My best advice is if they wanted to be with you they would be, if they wanted to talk to you they would, if they valued you and wanted a 2nd chance they would get over their ego and tell you...if you haven't heard from them then they don't want to hear from you...simple it's only complicated and confusing because you are living in the illusion and not the reality....they are telling you everything you need to know by their actions....silence IS AN answer, never forget that xo
@piano m.... it's pretty simple in my eyes....if they are the one in the wrong, then they have to be the one to see their own mistake and try to fix it ....I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong or have made a mistake and I expect the same from a partner....if their ego is too big to admit they were in the wrong and say sorry, then I'm better off without them anyways, so it's no big deal to me if I never hear from them again 🤷....I know what I give in a relationship and I know what I deserve back and I refuse to settle for less....xo
Almost three months of no contact, and I'm happy I've stuck with it. It gets easier. Life gets better. You just won't care as much anymore. For anyone reading this, my best advice to you is to 1) dont EVER search up the person on social media. 2) start building an amazing life for yourself 3) Be okay with not knowing all of the answers/not having closure 3)
He was and still is my first love. It hurts so much that he can put all the blame to me and just throw me away like that. It hurts. It's so hard to move on, I'm trying each day. But I know in my heart that I still love him. I wish God is hearing my prayers and I wish this nightmare would stop. I wish he'd come back soon.
My ex broke up with me last month and its really hard I'm emotionally depressed I asked myself a lot of question why it's so easy for him to end up with me. I asked him why and he didn't reply any one of my messages. I thought I'm the only one who experienced this matter. I thought I'm the only person who get rejected or just dumped like nothing is business... Now I know I'm not alone and I think I need to let him go though its extremely difficult to do.
I never really believed in love spells but I was losing my fiancee cos we argued a lot, i needed help and somewhere to turn badly. I later witnessed a breathtaking spell work on my girlfriend that brought her back through (drphilipspelltemple@gmail. com) we were apart 11 weeks though lol It worked like magic & I really hope this helps someone out there.
@@mrs.camillewarrenempress3115 in anyone's life u either serve as a blessing or a lesson....my husband was a lesson...love wasnt what he gave....and faithful he never was and sad but he will never be...to anyone
Judeb Duterte true. I’ve tried begging and pleading many times it didn’t work. It’s not worth it going back to the past. I’m still hurting sometimes I really wanna reach out but I’ve decided to remove him off my fb no matter how hard I will try to move on.
Wanted to update this post. 4 months in I was out drinking one night and caved. I texted her and to my surprise she texted back and we talked on the phone the next day. Things progressed and we got back together a few weeks later. The first few months back together were awesome. She was as sweet as ever, we were hanging out all the time doing fun things and catching up. After 5 months or so some of the stuff from our past started to come back up and we started fighting again. The next 2 months were terrible, we were fighting multiple times a week and I was in a constant state of anxiety. Finally, I had to call it. It wasn’t healthy for either of us. We broke up for the second time a little over a month ago. It was awful, especially with the pandemic happening at the same time but it’s been not nearly as bad as the first time. I really haven’t missed her as much as I thought. Today was hard. But the way I think about it: it can only go up from here. I’ve lost her, and I can’t lose her more. Either I’ll find someone better or eventually we’ll try to figure things out a few years down the road when we’re more mature.
THEY CAN REACH OUT TO YOU WHEN EVER THEY WANT, THEY HAVENT...THEY KNOW THEY CAN BRING YOU BACK...THEY WONT!...Be strong and know that its dead...its gone...keep rebuilding yourself and move forward
Yeah unfortunately they have a tremendous amount of power (that we unfortunately give them) to suck us back into their illusion... And if they don't do that they will just drive a spear right into your heart...
I know puffyshell and it's a pain that is hard to fathom. Ultimately you have to forgive yourself so you can start to heal. But it takes time to get to that point - it took me a couple of years. I honestly felt that I would *never* get away from that feeling and it would be with me forever. But today I can tell you it's just not there anymore. I figured there would be a residual feeling - and to be honest there is "something" there but it is so far distant that I can't even really connect to it anymore. -Duane
NA AN memories it’s the damn memories that keeps you enslaved Just do not contact her and move on I’ve been through the same thing as you so your not alone
3 year relationship, almost 6 months since break up, changed me a lot for the better, but have been fighting the urge to contact her.... sucks, she was my best friend, just sucks. I think I’m just craving the intimacy of the relationship, not her. Hang in there guys, it gets so much better.
I hope you stayed no contact. I have and these videos and comments have led me to be able to gain strength to talk about my own abuse. I will never let him take any of the air that I breathe again.
@Dreamprovider Dreamprovider not in my case. it was good in the beginning, but it became another thing he had to control and in the second go around when he hoovered me and I fell for it, he was more abusive and the sex was terrible. I wondered why bother and so I didnt.
Changed me for the better as well. The sex was incredible and addictive. It changed after I realized he had others. I spoiled him rotten 😍 but will only do that for someone who I know wants only me.
Heartbreak will come at some point in all of our lives. Let the last memory of you be the best. That means leave in dignity and with your self respect. If someone walks out if your life let them go. A lot of times we may not understand pain but a lot of times it is for our own growth and development. We have no control of anyone but ourselves. Sometimes you just have to put yourself first and realize that someone out there is better for you. In time your wounds will eventually heal and look back at the situation and know that God has allowed this pain to build you. Keep the faith and know that you aren't alone❤❤❤❤❤
You can't get closure from a narc. The only way to get closure is to educate yourself on narcissism until you get all the answers you're looking for. When you finally unravel the puzzle, you will not need closure from the narc.
Absolutely Been There! That was a hard lesson for me to learn - I hope that people just starting out on this can get that self-closure much quicker than I did! -Duane
When I went through this with my overt narc ex, there were almost no resources. Now there are a lot available, including your channel. The problem is when you don't know what your dealing with and you keep expecting the ex to be a normal person and you deal with them as if they are normal. The narc then has the upper hand and runs circles around you and leaves you dazed, confused and frustrated. That's when people get angry at the narcs. Once you know what you're dealing with, you can manage them better with good strategies. That's why this groundswell of information is so important, Duane. You are doing a great job getting the word out, along with the whole NPD awareness community. When I finally understood the narc well enough and what was behind all the behavior, it let me accept him (and my parents) and let go of the anger. I found closure through educating myself on narcissism. I don't need to talk to my narc and get an apology or explanation because I have closure. Since I was raised by narc parents, it is more important for me to be educated on narcissism because I am vulnerable to them. I call it narc-blindness because they look normal to me because my parents are narcs.
