Thanks so much for watching! If you're an eldest daughter, let us know which on screen depiction you've found to be the most relatable & Up next, check out our recent video analyzing Industry's Harper Stern: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-g4SIzljD9tM.html
And now, when I'm an adult and put myself first my mom has the audacity to call me "selfish". Like I didn't give up my entire childhood to be a co-parent to my younger siblings
@@aliciaoakstream619 Sorry for her thought process. 😵💫About yours…do you love your siblings? Is there anything redeeming about you having the responsiblities? How do your sibs feel about you?
@@MarshalMarrs-eu9yh I don't know if it has it's own 'tag name', but it does exist: sometimes as 'man of the house' if the father is m.i.a, sometimes as parental substitute if one or both parents are problematic (ie addiction, abusive). Being male does not mean you are exempt from stepping in to fill the void. It does happen, but this vid particularly focuses on eldest daughter. I see you, young men who have been similarly burdened.
you also become the mother's emotional confidant & that can be painful bcs u want a mother to rely on, not an equal with her own problems who's not ready to deal with yours right now
Boy that's the truth! My mother was so needy and damaged and father was so distant and disinterested that I had to raise myself. Then when she got cancer I had to take over the running of the house and the care of my much younger brother. Both parents dead now and brother isn't interested in even a friendship with me so yeah serially abandoned. There are days when I think that, unless I'm serving other people, I don't exist and should just die.
Yes, I was my mother's emotional support daughter! She didn't trust me to raise my younger siblings, even when I volunteered to care for my sister as a baby, but I did have to set the example and babysit for free.
This happened after I lost my dad to a road bike accident and my mother made me her emotional support even though I needed emotional support as the oldest daughter. That’s why I saw out her mother (my nana) as support and even my dads sisters(my aunts) (my mom only had brothers, and one of them passed away due to cancer)
As the eldest daughter, I struggled with putting everyone before me, people pleasing, and a lack of boundaries. Often my family expects me to help my younger brothers anytime they struggle even though they are grown adults now. It took therapy for me to unlearn this. Now I’m finally putting myself first and setting needed boundaries even though my family thinks I’m “ selfish “ for doing that.
People will fight against change and especially change that doesn't benefit them. It's just human behaviour. So you keep on doing you, and eventually, some will adapt and realise that this is a necessary step for you and for THEM ! Those who will never get it ,well, that's just sad for them. Wishing you luck in this journey❤
My family puts the same expectations on me to care for my younger sisters. Ultimately it’s not fair to us. I had to constantly help my sister for over a decade, but now that she is nearly 30, I’m done caring for my sister way beyond the years I had to start caring for her. I was a child and had to take on responsibilities of an adult. That has been put on me my whole life. But now I get to say no more and I get to put myself first sometimes.
Same! I used to have to forgo being a kid in the summer. I watched my brother while our parents worked. If he did something, I was also punished. Physical punishment was used 99 percent of the time. I was told, “You’re the oldest. You should know better.” It’s taken me a long time to realize that I’m not responsible for others
Katara from Avatar: The Last Airbender is another example of the trope. After her mother died she became the mom not only to her brother but to her friends as well. I've noticed that when a parent usually a mother dies in fiction, that a daughter will take on a parentified role.
Sokka was the oldest. He also felt pressure to be a leader thanks to their dad, assigning him that role and leaving them. Honestly, i would say everyone had to grow up really fast in avatar given the circumstance they were in.
@@TheHonored01 He did say that he see katara as his mother but i never heard katara say the same thing about him beside the dad ended up alive so she lost the most it feels.
Sokka was the firstborn, not Katara. She just became the mother figure of Team Avatar. Sokka had the responsibility of being the oldest male of their tribe once his father and all the male warriors left to fight the war. So, it was Sokka's responsibility to protect the tribe and be the male figure to everyone in the tribe. Sokka even had the added pressure to protect Katara because she was the last waterbender of their tribe. It's one of the reasons (outside of his sexism) he didn't want Katara to use her powers. Let's not devalue Sokka in order to raise Katara.
@@octbaby88 STILL said he sees katara has his MOTHER. They were no other attack after for a long time he did not carry the most burden, Katara replaced her mother's role in the village for everybody. I still think it's messed up to say that your LITTLE sister repleced your MOTHER. And the dad ended up alive and a lot of other men.
@jayneb6053 It's not messed up given that they were living during the time of war. War messes everything else and forces children to grow up. Katara took on the mother role because her mother was killed by Firebenders. Sokka took on the role of a male figure/leader of their village (even though he was a child himself) because his father and all the men in the village left to fight in the war. It's one of the reasons Katara has misplaced anger towards her father. The only other parent she had, unfortunately, had to leave because of war. As I said before, we don't have to minimize Sokka to uplift Katara.
My family has been full of self sacrificing eldest daughters for generations. I’m the first one to reject that role, and it’s been so hard facing everyone’s judgement. I ended up moving far away so I wouldn’t have to bear it anymore
Same exactly. I even left the country. And now Im treated like I dont exist I guess bc if Im not fulfilling a role I NEVER AGREED TO I truly dont exist for them
am lucky coz after rejecting that role I am friends with other two fabulous eldest daughters. all three of us single while all our younger siblings married &have kids. in my own parents home, I put effort to do only minimal cooking &cleaning but with the eldest daughters club, I always cook &clean happily. I didnt realize why before I watched this vid lol
I feel like being the eldest daughter is often minimized by people. Your life feels like it's a manifestation of your parents expectations. Not to mention, we get the harsh parents. We get the parents that haven't realized yet that they should be treating their kids as humans. Our siblings get the nicer, softer, happier parents and for the longest time it leaves us wondering if our parents see any value to us beyond how we are useful to them. And that's kind of what manifests anytime we are the ones being taken care of. Because we always had to earn the care like we didn't deserve it from the get go. You are expected to silently suffer while everyone else treats you however they want. And ofcourse if we say anything about it, that's "disrespecting" our parents. Eldest daughter syndrome is so much more than being the person in charge. It's damaging because we are treated like commodities and the expectation from us is to give up things constantly for our family, no matter how much that thing means to us.
