I want to reiterate that if you're a trans person in your first couple years of transition, I think you should hold off on watching this video. It's not going anywhere - come back a little later!
this video brings up a feeling of dread in me that i feel on a low level almost constantly, more prevalently in the past few years. it's scary to feel this precarious identity and self, but it's comforting to know that the feeling is shared and this video really means a lot to me. so beautifully written and resonant, thank you.
I’m in my 5th year and much of what you’ve said rings crystal clear in my experience. Now that I can pass for the most part I have thought about the idea of going stealth. Especially now with the raising conservative political views about us and women in general. Where I live is supposed to be the most accepting and supportive of all transgender people but it’s a thin and shiny veneer which could easily break and shatter. Under the surface I’ve seen a much different dynamic of treatment depending on race, poverty and mental illness. It allows this so called supportive environment to be washed away and those not fitting the stereotypical of “the amazing transformation” get the same kind of treatment that’s been the norm for decades before.
23:35 "A lot of trans women spend their lives cooped up in their bedrooms, and frankly, can you blame them? It does keep us away from danger, but also from safe situations we misjudge as dangerous. In doing so, it kind of isolates us from the community we so badly need." *wow* that hit home. I mean, the whole video did, but this line in particular stood out to me. As a girl in flight mode, I hope there's space for me to breathe in this contradiction. Until then, thanks for giving me something to hold on to with this video.
I hope you’ve found some more of what you need. This year I really found my community in a way I didn’t know was possible, so I know now that there is more love and support out there waiting for each of us than any of us can imagine until we have it. I try to talk about this a lot so that those who haven’t found it yet can hold onto the hope it takes to keep searching. 💖
I'm cis, but as a disabled woman some parts of this really hit home. Surviving in a world that has no place for you is a constant challenge, and standing in solidarity with each other is so important.
One of the TERF talking points that has never made sense to me is that cis women and trans women or transfemmes have no overlap in experiences. When I actually took the time to listen to stories of trans femmes, I never felt so seen in my experience with gender. This isn't to say that I have the same struggles as trans people because I do not, but the experiences of sexism or of the medical community treating you as if you cannot make your own adult decisions, or how you are expected to perform femininity at all times. Essentially was are absolutely comrades in the fight against cis patriarchal systems, way more so than gender "critical" women who work with conservatives at the expense of trans people.
oh my god, yes! i find it especially jarring that sapphic terfs use that talking point as well, when the most relatability outside of experiences written by lesbians such as myself come from the writings of trans women, regardless of sexuality. i don't have the same struggles as trans femmes, of course, but i find their stories deeply resonate w/ me as i have been alienated n seen as a threat 2 other girls due 2 my orientation- that's why i simply don't understand abt sapphic terfs. they should know the backlash against sapphics n trans femmes resonate from not fitting into a specific system dictated by cisnormative n heteronormative standards, but yet it just doesn't... click? it's very odd
@@mccperin Unfortunately for TERFs, I think having an immediate scapegoat allows mainly cis gay people or just cis people in general to constantly have a group to point to for respectability politics reasons. There's an understanding of how trans people can make the larger population question the gender binary. No one wants to do this since it's such an inherent part of Western society and concepts of being rational. I hope you have been able to work through those feelings of being a "predatory" wlw. I've dealed with it before, it's such a dumb nerf on us.
@@mccperin I'm honestly convinced that TERFs are just very self-centered and prone to knee-jerk reactions, much like conservatives in general, which they act like a lot more than they do feminists or progressives. They are repulsed by their mental image of trans people, so they just refuse to think or reason. Their personal immediate comfort is more important to them than the truth or any cause.
@@chrismanaloe3507 Can't be delusional about your physical body if you are actively seeking to change it or be gendered differently lol. You make the same arguments I was bullied with as a young girl for being too mannish, or looking like a lesbian. This helps no one I promise, not even you. Hope you're doing well and have a life outside of going to trans women's videos to complain about your issues with a protected class that doesn't affect you.
