So, this was my email that was addressed during this podcast. My husband and I listened to this episode at separate times, but we are currently talking about what we both took from it. I introduced my husband to you guys through your platform years ago. He instantly admired your union, so he had a lot of respect listening to your take on our situation. Man…we so desperately needed this podcast, so I thank you guys from the bottom of my entire heart for choosing my email. We are in therapy separately, but we see the same therapist. We also have couples sessions every blue moon, but this was also very helpful getting an opinion from another couple who have somewhat gone through the same thing. It is also very refreshing to know that we are not alone. However, I wish we were alone because I don’t wish what we went through on anybody 😢. Much love to you guys ❤
Thank you so much for trusting us enough to write in. We do not take it lightly, and we are so grateful you both were able to take something away from this conversation. We're all navigating all the things, and we're so proud of you for the work you're putting in for a healthy marriage and healthy communication. Keep on keeping on! 🥰🤗
I LOVE this for so many reasons! First of all, I feel like Glen is taking such pleasure in twisting Yvette’s hair while having this conversation. I love that this is clearly a heavy thing for yall, but it’s just a convo rather than a contentious debate. **Maybe the contentious debates have already happened. LOL** I also love that y’all are talking as if thousands of people aren’t watching. It’s less presentational and just honest. Yes, there are cameras and mics and names aren’t being mentioned, but it still feels like yall are just at the house, doing hair and talking about something important in your marriage. I love this so much! I hope yall know how much this is blessing those of us who are watching.
“This is a 10k conversation” is a whole bar! Understanding that your partner has your best interest at heart and he/she figuring out a way to communicate that is sooo vital!
Just a note to say family doesn’t always have to be “us or them”. By the grace of God my husband integrated smoothly into our family system and it’s an extension not a competition. He calls them more than me! I also feel the same way about his mom and she calls me and talks to me to try to get him to do stuff 😅. I say this to say that there isn’t one right way to “leave & cleave”.
This conversation hit home for me in a different way because I was an 8 year old child who came into my aunt and uncle home after my mom passed, and I became a ward of the state. I grew up with verbal abuse, manipulation, and controlling people who were supposed to love me, and I was able to build walls up around me as a way to protect me mentally, emotionally, and physically. But then I became pregnant and brought my daughter up in this same environment, and I could never speak up for her. I could see it was affecting her worse than it affected me, so the only way I could protect her was to move out of the home. I am still learning how to stand up and protect my child and myself against my family.
Thank you Glenn, for showing some self-respect in the face of a challenging situation. Honestly saying you would opted out if you knew you’d come 2nd in the marriage shows you honor yourself as an image bearer.❤
I'm Glen, and my husband is Yvette. His family, primarily his mother are toxic and he's choosing them over me and our children. I'm starting to check out, pray for me...pray for us.
What's crazy is I feel like im learning the lesson, Yvette and the guy from the email are learning, pre-marriage and kids. I love how you guys call family a system and I've been coming to a much clearer understanding of what kinks are in my family of origin's system. There is a lot of good that my family has instilled, but there are also quite a few unhealthy habits that has turned our closeness into enmeshment. This episode was really good y'all.
“This is gonna upset all y’all mama’s boys…” and “This ain’t love is blind, it’s covenant.” lol yeah! 😂 this discussion was so insightful especially when you talked about allegiance and loyalty - that part answered the question at the top of the pod “why did it take so long?” Yvette it’s very helpful to hear you say “there was a point where I began to realize Glen wasn’t going anywhere.
I think this has to be my favorite episode thus far. Watching Glen do Yvette's hair was awesome. Many prayers to you both and your beautiful marriage ❤
YIKES! Glen wouldnt remarry our good sis had he known Yvettes priority to her family BUT sis was wrong for what she was doing. Im glad you guys are on the other side of that!! Its so much we dont fully realize about marriage until we're in the thick of it. We've known our families our whole lives & its very hard to break away but you got too
This is a deep episode. I want to cry. My whole life has been people pleasing. Never disrespecting adults that should have been there to support my growth as a young woman. Maturity appears at different levels for different people. I can't change the past hurts but for now on As the old saying goes... don't start none won't be none.... Glen is right " hold you hostage" is a syndrome a rude awakening for people who just hating on you... ❤ya'll
When those toxic and dysfunctional behaviors have always been part of the family dynamic, it's hard to recognize it as unhealthy. It takes someone healthy to put a spotlight on it. IMO
It is sad that when you don’t go along with the family of origins norms, traditions or behaviors YOU are the problem. It is time out for “thats just they way they are” we have to take accountability and make the effort to do and be better. Myself included. Thank you guys! Have an awesome rest of your week.