I'm a single child but I understand what you mean. Younger siblings don't understand that they and their older siblings don't have the same parents. Parents treat their children differently for many reasons and no matter how parents try to be "equal" to their children, there will always be parental favoritism in the air. What I had noticed is that gender plays very big role in parental favoritism (especially when parents are narcissists). For example, my friend is the middle child in his family but he was never expected to be the third parent to his brother, because he and his siblings are all boys and the mother takes care of them. My other friend isn't the oldest child, but because she's the only daughter in her family and her older brother lives separately, she was always expected to take care of her younger brother, and there were high expectations on her in her education. She was often emotionally abused and punished for any inconvenience. My mother was the younger daughter, but she was expected to sacrifice her interests and free time for favor of her older brother, my uncle, because he's the only boy in the family and she's just a girl. My mother is a narcissist who always treated me bad and I believe her childhood was one of reasons why she became like this. After I experienced divorce and neglect trauma, I started dreaming of younger sister and I even wished to have an elder daughter syndrome, because I wanted for my non-existent sister to have unconditional love for me, what I didn't experience from my own mother. But now I understand why my mother didn't want to have another kid. If I had a sister, I would be treated 10 times worse than I had already been.
@@peachesandcream22 This, exactly. My littlest sister essentially just got to have fun in life (no sleep curfew, not have to do homework, boys in her room, not expected to go to college or get a job and got to stay at home free for years, etc.) whole my middle sister and I had lots of rules (the opposite of what I listed for our littlest sister) and we were forced to either work/pay rent or go to college/pay rent or else leave the house (which was especially crap considering I was disabled and having troubles with money due to constant injuries). As for me, the eldest, I had to do chores, cook for the family, was taught to pump gas for when my parents didn't want to do it, had to do my sisters' homework, play with my siblings, get siblings to bed, etc.
This. My parents were struggling money wise when I was a kid (dad was just starting his own construction company)and they did their best to not let it show to my younger siblings, but not really to me. Or maybe I was too perceptive 🤷♀️. So I suffered in silence for YEARS. I did everything in my power to reduce money costs for my parents. I never did extracurricular activities that would cost money. I never went on school trips if they cost more than $5. I never asked for them to buy me a prom tshirt or a homecoming tshirt or any special event shirt kids could get while in school. But my siblings got all that stuff. It seemed to never cross my siblings' minds that those things cost money! That they couldn't just ask for that stuff! Didn't they see that we don't have enough money right now?! Eventually, my dad's company took off. We no longer struggled. In fact, it became the opposite. My parents were doing extremely well money wise. But by then, it was too late for me. I had already deeply ingrained in myself that I couldn't just ask for things. Once, mom took us kids on vacation, and we went to the mall of america, and my dad gave her 1 blank check for each of us kids to spend. Whatever we wanted, regardless of cost, we could get it. My sister and brother practically filled their closets with new clothes. Know what I used mine for? 1 pair of off brand tennis shoes that cost $20. And stuff like that led to extreme resentment towards my siblings (because their whole lives they could ask, and get, whatever they wanted) and towards my parents, (for never noticing that I sacrificed all that childhood stuff and no one ever acknowledged my efforts ...but of course they didn't notice tho 🙄 I never told anyone what I was doing how can I expect them to read my mind?). When I was a teen, I was so mean to my family. All that resentment just festered inside of me and came out as disdain. I still have extreme issues when asking for help, especially financial help, to this day, and I'm extremely possessive of any and everything I buy 😭
So true! I’m an eldest daughter, and I still feel all the ways my parents treat me differently from my sister. We’re both adults, both have jobs, both pay rent to live with our parents as early 20-somethings, but I’M the only one that really contributes to housework, and all she does is eat, sleep and go to work, never helps out at all. It’s not fair and I try to call them out on it, but they barely do anything about it.
Then why do you keep doing everything? Don't do it, do your part and that's it. Some people won't see the problem if you just telling them, so you have to show them. If you stop doing everything they will see the amount of work YOUR doing and how less they doing and in a healthy family they hopefully will change that attitude. And if not then still, don't do everything and safe your ennergy for yourself.
I bet they believe “well your the oldest your supposed to have more of the responsibility” and since your sister never naturally took up her share your parents just straight up believe that she’s unable to do so or will refuse to do so even if asked
@@kksassy2282 100% wish I had understood this years ago. It can be hard bc systems don't like to change, your family will push back in somw eay, but stay strong for future you>
I know it's not realistic for everyone given today's CoL crisis, but prioritize moving out over everything else (maybe moving in with roommates if you're already paying rent). My own only sibling is a sister 9 years younger than me, who I was a parent to throughout my entire teenage years. I moved out when I was 19 amid massive guilt for "leaving" my sister with my dysfunctional parents, and my parents were not okay with me moving out so it led to a lot of conflict. But now, 20 years later, it is the best decision I every made, both for my own mental health and my relationship with my parents. Setting boundaries (despite being labelled "selfish") is much easier to do when you have actual physical distance.
You know what sucks this most? Doing a lot of suffering and work by yourself and still being told that I am incompetent because of the mistakes I went through when there was noone there to help me. Yet, I’m the guide and the person who showcases those mistakes to my younger sister. The audacity of these people to not recognize any of it.
My 2 sisters moved away. They expected me (the eldest daughter) to take care of our mother, while Mom loved them more. Well, surprise surprise when I quietly didn’t. She is with my brother, the one she had always intended to leave the house to. SMH.
I have a younger brother; my mom's golden child. She coddles him & he's used to it. (and as we got older & she got tired of doing the heavy lifting she'd get annoyed that i wasn't 'picking up the slack' of making his life easier). I've recently started working & she's constantly trying to get me to take up household obligations & 'retire' her. She told me once that she intends to leave him all the properties (they own 4 houses) yet still can't understand why I'm reluctant to sponsor him through his last year of uni. My mom has flat out admitted that she fully expects me to act as her care giver in her old age. I feel like my only purpose is my utility & bragging rights - I was academically gifted; I genuinely feel like my mother would not have cared for me if I had been an average student who went on to get an average job. But getting older also made me realize my mom was also a victim; having raised, housed & financed each & every one of her 5 younger siblings - and she's not my grandma's fav. My grandma similarly coddles my youngest uncle who is a wreck. It's all she knows so I can't fully blame her for perpetuating what's become some what of a generational curse.
It never ends, and follows you into every relationship, somehow. Every manager I've had for the last 5+ years has been a person dealing with emotional collapse after a personal tragedy. Which means that somehow my work life is a constant repeat of my childhood, where I am constantly providing emotional support and stability.
Sophie from Howl's castle also shows this. She's the oldest and takes care of hat shop that she doesn't particularly love. Because she feels that she has to. But then many things happen, she leaves the house and has experiences with other people. Even at the beginning she was still portraying those older sister behaviors like cleaning the castle, and cooking. Almost in a compulsive manner. Eventhough she doesn't have to.