Again Been There you have really excellent points. I feel into the same trap where I keep thinking that she would act and respond like a normal person and all I did was enable the situation and make things worse. Our best defense is educating ourself so we understand what *their* normal is and how to deal with it - then we nearly eliminate the power they have over us - even if we have children we can mitigate their impacts! -Duane
Stay busy, set goals. Relish in your freedom and grow. Self care! Don’t contact them. There doesn’t need to be any physical or verbal contact to get closure. The universe will allow closure in time. Focus on you! I severed the connection after 8 attempts to get it right. I realized he wasn’t a kind person emotionally and my emotional health was at risk. My gut told me to get out of the relationship. No contact is perfect 👌
Those feelings do decrease and reaching back out again and not receiving a response or receiving a negative response reopens the wound all over again. For me it's not worth it. The need for closure is a myth that we tell ourselves. Someone deciding to stop talking to or break up with me is all the closure I need.
Wanting closure is perfectly normal. However, the only closure with a narc is to fully accept that they are simply a narc and all the issues, lies, infidelities, etc. that ultimately resulted in the failed relationship are the result of the narcs disorder. Accepting this is closure. Not easy because the narc slowly brainwashed you into thinking you are the defective one.
No contact is the only way. Disarm her by letting her have her silence. If you go no contact I want to let you know the Trauma hits when you don't expect it. Going off is giving her supply. remaining silent messes them up. I luv that part.
I hear you Bob - it’s amazing how the simple acts of taking our power back can make us feel better. YOu’re right though about the trauma hitting you when you least expect it that’s what makes no-contact so darn difficult because our minds really drive us crazy - but you have to maintain it - to help you detoxify from the experience. But we also have to be ready in the event they change their tactics - because it is all just an attempt to get us back under their spell. -Duane
My ex narcissist knew that I had access to my aunts account that I sometimes helped her sale items on the sale pages on FB and when I went no contact, he had the audacity to start stalking her page and following her. He even sent a thumbs up and waved at her. She of course had no idea who he was and I had to go onto her account and block him. Pathetic.
@@Yontinez mmm… true. Especially if you had a girl that was shy and held her feelings in. If you know this, try saying hi with no intention of getting back together, see how they react accordingly
Yeah that is really true MultiRonnn and sometimes people end up doing that multiple times before they start to "get it". I understand that sometimes people just *have* to do it because they just can't believe/accept what they are dealing with - BUT - I sure would prefer if people could figure it out MUCH faster! -Duane
Yep.. one month in no contact.. he didn’t care and he was selfish.. focusing on myself much happier,, I don’t plan on reaching out to him,, it gets better each day for me. 🙂
WHOA. Everyone needs to read this whose ever been treated like garbage, and instantly deflate their deep painful yearning for their ex or "resolving things", and attachments entirely!! Powerful!
Most women believe that only women go through a heartbreak but men going through too. Thank you for sharing your story I'm going through the same thing.
Here is a little known secret: breakup is most often harder on men than on women. I think there's some science behind it, too. The chemical that makes us fall in love with someone grows stronger with men over time. Add to that the lack of emotional or communal support men have compared to women. Basically, to men the wife or the girlfriend they truly love has more and more emotional weight put on her as time goes by. Men kind of give pieces of themselves. And if it fails, they lose it. Double horrible if the breakup involves kids and assets. Triple horrible if they were cheated on. Love is a gamble.
Well said man. I believe they are at least twice as hard on men, if not around 50 times harder. I can't even remember the last time I knew a girl that was depressed over a break up.
I don't think most women think that men don't go through heartache. Most of us have male relatives and friends who've been hurt and suffer from a broken heart. We are all ppl after all, and the majority of us bleed when hurt.
They don't deserve to know how you are. Move. On. Don't contact them. I can tell someone they don't mean anything to me by never acknowledging their existence ever again in life. You can do the same.
He lead me on for a month and in that month he would still say I love you and pretend everything was good. I feel so bad for myself for letting me feel for someone who doesn’t feel the same for me. I gave him everything he wanted cause I loved him, I did things I said I would never do. He couldn’t even end things in person he did it over a text. you can only do so much for someone to appreciate the things that you did for them. sometimes it's exhausting when you've done your part in reaching them, it's them that's not reaching you half way and we can't do anything about it but to move on and to live life. cause no one has time to sit around waiting on someone who doesn’t want to change to change. the truth is if someone wants to change they will. if someone truly wants to be with you they’ll find a way. I’m done chasing people, it goes for friendships too.
Lord l am going through this now and l am dying inside. I am in severe grieving process and listening to this helps a lot. I am not going to get in contact anymore. I just want to go on with my life. But l know, it is a long journey for me. I need all the prayers that l can get.
Please keep your head.... Keep your eyes on Jesus..... He will not forsake.... Get busy doing things that you like.... Reading running etc.... You will get passed it.... I'll keep you in my prayers.. stay strong keep busy.... God bless you 😇❣️
Great advice. The tough part is when the narc texts or emails you, and tries to draw you back into their trap. They seem to have some narc radar that goes off when you are not thinking about them and having a good day, and that is when they start reaching out to you. Anyone else notice this?
That is a really great point John and yes I've had that before mainly when I originally tried *no contact* with her. She reached out after that and a couple of times after that to try to reestablish a connection. The only other time was when she'd drop a bomb when I got the kids or shortly after. Smart move on her part though - try to get me really angry and dysregulated so that I would have a negative reaction around the kids. Sadly I felt for that trap a few times...
