Dr Rachel Hannam on Love and Limerence: How to Cure Obsessive Love | North Brisbane Psychologists 

I'm jealous of people that are not prone to limerance. I suffer so much...

Not all people with limerence are stalkers or killers. Some just suffer in silence and become depressed from the rejection and unwanted thoughts.

Social media has definitely made this condition a living nightmare that can never end for many sufferers.

I've struggled with limerence for as long as I can remember. It is devastating and confusing. In fantasy, it can feel amazing, like drugs but then I get a crash. Feeling low, depressed, ashamed, detached from my life. It wasn't until recently that I understood what limerence was. Now that I'm more aware, I'm much more careful. Fantasizing can become very addictive, for me that's what makes it worse. If I catch myself noticing someone's "glitter", I remind myself that I do not know this person, and to control my fantasizing. I have hope I can build a true connection with someone but it needs to be taken slowly. I truly believe if you've been emotionally neglected or abused you have a higher risk of doing this.

I've suffered from it and I'm very cautious about not repeating it. It has devastated me and now I am a Coach who sensitizes people on Limerence and how to heal from it ❤😊

Guys, you will get over it. I had it for 4 years. (Pathetic honestly). It went away.

Love is like snuggling up with a comfy blanket on a cold day. Limerence is like the adrenaline rush you get from riding a motorcycle 150 mph. But when the person you love leaves you, it hurts so much worse than when your LO leaves, if you ever even got that person in the first place. The one you love is part of your life, you trust them and depend on them. It's like a part of your life is now empty without them. That's the worst emotional pain I've ever felt. I've only loved one woman, but I'm convinced that I've had Limerence for 8 different women. Half of them when I was still in high school, I'm 38 now. Your LO has an aura around them. Their skin glows. Seeing her smile at me makes my heart race, and my mind goes foggy. The fantasy of it is the best part. The crash is the worst. I'm fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to have a dated a few of my LO's. The reality isn't as good as the fantasy. When you finally snap out of it, and the fog clears then I look back and wonder why I was so obsessed. And when I date a new woman that I just *like* in a normal way, then it just feels boring and pointless. I would imagine it would be like a meth addict quitting meth and switching to espresso. I've hooked up with and had short term flings with several women, but I haven't been in very many relationships. Without the intense fuzzy wuzzies, then dating a normal woman just feels so blah🥱. And that's not fair to those women. So I just stay single. Without those Rollercoaster of emotions, then I can't have just a normal relationship. I'm too apathetic to put the work into a real and healthy relationship relationship. Limerence is an addictive drug. One that I wish I had never felt.

Sensitive. Intelligent. And Creative.

Those prone to limerance are good people. You can channel all that creative loving energy towards creating a satisfying life where the conditions for any type of limerance or maladaptive fantasy are eliminated. That is the life that Limerant’s don’t properly realIze (before healing) that other people have, and is possible for them (us 😉) too.

I think I’ve had this all my life. I’m 42 yrs old now. And I’ve only been in two relationships which were both very short-lived. I’ve spent more time chasing love than being loved. All because i was going about it the wrong way and because I didn’t understand what real love was. I realized that I needed to learn how to love if I’m ever going to have a real chance of finding it. My research has brought me here. I never heard of the term “limerance” until a week ago. I’m glad I’m learning of it, finally.

Another word for limerence is symbiosis. When we join up with a partner who has qualities we think we do not have, we are walking into a symbiosis. In joining up with such a person, we amplify our inadequacy because the longer we hook up, the more we believe that we can never be a „complete person on our own“ The day we realize, that we are independent individual people is usually accompanied by acrimony and a tremendous sense of loss. Yes, growing up is hard to do.

I'm limerent for my ex and it's been a nightmare. He's married now and his wife has actually started working at my job. I see her every day and think it should've been me. But at the same time I know they're meant for each other when me and my ex were not. We were toxic and hateful, and there was lots of resentment. And even with all that I remember thinking how addicted to him I was and feeling that oxytocin run through me each time I hugged him. Even before the break up I knew I wouldn't do well if we separated. It's been almost three years now and I can't wait for the day these limerent feelings stop. It truly does feel like a curse.

