Getting Your Partner to Play More Games 

Highly anticipating a follow-up video: How to get a girlfriend

"Today on Dr. Phil, guest therapist and life coach Alex Radcliffe" (standing ovation follows...).

These are all great tips, and it would be cool to see Rina's perspective on this, as well as other content creators who either have spouses invested in the hobby or who play games with them. Me and my wife got into hobby gaming at the same time, and have learned a lot about our preferences/frequency of play since then. I've made some mistakes in "trying to get them to play a game they don't like." Since then I've adopted an approach from UX research when playing new games with people, and finding games for subsequent plays. Finding "pain points" or things that cause frustration and avoiding games that have a similar mechanic. My wife is a native Spanish speaker, so heavy text/keywords on cards gives her a hard time. So we don't play those games together. If I want to play that kind of game, I find people who want to play those games as well.

Very well said. I love board games; my wife doesn’t. She is totally supportive of my hobby and will even humor me occasionally by playing a game, but we usually spend time together doing something we both enjoy.

Well said. Thanks the wisdom you’ve given here- so helpful! Great quote: “It’s not about playing a game, it’s about finding meaning ways to spend time with your significant other.” That is so key, and easy to forget in our enthusiasm for a certain game or the hobby in general. But the first priority is THEM, not the game, or a hobby, or friends, or anything. If the first priority isn’t them, it will surface and will do the opposite of what you’re wanting.

"A sacrifice on the altar of your game pile" Wow.

Solid advice all around. In addition, selfishly, I see no point playing games with people who don't like playing the game - how is that enjoyable to anybody? What's the point of getting TI4 on the table with people who are not sufficiently engaged? Also I had good experience "upgrading" players. People who started with King of Tokyo and then later really like Kemet. Most people have to play Uno before they can get into MTG.

Nailed it. 👌 Games are a hallmark of our family now - after 8 years of effort and investment. I have also converted my parents and my siblings into the fold of modern board gaming. The main focus was to provide an engaging medium that we could create new and positive memories. For my family, it has helped us to reduce the amount of time spent on tech, improve social skills, problem solve, provide quality family time, and much more. My wife will never be a hard core gamer but when she isn’t exhausted managing a household of 8, she loves to play with me. For the first 10 years of our marriage I couldn’t get her to play my favorite genre of games (2 player skirmish games), but she was and is more than willing to play other games. Those games have built up her confidence level and trust in modern games. The latest house we moved into, my wife insisted we make our front room a game room. Alex is providing some excellent advice! This has been the guiding principle for every hobby that I or my wife has. Because we like each other, we always try to find ways to engage in our partner’s favorite past time.

I really do like the way you do these 'coffee table chats'. Very thoughtful and covering subjects that probably need more airtime than they get in gaming circles.

Fantastic video! I love the psychology behind questioning your true motives when wanting to play more games. I can see a lot of this advice apply to many other areas in life outside of hobbies. For me my motive is to have quality time with my wife and family that doesn’t involve staring at a screen (whether movie or video game). I feel like I get way too much of that with staring at a computer all day for work.

Your wise council and advice is much appreciated. Thank you for all of the videos. Please keep them coming.

Another motivation for me is simply wanting to share a passion with my wife. We share other passions with each other, and I just want to share something I love with my wife, but she is intimidated by board games.

You know i've got here riserching a board game and this video "spirit" is the reason i follow you daily.

Great video! These are also great tips for friends/family. Our group started with Gloomhaven JOTL and I did not anticipate it going well. Being accepting of rule mistakes to keep a moderate level of challenge and not controlling the game (let them make their own decisions and help only when they ask). When I made these changes all of our enjoyment increased and now everyone is asking when we will meet next to keep the campaign going.

I've been thinking about this topic recently as well, so it's nice to hear your thoughts. Thanks for posting this!

Great video. Thanks especially for the list of games at the end. My wife can enjoy playing a game, but it has to be the right game.

Xia: Legends of a Drift System won the "Wife's Stamp of Approval" I made the Designer's day posting about it on BGG.

