Hey Jodi, when you say that partners really want and promise each other to change to accomodate each other and they just can't and it's an inappropriate hope, what I hear is that if the needs are not met, they cannot be met becuase partners simply can't learn to provide each other what they need (especially autistic partners things like emotional connection). So i see these podcasts as just letting us not to feel alone and accepting the beak up we need to face and not giving hope that things can change IF we are already in a bad place, feeling exhausted due to the relationship turmnoil. You mentioned just couple of people who made it work which sounded that they are an exception and that the majority are the ones who find understanding and acceptance to the situation and move on with separation. In another podcast you also mentioned who you and your husband wanted to make it work and wouldn't give up and it got worse and worse and that you see that in your clients. My question is - why even bother to do anything if the fact that it doesn't work now and that supposedly people want to change but they can't means that a couple has to end it? If it's bad then it will get worse. But if it's good, people wouldn't even look into working on it since it's good. And those who had it bad and improved seemed to be just a few people out of so many you worked with? I am not looking for feeling to be not alone, I am looking for approprirate hope that me and my partner CAN learn to accomodate each other and change in ways that would work, but these conversations I heard gives me an impression that it is an inaprorpirate hope. IF my partner now is not fully available in emotional conversations, it is a red flag, it won't change, if my needs are now not met by clearly stating them, it will not be met etc. Basically that there is no hope. Do I understand it correctlY? I really want to get help that is why i listen to your podcasts but time and time again i feel lke you are realistic and you are telling us how unlilkely happy ending is IF it is not good now. Do I understand it correctly?
I just found your website, I'm married 32 years to a man with Asperger's. Just found out about 3 years ago, although I have more grace and understanding about him, it doesn't make it any easier. I like your approach to things, cause I was going to tell him and you have helped me with that. Thank you
I know it is easy to over determine what ails us by looking on the internet, but this talk resonated so strongly with me it was overwhelming. I had to stop what I was doing and sit for a while to let it sink in. Thank you for understanding and articulating what some of these challenges are. To know that others experience similar circumstances (often without any frame of reference or understanding from friends and family) is deeply deeply validating.
I'm so glad you got some validation and affirmation! It really is isolating when others have no idea what you're experiencing. You might consider joining the group that Mona and I co-host together with others similar to you. It's monthly on the 1st Wed at 12:30-2pm ET. To enroll, visit: jodicarlton.com/groups
For what it is worth, Im not a professional in the area, but Im autistic. I want to contribute with the idea of BURNOUT in autistic people. I didnt have relational issues, however I have experienced social burnout, which I was able to understand through the lens of Autism and that helped to navigate it with tools, understanding and grace for myself and patience. As I listened to your post, and thinking of the this husband that couldnt do it any more (being ND) made me think it could be possible that the challenges of the relationship reached a level of deep extreme burnout. That I understand well. You are completely depleted to carry on and need a long time and intentional work on it to get out of it, or you find yourself back there. If he didnt know he was in the Spectrum, it is likely he was burnout by LIFE plus the relational issues. We adults, of delayed diagnosis often are in burnout already and didnt know it, and for a while. I know this doesnt resolve or explain things, but as an autistic I wanted to strongly affirm this element which I believe is vital to consider. Thanks for your vulnerability, both of you!
Thank you for your sharing your thoughts on this! I 100% agree that burnout is very likely at various stages in a relationship. It is usually experienced by both partners, but in different ways and for different reasons. A neurodivergent partner is burned out by doing life, as you said, whereas a neurotypical partner is often burned out by overfunctioning to compensate and accommodate. It's so tough for everyone and it's why a lot of neurodiverse relationships don't make it, unfortunately.
Sorry for the delayed response. You are right that we didn't get that added to the description. Thanks for catching that! Here's the link to my podcast playlist where this series is located: ru-vid.com/group/PLSyXJdjUav7pSwpq7nmSdEQZMwiI3eqHR
