I'm Not Masculine Enough 

"Real confidence, real belief in yourself, comes from surviving failure. NOT succeeding." Damn, that hit hard.

“Women aren’t Pokémon, you can’t attract them all” THANK. YOU.

“Trying to live your life based on generalizations is generally a bad idea”

With the subject matter, the timestamp called "breeding insecurity" killed me. Like, are we breeding insecurity or are we insecure about being breedable.

"NO DATING NO DATING NO DATING WHY ARENT YOU MARRIED??" made me chuckle ngl

Men, I'd like to leave you with one thought. A "true man", by your own standards, isn't the guy who shames you at the gym or laughs at someone for trying. It's the guy that comes over, talks to you in a friendly way, encourages and lifts you up for getting started and facing your fears, and offers to give you advice and encourage you in any way he can if you'd like it. A man isn't dominating, a man is uplifting. A man isn't pushing others down the hill to feel above, he's lifting others up because he wants others to feel the health and confidence and joy he worked on to find in himself. Now think about the voice in you. The one that always questions whether what you're doing is masculine. Which voice is that? Is it actually a voice of masculinity, encouraging and uplifting you towards whatever your goals are? Or is it a voice of fear, insecurity, and shame, discouraging you for your interests, putting you down for not being who you think you should be, etc.? The point is this: there is nothing masculine in shaming yourself into trying to be masculine. A healthy man isn't one who shames himself into trying to meet an unreasonable standard of dominance all the time. The voice in your head is the OPPOSITE of healthy masculinity. It tears down, lies, demotivates and discourages. Don't listen to that voice that says "you aren't good enough." Find the voice that says "you can be whatever you want to be." Follow that voice until you find that it is YOUR voice - and then share it with others. In finding true, healthy masculinity, you can help others break out of shame and discover their own healthy confidence too. You've got this, kings & queens. Remember, if you wouldn't talk to a loved one that way, don't talk to yourself that way. Be your own biggest fan, motivator, and coach. **Become the father to yourself that you always would've wanted.**

I think "stop caring" is just bad phrasing even if the intent is good. "stop letting random third-party remarks/opinions/attitudes steal your joy or rob you of your confidence" is closer but it's not exactly bumper sticker material. I think OP is right to desire more confidence and desirability, especially through cultivating more mental resilience. "being more masculine" is a fine goal for a young man as long as you don't fall into the trap of slavishly mimicking some self-help guru's advice or acting out of fear.

I strongly feel that even though "not caring" seems like a strength, it's more like an act of avoidance. Actually strong personality listens to people but is not affraid to have an opinion. Therefore not giving a f is flight strategy. Not predators but prey. Caring what people say about you without being fragile and insecure seems stronger.

I feel this advice is often misinterpreted. When a person is told to not care what other people think, they often assume this means they should become cold and uncaring for other people's feelings and thoughts. What I personally would consider the better interpretation is that you should shamelessly be yourself. Yeah you're an emotional person, so what? Don't let anyone tell you that you're wrong for being that way. If being emotional is a big part of who you are, embrace it and improve yourself by using that trait in positive ways.

Dude, look. You hear about how cool it is to not care…know what that actually looks like? I didn’t care as a teen. I walked around in $5 sweaters and baggy pants that often had stains. I always had greasy hair and usually had bad breath because I didn’t shower or moderate my use of garlic. I slouched my back. My hair was a bowl cut and I didn’t give an f. I never washed my shoes. I didn’t talk to most people because I didn’t care about making a good impression. The people I talked to I said *exactly* what I thought. I had exactly 0 friends. And A LOT of enemies. People thought I was both a train wreck and an arrogant asshole. THIS is what happens when you actually don’t give a fuck. There’s a reason people do give a fuck. It’s because it fucking works.

I feel people with no confidence think confidence is "having a certainty that you wont fail", and in my experience, confidence is VERY far away from that. Confidence, in my experience, is *knowing* that even if you fail in the most miserable way, you'll still recover and carry on, sometimes even becoming stronger/wiser for it. Also, it's sad seeing my hetero friends (to a lesser extent, gay friends as well...) trying so hard to be "masculine" for other people. Is like trying to put on a mask of someone you're not to have a partner, which whom you might spend the rest of your fucking life. Imagine spending your whole fucking life wearing a mask.

