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Can confirm. Oh, and Tip: Don't try to get confirmation or closure from these people later in life. They're goin' to the grave floatin' down that river in Egypt. Denial.
Maybe their eyes have not been opened to the effect of their behavior or they are not ready to accept accountability. It's on child turned adult to break the cycle and heal from the effects, parental admission not required.
@@marycrowley1442I know I was never loved. Sometimes it hurts me but I don’t really have feelings about much anymore. I’m sorry for your pain. I understand how hard it is to realize that you are not loved.💜
"Emotional bread crumbs"... taste great. As emotionally malnourished people, how would we even know how being emotionally satiated is supposed to feel? Learning to reparent oneself, to give oneself comfort, acceptance, encouragement >sustenance
That first one lol. It makes texting/messaging hell. I could deplete my social battery for an entire day on a 1 hour dm chat because of how much energy I expend trying to read the other person's mind through their stickers and punctuation marks 😭 and then I draft and redraft every message in case I turn them off or cross a line. Fucking tiring man, I don't know how to turn it off.
I'm sorry you've had to feel this way. We should all be able to feel comfortable being ourselves to others without fear of rejection or abandonment. :(
I quit 1) giving a fuck and 2) talking to people that arent VIPs. Helped me a lot. 😂😅😅 I think telling myself repeatedly that "this convo prob wont matter in a day", or "people generally are self-obsessed and dont actually care what i think or do" helped me immensly to the point that i just dont look into it anymore. I just dont have the energy for it at my age, so i quit the habit. And if people dont put in the proper energy to communicate (for example, mumbling), i assume its unimportant and ignore. Im 35. It seems to happen with age. I cared SOOO much when i was younger - borderline crippling. Nope. My years go up and my fucks go down. Its beautiful. Thats why old people have exactly ZERO fucks to give. They do what they want and tell it like it is. Finally choose to be a person instead of everyones clown. 😎
@@P.e.m.a.good for you! I can relate to that. Cared too much about what people think for way too many years of my young life when I should have been carefree. Now I am 61 years old and wonder why I wasted my youth on being so obsessed with what other people thought of me. Exhausting and a waste of time.
My mom was busy with trying mostly unsuccessfully to emotionally regulate herself. I was walkong on eggshells and i ended up being an addict for most of my life 15 to 30 i got clean 09 02 2022 and i am doing a TON of work to grow into a safe person for myself and my kids. I love your channel ❤
I love how you deliver these lines while nonchalantly doing everyday things. When trauma and unhealthy coping techniques are the everyday while growing up, they don’t feel as shocking as they should be when you’re an adult.
You don't realize how bad it was until someone else points it out. A friend who says "wow I don't know how you handled that. How you deal with that." But it was completely normal to you so don't question it or think anything of it. Seeing another family or other relationships that are healthy and wholesome and you first tell yourself "well that can't be real that must be their 'TV' relationship. Surely they can't be like that when no one else is around". But then you keep seeing it. Seeing more people and families that really are like that. It's uncomfortable at first. My first instinct is to roll my eyes and think "look at the perfect people. So goody goody. " And think they have no idea what it's like to have problems. But then as you're around people like them more you realize... they have problems just like I do. The difference is they are there for each other. Supportive. Helping each other with whatever is needed no matter the age. When they ask for help they get it. No questions asked. No ableist bull. " You should be able to do that on your own." No. They just help. Then you realize that's how families should be. And you begin to mourn the family you could have and should have had. And who you could have been and the life you could have if you had had that family growing up. Mine wasn't awful. But definitely dysfunctional enough to have caused lasting issues for myself and my siblings.
