"If I show my real emotions and true self I will be rejected and humiliated.... and/or criticized" the reason why this view point is there for us 2s is because that is what has happened. At a young age for sure and later. I made choices specifically to avoid ridicule.. like promising myself that I wouldn't cry infront of anyone. Tears were mocked and shamed. I couldn't think of much worse than being teary infront of others when I was young. Which has been true in different ways as an adult as well.
Right even as an adult it seems like people just still don't respect our needs as we respect others so why even ask for the help KNOWING they won't help. Or the help comes with a whiplash of attitude, frustration, etc for the 1 time you asked for help compared to their 20 times.
@@planherwayto_fit Yes, and actually admitting to a need that is met with rejection-- and a simple invite that is turned down can be sooooo much more painful than just not asking. It can be done, but does take a lot of bravery for 2s and other types that want to be invited even though they will say no to things is just extremely painful for 2s.
13:01 to 14:32 made me cry. I'm a 2w1, these past few months have been rough for me, and hearing you say that you love me and don't want me to feel unlovable means more than you could possibly know. thank you
Finally! I have known I’m a 2, but never identify with the stereotypes of selfless service at all cost... the 2wing 3 you described toward the end of your video is 💯 me!! Thank you for nailing the mystery that is my life!
I am a 2 married to a 3. We definitely balance each other! My 3 hubs is very proud of his unique skill set at work. While I am endlessly helping and supporting others.
I have just found your channel and am absolutely blown away by how "on point" you are with your teachings. I am a 2 wing 1, and everything you share is me to a TEE, and when you talked about J.O.Y. I just about lost it. I taught that principle to all of my children as they were growing up, I have used it in several classes I teach at my church , I've written blogs about it, and it is definitely a standard I live my life by. I am learning so much about myself and am finally starting to understand why I feel such a weight of responsiblity to care for those around me. I look forward to watching more of your videos, learning more about me as well as my other family members!
This is super helpful, thank you! I’m a 7w8 married to an amazing 2 guy, and I’m trying to learn more about his inner workings because we are soooooo different!!!
Ugh Im an 8 and 2 drive me crazy, I feel manipulated and annoyed by what I think is unauthentic intentions. Thanks for this video, makes me understand them more
Just took the enneagram test and I am a 2w1. Thank you for making this video. Your explanation was as if you were reading a summary of my life. Keep this up bud you are probably helping more people than you realize.
Thank you so much for just being so kind and taking the time to share all of your isights with the community. I am a 2w3 and often times lose myself trying to service the people in my life that I love, trying to be the version of me that they want to see. My s.o. is a 7 and we're binging all of your videos to better understand each other and our needs so that we can continue to grow. For a long time I sat with all of these emotions and feelings that I felt about what I felt like I wasn't getting enough of from my s.o. and instead of sharing them with him, I would hold on to them out of the fear that revealing my wants and needs would result in rejection or a break-up. I never really thought about the fact that I was doing that until now. I appreciate you tremendously. I am excited to work on bettering myself and learning to put my own needs first and speaking up when there are things that are bothering me or that I need!
Whew. There's a lot in this. I'm an 8, raised by (I think) a 2w1, who married at (barely) 18, had me 2 years later, had another child the following year. I've been wrestling with how much 2 I have "in my head" when I really don't feel I've integrated to 2 to more than an average degree, the 2 I carry is often the darker parts, and there's no 2 in my tritype. There's a ton of conflict in how I feel this 2ness. When you describe all these things the 2 is thinking and feeling inside, I think "yeah that's what I believe too." But I think it's ... I grew up thinking that's what a good person looked like and believed, and feeling like I must be a bad person because I didn't feel any of that, and feeling tons of pressure (internal and external) to think and believe and behave that way. It's intense to understand the way older generations had fewer opportunities to work on themselves, and grow psychologically.
My husband is a 2 wing 1 although he is outgoing and extraverted. I wish more of the descriptions of 2’s were masculine. Sometimes it seems like 2 is a female enneagram number and of course it’s not. It’s been difficult to learn about traits he can relate with because of this. So thank you for your video. It was one of the best ones so far.
