Enneagram: Subtypes of Type 4 

6:12 self preservation four 25:00 social four 44:15 sexual four

“I’m not going to burden you with my pain, but tell me about your pain.” You just called me out so hard lol.

The SP made me laugh and cry. After 7 years together i told my partner 'if i was to release all my pain and show the world the real me, i would no longer be recognizable as a human'.

What i really enjoy about you is that, you can say the harsher things, and for once in my life, knowing you actually say it with care and caution, makes me not get offended. Personally that is THEE perfect person to narrate and make such videos. I’ve seen other youtubers who tell the harsher truths with this sort of disdain or ‘get over it’ vibe, you definitely said your harsher truths about 4’s with absolute sensitivity and willingness to be corrected or given more info. What can i say, i repeat, you are the most perfect person, to tell others who it is.

I was having a REALLY hard time figuring out if I was a 9 or a 4, because I'm not at all internally detached the way nines are. I think being a self-preservation 4 explains a LOT of my 9 traits.

Me before the video: " I keep getting 4 in the test but I don't FEEL like a 4..." *Self Preservation Four shows* Me: "Oh, shiiiiiiiit."

I am a self persevere 4. My tears outflow when I finally hear someone in the world try to make an understanding speech of myself, my sacrifice to the good of other people by suppressing my pain. Thank you for identifying the on-going hard work on ”suffer in silence”. Truly appreciate your compassion heart to us.

When you said "You are a person of worth and value and you don't have to do a thing for us to know that." it literally brought me to tears. Affirmation means so much to me as a 4, so thank you, for seeing us and loving us for who we are. I know we can be very difficult people but I think we have the biggest hearts in all the enneagram.

As someone who definitely has a strong tendency to be a sexual four, I was initially thrown by the characterization that we are competitive because I think of myself as someone who doesn't like and actively avoids competition... but now I'm realizing that's probably because I am so sensitive to any competition or comparison I allow myself to engage in. For example, for the most part (esp. in high school) this angry competitiveness/anger against an "unjust" system really comes/came out in philosophical debates. Very interesting.

I might have just cried so hard when you said, "thank you for your sacrifice." I don't think anyone could ever know.... I'm definitely a self-preservation 4. I have never had someone understand me in the way you have described. It's hard shit being this type!!

"suffering in silence". Wow, I didn't know my subtype before this, but this Self-Preservation description is reeeally hitting me. It's not that I suppress my feelings from myself -- I sob in my car regularly -- but I'm constantly hypervigilantly looking out my window, worried someone's noticing and upset or concerned. Worried I'm "alienating people", as you said. Also I literally joined the Peace Corps lol, and I love "challenging myself" to see how much I can "handle", taking myself on melancholy lonely solo adventures around the world to really "be in my feelings and prove I can do hard things". And oh my god, I relate SO MUCH to Elsa in Frozen. My SP 4-ness makes me want to find a castle far far away, like she did, so I don't burden anyone with myself, and I have peace and quiet to just feel my feelings in silence. Damn.

Social 4: i think they also have a deep need to be completely honest and authentic with themselves and the world- which is why they show up without hiding the negative emotions. I’m a self preserving 4 who has struggled to feel like I fit into the 4 paradigm- and you totally spoke to myself.

I noticed that you gave examples of how people can't handle certain aspects of both the sexual and the social 4s, but you didn't give an example for something people can't stand about the self preservation 4s. As I watch your video (which is very good), and read about the subtypes of 4s in various articles, I see the pattern of the self-preservation 4s getting the "most healthy" treatment of the three sub types, although it's not usually explicitly stated. As a self-preservation 4w5, I find that most of my issues are internal because I keep things in. Many difficulties arise because of this, but from my experience because of the internal side of it all, I get so self-focused that I end up not being like a real human, like my true self. Something I've recently learned and am beginning to practice is the letting-off of those burdens that come with long-suffering. It is not my purpose to shoulder those things, and when I let go and rest, I find that I become more at ease and am living as the person I know I truly am. There's more to this that I'm discovering, but I'll stop here.

I'm a social 4 too when I can't suppress no more and than I isolate and come back as a self-preservation 4. I also feel like if no one noticed me suppressing and like you said need attention or validation I will express my sensitivity.

"you are Elsa!" My daughter lol-ed hearing you say this about me!

Jesus christ the sexual four is spot on for me. I'm insanely competitive and feel like sometimes I want to destroy everyone in my path. The underlying narrative is "they'll understand or recognize me when I'm on the top". Which also means that I have to prove my worth to anyone who has rejected me and have to show through my accomplishments. Damn..

I love how fluid the enneagram is. As a child, teen, and young adult, I was primarily a self preservation 4. Now, as a tired 30-year-old whose worldview has changed massively since my youth, I have become primarily a social 4. But as I look back, I see brief phases of sexual 4 peppered here and there throughout my life.

To help 4 people out there stuck in the 'sexual' subtype, I'd say that it could be helpful to project your anger not onto people, but onto the root causes of behaviors that hurt you, for this is completely valid to feel hurt by some behaviors. So, by using the investigating part of your intelligence (we are curious and creative enough to do that) I'm sure this projected intention can make some of the most efficient activists

This is so accurate ! "SP 4s can be mistaken for 3 for their drive or for 7 because they look joyful", I had never heard that from anyone else, and it is so true ! Thank you ! Your tons of notes are really useful (I also like the way you make fun of yourself with them. A sunny 4 could have definitely done that).