She hurt me bad i reached out to find out she never changed i moved on got my busisness my career i let her go no calls no calls no seeing her im happy im giving my love to someone else who deserves it
Hi HeavyMetalPedal (cool name by the way) - don't beat yourself up - sometimes we have to "make that mistake" for us to truly *believe* what we are dealing with. Unfortunately statistically if you let them back in it really does get worse than the first time. I think most people "go back" in varying degrees until you realize what it is your'e dealing with. I didn't get back with mine, but I did let her back into my "space" and typically as soon as they feel they breeched your boundaries the behavior comes back with a vengeance. I really HOPE you are back out of it and are working to keep your boundaries (and defenses) up! -Duane
I randomly stumbled upon this video and watched it, of course. Then I read a lot of the comments and, oh man, some of them bring back horrible flashbacks, yikes! I am soooooo glad to be single going on 11 years now. I date sometimes, but nothing serious. I will NEVER put myself in the position ever again to have my heart broken. It is one of the of the worst feelings I've ever felt in my life and if I'm able to make the choice to avoid it - I'm taking (taken) it!
I was called abusive and narcissistic but enrolled into therapy and seriously tried to change. I’m going to become a senior in highschool so being labeled “abuser and toxic” in my developing stages really stuck with me. However, I always knew I was capable of changing for the better. My ex told me I’ll never change and she’ll never speak to me again. For the first 2 months of the breakup I was constantly figuring out how I could get her back. What I could say, what I could do. Then I realized, I’m just being manipulative. I kept wondering if I should ever reach out, but then I realized I hurt her so much that she’ll never come back to me. If you do no contact, make sure its forever. It can’t be your idea to get back with them. It has to be theirs. If they ask for space, respect it, and focus on your life. Narcissist can change if you put in the work. Unfortunately there aren’t a lot of videos out there on how to, but what you need to do is drop your fucking ego, do the things you always wanted to do, and control yourself and YOUR actions.
Your young you have time to learn to make a great life for yourself Don’t make the same mistakes as I’ve made in my 62 years of life 1. Move on you will meet a better person for your life 2. Listen to your parents They have your best interests at heart 3. Save money and go for the career you want 4. Do not fall in love with a woman with kids 5. Go to the gym It helps with your self esteem 6. Have empathy for other people because no matter how bad your life can be there’s always someone worse off than you
Hi MNK and welcome to the channel! I’m sorry you’re in the midst of this but I’m glad you’re starting to see that you are not alone AND that you won’t be trapped with these feelings forever. One thing I would really suggest is to make sure you work through those emotions and “how you got here” in the first place. In all honesty I thought I did but I really did (but then again I didn’t know about this topic back then). So I put those feelings in a box, started to “feel better” but as soon as something went wrong the box broke open and those emotions and feelings came crashing back. Hopefully since you’re learning about this now you will be spared that little adventure. Bottom line MNK hang in there buddy because this does not last forever and you will get your life back! -Duane
Hey, thank you for your answer!! Yeah, i think in my case it's so hard, because I have to go through many things in my head. First of all, I really loved this girls. Second, she abused me with her behaviour. And the third, most challenging thought is that I WAS THE ONE TO END IT ALL. So i have 3 things to think about and fight. But, I already feel better about it and try to think more often of the moment I said "goodbye" and the reasons why I did it. Still, your video was extremely helpful! Keep on going!
I have said to myself that I'm not reaching out to my ex ever again. She is being stubbarn and I know she doing it to hurt me. After our relationship ended I went no contact for 1 month and I was told by a friend of mine that her friend told him to tell me that she is making up for lost time and has already had 5 men. How sick. She was withholding sex from me for months before and now I feel like I never want it ever again. I get upset on my own like I will never move forward with this and it's like I have ptsd and afraid of women full stop. I hope she gets her karma and I pray to God and tell him I'm sorry and I don't know what I'm doing. These people destroy good decent people trust me.
You are very welcome Dawn - I hope this video was helpful. I have one coming out tomorrow that might be helpful for you as well. I can totally relate to be *tired of it being a part of my life* and I remember feeling that way and being unable to break those thoughts. Hang in here, you're on track and making progress (just by saying what you did shows that you are making progress).
3 years. 10 months of NC now. I made all the mistakes. Thanks for the vid. Still processing all of what happened. She's borderline. It feels like a slow-motion car accident that I'm still trying to process and make sense of. I made mistakes, but they pale in comparison to what, previously unbeknownst to me, she has in her psyche. It's NOT all my fault. Actually, I know what her problem is because she told me - a major childhood abandonment issue that resulted in a severe attachment trauma. In the last 10 months, I've obsessively studied attachment theory. It's helped, tremendously. Found your channel today. Thanks for your content.
This was awesome Duane. I’m going thru old journals from 30 yrs of narc abuse, so I found this and put it on as I worked. These pages remind me why I’m no contact. In several pages,years, ‘09-‘17 I don’t have the names to define the narc. I just know she was never ever EVER wrong nor did she ever apologize. Kids either. Thank you for working by my side today.
Glad to be of help Art! Mine was the same way - 20 years of marriage and I don't recall a single time there was an apology on her side. I do know I would often apologize just to try and get some peace back in our lives. I think the only apology I ever got was from my son because now he can see everything and all the damage that has occurred...
i’ve watched so many breakup videos over the past week and a half and this one is the only one that seemed to help. my ex of 5 years broke up with me and i’ve just been so lost. i’m not sure if he is a narcissist, but he was definitely toxic and he treated me like shit most of the time. i was always afraid to leave him, so i guess i’m relieved that he finally did it. i just want to fast forward months from now so i can finally feel okay.
Al Sanchez i feel okay! it’s hard to look back at comments i made three months ago because i was so beyond devastated. sounds dramatic but i can’t believe i survived that horrible time in my life. i finally see the light at the end of the tunnel :)
sunny ray That's awesome .Hope I can get there one day i was also with my ex for 5 years but we have 2 kids so I just cant disappear out of her life so I'm stuck
Al Sanchez you will. time heals everything. the best way to move on is to NOT contact her unless it’s about your children. it’s tricky when kids are involved. i wish you nothing but the best and good luck, friend. it’ll be a rollercoaster of ups and downs but you’ll come out even stronger. i promise you!
Thanks again and you are so right. The goal is to be a couple of years down the road thinking,,,,,, "oh yeah, i remember watching all those RU-vid videos about Narcs..... Wow, I won....."