I'm a little older than most here, at 43, but I've absorbed too much from society, and a lifetime of isolation, and I still struggle with a lot of these things. There's so much to handle these days if you have zero support system, no physician for 20 years, and no mental health professional. People tell me "don't worry about the cost, don't let money stop you" what does that mean? Stiff every Dr in town until you're blacklisted? I had next to no adult modeling in my childhood, raised by a single working mom in the 80s.

I feel this way to an extreme. Literally feels like he’s talking about me. I went through borderline everything that the OP went through. Even now I still have a hard time with my masculinity and conveying sexual intention. Your childhood can really cripple you if you don’t experience certain things

Recently a new coworker was employed to my company. I could've sworn he was gay because everything about him would've made you assume that. He had the most androgynous gestures, a very high pitched voice and talked like a stereotypical homosexual. Dude's got a beautiful/hot lookin GF and I was single my entire life 😂

"Do it for you, not for them!" THANK YOU! I see too many people thinking "getting girls" is an outcome and trying to do everything to achieve that goal, instead of just enjoying their own lives, which makes them more attractive

I'm 27, studying computer engineering as well, just got my first girlfriend. Im the opposite of a macho. She digs it. Not everyone wants a super masculine man. The one thing that is a necessity though, be yourself and be honest. Never put up facade because you think it is what women want

I was once told by a woman that I wasn’t confident enough, and two months later I was told I was overconfident, so in the end I just smoke weed and play gran turismo

I only discovered this channel like a month ago and the HUGE difference it has made on my life already is immeasurable. Thank you SOOOOO much for your work. I appreciate it endlessly.

The mark manson book, I assume is Model, didn't enforce masculinity to be the main trait for attractiveness It actually tells you to be un needy, and the result are simply confident people that exerts high status and attractiveness. The book also tells you all of this can only be achieved by being honest with yourself, your intention, your action, AND your lifestyle So it actually encourage all manner of people to be attractive in their own way. To have a caring personality in a way is also a form of masculine attractiveness, as Dr. K stated a lot of women mainly cares on emotional connection. That is, as long as you can bare your truth and good values

"Confidence comes from failure." is completely misunderstanding the subject. Failure MUST be followed by success within a REASONABLE amount of time and effort, and that amount largely depends on the person, but objectively, it's going to be, "Before the person feels they've wasted their life trying." A person can only take so much failure before they suffer traumatic psychological damage and enter a state of depression and despair, and that can vary depending on how much that thing that has been failed is valued not only by the person but also society. This just creates a new series of problems to overcome. And once you hit that point, you need therapy, and medication, and new methods of self-care, etc. At which point you've also become even more of a failure in your own eyes and in the eyes of many people, because let's face it, men are seen as less when we have emotional problems by society as a whole. Our problems are not simply tossed aside, but we are also ridiculed for them. Especially emotional problems. There is a hard limit for EVERYONE where failure stops being a teacher and simply becomes a prison. And then there's the undisputable fact that *not everyone has or can get what they need to succeed*, especially with relationships, because while there are always other fish in the ocean, you can only ever fish for so many in your lifetime, and sometimes you just don't have the tools you need to go fishing.

That segment about confidence coming from adversity/failure really resonated with me. I am a first-gen South Asian woman, who never really did well in high school (I got consistent Cs and Bs in a lot of my AP/IB classes) and I went into pre-med even with my mediocre grades and *hated* it. Hated the environment, the pressure, the professors who cared less about your success and more about themselves, all of it. I ended up graduating with my fall-back major in a liberal arts subject and struggled to find work for a long time. This was all on top of dealing with complicated family dynamics (staying at home and being religiously abused). I finally got my shit together, got out, and worked a dead-end job to make ends meet, but I finally understand where the confidence comes from. I feel more assured in my choices, taking matters into my own hands and giving myself the freedom to choose what I want to study and pursue it wholeheartedly. Thanks for a really good segment :)

I relate on too many levels to this individual in the post. Although, I'm now 30 and I've been rejected every time somewhere between 50-55 different women. Friends of friends, co-workers, bars, dating apps, online games, classmates. Where is my confidence? When do I catch up? I've done nothing but study self improvement all of my 20's. Do something about it I have, plenty and then some. How much more patience am I supposed to have? I've reached the conclusion that I will not have a partner or family in this life. So exciting, can't wait to see what's in store for me!..... I appreciate the tips and advice Dr. But everything you've suggested has been applied and nothing but failure. 0 resentment towards anyone but myself. I'm the only one to blame for not being able to build social social skills whatsoever. Cannot shake being insanely awkward. Just the way she goes........