You made me cry. Guess I’m a self preserving 4w5. Thank you for seeing us and being so kind. I think I’m starting to understand.

Mr Darcy from pride and prejudice is for sure a self pres 4.

"Thank you for your sacrifice. I see you" ... the tears I was suppressing through the whole SP description couldn't be held back with that one. So much gratitude for this and the work you're doing! Thank you!!! Also I cried so much during Frozen and even more Frozen 2 haha! I knew Elsa had to be a 4! The lyrics from Show Yourself ..."YOU are the one you've been waiting for all your life." If I ever need to cry and pull back into my own emotions ... that song does it, lol!

for any of us with ignored childhood trauma, the shame of the pain is lifelong partly because we are always reminded our suffering doesn’t matter - if you don’t matter when you suffer, you don’t matter. Probably that is triggered thinking but for me I’ve never found it to be untrue.

Only recently getting into the more detailed aspects of the Enneagram. Your videos have helped more than any other resource. I seem to fit into the self-preservation 4. I was a bit surprised when you said “don’t tell them they can’t do something because that will motivate them to do it.” My mother once told me that I was gaining weight, and couldn’t run a 10 minute mile anymore. Consequently, I immediately got up and ran a 5k much faster than my body could handle, and collapsed from hypoglycemia shortly thereafter. Still one of my proudest moments.

I have social 4 characteristics in my tritype. The characteristics that describe the social 4 have been prominent in me ever since I was 13 (in my late 20s now). Hearing it all said back to me is incredibly accurate. Before I was at that age, I felt like a normal kid, but I had a dysfunctional family due to parents that didn't get along with each other and stressed each other out which in turn indirectly took their frustrations out on me and caused myself to have multiple breakdowns in secret. Apparently I was a very sensitive kid, so every time something happened (getting yelled at harshly, being made to feel inferior/incompetent, having my words fall on deaf ears/neglected, etc.) I couldn't help but cry of course. Add to that a lot of pressure to stay on top of school with perfect grades -> my self-esteem crumbled more and more every day. The most triggering moment was when my step-dad observed my introverted, quiet, and reserved nature (as I'm actually a sexual 5) to mean that there was something wrong with me, that I was in depression because I spent time in my room a lot. When he told me that, I felt confused and it had me questioning my own mental state indefinitely since. I think from that moment on, along with the repeated emotional breakdowns, I felt that there was something wrong with me. I asked myself questions like "Why can't I just not cry like other people? Why do I feel like this? I can perfectly understand everything that happens with my logical thinking, but the tears won't stop and I can't get rid of these feelings that I will never be good enough as a human being. I'm not strong like everyone else and can't seem to suck it up." Of course, these thoughts were always kept hidden from everyone I knew due to the feeling of shame. I hardly ever saw anyone close to me crying in the open, so I thought that it was shameful to display these strong negative emotions. Anyway, these thoughts and feelings weighed too heavily on me so eventually I did fall into depression. I just wish that my step-dad, as a non-professional, hadn't tried to diagnose or even suggest to me the idea of depression as a young kid that was just starting to go through puberty hormones and hadn't been exposed to enough experience to conclude anything for myself at that age. If that hadn't happened, I think I would have had more hope in me in overcoming the bad times and not letting them stew in my mind like there is something inherently wrong with me that I couldn't change and make better (I subconsciously believed that me keeping to myself a lot as an introverted person meant that I was permanently in a bad mental space, not so much because of other things that were actually happening to me). As a sexual 5, I could only trust one person (that I would search for) at a time to be my true self around, but with the social 4 characteristics, it would sometimes be hard for me to hold back the suffering I feel when talking to that person. I try not to overwhelm these people with my negative emotions because they are/were important to me. I'm currently with a self-pres 2 right now who is incredibly supportive and non-judgmental, who also has a good, level head on him as well as goes beyond to meet my needs. I'm very grateful to him for never making me feel bad about myself and frequently reminding me of the good qualities that I possess which helps me feel more balanced and functional.

I think I might be a social 4. However, a lot of the things you describe sounds kind of like how an unhealthy social 4 would act. I have definitely done those things in the past, but I'm different when I have a healthy mindset. I'm not afraid of taking action and responsibility in my life, and I am not too fond of showing everyone my emotions. However, in my few intimate relationships I share my feelings more.

When you compared Elsa to the self preservation four I knew for sure that was me 😂 but honestly- I kept going between a four and a nine, feeling mostly like a four, except for that I have this great passion for helping people, and the psychology of the mind is fascinating to me. My husband often comments on how I listen to “murder shows” (missing persons podcasts mostly) and how it confuses him so much because I’m such a happy, goofy, soft person. I couldn’t explain it to him. But when you mentioned that need to focus on a pain that’s not your own, and to serve others in order to take away that pain- that explains so much about my personality. Also- when you mentioned comparison and envy with a four. I didn’t realize that wasn’t something everyone did. I had to pause the video to ask my husband (I believe an 8) if he experiences that. I honestly thought everyone was constantly comparing themselves in their heads. Envy and jealousy were the biggest things I have had to work on in my life. I have a pretty good handle on it all now. But I can see where that possibly comes from leaning into caring for others. As an empath, this has always been a big part of my life. As a new mother, I have been happier than ever before. Possibly because she brings me worth. She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and I’m her favorite person in the world. It’s almost intoxicating knowing I am so loved. Anyways- you just gained a new subscriber. Wonderful content. Wonderful heart. I felt like you were speaking directly to me.