I got to a point where my ex didn't anger me or hurt me anymore. Last time I spoke to her was almost a year ago she couldn't wait to tell me about her new job and her incredible new boyfriend, I just told her I was happy for her knowing she'd end up screwing both the relationship and the job up and last I heard she has done lol
Sometimes it's not good to do. If you are over that person it's time to move on. Now that doesn't mean you don't have love for them it just mean it's time to let go of everything. All communications should be cut completely off verbally, subliminally, and any other kind of communication. Whatever happened to cause the separation that was enough to keep you separate up until now is probably a good reason to never ever look back. Wish them the best and you both move on to other possibilities of meeting someone that can truly be that best friend, lover, the one that you'd give your life for because they show you that you are really what they need in their life. If you have found that person then just be happy with them and focus on them. That's what I'm doing. I am waiting and focusing on myself. Where I plan to go in the future will probably where and when my greatest possibility will show up. The wonderful thing about the future is the sky can be the limit. I Love It!!!
Great advice, and I found myself nodding in agreement all the way through. I even clapped at the end. I made the attempt to reach out to resolve outstanding issues and achieve a peaceful reconciliation with my former partner, so we could both move on. I believed deep down she would call upon her better nature (which I thought I knew), and be open, decent and reasonable given it was a few days before Christmas, and the 'season of goodwill'. I could not believe her response - it was both surreal, vindictive, and cruel. Lesson learnt! (I've since done my research and now realise I was in a relationship with a narcissist/sociopath). On the road to recovery now, all the jigsaw pieces have fallen into place, and the blogs and videos I've read and watched over recent months have given me the understanding and clarity I needed. Hearing it from you Duane and others who have experienced the same trauma, has resonated totally with me - the thoughts that go through your head, the justification you attempt to find, the rollercoaster of emotions you feel - has given me the reassurance, advice, and direction I needed. It has helped me shine a light on everything that's happened, and helped empower my understanding and resolve going forward. Thank You!
Hi Mark and let me welcome you to the channel! Thank you for sharing your story and I’m really glad that my channel has played a part in your recovery and *clarity* on this type of abuse. I can relate and remember how I went through the *call upon her better nature* phase where I truly believed *the person I knew* would come back and at least allow us to co-parent and interact in a positive way. When that doesn’t happen it is really difficult to understand and process. I think knowing that this behavior is *typical* is really helpful to realize it is just something they are not capable of and then as the vail is lifted we start to see past experiences which now make sense - at least that was the way it worked for me. Thank you again for your kind words and thoughtful comment! -Duane
Hi Duane, Good to hear from you, and thanks for your response. Absolutely! Knowing now that this behaviour is 'typical' and others have experienced it, helps enormously. The disbelief you go through when they don't respond the way you expect. I almost expected a camera crew to appear, and tell me that it was a huge 'wind up' prank for TV, it's that surreal and hard to fathom. Thanks again! Have a great week!
LOL Mark that's is a great analogy of the prank TV show - I can so relate to that - the entire experience is definitely surreal! Thank you and I hope you have a great week as well! -Duane
I needed to hear this I know the truth have accepted truth. My heart trying to get that one bit of hope. Thanks for pulling me back with this video. Do not give up all your efforts they know they have hurt you do not let them know by reaching out to your abuser.
I think it's a chemical thing in our brains, the reason why we feel the need to contact our ex again. We got addicted to them like a drug and need to get that hit again. When our rationality keeps us from reaching out to them (& thereby getting that hit) our brain is like oh wow, I better think up a clever way to get that hit again. Let's make up some excuse & use that. This is what happened to me. I reached out to my ex "wanting closure." (But, in reality, I just needed that hit again.) He kindly gave it to me, and guess what? It did not help at all. I got my hit for a second, then I was back at ground zero.
When I was young I went through cold turkey. It’s a similar feeling ridding oneself from the toxic other. Surround yourself with positivity - join local groups. Start running, walking. Go see a live band, even if you’re just by yourself.
This helped me so much. Sometimes I feel bad that I cut him off but at the same time I understand why I did, to get better. It hurts sometimes but it's a battle I'm fighting. It will be okay soon. I know that for sure. Thank you. That was the re assurance I needed.
Hi Koeras and welcome to the channel! Just take it one day at a time and before you know it you'll be at the 6 month mark. If you don't have children with your ex it will make it A LOT easier to achieve that goal. IF you find yourself wanting to reach out, look at their social media accounts, or even talk to friends about them just give yourself a day (or a few hours) to wait. I had to do that and it was a real struggle. When I would be pulled I would say, "I can look tonight" or tomorrow just that I didn't have to do it right now. -Duane
Hello, thank you for taking the time to reply. Neither married or children (lucky on that demension at least). It is indeed what I am trying to do. Well the break up was a mutual decision. Went smooth. Yet it will take time until my brain gets used to it. For my sake I still decided to block her from social media and any other source I may have had felt like contacting her. The real struggle for me is to attend to my responsabilities. It feels like I m going through heavy withdrawel of a drug (on a biochemical level it also kinda is). Well anyways, thanks again for the small attention.
Oh man... I really was in great need for this! AS if the talk in the video was reading my very own mind... Thank you for this DSD.... You are a true Gentleman and Scholar...
I just watched this again. THANK you, Duane. This was so helpful. Everything you said is what I'm experiencing. Two and a half years and married to a malignant, overt, grand narcissist. Divorce is coming... Thanks again, Duane. I'll continue to watch.
Hi Jessicca consider yourself "lucky" (although it's hard to think of it that way) if you're at the beginning stages of this and can learn then you will position yourself much better once it starts. The problem is things tend to get worse when they realize you are no longer a source of supply so by understanding and knowing what they can do you can limit the impact of those behaviors and actions he is going to take. I'm really glad you find the videos helpful! -Duane
Duane, the advise is fantastic, it is amazing, how difficult these circumstances are, you can actually go insane if you try to understand, the incomprehensible. Thanks for your efforts at putting it on a format that helps so many. That is a true gift.
Thanks a lot dsd! This video is so relatable. I was with him for almost two decades. It's been almost a year since we've last talked and it still bothers me. I think I'm approaching the stage of acceptance in the grieving process now though. It's starting to feel like the calm after the storm for the most part.