Leaving the door open is the same strategy I use to capture stray cats!

Finally watched this after having it on my Watch Later list since it was published! I have been figuring some of these out naturally and having fun with simple games she likes, and then I have my Friday nights at the game store now with people who like heavier games. It was tough during the lock down because I only had TTS for heavier games, but now getting the best of both worlds. Ted Lasso and Gold Rush shows has been fun for us when she doesn't want to play games.

The games my wife will play… Azul, ticket to ride, Sagrada, isle of cats 🐈, parks. That’s about it. It’s hard to get her to try new games.

Fantastic! Well done sir.

Excellent advice. Love this! ❤

Daddy Radcliffe bringing out the goods and his advice on relationships - love it some very valuable points here to implement into life not just board games.

Very true! great video, Alex!

All great advices that I have followed for a few years (because the process to turn a non-boardgamer into an avid one is long), a long time ago, and it worked great!!! Want to have a proof? Yesterday my wife ask me to play Dwellings of Eldervale tomorrow (now today) because it has been a long time since we have not played it. Not bad for someone that 5-6 years ago had not played any modern board games at all. Continue your great work Alex!

I'm very glad to hear the preface to this conversation being addressed. I think many of us that want to play more games with our partner are in that hybrid, and believe the its more about spending time together, but subconsciously that may not be the case. And when both are legitimate drives, it's hard to determine which is more important to you until you analyze your behavior resulting from it.

Well said! Advice that I wished I learned when I was much younger.

Again a nice contribution to this community. Thanks Alex. I can count myself lucky that my GF (although being mostly occupied being an ER doc) still doesn't mind to play games with me. Every time she does, it just feels like a bonus.

Imagine a Saw parody where "Jigsaw" makes people play Twilight Imperium 4th Edition and Talisman: Revised Edition.

Great points that I had to learn. I changed from playing and collecting video games to board games because I wanted to spend more time with my wife and not be isolated with head phones on. I love heavy euro's and she likes medium to lighter games. She needs to feel competitive in a game, and that I understand. I have learned what games not to break out with her and what games to play solo or find a gaming group to play with. ( last year was tough without groups ) Now I wait for her to ask me to play a game together and I always let her choose a game to play. She said, "Wow... what was the beautiful magician game you were playing the other day?" Oh that was Trickerion. Maybe some day. Next game we are looking forward to is Yedo deluxe when it's delivered next week. Step up from Lords or Waterdeep. But as you cleverly said.. never, never push... it will never work.

Excellent tips, Alex. My wife and I entered into the hobby together with a few games. Over the years, and two kids later, her interests have changed whereas I dove in quite deep. Occasionally, she still plays games with me but dislike learning new games. I have built up enough goodwill playing games we both love that on occasion, she would indulge in learning a new game. I know her taste in games and so I have learned what to introduce to her. As expected, she's loving Destinies right now. I even told her, "You will love this game and I got it specifically for us to play together."

Excellent video!

Great advice that can also be applied to playing games with your kids.

I'm grateful that my wife loves games too, but solo games have given me another outlet when she isn't in the mood for a game. I dove into the hobby shortly before the pandemic started so I've never been a part of a game group, but I'm excited that social interaction is becoming a thing again and hope to find a group in the future.

Awesome video Alex!

This is all excellent advice. I'm quite blessed to have a partner who very much enjoys heavy games and most of the games that I enjoy, but I enjoy adventure games (Too Many Bones, Mage Knight) and she doesn't much. So I play those solo. It is so much all about it being about them, not the games.

I am very lucky to have a partner that also likes playing games. I started by getting simple and accesible games (Ticket to Ride, Catan and Carcassone) and slowly introduced her to more complex games. Now games like Scythe and Eclipse Second Dawn are some of her favourite games.

Agree with everything except the last point. Couples rotate restaurants, movies, tv shows all the time. I don’t want my wife to play games she hates, but we have no problem taking turns on games one likes more than the other. Great video. Love the channel.

