definitely not north indian 🤣 north indians would be more along the lines of 'arey jaake baat kr warna koi aur mil jayegi' (just go and talk to her or else there are more people)
Unfortunately in the USA, Asians have the lowest ranking for interracial dating preferences. I think even Japanese/Korean/Chinese is more desired than Indian. This is unfortunate, because Asians:Indians usually have higher incomes on average than all other races.
When you interact with people or meet new people, have you told them you are socially awkward? Or do you keep trying not be socially awkward? I ask because of this: let's say I'm super socially awkward and go out with the mindset of pretending that I'm great at social stuff, hoping to fake it till I make it. What the other person sees is someone who isn't very adept at the social rules and this person is trying to hide this fact. They will question "why is this person not showing me who they actually are?" and "I don't feel comfortable being open with this person, they can't even be open with themselves". If your goal is to beat being socially awkward by skipping the step of becoming comfortable with awkward social situations, you will fail continually. There is no action or piece of knowledge that will change everything. But if you start from a place of "I'm socially awkward and pretty bad at this stuff", you are actually being open about something personal about yourself, you are not playing a game in your mind. Truly facing what makes you uncomfortable, with the expectation to be uncomfortable, is what will teach you how to comfortably communicate with others.
15 years of what? Of not leaving the basement? Or was it 15 years of grinding, making money, getting knowledge, investing resources into yourself, into your education, into your skills and into your future? If it wasn't the latter, then you kinda should start now; you don't get younger than right now. Be greedy for knowledge, be curious, be outgoing, plan your day, ask people to share their knowledge if you can't figure it out yourself, don't be helpless, don't strive to be helpless (e.g. "I'm just not good enough and will never be able to learn guitar" is bad coping), don't complain to people
The worst part about modern dating is how hard it is to just talk to a new person. Nowadays, it's often considered weird or even outright creepy to talk to someone you don't know. *_Especially_* if you're a man talking to a woman. Even if you're in the fucking club or other social setting. The only foolproof way of actually meeting people nowadays is through other people. Good luck with that once you get out of school/college. The barrier of entry to simply meet a new person nowadays, regardless of gender, is actually fucking ridiculous. I say this as a 24 y/o. We live in a very anti-social society and it's one thing I absolutely hate about being young in this generation.
modern dating is quite literally, 100% womens fault men bare no blame on the current problem. lets hope the next generation of women are higher quality than genz women, genz women are completely fucked in the head, on all levels.
This is a very random thing, but you should look at the sport of armwrestling. For me it's the origin of my current friend group. It's a great way to stay in shape, and the community is great. If you find a club near you then you might have the same experience. It also gives you something else to base your manhood off of. You can have it in your head "yeah that guy has a girl, but he wouldn't beat me at armwrestling." haha
Totally agree to this and any amount of approachability is even harder because any man attractive or not just trying to start conversation is look at by the woman as the same level as the people in her dm's you also have to think about why women are so easily creeped out and why so many are just afraid of men in general social media has evidently made people more anti social as a whole. The BEST thing to do in this world is to get rid of social media until you find your woman. the best motivation is conflicting interest.
@@chimera5542 Piggybacking on this, hobbies are the key. Meeting people through a mutual interest (whatever hobby it is) is by far the best way to meet people. It has to be a hobby with a physical component though, to physically meet up. Online meetups are not the same for this. To avoid being "that guy", do not go into that hobby with the intention to date. Do it with the intention of enjoying the hobby and meeting people. For me, personally, it's board games. I've met so many friends and maintained friendships through that hobby, and met my long-term gf through it.
Thanks for saying that, I have been saying this for years (ESPECIALLY after corona, Corona amplified the already slow change by a factor of like x1000). I am 25 right now and I can remember in my youth just talking to random people and even touching them was the most normal thing ever in alot of contexts. Today there is no context AT ALL where that seems normal. Where is the going to a local park or beach or whatever and bringing other people you dont know to hang out with you. I have never experienced that for so long now that not even myself but other people do that. People, me included dont even try anymore because the majority of people are WAYY less open and approachable than 10 years ago and when pretty much everybody is not approachable anymore then even the most open and social people give up in talking to new people in most contexts. This is THE biggest thing I miss in todays sociaty and when I find a place where this is different, be sure that I relocate to that place.
As a guy in his 50s who's trying to reenter dating, one big understated roadblock is the lack of a network. When I was in my 20s and my friends were in their 20s and single, everyone was looking to help their friends find a date and you went in groups, which helped people feel safer to date. Now, most of my friends are in their 40s and 50s, have kids, have full lives, and can't offer the same support network, so you're left almost entirely without support trying to figure out what they got right long ago, and a lot of the people who are eligible have their guard up because of past relationship issues. It makes it very difficult.
I'm in a similar situation, I'm 28 years old and all my friends are married, only I'm single. That's true, without a Network it's very difficult, I'm having to go to the beach or the mall and approach girls like in those stupid youtube videos. But recently a friend got single and he often goes with me to try to make new friends. I don't have much to add besides the classic "work on yourself", this works, but one thing that helped me a lot was pairing up with this friend, approaching people (even if it's just to make friends) is actually a lot easier with a friend on the side.
@@invernofuyu2542 28 is still incredibly young so don't stress out too much. Also people nowadays do get married later so there are still plenty of people like yourself. What about using online dating as another method to find someone? I've found both of my past and current partners online. I think the "work on yourself" mantra is still a good thing to live by though, because if you are fully invested in yourself, with or without a partner, you'd still be able to live your best life. And it usually follows that the more you enjoy your own life, the more positive energy you attract and people will be drawn to you like a magnet. I can speak from experience about this.
as someone who recently got into a new relationship, i can tell you that getting a girlfriend shouldn't be your goal - it should be something that comes along as you get more familiar and comfortable with the other person. if you're comfortable with a person (and they're comfortable with you) the relationship comes almost naturally. if it's meant to be that way, you don't really need to do anything special in order to get into a relationship with that person
People who think they need a "gf" actually just wanna have sex. As soon as "that" is understood on a personal level, priorities are becoming more clear and goals are easier to achieve.
@@mr.dirtydan3338 Exactly. I think there is a fine line between a friendship and a romantic relationship and it can go either way pretty fast, so it's important to state your intentions as soon as they are clear to you.
Dr K. Thank you. I was so close to giving up and ending my life and one day one of your videos popped up and I watched it. A little over 1.5 years later and I’m the happiest I’ve been since I was a child. My life has turned completely around and I don’t know where I’d be right now if I didn’t press on that video. Thank you
woah. same. it started with watching interviews with streamers that hit really, really close to home at times and then I started seeing some of HG's vids like these and it honestly dragged me out of a place of nihilism and hopelessness. there were other factors but Dr. K and HG were a solid 40% of what helped me.
No, it's not. I'm 27 and I get rejected and laughed at by girls because I've never had a girlfriend and have no sexual experience. Therefore I never even have a chance to get a partner. I would much rather have a girlfriend for 3 weeks and have at least SOME experience instead of being alone, lonely, childless and miserable for the rest of my life.
@@williamspirralafton3143 I would rather die than being lonely and miserable for the rest of my life. It's already unbearable because there is virtually zero hope of ever finding a partner who tolerates my lack of experience.
Most dating advice can be summed up as "a watched pot never boils." And, honestly, I think this is what "earns" the frustrated responses. At least for me, I didn't even care about dating until after high school. And I went through high school without talking to a girl. No one showed an interest in me, and vice versa. But in my 20s, I really wanted to get to know girls. And made an active effort in interacting. And got nowhere, as I watched most of my graduating class get married. This shit gets to you!
This is the way I look at it: those people are stuck, atleast if they have kids. We get to live our lives in our 20s instead of taking care of a kid or asking the wife if we can go out with the boys. I can be spontaneous with life. We have options. Sure that feeling is there, but I dont stress about it too much.
How I did it: I came out of something long term last year, it was crushing. After focussing on my mental health for a while I decided to get on all the dating apps. Couldnt connect with anyone. So I decided to get off the apps and meet people through a hobby/ sport that I loved. But it had to be social so I could make new friends (and with any luck some girls too). I decided to start bouldering. I hadn't been in years but my bouldering gym has such a friendly culture. On my second visit I started a chat with another climber. We got along and he ended up introducing me to another guy and a really cute girl. I really just thought she was with the guy so I didn't pry. About two weeks later I saw her climbing by herself and said g'day. I asked her where her boyfriend was and she said "what boyfriend?". After climbing together for a bit and chatting we arranged to go climbing together two days later. That turned into dinner and here we are. It was the most natural connection I've ever built and still a little unbelievable considering the dates I had online.
How the hell do you just strike up a conversation with someone? Knowing me I'd hold a conversation about bouldering and that would be it. No Space for Personal Stuff.
So to get into a relationship all you need to do is have previous long term relationships. Thank you for your input, wasn't helpful at all. It's pretty insulting that you thought that your experience of being single for less than a year was somehow relevant to this discussion.
@@Muscaplays Of course it does. Having previous relationships is the strongest predictor for success in future relationships. It's just that it's completely useless advice for all the people who actually need help in this area of life. I'm guessing this dude's advice to a paraplegic would be "well, have you, like, tried walking?".
@@pajander he gave specific advice that had nothing to do with his previous relationship. How that compares to telling a paraplegic to walk is beyond me
Like, when you go on a date you either get someone really cool, someone hyper toxic or nothing at all. That's the analogy, because lootboxes are RNG, you can get cool items or just garbage.
Half of finding a relationship that works is sheer, dumb luck. Even when you work on yourself and actively look, you have to be in the right place at the right time or you get nowhere. This is what's happened to me: it's not that I haven't found any women I like, it's that every time I've looked, the women I like are taken already. There ain't shit I can do about that, and it's incredibly demoralizing, so I try to focus on being grateful for the other good things I have in life, instead.
You are so right im dealing with this word for word. Work on yourself but if you aren't in the right place right time right day you get nowhere after so long it bring your spirit down. Or you meet someone who taken or they have someone like babydaddy they on/off with. I don't want to lose hope but I'm frustrated getting nowhere im tired. I'm close to giving up or putting in effort.
Totally agree. Human relationships feel more random than learning a new craft. It is true that I could do more to increase my chances, but being ghosted in dating sites does more damage to my mental state than not trying.
