Easiest explanation of a Boundary in Relationships 

Change partner... it's not worth it. You can't enforce boundaries with the narc ones... It's worth than that : they understand...they just don't care.... It's useless to stay with people like that, you're just getting drained from your energy.

​@@ChimChimChums easy and logical to say, very hard sometimes impossible to do in some cases. Depends on the level of control.

@@delsings depends on the level of self love and care one gives themselves. If this is how we need to talk to people to ask them to treat us with kindness, then you need to have more self respect and learn how to be a stronger person, and not let their guilt trips affect you anymore. Just because you care for someone, does not mean you need to be in their space. Free yourself free this burden, and you'll attract better people into your life

@@rhythmisadancer8394 oh nah I get the whole self love and respect stuff. What I'm saying are some peole are literally trapped in situations where they have little to no autonomy. It isn't always just a matter of self esteem.

@@delsings i never said self esteem. I said self love. Caring for oneself, putting your own mental health above all else. I never said it would be easy, but everyone has a choice in life. Going through your own struggle, reaching out to places that are there to help. It takes time, but its better to invest that time into oneself, getting better and stronger, than to let 20yrs go by and not even knowing who you are. Life is way too precious and we are all here to learn something, and each day should be that way. A lot of people are scared to start over on their own, or to leave a horrible relationship because then they'll be alone. But if you're unhappy by yourself, then you'll never be happy in this life. It won't happen over time, its a progression. You may never see certain people who were important to you again, so its a grief, death, but then a rebirth of a new life a new you. It is worth it. Self esteem comes with time. But it starts with a love and respect for yourself to know you are worth it. Letting go of any shame and guilt. Its a spiritual journey

I tried to tell my dad not to yell at my mom when she was trying to help him put the ceiling fan up. I was telling him to stop yelling because he was startling her and she couldn't focus of finding the screw he needed that he dropped. He immediately got defensive saying he was just "instructing." I said, but you're raising your voice, which alarms people. And told him he doesn't need to yell to instruct when she is standing right next to him. Then he said, "Y'all that damn sensitive, that's just sad." And I held my tongue, like I always do, because I know he's just gonna get defensive and not reflect on what I'm telling him. He won't realize or respect I want you to stop this, I don't like it. He's been that way all my life.

Me and my boyfriend have something similar... We have never established it as a boundary, but we never shout at each other. Whenever something is getting close to get out of control one of us stops it somehow (sometimes even saying that both of us are almost ""attacking"" a bit the other, so we should stop/change the way we're dealing with it and etc), and I feel so happy for having this... One year and a half together and we never got into a fight, cause we talk about every little problem that might become a big thing way before it is able to. Zero fights, zero yelling at each other and zero non solved big problems.

​@@carolinamansur113not fighting is not healthy. That's chronic avoidance. Not yelling is fine, but fighting is something healthy couples do. You just need to learn how to do so in a healthy and constructive way.

@@cathkails not necessarily. As I said, anything that might become a problem one day we discuss as soon as we noticed something happened and I/he felt bothered, and then we solve it. We don't fight because we have no reason to. Doesn't mean we don't have important talks or that we keep avoiding conflict. I do feel very happy for being this open with my boyfriend, but sometimes I almost wish we didn't do it this way, because we have SO many conversations (he's the type of person that needs to talk about something as soon as it happens, while I need time to think before talking, so it is always a different approach) a week. I do understand you saying no fights is not healthy, though. I hadn't really explained before, and it's the first time I talk about this in English, so I don't really now what are the best words to use (it's not my first language) to make myself clear. It's actually kinda funny, cause he's the one person I feel free to complain about anything that's happening, cause I know he'll listen to me (I use to say he's the one person I can allow myself to be "selfish" - people pleaser talking), and even with all the complaints, we never got into a fight. We also care a lot about each other, so we always try to say things in a way that won't hurt the other. Very often we are having some "problem" (don't know what word to use) and I start crying (I'm a very sensitive person), then he hugs me and we keep the conversation that way (even if he's telling me he felt hurt about something I did). The opposite only doesn't happen because he doesn't cry easily, but that's usually how things go (we both hugging). Anyways, I've got no idea if I made myself clear, but I think I wrote too much. Sorry. I always use too many words trying to explain things. Hope you'll understand.

​@@carolinamansur113don't worry, there's nothing wrong with your English. This person is just blindly repeating a phrase that doesn't apply to your situation.

Agreed, and what I also came to say.