I'm really starting to understand how much I lucked out on the "masculine" topic. I would describe myself as a pretty average straight dude but I don't spend any time of day thinking about masculinity as a goal or topic or philosophy. I have like 2 or 3 traits some people would probably call feminine but I never cared and neither has anyone I've interacted with on a regular basis, including people in the military that I work with. It's just always been a non-issue.

Once you realize nobody else sees your insecurities like you do because they're not in your brain 24/7 like you are, it becomes easier. It takes off all the mostly self imposed weight you put on yourself.

2:26 Dont people realize that you can be a geeky computer guy and still be masculine + fit (appearance wise)??

What women say they want is not the same as what they are attracted to.

"One of the cruelest things you can do to a group of people, who've been the best their entire life, is to suddenly make them average." Truth, and hence why I now believe that our education system is a failure

That bit about not feeling proud of my accomplishments hit me right in the gut. I hope Dr. K makes a video where he explores what causes people to not feel proud of their accomplishments and how to work that out.

"Chances are if you stop caring what other people think which you'll really become is an asshole" Thanks for that, have seen that happen to people I really liked before! And the "chads" I know in my life, who are also really good with women, all care what you think and will let you know that while being confident, there is no dichotomy there.

The whole not caring what people think is not really true, it's impossible to not care at all, the goal is to do what you want and trust yourself despite caring what others think. Easier said than done of course

The thing I love the most about my boyfriend is his “feminine” side. He’s the only one to make talk about my feelings and this has been key to keep our relationship. (Btw, we’re both computer engineering students). He’s very empathetic, he’s sensitive in the best of ways, when we have an argument he insists on talking about it instead of ignoring it like many guys do… These and others are characteristics that are usually attributed to women, but I don’t have them, and if neither of us had them this relationship wouldn’t work.

You know what? I needed this. Thank you so much. It's much better than the black pilled stuff I usually look at.

when i was a kid my dad was super toxic and projected his insecurities on to me at an early age. he had this very cliché cut out or “mold” of how a man should look or act. for a long time i struggled with anxieties and gender dysphoria because of this. eventually i learned that men come in all different shapes and sizes, and you dont have to act a certain way to fit the bill of what you choose to identify as and be comfortable with.

"Living your life by generalizations is generally speaking a bad idea." - Perfect!

So many of the issues I see presented in these videos are related to misperceptions about the world formed through the lens of internet culture. Sure, tons of perpetually-online individuals might believe these myths about how life operates, but hardly anyone out in the real world knows what "chads", "betas", or any other primarily internet-based designation means. It's really sad how so many people buy into these alternate-realities that only serve to destroy their confidence and happiness.

Been like that for the majority of my life, I'm 45 now. Apparently is a lack of vitamin D. Started taking D3+K2 last year because of the pandemic. The more I was taking the better I felt. 6 months ago I started exercising and I feel now like I'm 25 again.

“you shouldn’t go to the gym for women, you should go to the gym for yourself”. ok, but what if you’re a slim guy who is completely satisfied with their appearance, and then you find out that women aren’t attracted to slim guys, and that makes you want to go to the gym? “the biggest reason you should go to the gym is because YOU’RE not ok with the way that you look”. again, i think a lot of guys would be completely fine with the way that they look if they thought women were attracted to it. for most men, the only reason you’re unhappy with how you look is because you know women aren’t attracted to it. you can’t just separate the action (going to the gym to improve looks) from the goal (finding a partner). it’s like saying “don’t play football to get healthy, play football because football is fun”, when you hate football and don’t find it fun at all.

