had a healthy relationship with them or anyone.. And I feel the only person who is going to help me is Tim. I have a son who is an addict in recovery. He is in a sober living house and going to NA meetings he says daily.

I am 70 and jyst in within last month have I been so healed from all this. Having retail in small town, needing to please the customers. I get it now, what they think is non of my business. No mire neasuring up after 30yrs. Filled with unspeakable joy and peace.

Hi Tim, I thank you very much for this content. My ex boyfriend left me a week ago without explanation and has complex trauma. He literally blended in with me (without even realizing he was doing it). I couldn't help him and that destroys me. I'm not a narcissist, in fact, I've always worked on myself and the relationship (a lot). We both go to therapy. Despite what happened, I wish him the best and that he can really overcome that great fear of talking about things in a relationship

16:07 Before i found out about Codependency I would go from Job to Job seeking to feel good about myself. One job would make me feel good about myself for about 3-6 months, then it wore off and I would quit and go to another job to make me feel good. Its exhausting.

Problem is narcissists never give you validation. You spend all your time trying to anticipate all their needs.

You are absolutely amazing to me, I can easily listen to you, you tell the facts which can be hurtful, shocking yet you have a gentle soul that eases the truth of the seriousness of this topic! Thank you for all of your information! I am healing childhood trauma that led to adulthood trauma and codependency, I am a year out of a very abusive relationship with a narcissist that nearly stole my soul! I will never be the same, but I am stronger and more educated! So I am grateful for my experiences! People like you make a huge difference in the world for warriors like me! You are an earth Angel and I am blessed to have been drawn to your channel! I have learned so much from you and I am becoming the healthy person I am meant to be! I will someday help others just like you do! It is so beautiful!

I just realized my brother will never change.

The section from 18:51 I can relate to. I am codependent; I am so afraid of conflict. I am afraid of my husband’s anger; he has never been physically abusive. I can relate to most of the CPTSD symptoms. I don’t understand why I am like this. My childhood was uneventful. My mother is loving and kind. She never raised her voice. My father was kinda withdrawn. I don’t remember any traumatic events. But I experienced childhood depression. It was bad in my teen years. I felt like if I committed suicide that it wouldn’t really matter To anyone.