Dr. Tom LaHue Thanks! I appreciate your videos so much. I have learned about myself in ways more practical than the books I’ve read on enneagram (which have been quite a lot). Do you do any videos on which types go well together...or strengths and challenges with mixing types in relationships?
Hmmm....I feel like mine are nearly perfectly balanced. If I'm not comfortable around someone yet I'm a clear 2w1. Once I'm comfortable or if I'm around people I'm comfortable with I'm a 2w3.
hi, I'm new to enneagram. I indentified as a 2 but I'm still a little confused of my dominant wing. mainly because I tend to be very moralistic and critical (mostly to myself) like a 1, but I also value connections/relationships and is self conscious of my image like a 3. I can also be shy especially at meeting people for the first time, but I don't mind having the attention of the room or speaking out about something I'm passionate of. (sometimes I use this passion to have the attention of people) I don't know if this means that I have a balanced wing, or a 2w3 with a strong base personality. however, I do know that I strongly relate to a 2 about serving, loving and helping people. even before I learned about the enneagram, I feel as if I am destined to protect and nurture the people around me no matter where I go. (i'm sorry if it sounds cheesy and dramatic but it's true. hahaha)
Thank you Dr L, very useful, from a 2w3 ENFP. 2 high points 4 me #1, Intrinsic value, because we made in God’s image (and by Him, thus important to Him). #2 to balance on my other wing. So true I feel healthier when I do a job outside my w3 like dishwashing. Cooking np, can overdo that., look at me! Lol.
Good information! This is me, more of a 3 wing, sometimes 1. I do go to 4 when I am in good health. Also to 8 when I need to be more assertive about an issue. Thank you for sharing!
I was wincing the entire time for the first half of this video. The truth hurts- but is so important. Thank you for this video. For a long time I thought I was a 7 instead of a 2 because I thought people wanted me to be that way. Rewatching this video brought me back home. Thank you, Tom
Beautiful explanation! I'm a 2w1 & one way I have been working on transforming my "there are two kinds of people - those who love me/those who haven't met me" is to focus my effort on helping people love & accept themselves through some external activity such as art or learning something new. This helps me because I'm also working to love & accept myself. This then becomes a kind of co-creative "conversation" experience where we are both equals helping & inspiring each other to our highest potential -- whatever small progress this person makes in caring for themselves greatly nourishes my faith in myself to be able to do the same. This has also helped me with my pride & with cultivating more humility. Geez I just read this & I'm so 2w1 hahaha!!
PS. A mantra came to me once when I was observing a baby seagull flying in high winds & foraging for food: "Do not look upon them with concern but with admiration" By seeing the strength already in people instead of seeing them for their need, my service nourishes me & them & helps to mitigate the tendency towards codependency.
I'm not sure if I've ever mainly been a 2, but I used to struggle with believing that others would genuinely like me for who I was if I wasn't so focused on just pleasing others all the time. Now, pleasing others isn't about me trying to get love back, but it's more about playing a game where I look for positive traits in others for me to genuinely cherish and enjoy. It's about enjoying the experience in discovering and working with other people's worlds and talents. The more I've been looking for and finding the positive and beauty in everyone, the more confidence I've been gaining in believing that there are others out there like me who'd look for and would be able to find the beauty in my true self to cherish.
Thank you SO much! I was so at odds with my wing, you explained it soooo well. I've got a lot of both in me. Most people just give textbook explanations. I can totally see I am a 2 w3 now. Thank you again. :)
I see myself having segments of both wings, but maybe the “negative “ parts of the wings? Is this possible?? Thank you for these videos so helpful in my faith walk and my personal relationships.
I always get 2 but i wouldn't say I'm afraid of conflict. I typically approach things directly and have no issue with getting into debates or arguments with the people close to me. Can i still be a 2? Btw, fellow 2s.. i know to a lot of people on the outside 2s are these people that have to get it together and learn to appreciate themselves, people who are desperate for love/ acceptance but that's not entirely true. You can be proud of your twoness. You can give simply because you love to give...simply because you've been down before and remember how it felt when someone gave to you. you can focus on being a friend because Jesus focused on being a friend. You can still be strong and independent and be a Two. We aren't this type that "needs to get better."