I'm a junior in high school right now and I've been dating my current girlfriend for a few months now. I really tried putting myself out there at the beginning of high school, and didn't have any luck with the girls at my school. I started working out, dressing better, and improving myself. Girls at my school still weren't interested me. It wasn't until I went on a field trip to a musical for my English class, where a girl from another school airdropped a bunch of people her phone number to play iMessage games, that I met my girlfriend. I randomly decided to start talking to her over text, and we continued to get closer and closer and now we have been dating for nearly 5 months. It's like, the most random way to meet, and honestly the dumbest luck, but it will come to you. Have hope, and keep improving yourself. This will happen to you too.
Getting a girlfriend is one thing, how about getting a "quality" girlfriend, and furthermore "keeping" a girlfriend? How many of those people say "yes this worked and I got a gf" but don't tell you that it didn't last?
i spent my 20s trying to master talking to women, taking them on dates and all of that. i've had a very successful dating life. but none of my relationships last. they're different skills for sure.
If you're looking for a "quality" girlfriend, then you need to make yourself appealing to a woman like that. If that doesn't work, you're trying to date someone to profit from her and no woman is really into being used this way.
There was one girl i had a huge crush on and i went to ask her out. Mind you we had dinner and talk alot to each other, then when i went to ask her she said no and was not looking for a boyfriend. I respectfully said i understand and one week later she was dating this other guy. It really crushed me and i fell into a deep depression. Its been a year and just got over her. I told myself that im done chasing her and moved on.
"Working on yourself" is forever, it's not just for finding a relationship. I'm a married woman and I'm always doing it. You have to do both, working on yourself and working on your relationships.
@@creeperkingdom3190 Make a list of your needs and wants, if you can comfortable fulfill like a good 75% and the remaining 25% isn't something that'll add unnecessary baggage on someone's life, then find someone that will compliment the positives, and maybe even fulfill some of that lack. At the end of the day it's balancing your own needs and wants with someone else's, hopefully in a balanced manner.
@@creeperkingdom3190 I'm a pretty unusual woman. I like to actively pursue a shy boy who has a well above average IQ and a cute face. I can only advise someone similar to myself about relationships specifically, probably. My husband won me over by saying weird stuff, being shy and awkward, and talking about history and politics instead of trying to send me pictures of his pp. We each have our own path, anyone who gives cookie cutter advice on how to find love is selling you lies. We can only give generalities about how to be a healthy enough person with good enough social skills not to scare people away. The rest is unfortunately up to each of us to work out.
@@creeperkingdom3190 you're not supposed to "do" anything. You're supposed to meet people and find someone you're compatible with whose needs/wants you can meet and who will meet your needs and wants. As long as you both view each other as individuals instead of milestones or assets then you'll have a healthy relationship.
What bothers me about this process is that for men the advice is “put constant effort into every facet of your life for half a decade and maybe, only maybe, you’ll end up in a relationship.” Whereas for women it’s literally just “download hinge or bumble”
As a guy who was alone for as long as I can remember, living in loneliness is a daily psychological struggle, I'll tell you what. Have been close to forming a romantic relationship last year, but the baggage has stopped it dead in its tracks and my insecurities destroyed any chances of having a platonic relationship on top of it. It's been somewhat of a wake-up call for me to not let those doomer thoughts to drown me, but with every failure, every moment where I feel weak, that part of me starts to push those negative thoughts out in the open again.
I think the thing is, they have insecurities too, so try to be more open about that, about not only your strong side, but your weak side too. Not only it might help, because they will also open about their weak points, but if it becomes a relationship, it will surely be much stronger one
The biggest problem I have with finding a girlfriend is mostly just because I live a livestyle that doesn't meet many new people, and frankly, the kind of person I'm looking for is also someone like that. Think, Hermit seeking Hermit lol. Lack of networking really hurts sometimes. It always feels skeezy just approaching random women to strike up a conversation with a goal being to find someone to date, but I'm not the kind of person that demands a lot of friendships attention outside of a small group. There are plenty of fish in the sea, but it matters not to the man that lives in the desert. Finding a girlfriend has always been a... conflicting motivation to every other goal I have in life. I want to do exactly what I'm doing now, but with companionship, but I seemingly can't find companionship doing what I do.
I'm feeling very depressed and lonely for 3 years now. I hate feeling like this. I hate it. I will never find a special puzzle piece in my life to spend time with and I really don't know what it means to find it. I hate big and upper ranks RU-vidrs and artist online. Look at me, I'm just a lower rank. I'm no upper rank. Sometimes I really wish to be erased from reality and the universe. Maybe that would make them happy so they can be satisfied. I'm thinking about doing it now. I have no one. Those upper ranks do but not me. I still have friends and family, but there is one special thing that i really need in my life and I really don't know what it is right now.😞
You have to risk experiencing hella awkward and cringe moments through social interactions. There's just no other way around our own neuroticism. Some people don't overthink social interactions. A sense of wonder and curiosity of the bigger world as I move around in it. And the opportunities that lie to meet and be drawn to the cool people you come across. Striking up random conversations with strangers just comes naturally to me at this point. Analysis paralysis over the trials of relationship dynamics waste time from actually just experiencing them for yourself. No one comes out of them unscathed. That's the cost for the good stuff of life worth while. No one is entitled nor guaranteed to the same degrees of joy and fulfillment they can bring.
A hermit man wanting a hermit wife doesn't make sense to me, and frankly I have never heard of or seen it before unless the woman in question was 200+ pounds and living a very unhealthy lifestyle. I am guessing your "lifestyle" is excessive gaming. Without more info, there is only so much I can say, but I can assume you likely spend most of your free time gaming to some capacity, and even a "hermit" woman likely wouldn't be too attracted to that in a man unless his lifestyle was making them rich. You really can't achieve much without sacrifice, and in your case I assume you need to spend fewer hours inside doing leisure time, and more time outside just walking around your town/city on foot, going shopping in person (no ordering every meal/grocery), and perhaps even finding ways to help other people in person. I apologize if I am assuming incorrectly how you live, but I am projecting a bit. I use to game 5+ hours a day after work, get fast food most days (microwave the other days), was 70 pounds overweight, did not really exercise, and it wasn't until my early 30s that I finally realized how stupid I had been. I lost the weight, got reasonably muscular/toned through mostly calisthenics at home (only had pull up and dip bars), started cooking basic stuff for myself 95% of the time, and most importantly I shaved about 3-4 hours off of my gaming time to go outside just to walk around (getting sunlight is the best way to get vitamin D which helps with just about every other vitamin being absorbed properly as well as deal with depression) and talk to random people which slowly but surely improved my near non existent social skills. Men and women are vastly different. Even if you found a woman to game with all of the time... how long can such a relationship last? How good would that be for potential children? Would you make time for family on both sides? Would she? What example would you be setting to a person you are suppose to be leading through life? I had to answer these questions to myself, and no matter how much I thought about it; no matter how much philosophical debate I listened to or how much I wanted life to be different... the bottom line is that marriage means you have FAR less time than otherwise and countless more responsibilities. Many people get divorced because they do not accept this from the get go.
Yeah, this is my problem. I’m aroace so not necessarily looking for romance, but I do want someone who can be a consistent part of my life and I can share my hobbies, interests, etc. with. Bad part is, I’ve never really fit in with the kind of people in my area, and I don’t really have the means to go elsewhere on a regular basis. So networking outside of college has been next to impossible…
I grew up being told I was worthless. I was bullied, and women would look at me with utter disgust. I would be told that they were offended I had even tried. I even had experiences where the woman in question would tell me that dating me would make her feel like she failed in life, after going on to date an abusive man. And you know what? I had been working very hard on myself. It didn't work. Only when I stopped caring, lost my brother to illness, and let myself go, and approached dating as "Whatever happens happen" mindset, did I end up finding my first real girlfriend that I would stay with forever. I was told "You should love yourself first before seeking a relationship". Worst advice I have ever received. The success from this one relationship gave me the confidence I needed to put some things behind me. I became a good cook, got multiple promotions, became a rock for her when she needed it. Now I realize that it wasn't because I wasn't good enough. Either thise women were not compatible with me, or they missed their chance to get a caring and devoted boyfriend. I don't actually believe that the assessement that 5 years can just get you a girlfriend makes any sense. Sometimes, no matter how hard you work, nothing comes of it. I am 100% conscious that luck played a big role in my current relationship. I am thankfull, and while my work may have helped, dying alone was a very possible outcome. I still have male friends who suffer rejection after rejection. Yeah, sure, you should keep trying, but life isn't fair. You sometimes must fight a lot harder than most, and there is no guarantee you will succeed. But you are worth it. You owe it to yourself to keep trying. My friend sometimes rants to his friends about how tough it is to find someone despite trying so hard to grow as a person. He gets called an "incel". Instead of supportive comments, he gets beaten down. I went through that too. Being given a chance is huge. And of course, now that I am settled, I get hit on all of the time x_x
It's not a goal because goals are things that can be achieved by effort and determination. The sad fact is that what you do has almost no bearing on how another person feels.
Sadly this is so true and i have come to this realisation. This isnt something i can just work towards. Im just gonna focus on my cereer choice and hey. If one comes than one comes.
Your first statement of correct, but the things you do ABSOLUTELY will affect how other people feel about you, and you can absolutely take steps to make yourself more desirable
I completely disagree. People manipulate people in love and business everyday for better or worse. It is absolutely possible to turn a no to a yes in sales and relationships. It’s actually how the world works. I’m not saying it’s easy but seduction is real, it’s part psychology, part human experience but one person can absolutely change how another person feels. It happens every day
Incorrect. Entire industries are built solely on changing what people feel. Think marketing, public speaking, political campaigning or any form of dramatic art. Of course getting a relationship is a goal.
Yea... all we can really do is try and change things for future generations, but most men will never break free of the mentality. It isn't as easy as "focus on yourself". I already work, survive, and try to be respectful to people. No one on this planet is perfect, and everyone has flaws. If this is the return of polygamy, then it is what it is.