oh man... I went for that route of believing the priority for a woman was "being emotionally available". Blindly following that was a trap for me. I agree with what Doc says about generalizations and unrealistic role models. But often times if you can only bring "being emotionally available" to the table, and there's a bunch of basic stuff that make humans attracted to each other that's lacking, you're still getting screwed. So being tought the importance of striving for improvement of yourself, taking care of yourself yourself and others, having values and ethics that don't sway from pressure of others (and your loved ones some times), cleaning yourself and your surrounding, having an optimistic view of the future even in the face of adversity and disbelief. These are SUPER IMPORTANT!! People want to be around other people they admire, makes them feel great emotions. So getting to a healthy place, without unrealistic standards, of what makes you feel good about yourself is in the end what is going to make people want to stick around. Thanks doc... I could learn one thing or the other since I can identify, though I'm not 100% sold in some of the arguments around 16:00. As I said, there are basic stuff that people need to admire each other - which also depend on the people - then major characteristics can stand out.

The problem is that people think about this the other way around. You don't become masculine by trying to be masculine. You become masculine by utilizing and adapting the best of what you were born with, which for many cases with men end up with masculine traits.

Masculinity is a way of life; it often mirrors the principles found in religious beliefs, emphasizing self-discipline and moral conduct in the present in anticipation of a more promising future, giving purpose to life.

Oh my god, HA! "Women aren't Pokémon." Thank you for laying down the basics. You are very compassionate Dr. K, I'm definitely over the generalization of women and don't have much patience for it anymore. We are not a hive mind, we're not all straight, and we are individual people. Treat us like people and not like women.

I had insecurities with this too until I got into goth and other alternative subcultures. It was so comforting to see men who weren't this hyper-muscular beast but rather skinny weirdos covered in black makeup. I felt at home. (For reference I'm 5'8 and 119 lb) My point is: if you don't fit classic masculinity the fuck it you don't need it, you can be cool and attractive your own way. Find that way that fits you. Yes, average people will find you unattractive or even disgusting, but many others will think of you as a cool, interesting dude.

I honestly dont understand how surviving failure leads to confidence. How you managed to get rejected 120 times and not give up is absurd I would have probably given up after like 5

you just might be the worlds greatest AOE healer of the internet era, your work has and is changing countless life trajectories for the better. Thank you for your service Dr. K! Greetings from germany 🇩🇪

I can absolutely vouch for the harvard example. Throughout the entirety of my schooling, I had never failed a single test. For my first year of University I failed my first ever test, and it was not just a test, but an oral exam. It broke me and shattered my confidence. True and reliable confidence is built by experiencing stuff like this, not always being on top. I struggled with being average for a while, because I was used to being one of the best performing. Now, several years later, my confidence has increased and failures keep me down for a shorter amount of time. I am happy things have gone swimmingly for most of my life, but I definitely could have benefitted from more hardships earlier.

I feel this way, but with femininity. I keep getting into this defeatist attitude about it though over my genetics, thinking that it's impossible for me to look feminine enough, or even to look like a woman, period.

"Impressing yourself." I think my negative thoughts have evolved so much that I believe that to be impossible, and my brain is okay with accepting that. I wish I could take it out and beat it up.

These videos are always such a high quality of content. It really keeps me going to hear these wise words from Dr. K. Just want to say how thankful I am for this resource & community. It’s been a beacon of light when I’ve been in a pretty dark place 🙏🙏

The thing that young guys have to learn is that it’s best to improve with talking to ANYONE. Secondly, once you understand that women are not a different species and if you interact with them as you would with a random guy you’re interacting with, you’ll instantly improve your chances. Why? Because women interact with creeps and “nice guys” all the time.

For anyone who is struggling with feelings like this, the answer is just two words…. Martial Arts! I’m talking dabbling into boxing, kickboxing, brazilian jiu jitsu and wrestling. Seek these out, learn these skills and develop confidence around fighting ability. Ive spent the last few years training and now I feel so comfortable being how ever feminine or masculine I want because I understand that I am a capable defender and feel a strong sense of control in tense situations. Confidence is found through the struggle and hard work of developing these skills and its so worth it.

Hi Dr.K. This will get buried but I just wanna say that you've helped me and a ton of young men (and women) discover about themselves and ways they can improve their mental health. I'm sure it comes from your experience but you're one of the most authentic, down to earth and relatable people when it comes to giving advice on mental health and life in general. I've recently bought your HG guide to Mental Health and it's like discovering an untapped gold mine. So much helpful information and realistic actions one can take for such an affordable price. Please, never stop what you're doing. People like you are much needed in these dire times.