As much as I want to hear her voice and see if she is ok. I remember how much she cared about me. That helps with the moving on process. Still I wish her the best and want her to keep striving. She was good at a lot of things, i have no doubt she will find what she is looking for. God bless.
when people walk away from you let them go your destiny is never tied to any one who leaves you and it doesn't mean they are bad people it just means that their part in your story is over close the book and move on
Glad to be of help! These situations are so bizarre and confusing. I think one of the best days I had is when I finally found some answers on what I was dealing with. Doesn’t take all the pain away but it sure does help!
You cannot blame anyone else for being toxic and ruining your life....you can blame yourself for not getting out of the way.....even though your instincts cried out for you to do so.....I speak from experience 😊
Kate you are SO spot on with that. It can be tough for people because - in the moment - it FEELS like everyone IS ruining your life. I would disagree, I think you can’t blame yourself for getting out of the way. It’s so hard to *listen* to that inner voice saying “eject eject eject” (or RUN) because we so want to believe the illusion. I mean, this can’t be true, they really MUST love us and it’s just hard to accept that reality of, “nope, they don’t”. (I’m thinking your comment was a typo though) -Duane
+DSD no....it wasn't a typo 😀 I meant that.....speaking from my own experience and not acknowledging that still inner voice telling me that a person was not good for me....yet I stayed and got my self esteem garbaged.....if I could go back and revisit those times I would yell down my younger self's ear till I took notice (hey....maybe I did!...There's a thought.....perhaps that is actually what I did hear???)
DSD so true we want to believe the illusions ..even if we have to ignore our gutfeelings...We can not blame ourselves at that MOMENT because the 'love' what we feel seems real. I think that we can only blame ourselves if we know with who we are dealing with. HG Tudor said in one of his video's.. If you know ..Go! So If we know and still stay in the relationship, red flag..because we think that we can safe this person..
I just found this video. I thought it was a sign because it popped up on my recommended list on RU-vid and I haven’t looked up break up stuff in a year, however... it was perfect because I had been really thinking about reaching out to my ex for pretty much those reasons you mentioned. I realized after watching this how true this is and how important it is to keep up the work I’ve made. We broke up May 2017, stopped Contact in Jan 2018. 7 months and counting. Thank you for this video.
Hi deviant.mermaid (cool name by the way) - you know it really does seem like certain information is presented to us when we need it. Sometimes we see it other times we don’t. I’m glad this helped you because oftentimes we can reminisce about the “good times” (which is an illusion) and we are just opening pandora’s box if we often the door to let them back in. -Duane
DSD Thank you for your response and compliment on my user name. 😊 I noticed how reminiscing can really alter your way of thinking. It lead me back to old video chats we used to send back and forth and there was one that always made me laugh because it really showed the relationship I thought we had and of course that leads into a lot of questioning and etc. which is never good. My biggest struggle when it came to my ex was seeing the pattern repeat itself (his parents show strong signs of narcissism) and he shows a lot of the same traits. Instead of seeing and accepting it, I blamed his behavior on his parents. They may have taught him the behaviors, but he’s still responsible for his own behavior. In other words, I can understand without condoning the behavior. If that makes any sense... As I said, 7 months and counting. 😊
He's just been so mean to me. My feelings are so hurt. I've been through so much in two years with him. Yesterday was a strong day, today isn't but I'm finding my way. God is still good and in control.
Hi Pinguflap, yes it is super critical that you don’t. It always bothers me when I read about people doing just that and then the aftermath of continued (or worse) emotional abuse. Welcome to the channel Pinguflap! -Duane
I'm glad I saw this. Thanks. I had been thinking I wanted to write something else mostly for me. I know it'd never help. She'd never answer my questions, it she'd lie. I imagine sealing something up in the mail that gives my prediction & I pull it out at just the right time & say I knew this would happen. You're the one that's never going to change. This relationship crap is on you. I have done a lot of writing that has helped. She has never allowed me to have ANY closure. But she sure seems to have it.
Yep this is what I needed I was ready to text him again :/ thanks for these Duane I need to keep being reminded because I know he'll respond by insults
I'm *really* glad you didn't Jayne - stay strong - it does get easier it just take a while. But like I said that's okay and it's normal. Just don't succumb to those thoughts - instead write it down and then burn it - something therapeutic! -Duane
The answer is: They’re not normal. Don’t reach out because it’ll only go, one-of-two ways….you will get all that anxiety back because they start drama again, immediately. Or…you will give them that validation like is mentioned, that you still want them. Don’t give them that supply. Starving narcissists of that validation is the best revenge, best self validation and it’s your own closure. Accepting they’re not normal people needs to be the closure for these entanglements.
It was like you were reading my mind with this video Duane! So glad I watched it. Please keep them coming - they have been more helpful in the last few weeks than you know ☺
It's so tempting to want to message a narcissist and tell them all the ways in which they've wronged and hurt you, trying to seek answers and some form of closure. "Why" and "how" could someone possibly do the things they've done to someone else. And worse yet, apologizing to them when you've absolutely nothing wrong. THEY'RE the one that hurt YOU. But then why am I the one that feels so bad? Why do I feel like I somehow did something wrong? Why do I feel so guilty? The truth is they won't care. They DON'T care and they NEVER cared. Know that. You have to keep reminding yourself of this until it sticks.
Violet I so hear you on that. The only thing I didn't do was the apologize but that was because I apologized for 21 years so I was DONE doing that. But everything - OMG I was there - I was starved for answers and so type of understanding or just validation that I meant *something* (anything) over the course of the marriage. Ultimately I realized - like you just said - they just don't care and never cared. God that was such a painful reality to accept and I fought accepting that truth... I haven't watched this video in a while but I hope that I communicated that this was *extremely* difficult and hard to do. It is so "easy" to say "Don't reach out to your ex" but it was a torturous process to not reach out...