Yes, I need the words! And the bitchiness way to say it!

Yeah. The specific examples he uses in every video are so helpful. "Abusive or disrespectful language" is context and person dependent. And we tend to only include in our own minds the worst possible option and anything less than that is tolerable. Even when it shouldn't be. Excellent point, thanks!

Seems to me like name calling should not be a boundary. Because they shouldn’t be name calling you to begin with. So if they do it then that’s probably a good sign that they’re not the right person.

Yes love this expression of a boundary 🙌

Yeah, we both need a better way to learn them lol

Omg one of my coworkers is an absolute PRO I have learned so much from her! Was on a call with her + another coworker who was keyed up who accused her of "gaslighting" someone, and my pro just calmly said "I don't accept that" and continued to speak calm logic to this person. It was admirable, I'm so emotional I likely would have spiraled at such an intense accusation but my queen had a firm grip on reality and boundaries in this convo.

@@ambermcdonald1302 we're allowed to do that!? 😂

Yes boundaries are great… until they don’t benefit women

@@MarkZuckerberg-cu6dk I agree with your insight wholeheartedly. I actually think that this was my win for 2023, learning more about how to set healthy boundaries and how necessary it is for my well-being and longevity. Is this THE Mark Zuckerberg? :)

Anyone encountering this now: "No, I'm not, because I'm not really in a conversation here. I'm being berated and insulted. I'm leaving that, because I don't deserve this treatment. If you're ready to have an actual conversation, where you listen and try to understand and talk without being hurtful, I'm open to that. As long as you view a conflict as a war in which you makes me the enemy to be defeated at all costs, no real conversation is possible."

Yup I’ve learned all this so true however at the time in the marriage he’d say oh there you go walking away ..go on get out It hurt so much but with his disrespect I never wanted to escalate esp in front of my child it’s so hard for families with kids

Ex husband, hopefully?

this has happened to me before, and it feels so awful. all in one, it can make you feel weak, callous, and like you've done something wrong. i'm proud you got through it!!

​@@e.458i find ppl that criticise boundaries don't rlly listen well when you explain them. depending on the person it may work, but not explaining at all is also an option!

Good for you!!

Sounds like narcissism to me. Glad you got out!

Mine left me to walk home from Lowe’s. And then I literally had to start over. Financially and emotionally. I now know that I’m capable🎉❤ and I was from the beginning❤🎉

This is why young people live together instead of getting married, because this crap happens all the time, they’ve seen it among their friends if not their parents and the parents friends, and nobody has time to deal with divorce court let alone the cost of it. I don’t recommend it. Mary is still the way to go, but I understand why young people have such a hard timecommitting to marriage.

Wow you just explained my childhood. And adulthood with my mother. Pretend it didn’t happen. I thought this was how you fixed things.

Good job!!! You give me hope that is never too late! I get told I’m an idiot-and I’ve heard that when they name call they’re projecting their insecurities on us… Stay strong; be safe. 🩷

And consider leaving if your new behavior makes his escalate!

Thank you so much for your comment!!! I’ve been feeling kinda low because I’ve only recently started doing this and I’m in my 40’s. I’ve been staying firm on this and have had people tell me I’ve changed and it’s menopause or something similar lol and I’m sick of it. The only truth is I’m finally loving myself now so I’m standing up for ME. I wish I would’ve heard more comments like these or seen these type of videos before but it’s never too late and it’s just helpful to know I’m not alone sometimes I think we forget that there’s other people on the same journey with us. ❤️🙏❤️🙏

Amen!

That’s so good! “It’s never too late.”

I think name calling maybe shouldn’t be a boundary. Because they should not resort to name calling anyways, if they do they’re probably not the right person.

@@king_supreme1102 Right?! It should just be the norm!

It's easy to get confused because it is a rule in the sense that you have to follow this standard or else I won't be here. It's a punishment, unless the other person doesn't want to you to be there. It's a fair rule that respects yourself.

I did this until this month. Like a week ago. I used to get mad bc they wouldn't listen

​@@Nibiru3600XYes, but it's something that happens when people get angry. They lose control of their thoughts and actions. That doesn't necessarily make someone a bad person. Being unapologetic and even indignant about being called out for it, does.

🎉

Oh my gosh! This is so awesome!! You’re an inspiration!

And in every home

Smile

It will be, I'm a highschool teacher

So wise ❤

I'm sorry for you ladies! 😢 Nobody should ever have go through that!