I was talking with a fellow trans woman the other day, and she was saying that she doesn't think anyone will ever want her romantically. Me and a few other people tried assure her that you can't make predictive statements about the rest of your life based off of just a few years, but she didn't budge. She was resigned to (what she believes to be) the fact that she will only be seen as a sexual delicacy, a flavor of the week, something to be tried and forgotten. She said that there was little hope for her because there is so few lesbians who would be into trans woman. She said she wants more, she wants a long term relationship, but there's no reason to try for anything more than one night stands. It broke my heart to see her saying this all this but thinking everything is fine. I suggested therapy could help improve her attitude towards dating and help her see that she deserves more (and also just because everyone can benefit from some therapy) but she said that would invalidate all the work she's done on herself. I just hope she's wrong and she can find some stability. Update: she is now dating a lovely lady and is looking for a therapist 😊
I know this doesn't solve the problem entirely, but maybe another trans woman could be with her (as they would both share a common understanding about being trans?)
Omg I'm really glad she's found someone- I hate that a lot of trans women feel this way. I'm nonbinary/transmasc, and my gf is a trans woman and there is a lot of comfort in being young and queer, but in it together.
Um idk if this is what you meant but only mentioning lesbians is a little weird isng it? It sounds like you’re saying she only wants to date a lesbian? If so, that’s a strange fixation. There are lots of sapphic women-bi, pan, etc who wouldn’t care at all. I’m not saying lesbians do care but why mention only lesbians? Why not say wlw?
I was getting tearful at the end, at hearing about Lily's support network being there for her when she needed them. This comment made me cry. Sometimes it's hard to remember that we aren't alone in our struggle. Thanks for putting something kind into the world. And thanks to the people that liked it and kept it as the top comment. It was really nice
This echoes with something I wrote last year: 'Jesus, I wish I could convey to you people what this feels like even for just a second. It feels like being tiny. Like, you're just minding your own business as a vast giant wanders around above you, praying that it doesn't crush you beneath it without it ever being aware of your existence. Except it's worse, because the government is actually *very* interested in our existence. At any moment it could make our lives nightmarish and there is no way to know when, nor stop them if they try, nor trust them not to.'
For several years now I've had this idea for a computer game with a small character on a very long, very heavy steel chain, navigating a landscape of titanic mechanical giants. This comment of yours reminded me of it. The intent behind the idea is to represent the experience of depression, but I suddenly realize it might resonate with a lot of different kinds of people. I hope you're doing well.
reminds me of a genre of Lovecraftian horror- those that feature Eldritch Abominations-- large, unfathomable, all consuming existence that is completely unaware of ours. i hope you're alright, and that you keep finding reasons, no matter how small, to hold on to hope, until hope eventually becomes realised.
@@thegreatdream8427 This is a fucking awesome Idea even if its just a 10 minute walk through an artistic landscape. Please let me know if you've made anything, I'd be very interested to see it :)
As a pre hrt trans girl (starting next month yay) I am permanently terrified of the possibility that all the friends I appreciate and that I'd die for would probably not hesitate at the idea of just throwing me and all our memories to the trash just because I wanted them to know my true self. I am virtually making a coinflip here, it goes slightly bad and I have to make a whole new plan for the next 5 to 6 years of my life, I will find myself with no roomates or anyone to help me when I need it, completely alone in a city that I do not know. How much am I willing to pay in exchange of being honest to myself and those I care about? Is it actually worth? I do not fucking know.
In my experience, Few with throw you out all together, some will act like an ally, but still fail to see you, they will judge you for acting in a different way then when they met you, and "accidentally" misgender, always apologizing profusely and promising to work on it, eventually forcing you to remove them from your life. Others will say "congrats", never misgender you again, but will see you as less of a person and more something to be manipulated, because that is how many men see women. Some will come back into your life, people you haven't seen in years, and they will simply understand without you saying anything. My biggest surprise was a straight man who knew me years before transition, then tried to pursue me romantically about 2 years after transition. You will make friends with new people who share your experiences either in transness, womanhood, or something else. I never thought my father would ever call me 'she' but now he always does. If someone is willing to throw out the relationship they had with you due to you showing them who you truly are, they didn't deserve your friendship to begin with.