DSD Yes! The need for validation from my ex was such a big factor in me wanting to reach out too! I felt this incessant need to reach out to him and gain something- what I can't even really say. I've done this in the past with friends that treated me so poorly, but for some odd reason I felt the urge to reach out to them and gain some type of acceptance or validation from them years later. This of course only helped in making me look like a fool, reaching out to someone that never even cared about me in the first place. Dealing with these types of people in your life truly messes with your head and leaves you with permanent mental and emotional scarring
Once you give up hope they are coming back the sooner you can heal properly. Block them on social media, remember the bad times not just the good ones, don't think you'll never meet anyone as good as them( you will) and if it's meant to be they will come back to you. Let go. Just let go!
I made a mistake and agreed to meet with an ex when he suggested after 3 months of no contact. It was the worse decision ever, like my wound was hurt again. I felt absolutely broken after talking, like something is wrong with me and seeing he got over already (and I don't completely) made me feel weak and not worth. After that I deleted him on all social media and blocked. Don't want to do that anymore and go through that pain. Don't make illusion about a person.
Hi e11ionore, I used your comment as the topic of my latest video. Thank you for sharing. ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-tj6oybxpwMQ.html
I hear u, all problems seem so much similar but all the different.. my pain is, one day we were going to get married, the next, left, didn’t respect my texts, my pain, my situation, and found out she was answering everyone, doing favors for them going that extra mile, acting like she was something to people who used her, so that’s her people, to fulfill a role bellow having her own relationship… hurts to be de prioritized, but I know she will devastate if I completely go away, my question,if I save her from her own destruction, just to devastate myself, is it worth it? I’ll only have value to Keep her from going off rails.
Roberto I know you already know this - it sure FEELS like it is going to last forever though. Those feelings of despair and hopeLESSness nearly destroyed me. You do have to work on the PTSD/CPTSD issues to really regain your life but you absolutely can. I've got about 3 more years under the "system" but my life turned around about 6 years ago (when I still had three kids on the system) and it is continued to get better. The ex hasn't change - but my attitude, perspective, and where I place my attention has. Hang in there Roberto!
You explained exactly how I felt. I finally quit texting him. So he texted me last a few days ago asking me if I am ok. I just responded I am fine. That was all. I believe he is getting the picture that I am tired of his lies & cheating. I do not trust him anymore.
Good for you Sherry, it is such a difficult thing to do to get to the point you are at. Be prepared for him to try other hoovering type moves to try and get you to re-engage with him - it is a very common tactic. But congratulations on getting to this point - that is a good milestone in your healing. (Although sometimes it just might not feel like it)
I left my husband & went no contact on 3/26/18. He just said "All he wants is someone to love him." Called my name & then has been ghosting. Not a word since. In the beginning I wanted to break no contact, but I would either sleep or get busy & talked my way out of it. Doing better, but my agoraphobia & trust are not doing good at all. I know, he cheated & with whom & he makes me sick. I'm done!!
Hi Carol I’m sorry you’re going through this. The way they are able to flick-a-switch in an instance and go from “being in love” to “nothing” is truly heartbreaking. I’m glad to hear you’ve been able to maintain no contact because that really helps - although it is also *really* hard to do/maintain. (People who haven’t been through this just don’t understand the struggle). I hope you’re getting help for your agoraphobia - I don’t have the full blown thing but I get very stressed around crowds and people (sometimes) it would be very debilitating to have that all the time. Hang in their Carol you are going to have to give yourself time to heal from the betrayal but I believe you can learn to recognize “bad actors” and then learn who you can start to trust again. Just be careful for your “normal” group because *most of the time* we’ve surrounded ourselves with narcissistic personality types and as such we continue to get hurt by our support group - which can send you into a tail spin - the thing to remember is you have to purge this toxicity out of your life - so just because you might see other long-term friends and think EVERYONE is out against you - it is probably more likely that you’ve just surrounded yourself with toxic people…. I say this from experience. -Duane
Great answer to Morton Carol, from DSD. My ex abandoned me, our grown Sons, everybody after 32 yrs of our stable marriage. Why? So he could run off & be w/his 70 yr old Secretary, Dennis. Yeah. We never saw than coming. How did all of us live with a stranger beside us for DECADES??!! When he left he, as U say DSD, he was able to flick-a-switch in an instant & it was as if all of us (including friends of ours for decades) never existed to him. I can't believe it's something as "simple" as being a Narcissist...it's more like split personality. He called it "new beginnings". I still can't believe I'm still alive, for the heartache. Everything I own, all the photos, videos, memories, him planning our vow renewal in church as a surprise for me....only to serve me w/divorce papers 7 months later....all of it....was evidently a part of a big 32 yr con game for him. Too bad I'm so healthy, as I wish I'd never lived to see any of this happen. Would have been better for me to die & not know otherwise. : (
This video is extremely important, even years later! After awhile, its so easy to forget that these people are vampires. It’s good to go back and look at these videos. Thanks for all you do Duane.
Yes I too was going to reach out to her, but I'm glad I stumbled on this video, it hurts because the break up came out of no ware but now I understand I was dealing with a Narc. I'm trying so hard not to reach out but it is hard, going on three weeks now, but I will use the no contact method. BUT IT'S HARD.
Curtis it really is difficult to do - I often felt like I was dealing with being addicted to her which made it VERY difficult. Just stick with it and try to NOT do it.
@DSD I feel in this video you made that you are not over your ex. It is not true that people never get over it there is a time we are simply over it but clearly you sir are not over it. Everyone got different breakup and some people feel bad about a breakup that they know was wrong to do, The end of story dont happen at the breakup, No sometimes the breakup is the real start of a story. So it can be confusing for some why they struggle to end it, you struggle because its not over it just started, forgiveness is the biggest stage we need to learn to allow love to get back but love dont go away because we said its over, its over when there is no more feeling and as long there is feeling no imaginary end is going to finish it for us
Lot of truth to o what you said in your comment. Well except me not being over it. Earlier in the channel I was making videos when I was REALLY tired and sometimes making them late in the night. Definitely appreciate the concern and you are spot on with what you’re saying. This stuff is really hard and what you said was exactly my struggle in the first few years of the separation and divorce. It’s weird but at one point the feelings just dry up. I am so grateful that the ptsd is over - that took a long time to heal from (and a lot of work).