I hear what you're saying, but at the same time, if you're scare to tell your partner that you have boundaries, that is a HUGE red flag.

Yelling does not motivate me.

Yelling just gives me huge anxiety and i dont even want to be with someone that yells because it just hurts.. like if you really gonna yell, just at least yell out good words and not hurtful words..

It's crazy that they break the law (destruction of property) and still play the victim.

@@e.458 Yup. Absolutely insane. It doesn't matter, it could be literal attempted murder and it's still going to be "look what you made me do" instead of actually owning up to it.

I go to court for the extension of my protection order on Monday. I’ve been married for 20 years to a closet monster and he’s a felon for multiple convictions of assault. I had to wait till he abandoned us again in order to get the protection order. He uses the law to abuse me just like he physically and financially abuses me so calling the police does nothing. He will break my phone before he comes after me then he’ll call them and claim I did something to him. I’m the one bleeding or bruised but sometimes they go with what he says. He’s got people believing in a co-abuser and he’s defending himself against a 90 pound 4’10” petite woman!

⁠​⁠​⁠​⁠@@proverbs2522🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 I pray your protection order is extended and you are set free of the evil deeds and abuse by his hands. Healing and freedom are possible.

@@proverbs2522 any interaction with these types of people needs to be recorded. And this type of boundary setting doesn't work with narcissists, because they have no respect for anyone, even themselves. If they were capable of having an emotionally mature conversation, then you would only have to ever state something once to them, and they would do their best not to do it again. They may be hurt, but they'd look internally and realise they need to be better people. The narcissist doesn't have this capability, it will only enrage them. They are incredibly defensive. The only solution is to leave. And have cameras throughout your home, and car. I hope the best for you

My so called best friend threw a tantrum when I did not allow her to hold my hand while waking on the street! Mind you I never did that as a child with any of my friends, and being in our 30s felt even more awkward, especially with her husband walking alone next to us 😂😂! Plus we were in Athens in the height of summer…lasat thing I wanted to keep hands together with anybody! She became furious, almost to tears, stomped her feet and did everything possible to ruin the day…she is 100% histrionic and probably narc too! She stopped talking to me after a while…after I set some boundaries that are quite ok for normal people!!

I think the main difference is between "YOU are not allowed to do that" and "I will remove myself from the situation if this boundary is crossed." One controls the other person; the other controls self.

​@@katherineheasley6196, not necessarily. There are plenty of people who just don't want to discuss anything or fix anything and will completely shut down any conversations you're trying to have with them. They call it their boundaries, but it's indeed their way of controlling the other person. They just want everything to go their way with no conflict and no discussion about anything other than what they want to discuss. The advice that this guy is giving could just as easily be used in a negative way because the person will basically use anything as a boundary to avoid discussing anything they don't want to discuss.

@@youtubesucks898 I think the difference is actually discussing it. I had an ex friend who did exactly as you described after telling me everything was ok only for me to find out 2 weeks later that she had talked behind my back and ghosted me which was one of my boundaries that I had laid out for her in that conversation. My issue was never that she removed herself or needed time, it was that she was given the opportunity to discuss her issues/problems with me- or even text me afterwards to say she needed space, but she instead decided to disrespect and trample on my very clear boundaries in favour of getting something she felt entitled to without even trying to ask for it. If she had asked, things might have gone very differently- and I think she would have been well within her right for space and time to cool down. But she didn’t choose that route, and I was in a headspace where I no longer had patience or much empathy for people who continuously choose to disrespect others but felt entitled to kindness and never ending chances

@@youtubesucks898 unfortunately, that's also true. The only way to deal with those people is to not have a relationship with them anymore, and that gets tricky.

The statement: you are stupid! That's your cue you have defeated a narcissist and they have nothing they can counter with. Stepping away won't really work, because they will just shut down after that. They will give you the silent treatment, ie, emotionally walk away from the disagreement. MOST Abusive people are Narcissistic, but they can be much more worse than a mere narcissist. You are better off learning the various behaviors of narcissists, so you can avoid them. Unfortunately, you have to be with a narcissist long enough for them to consider your 'committment' permanent, before they will show you all of their horrible behavior. The more subtle behaviors: they rarely want to do what you suggest. This will dictate YOU NEEDING TO KEEP SCORE: how many times were you talked out of doing what you suggested? Can we get fried chicken for supper? If we are going out, I'd rather have a burger or steak. Can't you get fried chicken at the Steak House? Well, yes, but it's not as good. That settles it, we'll go to the Steak House. And I just deleted a lot of examples, because I remembered this blog. dumpadapt.blogspot DOT com/2009/05/youve-been-narced.html I had to break up the link or YT will delete the comment. This can give you real life samples of narcissistic behavior and how it affects YOU. I've been emotionally abused my entire life, by three families of narcissists. This blog presents their behaviors in real life scenarios, and not just the clinical terms. This blog was one tool to help me realize: I know NPD behaviors on instinct: when I get angry and frustrated from an interaction, that was me recognizing a Narcissist's Manipultion. This Blog provided guidance on how to interact with narcissists.