In my experience, also a pre hrt trans girl, considering transitioning for about 4 years now... I feel safe. That's probably because I lock myself in my room and most of my friends are online, but something that I think helps me is having lots of female friends. That way, I don't feel like I get as much hate or discrimination as my male friends. They may view me differently, sure, but it's so little that I don't even notice. I'm sorry that I don't have much advice to give, but I'll always offer to be an ally if you ever need a friend c:
@@gothgrrl8711 cannot agree enough that the majority of people will act like an ally and "yass girl" on your facebook coming out post but then see you as difficult when you speak up or need anything.
Of course it is, it isnt gonna be a shitstorm, its gonna be tough but we've gotta be tougher, stay strong, do whatever you want, if someone leaves you just for your identity then i guess they're not your friends at all I'm pretty sure you would love your friends even if they became talking cardboard boxes So would a lot of them if you became your true self Its gonna be fine
you ever struggle your entire life accepting that you're a gay man, come out, come to terms with it, things are cool, then you're 25 and realize you actually might be a transgirl.. and all the same feelings of queer shame hit you hard, you had almost forgotten what that felt like. and now you're at a stand still?
Yes! I struggled with coming out as gay in my teens, then continued to feel that something was off....in my late twenties I began to think I must be non-binary, and finally in my thirties I started to feel transfeminine. Aaaaargh....I don't know anymore.
it took me four years after I started understanding my discomfort with my gender to land on non-binary. It wasn’t fun, it wasn’t easy, it was messy at times but I got there. You will too 💙
@@Lux_Lost I feel the same way, I’ve been avoiding my longing for a masculine appearance and social role for so long that I convinced myself it wasn’t there, now that I’m actually examining it I don’t know how to even begin accepting it
i just realised that as a neurodivergent person, there were certain periods in my life were my life just wasnt stable or meta-stable, it was just already collapsed. and i kinda feel like in some sense it can never be built up to how a neurotypical persons life is in this society.
@@Constantin9va ok, but on the other hand, society is currently structured in a way that the neurotypical strawman has nearly everything, including everything you need to survive. the neurotypical strawman is your landlord, your boss, your teachers in school, the kids in your class who hold the power over whether or not you get bullied, the insurance worker who processes your case and their boss who doesnt want it to go through. In other words, i have no choice but to have what they have to survive
I'm in the same spot. I have no clue how to get HRT, I'm fucking poor, my parents aren't supportive and I'm still living with them for college. I feel as though I can't see myself having a happy future. But there's light at the end of the tunnel. I have so many years left to be alive that statistically, it's extremely likely that I'll start HRT at some point in life. I just want to chase that.
Heya. I highly recommend seeking out support from trans people, both online and (if possible, and Covid-permitting) in the real world. In fact, ideally you should have multiple distinct groups of trans people so that you'll have one to fall back on if another ends up compromised. I'd normally also advise against forming contact with people who found you through an expression of vulnerability in a RU-vid comment section but, caveat aside, I'm happy to receive emails (my address should be visible on my profile) if you need an hour to vent or seek practical advice.
@@meabhmurphy9090 I'd like to offer the same support, if anyone feels like they need it. If you need someone to talk to, I'm happy to listen. Feel free to email me anytime. In the meantime, take care of yourselves.
@@aarqon True, it's sad but it's also something I can't in good conscience deny the necessity of. Fwiw this is something I've been consciously doing since years before I came out, just because it's a sensible policy.