@@DSD Thanks for your reply sir, It was the same for me, the worst in my case is the breakup happen in the worst time for me, no job, no friends and family, in middle of the covid crisis and living in an apartment that was affecting my health and lungs. Breaking up was not the hardest part, I had my real first heartbreak at age 44 years old. The worst part was to experience the reality that the person I was with for those years was really not a good person. Not a person that care at all for me.He did not treat me right so I left but I did a lot for him and he wanted to destroy me. That breakup made me sick to my stomach regarding relationship, it open my eyes that many people dont date you because they are in love with you but because they want to use you. I am focusing on my life and to better myself and I dont worry about relationship at all,
I’ve been broken up with mine almost two years. There’s been no contact, I’ve dated here and there, things for me have been good. But it’s hard to open up to someone new. My ex has been dropping hints, asking people I know about my current status, saying I was sweet. I’m dying to reach out... but I feel it’ll be a mistake. It’s tough, we have many connections with family and friends.
Such a good video it hurts. Thank you. This feeling has to decrease. I am trying so hard. Just so sad that a whole human being can be in front of you and you will never be able to reach them.
Been almost 5 months since the break up ngl I miss her but I know going back to her and hanging onto her will only make it worse for me. I’m no saint I had my problems that had contributed to the break up the same goes for her. I don’t hate her she’s a good person at heart, but she’s not the right one for me as much as I kinda want her to be. I miss the memories we shared together. Perhaps I miss the relationship more than I miss her. I’ve dated around here and there but it’s empty and I just want to better and focus on myself! Great video!
Wise words from a therapist about dealing with narc/bpd girlfriend...(or any other jerk/asshole/etc)...”Stop trying to reason with an unreasonable person” ... that’s always in my head now when I consider contacting an ex for closure or answers...just don’t do it...it’s like pissing into the wind
OMG 😮 I feel like my lips are moving and your words are coming out. This is exactly how I feel right now! Divorced almost 2 years. He moved 2 miles from me yet never reaches out or offered any closure to what went wrong in the 16 plus year marriage. I see him driving all the time and now I heard he has a girlfriend. It’s like a game to him. He moved by me on purpose. Dangling the carrot 🥕 of closure, I’ll never get!! It’s abuse that is still happening. It’s sucks is right!! I feel like it’s a bad dream and I’m back at me old house 🏠. It’s very hard to move forward. I’m trying so hard. Thank you! I’ve subscribed to yours. Your help is appreciated. God Bless.
Ex’s are tumble weeds. 🤣 Always another one somewhere else. It hurts at first but strange how they are nothing but an “okay” memory after awhile. And you just don’t even want to go there again !
Thank You For Sharing After Being Horribly Discarded Belittled DeValued. The Most Hurtful Thing Was How The Narcissists Discarded Me Like Trash And He Has Been Giving Me The Silent Treatment I Just Wanted An Apology.That I Know I’m Never Gonna Get I Have Moments Of Sadness Loneliness. Anger Issues . It’s Just Really Hurtful How The Narcissists Has. Nothing To Do With Me As If I Never Existed
So important. Having little kids and one of them refusing to eat several times, has made me reach out by calling their dad a couple of times. "I'll only come over to you if they have extremely high fever" is the answer i get, and talking about things on the phone ... he keeps it very short. But I think it is supply to him that he can ignore mine and the kids' suffering. On his weeks with the kids i often write a text like "Oh, and just tell me if you guys need any help any evening" . So I try and work things out by lots of calm and stabile routines. Reaching out only makes things worse. I need to stop forgetting that.
Oh Cecilia that is such a bad idea call on your ex in that situation. If you are dealing with an manipulative and toxic person then calling them to help only gives them more power. I know my ex *expected* that I would do that - that I wouldn’t be able to handle it and need her to *save the day*. So you risk either brining him back into your life or giving him fuel for a smear campaign that you are creating drama and using guilt to try to get him to be involve in your situation. I also wouldn’t recommend doing the “if you need any help” emails. From what you’re saying my guess is that he discarded you (and you didn’t leave him) and he’s not interested in you being involved in anything. If you’re willing, which you obviously are, to help then just answer that call when he asks. But even then be really careful because it could be a trap to lull you back in. The other problem I think most of us go through is that *we want them to pull us back in* because we just don’t want to believe the reality that is presented to us. -Duane
I actually was the one who escaped. The abuse turned bad against the kids too, not just against me. As long as i am polite, bureaucratic and use only few words and do not ask for help, we are ok. He acts polite as long as i am polite. I'd never dare taking him back, but sometimes he has been the only one i could ask for some assistance about the kids. This is my meaning of 'reaching out': only talking about our kids. Extremely hard work planning for conversations like that.
Btw your clip "Why aren't my kids maturing?" was a real wakeup call! I now understand that i need to take full responsibility of the development of my kids, as if the other parent wouldn't exist. Not expect my ex to do anything and see every effort from him as a big bonus. He does some really useful things but the kids tend to not mature, and they are very dependent on him emotionally. So I understand that I need to work hard every day to encourage the children's developmenting skills. It does help when i take charge.
Oh Cecilia I absolutely understand about having limited options and having to reach out to the ex. After a handful of times I just did everything in my power to not have to do that. It really is unfortunate because *we should be able to work together and coparent for our children* but that just isn’t the case. I personally won’t have direct one on one conversations with her anymore because of all of this - I limit it to email unless we have a conversation at a school event and even then I try to limit those conversations. That is an excellent point about anything positive he does do is a bonus. Most of our time is spent trying to mitigate the damage they are doing. It really is exhausting. I really should have done more earlier but at the time I was worried about pushing too hard and breaking down all the progress I’ve made in other areas. Plus when I was going through that I didn’t know what I was really dealing with and it was emotionally draining. So if you can work this when they are a bit younger I think you can have an excellent opportunity to help your kids mature and mitigate the dependency they are experiencing. I wish I would have done that - right now I have an 18 year old who can’t really handling spending an overnight by himself. I wish I would have been in a position to do this three years ago but it was just too risky at the time. She was *really* pushing him hard to want to live with her full time. I say this a lot, and it’s the same for me, I made the best decision I could at the time with the information and options available to me. Would I do something different with the knowledge today, sure, but there is nothing I can do about it. -Duane
Thanks again, you make so much sense here. The narcissistic parent always covertly quietly works on making her/his kids dependent and to delay their development. Like my mom did with me (i was the only child). I have to remember that this is their pattern.