Since I have a hard time figuring out if I’m a 4 or a 9, I know that I really resonate with the self preservation 4. Enduring. And enduring for the world. This definitely lets me know that I’m a four.

Thank you so much , I truly appreciate your hard work and the amount of effort, energy , and passion you put in these videos , especially the ones about four. I relate so much to the self preservation 4 . I become expressive when the burden is too much , I find so much healing in there but still I minimize my pain and always feel guilty to make it a big deal , I compare it to pain in the world and I feel ashamed then shut down again. I test people a lot , people fail me when I do that , they are used to me being tough and strong and listening to them so whenever I let out a little of my consent inner drama I get “ what's wrong ? What's the big deal ?” , they go silent , or withdraw , or angry . I hate drama , I always keep everything to myself but even in these moments I don't get the compassion . That's when I withdraw , and feel more like I am not worthy . But it's also about choosing the right people , luckily I have one friend that I can turn in to when I am struggling , I love her so much . She helped trust people again , she helped me feel seen, valued for the first time in my life .

Wow! Thank you so much for this explanation!!! I’m a self-preservation 4 that behaves a lot like 1 and 7. For the longest time I wasn’t sure if I were a real 4. This fits perfectly. The stoic appearance in situation of crisis, endurance for pain, not dwelling on negatives, trying to keep upbeat, distracting self with not wanting to burden others with my own pain! Having too much empathy and taking responsibility! Being attuned to others emotions and the environment. Alleviating pain of others. Fighting for other people. Earning admiration is a big theme too! Suffering in silence! I’m speechless.

Omg, 4 SO here. No wonder I relate to 6 sometimes cuz I feel like I'm testing my friendships similar to how a 6 tests their friendships to see if they are truly loyal. And I never knew that 4 SO is considered by others to sometimes look like a type 6. That explains so much. I thought maybe it was a "tritype" thing, like I thought maybe 6 is part of my tritype. EDIT: ....For anyone who is NOT a type 4, I want to clarify something: Yes I might expect or need more support than the average person, but I would never expect or ask for something that I wasn't willing to give just as much (if not MORE) of it in return back to the person. So, for example, if I expect/want/need "support" it means I will give YOU just AS MUCH support back, IF NOT MORE, if you ever need/want it. I would never ask for something that I'm not READILY willing to give back to you or others!! I would always return the favor!! because that's just how a 2-way street friendship works, IMHO. :)

I think I'll write more later, because this video is just SO inspiring, and I have so much to say about it, but one thing I wanna say right away, as a self-preservative four: I also have always wanted my pain to be seen, especially as a child. Of course I would hide it, and show it only when I was "alone in my room", or simply away from other, but at the same time all I wanted was for someone to notice I wasn't there anymore, to come looking for me, to see my pain despite the fact that I was hiding it not to burden them. I wanted someone to see me for what I was and love me despite it, and BECAUSE of it. I think that's always been my deepest desire (while the deepest fear was that if I ever were to show someone what I had inside, all of my feeling, all of my needs, they would instantly walk away from me). Again, therapy helps.

I’m a self preservation 4, and this was all so spot on, I was almost crying. Thank you

Thinking of the Self-Preservation 4, a character that fits the description might be Elinor Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility. Her sister Marianne is so demonstrative of all her emotions, but Elinor is true to the charge to keep her sorrows hidden and exclaims, “What do you know of my heart? What do you know of anything but your own suffering. For weeks, Marianne, I've had this pressing on me without being at liberty to speak of it to a single creature. It was forced on me by the very person whose prior claims ruined all my hope. I have endured her exultations again and again whilst knowing myself to be divided from Edward forever. Believe me, Marianne, had I not been bound to silence I could have provided proof enough of a broken heart, even for you.” Then Elinor goes and comforts Marianne. Finally at the end of the movie, such a fantastic scene when her emotions escape and she cannot do anything to hold them back.

Thank you Tom, I'm a self preservation four and I really broke down when you said thank you for your sacrifice and that we're suffering in silence. I have the type four childhood wound. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. My dad very rarely made an appearance. He was an alcoholic and drug addict as was my mom. My mom was usually high and out of it. I was the caregiver for my brother and I from a young age. I never had space to be me or to be heard. I was also in foster care from 8-10 and 12-18. Very neglected growing up. Even in the foster homes; you were physically looked after, but emotionally neglected. I felt incredibly isolated. Even sexually abused due to my mom's bad judgments and carelessness. I didn't have a real friend till high school because we were constantly moving around. Finally settled in my teens in my last foster home and opened up a bit. I'm in a much better place, but I just endured because no one wanted to give me space to feel. One particular time I remember being told not to feel was when I was in foster care and having visits with my mom once a week for just an hour. I would cry when I left the visits and my foster mom told me if I kept crying after the visits they would have to stop taking me. They didn't want to deal with my emotions.

I feel like ive bounced around all these different subtypes throughout my life. I feel like growing up I was more as a sexual four, then into adulthood adopted self preservation four, now I am definitely at a place of being a social four. And again, althroughout life I can look back noticed a bouncing in and out of each of these at times! Pretty crazy. I am wondering why it's called a sexual four though? Haha

Definitely match the self-preservation profile, and I would add 9 to the list of types that we can look like. I think Remus Lupin seems like a self-preservation 4. The isolation, like Elsa, the secret sacrifice, and the compassion for other people's pain.

