Finding Love Isn't Easy: Understanding the Challenges of Gay Dating in the LGBTQ+ Community | S1 E4 

It’s really hard as a gay man because 90% of the guys I meet either just want to hookup or they want to drag you down the aisle after 4 months. It’s hard when you just want a partner who is at your pace.

As a man who lived 50 years with the man of my dreams prior to his passing in 2021, I must say I find your pod casts to be spot on, interesting, and a valuable contribution to the LGBTQ community. Thank you. I am often asked to share my experience and "secret" to a long relationship, and your advice is exceptional. I live in a tourist area, and folks return year after year and many bring friends and ask me to retell my story; something I am always happy to do. I am an unbelievably blessed Gay male living in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

3 important rules I learned when dating 1) Be yourself from the beginning 2) know what you looking for 3) move on from the outcome. Possible topic when you do a podcast on relationships is on “Progressive Bias” where you make decisions that sustain a relationship rather than dissolve it. 🦄 🦄

Ugh u both are such a hidden treasure within the community, please continue posting episodes!!! 💗

I remember Joel mentioning that he liked that Keegan was upfront right away regarding his life and boundaries. It’s better to be upfront so that people aren’t left wondering and or wasting their time if you aren’t on the same page with someone. That’s a good thing to do with any potential relationship. If you have specific expectations you can’t expect the other person to meet those if they are in the dark about it.

Hi guys lol…. I was the same as the both of you in some ways. After a 13 year toxic and abusive relationship. I finally got the courage to walk out and had next to nothing to show for it. I didn’t date for three years. As I wanted to get my life together first. Like Keegan I had a list of non negotiables and was up front about it. The more I dated the more that was added to the list. Well I met the one or as you guys said the unicorn. We’ve now been together 14 years, have our house, have traveled the world etc… life couldn’t be better. And yes communication is the key. But having personal goals, joint goals and aspirations gives direction and something to aim for. All the best to you both from Melbourne Australia.

Wow i'm really pleasantly surprised to see such mature, kind gay men out there! Sometimes coming across too many toxic gay men can make it seem all bad. But it's nice to know that there are genuine guys that actually want to make effort and know what they want! Finding a partner as a gay is quite challenging especially since many guys are going through a delayed adolescence and are hyper-sexual or they don't want to become attached.

As a guy trying to date, it is really hard to stay motivated to keep trying when you continue to be ghosted for one reason or another. All I want is someone who there is mutual attraction and love. Someone who makes me feel special even when I do not feel so special. Every day I worry about being out of shape as I get older because I prefer guys who are more physically fit and I see most of those guys with other muscular guys. It’s quite frankly irritating because as a person who works a full time job and a full time student, it’s hard enough to find time to just rest and relax let alone stay in the gym to push limits. At this point, I feel like all I can do is try to manage enough until I graduate and can carve out time again to start pushing limits again. Or maybe some handsome man will finally sweep me off my feet… idk

Nice foray into this often scary topic of dating and relationships. My takeaways (which I totally agree with) are (1) that It can take time, but you shouldn’t obsess about finding that perfect relationship, because that often puts too much pressure on the process. And (2) you should NEVER compromise on your principles, because that will never lead to anything that lasts long term. So, well done guys! ❤

I'm so glad that you are speaking out about this. I had a list, too! We've been together for almost 20 years now.

Sooo relatable in the lesbian community as well, love the podcast gents ! X

Joel is a unicorn! He's a keeper. Can't wait to hear your more specific chats on this topic. Eg, navigating the dating mess that is apps. How to not ghost someone when you know they aren't right for you, or worse, when they are becoming problematic. How to avoid the scams (friend lost $40,000 to a guy who she was chatting with on the dating app who was "helping her get to her financial goals" after securing her trust thru the loving caring interactions). And I know there are so many other types of scams on there. Good ways to get thru the first secund and third parts of dating apps as a gay person when there's often too much focus on pushing toward sex, but you want to flirt, but avoid the type who end up only wanting a hookup

Recently discovered this podcast, and I am so grateful I did. It's really well done and touches upon such important topics. In the future I would love to see an episode on shame and guilt which seem to be pervasive in the LGBTQIA community. That, and maybe age shaming or big age gaps. Keep up the amazing work!

i haven’t had much relationship/dating experience, maybe it’s from a fear of rejection (or a pathological fear of being hate crimed) but the few times i have met someone i’ve almost always been ghosted. it’s just led me to think clearly something is wrong with me since no one can be upfront when they lose interest and that, for me, there’s no real reward for the effort of getting to know anyone.