I loved this film when I was a small girl. I identified with Sophie in terms of appearance but also in terms of character. As a little child I was surprised how on earth there was a character who reflected me so much :') This film touches on so many different aspects of being the oldest daughter that we could talk about it for a long time. But what I wanted to add- you mentioned cleaning and taking care of the castle, I would also add spending time with Markl - Howl's little student. I remember that on the one hand I had nothing against her taking care of this little boy...but on the other hand it bothered me a bit because I had the impression that Sophie was once again burdened with responsibility even though she was doing it out of her kindness. I read the book (since I wanted to compare things) and although Sophie does not take care of Markl (because he is older) she is expecting a child soon after the main events and it once again made me kinda sad. I understand that pregnancy fits the era in some way, but again I was sad that she had only just started a new chapter in her life and was again faced with a huge responsibility.
Yeah I read the book and the entire thing is basically about Sophie learning to reject the eldest sister syndrome. This is the very first paragraph “In the land of Ingary, where such things as seven-league boots and cloaks of invisibility really exist, it is quite a misfortune to be born the eldest of three. Everyone knows you are the one who will fail first, and worst, if the three of you set out to seek your fortunes”
My maternal grandmother was the only girl with 4 brothers (she was the eldest of the 5), my mother was the only girl with 3 brothers (middle child) and I'm the only girl with two brothers (also middle child). You can definitely see how much absolute shit that has been passed down, its crazy. Eldest daughters, let us unite in getting some much needed REST
@@princessangel821 I'm not even a firstborn but I'll tell you, middle children, especially middle girls with all brothers, could definitely several books about the experience
The awareness around eldest daughter syndrome has been so healing for me, as an eldest daughter of 5 kids. Yeah, I was definitely parentified and though my home life wasn't as bad as Fiona's, I could relate to her struggle to balance her own desires with the real need to take care of her younger siblings.
I am an eldest son, not daughter, but still this really resonated with me. I was parentified to the point that I “forgot” to have a childhood and reckoned with that fact at the age of 25. I always put the needs of my brothers above mine, but when pressed, my mother took affront to someone noting how “helpful and mature” I was, saying that I was “like a mini adult” at the age of five. I love my baby brothers and my parents AND I think I will struggle with this for the rest of my life.
Get in some therapy. It will really help you set your mind at ease. As the eldest, I still am there and caring for family but it doesn't feel like pressure like it used to and made me feel guilty if I didn't do anything to help anyone. Now I can say no, do what I can to help, and I don't feel so anxious all the time. My family is full of mental illnesses and physical disabilities (I have both myself) and lots of generational trauma, so it would be horrible to abandon them, but there's been lots of space made and thanks to therapy, I stopped feeling like a bad person for not taking the role of eldest daughter constantly. Trust me when I say it has really been a load off my shoulders.
I genuinely believe that being the eldest daughter and having to help raise my sisters and cousins while growing up is the reason that I have chosen to remain child free as an adult. One of the largest struggles that I still have is trying to live my life for me as I'm still being pulled into the role of a caregiver but now for family members that are getting along in their age. It landed on me to be responsible while growing up to take care of the young ones. And now that I'm an adult and trying to distance myself and live my life for me, I am called selfish and ungrateful because I don't want to be the one to take care of the elderly in the family. 😮💨
I think you forget the most obvious difference between modern family and the other families listed and that is that Hayley grew up in a healthy family environment and wasn't subjected to parentification.
I'm the eldest daughter who experienced parentification (cos my mum was a poor immigrant) but I think my experience of taking responsibility early on has made me a better person for it. I was almost a decade ahead of a lot of only-child friends. I'm in my 20s and my siblings are teens now, reflecting I can see I was able to multitask, time orientated and wasn't shy about being a leader ahead of everyone else. Not to mention social skills that I think had a lot to do with me being the eldest daughter. Ironically, a lot of the social skills younger autistic people struggle with, I never had an issue with. There are a lot of negatives to parentification but it's not all bad.
@@laylah150you mom should have not had any kids. What she did to you was horrible. I am sorry 😢. I am also an immigrant kid but my parents refused to have any more kids
@@enderfortescue487 I said what I said. She’s trying to paint her abuse with a Rose colored glasses maybe over the years she will finally have some sort of mental break like most children that were made into parents too young. Usually comes with not wanting to start a family young or not have any kids or just a complete breakdown. I have seen it happen so many times 😢
@@ccutehoney i dunno doesn’t seem like she’s going to have any hardship dealing with life based on her own admission. But lemme understand this, if she were to have kids or no kids she’d probably have a mental break down…? So she’s screwed either way.
Oldest daughter here. Taught my little sister to read and cared for her all day for a while. But she was a pretty good kid and is now one of my best friends.
Thank you pointing out that the first-born girl gets this shit, regardless of birth order. I'm the only girl with an older brother, no other siblings. My mother used me as her emotional rock when her relationship with my Dad zigzagged for 15 years, when my grandparents died and when her drinking really took hold of her. My brother used to fight back and stand up for himself but I kept my head down and tried to play peacemaker, because I thought that neither my brother nor my mother had the emotional stability to do it. I still remember hiding in my room crying when Granddad died, because I couldn't do it front of them. They both needed me to support them instead. If I ever called my mother out on her bullshit, I was threatened with being thrown out onto the streets, called "disrespectful", "selfish" and "evil since the day I was born". Over time it evolved into me organising her work schedule, checking her emails and doing all the household chores. Imagine her surprise when she finally followed through on her threat of kicking me out (because I refused to end a date with my then-boyfriend, now husband) early and come home, regretted it and asked for me to come back a few weeks later, and I said "No." I'll always remember the feeling of walking out of that house with nothing but a suitcase of clothes, my phone and my wallet - the weight of the world was finally off my shoulders. Even on my wedding day, I didn't want my Mum - I wanted A mother,, I wanted the support a mother should give, but not her. Haven't spoken to her in years and I've never regretted it. Fuck you, Jan. You made your bed, now lie in it.
I’m the oldest and I can tell you that shit is absolutely traumatizing! You go from seeing your parents basically having you on lockdown, no freedom to not giving a shit what the youngest one is doing. That’s why I’m not having children, it’d be very selfish on my part to make someone go through that.
I don't want children either, but if I was going to I'd make damn sure I was going to treat each one equally as possible. This is also a case where you luck out if you just had only one kid or a set of twins.
@@twocents7509 things like mental and physical disabilities can actually prevent you from wanting to parent as you want. My mom's PTSD and other mental stuff would really throw us for a loop and make her say and do stuff she didn't mean to say but couldn't stop herself from saying. She parented my middle sister and I different than the youngest due to finally getting some help and changing everything by the time her parenting really mattered.