Between Yvette's soothing tone and watching Glen do Yvette's hair, I didn't stand a chance staying awake after I hit the couch. Rewatched, well mostly listened instead, and enjoyed the conversation. Definitely makes for a good premarital topic too. Thanks much 👍🏽.
As a fellow BIPOC person, I think that our families of origin tend to be tightknit and what some (western therapists) would claim even enmeshed. I find that usually the eldest child or daughter (or more “dependable” child would be closer/loyal to their family of origin. On the other hand though, I completely agree with the leave-and-cleave philosophy when you get married. And it is definitely hurtful if your partner doesn’t defend you when your in-laws disrespect or say hurtful things to you
I have a sister, 11 years older than me. But when she has epiphanies about our family she still allows me to go through it and learn the lesson. So when my husband points things out I double check with my sister 😂
Super helpful episode ! I believe my husband was intrigued by my love for family as well (dating at 15, now 28 and married with 2 kids) and we found our relationship in a similar situation, I immediately apologized while he was at work, just like she said, I didn’t get it until it was said differently by someone else. But anyways, I thank you guys for sharing, especially the things you don’t really want to share, it inspires black love to stay strong, and I hope that y’all’s continue to flourish ❤️
Excellent conversation. I struggle with my partners mother being negative and disrespectful. I’m starting to see the downfalls that come along living with someone, while not being married. I’m living and operating like a married woman without marriage. Praying hard that marriage finds me, or I feel more supported by my boyfriend.
You all have such good perspectives and help to normalize challenges in marriages because it is truly normal to have challenges. In the same breathe Glenn doing his wife's hair during the podcast may seem like a small thing but to me it shows the growth and how as a husband he prioritized her. Love this😍
I think it takes so long because they’re your family, your father. In my experience, we search for love from our loved ones especially your first loved ones that sometimes you do anything to appease and make them happy. You have that hope that things will change and you will finally receive the love you always wanted throughout your childhood. It takes a while to realize that. Or a big shift in perspective.
The comment that this is a way that impacts the whole "leave and cleave". Really hit home for me. My nucleus family is me and my spouse first. Even seeing our family as a backup system especially for supportive families. But the family should not be a crutch to my nucleus family. Great conversation guys❤❤❤❤
I, unfortunately, also have a narcissistic father that used and took advantage of me and I will say it is extremely hard to finally come to grips with who your father is. Naturally, you have an openness to your father, especially when he gives you a sense of purpose. However, narcissistic parents don’t have pure motives for their children. He sounds like the golden child tbh. Unfortunately, the husband will need to understand how they really are using you for their own gain to cover up their own insecurities and they will replace you in a hot second if they can’t control you. Personally, leaving that made me feel like a shell of a person and it took me a while to prepare for those empty feelings but God has stepped in. For me, I was always waiting for my father’s approval, affection and acceptance and the behavior the husband is exhibiting reminds me of that. It took me 16 years to finally come to grips with who my father is and how destructive he really is which is VERY hard to comprehend with their yo-young behavior. The husband is going to have to do a lot of therapy and praying to properly move on from this so it doesn’t persist in his family.
Yvette I understand how you don’t feel like it right now, bc it will shift your family dynamic and their expectations of you so you may feel like you may lose that . And if it’s not directly impacting you on the day to day I get that, however with the writer she was in those daily situations , so I think he would’ve had to address it sooner bc it was impacting her quality of life on a day to day basis
This type of behaviour is normal in a lot of families. (1) Husband needs to find another job...ASAP (2) From now on...too busy to talk on the phone..."gotta go have a lot to do". (3) Make your holidays meals personal, just with your own family. (Make your own new memories with your children in your home.) (4) Agree with husband giving wife an apology for allowing his family to disrespect his wife.
