I think I learn a little bit more about myself with each of these videos. Thank you for creating this resource. I don't think there are many people out there focusing on these issues in the way you are, and it's really helpful.
Exactly that. It was always normal...a drinking and raging Dad with severe Depression who even tried to take his life when I was 14. A mother who was overwhelmed with all of it...so I became my Dads psychologist and my Moms partner. My whole life broke down when I was 25 cuz within one second I realized that my whole life was a lie, nothing I did represented me or my character. I tried to fix it all alone for years, but I couldn't find what was wrong. I thought it was all me, I must be broken and massively wrong, because everything and everyone else was normal. Then one day another flash happened and I knew it was about my family (I then still thought everything was normal). So a little more than a year ago I decided to get into therapy and I am slowly recovering. One wouldnt believe how hard it is to wrap your head around the thought that what you went through wasnt normal, even though its totally obvious. However, it's a lot of hard but rewarding work. Thank you for shedding some light on this topic.
I just discovered the subject of parentification. I've spent years studying mental health and psychology and never ran into it. Trying to figure out me. I know something is wrong with me but everything I looked at doesn't quite fit. I have depression and anxiety. I thought I might perhaps have aspergers. But when I saw parentified child and the signs, OMG it is it! My mother was an alchoholic and binge drank. She was a nice person, not verbally or emotional abusive. So I never thought I suffered any trauma as a child. We were very close. My mother was 44 when I was born, the last of 7 kids. By the time I was 8 I knew she was very tired. I helped clean house, my two brother weren't expected to but I was. As I look back on my childhood, my Dad worked nights. my Mom days, she would come home cook dinner, my Dad left and she fell asleep on the couch by 7. She was tired. But I can't recall my parents ever interacting with me very much as a child. I spent most of my time playing alone in my room. I was a lonely kid. When my Mom started binge drinking, I took on more chores and helped my Dad. When I turned around 13, I was helping my Dad search her room for booze and making her detox because she wouldn't go in for help and we had to stop her. My dad worked nights so I stayed with my mom, physically kept her in her room so she couldn't go by booze, She was very tiny woman I was taller and stronger than her by the time I was 13. Then she would sometimes go into DT's and I would stay with her while she did. I did this off and on until she had a stroke when I was 20. I quite my job so I could stay home with her to help take care of her until my Dad finally retired.. I loved my mom she was a good person but had a disease. All the symptoms of being a parentified chlld I have. It explains my relationships with my daughter, my ex husband, and other family why I can't create intimate relationships, I isolate, feel overwhelmed but can't stop care taking if I feel my daughter or brothers need something, I have to help or I feel guilty. No wonder I feel so screwed up. I guess I am. Thanks for the videos.
A big one for me is the idea that my parents were doomed from the start. I can acknowledge the trauma they both experienced, and I don't hate them for it. Yet I find myself holding onto anger that I cannot direct towards anyone in particular, so it just sinks inward. Questions like "If this all resulted in me being born, do I have any right to complain?" will plague me after a particular incident and I'll just try to move on.
I understand that one. My experience plays out a little differently but one of the most healing and discouraging thigns that I realized was that "You're the strong one" used to feel like a compliment until I realized that it somehow gave people permission to ignore and neglect me. It created a lot of confusion and for a long time my ability to complain about a "compliment" seemed... high-maintancne or something. This stuff is weird lol;
The reason some may perform poorly in school is because they are very preoccupied with home life and simply don’t have the headspace or focus for anything else. Kids who exhibit this response are probably freeze types. I certainly was.
i was a fighter, all the way. still got parentified and didn't have any spare energy for school or friends... which led adults to tell me I needed to be " more responsible" 😅
@@billyb4790 When I was little it was excellent then became progressively worse as I entered my teens. I finally finished my schooling by correspondence school at 23. That was 5 years after moving out of my mom's house. I still have cptsd and struggle to concentrate
Mine was more emotional parentification but ever since I was 14 I got a job and was helping to pay bills and essentially raised my little brother. I did very well in school though, I went to a public high school (so barely any academic support) and continued to work during my last year whilst trying to get a top 5% selection rank to get into law degree. It was very stressful I would go to school 9-3pm then start work at 3:30 to 9:30pm go home and drink energy drink so I could stay up all night writing assignments. Plus dealing with my parents (being the peace maker). Even now I am 4th year law student 22 years old and still being parentified. It was only a week ago I realised that I felt like a parent to brother instead of a sister because I recently got a high paying job so I have been paying my brothers ‘rent’ to my parents and told him to save his money so he never has to feel like he has to go to work instead of studying his engineering degree and so he can do internship interstate bc I never had enough money to go myself. (I’ve also started an account for him that I’ve been putting money into that I havet told him about) My parents love to boost about our degrees and take credit for it but it was all me this entire time I wrote my brothers application to the maths and science high school so he would be better educated then at that shitty public school. sorry for this rant but all this to say my brother and I see this as opportunity to get away from our parents.