Fellow eldest daughter here. Being the other parent to a sibling 7 years younger, I was given a lot of the responsibility with none of the authority. My mom would leave me in charge but would never enforce that I should be listened to or respected, so it just felt like the worst of both worlds. This has made me very uninterested in becoming a parent myself, for reasons my mom can’t fathom. My peek into parenting was that sucked and took a lot of my independence. Why would I want to sign up for that again? But it’s also affected me professionally. I shy away from leadership roles, even though I’m capable and like doing all the work. It’s like I don’t know how to “perform” leader, but I know how to do it. Something I’ve been actively working to combat recently.
Same!!!!! My life was very similar in that aspect in that I had to parent my 7 years younger sister without the authority and it's made me want nothing to do with having my own kids and my mother doesn't understand that either.
Boy, was this me. Basically live in nanny for 10 years of my childhood. Why would I want to do it again with even more stress now that I have adult responsibilities? they say "Oh, it's different when it's your own children." I fire back with "if that's true, why does child abuse exist?"
I never had and now can't have kids due to a medically necessary hysterectomy. My family never understood me not wanting to be a mom, between refusing to pass on our neverending mental/physical disabilities in our genes and taking care of kids as the oldest I just decided against it. Now whenever people try talking to me about how I can't relate to raising children because I never had any, I tell them "hey, I had to raise 2 and even raised my friends due to abusive parents. I may not have given birth but I was a parent and can relate to a lot of the struggles".
My sister has been taking care of me since she was around 6 or so and when our brother was born she practically raised him. There's five of us and she doesn't want kids
I started therapy 11/12 years ago. 4 years ago my middle sister says I "abandoned" her. I see it that I simply took control of my life finally. I still find that everyone's problems become my puzzle to solve, I just don't take the action I used to. If they ask and then refuse to follow advice... I freed myself from feeling accountable to that.
being the eldest daughter meant that leadership and management roles came naturally to me, but I struggle with the sense of anxiety that being in a position of responsibility brings. I can only manage that kind of role in my professional life. At work I'm a confident leader. At home, I rely on my partner to make major decisions and keep our household running. I can't imagine filling both roles... I'd implode.
Exactly! I could never figure out why I was so successful in my career and had no patience for my home life. Unlike you, I had to provide for myself at home as well. Still am at age of 75. I dumped my husband after my daughter grew up and went to college. I couldn’t stand submitting to someone when I got home. I ascribe to the adage: Lead, follow, or get the heck outta my way😂
@@gingersnap5245 I love to hear you living life on your terms 💕 as much as my husband takes care of things at home, I'm not going to give up my own bank account for anything. Too many wise women like you have warned me to have my own money!!
@@gingersnap5245 You are very strong like a lot of the women in my family! My grandma wouldn't give her blessing to our marriage unless I promised her I would have a secret bank account with enough money to leave if I needed it. I kept my promise! I love my husband very much but it gives me peace of mind.
im so glad this is being talked about . I'm an eldest daughter and the way I'm treated versus my younger brother and sister, especially when comparing how our childhoods were and how our parents treated us, is so different 💔
Honestly, thank you. I needed this so much. I am the only child, only daughter ... and although I never experienced taking care of a sibling, I became a caretaker for my dad and now my grandma. I've always dreamt about having huge family, but I'm so exhausted of putting everyone before me that all I long for is to be alone and at peace. It's more of a curse than syndrome.
Exactly right I’m the eldest daughter, but not the oldest child. I have three older brothers that are six to one year older than me, but everything falls on me to take care of everyone, including them.😢
Constantly say I’M NOT YOUR MOM to them like a lot like every time they try to put you in that role That’s empowering and re wires your brain to realize hey I’m not their fukin mother
BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE!! As the eldest daughter, I do feel a lot of these burdens and responsibilities within the eldest daughter syndrome. We really are parentified and almost always never get our needs met but ALWAYS taking care of others needs. It’s a blessing and curse for me because while I would do anything for those I cherish and hold dear to my heart, I rarely ever put myself first and it’s really such a constant struggle between self care and being a martyr. Its can incredibly exhausting but I find such power still in the eldest daughter. Shes incredibly well-rounded and equipped to deal with everyday life, and often is underestimated for her other talents and abilities. Thank you for this video, it fed my soul 🫶🫶
I so related to your post. My parents decided to grow the family when I was 10. They had three more. It devastated me at the time and I’m certain I carry the scars of my hurts never being attended to. Puberty? I never had time for it. Marriage? Divorced because I wasn’t going to be a mom to a college educated man who should be caring for me. Of course, I was the only one of the tribe who earned a college and post-grad degree which I paid for! What is most difficult is I’m now 75 and am a caregiver (once again) to my middle sister who attempted suicide 42 years ago. She’s now 64 having survived a self-inflicted gun-shot wound to her head. The family throws oodles of money at me to care for her. Believe it or not, I still remember the days from 5 yrs to 10 when I was most contented as an only child. You’re right about the martyr syndrome. But, I have free rent and car in a brand new build in FL. Sadly, all I really still want is to be alone🤣.
I have an 11 year old who became a big sister a year and a half ago. She transitioned from only child syndrome to oldest daughter fast. I have to constantly remind her that she is not the mom, and there are things she doesn't have to worry about. I honestly don't know where that pressure comes from.
Thank you for this awareness. I fell into those feelings as the eldest girl and my parents absolutely never expected or encouraged it. I just loved my brother and got a kick out of him looking up to me. Thank you for saying this to her, it will hopefully have her relax a bit and just enjoy being with her sibling rather than always feeling the need to parent ❤️
My father was a Marine, and when my parents decided to grow the family I was 10. Oy! This recruit was parentified with an MOS as mom’s Number One. Help your mother, he would yell. Geez, life stunk. One minute you’re the apple of daddy’s eye, the next someone who wipes up the floor after every meal. You must tell your little girl that she is not responsible for her sibling and that you NEVER expect her to be. Believe it or not, I’m 75 and caregiving my middle sister who is 64 and suffering from a traumatic brain injury for 42 years. I’m not a martyr, but none of the other sibs will do it.
Subconsciously you’re putting the responsibility on her. I should know, I was born a girl and was subconsciously forced to take on the role because my mom was incapacitated and my father was checked out. So guess who tried - and failed - to be the surrogate parent? And I’m still vilified for not living up to impossible standards normies set for autistic people, especially when taking on a parental role. It’s EXHAUSTING. Plus I’m transitioning into a man, which is long overdue, but because I’m living life my way for once I’m evil. My point is, you’re doing it without even recognizing what you’re doing because misogyny like this is so ingrained. It’s an implicit bias society says biology enforces, but recognizing that gender roles are societal is important. Therefore, you cannot throw the responsibility of your new baby into her, ever, unless you want to continue this behavior. She didn’t just learn it overnight, after all.