I loved how honest and thought provoking this video was. I have only been in the hobby for just over a year now and my wife has zero interest in playing board games. I have never forced it but am always thinking of ways to try and get her involved. Thing is she has never tried anything past monopoly etc so I always think we'll we could try a game and see what you think. As you said though I never push it so I'm hoping that one day she may see one and go hey....cmon let's give it a go. :) Cheers Alex

I think part of this dilemna is that this hobby is most enjoyable (pretty much dependant) on more people to fully enjoy it.. whereas most other hobbies like cooking, cycling, yoga, jogging etc. are fully enjoyable as solo activities.. the avid boardgamer loves discovering new games and sharing those experiences with others but when others don't take an interest they look at their collections with a sort of melancholy of experiences that are locked up inside boxes not because they want them to be but because there's nobody else around to share them with.. solo boardgaming is okay in doses, but also has that 'this would be so much better with 2 or 3 people at the table' feeling that brings them down imo.. great video as always

Cheers!!!!! I totally agree. I recall that my wife wanted to play the Zombicide black plague and I was pushing for the Kemet. I know some time I become really pushy while I know I shouldn't to be !!!! Great Alex!!! amazing subject

Alex: "What is your goal?" Me: "damn. That's deep. Well, everything started 25 years..."

Great video and great advice. I seem to be doing all of it just this way. Thanks. Shabat is the best time for playing with my wife.

AKA "How to be a good partner as an adult." This is top level content. Absolutely awesome video, Alex!!

I think my important tip is: Bring options, if there's a game you want to play, give them something they want to play have as couple of games of their game and then bring out yours, but when you bring out games have a selection of games relating to what they chose, they chose stone age? bring lords of water deep and champions of midgard, They chose carcasonne? bring Castle of burgundy or 7 wonders. The idea is to do stuff you both want to do, because if you're both not enjoying the time, why are you doing it. and also best tip: sometimes they will say no, and that's okay.

Excellent! Once again Alex, you cover a subject that has arisen recently in our house. Have you placed listening devices in here? I spend a lot of time with boardgames. Playing solo, painting miniatures (pretty much daily), watching reviews on YT, organising storage, making room for the next Kickstarter, where there actually is no room etc. My wife has hobbies of her own. She paints (not miniatures), she sews, she draws but she doesn't play boardgames. We had one game of Zombicide Invader but it was really me playing solo and her thinking "what is the point of this?!" She thinks watching unboxing videos are as exciting as watching paint dry. She doesn't understand why I have so many boxes with 'Zombicide' on them. Or why I keep paying for games that I won't actually get for 2 years! Apart from the aformentioned Zombicide debacle we did play Perthro, a very pretty little Norse inspired, dice placement game. She liked that. It was short. She could see a purpose in getting the right dice combination. There are no zombies in it. To put this in context, we have been married for 32 years this year and she has put up with my collecting of rock music (we have around 10,000 cds, vinyl and mp3s), dvds (500 ish?), tarantulas (we had 300 and 19 snakes) and motorcycles (around 31 in the 32 years). She thinks 10 games would be 'enough'. I have around 50. So this weekend she has agreed to play something. Following your advice I will let her choose. I have already said that we won't play something that is gong to take hours to play. I will give her a choice of about three games-Zombicide Green Horde, Zombicide Black Plague or Zombicide Invader. I'm joking of course. I am thinking something with dice, because she seems to like that and maybe something with dice placement as a mechanic rather than strategy or pure combat. I think she would like the theme of Elder Sign because she is a time traveller from the Victorian Age or Steampunk Rally Fusion because she likes Wacky Races? I will probably go for a co-op rather than a competitive but probably not Xenoshyft? I will let you know how it goes. Oh and tell me how you got the microphones in our house?

Number of tips apply for friends and family too.

From my wife... "You always win. Even when you don't try" shut the potential gaming for quite awhile. But playing simpler games she's good at (e.g. Uno), and introducing a coop game or two once in a very long while seems to have eased things up a bit (maybe because they are not as competitive). Not a lot - but its at a pace she's comfy with.