Some people don't let their children cry.

Same here. And we weren't allowed to express or defend ourselves. That was talking back and subject to punishment. No wonder we all had bad communication skills as adults.

@@lynnebucher6537its tough, im teenager myself but i think whenever a parent just do these kind of acts and things that we know what theyre doing isnt good, i reflect and make myself never forget about it so in the future i wont repeat the same mistakes my parents did to me

Exactly

pretty sure people can be selfish and dress it up as a “boundary”. “You did x so I will leave for an hour and come back willing to discuss this if you stop doing x” sounds a lot like a punishment. doesn’t gain you respect, just fear.

YES!

Thank you for this!! I’ve been struggling with this wondering where I went wrong handling things with an ex. He’d do the same. Walk away angry without saying a word and was “done talking about it” when he’d get back. But I also have a lot of issues around being left alone in such a situation. I know I needed to work on my imperfect response but never got the opportunity because he’d walk away before I could even respond 🤷🏻‍♀️

My mom exactly plus a ton of other people. It's important for us to notice that what they are trying to pass as a boundary is in fact a wall that will never be permeable and flexible the way that healthy boundaries are.

I'm sorry you had to go through that, I did too and it's permanently scarred and soured me on relationships.

Maybe you meed psychological counseling that would strengthen you and find out why you do what you do in your choices of men . Good luck. And yes, s trouble maker isn't worth it your time and energy and your children need protection from those encounters, do they can have peace in their lives too. Good luck in finding the support you need in counseling. Its worth it.

I definitely feel this. You don't get to cool off when they don't let you leave by leaving first or hiding outside so you can't leave because you have small kids that need looked after. That's definitely controlling and manipulation

This I know so well. I actually got triggered by only even reading it. Sad. Good luck to you!

What about to stay on your own and sort your life for yourself?

Yes, I agree that things get more complicated when somebody can’t leave and take space for whatever reason, that’s a situation where you should try to talk that through with your partner at a less-tense time to find a solution that works for both of you while also accounting for any additional barriers.

yes. that also applies to children, parents, pets.

This is often the hardest part for me. I feel you

You should talk to my ex. He was always talking about everyone overstepping his boundaries. Many of these boundaries he was unable to explain. He basically used it as a filler word to mean "someone did something I didn't like without them knowing. Why can't they read my mind and understand that I don't want this. Now they are responsible for me feeling bad." His mom was a therapist and he would just use s lot of psychology lingo that didn't mean anything in the context he put it in.

@@Cyhcg5uhgb He is actually not that far off. People doing things that make you uncomfortable is probably the best way to know that someone has violated a boundary. Not being able to express the boundary is not indicative of no boundary existing. Its obviously wrong that people need to read his mind, but having boundaries that seem obvious to you violated probably means your values differ to the point that it may be best to just not associate with that person anymore.

That's abuse & you don't have to put up with it friend. You deserve to be treated with kindness & respect, especially by those who claim to love & partner with you. You can get out!

@@szigtema Or you are manipulating the situation without all the information being given. Crying abuse to a boundary without knowing the boundary and simply siding with a vague form of attention seeking is simply asinine and ridiculous.

​@Kebutor Or you could ask the OP for clarification, instead of making assumptions.