I'm one of those gay men who never experienced a long term relationship or have many gay male friends I can relate to. It's sad to say being a gay man is hard, and its hard to be motivated in a sea of ppl and being lost.

Another GREAT show guys! Speaks so much to dating today and how important it is to make that list. Can't wait for the continuation on this topic.🥰👍

Hi Joel and Keegan - this was great 💫and I sent it on to a much younger friend of mine who is struggling with dating. You both made some excellent points. I'm kinda like Joel in that I believe the Universe can bring you to the right one and he to you but you have to put yourself out there. 👍🏼In my dating days it was IRL 😅 but I did try apps as a mature man just to see what they were like. 👀Well done for you both and I wish you many happy years together. I think you could save relationship topics until you've had more of a relationship and I will look forward to those. For now, this is a great start and thank you.❣

Great show guys and very informative and it speaks for all sex orientations. ❤❤❤❤❤

As usual guys - Love it, love it, love it. Always been bi but lived a hetro life, married twice - divorced from first and widowed from the second and now living as a gay man. I’m not actively seeking a bf but if one comes along then so be it. Just love living the gay life and being amongst queers 🏉🌈🏉

Excellent conversation today guys. Loving your down to earth personalities and perspectives on our differences in the gay community. As a father of 3, closeted and heterosexually married for most of my life I would love to share my journey with you someday. ❤

Loving what y'all are doing! Applicable to all walks. Would love to see these topics teased out a bit, longer form or topic series. ✌️

Love this podcast and looking forward to hearing every week now!!

Good conversation fellas! For me I find the best to navigate dating in the gay world is just to kind of adopt a hybrid approach to how you meet and interact folks. One way is not set in stone to another so whether you decide to meet people through apps or just randomly in real life I think both options can breed valid relationships. For myself, whenever I feel like I am having trouble navigating what I like to do is really reinforce self love and feeling okay being single. I think for a lot of gay men it is common for us to experience lack of male acceptance from our peers especially if we present more feminine from an earlier age. So for a lot of us, meeting someone who is attracted to us wants to spend time with us is really good because perhaps our fathers or brothers or best friends never gave us that sort of guidance and joy from being around like minded guys. Add sex into the mix, and guys like myself are just running around like fishermen trying to catch anything that bites. But the reality is we have to find satisfaction in ourselves and realize that being happy takes effort. You can’t exactly date anyone if you are not happy on your own so I think for a lot of the LGBT community especially here in the USA, it’s about finding ourselves and letting things happen naturally. But this world is big and I don’t think meeting people from apps is a catch 22 either. It’s like you have stated you have to set boundaries never settle and always remember you will be happy on your own. Then when somebody does come around they will be like a bonus to your already happy life!

I'm new here! I'm happy I found you guys. This resonates! I'm single and in my mid-30s 💚

I don’t remember where I heard this comment on relationships, but it certainly seems accurate: Relationships are like a fart; if you have to force it, it’s probably crap.

I needed this when I was in the dating scene years ago. Very helpful and interesting information. GREAT JOB!!!!!!!

I love how honest you both are.❤

I surely do like the way you both think about dating etc. And so glad that you found each other. Looking forward to the next installment.

So interesting - can't wait for more :)

Really enjoying the podcast and looking forward to how things develop with it. One honest bit of feedback that I’ve noticed, and you’ve probably noticed it too in post, is Keegan fiddling with the mic wire/stand has a provides a bit of noise when listening. Doesn’t spoil, but it’s a bit odd in the headphones 😂

There is a way to be tactful, when you don’t feel the same way. I have only said this twice in my whole life, “Thank you for saying that, I appreciate that. But I would rather be friends and I don’t want to lie to you and make you think otherwise.” Unfortunately, if people don’t want to be ghosted and they say their feelings, then you have to be honest. But then, I have had the same thing back at me, I know it’s not a nice feeling. As long as someone is not going to be a capital A, then it’s up to the person in how they deal with it, as you the said person is only saying the truth, while trying to be aware of someone’s emotions, as that is the most important thing.

Love the content! It may help with something playing in my head for awhile! Have a friend who has become very close over time and now thinking he may be wanting more but worried if I have read him wrong!