Super presentation; Wish we were neighbours... that would be gaming heaven

Thanks for this video Alex ! Been trying to get my wife to get into boardgames for about two years now, but it doesn't really works. Might have been a little bit pushy the first few months because that's when I really got into it myself, but I don't even ask that much anymore, maybe once every two to three months. She doesn't have that many hobbys except for video games. And I like video games, it's not what I prefer but it's fine, although she likes games I don't really care for, but it's fine. She did enjoy the 10+ times we played board games together, but I can see that she's making a sacrifice when she does. She doesn't like to listen to the rules, and she wants it to be done in about 15-30 minutes max... so, her reactions slowly made me not want to ask her to play that much. She does enjoy "Break the Code", "Trek 12", "Flamme Rouge", or even "Dice Throne", but she never really WANTS to play. :( Fortunately, she's great in many other aspects, but that's still a little frustrating... hopefully I have a nice gaming group !

Always let them win the first (and second) play of a new game. That way there is positive assocation with the game (and you have an excuse losing Targi 6 games in a row ;-))

I agree! Tying them up is a great suggestion!... Wait, just me?

Great video and message. You're really good on camera. You did that whole video in one take. (Do you have any videos about making videos/you behind the scenes process? How many times did you record this video?) Also, #6. Go easy on your significant other. If you crush them in a game you pay often and is their first time, they aren't going to enjoy themselves; and they are going to remember this beating when you suggest you play a game in the future

Good topic and like your take on it. Sure I would to play games with my wife, both from a 'share time' perspective and to get more plays in. Only thing she is remotely interested in is Chronicles of Crime and she wants to play that one competitively lol. So now I am taking her out to dinner 🤷‍♂️

I would add Lost Cities to the rec list. An oldie but always a goodie for a couple. It’s the one game my girlfriend loves to play over and over.

Great advice!

Good stuff. There's something to be said about consciously rejecting the instant gratification syndrome when trying to pull the spouse into games.

I fell into thinking that it would be a great way for us to spend time together. What happened was I sat there watching my partner stare at their phone. I did get the message they weren’t interested very quickly.

Haven't watched the full video yet, I will on my lunch break. But I just wanted to add in my world my wife loves playing games, especially with me buying things to fit her interests, dream home, everdale and overtime she began to love Heavy games. Awesome I know. My only issue is she is play one, then do something else, good life balence I guess, where I would play day day if I could :p And yes, she got me into hiking :)

I'm one of the fortunate ones, whose wife enjoys games as much (if not perhaps more) as I do. My daughter on the other hand, is an infrequent gamer. I find your advise spot on as it applies to her. Most of this I had to learn the hard way.

Make a wishlist and let your partner choose which one appeals to him/ her and let him/ her buy that game for your birthday/ xmass. ‘ Let’s play that game that you bought for me!’ Open door; the kids are in bed: do you like to watch something on tv or like to play a game? Last thing I do; buy a game that has a theme your partner likes (f.e. A car/ race game in my case) as an extra present next to something he/ she wants to get.

Quacks is our go to game. Im currently on a win streak. We also play Sagrada and Azul where she consistently wrecks me. Coops are my favorite. The best one we had was Captain is Dead. That game kicked our ass like 10 times before we finally beat it. It was so rewarding. We used the first officer and janitor to get it done. CID went so well that when Nemesis showed up a few weeks back all I had to say was its really just a more grown up version of CID and she played. Weve lost 3 times so far and will try again this weekend. Other coops we play are TMB and Flashpoint. Games that can quickly spiral out of control seem to be our jam. I dont think Ill ever play RC with her though. She will think its too fiddly. Maybe once the deluxe version shows up. Im still hoping shell show interest in Viticulture. Ive been amassing some worker placements and it would be neat if she liked those too. Viticulture seems like a great gateway to the genre and a great theme for couples.

I know what games my wife will play and the ones she won't. She loves Suburbia, Arcadia Quest, and Cthulhu: DMD. So I play games like Tainted Grail, Etherfields, and 7th Contient solo. Some games I play with my oldest(21) like Gloomhaven. Other games I play with my youngest(5) and we have a couple of games we play as a family. It is a really grey area.