I fell into this during the pandemic. Just had a baby, lots of fights with my partner... didn't feel understood until I met a lovely woman online and really pursued her. On the surface she was everything I wanted and helped me out with my son.. took care of me emotionally and financially... it felt amazing until things fizzled out and I couldn't manage things properly

I feel I’ve been limerant for almost all my “relationships”, even some friendships, and I fear the healing process because I’ve never known anything else.

What a great and enlightening interview!

This is an amazing talk!!! I found it "on my path of understanding love" in a more profound way. Incredibly helpful and on point information - and great questions, too! Thank you for that!

I'm a guy who has suffered from limerance through some of the people who i develop feeling with, and it's usually with ones I met and got great chemistry, and if there's a good ammount of chemistry, it get harder. I never had luck in love, either the ones I'm interested are not interested in me, they just see me as a friend, or in a completely rare scenario (just once) they aren't avaliable because they want to focus on something else in their life. And the ones that are interested in me I'm not interested in them. Maybe that's why I developed limerance. I've suffered from it because i tried to interpret signals to understand if they like me, when they were just being friendly and that kind fo stuff, and i do get obsesive with them. I fell out from limerance from one person, and recently got limerant towards another, though after confesing my feeling towards her and learning the answer, I'm more calmed and it's gotten more controled, some thoughts are still there, but i'm working on it. Right now I'm talking to my psychologist to deal with this issue. And to try to focus that obsession into something else

Thank you for this great discussion. I recently realized I am a limerent. All this time, but I can finally see it now

Great interview. Thankyou.

And this is why I scheduled an appointment with a therapist finally. Because it’s just exhausting it’s too much. I’m ashamed to say I’ve even drove past their house. As if it would make me feel better. I need help ugh. And what you said about communication being important to a person who’s suffering from limerence is sooooo true. And the part about getting rather than receiving wow

I have had to accept my addiction to idealism 😇 this is so supportive to balance this addictive tendency

Chronic post traumatic stress disorder is a group which are quite prone to limerance.

Very useful information! Thanks for the video presentation!

I'm 60, and I'm still working on the acknowledgment of my temptation to swim in the ocean of Limerence.

Thank God for Her telling us

Omg this is me I had a 4 year crush on a guy. I initiated contact 4 times and bought his art work....in all hopes to get him to like me 😄 I would fantasise about me and him together When he started to initiate conversation via instagram....i kinda realise i was chasing him and was getting bread crumbed. I told him i was taking a break n hope to catch up again soon In the healing process now

There is a very serious warning here for parents or people who are wanting to have children. It is a lot easier and quicker for parents to learn about and administer the right emotional support to their offspring, than it is for the child years later (all grown up) to learn to become self aware and undo or unlearn all the core beliefs and unhealthy inner voices that have plagued them for years. Not that it would have helped my mother out much with her many narcissistic traits.

Great video❤️❤️❤️

THANK YOU!!!!!

I think it may be very beneficial for those dealing with this to study and learn what your attachment style is. They are often created in our childhood and can be very beneficial in helping you overcome many mental health issues.

Very informative

I've had relationships and then limerent relationships. For me the problem is being with someone in a long-term relationship triggers my subconscious mind that absorbed the abuse, trauma and negativity between my parents as a child. My parents (both abusive) are joint at the hip, can't do anything without the other sent me the message that intimate love is cruel and abusive and distant love (when you're infatuated with someone you're not in a relationship with) is preferred. I just get so much pleasure from fantasizing about a certain person than to actually do the work to be with them or to be with a real person in a real relationship. Like others here, I also sabotaged my past relationships by not being emotionally availabe to them. There's so much work to be done.

Without looking for or expecting it I fell into this experience with a woman who also feels the same way towards me but we both feel that it is romanticism that clouds our thinking and we are trying to find our way to getting over this and seeing if perhaps underneath it is anyting authentic. The question is how do you know when love is real authentic and not fantasy when you both have had traumatic childhoods?