I’ve been with a narcissist for almost 28 years, and I’m getting ready to send him packing. We don’t have any children together, thank goodness. And my heart has been hardened for a number of years. I can’t wait to go no contact. Not even a drop of affection left for him. I stopped the physical abuse years ago with a call to the police department, but the emotional abuse continues. It’s been a learning experience, I will NEVER allow myself to be put in that position again by anyone. The first nasty or abusive word out of anyone, and all they will see is my back, walking away. Once you realize your own worth, and learn to love yourself, you won’t put up with it ever again. We empaths are nice people by nature, but no one deserves to be a doormat. I have ZERO desire to be around that ever again.
Simply put their hearts become hearts of stone. Only God can change them if they let God into their hearts. Its nothing really on a human level that can connect them back to us. My husband was already kinda distant ...if God has it in his will...it shall be!
I agree with you SC but *something has to happen* for them to be open to it. I agree there is *always a chance* but most of these people are so distant and lost that they can't come back from the abyss. If you take a biblical look at it - evil has their grip on their souls and they feel "comfortable" there. Everyone always has the "choice" to reject the darkness and come back from the abyss. I only know maybe two people who've succeeded in that journey... I hope you've seen better results than I have. -Duane
Thank you so much for this. I needed this. Had a relationship with a man for a year and he completely ghosted me. Hardest thing I've had to deal with. Completely crushed me and made me feel like I didn't matter. Slowly but surely, I'm seeing the light.
It's so insidious how this goes Krystal. You put yourself so deeply into a relationship and when they've consumed everything they can and throw you away it can just shatter that little bit of self you have. It is so difficult to recover and heal from this and to start seeing "the light". I'm glad to hear that you are starting to see your path through this and are getting to the other side of this.
Krystal Soto hang in there and keep going. The same has happened to me. But remember, these people aren’t the apple of the eye we need in our lives. If you can’t show up at an important time to close an emotional chapter in a caring way - why on earth would we want them anywhere near us? Keep going!
This video to me is right on point.I know that my ex knows i have her figured out. No contact and gray rock i think are the BEST tools that you can utilize. Duane is so right about your feelings diminishing over time. Im not quite there yet but its slowly coming around. Thanka so much Duane for all that you have done for me.
I have no idea what my ex has. We broke up a year and a half ago. We didn't have a fight or anything, she just disappeared. Stopped calling, stopped coming over. I was confused as hell and I only got a few jumbled text messages and one strange phone call that didn't give me any answers. It would be nice to have closure but I realize contacting them won't do anything. I hope things get better. Meeting new people is ultra hard after 30.
Hi Matthew it’s really difficult when a discard comes because, like you said, there are not any answers. So you’re let trying to make sense of things that just don’t make sense. Even when you start to learn about covert narcissism and personality disorders in general oftentimes we still struggle with the reality of our experiences. Hopefully however it will help - if you’re still struggling please checkout my playlist “Mindset for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery” as it can be helpful for you. As for meeting new people after 30 try not to get into the catastrophic thinking because that just makes things worse. I went through the same thing (except it was after 40) but after you start to heal yourself things just have a way of working out. It takes time but you’ll get there Matthew! -Duane
Thanks for the reply. Do you have any opinion on why people with personality disorders change on a dime? The woman I was dating was a single mother so I assume she was under stress, but why do these people fail to communicate normally and change their minds on a whim? What triggers them?
Typically Matthew it is when they feel like they are either loosing control OR the level of supply you are providing them isn’t enough anymore. Since they do not *really* have an emotional connection to you - because they aren’t capable of such true emotions - they can do that. Bottom line it’s a defense mechanism typically born from a very traumatic childhood. So as a defense they box up their emotions so that they can’t be hurt. But, do not have the false thinking (like I did) that because it’s a cause and effect thing that YOU will be able to save her. I remember when I asked my own therapist if I could help her - and the response was shock that I would even consider it - basically the answer is no. I hate to say *anyone is lost* but I effectively think these people are and there is nothing we are going to be able to go to bring them back. It came seem romanic to go to the bowls of hell to save the one we love but this isn’t a movie and we can’t bring them back. All that will happen is that we will get stuck in hell ourselves. (There was a movie Robin Williams did called “What Dreams May Come” which is about this - he’s able to save her in the movie - but it’s a movie)
This all seems so strange to me. How can a person have no feelings but cry when they see a movie, or laugh at funny jokes, or cry when their daughter gets married? How can they have compassion for animals if they have no feelings? Does this mean they have normal emotions but are unable to form romantic relationships?
Its even harder at 60. I was stupid and thought I was given a second chance for love in my life. Then my ex narcissist tortured me with th emotional games. I did try understanding, forgiveness for her multiple betrayals, etc. Each time it was worse and worse. Finally let go. No more worrying about her was a relief. Moving on becomes easy but looking for someone new is very depressing. Women today old and young are very selfish. Now as a MGTOW I have wealth and still lonely but healthy.
Thank you so much, I’m getting to the stage you’re encouraging us to work towards and hearing this just reinforces how crucial going no contact ( for good!) really is for self protection and healing.
12 years later, I still have no closure from my ex. My feelings are still just as strong for her and her kids. I am still devastated by what she did to me, said to me and said about me behind my back.
when i was all but destroyed, homeless, desperate and sick, my ex, NOT THE NARC, took me into his home and cared for me. Took me to the doc when I was too sick to take myself and gave me shelter. I am forever grateful. People probably saw him as weak but he was my rock and my strength.
@@monas is that supposed to be funny? or are you seriously asking? he was my ex BEFORE the narc totally TRIED to destroy me. the man i was with before the narc, He stepped up to help me when i was sick and down. that is true friendship. and he is still my best friend.
You really understand and this is the best advice. It's all the right points with a very personable and heartfelt advice. You know exactly how I've felt. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Stacy - it's so tough when people who don't understand try to give advice and perspective. These situations are so bizarre that unless advice in communicated with a sense of awareness and understanding it just doesn't make sense. That is exactly what I was going through early in the process - it was just so difficult to wrap my head around... I hope you're starting to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel Stacy!
