"Fatherless Daughters Tend to Date Motherless Sons" | Ask a Black Woman Ep. 3 

Negative cycles in your family can be broken!

"I never want my mom to say I'm your mom and your dad because you're not". Perfectly said. I refuse to leave my kids and do like my dad did.

As a fatherless daughter I always wanted a man who grew up with both parents. My husband grew up with his married mother and father-I think it does make a difference.

I would love to see a panel of married black women, married to black men and see how they are doing and holding that relationship together... not sure if you all have an episode like that already but I'm binge watching sooo will find it if you do.

What shadena said - I FELT that shit in my soul. I remember my mom saying the same types of things to me, and I carried that weight along with other things and as a 30 year old women I still feel that I’m still always ready to be disappointed and remain guarded and hardened. I couldn’t see myself as a mother bc I just didn’t know how I could be a single mother bc that’s what I knew.

Sis about to have in tears.... ✋🏿 I can't , when she started crying it got to my spirit

A fathers absence will definitely have a strong negative influence on a child. It’s hard for both males and females. It’s never too late to get your fathers blessing though. It’s something that can help you A LOT through life.

I want to encourage my sisters today with this: Your past doesn't dictate your future. I'm a fatherless woman that was raised by a negative mother. I made the choice to see and seek the positive in people and myself. Because of this attitude all of my relationships with men especially black men are positive experiences. The relationships that didn't work for me were due to the timing of them. As of today, I've been happily married to a black man for the past 12 years and counting with four beautiful children. We are both educated professionals, I'm a teacher and he's a biomedical engineer. Black love is real! Don't let the image and statistics (lies)that they put out about us control your narrative. You set the tone for everything in your life with your words.

I agree 100% with shadena about not showing mercy for one another. Understanding can go along way

Shadena, i feel you COMPLETELY. I feel like so much pressure to break the cycle. Especially having divorced parents. Right now ive been working on myself so i can be ready for an emotionally healthy relationship.

Wow! I gained a lot of knowledge from this. I love the transparency in this video man. I don't ever want my future kids to carry this weight of being fatherless because it affects people no matter how strong you think you are.

I just knew this episode was gonna be deep. I feel you sisters. I feel you. The host did an excellent job with that short word of encouragement - love that❤️❤️

Bad boy, street but with a business mind= drug dealer

I felt that womans pain shadena. I love her name. But i knew exactly what she was going through when i was single i did not want to repeat that cycle of bringing a child in this world without their father not present. I refused. Shadena if you believe you will break that cycle , you will break that cycle. Believe and have faith sweety. Great discussion.

I grew up in a 2 parent home. The one time i dated a guy from a single mother home was the most toxic and worst relationship i've ever experienced. It was a totally different experience than dating guys from two parent homes. Never again. That one experience scarred me.

Great topic.. my mom and my dad fault like cats and dogs. I remember as a little girl on my knees praying asking the lord to not let daddy kill mommy. What kind of fuckery was this. After moving my sister and I and mommy to a basement underneath someone house he walked in the kitchen and told my mommy he didn't want her anymore. My sister and I felt relief for the first time in our life that they were not going to be together anymore. Fast forward to my life today I am happily married and peace and prayer is how my husband and I hold on. Verbal or physical abuse is not love but understanding, respect, compassion and commitment is love. I wish you well Ladies❤️

I'm the woman that's crying. Even to the point I aborted 2 kids because of it. I hate myself for it but i was born in a bathroom as a result of a hidden pregnancy. My mom who passed in 2016 had a baby at 18 with a man at 18 who was my dad, who died in 2017, create me. Two damaged young people had a baby. That baby which is me was first generation college graduate. I'm trying to break the cycle. I love my parents but they were broken. My mom's biological mom was 14 when she had her. I refused to carry on that legacy. Again I'm not proud of my 2 abortions but next time around I want to be my man's wife and raise OUR children together.