Me too this videos and comments makes me feel that it's impossible not the other way around. don't they think we have tried all of that? I feel so hurt and making other having success only makes me feel worse.
if you think that making yourself a more interesting and self reliant person doesn’t inherently make yourself more attractive, then you just don’t understand
@@datboi945 The point is rather "self improvement" is rather subjective cuz if you are "self improving" what does this mean ? It could mean " i go to the gym 4 hours everyday and i don't play video games anymore cuz video games are for losers". It could mean " i meditate and read books everyday and i go to church getting right with god and try to eat healthy" it could mean "im going out more to bars and getting shit faced drunk every night and starting to use drugs to become more socially liked by people who get drunk and do drugs cuz most people do drugs and drink and listen to -insert popular music people like-". see the term "self improvement is subjective, you could self improve by trying to become more into what everyone else likes you could spiritually self improve you could go exclusively physical and go to the gym. If youre a normal person you are always self improving you are always doing all three of these things or two of them at least the point is even if you self improve and YOU specifically think you are more interesting doesn't mean everyone else does, someone who fits your vibe will only realize this but the this is not everyone is your vibe and if u are a person who really wants a girlfriend and you gotta wait 5 years to get a gf you just quit cuz its a waste when men in 1950 could get girlfriend in a month at least then nah women aren't worth it ntm the fact people in general are deceitful and they might just want to manipulate u all and all to be a man looking for a gf its hard and almost impossible for an average man let alone a sub 5 and idc and women dont neither they might care when one day misogyny is more common place then lets say it was 20 years ago cuz like men are getting lonelier by the day and at some point they are majority gonna be more "fuck women" types and it will happen its a mathematical certainty that if something doesnt change men by and large especially young men will be more lonely and if their is more lonely men then more men will start to resent women i said this years ago and ill say it again
@@datboi945Ah yeah, because every girl on the planet is naturally required to throw themselves at you just because you consider yourself to have improved. I'm sure people really care about your little self-esteem reinforcement 😂😂😂
Psychologist here. I completely agree with your assessment of the “therapy” space, and I’ve focused my professional development on doing both counselling AND coaching, depending on what the client needs. It’s bizarre to me that these are seen as separate things in our field. Thanks for putting out all your resources because it’s helped me fill in the gaps of my own skill set.
Thank you for working to take care of people, psychology might become one of the most important jobs, and I hope it will become more easily accessed in the future. Thank you for doing what you do, you're a good person!
20:22 “When you’re least expecting it is when it is most likely to happen”. I have never understood this concept and would enjoy a video on this subject.
@@nightfighter7452Kinda true, i was surprised that some girls i had no interest in in highschool took a liking in me. However when i don't expect things now it doesn't happen no one gives a flying fucks. Anyway it true and false depending on where you stand, and I will die on a hill for saying that those "organic relationship bonding" are real life equivalent of love stories (that girls especially have always liked when growing up by the way) that only attractive people or normies get to live.
When you are not tryharding you are having fun and are most likely to win if anxiety is your major reason for losing a game in general...overthinking, anger, yelling at teammates is all bad and you are going to lose. Some of this also applies to real life
there's no logical reason behind the statement, although if you're anxious about something you're less likely to make it work than if you approach with tranquility and nonchalantness
Enjoy life work on communication and articulating yourself, ubderstand social dynamics and seek to know the person and ubderstand. Know your boundaries, know what you are willing to tolerate, and just have fun.
I feel like part of the problem is people see the advice as being "work on yourself and you will get a girlfriend" rather than "women want to date men who are healthy, confident, happy and secure, so you have to ensure you're those things before you approach dating". Because working on yourself should be done first and foremost for yourself, and not as a means to an end. It feels like people who only see value in working on themselves in terms of how it will improve their dating prospects must have pretty low self-esteem, which is ironically an area that they would also have to work on.
True but I wokmd challenge that with the fact that alot of women don't do remotely any of those self improvement things and still get into relationships quite easy. Which shows an imbalance for sure in how we view men vs women in relationships, an imbalance I wish would become more balanced in a positive way.
@@bb-3653 Are you sure about that though? I can tell you as a single woman, having both single and paired up friends, that getting in a relationship while having baggage as a woman is also very tricky. And even if you manage to get into a relationship, the baggage doesn't magically go away. Making it work requires both parties to be somewhat functional... or you can become a co-dependent and toxic couple, i guess that's also an option. I say this without any negativity, but maybe you're only seeing women's struggles from afar. It's difficult to see people making efforts, and there is also a "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" effect.
It's what I chalk up to as "winning more": when your life is so good that romance falls into your circle without you aiming for it. That others fell into this earlier and easier, thus giving out short sighted romantic advice, dilutes the actual challenge in having a maintained life.
@@bb-3653 But they aren't getting into good relationships, because it's impossible to get into a good relationship if you aren't a good person to get into a relationship with. This is the difference between wanting a relationship to prove something, or wanting the fantasy of a relationship, or just wanting to not be alone, and wanting to find someone you genuinely connect with, knowing that you're both human beings with imperfections but trying to be the best versions of yourself.
@@meko98743 yes but Dr k even argues that you shouldn't wait to be the best version of yourself in pther videos which i agree with, although it can help of course. on the other hand it can be a toxic thing to chase that standard for yourself, as most people won't be the best version of themselves, if anything the best version of yourself will always change, if we mean to have a real sense of self worth and confidence that prevents you from being awkward and making you a better person then sure thing. But alot of people get into relationships without being that peak version of themselves and build up or improve pnce they enter it . Obvs there are issues that can prevent you from entering any relationship, if your too clingy, Insecure, etc etc. Then sure but I think the level of "best version" we think we should Try to reach is honestly unreasonable, before someone then sais "aah yes now I'm ready" alot of people cant really gauge that because even when they have those desirable traits...guess what they can still struggle. Essepcially for men it's like the standard of self confidence isn't really for the man's sake, but moreso for the women to oggle at in her partner whilst not havjng anywhere near the same standards for herself (not saying its womans fault) . So it's a "general sense of confidence" vs a fetishized version of that confidence that alot of men struggle to keep up with, for good reason. And even if both parties should improve, socially people still expect it that men are supposed to be miles greater than the women by comparison in all these aspects, which is just unreasonable in our more progressive age. It's down to socialisation obvs, but it still sucks and it's one of the reasons relationships for men are harder, because they are expected to match hard personal standards half the time. Some of the men who struggle to get into relationships alot of the time are fine as they are, but as Dr k mentioned, still struggle because its outside of their control. (By the way this isn't a hostile message towards you or anything.)
@@venrakdrake try to talk with all kind of people just for the sake of talking with them. It helps. If you don't have any expectation or goal you can relax.
Stop trying to "find someone" and just try connecting with people. Any person. For any reason. Just make human connections. Make acquaintances. Strike up conversations with strangers. You can make these connections through online dating, but first you need to be able to appreciate and connect with people as they are, not who you want them to be.
This is how you build social skills, make friends, network etc... Iron out your weaknesses when the stakes are super low so that its much easier to be comfortable, competent and yourself with romantic interests. You'll be much more able to enjoy the process and find someone worth dating (as you said, when you see them as reality and not mentally going through fallout dialogue trees to get the SUCCESS prompt).
I don't really find any reason to connect with people, which I think is mainly a me thing. It's not that there aren't people to try to connect with, but I find no motivation to try and understand what they like or put out what I like for them to understand, or anything like that. Which is weird because I do have off and on thoughts about having someone that's even just there as another body in the room to feel like I'm with someone, yet I don't ever feel like translating those thoughts to action.
But why would I want to connect with people? I already have satisfying friendships and acquaintances. What I lack is a relationship. I don‘t have any reason to make friends with strangers beyond the ulterior motive of „finding someone“
The sad reality is you don't "get" a partner. Like he said it's like a loot box. You can increase your chances, but you literally never may get one. I think that's the sad part and why it makes everyone pretty sad.
Yeah. A huge portion of life is luck. Very intelligent and wise people of the past knew this. Our societys today cant believe that anymore because you know. yOu CaN dO eVerYthiNG yoU WanT iF yoU jUSt woRk hArD enOuGh!!! Mindeset - issues and such. Sure, sure. And I have to say that psychotherapy is kind of the same. No one will ever tell you that it might take a lifetime to get out of your problems. Or two. Or three. Or never ever. But thats reality for a lot of us.
@@coldshatterhand I feel like that is an unspoken truth about life is that some or lots of people can try very hard but end up living unfulfilling lives filled with loneliness abuse and rejection and very rarely will anyone really care and lots of people will laugh at someone suffering (the germans call this schadenfreude) most will laugh behind someones back later and some really evil people will do it in someones face.
@@coldshatterhand when one who gets out and works on his social skills and at some point finally finds a gf, it aint luck. he took a decision and got a result. now compare that with someone who gave up, never goes out and sticks to his comfort zone. yeah no shit nothings ever happening. also, this has nothing to do with luck as well. its a decision one made. of course, there is no guarantee that IF you go out, you will find someone. but if one gives up and stops trying, then there IS guarantee that nothing will come.
People gamefying relationship like it's a stage you have to clear to get to the next stage is what ruins the charm of forming a relationship with other people for me, it even made me think I was aromantic even though I really do want to have a romantic relationship with someone
im also questioning whether im aromantic. a lot of people seem to have this strong desire to be in a romantic relationship and will go out of their way to be in one (like doing dating), however i dont have a strong need or desire for a romantic relationship at all and i dont put any effort into finding one. i do believe that a romantic relationship would probably be nice (under the circumstances that im not aromantic), however its not a something that i really care about achieving
@@TheFlyfly I’ve had these same thoughts but found that I’m just much more selective and less prone to enthusiasm about dating. Because once I met a certain person the “I would love a relationship with this person” feeling hit as I would expect it does for anything else. So might just also be very selective about who you’d actually want a relationship with?
I've finally accepted I don't trust women, or the idea of 'love', enough to take any of them seriously. They will always be ungrateful children and liabilities to me.
It's quite extraordinary to be able to do such deep introspection, you are definitely able to provide a better romantic relationship after realising how much you actually want it. I believe in you! I actually am aromantic and it took me a long time to figure out (4+ years after a 7 year relationship, she broke up with me, soon two years since the realisation) Those 4 years caused quite a lot of mental distress as i was fighting the pressure to not be lonely and society and friends shouting at me its because I have no gf. Nah it was because I didn't know who I was, I still want to find some fwb essentially, but if romance aint your thing, you can be totally happy without it.
some people legitimately are bad at and don't enjoy trying to start new relationships of any kind but still would actually good at being a friend or partner if they could get past that nebulous initial stage of how? where? who? - for me unfortunately there is very little charm to be had in it and just accepting that I'll be uncomfortable a lot of the time until I get past that part 🙃
"One night we just hooked up"...yeah, listen, that's the part we don't understand. How do you go from "oh she is cool to, oh we just hooked up and decided to stay exclusive". That makes no sense at all. That is like saying, i found this cool job as astronaut, i just applied and now i am on mars. That's not a explanation for the "how" it's just a story.