I'm definitely experiencing this. The only difference is for some reason my "anger" isn't towards him, it's more towards myself. I'm mad at myself for feeling this way. Like I'm not to the point where I feel the need to stalk him or cross the line because I've been stalked before and I just couldn't do that to another person. I would never hurt anyone. But I do feel like I'm obsessive in my fantasy and thoughts. I enjoy thinking about him and I wish it was reciprocated. That's all. Hopefully I'll overcome this one day. 🙏

i was obessed with my ex but i got over it eventually. it hink I was struggling with my life so much i just held on to fond memories and felt like it was so unfair. i know now that life just is not fair and I need to spend my time loving myself first as much as i can

I think I just suffered from it for a brief period for a woman I’ve known for 30 years…. She’s been my friend since 1990-91. And she’s from another country… we almost got married in 96. I didn’t want to, then ,, she asked, but I thought it was her just being depressed over her situation. Which later improved greatly,, she went on to get her phd etc… and has had a great life since.. but we stayed in contact for 30 years and I think we both understood when we got too heavy in our conversation.. like daily several times a day by email and text.. we would tone it down, but never talk about that aspect… .. but just recently, I started feeling like wait a minute…. I should have married her.. and maybe I should have.. but I have become obsessed with her,, thinking all day all night… and it’s hell,,, because she doesn’t know..idk maybe she does..maybe I let the cat out of the bag…. But I don’t want to be like this.. I do have have real love for her… I would marry her, but she doesn’t want to… .. I’ve been waiting for her reply from my last text… two day ago. …. This limerence thing is real…. You need to identify it when it hits you…. Because it’s going to at some point

It’s so weird; I don’t know if I’m in limerant or it’s the other person thinking about me because I don’t even like him anymore but I just randomly think about him alll day long; I even wake up thinking about him; we are in no contact!!!!

I destroyed my marriage to a great man for a subpar alcoholic with to many addictions to count and made me one of them. I live with the consequences now. My husband has cut all contact with me as well as the one I fell so hard for. I am alone and that’s ok it’s not complicated now I was abandoned as a child and feel I have had this type of relationship before many time really with friendships too

Thank you. I need really help this might help

What about when both people in an affair are in a state of limerence? When both are obsessed with each other in an unrealistic way? I feel like this happened to me many times.

I have been friends with this gentleman for 32 years we were estranged for 25 and the first night we were relatively close Well plus forward 25 years after that eight year mark when things fall apart I am now realizing that this is exactly what he had with me but I also found out through his own telling that this is a regular occurrence an actual pattern for him So in the 25 years that we didn’t speak it was because he started to make it very obvious that he had feelings for me and I had a lot going on my life and I couldn’t entertain nor was I interested in entertaining any type of romance with him Essentially I told him he was like a brother and I pretty much suffered everything the two times I did try to contact him over that 25 year. He hung up on me So recently I went out to see him and found out that he was in a very similar situation with another woman and they hadn’t spoken in about three years but it blew up around the eight year mark also and he waited until he got home knowing That if he needed someone to rescue him because of mechanical issues that he couldn’t say or do anything until he reached a safe place at which point apparently he tore into her He told me how he felt about her and I felt that maybe not being able to express this thinking you know he was just painfully shy it would be a good idea to contact her and give her this information so that she can make a choice for herself because there’s nothing like regret and it is completely avoidable. In talking to her she was very guarded I continue to persist with her because I wanted to see if there was anything there or any possibility and she finally just came clean and said she was really tired of his jealousy. She had been on and off in a relationship with someone that was troubled but obviously worth her time and energy and he was someone she met on match.com. Why she was on match.com when she was having this relationship and not willing to give it up is beyond me but she decided to be friends. She gave him a lot of time and energy and her resources as well and I know he enjoyed that Even though it wasn’t necessary because he could’ve provided for himself somehow he gave her the impression that he had little and could use the help But he lives in that impoverished mindset and is piss poor with his money Needless to say he did a lot for her as well but it came with an agenda and he did the same thing with me when we were younger to the last time I had seen him I was 29 years of age and I was living with him for about a three month. Well I was going through a divorce and relocating. The time before that he stayed with me a couple years back for about a good year and I had gotten married to my children’s father and relocated to another state but he and I kept in touch and he would come see me periodically sometimes without any notice. So essentially the same thing was happening over and over again in his life That was pretty interesting that he continue this pattern the only thing that changed was the names of the women and what they look like So he sat down one day and told me in person that he didn’t care what I thought but he really feels that this person and him were supposed to be together and the only reason why the universe sent me was because she refused the opportunity Apparently he told the universe that the universe owed him and that he wanted what was due well incomes the intuitive 600 miles later 2 1/2 months in I am returning to where I came from because things were just that bad he had become a serial hoarder he hadn’t cleaned his house in over 12 years and that’s as long as he lived there last time the house was clean was when there was another female residing there and she ran for her life and left everything except the bear essentials. So in that 2 1/2 months. I noticed that he’s been emotionally neglecting his dog of almost 14 years and also not treating him medically as he needed to be because he was infested with fleas but it was so bad that there was blood soaked into the wooden floors and urine as well because this dog couldn’t even hold him self up he was not severely anemic so I was able to work while I was there because what I do I can do anywhere. So I went out and I earned enough money to be able to buy the dog flea treatment because he was not severely infested that when he shook there was blood all over the walls as well but there were so much more smoke and grease and just it was disgusting