I LOVE BLACK WOMEN

Shadena had me in tears. All the ladies were amazing

The woman at 4:59 touched me. Ma'am, you WILL break the generational curses over your family. You deserve to be protected and handled appropriately. I pray for healing. The hurt in your voice got to me....

I can't wait for more episodes like this one. My story is exactly like Shadena being adopted by a single mother and not wanting to continue the generational curse. I love how these women were open and the host did a good job.

Dont bring a child in this world until your happily married. It's that simple

Great conversation and Devale did an amazing job hosting and honoring each woman's story. This video is a great starting point but it leaves many black women without the resources of what to do next. I take a stand that men are seeking the influence of the right woman and black women do have options, even if she doesn't want to date outside her race. It's called Feminine Allure™ and it's a way of being that can be taught.

He is a great host!

Their stories all hit me in a special place. I'm a daddyless daughter of a "Disney" dad and irresponsible mom. My jancro for a father was financially useless. He beat on me, verbally degraded me, and let friends touch me. The few times I was with him, his girlfriend helped my mom raise me. His lack of restraint is why there are 6 of us with 3+ moms and he failed every time. Due to him, I have a fear of abandonment and are scared of men. My mom did what I believe was her best, but I think she was too damaged for motherhood. She had 7 of us with 4 men, which got us separated after she died. Each man abandoned us, yet she never learned differently. As a child, I started to resent her stressed out parenting because it seemed like she and my father chose for her to be a single mother. She was always working and I was a 2nd caregiver in place of a dad, so I wasn't allowed to be a kid or have my own problems. I was my younger siblings' emotional rock, and had to shield them from effects of adult problems I shouldn't have known about. After she laid to rest before my 14th b-day, I went to child services and lived abuse by other kids. Due to her, I fear motherhood and failure. Because of them, I know what I don't want in a partner or friend; but that only gets you halfway to knowing what you do want, and damages your openness to receive it. I also have the fear of becoming a parent, and not ending cycles. I didn't have healthy examples of relationships, marriage or parenthood. I saw countless perpetual single moms and women abused and used by triflin' men. Somehow, I didn't fall into the same mindset and become a teen mom like my mom or addict like my father. I see a black lady therapist, avoid repeating my parents' choices, am hyperaware of red flags, and invest in my personal growth first. I've been with my love for 5 years; he's supportive, gentle and my best friend. We first bonded over being 1st generation Caribbean-American, him being Haitian and me being Jamaican. He's also devoted to ending cycles, and is the only man I've ever felt safe enough with. I affectionately told him I hope we marry and consider kids one day and he agreed. I used to think I was too damaged for wholeness again, so I'd never find healthy love. I'm determined to have the life and love I deserved. Whew this was a lot. I don't usually share this much

My dad was in my home, but he was a womanizer. I have friends who had both parents and still ended up in bad relationships. So I'm not sure. I was lucky enough to find one of the greats. And I appreciate him EVERY day.

These should be longer

How can a bad boy have a good mind?

Im loving these conversations, we need to have them. The guy hosting is so encouraging and he needs to do one with the brothers too, cause there are some real messed up philosophies out here. My heart broke when she began to cry and i could relate tremendously with the girl in red. My parents have been married 50 years but my father as hers was physically there but emotionally absent, i dont blame him its how he was raised, man provides which he did for us (my 3 brothers) and my mom but i would have taken conversations about life over, his working so much any day. So in my life, like her, ive dated physically available but emotionally absent men.

To me the disconnect is black ppl talking to each other truthfully and honestly. There are a lot of hurt people out here but both men and women don't want to show their vulnerability cause we're conditioned to be strong. Without taking the time to sit down with each other is keeping us in this state

My parents have been married for over 40 years. Good parents! Still, my sister and I have been unlucky in marriage and dating. Bottomline, it's different times. Their are no men like my dad....under the age of 50. For every loyal, hardworking, though, skilled (can do at least basic handy man skills), loving Black man there are 20 woman (of different races too) in line willing to do anything to get and keep him. I'm not saying having a dad does or doesn't matter, but having a father doesn't guarantee happiness and a successful relationship.