Eldest son here. I was expected to be the father figure for my siblings because our father was never home or cared enough to spend time with us. I had to set the example, discipline my siblings, help them learn, be their protector, do all the heavy labor around the house, get good grades, get a good job, and never get “distracted” by women. All the while still bowing to the “actual” man of the house who despised the fact that all his kids treated me with all the respect he thought they should have been showering him with. I never had time for friends, relationships, or hobbies, and if I tried to make time I would be shamed by my parents for being so selfish and shirking my responsibilities. My needs and wants didn’t matter in the slightest, all that mattered was how good I made the family look. And I still don’t envy the eldest daughters in my family. Because at the very least I was praised for the many burdens put on me. My aunts and uncles would actively vouch for me because they all saw I was being saddled with all my father’s familial responsibilities. Meanwhile they never gave their eldest daughters the same kindness. Instead they would berate them even more for wanting their own lives, their own careers, and not be limited to only being mothers. They did all the same things I did, but they were never praised by their family as I was.
Eldest to 6. I recently had a sibling, after being in thereapy, tell me she really resented me for a long time and didn’t know why until she realized I was the 3rd parent when out own couldn't keep it together, and how hard that must have been for me.
As an eldest daughter, it also is a big reason. So many of us, don't want to have kids now. We spent our lives taking care of others. I don't want to keep doing it anymore. Emotionally and mentally I'm done with it. Only for our family to look at us badly for choosing not to do so
Middle child but the only daughter. I sacrificed my early adulthood years to help my brother make his “dream” come true, and now he says “It wasn’t a big deal and it’s nothing” well let’s see how life goes for him after his eldest sister cuts contact and won’t help him anymore.
I feel really seen with this one. I'm an eldest child/eldest daughter/only daughter. When my little brother was in a motorcycle accident last year, I took on the role of emotional backbone and household caretaker while mom was glued to the hospital. Now that he's at home again, he still needs an in-home caretaker while mom is at work as well as a pseudo physical therapist (see rant below). Between the middle brother or me, guess who has been filling those roles. Unrelated mini rant: (the medical system in the US is completely broken. Insurance wouldn't cover physical therapy, and the nursing home admins view their patients solely as a paycheck. There's also nearly zero resources for adults who become disabled. Most programs are geared towards children or the elderly, not to mention all the red tape involved with disability care.)
Just in case, I'm the only child in a somewhat similar situation but with my mom and it's just us, even with extended family. BUT I had qualified for being paid to take care of my mom, maybe you should look up any programs that could financially compensate you for your time. I mean I'm unable to go and do a regular job because of my own situation. I don't truly know the entirety of your own situation, but maybe this could help be something like a slush fund for yourself and your own life. And don't tell your brother until you can figure out how it will work out for you, because if you're taking up most of the work in taking care of your little brother, you deserve some sort of compensation.
@@abbb4460 thanks for the tip. We're already in the process of starting to get me paid, but unfortunately there's no backdating policy for all the work I've already put in.
5:33 I feel validated as the youngest only daughter feeling similar pressures as these. I used to be surprised that people would guess I was the eldest child, but this video helped me unpack that a little
Same, people surprised to find out that I’m the youngest. My older sister is “precious baby girl” for our mom even in her 30s, while I’m “get sh done” problem solver. If people hear that I’m the youngest before they get to know me, they assume I’m spoiled entitled princess, who doesn’t lift her pretty fingers much.
That’s my mama, she became parent at 11 years old, she became the mother to her sister. She wanted to be Childfree for a very long time after that, she said she became a mother as a kid and was taking a break. I’m very surprised she had me and I’m an only lol ❤ love you mama ❤
Growing up as the oldest of 2 girls in an Asian family. I envied my sister way into my tweens. We, oldest daughters are almost all recovering peoples pleasers. I had to perform, raised my sister, and got the punishment whenever things went south. I needed to be stronger, better, tougher, and the boy my parents never had. Consistantly over-performed but never received any recognition, only a disappointment since I wasn't born in the right gender. My parents didn't show up at my highschool graudation because it wasn't important enough for them to be there. I was watching all my friends with their family there, but I wasn't allowed to show any kind of sadness nor displeased in front of my parents. Every single one of my exes told me I was too strong, too independent, too stubborn, sometimes unemotional, as if I never needed anyone. These truma will never go away, even as a parent myself I feel responsible for everything. Luckily I have a loving partner who is also the oldest of 3, so we understood everything about each other, eventhough he found me intimidating at first, the kind of love and encourage he gave me is unparallel to anything I've know before. My daughter is a reflection of myself, a peoples pleaser, she never really cries aloud, only sobs silently. Sometimes it breaks my heart to see her sad but wouldn't even allow herself to have a good cry.
I'm an oldest child/ daughter and got intense pressure to be the perfect role model, constantly shamed for my "selfishness" and "laziness". I rebelled, doubled down and refused to meet demands. What was the worst they could do? Scream at me? Ground me? Call me names and criticise me? They would do all that stuff if I did try my best to behave. Why put in the effort and hope for praise, only to be disappointed? Turns out I have ADHD, diagnosed as an adult. That explains a lot 🥴
Yep, ADD here. But I have a lot of other disabilities, too, and have even been potentially considered autistic but can't afford the testing. My disabilities really changed things for me when I was growing up and raising my sisters.
This is an exceptionally good episode! I felt like she was talking directly to me! I have three brothers & ended up running the dysfunctional family business till my stepdad got old & weird & FIRED ME!!! I feel so seen right now! Another great job by my favorite the Take narrator...listening to her really is just like talking with a very smart friend.
I saw clips of the 2000s Cheaper By the Dozen and Piper Perabo's character was high key a parentified child who centered men like Ashton Kurcher and why not? She is used to people who always demanded her time and attention? She deserved better. Betty Suarez is an example of a parentified younger sister. Also in many immigrant households, whatever fights you have with parents will make it easier for the girls that follow.
There are the parentified younger siblings, which often occurs when older sibling has children young, so then the younger sibling has to take care of their nieces and nephews.
Omg it’s stressful. I am the oldest of three in a single parent household and I am always in charge of stuff. I feel like if I don’t do it, no one else will and everything will fall apart.
Being the oldest myself IS TOUGH. I don’t think my sisters realize how much of me I lost when they were little while our parents worked. While I had no emotional support, I wanted them to feel safe oftentimes at the expense of my wellbeing. You don’t know what you don’t know, right? I can’t blame them. I then years down the line, deteriorated and they didn’t understand why. How can one be perfect all the time and STRONG? When I wasn’t, I was the black sheep… it’s exhausting. Glad I freed myself. Glad ( in a way) my suffering and deteriorating, glued the family. 💗✨ some families never do. This is REAL!