It's jusr social skills and luck. It's not rocket science. It LITERALLY just happens. There's not really better advice than that, unless you want to try some type of machiavellian, manipulative tactics.
They are mostly either liars or they are bagging bottomfeeders. A lot of these guys literally re sleeping with 2/10 SMV chicks. These are gross & nothing to envy.
@@ArdarailThere actually is better advice than this. It isn’t “just luck”. While you can’t dictate how other people feel about you, it can be heavily influenced. And there are a certain set of characteristics and demeanor that a man can pick up that sleeping with woman much more consistent. The men who struggle typically have some sort of road block or a set of self defeating characteristics. The f-boy all the girls complain about isn’t just “lucky”. He just got lucky with the whole school and all the popular girls? No, he’s behaving in a certain manner. You’re right in saying that it’s not rocket science. But you’re wrong when you say that it’s only luck and little more. And no it’s not all machivalian or manipulative tactics.
you have to be attracted to each other for intimacy to happen if (pardon the pronoun usage) she wants you and you create openings and make it clear you’re available to her she will be intimate with you Chemicals in the body don’t lie Be someone you would bang and keep working towards that goal and someone will try you on
A lot of people especially my friends don’t understand that I can only take so much rejection at a time especially when all my life has been rejection and there hasn’t been any success for me relationship wise. The thing is I’ve tried dating apps and talking to people in real life but sometimes trying and only getting rejected makes my mental health worse. I don’t know how to find the balance of getting out of my comfort zone a healthy amount and doing it so much that it’s harmful.
Everyone can only take so much rejection. That's why the majority of men are now single and no longer interested in dating. We hit our lifetime quota, finally got the message: women find us gross, and that's never going to change. The difference between men and women is that men can withstand a non-zero amount of rejection, whereas women simply die of it
@@Tom-vq2hw I've found out that women don't want men they want one specific man, and that man is specific to that one woman. So all the advice about doing anything is mostly for you and just baseline being a somewhat good human and overall interpersonal relationships
"What needs do you meet by sabotaging yourself" is such a great question to think about. Gotta give this one a lot of thought! Thank you so much for asking it
...but it's very hard to answer on your own. The answers are so counterintuitive and paradoxical that they may not even come to mind, especially when mental disorder skews perception. That's where therapy (also this channel) can really help.
The beginning of Dr. K's talk hits home for me to a great degree. I'm now 40, and the main focus of the vast majority of my life was working towards a relationship - someone to enjoy life with and go through all of life's tribulations with. I have also wanted a kid of my own very much for a long time. Since I was 19 that had been my primary focus. I actually did eventually get into a few relationships, and some of them were great, and each one taught me more about myself, and others. In the end each one of them didn't work out, and then I got back into the same cycle - blaming myself, working on myself, trying to get better, checking more boxes and checking the big boxes harder. Last year I decided to go back to college - again I'm now 40, so it's a bit later in life. Currently that is my primary focus. I still want to find someone, and I still want a child of my own to raise with my partner. I'm starting to feel like I'm dangerously close to not being able to achieve that goal because of my age, I know men can have kids much later, but I also want to be with someone around my age. For now I'm focusing on college and I do feel great about that, but there's this despair that I won't ever achieve the goals I have worked towards for more than half my life.
I could only imagine that sinking feeling you would feel by someone in your position. It sounds like it's been a difficult journey my dear internet stranger. I, too, am in the same position but at 29 and with the same goals, but I have been reflecting on a why I want to start a family. It's funny, but the anime spy X family Helped make me think about this. Upon reflection, I have affirmed my own beliefs of why I want a family and relationship, and what I want to make out of it. I am now more determined and ready than ever haha. I truly believe there is someone out there for everyone! Keep that fire of hope burning big guy! 40 is the new 30 after all 😆
I'm in the same boat, only just turned thirty. Never had a stable relationship though, although a loving, everything bare relationship being the only thing I ever wanted from early teens. I can totally relate to the existential crisis, and hope life would surprise us all with something in the future.
Hey, thanks for sharing. Wish you the best at love and college. Women are less judgy about age of men as long as they like them, don’t see why you wouldn’t score some chick there.
35 and gave up on this idea of ever having a relationship after 10 years of back-to-back rejections, from 20 to 30. I'm done. I've accepted that I am not destined to be in one. Relationships are like car break-ins for me. They happen to other people
ive given up too, because i followed people's advice. ive "accepted loneliness" and worked on myself. so now i neither want or need a girlfriend. and getting a girlfriend would literally be someone taking advantage of everything ive built. why would i do that? its like the only option for men is to grow strong enough so that you can become a luxury doormat instead of a cheap doormat. f*ck all that shit. just get yourself a sugar baby and gaslight/manipulate her. this is the new meta for men. those women could be dating men their age that could really use someone who believes in them, but she wants the made-man. so get yourself a made-woman.
Great. I believe you. So where do you go from here? Maybe start with some heavy drinking, high frequency masturbation, and aggressive outbursts. When that becomes tiresome you'll have to find other ways to entertain yourself.
@@AlexZeBeast The fact you see relationships as a form of entertainment akin to masturbation or drinking shows you have hangups of your own. Someone giving up on love and not troubling anyone about it is a much better person than someone who claims you have to be in one because it's more entertaining than a good wank.
"Five years is not that long of a time" It is when you're 46. Honestly, it just feels like time has ran out for me. I feel like no matter the amount of effort I can possibly pour into myself in order to become a better person, more confident, more outgoing, more fit or whatever, is not going to be enough at this stage in life. The sad matter of fact is I'm way past my prime and past what is needed on the dating market.
I went out and got a girlfriend. It was brutal. I felt like I was both raising a child and also answering to a parent. It was the single most draining thing I've done in 2022 and I had Covid for a whole month!
Thats what a relationship is with girls that got issues. But well.. there are women out there that doesnt have that many mental issues. I said that many.. because all of them will find issues somehow. Its amazing. But good thing is you can now days go out and having casual sex so the whole need of a relationship is not there anymore. Thank god for that. All we need now is regulated prostitution and brothels so onlyfans girls can do more in real life and that we can be more open about what talking to the rich guy on instagram actually is. I think this community needs to hear this
The reality of it is.... Not everyone is going to find someone to spend their life with. Nothing is going to change that. Acceptance relieves the pain and allows you to find meaning in the other aspects of your life. You can't run with no legs, but maybe you can sing like an angel instead. Find your path, not someone elses.
I'm not going to leave this world as an unloved old fart, no way. I'll leave while unloved but relatively young, and that will be my last middle finger.
@@RazorM97 Then give up. If you don't work on yourself because "it doesn't work" then you have no options left. The day, when someone magically stands at your frontdoor and asks you if you want to be happy, will never come. If you don't work for it yourself, your only option is to give up. That's reality
The fact that getting a girlfriend is termed as being able to "get out of it" as if being single is an unnatural state we should not be in - I just think there's already something problematic with that. We're putting unnecessary pressure on ourselves if we look at things that way. There's definitely something we gotta work on within us if we're stuck on this mindset.
It is an innate desire for most people. Though it is interesting to question those who have friends and access to sex being displeased with being single. Sure it might be ideal for both to be one in the same but I don’t see how it’s as big a deal as people make it
Tbf "get out of it" refers more to being perpetually single than being single itself. There's a difference between going hiking and being lost in the woods.
I don't mind being single for the rest of my life. But being single without ever experiencing affection from anyone (other than your closest family) is kinda different. I don't want to be an old man still bitterly wondering about what it's like to be loved or at least liked, that prospect sounds kinda terrifying and sad. This is why I want to "get out of it" -- so that I could finally let go and move on with my life without worrying about it.
This is why I dont understand why men in particular are pressuring themselves into a relationship. Havnt you listened to enough old men on marriage? "Focus on your life first, Love will come second"
I'm a 22-year-old with high-functioning autism. Never been intimate with anyone. I'm touchstarved all the time and it hurts. Also, don't pretend five years isn't a long time. It absolutely is.
I think we all get stuck in a rut some point in our lives, can’t say I have the solution either so all I can say is don’t give up. You have the power to shape your world, custom made for you only, keep learning.
Me too, I switch between I want one, to I don't wanna be alone, to if I get one they'll ruin me, if I marry they'll take everything I have. I think it's trust issues and I don't trust the laws of my country which are biased towards women.
Same. But being stuck in this stage only makes me miserable. So I'm making changes which will improve my life whether I eventually get a gf or not. Better to be attractive and alone than pitiable and alone. The worst part is knowing how f-cked up most women are.
@@Red_Devil_2011 I agree. This modern dating pool is reinforced by terrible social media that we over-consume and manufacture the problem in the worse, unnecessary way possible.
Man's struggle while dating: work hard for over a decade, achieve a perfect body and career, and maybe just maybe by sheer chance you'll get a partner Woman's struggle while dating: weeding out the hundreds of potential partners until you find the one you're willing to settle for It's tiring, really
Yes and don't forget the immense emotional baggage women pile up while burning themselves through these potential partners or even past relationships which didn't work out. Meanwhile men feel completely lost, hopeless and inexistent to most women. It truly is a massive lose-lose situation..
@@123ili generally one gender chooses. The other must become worth choosing. One is significantly harder than the other. Im not saying women are without their own struggles. But pretending that we both have it equally bad is just flat out idiotic at best. Dishonest at worst
It took me 7 years to find a girlfriend after last breakup. a) But first 3 years I didn't want to have a girlfriend. b) Then for 3 years I wanted, but was afraid to do anything in this direction (besides going to therapy). c) Once I stated to actively do something about it, it took me 4 months to find. But! Inbetween b) and c) one lucky even happened, I randomly met a girl which liked me. She didn't want relationships, but that was a huge boost for me. A very-very painful boost, btw.
@@SwordWieldingDuck well, looks like what you say has nothing to do with me and you are the one who is lying to yourself. People can like several people at once, it has nothing to do with relationships. You don't even need to speak with a person to like it. It's just a feeling, a judgment.
You either find a woman who’s physically attracted to you that likes your personality or you don’t. Making the effort to approach and talk to more women objectively increases the odds
This is why those sigma mfs annoy me. Dude, no, there's no "secret" to "scoring bitches" My guy, the reason why you don't "score" is because you make your life's goal to get laid. But the thing is In order for a date to work into a healthy relationship, two people need chemistry. So you gotta keep trying till you find a person who clicks But you can't have chemistry if your entire personality and life goals revolve around dating
Yep. Just interracting and connecting with lots of people for the sake of interaction (like no expectation, just getting to now new people a little bit) and sometimes you genuinely make strong bonds than can turn into a relationship.