People PLEASE stop repeating the "stat." The Law of Attraction and the POWER of your Mind are much more creative than any number could ever be. Be Love and Be Open💖

This is to Shadena - Just as you have the desire & drive to be successful, and you may have had to beat the odds, and the mindset concerning being successful while black in this country: I encourage you to keep fighting to maintain that mindset to break the cycle you want to break. Don't settle for less.

Its hard to see this woman be so broken by her fear of never finding a mate. You can, you will. Most African families I know are married couples, and I blessed to have many examples of whole families. They are possible; therapy and prayer are key. Build a strong foundation, and let God be at the center of it all. I will all of them, healing and the love they desire,.

Wow, great conversation. As a woman that grew up without a father, even after 42 years it still hurts my heart not having a father. A father is suppose to be the first man you love and he's suppose to be that example of a real man. I worry for my beautiful daughters who deserve a great guy, but pickings is few as the lady in the gray mentioned earlier.

Wow! That fatherless daughter/motherless son comment really resonated with me. My husband's birth mother was not in his life, until he was 12. Even afterward, she was occupied with her marriage, other children, and her own struggles. He still never got from her what he was looking for. I came along looking for someone to fill the void that my dad left and he was basically looking for the same thing. We should all take the time to heal/do our inner work before getting into relationships.

This show keeps it 💯, and I love it ❤❤❤❤!!!!!

This was excellent.

Growing up my father was my hero. I literally looked up to him. Right when I hit 16, he passed away while on a work trip in Zambia. Fast forward to today, I can fully understand his actions. Then he wasn't a superhero anymore. He was a human. He made mistakes and all that. But that makes me choose his good sides to emulate and I love him for being human and for being my loving father when he was alive. I am now married to a great man who is from a very stable two parent home. I also think that as a woman, we must be true to ourselves and we must be kind to ourselves. Many times we are our worst critic instead of being our best cheerleader. We are stronger than we know it. Love and light daughters.

Great panel of ladies! Beautiful conversation and so important!

I’m in absolute tears 🙏🏾 wonderful message and WONDERFUL host

What a great conversation amongst these beautiful women. Shadena comment resonated with me "We can all sit here and be strong but at the end of the day we all want a good man." That was 100% Real. Wish the segments were a little longer. :)

I can't identify with this at all. My parents were married before I was born and are still together, Dad was always in the household. We should be careful about generalizing about the entire Black woman's (dating) experience, b/c while a lot of Black women and men grew up without a strong father (role), but not all of us. But appreciate hearing their experiences.

YOU DON’T WANT THE “AVAILABLE” MEN OFFERED YOU DESIRE THE ONES’ YOU IMAGINED (sorry their unavailable)

This hit me hard on so many levels. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt truths my sisters!

Ladies, Part of choosing a partner starts with "SELF-WORTH." You have to know and BELIEVE that you DESERVE God's absolute BEST for your life. Also try something new, many woman have married men they never thought they would, because they had some type of list in their mind of the ideal black man. One of biggest things we have to understand is that the foundation of friendship is very important and really getting to know a person and their family history is fundamental. I am still learning who I am as a single woman and I find peace in this journey. Lastly, If you're currently dating or desire to date, I recommend reading "The New Rules For Love, Sex, and Dating" by Andy Stanley, and "The Don't Before I Do" by Emily McKnight. I pray all of these ladies are blessed with a man that is beyond what they could ever dream of.🙏

This is a wake up call for our brothers who are raising our black girls. It's time to uplift our women now.

Much Respect to these Ladies. These conversations are long over due.

I'm so glad that you have addressed the issue of fatherless daughters, fatherless sons, motherless sons and motherless daughters and the complex and inter-generational trauma associated with those relationships

Thank you for this responsible platform.