Self preservative four felt so much like myself. I have always had a very happy go lucky outer persona and inside I would feel like a hurricane. I feel the best when I can connect with other people’s pain and try to help them in ways I could never help myself. You did a wonderful job of explaining self preservative type that I felt so understood even way more than I could understand myself.

I’m a sexual 4w3. The way you described the anger of this type is spot on. My anger usually manifests itself in how I feel about not being understood. I get so angry at people for not automatically getting what I mean and why I do what I do. Then once I think they’re catching on I get annoyed because I don’t want them to think they can assume I will act a certain way. So I pull away and reject them. As to say, “You didn’t know me before and you don’t get to now!” Now obviously this is when I’m not very healthy. When I’m healthy I’m calm, empathetic and open with people. We gotta remember this system is fluid

SP-4, literally was crying because you defined me perfectly, in a way i couldn’t yet comprehend, thank you.

Self-Pres 4.. When he looked dead into the camera and thanked the people for suffering in silence. There are few moments I have ever felt so seen and understood. I cried

I always know that I have hit upon the type that describes me when all of a sudden I get emotional. When you mentioned that self preservationists are humanitarian, they suffer in silence, and you just want to give them a hug, and to say thank you for their self sacrifice, I almost burst into tears, in fact I did tear up. So, that confirmed to me that I am definitely the self preservationist subtype of 4 (4w5 to be exact). The same thing happened when I was reading about the different types on the Enneagram Institute’s website. I was trying to figure out whether or not I was a 4. And then I read about how fours feel misunderstood, and have never felt like they fit in, and that really resonated with me. The clincher was when I read, “While it is true that Fours often feel different from others, they do not really want to be alone. They may feel socially awkward or self-conscious, but they deeply wish to connect with people who understand them and their feelings. The “romantics” of the Enneagram, they long for someone to come into their lives and appreciate the secret self that they have privately nurtured and hidden from the world.” Again, I almost burst into tears. That sealed the deal for me!

I'm a sexual 4w3, "this is the angriest type of all"! Oh shit, that's me. Always angry, not afraid of confrontations and yet very sensitive and emotional on the inside. I wonder if we are the most misunderstood and mistyped people too? Only yesterday a very experienced enneagram teacher thought that I must be an 8. Well, I'm not. It feels hard being myself and being a person other people don't want to be around. But I DO NOT want crush other people. I want to win and feel equal and feel often even superior to others but then come crushing down for being unemployed though I have a Master's degree, single though wanting a partner, lonely though wanting friends. And I have a hard time being compassionate with myself. Be kind to us! We don't know how to exist in this world with all this pain and not feeling adequate and worthy of love...

I disagree with the 4 So not taking action/responsibility, etc. I'm all about taking personal responsibility and I take plenty of action. I take action and initiate actions all the time. Also, I'm just as openly expressive of my happiness, excitement, enthusiasm and other positive emotions as I am my sadness and negative emotions. You said in the video that we express "more so" the sad emotions, but I'm an emotional rainbow!! Haha! Good or bad, positive or negative, I express it all!! I make it just as obvious to people when I'm happy and bubbly as I do when I'm sad or angry or any other emotion.

I have honestly never felt so seen, thank you, really. It’s really hard to hear some of those things, but it’s also amazing. I’m definitely a self preservation on my good days and a social on my bad days. I want to look bubbly and positive so people will like me and I keep all the negativity in so to not bother others, but I secretly wish them to notice and acknowledge me, and I feel more and more worthless if nobody does, like it means they don’t care enough to notice, until it eventually comes out in a crying outburst. It felt like a blow to my soul when you said social 4s subconsciously test their loved ones, to make sure they will love them no matter what, ‘cause deep down they know they won’t and they will eventually get tired of their bullshit. That hurt, because it’s so true. I guess knowing and understanding the workings of the cycle is the first step towards growth, so that’s something at least. Thank you for helping me understand myself a little bit better.

I’ve never felt more seen. Thank you. This was a pivotal point in my life, watching this. God bless you for allowing Truth to teach through you.

I've been every one of the subtypes at some point in time. I've been more of a social 4 most of the time (I think), from what you have described. I go from being a social 4, then the sexual 4 for a split second because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to and I'm anger with myself. When I'm in that mood, if someone tries to interact with me the anger shows it's directed towards myself but comes out like I'm angry them, unintentionally. The anger goes away once I realise (immediately) how I've behaved then I apologize profusely and I become the self preservation 4, suppress and hiding all the emotions and outwardly might look like I'm in control, trying to ignore all that's going on inside. And the cycle goes on over and over again. That was before I saw the pattern in my behaviour. Now I tend to be more in the self preservation 4 stage but still struggle with "I'll fail even if I try" part of social 4 and the two stages - social and angry, are quite short, the angry 4 has always been the shortest stage but the most damaging too if the other person doesn't know me well enough. Is there anything you can advise that I can do to improve on staying more stable and productive without being too emotional ? Thank you so much for the videos I'm learning more about myself each day and this makes it easier for me to put my internal turmoil into words. :) Sorry about the long comment 😅 God bless you!