@@consciousgentile5141 that's a risk. If you don't talk to anyone you take 0 risk of them disliking you. But is it worth it. Is your goal in life just to not be disliked?
This time Dr k missed the point. The guys who think they will never find a girlfriend are the one who already tried, who already worked on themselves for years. Good looking, non-short guys with good social skills, good friends, a good job and with everything, which worked years and years for achieving all of this stays lonely and get rejected every time they try for some reason. These are the guys who see other guys with less than half of what they have getting one girlfriend after another, and yet we're are still here telling this dudes to keep working on themselves. It is not gonna work, ever
“You can get clinical improvements without clinical interventions” is such an excellent quote. I think this could be applied to many things in society outside the world of therapy.
@@voskresenie- Seriously dating and romance is so much easier in western countries. Here in my country (India) there are schools that doesn't allow talking to girls due to which many guys growing up are very shy infront of girls . Society frowns upon talking to girls and many keep their relationship secret . I lost an opportunity with a girl as she was too worried to be seen with me😑 . Girls here are judged badly if they induldges in dating .
@@debanikgoswami4834 you're talking based on guesswork with extremely limited understanding of the circumstances, not reality. As of 2019, in India, only 26% of men aged 15-29 were single, whereas in the US, 63% of men aged 18-29 were single. If you're single in India and struggling to find a partner, you'd have no hope in the US.
I constantly blabber about not finding relationships, only to realise I've not taken a single step towards finding one on my own. I don't text anyone, just wait. I find dating apps cringe and I don't do shit. Yet I constantly crib about not finding anyone. If you're in my situation - break down what the problem is.
@@nils_perahia I hate taking my own photos. I am in my opinion okay looking, picked up weight and haven't clicked a photo of mine in months. Hence the disdain to dating apps.
@@friedsugar2701 I feel that too, I hate taking pictures of myself. I've been able to take some that I am okay with. One thing that might help it asking people you know to take pictures of you when you spend time with them.
Also the thing with "work on yourself" is that I took it so seriously that I drastically changed my life to the point where I started to actually really like myself as a person to the point where I stopped caring about trying to find a partner because I felt complete as a person. Now I just feel open to the idea of having a partner, but I don't actively seek it and am very happy in life overall. EDIT: lol, somehow I ended up in a gay relationship with another dude
One thing I like about this approach, which I've also embraced over the years, is that I can decide when I'm "available." Right now, I want to continue working on myself as a single man, and I'm in no hurry to get a girlfriend or even lose my virginity for that matter. If one day I run into "the one" and I still don't feel ready, there's always the option to take the relationship slowly. I feel like the best relationships are built and not a result of happenstance, and it's not worth looking for women just to pump and dump or have one-night stands like many of my peers are trying to do.
Chosen SCIM, could you tell us how it exactly looked like? Show a comparison between your life before this change and after? I would die to know what " I drastically changed my life to the point where I started to actually really like myself as a person" means in practice. Big thanks in advance
@@gwiazdapolarna_ Well, from a purely visually standpoint, I went from a person who lived in a messy house with all the dishes pilling up and garbage bags and laundry needing to be done to a person who lives in a clean house and doesn't have all that stuff. I was too depressed to care about cleaning up after myself, but now I very much do care. I also weigh like 20 pounds less and dress nicely. The biggest visual change I think though is that I'm seen smiling a lot now as opposed to before where... well, I guess nobody even really saw me. I actually hang out with my friends now.
@@ChosenOne41 yea same here except i do want a girlfriend eventually, physically i feel great my grades are good i won my first fight i have a part time job and good friends but cant seem to get a girlfriend
In the US today (2023), if you are an average looking man and don't make a lot of money, your chances of dating an attractive woman are quite slim. Dating Apps have ruined everything for the average guy. As time goes on, there will be more single people, less families and less children (which I think is a good thing). I'm glad I didn't have to deal with this dating app crap when I was young. I never would have got a date.
I don't even want a super attractive girl, I'd be happy dating an average girl. My one standard is "don't be fat" because I'm not fat and I'm not going to let myself become fat.
I've known men who most people would consider "chads" struggle to find women to date, and average looking guys who haven't been single most of their adult lives. Being hot and rich helps, but it's not a prerequisite.
I love the college analogy because people always tell you "you need good grades and you will find a job". But actually over here absolutely no one cares about your grades. They care about qualifications. I have good grades and many stores won't even hire me to do sales work.
I think being in relationships help you mature and grow as a person much more than seeking therapy or supposedly trying to 'fix' yourself. With relationships you have real situations and choices you have to make; real failures and successes, thus helping you navigate future relationships better, whereas with therapy you're just hearing the same advice over and over again. Who do you think will have an easier time getting in a relationship - a thirty year old with no relationship experience who's spent his whole life 'working on himself' or a thirty year old who started dating in high school and lived through having relationships and learnt from his mistakes?
Would you find never being in a relationship at 22 is still as bad as it would have been at 30? I am a 22 year old guy who never had a girlfriend before and it bothers me a lot. Btw is a month long enough to know whether someone is interested in me or not? I asked out my childhood friend who is 21 now turning 22 soon but she isn't that active on Instagram so even though she agreed to meet up she haven't replied yet about when we can meet. I have been chatting with this another girl on Instagram since 28th May 2023 and she is 19 now and in 1st year of college and I am in last year of college. We are in different colleges now but we used to be in the same school but didn't know each other in school. So we only have been getting to know each other for a bit over a month. Her college is very near to my home tho. We chat daily and talk about literally everything and we are both foodies too and send each other virtual hugs but there isn't any flirting in the chats yet. It looks like she still sees me as a friend. I wanna ask her out but is 1 month already long enough to know whether she is interested in me or not or does it take longer?
And lots of times people don't learn anything from relationships and end up staying miserable in them or becoming single again only to repeat the cycle
@@manosijroy8282 Try it out, waiting will only give you regrets. 1 month would be enough to ask her out especially if you talked to each other quite often. Never being in a relationship at 22 isn't bad just less common, just be careful cause obviously you'll be inexperienced (tell that you are eventually tho)
If you never learn to be happy with yourself, you'll never be able to learn from mistakes in a relationship. Everything will be your fault because you're worthless in your eyes, but you'll never actually accept responsibility. You'll just call yourself worthless as an excuse, and every relationship will end the same, and you'll never know why until you take the time to step back and work on yourself. Looking at most pervasive problems in relationships, it all boils down to a lack of self esteem or confidence in some direction. (Clinginess, desperation, jealousy, etc)
What i don't like about "working on yourself" is that its so unspecific. What is the goal here? What skills do i need to develop? Where should i put my focus? I feel like its easy to get trapped in "working on yourself" in the wrong areas.
Write down your goals in these areas and the steps you think would help you achieve them. Physical (what do you want your body to look like and be capable of), Financial (what number or assets will make you stop caring about collecting money), Career (do you want to be self employed, do you want to climb the ladder in a buisness), Knowledge (what skills or subjects do you want to be an authority in), Relationships (do you want to spend more time with family, form stronger freindships), Contribution (what cause is important to you and how would you like to contribute to that cause, this could be as simple as donating blood every few months), and Bucket List (things to do before you croak). You also want to identify what your values are. Usually, the actions you can't stand like lying or litering or being told what to do will be how you figure that out. You dont have to complete these to be worthy of a relationship or anything. You just have to have identified the steps and start working towards them and it will make you feel a lot better.
@@maxgucciardi4507 Yeah, I'm not sure if this exact thing here works ofc, since it would take me years to 'test' it, but I like this outline. I think it's more realistic and specific. I go back between wanting a girlfriend and not wanting one, and also wanting maybe a family and not wanting one, but my career goals, physical goals, friendship goals, and bucket list are pretty clear to me.
Are you lean and muscular? Like 13-15% body fat, good big muscular chest, good lat development, big arms and legs and broad shoulders? Do you earn at least 50% above the average salary? Are you bald or balding? Are you at least average height? Can you carry a conversation with a person, in this case a woman?
@@badass6300 bro, he's saying he hasn't been on a single date. it shouldn't be like that for him, irregardless if he's a creature (as long as he's above a 3/10).
Try your hardest to let go of hope and do other things until the point where you can't take it anymore, also isolate yourself from your peers, chances are they can't relate to you in anyway. If your finances allow it buy an rv and live on the road, run away from the past and from people. Don't listen to the self improvement gurus and their fans, they can't relate to you neither, chances are, you made the efforts, you did the work, and it did not work, why keep going this way? You know waiting 1 or 5 years isn't going to work either. Do what you think makes you happy alone.
How many women have you talked to in the last month? Meeting and creating a connection with people in real life often requires persistent interaction over the course of many weeks/months. (True for romantic AND platonic relationships) I met my first girlfriend at work where we saw each other every day for many weeks and got to know each other. Sometimes you can strike it off quickly in a bar/club, but I wouldn't count on it. You can also try dating apps like bumble/hinge, get a friend to take some good pictures.
Regarding "getting out of your head", this is very much like constantly worrying about the score during a game. If you end up focusing on a score or timer instead of playing the game as best as you can, then you no longer playing as well as you can. Thinking about the score detracts from being in the present. It's okay to be aware of the score, but putting focus onto it doesn't help.
"Work on yourself", while there's many people who haven't worked on themselves a day in their life or don't meet even half the things listed at 19:48, and yet they instantly get a gf in the first 8 months of college or have all the sex in the world. For automatic thoughts, what if they're based on constant experiences in life of let down, and it's not the situation where you're thoughts turns into your attitude and perspective, which makes a self fulfilling negative prophecy come true? The automatic thoughts are actually correctly consistently. Sure I'll stop letting my past experiences shape my behavior now, ok then, the negative shit is still happening regardless of how happy and cherry I am. Because even when people do make a post saying they have a healthy amazing relationship and start giving advice. That advice just usually ends up being "work on yourself". I even saw a comment in the video say, "a relationship won't make you auto happy, work on developing your interests, hobbies, and career". But that clearly doesn't work. I have a plenty of hobbies like art and dance, and a bright future in tech. But for example, every girl isn't interested in dance or says they'll be SOOO bad at it. And then don't give a shit about any of my hobbies or future goals.
The first sentence is also what I cant understand. Why do I need to go through difficult times to get a gf while that other random dude gets all of it doing nothing? Thats not fair.