Such an inspiring segment. We really do need to have more of these honest discussions

Sitting in my office after hours, watching this.... It hurts my soul to hear my Sisters talk like this. As an educated, single black man with no kiddos I can't stand to hear these truths. I think as modern black men we need to understand the cycle better. As boys we may not have had our father in the the home and it affects us in certain ways. Most of us (especially those that don't have a sister) genuinely don't understand the modern black woman. The black woman that "had to be strong". You're the other side of the coin.

Facts!!!!!! Great episode. Ya'll made me cry!

Big up to MN for bringing this to light

I love love loveeeee thses women. Such inspirations. God bless them all in every way and bless the interviewer and the team!

❤❤❤❤ Love this WHOLE series, please keep it up!

That fear hurt my hear too. Stay strong, you still have sisters out there to support you no matter what

Thank you so much Queens!!!

The best topic and conversation on this channel by a good distance. No typical puff topic for once. This was a conversation with substance and that matters. Well done.

This episode hit home for me all of these ladies said everything that I been saying and thinking especially the one who was crying she was really on point.

My biggest fear as a child was being alone. I never dated in high school was scared of boys. The black males made fun of thick hair. I waited until I was 28 then he left me with two girls became a single mom I’m restarting my life

Love this conversation. I learned something from this segment. Thank you ✨

A tons of problem and no active solutions...I’m so over these conversations they’re so one sided and fake...

While everyone's experience is different and there's a need to be careful, I really appreciate the dignified way this was handled. I especially appreciate the courage of the young woman ... who tearfully expressed her feelings. We need more dialogue like this to inform and educate each other, as people of color, to help break some of the negative cycles that are in our community. Please keep up the good work.

Gotdamn! This episode right here, should’ve been longer. Thumbs up!! 👍🏾

Love these deep sista’s. Thank you, I have these same issues. This is the conversation I needed to hear💯

There is a strong need for healing and mercy between the black man and woman . ❤️ As men and women we are simultaneously experiencing our own struggles while blaming one another for the inadequacies that were for the most part instilled in us or just caused by our environment as children . Heal, forgive & Love then hopefully we can build for our future generations of babies . We need a softer approach to heal ourselves . Harsh words never really achieve much xx

Revolutionary. I Love this!!!

5 mins in and this has opened my eyes.

Wow, I loved this!!

Damn this got deep! Great job ladies🎉🎊😊😍😍😍

The only way to break this cycle is for every black man and women to take full responsibility for what we control. Our character, our partners and our level of understanding.

This was an amazing conversation that needs to be continued. My question is if the majority of black men were also raised by single mothers how do we break this cycle?

He is such a great host, I hate the episodes are so short though

I grew up with basically a single mother and my father wasn't around so I had to raise myself into being a man and I was the oldest so I had to help out my mother and these women nowadays black woman they don't want a good black man because when one comes into their existence they throw him away so this is BS with a lot of these black women, they want to be so independent and strong but dependent at the same time so they really don't know what they want until they get about 40-50 until they actually mature and become a woman but it will be too late then they will be damaged goods with a lot of emotional and psychological problems and the man that wanted them back then don't want them anymore and that is the truth.

this was a good one i wish they couldve delved deeper.

Excellent. Thank you.

All of these womens heads are messed up, their mothers got down with ain't shit men, and gave their daughters horrible role models that will cripple them socially for the rest of their lives. The sad thing is, all they can take from the experience is how strong their mothers are....the cycle continues.

This is the second segment of Ask a Black Woman I watch and there is again a woman on the panel complaining about men and their split focus on different women. I don't even date anymore because I feel like there is always someone else i'm competing with. Even when you are going steady with a guy, he's always either got a side piece or a back up for when he feels like he's had enough of you. I've even spoken to my grandmother about this and she was just like hey it's kinda always been like that and that's just how men are. But it hurts!