Your investments, projections, & data from, for & about this Enneagram Four in these three composites is a most worthy contribution. I have had the fortune to know such Comrades from a consistent distance for some 48 years. Your presentation really clears the view as to the dimensions of behavior factored down to its prime number. I much better understand why & how the four Leopards I have acquired, have forever maintained the internal fit of the, 1, 2 & 3 hats they wear like a badge of courage toying with self-doubt and behavior mentioned all these years. The '#4 Leapord', 'Individualist' has proven to be 'ONE' that will not change his/her Spots! Nature & Nurture

very accurate about the social type, especially about the "testing" part. I find myself purposely displaying my drama to scare people away, which further proves my feeling of worthlessness.

I’m a 4, and again just like with the wings, I am not leaning towards any one of these strongly. I can see the sexual 4 in my younger self here and there, less and almost never now that I’m a mature 40 year old. I can see the social 4 and the self preserving 4 all throughout my life. I see myself becoming more of a self preservation 4 as I get older, as a matter of maturing. My passions: (painting, singing, playing instruments, dance, writing, gardening/plants, and my children, astrology, learning about people, learning foreign languages, etc., etc.,) that gets all my available attention these days. I’ve cut a lot out. Time is finite and it’s of the essence. I wasted a lot of time lost in emotionality in my less experienced years. Feeling like something was missing, tragically flawed, in lack, in longing, in sadness. And it was all so romantic. It felt so good it hurt. To be honest. I do think a 4 matures to the point where enough is enough. Yet still, never fully rid of the potential for the negative sides of the 4 to not pop up when under extreme stress. Let’s be real. I finally feel content and I suppose I am living like the healthy 1 on many many days. It took a lot of suffering that was often self inflicted a bit of course - For me to live my life now, by only focusing on and feeding what’s important. I’m practically allergic to spending my time and energy on the wrong things now! I’m too busy! And I’ve already lived a full life, fuller than most. I’ve seen things, I know things, so I’ve become a stoic 4, most of the time. My passions and my kids drive that. There were times, years, when I didn’t preserve myself, and that eventually lead me to self preservation as enough was enough and I learned the hard way. Basically I’m getting older, and just don’t have the innocence and energy for the down sides of the 4. Been there, done that.

I am an INFP 4w5 SO/SX - 469 tritype I definitely understand the shadow and demon functions with my cognitive functions, in regards to MBTI typing. Same goes for my need to voice my emotions, and I also feel much more shame and guilt when not feeling excepted, being a social variant. As for my sexual variant, I enjoy one-on-one and intimate relationships and connections, outside of group settings, being emotionally too intense sometimes, even when not angry. Aside from those traits, I am a high anxiety person all around. I am skeptical, sometimes paranoid, and my social anxiety makes it all the worse for a push-pull life circumstance. I know I'll struggle to find the "perfect spot" in life, where my financial, academic, and social life all "mesh" into my idealized world. I struggle with what appears to be lifelong ADD tendencies, although I am too independent and will struggle with this alone for what also seems to be forever.

I just love your communication style, humility, vulnerability, etc. I absolutely loved when you were like "I'm trying. I might not have said it perfectly, but give me some compassion." I just love that.

I've been having a hard time understanding what my subtype is and this video was so helpful. When you directly addressed self-pres. fours I couldn't hold the tears back. I'm so thankful for the enneagram and for all the other people who use it, it's so validating to be seen. Even if its through a screen from a stranger, it truly means the world to me. Thank you so much.

I took a test that said I was a 5w6 and recently learned that was a mistyped answer. After learning more about the enneagram I learned I am actually a 4w5. Your video hit all the missing pieces on the head. I am a self preservation 4w5.

This was spot on. I'm a 4w5 SP/SX. My SX side didn't like being called out and I'm going like "putting this hot take in my stupid zone" but then realizing that's clearly the 3 in me speaking. Now I'm going like whoops, bad take on my end, and silence is golden. The Elsa comparison I didn't see it until this explanation of SP and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I never felt this appreciated. Thank you so much for this video. Now I'm sounding like an SO. 😂 Insta-subbed!

The self-preservation 4w5 INFJ-A is definitely me. I was always mistyping as a 1 but it never felt like it fit me. I did not let my difficult early life to define me. Even though I have self-control, I do process my strong emotions and issues privately with God and key people in my life. Long ago, I decided I did not want to be a victim but to persevere. I took responsibility for myself and my own feelings. In doing that I then can help others in the right way. Boundaries is my life lesson. Thank you and God bless you Dr. Tom.

Am I a 4? Am I a 7? Am I a 4? Am I a 7? OOooooHhhhhhh! I'm a self-pres 4. Finally, this makes sense to me!

I'm a 4w5. Growing up in a toxic & abusive household I was definitely SP. But after leaving that environment I became SX. I don't know if it was due to the years invalidation & repressing my feelings but I had so much rage & I was determined to never end up in an abuse situation ever again. Unfortunately I became incredibly toxic. Thankfully after coming to Jesus, a lot of personal growth, intense therapy & the support of my incredible 8w7 SP husband I've moved into a much healthier space. For any SX 4 it's important to remember what our natural tendency is & what we're capable of all while balancing that with the important relationships in our lives. Sometimes we have to take a step back and evaluate our emotions and compare that to the facts of the situation. A 5 wing really helps with this.

Im new to this and just learned I'm a 4. Now watching this, when you described the self preservation 4, I got chills and teared up. It explains so much. Thank you for your research and work!