As a nerdy IT guy who was always short and fat and never popular, especially with women, used to be very shy about women, and has never been very masculine. I'm married to a gorgeous and amazing woman. It can happen! Have hope! I don't know how good the advice is, but I'd say the thing that helped me the most, was not only to work on yourself, but start practicing and meeting people NOW. After some life stuff, I was back living at home at 28, going to school, and even though I'd gotten into shape and had a good plan for myself, 28 and living at home made dating ultra difficult (first dates weren't too hard, but beyond that was a challenge). But I did it anyways, got more comfortable with it, and as my situation improved I started getting more dates. And more second and beyond dates. I'd get burnt out on it sometimes, take a break, and then get back into it when I felt like it. Also, the more comfortable you are with your current situation WITHOUT someone (I was perfectly happy with my job, gaming at home, climbing and doing yoga at the gym, etc), and actually thoroughly enjoyed the freedom I had without a relationship, and that made spending time with a girl a choice that I made because it was more fun than being on my own. This was not always the case, and that was a good sign that they weren't for me, but... That's a good place to be in order to be attractive to people (especially the right people). If you're comfortable with yourself and your situation, and open to being interested in someone else, that's way more attractive than height and muscles and whatever else we think women want. Last piece of advice is to not invent reasons for women to not like you. Everyone has different tastes, and respect them enough to let them have their opinions. If they don't like something about you that's out of your control or even that is, that's fine, they're not for you, meet someone else. The more happy you are with yourself, the less it stings when you find someone you don't mesh with. A relationship becomes a bonus, not a need. Being into someone and them not returning the feelings still sucks (though I almost find it harder when it's the other way around, tbqh), but... That's just part of the process you have to accept. Take the hit, let it suck, stand up, and move on.

Don't change for others, do it for yourself. Thanks Doc, I'm going to take that to heart.

The really ironic thing here is that this kid who's thinks he's not "masculine" enough to attract a woman, has a father who's even less "masculine", who apparently DID attract a woman to have this kid with!

I think most people watch a lot of fiction and thus want a date or spouse that looks or is very perfect when they themselves are not, but they can't control their attraction. Many women and men want something of high value, but simply are not on that level.

I haven’t felt much pressure to be masculine from men so much as I have from women.

One interesting thing from this one is that there was another recent video where Dr. K was debunking, in a way, the whole "love yourself before you can love someone else" thing. Distinctly remember him saying how much easier it is to actually love someone else than yourself. Anyway, in this one "love yourself" is brought up as something you should do still. Not saying there's a contradiction in his words (depends on how you look at it), but something to discuss probably.

his point about how confidence comes from how many times you fail is so true

Very interesting video as usual! :) I can personally vouch for the part about confidence coming from overcoming fear. I'm scared of talking to women I don't know for a variety of reasons, but the few times I did find the courage to do it felt really good. I was like "whoa, nobody died, nobody was hurt/humiliated/bothered". I'm still scared of it, but not downright terrified as I once was. I think I may be feeling a degree of guilt because I got the wrong message over the years and started believing that talking to a stranger is inherently bad, intrusive and wrong, when in reality there's a night and day difference between saying hi and I don't know, harrassing somebody. It took me a while to understand that nuance and I'm slowly unlearning that

I literally started cackling like a madman when he talked about the dating restrictions of a first-generation immigrant's child. I'm aware and have moved away from blaming my parents for issues in my life now, but MAAAAN. I already had difficulty connecting with other kids due to being shy and emotional (I have a distinct memory of breaking down in tears when one of my classmates was talking to me about making friends in 5th grade, which was embarrassing as all hell), but when I did want to go anywhere it was always a barrage of questions that a seven-year-old couldn't answer. "Where are you going? Why are you going there? Who's going to be there? Who's going to be watching over you?" I learned that I had to be absolutely certain of EVERYTHING before I could even suggest going to a friend's house. That was too much for me to handle when I was in GRADE SCHOOL, so I stopped trying. I've over 30 now, and only with the perspective provided by Dr. K and other channels, and a long, hard look at myself, that I've started to come out of my shell. "Level up my social skills", as he's put in other videos. I still don't feel like I'll ever be in a good enough state to get into a relationship, but that isn't as important as getting out there and experiencing life. Pursing the things that make me happy. Being authentic with myself. That's what I want to pursue now.