I've also struggled with this! Many days, I've wondered if I'm a 2w3 or a 3w2. Here's the best way I've come to terms my type. What's more important to you: genuine success, or affirmation from others? When you don't do a great job, does having other people telling you you're still great calm you down? 2s are fundamentally motivated by the desire to be accepted and loved for the love they give. 3s are fundamentally driven to be valued for their success.
So I am caught between feeling like a two and feeling like a nine….. I think when I was little I was a two but somewhere along the way I was told that my emotional needs weren’t important and to just tend to others because focusing on yourself causes conflict and is selfish. I think with my family I have the mindset of a 9 where I just want everyone to get along and keep the peace but around others I just want to be helpful and care for them and what they want and need from me…
Maybe this is because I identify with a counter (self preservation) 2 the most, but the thing about needs.. see, I can sometimes not acknowledge or say my needs for sure, but I discovered as a child and as an adult that it is much more painful and hurtful to say my need and to have it ignored or rejected or down played or possibly promised, but then forgotten. It is less painful to not share a need to avoid rejection or ridicule then to acknowlege it. Of course, the more I don't say my own needs the harder they are to see even for myself. But the shame around the needs is less (for me) about feeling selfish, though that is in there, but more about avoiding the pain of rejection and consequent worthless feeling that vulnerability/being ignored would bring. I read some brain research that said when we feel rejected it registers in the part of our brain that also registers physical pain. So you step on a nail and *ouch* try to avoid that nail again. Feel rejected, ouch, avoid that next time. Of course, relying on ourselves to meet our own needs is good right? Some needs though are for people so that doesn't really work if the need is for connection. I do buy my own birthday presents now and don't expect much for special occasions, like I used to. I don't know if that is healthier or not, but realistic expectations are much better.
I think I do both, but I'm more 2w3. I like to be humerus, make people laugh, be charming, etc. I do like to help people as well, but it's not as strong.
Welp. After listening to this, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am a healthy two and lean more towards four. But also realized that I have a good balance between wing 1 and wing 3. A lot of it I didn’t like hearing because I didn’t realize theses things about myself. But overall this is good. This is accurate.
Just for the record, it isn't a matter of should, it is a matter of our DNA...doing what God created us to do...being who God created us to be...compelled is a great choice of words. Acting on that privilege to serve, accepting God's invitation...but not getting caught up in the should, ought, trap...that is not fun and not who God made us to be...
Hey this was amazing. I love how caring and kind you are with your abilities to offer some real sobering truths that can be challenging to swallow. I did the test before and it came up that I am 2 wing 1 yet I feel that I've fliped floped between both 1 and 3... What you mentioned that if we were to find balance between the two wings we would then become a 4? I don't understand what you mean.
I've just stumbled upon your channel and subscribed, here you have me learning from your interpretations of the Enneagram Types, thanks a lot for these videos. As a Type 5w6 I'm looking forward to your interpretation of differences between Types 5w4 and 5w6, although I already had a glimpse by watching one of your videos talking about Type 5. I'll stay tuned for more content!
Me thinking I'm a 9 or 5/6 but being a 2 really makes me feel attacked and I don't like it, mainly with my past relationships and me doing everything they wanted just so they wouldn't leave me and I also used to hate people just to cover up my fear of abandonment. But thankfully I have found a loving boyfriend and good friends to help me understand
I’m a 2W1 and I always thought that I put myself in a cage with me holding the key to my freedom but don’t do anything. Plus the Marines kinda enforced the 2W1 in me too.