It was mad true and accurate when you said that us 4 SPs take on others pain and ignore ours. Like how we want others to depend on us, validate us by us supporting them. However, I'm also getting really burnt out and tired supporting, helping and listening to people who do not do the same to me. How they don't reciprocate the same respect I show them. It's getting really really exhausting tbh. I've been really hating this side of being happy by helping people out. It's like I'm not respecting and loving myself enough, and yet, I feel the need and want to always be there for someone when I can't even be there for myself. I'm tired of being supportive and caring. Being bold, courageous and confident is something I constantly want to be. I just wanna break free from people' pain and be detached from everything else. I want to be that. It's a tenacious cycle and I really wanna break free from it. Just everything. Ps. Im feeling moody now hahahaha

Amazing video! Thank you for all your hard work and deep diving. I’m a 4W3 who spends the majority of my time as a self-preservation subtype. You absolutely nailed the description. I can be a social subtype but almost exclusively when I’m with a select few in my inner circle. I’ve learned most people don’t want to deal with emotional baggage so I don’t like to express my negative emotions in public. I am rarely a sexual subtype but have been there in my younger days. Anger doesn’t wear well on me so I hate when I need to express it.

As a self-preservation 4, I show a sunny disposition in my daily life, but I'm lucky to have found an outlet for my emotional turmoil, anxiety and overthinking in poetry and art 😅

I suspect that I'm the sexual 4... When you said "it's exhausting" I cried... Thank you for the video!!

Oh my, I’m a social 4 😩. No wonder I get on my own nerves so much!

Tom, your video on " help for type 4" is brilliant. End of video re when a 4 is healthy is so clear. "Constructive living" the book - written by a 4 helped me go to healthy type 1 - action in the mundane world restored me back to sanity. You might look it up, Brill little book. Loving your work. Ireland.

The best presentation I have ever heard on enneagram's four. Your mixture of compassion and realism is simply melting. Thanks.

Depending on who I am around and the situation, I can see myself in all 3 subtypes. I try to stay in type subtype 1. However, under extreme stress, I can move into subtype 2. If I feel backed into a corner, I can definitely have some moments as that angry and vindictive subtype 3.

Dear Dr Tom, Thank you so much for saying that you appreciate my sacrifice. I am currently supporting two close friends, one of whom is dying of lung cancer and the other is going through cancer treatment, and I always do my best to stay strong and positive for them and never to burden them with my own pain around their suffering. As a young adopted child, my role was to alleviate both my parents suffering without being a burden on them - so yes I very much identify with this type of 4!

Thanks for another great video. I love how interested you are in really understanding everyone.....especially 4’s. Nice to feel understood and acknowledged and not judged. It was so great to find this new video here. I am often awake for a couple of hours during the night and instead of tossing and turning with anxiety I use this time to listen to videos. I am learning a lot more about the enneagram and gaining awareness about myself which is being reflected in my life and relationships. So good at this difficult time to feel connected with you through your understanding....this is what we all need to do with each other. I wish you and your family well. Take care Stay Well 🙂🙏

Wow what you had to say about the self preservation 4 is exactly how I have always felt. It’s amazing to hear someone speak that gets me down to my core. It’s like I’m actually being heard even though I’ve never said what is going on inside of me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I love your enneagram coaching so much! I've been praying for so long that the Lord would show me what is wrong with me, been to several therapists, and you come in with one video that explains all of my problems! (Its glaringly obvious that I'm a social 4, I highly suspect my mother to be a sexual 4) You really are doing Gods work. So thankful to you for it! Now time for the hard work of getting healthy. God bless you!

Omgoodness thank you!!!! I cried happy tears the whole time I listened. Big heavy sigh. Thank you. I’ve been told I was “too much” from a very young age and I began to keep alll of that to myself, not just sad melancholy behaviors but also as and adult being “too sexy” “too accomplished”. I hide behind a suppressed mask and it’s exhausting. People absolute me adore me when they don’t actually know me. Once they see my darkness, my depth, my vulnerability- either a real long lasting friendship is formed OR they get the heck out of dodge because they can’t handle it. Now I know, I’m not too much. I’m just me :)

I’m definitely self-preservation 4; my personal motto has long been ‘quietly suffer’ so this hit home hard. Thank you so much for the great content!

You nailed it. I've never felt so understood by another human 😭

Hmm... I see myself in all of these subtypes. I go through all of them every time something emotional happens to me. First I am the social 4 and feel there is something wrong with ME... Then I become the sexual 4 and get angry about feeling that way, and angry at whoever triggered those feelings, but then I stop... And swallow the anger AND sadness, and I become the sunny 4 where I put on my happy face in front of others (But I DO feel happy when I do that, so it's not fake really, I just ONLY show that side, which sometimes feels like a bit of a break from all the sadness)... I'm working on this stuff A LOT these days, and I feel that I'm on my way to becoming a somewhat healthy "Elsa", because I aknowledge all my different stages, my feelings, and I usually stop and think before I express any of it to others. I'm kind of always aware of what is healthy and unhealthy to me, and I want to be healthy and happy more than anything. I can talk about deep and/ or heavy stuff if people genuinely want to know, but I keep things to myself as much as I, as a 4, can! :P (I have a 2-sister, who's good at listening and supporting, so I'm not totally alone with everything)