What helped me the most was to just stand out in the crowd. I grew a beard, started wearing bright colours and put on some muscle and since then I get more attention from women. Sometimes even they make the first move on me, some thing that was completely alien to me when I was looking like Character Preset 1

As a woman who's totally into "feminine" guys, it annoys me how much social pressure there is on guys to look and act "manly". Literally every media tells guys how to behave in a certain way, and if they don't do that, there's something wrong with them. I also grew up with this picture about "ideal guys" and who I should like. Honestly, I thought for myself, that there's something wrong with me, because I couldn't find the "ideal" man attractive. I also thought for a short time that I might be homosexual, but I'm also not attracted to females. I accepted that I'm into female-looking guys, and that I find it attractive if guys don't behave in a "mascular" way too. We get taught early on in life what the ideal woman and the ideal men should be, and that there's something wrong with us if we don't fit into that standard. I tried to put myself into a box as well, because I thought something is wrong with me if I'm not chasing after a partner who fits into this social norm. But I learned that it's okay to be different, and that it's okay to like things which aren't the ideal version the media wants us to believe.

Your tough love is the kindest one out there. Thanks for the love, positivity and wisdom that you share!

Honestly, it have been a hard time for me since april i guess, and being stumbled upon red pill-ish content really did suck out nearly all of my hope. But, im lucky to remember your channel and im really glad i did so, because if i didnt i wouldve been in a much worse position than i am now by the time i discovered this channel. Thank you for giving me and others hope in a brighter future❤

I spent so long worried I wasn't masculine enough, and that was what was wrong. Kept trying to be more macho, more chadly. I was doing it successfully too, I was big and strong, had a deep voice, women were attracted to me. Then I realized, oh, I'll never be manly enough to be happy, I hate being a man. Now I'm much happier

I’ve found that by controlling my body language my mind soon follows. Just learning good posture helps a ton.

Real confidence comes from preparation. When you have studies for hours for the test and you finally feel a grasp of the topic at hand you can take that test with much less anxiety. Anxiety most often comes from very reasonable fears, like the fear that a difficult task will be failed by you, because you haven’t actually done any of the work necessary to do it and the deadline is coming up quickly. Taking a test you haven’t prepared for is gonna suck before you finish and after you get your failing grade. This is the case for things in general. You can be confident with women when you’ve earned confidence. False confidence is just arrogance and it may be even worse than no confidence.

great video! not sure about how warm the lighting is, maybe a bit too warm for my taste, but a good change that shows your openness and welcoming attitude (on contrast to the cold lighting that would emphasize your rational and academic side in the 'feel' of the vidéo).

I had a similar experience at the age of 18. I swung hard into the "become an asshole" direction. It hurt when I could tell I was hurting people's feelings, and I chose not to care. I'm not saying that that is the solution, but I think it definitely helped me to broaden my perspective. Eventually, I was ready to start caring again, but I was able to do it with stronger boundaries than before. I realized that too much empathy can be a bad thing and that practicing a lack of empathy by intentionally being an asshole actually helped me come to a healthier middle ground. Would I recommend this approach? Maybe not, but it actually helped me to become a better person, strangely enough.

I just wanted to thank you for everything you´re doing here Dr. K. Your Videos really helped me through tough times and I am very thankful for that!

Cultivate your passion and be a good guy. Try and treat your body well, there’s no reason to have a six pack, just don’t be w glutton. That’s the long and short of it (shrug)