I'm an afab enby that did HRT for five years and I really, really relate to the balancing act of not being too feminine or too masculine and trying to find a place that finds me more than tolerable
I found a sweet spot between fight, flight and fawn that works wonders and feels genuine to me. I'm stealth when it doesn't demand a lot of me, out and proud when I can, and a trans mama when I must (in our circles, being 26 and 4.5 years of HRT is a big deal) I have a tech job I'm REALLY REALLY good at, and proceed in my dealings with it in extreme caution so as to not lose it. I'm not stealth, though. As soon as I have enough experience (and money) I'm going to Do Something to help other trans girls and women. At this point, it's my mission. It drives me forwards. I'm one of the lucky few who genuinely managed to reach stability, with the overwhelming support of my mother. I can't remain one of the "lucky few", there must be more of us and I'll make it happen
This was a gorgeous analysis that brought to light how important solidarity is. The stories and struggles with identity and acceptance brought me to tears. As a non-traditionally feminine cis woman, this resonated with me deeply. Thank you so much.
God, this hits close to home for me. I'm non binary and I feel like I can't belong anywhere; my family doesn't really accept me, I can't be in women's or men's spaces, I can't be out anywhere for my own safety, and most of all I can’t rely on my non binary peers since I have never belonged in their spaces either for one reason or another. The future is intensely scary for me since I don’t have any support networks. I’m glad someone else who is trans is talking about how incredibly isolating it can be when you’re the only one looking behind your back and have no place for comfort. Your work is excellent, I can't wait to see more!
Big same, especially on feeling like you don't belong in nonbinary spaces. I've always felt like I've viewed gender differently than most of my nonbinary peers and it makes them harder for me to relate to. I've learned to stay in my close group of friends. Online spaces are especially stressful and taxing for me. I'm trying very hard to limit my interactions with Facebook and Tumblr specifically. I've managed to stay out of Twitter luckily, just because I prefer more in-depth content (like this) and the character limit on twitter is antithetical to that.
I was genuinely worried clicking on this video, especially with the existentialism of that opening. I was worried that this would cut too close to home. But everything you say in this essay genuinely needed to be said and I'm truly thankful that you did. I relate so much to the idea of rebuilding and restarting. I feel like I do it constantly. A beautiful and well articulated video. Can't wait to see more!
This hit me in so many feels. I'm a trans guy and the use of this description I think really did help me understand a bit about the experiences of a trans woman. There for I wish to excite the algorithm so here is a comment.
This resounded loudly in my current state. I feel this doubly as a trans woman and a black trans woman . I am clinging on to that hope and that promise that things will get better. And I think I shouldn’t take the things I have I my life now for granted. It’s not perfect, nor is it completely ideal. But it is stable and I should be thankful for that. Thank for you for sharing this
This... puts to words a lot of what I've been through over the past year. I moved to a new state to live a new, more authentic life, then the pandemic hit. I spent months and months searching for new work so I could get out of food service, and into a more stable job. Then I got into an accident, and my car was totaled. My lifeline, my escape hatch was destroyed. Then after nearly a year, I got a new job. Then lost it again after three days. Then got kicked out of my sister's, where I had been living up until that point. I'm unemployed and homeless. And the world could still easily take even more from me.
It's comforting to know I'm not so alone. Typing this as I'm cooped up in my bedroom in my parent's house. Unable to work, unable to function, unable to act human. Thank you for your work. This video is a poem to me.
I'm gonna have to get rid of my old car soon and this really hit me at just the right time. Up until recently that little car was the closest thing to a home I've ever had, for something like 6 years. Thanks for saying this.
Damn that warning at the beginning for newly hatched trans women was true. I'm a teen black trans woman that realized I was trans around 9 months ago and pre-everything. I knew that life as a trans woman wasn't gonna be the greatest but I didn't think it could at least sound that bad.
@@lily_lxndr Yea that i was able to tell pretty early on, having my closest friends call me the right name and pronouns feels amazing! It's just the fully coming out of the closet and transitioning that scares me despite how much I want to do it.
hey there! if you already don't know her you should really read the story of Marsha P. Johnson, the amazing black trans woman we have to thank for having a pride month ;)
hey, about the part where you say you're not authentic or brave and don't even know what your authentic self would look like... i wanna tell you that just doing these videos to educate ppl at the risk of transphobes attacking you (which they have done) and also share your emotions is great and it's progress in the right direction away from fawning
this was a masterpiece of a video essay, truly one of the best I've ever watched on this platform 🥺 this gave me so much comfort, knowing how you circled back to seeing your life as a true vacuum ah!!!!!!! I will be thinking of this for a long time...THANK YOU for making this!!!