When you said Elsa I cried. I have always resonated with her, also being autistic that song really hits me everytime

being positive and supportive with friends and then repost sad memes on twitter to show them how much pain you actually hold - self-preservation 4's daily routine 👌

I think part of the comfort of sadness, when that's a thing, mostly comes from it feeling so appropriate, like everything fits, you're getting what you deserve. More subconsciously, a monster of self-loathing get his daily bread. About familiarity, if that sounds really weird, you're probably not properly imagining what it would be like to have your baseline experience be sadness. When your emotions are getting away from you and you lose control, you try to get back to baseline, and all you have to do to get sad is stick yourself with a word-knife. And imo, a still sadness is more comfortable than chaotic turmoil, though obviously there's more growth opportunity in the chaos than stillness. Being motivated to summon sadness felt to me to like having instant access to privacy; and maybe there's little difference between "going there" and erecting my walls. It felt the same. -4sp, lots of "so" behavior as a teen/young adult

"You don't have 4 tattooed on your head!" I loveeeee thisss🤣 These videos are so dang helpful Its crazy...this whole time I thought I was a sx/sp..and now I know I am sp/so...mind blown🤯☺

Thank you for this description and parcelling out different subtypes of 4. I have known I was a four for over twenty years and kept retesting myself to see if by chance I was misinformed. I couldn’t quite see that I fit except for the massive desire to create and make meaningful art in all kinds of mediums. Now, after hearing your talk, I am totally and completely a Sunny Four. Here’s what has been so helpful to me over many years of working with the suffering and pain, both my own and the world’s...my healing is others’ healing. In other words, I am best able to help others if I am tending to my own suffering, working with my hands to transmorph the pain into something beautiful. Then I am able to be of service to others in their pain and not have it be an escape from my own. Knowing and daily believing that I am cherished by my Maker allows me to be freer to live , not for others to notice and approve, but for a sense of following the unique call on my life to transpose pain into beauty. Your description of this subtype has helped me more than any other readings about my personality type. Thank you!🙏

As a social subtype, there is something particularly broken about me. I am part of the 10℅ of the population with a psyche disorder, and I realize only recently it began a decade ago in my adolescence. I need to question my own judgment much of the time, but just observing my patterns is so helpful.

As long as there are so many superficial, shallow people in the world, us social 4s will be over here keeping it real and reminding the rest of the world that there are no bad emotions. We are the brave ones walking straight into the darkness to shine a little light and tell all the cowards what we’ve seen and felt of what’s real and beautiful. What they’re all missing in their sterilized lives staring at whitewashed walls.

This video is a breath of fresh air with all that is going on. Thank you so much for taking my mind to a happy place for awhile. God bless you and your family. ❤️

I’m a Sexual 4W3 this video has been very helpful and also you’re very good at this.

Thank you so much for your videos! I have never come across such a clear articulation of how I have always felt on the inside. I definitely relate with always feeling like there was something wrong with me ever since I was a small child. I’m a 4w5 and the self preservation bit really struck home with me. However I am also wondering if an eating disorder that I suffered with for most of my teen/adult life could be a manifestation of a social four. I feel like I subconsciously wanted my outside appearance to reflect how I felt on the inside: small, broken, frail, inadequate, weak. I wanted people to see my suffering but it was too difficult for me to express it in a more overt way. I appreciate the time and energy that you have put into these videos, they’ve been a great help.

Yes, many times during the day I'm telling exactly the same: "Oohh, that's four stuff... That's four stuff again! ...." And so on and so on... But healing and accepting myself is really precious process. Thank you for your patience to explain everything nicely. 🙏

The sexual four sounds great, coming from a self preservation four! (Do I sense some fellow four envy... 🤔?)

Im a self preservation four..and when you said thank you for your sacrifice. I broke down into tears and i cried because iv never been acknowledged before and i thought..he knows ! He knows !. Thank you, you helped me.

4w5 here and I'm predominantly the long suffering one and secondarily the social one. CORRECTION: I do not feel this low self-esteem you keep talking about. It's not low self-esteem it's awkwardness. I think other people are ridiculously unaware. And they're hard to be around.

It's amazing how much suffering is caused by one passion. Just place envy in a person's life, and it throws a huge wrench in plans and relationships. Extremes of emotions, feelings of rejection and degradation, all shaped by envy.

Jesus was a 4! John the Baptist was a 4. Mary Magdalene was a 4! Why isn't this being talked about? I hear A LOT of advise for the 4 to change. ALL 4's, please do not change!!! We have enough "Martha's " (#1's) to prepare the mundane meal. Jesus told Mary that she had chosen the better path by LISTENING to him! We have a very important purpose. It's not just to make deeply painful songs and poems. It's to be the voice crying in the wilderness. It's to try and wake people up to the horrors being committed and perpetrated against God's children! Who has eyes to see and ears to hear? #4's, that's who!!!!! It's time to come into your power #4's!!!! Focus your attention on a CAUSE!!!! Change the world by being a voice for the suffering and abused! Comfort the sick, help them bind their wounds!!!! I'm so saddened that this group (4's) has been misrepresented!