I am an eldest daughter. I thought being less emotionally inclined is just a personality flaw. I realized that it is a coping mechanism because I was both standard and my siblings' mini parent. My parents were busy entrepreneurs so my mother has talked to me and explained thr importance of being there for my siblings. Growing up, I felt I need to excel so I can then help my siblings. In a way, I love my siblings but I feel resentment that I am not allowed to make mistakes. However, it is not conducive as well. My siblings are younger, but they have their own strengths, and it took a while for me to understand that I can rely on them.
I always related to Fiona, though my circumstances are much different from hers, I still felt the expectations from my family to life up to the family name, as the oldest child, and set an example for my younger brother.
Eldest daughters and any daughters in a society that worships the male child raise themselves and end up shouldering the burdens of the family and taking care of the parents who have not given daughters grace. Of course eldest daughters have it harder in this regard and will always be grateful for my eldest sister for raising me.
Eldest daughter here and both my parents have moved into my house. One is retired and the other almost retired. Most days are ok but deep down I long for my own space and life. Sometimes the pressure gets too much. But I thrive in my career to keep me busy, focused and out of the house.
I always like Fiona in Shameless, she plays the mother figure to her family when both her parents are gone and love them equally. Sure she’s messed up just like anyone in her family, but I always appreciate how strong will she is especially that she takes care of her siblings when they were young kids
I'm the eldest daughter, and eldest child, AND eldest girl of all my cousins. So, of course, I was Mommy 2.0 and even had to become a live-in Nanny to my much younger cousins when I was in high school. My aunt worked long hours and didn't get off work till 9pm. so I kept the house clean, cooked dinner, fed everyone, gave everyone their baths, helped them with their homework, put them to bed and THEN started my own school work after cleaning up from dinner. This parentification started when I was in second grade, that was when they felt I was old enough to have responsibility over my siblings and cousins. So, you can imagine that by the time I graduated, I had been a parent for 10ish years at that point. I knew that being a "Real" parent was going to be much worse than this. I already hated my life and resented that I had no life as a teenager because I was expected to be home to care for the younger ones and clean. So I knew Motherhood was not for me. I didn't like who i was when I was "In charge" I didn't like being responsible for lives. My siblings and I rarely communicate. I''ve cut out my only sister and the cousin I helped raise from infant to high school. I stopped being a people pleaser and these two family members didn't like that I could tell them no, figure it out yourself. My family says that I was taught responsibility, I told them all they taught me was that I was only good for being a nanny and that parenthood sucks. So they can get their grandbabies elsewhere. Now that I'm 40, I think they are starting to realize what they've done. I'm happily childfree and no longer a people pleaser. I've been married 20 years, and own my home. I still need therapy to help let go of the anger and resentment, but I'm relatively happy otherwise.
When my first depression hit, it in retrospect was good. Because it let me begin to heal from my personally oldest daughter syndrome (be my mums friend, my parents therapist, my brothers mentor, hide emotions, allways be the one appoligizing etc.)
My sister rejected the older sister role and it fell to me the youngest daughter. I had to parent my older sister and people mistook me for the older sister. It made her pissed, but refused to take on any of the older sister reasonability and just took out her anger on her.
0:20 =... Whelp... I regressed since my father's sh*t😂😂... I am the first born and the only daughter but my younger brother is mistaken as the oldest... In the end me and my younger brother balance the eldest role😂 And I made sure they can survive without me... I think... Even if it makes me sh*try (make them cook for themselves)... Still yeah, I have to be the one to make sure my life is smooth (At least, even if I am sh*t) so my brothers has greater chance... Romance is off the question until we reach our goals... It's nice though that my brothers and I are close.
My sister was pushed to become the maternal figure, to take care of me. But along the way, she rebelled and resented mom for all the pressure and expectations she put on her. Even worse, mom made comparisons between me and my sister, how she wished she was more like me: good grades, smart, reader... quiet, obedient. It really damaged my sister for the longest time. It took years for them to repair their relationship, and it mainly helped when they were no longer under the same roof.
my therapist told me my eldest daughter syndrome was so bad I needed to re-learn and practice crying when I was alone. That hit me. Eventually I moved out of state to pursue my career. Best move I ever made! I really learned who I was and what I truly wanted. However, 3yrs later my entire family moved out to follow me. We're all living together now. It has it's ups and downs and I'm back in my old role in many ways, but at least this time I have more of a backbone and know where I can go to find myself again.
Hand problems back to their rightful owners and set boundaries! I'm in my late 30s and finally understanding the issues which plagued me for so many years. As the oldest and also the only daughter I feel like I am counted on as the fixer, the emotional support, the rational problem solver and so on. My failures or decisions which don't align with my family's desires are perceived as personal attacks. Definitely have helped myself through therapy and self reflection to be more assertive and not give as much of a 💩.
not to be "what about men" but I feel like we can also talk about how especially in poc commuties the edlest boy sometimes can get stuck with the title of "man of the house" despite being a child. That often leads for the son to be ignore emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Idk if this makes any sense. It's not a fully formed thought yet
Yes you see this trope often is in movies about poverty or in the past/sexist societies where women. You see this even in some countries where women have to be accompanied by a male relative for protection even if that male relative is their little brother. Eldest sons basically have to take on the role of provider and protect protector. In fact Katniss actually embodies both the tropes, as she had to act as father and mother for her sister.
True. My great grandfather had to be the "man in the house" once his dad was no longer in the picture, when he was 7, and I remember my mom telling me how he started smoking and drinking at that age because all the adult men around him were doing it, so he wanted to do it too to feel like a "man" because he felt pressure to grow up fast. He remained an alcoholic for basically the rest of his life.
This comment is 100% valid. Just because this video takes about eldest daughter syndrome, doesn't mean that eldest sons don't also go through the same thing in their family household. Thanks for sharing, dude.
When I was a teenager, my partner lived with her 23 year old sister because her parents were dysfunctional alcoholics and the sister was always very strict about her spending any time with me. She didn’t trust her little sister or me and was pretty mean about it. I resented the older sister a lot back then but now that I’m in my late 20s I really start to understand why her older sister was like that. The idea of having had to raise a teenager before even the age I am now sounds daunting to say the least
I'm the oldest sister, I may not have plenty siblings, but I do have one younger brother, he's rebellious and mean. At times, I often hear him saying to me, "You're not my mother," and even I get that comment from my dad when he is not taking care of himself. And I just stop. When I was in high school, my teacher left her 5 year old son in the classroom, most of the students had leave the class, I stood behind, keeping an eye on him. Then my teacher returned back and she was shocked to see me. I told her that I stood behind to look after him, and she said to me, "You have maternal instincts"
It feels like a thing that comes to eldest daughters. I am essentially mom/aunt to everyone from friends to coworkers to kids of friends/coworkers to my godkids, etc. People came to me for advice and help and I did what I could. I helped raise my 2 sisters and even shouldered my parents/grandma's burdens from generational trauma. I was there since birth for my littlest sister so between caring for her and my sister and even abused friends, I say I had the experience/instinct of a mom without actually having biological kids.