Going to a therapist is hardly “curing” limerence. Shallow interview

This happened to me. A former friend had romantic feelings for me that I did not know (he would hit on me but I thought he was doing it to cover up the fact that he is attracted to men). He asked me to be roommates and it got so weird. He lied and told people we were engaged and touched me in a sexually inappropriate way. He had hidden cams in the condo and had hacked my phone and computer. After I told him I no longer wanted to be friends and moved out, he began to viciously stalk me with his boyfriend, paying the apartment staff at my complex to help them bully and harass me. He came into my apartment while I was sleep. Him and his boyfriend would come to my apartment while I was at work and damage my stuff. I told the police and they would not help. It got so bad I had a nervous breakdown. I ended up having to quit my job as I could not deal with that toxic environment and the stalking. I was/am all by myself. It is beyond horrifying. They also did a very disgusting sexually abusive thing to me but I don't care to talk about that...

I met him online and from then i can't stop thinking about him........ didn't talked to him more than a month still nothing has changed...so i don't think so no contact will be the right thing to get rid of my limerence for him but ig knowing him fully??

I don't see comments about this (edit: I see Dr. Rachel does discuss this), yet I wonder if there is a connection between chilldhood programs for happiness (trauma) and limerence? It seems logical that there would be ... however I wonder. Knowing as little as I do, I can't imagine that limerence just appears out of thin air.

I have it. 6 years. She's an artist.

Interesting and I identify. I can not stop thinking of a girl after 30 years and would welcome any suggestions please. Thank you.

No contact is the only solution??

Any good books on limerence?

Can it still work out?

The cold hard truth for the husband is: Your wife’s genuine desire belongs to another man, she won’t have sex with you because if she did she would be betraying the man she desires, her limerence partner. She already knows you the husband, you are familiar, you have rapport, you are comfortable, you are predictable, you are BORING. While her limerent partner in comparison is delightful, mysterious, new , novel, fun, hotter, smells & taste delicious, does different things in bed, while with him her emotions are triggered into feelings of excitement & possibilities. It could take years for your wife to come down from the dopamine high of limerence.

limerant on someone with a BPD is worse

Is there some clinical way to address the underlying loneliness? Going out and acting like a pathetic whinny baby that needs attention isn't my thing.

I'm so ashamed of these feelings.

Haha a therapist or coach , they are limerance objects because of they're empathy etc and they are the good parents youve never had. For me it isnt a good idea

Isn’t the love languages not accurate

Yeah right, I wouldn't take her advise. Didn't she push cruella off a cliff and claimed she jumped..

I always make friends with girls, fall in love with the probably more attractive ones (though to me I just feel more into them for whatever reason I don't think about it), and then become no longer friends and basically we never date. It sucks shit. What do you even do about it? I don't really think I'm doing anything wrong. I've been to therapy and thought about it quite a lot. Sometimes I'll sink my ship so to speak but it was usually already over by that point anyway. Can't stand this pattern. I've only dated girls I wasn't all that into. I can't imagine ever being able to spend my life with someone that I didn't genuinely fall in love with like the ones that were my friend first. It's been like this for half my life and I'm in my early to mid thirties. It's hard not to swallow a black pill here and think hey I'm just not that attractive so I can't really have the kind of girls i want.