I recently took an Enneagram test and found out I was a four. The little summary it gave me was accurate to who I am. So i went searching a little deeper and found this video. The first two fours I can really relate to. I've taken the 16 personality tests before and I either get infp or infj. I never felt too sure that they really explain me well. Watching this video and taking the test has really helped me. I'm a mixture of both the first 2 subtypes. Although I dont project a happy exterior I do tend to shove my emotions deep down and instead focus more on other peoples problems. My exterior is more calm and laid back. I've often been told I give off a confident vibe but in reality I lack so much confidence. The other part of me wants to feel like my existence means something to someone so I talk down on myself a lot more sometimes. It's really unhealthy because it interferes with my relationships. And because of that I feel like no one is right for me. I find myself hoping from one relationship to another, trying to find that one person who fills the void. But anyway as selfish as this may sound I'm glad I found you to help me understand who I am. Thank you :)

I wish you'd explain each subtype in equal times. You focus on the first one so long and speed through the last in minutes because you run out of time. I have found that you did this with the 8 subtype as well. I feel disappointed i can't learn about the subtypes equally. You give great information, thus I'm left wanting more about the last subtype in each video. Thank you for your videos.

Dear Tom, thank you! Finally it all makes sense. 20 years the Enneagram is part of my life, but I never truly found my place in it. For years I thought I was a 2, helping others, being influenced by their opinion and acceptance ... 4 never made sense, because I am definitely never angry, never mean, never intriguing. But self preservation 4 hits the mark. My exact words some months ago: "My feeling are too much for others and if I let them out, they cannot live with that and will abandon me" - and yes, friends have done that in the past. "I am a burden to others, if I show my true self"... Thank you again. Keep going. Your way of explaining is greatly helpful. By the way. I am a pastor who loves helping families through the hard times of death and a funeral. Best part of my job and I am really good at it.

I always felt like an SP 4, but with my immediate family I feel more like a sexual 4. IM SO CONFUSED!!

I think I've been fully all of those subtypes as I was dealing with the deluge of emotions and treatment by others towards me, continuously. It's bringing back a lot of memories. I vaguely remembered I was a horrible person when I was younger and I was amazed I had any friends back then. But the reasons for the behaviour are wrong, for me anyway. My father enjoyed picking fights every day, he would put me down and mock me, every day, he was a troll and I was the only member of our family that stood up to him. I used to stick up for my mother as well, 'cause he'd do it to her as well. So I was trained to be argumentative and combative and defensive and fight for my rights. Then one day I decided to stop adding fuel to his arguments, a person can't have a one sided argument. So I stopped arguing with him and started to treat him like a piece of furniture. I did that for 2 years. Then finally my mother left him and I didn't speak to him for 9 years. I went through the rest of the time more aloof, with a shield, because other people were also doing the troll thing on me. So I didn't trust people for many years. If I show you my feelings, are you going to attack me for it? The shield wasn't because I'd figured out people couldn't handle my feelings, it's I didn't trust them with my vulnerabliity. Then I got therapy and did personal development and that's when I really got into trouble, confronting responsibility for a lot of things. I had to win because I was under attack. I wasn't going to be a victim, I thought, I was defending myself against attack. I did envy people, but I turned that into striving to have the same for myself. I don't like to want things I can't have, so I would bring my desires into reallity, now I don't need to be jealous, I've got it too. Now I'm in 5 after many years trying to connect with people and not being able to. I put a lot of effort into suppressing anger when I'm attacked or taken advantage of, or ignorred. Now I'm holding back my feelings to be more civil to people, to be more respectful. I aim to have win/win outcomes and I try to communicate assertively not passive aggressive or aggressive and it's an endless struggle, 'cause I can be triggered. I'm much calmer now, I only lash out when someone really over steps my boundaries. I sort of feel normal, closest to normal I've ever felt. I may not be connecting, but internally I feel good about what I've achieved with myself. I had a lot of trauma to unpack, a lot of betrayal and pain and negative life experiences to let go of.

(43:15 -As a Taylor Swift fan, I think most people who are into her music and the Enneagram agree she’s a 3w4, probably with a sx/sp variant).

wow, you really touched a nerve for me in a good way! I've been trying to understand my "four" ness and your sunny four description was so perfect - today talking to a friend I said my main - number one job is to "Endure" - that the world is do tough right now and we have to survive it and be able to take care without having to rely on anyone else and it will get better. I try to cope with all my emotions by sitting with them and reason through them. But the part about wanting to ask others about their problems and emotions was really how I cope! amazing.

The three types reminds me a bit of the Karpman Drama Triangle: self preservation 4 being the Rescuer, social 4 the Victim and sexual 4 the Persecutor. Someone in the comments asked about boundaries. You could draw a circle representing the fours internal world. There's an arrow coming in. It's the ability of the Four to be deeply empathic, but also the possibility to be overly empathic with others as to not feel their own suffering. There's an arrow swirling around inside. It's the fours ability to be deeply attuned to their own inner world, but also the possibility to get lost in endless selfpity. There's an arrow going out. It's the fours ability to act, to boldly use their intensity to do something about the suffering in the world, but also the possibility to become stuck in constant blaming and prosecuting others. Maybe the healthy four is aware of the good and the bad side of the three instincts and knows how to balance all three. So they are empathic to others, attuned to themselves and courageous enough to fight injustice .

I may be a social 4 that always had a drive to improve so I've come a long way from social anxiety to being able to talk with people. Sometimes I'm like a self preservation 4 but I think I started out as social and started keeping my feelings to myself since no one will ever care about my problems as much as I do. I started focusing on helping myself and I've really grown since then.