Alex you are becoming my therapist 🤣. When I ask to my wife to play a boardgame, not often, is because I want her to stop to watch tv or her smartphone. I think learning a board game, looking at the rules is giving some amazing involvement and discovery but I also understood that a lot of people, young ones, they just want to push a button… a bit sad

Honestly board games are such a big part of my life that a potential partner not liking them is a deal breaker. Not saying they need to love games or play them each week, but they need to be ok with how much time and money I spend on them.

“You like to knit afghans. How to get your spouse to want to knit afghans with you.” “you like to attend and participate in poetry slams. How to get your spouse to attend and participate in poetry slams with you.”

I also suggest starting with a cooperative game instead of a competitive one. This way you can help guide them through.

My partner will play from time to time, not as muh as I want to and his main complaint is that his job is to do analytic decisions so playing a more heavier game is not for him. The solution is that when he's willing to play, it's a lighter game. For the heavy stuff I have my daughters and friends.

I have always loved games. We played them a lot growing up, but my husband does not like them. He would only play a game maybe 1-2x a year. He hates losing! lol As an introvert who no longer lived near her game-loving family, that was tough. I never considered or knew of cooperative games, only competitive. I started collecting games recently to play with our 8yr old, who can persuade his dad to play them sometimes too. lol We don’t harass him to play. We just invite him and if he says no, we play without him. I try to mostly buy games 2+ players and avoid 3+ players unless we can easily modify the rules.

Hi Alex , a somewhat related question: How do you explain the types of games we play in our hobby to those who don’t play? I find when I tell people that I am into board games, they visualize games like: Monopoly, checkers ,Life, etc. I’m looking for a few sentences to represent our hobby. I’m sure you encounter this often. Any advice? I have two goals: 1) to get people to understand the types of games we play (not monopoly!) who may not have any experience, 2) potentially peak their interest. Thanks in advance !

What your wife would say & add on this topic would be great.

Playing through episode 1 of Cthulhu: DMD this week with my wife. The number of characters between season 1, 2, and the unspeakable box was very intimidating to her, but she likes playing these types of games with me. We have been switching between Gloomhaven, Zombicide Black Plague, Altar Quest, and CDMD to get our dungeon crawler fix outside of D&D. She definitely prefers the lighter games like Quacks of Quedlinburg, Splendor, and Ticket to Ride, but I enjoy playing almost anything with her. I am very competitive, but it sometimes discourages her. It seems we play competitive games more often when I help her with different strategies and point out moves that would benefit me and it makes the experience better for both of us.

Good video! What's your thoughts on letting them win to make the experience more enjoyable for them?

My wife played TI4 once and destroyed everybody. We are all veteran players and she was not. I'm still proud of her and now people listen to me when I tell them to watch out for her when she plays games.

I definitely need a new game group

We don’t need to now, because SOLO exist.

Pretty sound advice I believe. I appreciated the focus on “partner” vs whatever. Different topic in the same field of games for ya but I liked it.

Yup. I’ve been letting my wife choose the games we play for the most part.

Wow, this video should be a patrimony of the board game community...

When I play a game with wife that she hasn't played, I specifically make sure not to either on purpose or accidentally crush her. She usually kills me in Terraforming Mars and stuff, but we recently played Clank for the first time, and I came to a moment where I easily could have crushed her game and won, buuuut that wouldn't have been much fun for either of us so I didn't. She ended up winning, totally legitimately, and that's totally fine with me. Part of the fun is hanging out! I'm sure the next game we play she will end up crushing me haha! I also try not to buy games she will probably not like. Except Marvel United, I'll just play that by myself!

Biggest problem I run into when gaming with neighbors. They know I have a closet full of games. They ask, “Do you have ‘X’?” X always equals classic Amero-trash, Monopoly, Rish, Yahtzee, Sorry, Life...etc. I actually have none of these. I suggest games that are similar and get, “I really don’t want to learn something new.” or “Umm...well let me know when you get one of those.” Argh! So frustrating.