@@thecelebrimbor6875 Because A this person just had luck (but you can increase chances, but not ensure) B this person did the work actually at some other point in their lives. C this person was raised or grow up in away that some of these characteristic developed by ongoing. D this person had luck with being physically attractive So some have luck their entire life, but that are very few. for example a girl i knew, way above average family in wealth, both parents academic, beautiful. and got easily into med school where i had to work hard to get into. She got money from parents i had to work. but than her father divorced her mother, found a younger women and didnt even want to pay any more. she was cut of financially really fast, could get aid from government cause she need documents from her father. she needed to sue her father in the end lost nearly 1 years of med school and nearly had to drop out completely. So to few everything comes with luck and naturally, most have to something very easy and something very hard, and few a fucked by life at every corner. For me with girls, it was C, a little bit of D, and than B later in life. As i was growing up i was neither a ladys man not alone forever guy, i had a girlfriend with 15, didnt work out after some kissing and hanging out for 6 month. Had another girlfriend with 17 for a year, she was my first real love. 3 year later i met my first wife. (So far above average, i always did sports (not gym) but cycling and swimming so was above average fitness, wasnt dumb, and was raised to be unapologetic myself. i did cool stuff like owning a motorcycle, but did uncool things like liking anime and the wrong anime. Try liking sailor moon as a 15 year old boy in the 2005. I wasnt bad ad sports but instead of woodwork and handcrafts, i did knitting, stitching and textilcrafts ("thats so gay") Not all but some girls liked that, because authenticity helps. After the marriage with my first with was good, and than became a car crash after some injuries my and carrier problems as a soldiers my wife got really depressed, my father got cancer, my mom got cancer. in my second half of med school. It took my 4 instead of 2 years completing it. After these 4 year, my wife was okay but we divorced, my father dead, my mother okay, i was burnout and had 280 pounds BMI 39, and was so angry, bitter/zynic all the time. few girls wanted to be near my, i wasnt attractive and the few that did, i pushed away. and in general i wasnt really able to talk to people. i could either just talk for 30min or not respond at all. i took 3-4 year, getting too 190 pounds BMI of 26, letting go of the anger, being able to do normal conversation again. And approaching 30 i was a doctor, i was fit and not fat, had full hair, around 6,1 wasnt and was being able to be around people with out hating them or making them hate me. And around that time another guy in my "chess" club approach me and said i have it easy. Cause i have all the things women like, and being born with it. The guy wasnt dumb but in 10 years never finish university, and was still studying. He never did sports, he was tall. in communication he never adapted to people they always had to adapt to him. He rarely gave praise, but people had to praise him for the smallest feat. Few are have all of the disadvantages like being short, with hormonal disease which keep them fat, have lost their hair in their twenties, are genetically not able to reach above 90 IQ so most can reach a certain stages where there chances are good. But have to do the work, and building on their advantages and compensating their disadvantages. (So first most go through difficult times at some point and did the work) and while life is not fair, and most just get dealt averages hands, you can either play your trump cards and avoid your defaults or cry about it and never play. The Choice is yours, and while working on yourself will be the hardest you have ever done, it will be possibly the most rewarding, just for the inside rewards/effects not even counted the outside rewards like praise, looks, relationship, work life success.
True. My brother met his wife first day of college, they were the only people who thought it might not be fun to drink yourself barely conscious your first night. They didn't share any classes, and they lived a good walking distance apart on campus. But they somehow met. Almost 9 years later, they're married. As stupid as it sounds to hear people say "love comes unexpectedly", it held true for my brother, and I've never seen him happier than with her.
@Bruno Cardoso lol, lots of assumptions being made here 🤣 also, I'm a feminist and I hate drinking and partying. I also hate the idea of hooking up with strangers for myself. However, I don't have problems with men or women who do as long as it's self and consensual. Stay bitter and resentful. I'm sure that will help lol.
Not in a relationship sense, but I can agree that learning to socialize takes YEARS. I'm just getting to a point where a date isn't anxiety inducing, and I'm very proud of myself for talking to some girls I met out and about last weekend. Just being comfortable in yourself to talk to people and deal with rejection is a BIG hurdle to jump when you've been digging yourself into a hole in front of it your entire life. Give it time. And change because you want to feel better. Not because you need people to be a certain thing in your life.
Probably the most widespread and least talked about manifestation of mental illness in modern society is social anxiety. People often claim to have this-that-or-the-other because it makes them feel unique but they just look down on people with clear and apparent social anxiety as immature and possibly dangerous. A lot of those 'creepy' guys out there wouldn't know the first thing about manipulating women. A lot of those 'awkward' and 'annoying' girls out there are just trying everything they can to not feel lonely. It's absolutely insane how many people clearly exhibit signs and symptoms of severe social anxiety and nobody wants to help them. Helping them requires encouraging them to learn to socialize and more importantly, learn to do it comfortably. People don't realize how much more crippling that can be than most other issues because social anxiety is insanely complex and inhibitory and it can breed loneliness and immediate self doubt. Loneliness and over doing it on the self criticism part can breed anything and everything under the sun that could be absolutely detrimental both internally and externally. It can make an amazingly person become horrible or make an optimistic person become broken and downtrodden, unable to see the light that's still left in the world. That's awesome that you're taking the steps to feel comfortable and learn social skills and not backing down because it quite literally does take YEARS to do. That makes you an amazing person in my book any day and there are plenty of others who would always concur. Keep going and don't ever think you are too lost or too far gone in any way shape or form.
@@Dinrog This post is the key though, make friends with girls, don't go for gf status off of the bat, I've been married for 13 years and the worst thing you can do is NOT become friends first.
Was told to work on myself, and concentrate on my own interests. I'm now 38 and in the same position I was 5 years ago. Alone. My own interests are solitary activites. People say not to do things with the specific intention of finding a relationship, so I don't go out, because that would be the only reason I would. There are occasions where I do go out, but the places I do go tend to be predominantly male, and so I can't find anyone there. I'm not interested in having a bunch of friends, just the few I do have are good enough. And when I do go out, I never meet any single women. I don't know how long this can go on for.
Start practicing things that attract women.. Yeah… I know is hard (believe me, having a high IQ f me up more than anything else). I started to do sports and my world changed… It’s not easy, it takes time but its possible.
@@alas6260 This is a stupid cope lol. Men don't even have to "avoid" and "reject" women in the first place. Women aren't the pursuers; they are the pursued. I can guarantee you that every woman you "avoid" didn't even notice that you exist lol.
I used to struggle with anxiety when talking or trying to hit on girls I liked. I'm not telling the stupid sh*t that came out of my mouth because of this. What helped me resolve this falls under the category "working on yourself" but also going one step further by slowly but surely expanding your comfort zone. What worked for me was concentrating solely on having small interactions with girls, random or otherwise, without (and this is super important ) any wish to proceed or escalate things. I basically removed the stakes so I can focus on improvement and not on outcome. I started with girls that I had 0 desire to date and got to girls that at the time I thought were way out of my league. The interactions also evolved from "Hi what's the time? I forgot my phone at home." to getting bonus points for saying something witty and making them smile or maintaining a pleasnt, unintrusive eye contact longer etc. It worked so well I took this step by step apprach in most aspects of my life and now this is how I teach my kids to start and progress in topics that seem daunting and scary. Hope this helps someone ✌️
I like that. I won't speak on the Women's side of the matter because I'm just a guy but a lot of guys grow up not having been taught how to interact with girls without being awkward or coming across as creepy. You just have to learn it, step by step, little by little and never reject kindness and respect as you've eased into it.
When are you all gonna learn that women are nothing but wh 00 res who use you and only like you for what you have or what you look like? Every single one of them can get any guy they want and they know this. They only want tall good-looking guys with money. If that's not you, then you're screwed, and you're gonna be alone until you die, just like me.
Man I’m fucking tired of watching my friends fall into actually committed relationships when they have no interest in starting a family and I’m just sidelined
@@cindyl3297 same thing i always have - keep myself open, be as confident/ outgoing as can, try to meet people and talk to them see if anything clicks.
Met someone online who seemed cool the other week and we both went to an event yesterday. They turned out to be super sweet and we're absolutely going to keep dating. Everything felt super natural and not at all awkward which is the first that's ever been
“When you least expect it is when it will happen” Well let me clarify what that really means from the perspective of someone who doesnt have a social circle and doesn’t go out much. When you are around people just hanging out and not expecting a relationship it will happen. My first thought is- why in Gods name would you note expect something to happen if you are actually out around people and hanging out with them? When I “least expect it” I’m sitting in my room alone playing games or watching shows. That’s my life. Maybe a “normal” Americans life is different because they do things regularly that are extremely out of the ordinary for me. Things like going to bars or clubs or a kickback at someone’s house.
I think the point is once you start improving yourself and getting yourself out there without the constant expectance of a relationship, just enjoying yourself/life etc it will eventually happen. Because that mindset and confidence will attract women.
@@BleaK1211 no. You need also a lifestyle that involves meeting a lot of new people and encourages communication with them. Otherwise, there is simply no room for anything to happen.
It's interesting because I've been tackling a lot of self-growth, but haven't been "successful" in finding a partner. Your video slapped me with a cold reality: my social network is one of the key factors which limits my potential. Time to reflect and try to embrace new hobbies/interests which involve group environments. I really appreciate this video, and hope others can find the light at the end of the tunnel.
The problem is most women aren't into hobbies at the same rate as men because they have an easier time being in relationships. They don't have to fill up their time with hobbies or self improve too much because they get emotional fulfillment and validation easier than men. Very few men get compliments, praise, or asked out. Women got equal rights, but choose not to exercise them at the detriment to men. Women need to step up and actually behave like equals otherwise it's just a downward spiral for men's mental health and that negatively affects everyone.
When are you all gonna learn that women are nothing but wh 00 res who use you and only like you for what you have or what you look like? Every single one of them can get any guy they want and they know this. They only want tall good-looking guys with money. If that's not you, then you're screwed, and you're gonna be alone until you die, just like me.