Im married to a great BW and we both come from broken homes. It's a huge uphill battle especially since we are both rejects from previous marriages. One thing for sure is that we are both tenacious and that tenacity is what has keep us together for almost 7 years now. We believe in God (Yahweh) being the head of our love. When we can't stand each other and have a blow up it's Him and our love for Him that keeps as together. I believe that she is my queen. I call her my rib lol. We are 1 and we are weak without 1 another. Anything worth having is gonna take work. She's so right when the last lady said that a real Black women is worth the effort. My baby is my diamond. I love her with my whole heart and our children too. God has blesses me to find her, and she definately is blessed to find me too lol!😂 Sisters don't give up. Keep growing in God and stop falling to temptation and He will bless you. My wife prayed for a man like me as I did for her and He answered. Nuff said😉.

I think a big problem is ppl don't look to settle down earlier. I've been married 8 years and most of my friends are married. We all met our wives in hs or college. May not have dated during hs or until the end of college. Most ppl are encouraging to sow their oats and settle down later (like Gab Union told the Curry's). However, what too many ppl find out too late is that the pool of available partners doesn't get better with age. In fact it often shrinks and gets worse. Then ppl often make some major compromises to find a partner or they stay single. Or they become single parents. That doesn't mean settle down with someone you're not happy with but it does mean don't pass up that good man or woman when u find them. Look early. Don't waste your 20s with the wrong ppl. Also too many ppl are advised not to settle down until they're financially stable. The risk with that is that everyone wants a finished product. If u wasn't with me on the way up, then why would I risk half of what I've built with u? That doesn't mean settle down wit some guy who can't keep an income or job. Hope this helps.

Fantastic video

This one was excellent.

Love this.

Great questions

I agree with everything!

Wow this topic got me emotional 😭

Have you ever wondered if yiu missed out on someone that you passed up on....I have. I think the right person wont be easily identified on the outside.

the lady in the blue. i relate to her completely and i have from the age of 4. i am 20 now. you ARE the only one who is ALWAYS going to be there for you. We some girls are brought up by our mothers to be tough and self reliant, and struggle to find an in between. That lady in the grey @ 4:46 and on. I felt that. the lady in the black started crying and i'm going through the same thing now. I loved this episode.

I'm so glad one woman mentioned the importance of present fathers being emotionally available to their children. All they have to do is literally have an active parenting role to bond with their children (ex. helping with homework, cooking for them, playing board games, going to report card pickup day) instead of passive (ex. coming home and telling everyone to leave them alone). Children remember the time or lack thereof that parents invest in them. Ppl with passive dads say that it's like being raised fatherless with a mom who's still forced to be mom and dad to an extent. I'm glad I have an awesome dad cause if he was absent or passive, my romantic choices and tolerance for bull would have lead me to more negative relationship experiences

That single mother fear cuts sooooo deep I get u sis😢😭😭😭

Excellent host

What i notice is that single fathers never try to be mothers. But single mothers at a very high percentage try to be fathers. Problem is the fail most of the time.

I Love this

I had this issue for years… being with men that did not know how to stand as men. With age, experience and self-work, I stopped feeding into the lie that as a black woman, I am required to give my love to a man that needs healing. I’ve done the work on myself and continue to do so, I need a man that did and does work on himself consistently and cares to be the lead of the relationship where I can rest in my femininity

Love it. Smart women

# ACCOUNTABILITY no one in the crowd is blaming mom for their situation logic & emotion are like oil and water

This is tough and I feel yall pains.😩😩

That’s why it is imperative that black women select decent fathers for their children so that more you men have a positive consistent role model to learn from. That in itself will increase the number of black men who aren’t in jail or mentally dysfunctional and don’t see the value in the intact family. The women before you created this plight for you now you all are left to fix it...

Sometimes it's hard for black men to be emotional we don't want to be looked upon as weak or whiney men. So remind us that when we are alone with you that it's ok to tell you about our struggles and insecurities so we can share our feelings more.