Great salient tips that should be common sense to us all but do not always feel intuitive, sadly. Your scenarios do have me cracking up for some reason: "Oh, so you enjoyed Checkers, honey? Well, here's another one you'll also love - TWILIGHT IMPERIUM!".

next video conversation: how to find a gaming group

If you can't find a single hobby you enjoy doing together... why the heck are you together? My partner is my best friend, and we're together because we have some common interests. I always find it weird when couples are not interested in the same things. Great advice.

So your saying the wall of shame and my overflow in the closest isn't reason enough. Pretty sure the game box said it was supplied with addictive dust in it, so convincing your partner to open a new box will generally get them addicted. lol

I would love to play boardgames with my wife but she as 0 interest. She wanted to try Unlock but I think the timer and playing with 2 teenagers and an 8 years old made things too stressful and she lost interest. Lately she kinda was open to the idea of trying again so I'll try without the time constraint.

My gf doesnt always want to play long games so mostly she choose big or small game and i choose a couple games and she choose the one she wanrs to play

Funny video, lol. I've tried for years...can't get anyone in my family to the table. Sigh.

The thing about getting your partner to play board games with you, in my case anyway, is making sure they are getting involved because they are interested. I'm having a bit of an issue there because my partner is not really a board games person, HOWEVER he's willing to join any time someone else comes over to play. And this is what kind of bugs me because I know he'd not play it otherwise. He's not peer pressured or anything, on the contrary, I'd love to have a chance to play board games with people I know are into it, he just does it for the sake of company, being a part of the group. Any advice in that area, by any chance?

I don't think it's a good idea to ever say to your partner or even think to yourself that you are 'playing to their level'. Follow the previous step involving them in the decision and finding what game they WANT to play, whether it's because they connect to the theme, mechanic, weight, art, etc. They likely CAN learn, play, and win any of the games on your shelf, and might not feel included and respected if you assume just because they don't want to play what you normally want to that they are at some 'level' below you. Be equals in the process and have fun, that's all that matters.

If they have nothing in common at all may be they should start to think if they are in the right relationship 🤣🤣🤣

Also I'm against buying game just to play with other to their level... It doesn't mean if they are not in my level then I'll not be able to play with them, it means that my fun is more important to me, and I found out that solo is just the solution for me For example I hate vp based games and love Co-op but people around me think differently so I'll not buy competitive games that I won't enjoy just because I want them to enjoy this is not my opinion at all sorry, and it means that yeah if my collection will have more co-op then competitive it's fine by me so I'll enjoy it on my own If people have a game in their collection and I'll want to play sure why not but not the opposite

Why am I getting the impression Rina doesn’t like Twilight Imperium? 🤔😂

Bold of you to assume I have a partner. Lol

Could Not agree more. And its the same with friends. I accept that not all people like board games. But I dont accept their decision if they have only played monopoly and trivial and know nothing about proper fun games. I close the gap with online gaming even with random people. Or other activities :) And the most important... let them dictate the pace. I got many evening disapointed that we did not play... but... now... I am fine. :)

Or How I learned to stop worrying and accept that Rina won't play Twilight Imperium.

After watching this whole video... (starts slow clap)👏👏👏👏👏

I would also add don’t buy games to play with your partner if you think the theme will overpower their dislike of a mechanic. My wife loves Disney and loves Screwing me over in games. I thought Villainous would be a great shout. However she hates other asymmetric games as she can’t work out what’s going on. So she hated it, and I had to pass it on.

For me, I'd rather play a board game than just watch TV. So for me it's more of a 'how to convince your partner to spend together time on board gaming' ha.

I started to cringe reading the title and all of the reasons of my cringe were clarified in the first point haha My partner don't really like playing games, she doesn't like to learn rules. And well... that's okay. We share other hobbies, we both love watching movies and series, we both love music and concerts. There's also some things she does that i don't really want to learn, like sewing. I would prefer to just play videogames instead of learn to sew. And she gets that, so there's no need to try to convert me to sewing.