Love you guys. You are such great role models. Big hugs, Jamie

A great chat as usual. I think you need to revisit this topic again later. I’m currently on Bumble and Hinge, I’ve paused hinge because I’m not having any luck. Bumble is better, I have more likes and conversation even though it’s fleeting. What is very frustrating is people will like me and we will match but won’t say anything after. What’s the point of liking me in the first place. Now I think it’s me but I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, it’s so annoying.🙁

Loving the podcast guys xx it's applicable to all xx

Love the podcast and your insight.... You guys are awesome......

Iconic we all love it and your smiles sending love from a new Zealand gay

Been with my Husband 28 years now, living on a small horse ranch. Happy at home and travelling around with the animals. I garden and he rides. Very happy

The problem is when you get chatting to people these days online it is like filling out a job application form or applying for a mortgage! At the age of 48 i would rather be on my own then have to go through all of that process to get a date.

Great show really fun and informative your a fantastic team

Hello from Barbados! From a population of ~300k, subtract half as females, then the elderly, the minors, the straight ones, and you end up with such a tiny dating pool. Add an overall conservative culture, and you learn pretty early that app dating is your best bet. (And this is with 80% of profiles being blank.) It was pretty hard to keep some standards that you know you should, but miracously it worked out 😅.

Look, part of me feels like some of the metaphors deployed in this chat were a bit laboured, but another part thinks - is there anything much nicer than being called another's unicorn? More seriously, I think this (and the concept of HHH generally) is constructive and I hope it finds its proper audience. I wonder if gay/straight/other dating scenes aren't increasingly much the same now as stigmas continue to fall away and technologies level and normalise the dating forums, but I might be wrong about that. In any event, I wish both of you much success and happiness in all aspects of your relationship. Go well. 🙂

Phew, the bit about potential & the well/$20 really struck a cord. My last relationship lasted 11 years... I never found water. It was extremely toxic (and mentally abusive), but I kept telling it would get better when.... I'm not sure I'll ever put myself out there again after that experience (which is sad because I love love).

I feel like if you're good looking and fit then the numbers game is a lot easier. I've been single now 3 and half years and have been on and off Tinder, Hinge and other apps several times and I hardly get anything. I constantly swipe and I just seem to get the spam and scammer accounts. i am a bit of a romantic and wish that meeting in person did still happen but it's not as easier as someone with a visual impairment.

a good start to the topic of conversation. Keegan putting on that American accent was so d guys

Keegan said that he was initially trying to put Joel off on their first date so would like to know when/how/why his view changed ? I’m not sure about the set of requirements for a partner as I have found that your heart dictates who you fall in love with, even if you don’t immediately have that connection. I’ve found that relationships/love grow as time goes on.

None of this applied to me but then being older it makes it much much harder

Dateing is not like applying for a job love and dating are always emotional work and job hunting are logical and mental

How did you two meet? Was it a business encounter or social media? For Boomer generation, prior to the internet, the choices were either business or bar socializing. As for myself, I found most bar encounters (one off) or toxic short and long term. I gave up in favor of stability both financial and emotional. Advise from Father was, learn to live with one-self before trying to live with others.

Great podcast!

Trully , it's so hard to find love in the gay community.. Only a few wants serious monogamous relationship nowadays , sad truth 😔😔😔Im new to your channel.. i love your contents .. very interestimg topics, would definitely watch your others videos.. keep posting videos 👍👍👍👍

You both are so cute, sweet, beautiful, fun, & adorable

Thanks! Studio Fund…more please.

❤❤ your show

Love you guys

You've been living together for three months, since 14th January.

You guys inspired me.

Dating is hard overall, and dating via apps brings a whole host of other issues. People communicate differently on apps, people have different expectations of what they’re getting from the app and what they want from a guy, and also there’s the issue that you haven’t actually met them, so you fill in the gaps yourself and can get disappointed when you actually meet. For example I’ve never dated a guy off Grindr that hasn’t said they expected me to be taller (5”9’s on the profile), and I’ve met guys who can talk brilliantly online but can’t talk at all in person. And there are people who manipulate online, fake edited or very old photos for example. But it can be done. My partner and I met on Grindr, and this will be our 8th year together. And when we first met he also said he thought I’d be taller 😂

I've never interpreted "look after yourself and be physically fit" as "just like going to the gym so we can go together" like I go to the gym 3 x a week but I don't have the aesthetic of someone who does so when I see that phrase I'm not going to see "I just want to go to the gym with someone" I would see "be an Abercrombie and Fitch Model or jog on" A gym buddy by contrast might make me go "ah ok that might be something we can do together"

7:42😂😂😂 cracked me up😂😂

Let love find you… online is hard-work !