This teacher clearly was not a eldest daughter herself. And in your shoes, I would have stayed to keep an eye on that poor boy all alone. You just do it, without thought. Probably because you are trained into it.
Great video @thetake The last points you made in the analysis were spot-on. I have shaken the burden of eldest daughter with the help of my sister and it feels so nice, we now have a very healthy relationship and I'm living my life for me. My Mum is still working on herself and I'm now vocalising my boundaries and stepping out of the box. It feels refreshing :-)
Yes 🙋🏽♀️ the day I put my foot down and refused to follow my parents expectations - apparently I created a rebellion for all the other siblings to do as I did - I regret nothing 😑 Louisa and Isabella from Encanto 😁
I put my foot down and said no to having kids young and no to simply having kids since my sisters and I all have mental illnesses (and I have physical disabilities as well) that stemmed from a long line of bad genetics where people keep having the same issues in every previous generation with some being hospitalized in institutions/asylums. We put an end to it because someone had to. I started it and my siblings followed. Even my cousins, save for my adopted one, did.
I'm the eldest child, daughter and cousin in a large family. I could take care of 4 infants at once by 7 years old. I remember my little sister saying "I know you'd volunteer for me but I wouldn't for you in the hunger games, you know that right?" I told her I knew that, and I wouldn't expect her to. That I wouldn't forgive her if she had. She also used to joke how she wouldn't donate a kidney to anyone, then I found out I had a tumor on one of mine. I saw the panic on her face (because she realized she might actually have to make that decision), to which I just laughed and told her they think it's benign, besides we have different blood types. My sister is 33 and I'm 39 and I'm still protective of her. My younger brother, not so much. He used all of us too much.
My mom and sister talk about me (my sister doesn't live with us) and when I one time brought it up as usual my mom started calling me delusional and insane and said I need to think about things I did in the past. I wish she was gone honestly
I’m thankful my older brother helped me in taking care of my younger brother when we were left alone, as a middle child I was only remembered when it was time to do chores, and I always had to pick up after my brothers when they didn’t do their chores
Encino was so refreshing when it comes to this topic as I relate to Luisa in some ways also my sisters related to the eldest daughter and my youngest relates to Mirabel. It does helps us realized the problem and in some ways aware of this happening to our family and our relationships as siblings
This is the perfect birthday present. Thank you. 😭💔 Also, I would argue that Cassie in Euphoria is very much shown to have taken on the role of caregiver to her sister Lexi much earlier in her life, right around when her mom and dad split, but Cassie is acting out in high school. Right when I was about to turn to an adult I also acted out. That time in my life was the worst time in my life because I really wanted to show my mom how unfair I’d been treated. I did things I now regret. I hurt people I didn’t want to hurt. But I also was very much hurting myself and at that time literally nobody cared about my feelings. Most people still don’t care about my feelings. They only care about what I can do for them. After I was able to break away from the toxic family dynamics and expectations placed on me, I felt so free. I felt like I was finally healing for the first time in my life. But I still had the internal belief that it was my job to go to college and support my sisters. Ever since I had my younger sister come back into my life demanding this or that, and I instinctively giving it to her without even a question (my partner and I have given her so much money I can’t even remember how much they’ve taken from us) I slowly began to see the situation for what it was. It was abusive for my younger sister to ask so very much of me. Now that I’m in therapy and healing I realize just how unfair most of my life has been because I’ve not been allowed to live my life for me. I’ve always been shamed into living my life only for other people.
As the eldest daughter in a family of 5 children, having 4 younger siblings, I can totally relate to this, even if my only sister shares a part of the burden, since I'm the firstborn all of the expectations are put on me. And my parents never tried to hide my parentification, I'm being told that I'm a second mother to my siblings since I'm 5. This goes to the extent that if my younger sibling gets a bad grade at school my parents get angry with me instead of him. I'm always expected to put my sibling first, and I'm always criticized for every little mistake I make. I'm always anxius, trying to be perfect at everything I do, and I even had anxiety attacks for making a mistake. I'm always scared of doing something the wrong way or even forgetting to do something. Lately, I'm trying to put myself first and tell them that I'm no one's mother when they want me to act like a mother, but they call me selfish and lazy which is nothing new since they also called me like that when I was always trying to please them. What I don't understand is why my parents wanted to have so many kids if they didn't want to parent them and they throw them to me. All of this experience leds me to want to never have children since I feel like I already did. The sad thing is that my parents never recognise my efforts or what I do to help my siblings, claiming that is only natural and they say that I'm very capable and that's why I can and should handle it.
My dad has always been super strict with me and I asked him why and he was honest and told me it's because I'm the eldest and have to look after my two younger siblings. I have also decided it's going to be too much effort to have my own children and I don't want to make mistakes raising them because of my own mental health issues. The pressure I have felt all my life. It made me lash out at my younger sister when I was struggling through school and even now when all three of us are adults, I still give them my money, my time and all the advice and support I can muster. I love my siblings so very much. My parents always told me that as the eldest it was my responsibility to be the role model and to look after them, and I have happily took on that role since around 5 or 6 years old, because I love my siblings more than I cherish my own life. I had to be the successful one because they gave up all their money to mum. I had to be the bank, otherwise all three of us would have been without money and stability. Both my siblings are parents themselves and they have done a splendid job. They help me out as much as I help them. We three have a very balanced relationship a dove each other very much. I was blessed when my siblings came into my life. I wouldn't change a thing and I won't change in the future. I have no real dependents so I can earn enough money and do anything on the fly when necessary. So I will always bee here for my siblings and my nieces and nephews. When I die, everything I own will go to them.
I feel like my childhood and teen years were a rare case of The Youngest Sibling being the parentified daughter. My two older sisters never did anything for me in terms of cooking food, helping with homework, or being there for me emotionally. The minute I was tall enough to reach the sink, the oven, and the washer and dryer, I was the one who did everything around the house. It was my job to cook for my older sisters, my job to wash their dishes, my job to do their laundry, and it was even my job to wake them up for school and have breakfast ready for them. If I didn’t do those things, I was threatened with violence and/or blackmail of some sort. My parents basically gave up on trying to tell them to take care of things themselves so they would get mad along with them whenever something in the house wasn’t done. Even on days when I was sick and couldn’t get out of bed, they’d get angry at me for not doing chores or cooking. My older sisters always like and share memes about what it was like being an older sister and basically being a 3rd parents but I literally call them out about it every single time and they just tell me to shut up. Thankfully my oldest sister moved out, but my second sister still lives with my parents and I and she still acts the same way. She gets mad when the bathroom isn’t clean (it’s literally all of her stuff in the way) she expects everyone to wash her dishes for her, and she gets mad if someone else is in her way while she’s getting ready to go out. So yeah, definitely a rare case for me
I have such sympathy for you, gal. That's a real sh*tty situation to have grown up in. I hope you will have an opportunity in your life to move on from such toxicity. Good luck
There’s a Cinema Therapy video covering Encanto and the dysfunctional family dealing with perfectionism. I highly recommend for the “eldest daughters” out there.