I just LOVE your channel and your style - you have me (2) and my partner (9) laughing our heads off at ourselves and each other. When I have the funds I plan to do your certification course. Your info has helped me a LOT! THANK YOU SO MUCH - you are a legend, Gem
I’m an INFP and a number 2 w1 and a close second of 9w1! I’m extremely introspective and focus on or love to help others out of a desire to help them feel good or uplift them in some way and I pretty much never expect anything in return. I genuinely enjoy complimenting others as I personally love the feeling of brightening someone’s day even if it’s in the tiniest of ways. I have only been pushed to the point of losing it in anger on someone once or twice in my life and I’m in my 40s. I just really enjoy helping others feel good and want them to experience the best life possible, yet as I’ve gotten older, I am very aware if I feel someone is taking advantage of me and will make a conscious decision to put distance between us so as not to feel used. I’m not narcissistic in the least yet, I know my value and have at times felt hurt if others haven’t recognized it, though I don’t think I have really ever done anything with the intention of receiving some type of praise in return - actually, I will typically brush any off that I may receive. Exploring my interior world and spirituality are extremely important to me and I feel I have a lot of personal integrity and simply don’t like the way I feel if I have acted otherwise. I have definitely been working on removing the self imposed shoulds, woulds & coulds from my thoughts and vocabulary which does feel a bit freeing and rebellious in my own way. Sometimes I feel like I’m a contradiction because I believe I’m a wonderful person yet, I have basically struggled with my self worth and love-ability my entire life. Also, I feel as if I am searching for something though I can’t quite identify what exactly I’m searching for which can feel a bit haunting at times. Thank you for your informative description of the lovely 2s!
Thank you so much for yr work. I love using the Enneagram to better understand myself and those around me. Because of this video I think I have transitioned into a 2w3 when most of my life I’ve been a 2w1! 😮
My two wing one isn't overall Co dependent but I knew a two wing three that had problems with Co dependence. Would you say that 2w3 are often more likely to be Co dependant then the 2w1?
2w1 has more personal values, care a bit less about what people can think about him. But he is more intrusive and use manipulation more often in order to be loved (which, at the end, can lead him to be pushed away more often). 2w3 has a better capacity to choose and create healthy relationships, but he is more dependant about what people think about him, and repress his own needs even more. Anyway, when you are 2, you will have to struggle with affective dependance for sure. A 2 will somehow "feeds" on affection, so he will have a tendancy to become dependant to someone who will provides this need (even if this relationship is not healthy). 2 will be less dependant about affection by listening to her own feelings and by imposing respect of his own feelings to other people (which seems to be a crazy idea for a 2 at the begining of his transformation haha).
@@freefunk5342 yes I agree, at least the two wing one I had mentioning knowing is intrusive while someone I knew that I am positive is a 2w3 is less intrusive but more codependent.
Wow, 2w1... what an awesome explanation. Never have I understood them like this before. To me, they represent the ultimate “American worker.” Maybe even the typical minister’s wife!
I WAS rejected and divorced after 17 years of trying to get through to my wife. She accused me of being autistic, masking, being a covert narcissist, BPD - the works! I just wanted her to trust me, and she never did.
You read my mind about this video, finally got it totally- I am 2w1!!!! Strong personality too! Thanks from ENFJ too🙏🌸😇 I should edit that upsss- I am 8w7 social! After all , officially! Thought I am 2 but my core desire and fear , motivation….8! Sorry for confusion but good to know the truth.😊🫵💪
Wow. That hit me between the eyes. And I can also see how I’ve been developing according to your recommendation the last several years, slowly. Thanks for the chat!
I'm only halfway through the video but I already wanted to say that the type 2 is clearly me. I recently found out that I'm a type 2w3 but I wasn't sure about it but now after watching this video I know for sure that it's true. I'm an infp too so I didn't think that the type 2 actually fits me but apparently it does, quite funny since infps are a lot more shy I feel like.
These videos are so helpful. My (narc) mother often told me that I was selfish which caused me to believe that. I hate conflicts & try to avoid them, I think that mother was an 8.
I’m a 4, but my personality disordered parent pushed me pretty deeply into my 2 stress arrow as a young person with the same kind of rhetoric that your mother used. Hope you are living your best life and putting yourself first ❤️