@@D3xterJettster My personal experience is that women are in general similarly interested in hobbies & free time activities as men are. Having a relationship does not mean you don't have time for hobbies or interests, that's what having kids do to you, not specifically having a relationship. Men & women do however happen to center around different hobbies & interests i.e. male dominated vs female dominated hobbies & interests, along with some more neutral ones I suppose. I took up dancing, specifically adult class ballet(take a big guess whether it's female dominated or not), and I was one out of two males between both newbie, intermediate & adult courses, perhaps a 1:40 ratio male/female. Try doing some introspection: write down your hobbies, and write down whether you think they'r male/female dominated /neutral, then make a headcount of the people you know within these hobbies & their genders, and see if that ratio matches your initial idea of where that hobby exists in the 'gendersphere'. This might get you a better idea of why you think women don't have hobbies as often as men.
when i was looking i got nowhere. when i don't try i get nowhere. being myself didn't work. working on myself didn't work. 34 year old virgin. i'm done.
I've come to the realization that I could easily get a girlfriend. Do I want one? Yes. Would it actually be really easy? Yes. Does settling for easy ensure my needs are met? No. So at this point I don't actively seek it, when it happens it happens, I've already had two long term relationships and another will come.
Literally just what I do and I'm shocked that I get any attention whatsoever. Kinda reminds me of how the cats surrounding my house seem to love me even though i pay them no attention.
I used to be very lonely and while I'm not completely out of that hole yet, I think I have a better perspective now. I realized that I could get A girlfriend if I wanted, but would I be happy? Probably not. I realized that if I want a gf while having reasonable standards, I can't just settle for anyone. This leads me to think that if I want to solve my problem of loneliness with a GOOD relationship, the best way to do that is actually just to let it happen naturally. It's not about "just let it happen naturally bro, that's the best way to get a girl", it's more like if you try to force a relationship, it'll most likely not be a great one
I'm proud of you for beginning to break the mindset. You give me hope for future men. It's important to not let others' opinions of you affect your self-value, because people are temporary--you're stuck with yourself for the rest of your life. A good tip when you're in a stable state of mind is to be open to some criticism (from any gender) so that you can build a better version of yourself and keep your ego in check. Best of luck to you! ;)
The technicality is that you need to find a person pleasant, in order to be able for yourself to move forward and for them to move forward as well. You can't make friend with people who makes you feel uncomfortable, or people wouldnt want to be your friend if you make them feel uncomfortable (aka the company both sides provide to each other). It's the same with romantic relationship, as they are of the same scope.
@@Elfyja that's why you need to find a person pleasant to be with. Here's the thing, people change, all the time. So if you find yourself pleasant around a person, you will be surprised to see that you are willing to put up with their changed personality and perspective easier than a person you found annoying, or at least not pleasant to be around.
@@lethanglong6979 would you give people a second chance if they cheated on you or scammed you, because they changed? or does changing only apply to you as in I and other's of not a past relationship?
Why is it so hard finding a therapist like you omg ?! In a previous video you have been saying that bad therapists are the ones that don’t adapt their knowledge to you but I’ve been watching your videos for a while and you have been SPOT ON ! It’s like you know my life and how my own brain works without you ever needing to hear me talk Thank you for this channel ! It really does make a difference and my life a lot easier ❤
I feel very similar. This channel is so different than other ones; they don't try to tell you what to do they tell you how things are according to their experience with people that have been in the same situation. I feel so much validated and also that I'm not the only one struggling with specific aspects of life.
I actually disagree with working on yourself with the aim to get a relationship, just work on yourself for yourself but your 2nd mission should also be to have a friends circle for you to go do stuff with because that's the key to find a partner. You make friends, you meet friends of your friends, go to their birthday to maybe even meet the family and those are the moments where you can actually meet someone and form a bond with someone.
I agree the more people you meet and become friends with the more your social circle grows you get invited out more and increases your chances of finding someone problem is getting over the fear of socialization for many young people today
When you mention those core beliefs, I also immediately applied it to friendships... as I usually have a "oh no, they're abandoning me because they came dislike me based no what I said" response that happens when they're busy or haven't had the time to talk to you in a bit. Childhood issues of rejection and losing friends because of autism being my case. It's always good to challenge those beliefs
I felt quite a bit like that when I was younger because some of my friends ditched me when I was twelve and I didn't understood why. So I had a core belief that people can suddenly get bored with me and stop liking me with no warnings.
@@cepahreinholt8710wow man you just made me realize..... my original "best friend" in late elementary and middle school, around the age of 12 or 13 abandoned me. We used to walk home from school everyday for years. Sleepovers multiple times a week gaming all night. Spent so much time together. Then one day I got out of school and he was walking way far ahead of me. Not waiting. I tried to catch up but he just walked faster. One day I did catch up and we talked a bit but got outside his house and didn't let me come over and I never was in his house again. In retrospect he started smoking weed with thebpopular kids and thought he was too cool for me, and didn't wanna be seen with me bevause I was a bit of a nerd and also not cool with drugs. Ironically bevause I have done hundreds of different ones at this point literally. But I just realized that's kinda where it started. I always wondered why he stopped liking me. I didn't consciously think about this too much but in retrospect it was a really big memory that made me feel like people could seem to really like me and then just disappear seemingly out of nowhere.
Self improvement often leads into the trap of believing that you are only deserving of love and a relationship if you fullfil certain standarts. That seems toxic as well.
This is what happened to me and only lead to a giant heap of resentment towards Society™and dating culture as a whole. Gotta puff up your chest and keep that gut held in ad infinitum because your 'baseline self' will never be good enough.
people who consume self-improvement content are generally in a down point part of their life, why else would they look for it? so, at worse you still become a slight better version of yourself.
I don't think it's toxic. Just a fact of life. Relationships are not unconditional. It matters what the other person wants. Different people have different standards but standards are always there.
I lightly disagree. People are allowed to have standards, and if it's a tall order for you to meet these standards, then you may not have been meant to be romantically loved.
Well, everyone has standards, but most ppl i meet set their bars really high. Especially those who are less social and alone most of the time. So for me its rather toxic to only find ppl desirable that most other ppl find desirable.
I think the *core* acceptance I had to realize was there are ZERO guarantees. You don’t follow a relationship plan like a recipe and eventually you WILL find a relationship. Life doesn’t work that way. Here’s the first “secret” I had to accept: You MAY die alone and never find someone. Despite all your effort. Period. Terrifying thought. But once I started to accept that, I could let go of the all-consuming fear of loneliness and start to direct all that energy into trying to build a life of contentedness (and maybe, if I’m lucky, HAPPINESS) that is completely *independent* of some other person. Do I want a partner? 100%. Will I find one? I hope so. But life doesn’t guarantee me *anything* but an eventual death. It doesn’t guarantee you anything, either. So stop assuming it does. Keep working on yourself, keep growing, keep hoping, keep dating (or not), keep trying. But don’t let relationships-both the pursuit of OR the fear of never attaining-consume you. 38, gay dude (Conservative too, so fuck my already LOW odds, eh? 😂), autistic, struggle to make friends, battling depression and anxiety daily, still never been in a relationship. But I’m probably the most *at peace* and content now than I’ve ever been.
Completely agree. That's why it's important to find joy or that underlying happiness that is independent of having a significant other. Once you have that then you are golden either way and you can just treat dating as a fun experience you can have. I find that when you aren't putting so much pressure on yourself and treat dating as trying to have a good time generally it goes better in my experience. Granted everyone's experience can vary. Also doesn't help that alot of the cliche advice is correct but at the same time not super helpful. I mean they are pointing at a hard at explain concept that can't really be put into words. It's funny when you have the light bulb moment after you get the idea and realize what people were trying to tell you but couldn't understand just from what they said. It's like the saying just be confident or be yourself. I mean it seems like and easy concept but at the same time how the heck do you just be yourself? That is an incredibly vague thing to say and not something alot of people can understand how to do same with be confident. That said both are incredibly true pieces of advice.
Man that's inspiring. Thank you, I needed to hear that. I think that's already what I've been doing subconsciously, like... I'm 25 soon to be 26, and the last time I had a meaningful relationship was 2 and half years ago, and a meaningful one that actually lasted, well that goes back to 10 years ago. Safe to say I'm not really the most experienced with dating and relationships. And these last 4 years, I think I kinda got to a point somwhere between giving up and coming to terms with the fact that I might totally be single for the rest of my life. I'm clearly not there by choice, so sometimes loneliness and even resentment comes back to bite me, but I think I got past the the point of dwelling on it and being desperate. I still try every now and then to get closer to a girl (am straight) and see where things go, but my expectations have dropped to 0 because I just know I'm in no position to be expecting anything. So yeah, all this to say, it feels good knowing I'm not alone and that I'm doing the right thing.
I went 28 years without a gf. I gave up on the dating apps. I just thought I wasn't that attractive despite "working on myself" and being relatively social. One day I went to the temple fror music classes and ended up falling for the girl siting at the reception desk. She was teaching my classes and eventually I asked her out and things worked out. 3 years later we are now getting married. I wasn't looking for love and found it in a holy place...not a bar/club where I had been searching for years with no luck. My 2 cents, go out there and do social activities that help you make more friends. Keep doing it. You got this!
My problem with this viewpoint is that it's ignoring the very real fact that a ton of people who want girlfriends actually just never get one. Ending up alone for your entire life when you desire a relationship is a very real thing that happens to a lot of people. Statistically, some people just are unlovable, or unlucky enough to never cross paths with those who could love them. If your idea is that relationships comes when you're not looking, then you're at the mercy of whichever people life throws in your path, and it's very possible that none of those people will ever love you.
This just seems so real, it's like I have seem those people and often find myself on the same path, but I have to remind myself that I am still young and have a lot time. I have been saying this since my teenage years........
Yeah I have thought about this before and I think if i end up still being alone at an older age (not sure what age exactly) I'd probably end up going to one of those countries that have legalized euthanasia. Extreme, I know. But if I grew up valuing family and wanted one of my own and could never fulfill that, then life would be hollow at that point. But I'm youngish still so we shall see
I'm 24 and it kills me that I didn't experience teenage romance. Even if I get into a relationship now, every girl out there is going to be far more experienced than I am, and I figure the only hope I have is to spend just a short time with a girl and leave before my bitterness inevitably rises to the surface and destroys the relationship. Maybe I actually need to do this and just cause as much destruction as possible so that I can actually feel something. As a teenager I wouldn't have had to work a tenth as hard as I do now to get a girlfriend, and the memories would have been a hundred times fonder. I just wonder what the point is working my ass off this late in life for a much lower reward, not to mention trying with my boring and self-centered personality.
@@zookaton2940 I also used to think it was just hollywood lies, but now I don't think it's supposed to be a peak. I think it was supposed to be the starting point.