I appreciate that Encanto explored how the golden child pf a family is hurt to. I think sometimes stories set them up to seem like they have more agency in their life than many golden children have.
I’m the middle child of a blended family with five children, but I’m the eldest daughter of my mom’s biological children. My two eldest siblings are married and with their own families while my younger brother is still in college. So when it comes to the eldest daughter syndrome I can completely relate. With my mom being sick all the time due to her poor health and having a little sister w/ autism and my dad being a truck driver I have to a good portion of the time take care of the house and do almost everything from taking care of both my mom and sister, to cooking and cleaning. I sometimes even take care of some bills. The only time I was able to escape from this was when I was in college. I can’t wait until I’ll be able to move out of my parents house and start to fully have a life of my own 😢😔
I'm the oldest of two girls, in my family, but for the most part, I would say that my sister and I have a healthy relationship, except for the occasional squabbles. However, that only seems to occur in the presence of our parents. Whenever we were alone together, we were fine. Same thing when we used to share hotel rooms, with my brother-in-law, on family vacations, before my niece was born. Even now, I can be in the presence of her and her family, when our parents are out of the room, and we seem to get along fine. But when we're all together, we don't always argue. It depends on the situation. Also, even though I'm the oldest, I have Autism, so it's a different dynamic. I don't always see things the way she does, and I don't always feel like I need her help, unless I ask. But we're older now, so I think we've arguing a lot less, especially now that she's married, with a family.
5:51 As an eldest son I can absolutely confirm that is completely untrue. I was forced to be a third parent with none of the authority and now my parents want to act shocked over the fact that I barely interact with my sisters as an adult.
It’s about prevalence and distribution in society as a whole. There’s also culture; there’s a number of ethnicities that are more strict on gender roles and so it’s even more common there.
I would love to see a video about eldest brothers and the expectations put on them (Brother Bear, Bridgerton, Big Hero Six, Narnia, etc). As an eldest daughter, I've related to a few, especially since I have a younger brother, not sister.
Isabella carries the family's expectations while Louisa carries the family. Her perfect persona and family love that Mirabella dosen't have make her the eldest. Also, give a clear recognition on the middle child in your next video.
a lot of this still applies even when the 'eldest daughter' is the youngest child. if you are the oldest daughter, you are expected to be the most mature child.
That’s my life in a nutshell. Youngest and only daughter, because I’m the responsible and dependable one everyone comes to me, including people 20 to 30 years my age at 32. It’s laughable how everyone who meets me automatically assumes I’m the eldest child and not the 37 year old older brother
Explain the struggles of being infantilized as the youngest daughter, please! I can’t relate and feel very awkward around my older sister cause we’re five years apart, I'm the last to know, and I'm not expected to help through family issues.
Yes!! Also the "the youngest can do no wrong/is the easiest." This goes hand in hand with eldest daughter syndrome in my experience. Cause who did the actual child rearing? Certainly not the parents. Seeing your siblings being treated worse than you is an awful feeling. When I was a kid it just never made sense to me. "My parents say they love us equally, but they don't treat us equally... Why?" Also I don't have my own feelings apparently. Im always influenced/manipulated by my older siblings. We're all in our 30s/40s. If I tell you that im angry at you Mom, i mean it.
It also doesn’t help when you have generalized anxiety disorder and your parents don’t expect you to do anything, so you end up putting yourself under a lot of pressure.
I’m the youngest but only daughter (and youngest grandkid) so not only was I infantilized, but also was given this deep anxiety about being this “perfect” angel and a longing to take all this stress off my very clearly burnt out mom (the eldest daughter of 3 & eldest grandkid of X knows how many🤯) so I feel like I got the worst of both worlds. Obviously I know I had it better than so many, but it’s also only in growing up that I’ve noticed the bruises below the surface.
Im the eldest and only daughter. When i was 9 i beat up my baby brothers bully. Now i care for our Mom because baby brother has stage 4 cancer and my other brother has heart disease.I do this while caring for my special needs adult daughter whos father has passed and never really was much help anyway.
Something I have been experiencing and somehow I draw in people who experienced it the same is eldest daughter syndrome but you get mentally/ physically sick and can't take role you are supposed to take but still you are the oldest 🤔
For the first year after moving out I felt anxious and stressed to check up on my family once I moved away. I felt like everything was gonna fall apart without me.
I am like Fiona, very much being consider a third parents even now as we all adults still my parents want me to parent my siblings My siblings perished me but my parents act like it 's my responsibility, they never even thank me for all my help to them doing their ongoing bad marriage
And then there's the flipside of "eldest daughter syndrome" there's "failed eldest daughter syndrome". I'm the eldest daughter and eldest child of 4 but I'm the only one with severe ADHD, learning disabilities, mental health disorders, mild personality disorders, chronic illness and chronic pain conditions as well as physical disabilities and multiple health issues. I had all the same pressures and expectations put on me as the eldest daughter and child but on top of that i had to deal with the severe stress and shame because i could never fulfill that role no matter how hard i tried. I felt so ashamed growing up and at 29 and my life still not going anywhere while my perfectly healthy and successful sibling's lives go on im still stuck. An endless cycle of pressure and disappointment.
I had the same issues, but I never failed because if I did, quite literally my family members would have offed themselves (their exact words). I was mom #2/3 (if grandma didn't want to help or if mom's/grandma's mental stuff and physical stuff was bad) and sometimes #1 when generational traumas got the best of my parents/grandma. I helped with homework, bed, entertainment, cooking, cleaning, etc. all while having seizures and a lot of other mental and physical disabilities myself. I even helped raise friends whose parents were abusive and/or kicked them out of the house; some couldn't read or write well and I taught them how. It was a very stressful situation but it was worth it to be "the fun sponge/happiness sponge" as everyone called me, saying I made their lives better and worth living. Everyone has been telling me, since I grew up and got my own life and got therapy/more diagnosises and became unable to work/go to school, that they were grateful for all I did. At 34 I finally got validation for my hard work and can mentally relax.