@katrinar2071 I have no words.... The way you described your childhood was like the saddest poem. Beautifully written, but full of loss and sadness.🥺 It sounds like you're conquering that dark past with a BRIGHT NEW YOU!! 🌞 🙏 "IT'S NOT ABOUT HOW YOU STARTED, IT MATTERS HOW YOU FINISH"!! WITH NO TESTS IN LIFE, WE WOULDN'T HAVE A TESTIMONY! GOD BLESS YOU 🙌 🙏 ❤️
I was today years old when I learned that my parents were apparently emotionally unavailable 😅 I mean my dad was just absent, so ok. But I guess my mother’s instability, anger outbursts and screaming at the top of her lungs amounted to more than I thought. 🤔
For real. I can’t trust anyone because I’ll cling on to the smallest bit of kindness. Now I keep my distance from any seemingly nice people. Depressed people, I can trust more. They’re real.
This short is so spot on, the only think I’ll disagree with is that not everyone becomes a perfectionist. You either become a perfectionist or an underachiever. I read somewhere (and I believe this true) that if there is anyone in your life that does care or support you, like a grandparent, aunt, neighbors parent etc, you become an overachiever. If you literally having no one in your corner you become an underachiever.
I think it’s known that not every single person coming through situation is gonna turn out that way - Morceau showing a very common situation so people can realize it in themselves if it applies to them
most days i don't feel it's worth it to live like this. i pray that meditation helps. staying away from drugs and my family helped a lot too. but also left life feeling empty and meaningless.
You will get there in time. This vhannel and patrick teahan (also on yt) is a great resource. Just stay away from psych drug. Reminding yourself there's nothing fundamentally wrong with you and you are this way out of necessity growing up will let you let it go.
You're so brave to make those choices for you. I hope meditation helps you too. I can tell you from personal experience that it does help. Just be patient with yourself. Healing takes time. You'll find your light; its been there all along. I'm proud of you, and I support your journey.
The fact that you decided to stay away from what wasn’t good for you is proof that at the deepest core of your being, you know that there’s a better way to live. Keep going- you’ve already taken the most important step toward living a healthy and fulfilling life.
I get this so much. I feel like not being here but I stay for my kids and husband. Meditation has really changed my life in so many ways. If you need some guided meditations or resources I love Tara Brach. She wrote a book called radical acceptance, which is phenomenal and there are a ton of free resources on her website. Every day I am intentionally practicing breaking out of the trance (we call life) to realize how much bigger life can be when we break away from our egoic thinking. Sending you love and prayers.
@@sherryhubbard8612 I love that you mentioned Tara Brach; I've been listening to her for years, and love her book True Refuge. I just listened to her episode "Navigating the Dark Ages" this morning! May her work, and the wisdom of your own heart, continue to heal you. Blessings 💜
Perfectionism is my mom because of her emotionally unavailable parents. I'm the one who notices every mood shift and change in tone, and we both accepted emotional breadcrumbs in relationships and are both hypervigilant too. Saying it's utterly exhausting is the biggest understatement.
I had emotionally unavailable parents, I've since learned that my family and I are autistic. They tried their best but children can be overstimulating. I still love them a lot but it's good to understand that they're people too. Forgiving is apart of healing
Emotionally unavailable is just a nicer way of saying abusive and/or neglectful. Forgiveness is not healing when it means betraying yourself. Anger means I know I deserved better and they had no reason not to try.