Teenage love? What's so good about that? Not having free time to see each other and the only free time you spend with each other includes toothy BJs and 2 minutes of inexperienced sex? I see 0 appeal of it.
ive been "working on myself" for almost 20 years with nothing to show for it that make me happy. Im a better person but that hasn't helped me almost at all in many things, especially relationships
If working on yourself hasn't made you happy, perhaps ypu haven't been working on the right things? After all, what's really the point if you feel like that?
Dating is like the stock market. You can do everything right and lose. You can do everything wrong and win. But doing things right increases your chances of winning. For me, the biggest struggle is not getting too tilted while opening the lootboxes. :(
The thing i dont get though is that most people i know that are in relationships are serial daters. For the past 10 years they have been in long term relationships with multiple people and never go more than 3 months without finding someone new. Dr.k says these things take time. But it doesn't seem that way for them.
Realize that they never work though. My ex was like this. They had long relationships with people who mistreated them. I come along and treat them normally and it ends in 2 months. Go fucking figure man. And no I wasn’t perfect in the relationship but we had chemistry and I was understanding. I never raised my voice, I never mistreated them. It just happens
My experience: I started this self-improvement thing in 2021, then I had a chance for a relationship in April in 2022, also a lot of things happened then, I've got a job, a new car, and that girl turned out to be very narccissistic, but this relationship forced me to make a big leap ahead especially in my looks and behaviour. Then I had more serious relationship, immadiately after the previous one with my old class mate. After one month she turned out to be toxic too, she became totally uninterested (but it was problem with her messed mind, not mine), then she tried to prove how cools she is by posting hundreds of photos of her "having fun" but she's gone silent now. All of it showed me that I should be looking for someone who trurly respects me.
When are you all gonna learn that women are nothing but wh 00 res who use you and only like you for what you have or what you look like? Every single one of them can get any guy they want and they know this. They only want tall good-looking guys with money. If that's not you, then you're screwed, and you're gonna be alone until you die, just like me.
Work on yourself all you want. There will always be someone taller, funnier, better looking, bigger, more tattoos and money, and women know this. This is coming from a guy that never played video games - I body build, train kickboxing, Boulder, hike, work in television, have my own place and car and savings. I tried dating apps and in person and it’ll never happen. You can work on yourself as much as you can and I guarantee you it will not make a difference. I’ve slept with a lot of women and am the best version of myself. You are not missing out on anything. I want to disappear into my apartment and never be seen again
Nothing about kind, empathetic, nurturing, being complex and not some “outdoors guy” stereotype. Just saying why would I want someone that views the world that way.
I s2g it's part of being terminally online where people think they gotta grind achievements and one of them is "get gf", also this fear of missing out as though if you havent done that by a certain time it means you're washed. Life isn't a video game
I've prolly spent most of my time in the last 2 decades being in romantic relationships, currently in a 9 year marriage with no kids. The experience is as thus: i stumbled through it. You could pull the winning ticket and still eat shit. I found that not properly managing my own mental and physical health left me to deal with relationships that were inevitably toxic, or at times self-sabotaged. So even if you get the "prize" you need to work on your shit anyways. Otherwise its going to suck. Eventually the work pays off. Also I think pickup lines are great for satire.
Very much an underrated comment! & yes, the pick up lines are horrible. They come off as tacky & putting in minimal effort which not only sets the precedent of what to expect from them, but can feel borderline degrading on the receiving end.
@@linojvni2038 As its been said. Its not even about that. Its about being good to yourself first. And then things will happen eventually. But maybe they wont. Maybe youll die tomorrow because of an accident or whatever.🤷♀
You will never have a girlfriend, for the rest of your life. Where do you go from there? (after heavy drinking, excessive masturbation, and angry outbursts.) Is it possible to have a powerful and fun life without it? I have no clue.
@@AlexZeBeastThis isn’t really about a girlfriend, I could care less at this point. But the the state of my life is not correlated to my mental state. Even when my life continues to improve, my mental state continues to get worse over time. Nothing I do makes it slow down or turn around. It is not related to anything I actually do, I’m just fucked.
@@bunsenn5064perhaps you need professional help and medication. Or a complete and drastic change in your life. Trying the same thing over and over and getting the same results is not helping anyone.
I found it interesting when Dr. K said no one would watch/read about a person who was communicating how awesome their relationship is. It hit me that things work a bit differently for other aspects of life. Generally, if you want to get good at something, you watch and learn from people who are good at it. That way you imprint the skilled persons habits and beliefs onto yourself. If you don't believe that you're lovable, then surrounding yourself with people who believe they are lovable would start to rub off on you.
problem is, what sort of people have a large, diverse set of experiences to draw from in determining how to enter a relationship? People who can't stay in one.
@@sunsundks3891 Yet what does all the advice out there focus on? In contrast, when you ask people in healthy, long term relationships how it started, you usually get some flavour of coincidence. After all, what do they know about entering relationships? Last time they did it was years ago.
I'm 6 months out of a failed engagement, ADHD, and horrifically burned out.... If I hadn't had success with women through my life already, I could be easily convinced that finding another woman would be entirely impossible. I'm already standing on the ledge of that conviction, and I know better! I cannot imagine the struggle for men (or women) who are situated similarly in life (28, single, poor financial standing, living at home) but haven't had positive experience with the opposite sex... I'm lucky to know that it's possible and that women have found, or do find, me attractive... occasionally.. 😅
why is it always the man's responsibility to spend X amount of years crafting himself into an ultra-desirable vessel to get a woman who wouldnt even look in his direction otherwise? why is the underlying assumption always that the men arent good enough? and for what? what are we making this sacrifice for? just to get the attention of some narcissist who hates men and considers you to be "the exception" until you make a small mistake and suddenly she decides you're the worst thing that ever happened to her. maybe its the women who have unrealistic standards and need to bring themselves back down to earth.
@@frogery that seems like kind of a double standard to me, if I went out into the dating world and just did whatever my biology tells me to, I wouldnt get very far, and nobody, including other men, would ever accept biology as a justification for my poor behaviors. plus, selection can be towards any number of different criteria. these days women generally dont select men who will stick around to take care of the offspring because those guys are generally less attractive and more boring. there are exceptions of course, but most women are only genuinely interested in the men who are unrealistically beautiful, and consider anything less than that to be "settling for less than I deserve". women have exponentially more options when it comes to mate selection, so they select the ones at the very top, and compete for them, but the more they do this the less of them are going to be happy in the long run, because they vastly outnumber the kind of guys they want. there arent enough Chads to go around. for both of our long term health, women's unrealistic standards have to come down.
@@frogery Easier said than done. I'm not attractive enough to be able to just "meet some women" whenever I want to. I consider myself lucky to not be spit at when I try to talk to women I don't know. I cant recount to you just how many times I've been insulted for trying. I'm on dating apps too, I'll get 1 match a week and its usually a bot telling me to follow them on IG. so if you know any women who'd like to meet me and change my perception on this, by all means send them my way.
@@frogery matriarchy (females selecting) is the exception rather than the rule throughout human history. Educate yourself before you start spewing nonsense.
If it makes u feel any better, I’m pretty sure it goes both ways, at least sometimes. Like there are the cocky/annoying girls who think they’re “queens” just for being born, but personally, I don’t feel like I deserve a bf rn at all. I know I need to lose weight, build a better income, & move out of my parents house in order to find a guy who would ever even consider wanting to date me. & I might never succeed in those goals & therefore I might never find love, but that’ll be my own fault and I recognize that. Overall, I think a meaningful relationship won’t just fall into your lap regardless of gender-it takes a lot of time and work on both parties
Take the BlackPill, guys, it's not even a RedPill now in 2023. Game over, just accept the rules and try to focus on achieving other things in life. In the end, it's much better to be alone with money, developed hobbies, in good shape and good mental health, rather alone and without all of it. Be stoic, my friends.
I've came to the conclusion that luck/fate is the base determiner of getting into a relationship. It's like the lottery, so if you create more opportunities to meet new people, that increases the chance you'll find someone. Obviously, your chance can be increased by bettering yourself in many ways, intellectually, physically, and more, but it's still chance, which means there's no certainty of getting into a relationship. I've been single for 22 years, so yeah... However, "bettering" yourself and developing a stronger outward identity can actually decrease your chance if your interests or beliefs are uncommon. For example, if someone "betters" themselves by working out more and not watching or liking TV and video games anymore, that can possibly hurt their chances because there's so many people who have video games and TV as their main or only hobbies. I exercise through running, calisthenics, and I love to explore nature, which actually turns off a lot of people even though it's really healthy and "good." It's annoying because it felt like I had more options when I was lazier.
I'm a patient that stopped therapy after one session after multiple suggestions to go, though not with your coaching group, the reason was in part due to scheduling conflicts, but also I didn't fight very hard for it was because my therapist was... The best way I could describe it is that they were looking at a puzzle for them to solve, rather than a person with real pains. Watching them gave me the impression they were trying to figure out which cliche or diagnosis I'd fit under so they could give that specific treatment plan... It felt... Emotionless? Distant? Like it lacked intimacy? Like the person was going down a checklist of questions and -I- didn't matter to them. I want a friend who's emotionally available to talk to, not a doctor that studies emotions from a distant, clinical perspective. I have to say, your videos put things into a lot clearer and more relatable perspectives.
They boiled it down to a business process. It's like a call center for mental health, they ask you what the problem is and look through their script on what to do next. It's effective if you want to have expand your business with minimal risk, which is to hire groups of people to be receptacles to the people who want your help, then streamline the process by telling them what to say, and train them on behaviors to show and how to respond to what the mental health customers tell you about themselves. Actual psychiatrists aren't all better either. I went to one in her office regularly for about a month and all she did was ask me "do you have friends?" "do you want to have friends" type questions. Got me nowhere. My experience with Better Help is similar to what you've outlined. While the therapist did give me insightful information, by the fourth hour long session he was just typing away at the computer fulfilling another task or maybe doing a side hustle while asking me open ended questions to fill the time. These experiences made me realize that nobody is truly capable of helping you. All you can do is just process things by yourself and occasionally look around for a different perspective to expand your mind and point of view and get different ideas. Never paying for therapy ever again.
Not even the white part, lots of white women love black and Asian men. But for the rest of it, yes. Either be on their level or be WAY above their level. Not a lot of hope for the middle ground.
The reality is some of us are going to die alone and theres nothing we can do about it. Women dont need men anymore and they arent settling for just anyone. Ive had to accept this reality and trying to find a life worth living alone