What a kind and intelligent comment. ❤

Then that should tell you all you need to know about that person, and the futility of returning to someone who will only continue to violate your personhood. The theory of classical conditioning in psychology is that we come back repeatedly to that which makes us feel good, and learn to avoid that which doesn't. Those systems get messed up in situations like addiction and domestic violence. Where the "good" feeling is replaced by something bad but we continue to return for more. It wasn't until I went thru over a year of inpatient and outpatient drug treatment recovery programs-- notably, I took the 12 wk class on boundaries 4 times in a row-- that when I started to get into a relationship with someone who was still using but lying about it, I was able to walk away when my boundaries were repeatedly violated. It took me a minute though, because I was so used to giving in, moving the lines of what I would accept, hoping the promises were real this time (!) so I still stayed longer than I should have. But I was also able to see where in the past I would have doubled down, locking myself in tighter to prove ...idk even, to prove I wasn't wrong? To protect him? The biggest breakthrough came the day his drinking led to him losing his job and his place to live on the same day. The old me, instead of beaking up with him like I had planned, would've stayed and tried to fix it all, to my own detriment. Instead, I broke up w him anyway and didn't feel bad about it. If losing your job, home, and relationship isn't going to push you to get clean-- it so rarely does-- then you weren't ready to change. But I protected me, and 2 yrs later I've kept my serenity by not dating. It's blissfully calm. And what were my magic words? "I'm sorry you feel that way. We can talk when you're sober. Get out of the car. I'm sorry you feel that way."

That's one reason why there is really no effective way to deal with a narcissist. The only thing that works is to end the relationship and go no contact.

you leave to cool off. SAY OUT LOUD: I'll be back in 30 mins to continue this conversation. I need to gather myself. SET AT TIME. don't just run off unles you are in physical danger

My ex was like that. That’s abuse. 😢

My ex would do similar things. It wasn’t until my therapist told me it was abuse that I thought it was but she’s right. No one can physically prevent you from leaving. I had to threaten to call the police to get him to let me leave

​@@Shannon_Vlogssame here. Threatened to get police involved. He finally let my wrists go, but before that he had trapped me for 30 minutes in a small room while berating me and blocked the exit. Frightening.

I would reconsider about that water bottle filled with kerosene, it may not have been an innocent mistake. It may well have been intentional. I'm sorry for what you've been through, I hope you're doing better now.

This is how we learn from each other. How we grow. We still care about that person and we also know we aren't a "constant" target. But sometimes we are the closest thing/person to lash out at in a time or moment of stress. We take a break under either one or both of these observations: either I am not able to maintain objectivity (I do this to protect you) or YOU are not able to maintain objectivity (I do this to protect me). Both are completely recoverable positions. If the abuse is CONSTANT then the relationship needs to be reassessed.

This script he gives is excellent

This reminds me of Johhny Depp and Amber Heard.

Avoidance is not always a boundary limit but an unhealthy coping mechanism that stops communication.

​@@jadegreen1554 Only if you refuse to discuss the issue after the cooling off time. If you can't or don't then that is a different situation

Absolutely….or I don’t want to say shit that I regret later but how can a narcissist understand that? They want instant gratification. How can they give a person a day or two of silence so that he or she can gather their thoughts and articulate well ? Because if they do so they may start seeing the cracks. After all ,doing “I need communication “ is not really communication. That’s why silence of a day or two feels like silent treatment to them as they are the one who gives real silent treatment by taking breaks and shit..

Please tell me his name wasn't Francis Thomas. I found out shortly before we split that his ex Cynthia has a permanent RO on him. Wish I'd known that before I let him into my life. Dude is nuts.

Y’all’s bars are lower than my chances of buying a house one day. How did you grow up thinking being violently assaulted by someone you’re supposed to trust is just one step too bad for you to put up with? What abuse are you still okay with then?

and then come back to the conversation. often, people leave on pretense of a boundary but actually hope to avoid resolving the issue.

Often the conversation topic has no real reason to be discussed barring trying to get me angry so I dont purse the topic of conversation after that. I have childish 39 year old siblings

Yeah I dont get why people would ever be voluntarily in a situation where this convo is necessary

@@jaquicx9500 There's too many entitled people walking around, and not enough people with self respect. Doesn't even matter on the type of relationship it is.

@@rhythmisadancer8394 definitely agree. I think a big problem is that no one is stupid enough to get into these relationships, but most are stupid enough that they wont leave due to hope. Its a shame that there are so many toxic ppl that search for victims instead of just fixing themselves.

@@jaquicx9500 It is a shame that emotional intelligence isn't much higher amongst the people walking this Earth

Idk, ever heard of generational trauma??? It's easy to pass judgements when you have the privilege of viewing from the outside.

Can you get some examples of landmines?

@@debbiewilder4738 like damaging a relationship with someone you care about when they want to get back at you.

​@@debbiewilder4738 they will also create fake scenarios in their heads and then become malicious and do something to purposefully hurt you for the scenario they created in their own head. Anything to destabilize you and keep you confused.

Ah, yes the flying monkies