Keep in mind we were all mostly raised by parents that were taught showing emotion was a sign of weakness. Break the cycle. Love anyway. Just because you can. ❤
After nine years of patiently loving a tender hearted man like this, just when we were about to build a new life together, a year ago, he said that I was too important to risk losing to a failed relationship because I am the only person he can really talk to so losing me would be his worst nightmare. As a child, he only got hugs when he visited his grandparents for Christmas. He never felt truly loved before me and was literally abandoned by everyone he ever loved before me. And now I have abandoned him too by telling him Saturday night that I can’t survive on his friendship alone and watch him making all of my dreams come true for other women anymore. 😢 Now he’s pulling out all the stops for a woman who confessed to me that she has all of the toxic traits he said he never wanted to deal with again. She spends money like it’s water, admits that she has always called her children horrible names, even when they were little she called her daughter a demon child and has always said that her son is as dumb as a bag of rocks. She brags about manipulating men into doing her favors, laughed about being too engrossed in her phone to notice her own boyfriend almost drowned while trying to rescue her mother in a kayaking incident, and gets blackout drunk frequently, but I know it’s all he ever knew before me. 😢
Hi, just a passerby here. I don't think I'm ever in the position to comment on another person's life. Allow me to give my limited knowledge of one kind of a 3rd party pov (outsider have detached emotions so it may be clearer to see what's going on, from a different perspective from your current 'narrative + emotions' aka tinted lens) : -i want you to know, no matter your bckgrd and your past, your past traumas, wounds etc.."You, my dear, are Whole and Complete!" While this future partner you dedicate so much time and effort felt like a lost cause. It may be a sign. He wasn't ready. He may not be the one suitable. Not yet. Not at his current growth stage. Also, some people are truly meant to be friends and not partners. -By giving your time, energy, and dedicating your attention to tend to this guy... also gradually growing affection for him. Receiving mutual sparks... "sometimes that 'chemistry', is a false illusion. may be a subconscious misconception of something in us.. a mirror reflection of what may be oblivious to us, when some inner beliefs or bias are not cleared" -(There's a carl jung concept of anima or animus in psychology. Who we are attract to based on our past bckgrd etc.. is the part we lack. until we dive deep by 1stly notice and being aware of it....later taking steps to address it. If not cycle goes on. We subconsciously attract at a frequency lvl what we have not yet cleared in ourselves. Eg. You may or may not, at the next person, meet similar trait subtle patterns after the surface level of trait stuff is peeled off) -I do not know what is your personal love language, or how you talk to yourself. I wish you well. maybe you can find a therapist and some book titles to explore with your an inner Part of yourself. (Until you discover your inner most neglected needs that needs loving, tender care. If not the longer it goes on and you get more Emotionally Drained Than Ever before!) -(some people have the 'rescue other people' subtle traits due to unresolved trauma parts of self and in terms neglect part of themselves) -I believe there is a part of you, commenting here that you want some form of respite, to perhaps feel the connection. With others in the same plight. I hope you find a positive support group online or offline that can listen empathetically or hold space for you, and may you be able to find your way back home. to yourself. -everyone have their own timeline on the maturity path. -pls tend to the part of you, that wants and yearns for your attention. The hurt and upset etc these Emotions are there for a reason. If you explore more into what they truly meant deep within.. behind the never ending negative begets more negative cycle of heartbroken narrative loop... on the equal end spectrum, something else arises...there's a part of you that you have not explored yet. The meaning behind the misty frosty glass that begged to be wiped. -(maybe the Emotion Code book can help you. I'm not too sure what will aid you as I've not cleared my path yet but im staying hopeful of it all, inside the dim light. A spark can create more sparks like a fire starter!) there's many layers.. waiting for you to explore. -when you gradually clear more and more, you may look back and see your lens more clearly, what looks hazy last time, there's a sense of inner clarity. It comes with practise. It starts somewhere. - just providing my 2 cents here. I'm sorry for your hurt, it's ok to feel hurt, rejected. Please tend to your inner child. Sorry for the chunk! Just trying to explain it somehow. (-you can choose to tell him what she said But Please dont get suck into their drama. It will make you more miserable being in between them. Who knows if he may blame you or not. Humans are emotional creatures and unpredictable. You may think you know him but love makes us reckless and reactive at times. -The only thing within control is your inner dialog to yourself and reactivity twds them. Time won't heal wounds. Discovering and exploring what's behind those emotions will help you move fwd from the misery hole. Maybe The 'shadow self'. -Best is do nothing at all. Time will show her to him. If it helps please try to ask for time out from him until you feel better. Bcos talking to him now creates more longing and hurt or whatever more may escalate as we female are more feminine, sensitive creatures! And avoid looking at resource clip like this to justify the hurt aka negative stuff. It prolongs the pain and suffering. Face him perhaps when you feel ready and better.) May you find strength, hope, love in places, things, signs unseen! Sending all my love and support! xoxo!