This is a long one: After having to leave my long-term partner a few months ago, it was clear that I'd put my self-esteem onto her rather than working on it myself. Not only was I racked with guilt over my decision to break up with her (due to the fact that I was unhappy in the relationship for around a year previously), but I also had to contend with my renewed feelings of insecurity and jealousy of successful couples. I came across several self-improvement/manosphere content creators that initially fueled me with the motivation to carry on aceing my degree and exercising to gain muscle. As a result, my grades boosted and I doubled my bench-press capacity in 3 months. Unfortunately, I also began to develop trust issues with others and become toxic to anyone who cared about me. I lost a lot of friends I'd made, I felt worthless and as though I'd never amount to anything noteworthy. The more I watched this manosphere content, the more my world view was warped in a way that genuinely scares me to look back on it all. I genuinely believed that women were untrustworthy and only liked the "Alpha" males with bulging muscles and six-figure incomes, and that someone fairly "average" like myself would either be rejected or discarded for a "higher-value" man. Whilst I analysed my "Sexual Market Value", I neglected to take proper care of my social connections and ironically succeed even less with women than before I'd even heard of the Red Pill. 6 weeks after quitting the manosphere for good, I've attracted some good, honest and positive people in my life without feeling inadequate. I've recently graduated my degree with a 2:1 (3.0 GPA for any Americans here), and I'm about to start a Biomedical Scientist job at a fascinating microbiology and healthcare lab (starting salary of just under $30k, which is pretty decent for a fresh graduate). I take way better care of myself and nurture the relationships I have with others. Because of the inner work I've done and the help I've received for trying to enjoy and appreciate my life again, I've even been on a couple dates with a wonderful woman who didn't seem to be that into buff dudes with 6-figure incomes 😂. All these positive results stem from my ability to bounce back from the hardships I've gone through, as well as some rather critical thinking as to what success really means to most people. It's been a real struggle, but I've found true confidence through it all. I want to personally take my hat off to Dr K for this advice. More young men like myself need to hear your words rather than ever dive into the toxic world of the manosphere and its gurus with vested interests. Good things stem from a sense of self-belief, not external things that attract only shallow and materialistic people in your life. Good luck to you all.

I have dealt with this "not masculine enough" problem (nowhere near the same degree as op obv). A lot of it was rooted in low self-esteem and confidence. Earlier this summer, I decided my time off from university wasn't going to be wasted so I did some research on fitness and diet. It was overwhelming at first with all the information online and fear of judgement, so I started exercising a bit each day at home. Calisthenics and cardio. The overwhelmed feeling went away over time as I noticed what the gym and fitness community is really like: a bunch of guys not too different from myself on the inside. The vast majority of it is super motivating and uplifting to people starting out at the gym and making a change. So I started tracking calories, dialed in my diet and started lifting. Even after a month at the gym, I've lost several pounds of fat and put on some muscle. The rapid progress of newbie gains has been so motivating. I don't look great yet, but better than I've ever looked. My self image is so much more positive. Now I love going to the gym and seeing the numbers on my lifts go up. If you're considering lifting, this is your sign to go out and do it. Everyone was a gym noob at one point and EVERYONE respects you for committing to a change. A bit off topic, but if you're looking for something concrete to help with these thoughts, physical fitness should be a high priority for you. It'll work WONDERS for your mental health.

Nice, I enjoyed how the topic shifted towards the end about self improvement

This guy is so great, maybe it's just me, but the amount of stuff I can agree with in everyone of his videos is so much more than other people's I've watched. I always leave with a deeper understanding of what I was looking to understand. Good show, jolly good show

What timing! I needed this ty :)

I’m listening to that guy’s story and I’m like “Same. Same. Same.”. Except I don’t find it hard to find a woman. I find it hard to find a great woman. Plus he disproved his own point. Like, you were born. So your father must’ve attracted someone.

Thank you man for placing this video in my life

The “impress yourself” section was spot on, couldn’t agree more. I’ve seen this work for myself, though I must admit it can be difficult to keep this mindset going long term. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life, and the ups and downs make it really hard to be consistent in any aspect of life.

When you were saying "can I take pride in this improvement" my ears perked up because it's a major problem I have. How do you go about dealing with feelings of regret (I should have done this sooner) or frustration (I should be more capable than this) or obligation (this is what I should be doing anyway, this isn't special this is baseline)?

Mark manson says don't care what others think. Yet he thinks we should care what he thinks? Strange.

This guy is so funny! couldn't even get through the first 2 seconds. I swear this man's humor is all the therapy i need. I feel like he doesn't even realize how funny he is cause its so baked in

"impress yourself" is up there with the best advice dr k has ever said

The following deduction helps me feel more masculine. First, women don’t all have the same set of wants. There are some overlapping ones and some different ones. After recognizing this, it becomes clear that you cannot get all women to be attracted to you. (I know, obviously false.) Then, you realize you can just be yourself to the best of your ability and see who comes. This helped me, I think, because I previously viewed masculinity as a set of things that had no rhyme or reason, that I read and hear about as ideal but there was no logical reasoning. It was like an ideal that I didnt really believe in or see as achievable, so its kind of this hopeless battle.