Can we talk about the rudeness that occurs if you're in a club and if someone you meet eyes with does not find you attractive they will be so deliberate in their movements away from you? Sometimes accompanied by a look like you are something they've trodden in?

Keegan's calfs are huge !

It’s nice seeing you guys together and you make some good points but you really only scratched the surface. You both would be considered highly desirable in the gay scene, attractive, high status masculine etc. You have to imagine that if it’s hard for you imagine how hard it is for the vast majority who are only average looking etc. Also I feel like you completely missed why dating apps don’t work, the paradox of choice, the disposability of people on these apps etc. I know you weren’t trying to get super in depth but yeah just putting that out there.

I'm a shy 38, black chub with know friends. I find it hard to find love, never been in a relationship 🙁

The way you two said “Lovers.” >>>>>>>>>>>>>

I can't be the only one getting Robert Webb vibes from Joel. In a good way, of course. He's very likeable.

i literally do not and have never lived in this world of getting dates.

🖖

Devil’s avocado 🥑 🤣🤣🤣

The Keeg's arms are huge.

Too often do I get my hopes up for a guy when it turns out that all they wanted was my body 😁

Dating is significantly harder for gay people compared to straight people. Biggest reason being is we live in a world that is 90% there isn't many of us and options are limited whilst our standards are high. I'm 33, almost 34, never kissed anyone and still a virgin and every guy I've liked have all turned out to be straight, I was in love with a dude for 5 years but he is straight and struggled to come to terms that it was never going to happen. I don't find most gay dudes attractive, most dont have any affect on me, I swear UK doesn't have the best of options. Love does'nt come to you when you're gay, you really have to immerse yourself in the LGBTQ community and I've never really felt part of the community and online dating feels forced. I'm not going to be PC, but looks are important, its not one or the other, you can have both looks/personality, if there is no sexual chemistry then the relation isn't going any further. I wish there was an alternative way we gay people can meet each other that isn't through an app or at the bar

omg Guardians of the galaxy lovers =-)

Was Keegan on an episode of First Dates? I believe I remember him on there (watching from USA). I think the date he had was soooo into him and the show really pushed him being a rugger and he had zero interest in the guy at all.

Lads this is a personal problem (mine), but can you wear different pants or jeans please, the colour I mean.

Trying to find a decent, relaxed, chilled hardworking guy that’s settled, in a routine and lives a healthy lifestyle and looks after themselves and when I say looks after themselves just normal exercise, is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I’m am 31 full time in finance, I do not have the time for non-structured and does not have their sh1t together at this stage. If I end up alone I end up alone so be it.

You two are a refreshing in gay as it's nice😊

Took her down to pound town! 😂

Hahaha!!! Devils Avocado!!😂😂😂 using that!

You seem to say the 'L' word quite comfortably now

In not an ugly man but what's date I find the gays are well

Hi both If you want sex as opposed to a relationship then maybe apps should be separate apps for each this may help

Ghosting just adds to the stereotype that gay men never grow up. Shame on you!!!

Keegan`s mic is too hot and the bass needs turned down because he has a bassy voice.

I don't know a crap about gay dating! Well ok.. got a little bit app experience under the belt. Romantically? Zero. Thank you, fellow bros.

So many gay guys look at 'love' as high maintenance and bandage. So sad

its even more hard to look for a relationship when you're not muscular and doesnt have a big "d"

the self-aware alphas.

There are gay men who date?

Keegan wearing those sweatpants is the reason I watched this all the way through 🤤

Seek Jesus Christ,Romans 10 :9

How do gay men actually feel about bisexual men?

Keegan please stop playing with the mic boom 😳

Wouldn’t quite say it’s “healthy” to be “homo” lol

You call yourselves boyfriends but I think partners is more accurate. How to deal with less sexual satisfaction in a relationship would be a possible segment of HHH.

A really boring podcast

Of course it's not easy, I mean with this nefarious attempt to normalize poly