@@SodaAvenue I really appreciate your encouragement. I’m touched by your words. Over the past few years I have done lots of meditation and for the last year I have used him as a mirror to see parts of my self that need healing. I have healed wounds I never knew I had. Since cutting him off two weeks ago, I am doing better than I expected. He has been in therapy for more than a year now but he still has far to go. Yesterday he sent me a funny meme, and I struggled not to respond but I managed to ignore it. He would have to produce significant evidence of real change, through his actions, not just words, before I would let him back into my life. In the meantime, I am already feeling stronger, still doing shadow work, with Positive Affirmations, RTT hypnotherapy, Ho’Oponopono Chanting, Guided Meditations, EFT Tapping, and Sleep Subliminals. Thank you for your supportive advice and kindness. ♥️
I had emotional unavailable parents and a nightmare of physical abuse as well-so of course I became hyper- independent and can’t tolerate anyone who might not be up to my high moral standards- even if I have not held myself to other people’s. Self deprecating Good Two Shoes cannot relax or even sleep.
Oh gosh, this is totally me. I'm working on the perfectionism, left my abusive husband, but I just can't seem to stop the hyper vigilance or take a compliment 😑 do you offer any tips for recovery?
@@peaceofmindofpeace1650 thank you, I'll try that. I've been reading about new brain pathways, so this would be a way to change my thought pattern, thank you
@@the.toxic.phoenix Yw yes I'm also learning new things and more aware than ever how my brains have developed habits out of protectionisme to survive. I have suffered from emotional manipulation / mind games ( hot and cold, silence treatment) so I understand your vigilance. It helps me to think: regardless of their motives, it doesn't say anything about my worth but all about their integrity. Rationally we often know how things are but to feel it...😊 glad you are away from the abusive vibes and free to live happy and heal day by day 🩵
if you have access to medical cannabis, i would talk to a qualified doctor about using it for hypervigilance/cptsd. if you are a candidate for it can really help. if it's dosed right, it's like you observe tense situations with a content detachment and little to no stress. on the other hand, if you take too much you can get even more anxious. it helps to have a cbd/cbg blend product on hand to bring you down if you take too much. good luck!
I’m 61 yrs old and still crave my mother’s attention. When I told her she looked at me blankly like she didn’t know what to do. Then a he apologized and said she wasn’t a good mom. I felt sorry for her because she wasn’t totally bad. She satisfied every physical need of mine and I know she loves me a lot. But I wish I would have gotten some emotional attention, interaction, conversation, sharing… anything like that. It has left a huge void inside of me.
Ooooof the very first one example is me. My father would change moods quickly and now I read every tone and word of my partner and push and push to find out what's wrong. But I'm also extremely self conscious of my partner noticing anything that he may not agree to or has criticized in the past... so the tone changes make me question everything
I did all that. My healing journey started 20 years ago and I have come to a pretty good point right now. I confronted both of them. My mom apologised and chagned her behavior 180 degrees so we have a good relationship now. My father denied everything, so I cut all ties with him. We all make choices in life and I chose me.
I have literally sobbed when I received compliments as a kid and even in my teens. Because I couldn’t figure out why my mom couldn’t see what others saw in me. Even now I just think ppl Are just being nice and I don’t deserve the compliment
This is all so true. If someone says I love you, I don't believe it. They were only words that didn't match actions. I constantly think about what could go wrong and how I can avoid/mitigate damage.
I believe this needs to change once and for all! irrespective of how your parents have been with you... you have it in your hand to do better, to be better and it starts with yourself.Choose good!
The last one hits home. I was in love with this girl, and when she liked me back, I was disgusted because I thought “who would like a disgusting person like myself?” Thanks mom and dad
I have an emotionally unavailable family except for my sister who I'm honestly protecting with my whole life rn I hope she stays kind That's all I can hope for
This is exactly ME! I am the product of emotionally unavailable parents.😑 Being aware of these traits (and the causes), is half the battle. I can work on recognizing these traits when they arise and correct them by thinking differently…giving myself the space to be imperfect, and space to be loved.