There were so many moments throughout this video where i just straight up stopped what i was doing and went, 'oh no' and just had lightbulb after light bulb go off. Thank you for talking about this subject. I never knew why i carried so much guilt with me and why i had so much trouble with maintaining friendships and boundaries. Mind blown.
It all comes down being afraid of the Fear Of Intimacy. That is to truly know what I'm feeling, knowing what I want in a healthy relationship. Just being clear with a thorough understanding of it all. I was never allowed to express my feelings in childhood. Continually being criticized and rejected. What amazes me how much I have lost and missed by a lack of feeling full, alive, enthusiastic, and above all else never having a True Self. If I wanted anything from anyone, i had to forfeit myself in the process. I've now been able to see things differently. I didn't get to choose my parents. Also, people cannot give you any Love, if they never received it either. Unfortunately, I'm living in Survivor Mode. Fear of getting to close to people, trust issues, inability to communicate effectively what I feel. Being honest and vulnerable with myself and others is still a little risky.
I would get detention at school because I was too busy sorting out my mom's insurance or lease etc to do homework, or because any school or social demands were a threat to her accessing my attention
I feel very disassociate with my life, a can't remeber large portions or my childhood and even my teenage years, my 20s are a bit of blur- i mostly only remeber things where my mother was going through menopause, drinking a lot and absolutely sticking the knife where it hurts repeateld using her words night after night after night, I cannot believe my father didn't divorce her during that period. I only properly remeber about the last 6 years with my husband.... but last year is a bit of blur because my parents stayed with use for weeks at a time every month, and they were exceptionally cruel and controlling during my wedding and pregnancy.
So... my father has parentified me for my whole life, until I became an adult and started being my own person. Now he projects this onto my 5 year old child. I don't know what to do. I, and everyone else in our family, can clearly see that it is deeply effecting my sons development. I was in a hard spot finding a babysitter and so he would take that on for me so I could work. But now that my son is in school and I'm much more stable, I don't need his help anymore. But now he demands to see my kids and emotionally manipulates me into responding to him. I am more adamant now than I have ever been about keeping my kids away from him. I want him to get help but he refuses to accept any personal responsibility and only demands to see my children in order for him to feel better about himself. I don't understand what to do. I'm at a loss. I desperately want him to get help. I know he used me emotionally when I was a kid as well, but he never hurt me in any way as a kid so I know he's a good person. He just has seriously deep seeded issues. What would you advise that I do?
I also forgot to mention that my son acts out in many ways that I have been trying to work on and allowing him to spend any time with my father reverses everything that I teach my son. My dad will support and take care of people, a.k.a. clean up; chores; every beck and call; etc.. However, my father needs emotional support and validation. Children are naturally accepting of people so I can understand. But it is becoming a serious issue between us. (I basically have to reteach my son personal responsibility, like cleaning up his own toys, grabbing a snack or a drink because I make it entirely accessible for him, changing his clothes, among other things that should be learned as a child that I had to learn as an adult and still struggle with because of this exact reason)
Don't protect your dad. Children often see their parents as infallible gods so if there's nothing wrong with them then it must be me. You're dad is abusing you emotionally and he has hurt you and it's not your fault. I've gone through similar experiences as yours. You didn't do anything wrong...he did.
I think 99% of this video applies to me can you make a video that is about how to open the peoples eyes who did this to you they claimed to love you, but don’t realize they’ve done this and are still doing it in a way, ngl I broke down a lot during this video
When your constantly attacked by your family and then your children for having a mental illness due to chronic abuse, neglect and abandonment the first 18 years of my life, you eventually just want to crawl under a rock, eat chocolate and wait for Jesus to return. That's where I am at 54!