We need an Andrew Tate vs HealthyGamer debate

Honestly spot on at 7:25. I cared too much what other people thought, then completely stopped caring and was widely viewed by lots of people as an asshole. I’d do anything I wanted and talked as I pleased but why burn bridges. Learn to respect yourself and others. Self respect goes so far

I’ve always sought the approval of others and I’m just now realizing that has caused me to not really know who I am. That last section of feeling “proud of yourself” opened my eyes so much. I’ve never realized this and I’m in my late 30’s with a family. Please try to love yourselves. I’m going to try too.

I've had 3 relationships by the age of 20, yet the feeling of not being good enough and worrying/knowing someone settles for me doesn't go away because I'm not the ideal. I feel similar to OP, I'm not confident because I have nothing to be confident in, I'm not muscular, I get upset sometimes, I talk about my emotions, epecially when upset and have been abandoned every time I did by women.

Nice. Be patient with yourself be patient with others. Lol doomed because of “spawn point” I love that.

This discussion was so good. Keep them coming Dr K!

Paraphrase: "The cruelset things to people who have been the best is to make them average." That was true for me TOO when I went and left 4 year college (studied, but didn't finish electrial engineering). Was with the top students in HS, then was humble by my performance in college (tried but I couldn't do it). Thanks for the message in the video. It TRULY connected with me .

Y’all should read Brene Brown’s “Daring Greatly” I think it goes in further detail with this topic as well.

'Masculinity' is a touchy subject, every time i click on a video like this i always get worried that someone's going to preach bottling emotions or something. I appreciate that you realize the harm of toxic masculinity and the oppression it puts upon ourselves. I lost someone as a result of these pressures relating to masculinity and what it did to their mental health. Most people in my family are female so I've never really fallen victim to masculine pressures and usually have had many different influences, so my general focus has just been on controlling my emotions (an actually important skill), not oppressing them. I get really frustrated how my emotions always control me and how it causes me to regret lots of actions. (I'm getting a check-up for Hyperactive-Impulsive ADHD because I'm struggling with all sorts of things relating to impulsiveness and attention), so i can definitely support what you've preached even from a different angle with life, because i feel the same in a way, i struggle with emotions, i've been around very emotional people, ive been through alot. There was a point where i thought i was too emotional; which is entirely true. But my view of it was wrong, I was right but i didn't know what the real issue was, and through opening up about my emotions i learned not how to control my emotions, but i figured out that i was looking at the wrong thing. This is why emotions are important, they're what make us human, vulnerability is what allows us to grow. I'm still not amazing with controlling emotions because in all honesty I just can't half of the time, but I'm conscious of myself, my emotions. And that's what allows me to learn how to cope with it, what allows me to figure out what I should improve and how i should go about it.

not all heroes wear a cape. you're a very necessary person in this world, dr K.

16:00-17:00 was one of the best moments of this video because of how realistic the advice sounds, you can’t please or get along with everyone, there is absolutely no fucking point in generalizing when it comes to dating and interacting with the opposite sex.

Several woman I tried to date asked me if I was gay. My whole family thinks I’m gay since I never had a girlfriend. This makes me insecure about myself.

We dont “need” to be anything in todays society. Just help those around you and be yourself. Thats it. Wanna lift? Do it. Wanna knit? Do it. Im a man, got my first pedicure a couple days ago. Was sublime. I have a ton of fun dabbling in what other people find “feminine”, and i think it makes me more unique. Fuck ‘em, babe.

You're analogies are so helpful, thanks

Truly excelllent. Again. I would leave an alternative wording, to the idea "Real confidence, comes from surving failure". Actually I'd say "Real confidence, comes from picking yourself from failure, still caring about it, not anestesising yourself nor pretending it didn't hurt, and still being able to go back and try again, and learn and become better than yesterday. And knowing you are someone who is able to fail, and try again." Sort of similar to the way we know now that true courage isn't not being afraid, but being able to act while stil being afraid.

I disagree with your take on confidence to be honest. You can literally see your confidence grow in real time as you become more competent and just overall better at things. Self-efficacy.