this was so good. really really compelling. i've recently realised i am transfeminine and found the hardest part was not so much figuring out the specifics of my identity but understanding how i can reconcile it with society. I was finally able to become aware of some sense of authentic self, finally found a chance to break from the constant sense of playing a sanitized character for everyone, only to come up against the seeming impossibility of expressing it in the context of a world that doesn't understand. so even though i haven't had nearly the same experience a lot of this still really resonates with me. also can i just say how amazing the overall presentation of this is? the music, the visuals, the pacing, everything just comes together so perfectly to create such a perfect tone that really reinforces the content. there's a subtle, but effective, oppressive tension built up throughout, especially building up to the 27:00 mark. it's just a really fantastic piece of art.
love this! yesterday i presented a speech on transphobia and the myths behind it at my school. i love learning more about trans issues and the ways i can help as a trans person.
Wow, the part where you were messy angry around your partner's family but they still supported you authentically hit me hard. No support means as much as the support you receive at your least respectable, most uncurated points. Currently, I feel like it'll be my partner's parents who'll give that instead of my own. That probably made that part hit as hard as it did.
this video was incredible. you're really bringing something unique to youtube, first with the MOGAI video and now this one. both had a beauty and thoughtfulness to them that I haven't seen anywhere else on this platform, and i'm super excited to see what else you create for your channel.
I want to leave a comment to boost your engagement, but I have nothing of substance to add. This was a beautiful essay, and I'm glad to hear that you've found stability in your life
When you told that last story and talked about finding real stability, I was genuinely surprised to discover I'd started crying enough that I had to wipe a tear away. What a gorgeous video
That was brilliant and hard to watch. I really empathise with that cycle of rebuilding only to have everything fall apart. I'm really glad you've found some stability.
I was so impressed with the MOGAI video I subscribed, which was an amazing decision. This video was so informative and interesting and hit me right in the empathy. I hope the RU-vid algorithm smiles favorably upon you; because you have such an amazing and valuable voice. I don't have an income so I, unfortunately, can't support your Patreon, but I'll definitely recommend you to friends and keep giving you likes and comments. Thank you for making such top-notch content!
This video fucking shattered me. I’ve done a ton of community-building this year, but feel this anxiety chronically, and have been starting to get more disillusioned lately by encounters with transmisogyny in unexpected places. So this fully burst my bubble, like having a receipt printout of all my past several years’ worth of worries and ruminations read out to me by a psychic. I cried my eyes out afterward, then cried them out again the next day while writing a post about it which I later took down because it just felt too naked. I’ve never heard someone else articulate precisely my experience like this before, much less in such clear, nonchalant terms. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this; my first reaction is, “I need to build more community to keep me and my sisters safe” - but the whole point is that we will never get to trust in any of that until *after* it’s tested by an acute crisis anyway. I’m so f_cking tired.
I'm so glad to have found this video/channel, my partner of 4 years is trans feminine and has been really struggling with both finding and keeping work and it's really taking its toll on her. Our situation hasn't been the best since losing my job to the pandemic and I know she's been putting more pressure on herself to help provide, but the stress and confusion of being let go from one job after the other with hardly any reasons given is really breaking down her confidence. I'm trans myself, but as a (passing) trans masculine person living in a largely liberal city it can be easy to forget just how ruthless the world can be towards trans women in particular. Having someone speak so eloquently about this reality of trans living, this specific brand of instability that we face, has been incredibly eye opening and I will remember to be more patient and forgiving, as well as thankful for the life we have managed to build together in spite of all the hurdles.
This is beautiful. I'm amab and mostly cisgender (I've flipflopped about whether I'm nonbinary or not many times lol) but I've never really grokked the trans experience. This helped illuminate some of it for me. My dearest friend in the world realized last year that she is a transwoman, but she will not likely be able to transition for quite some time due to a very unsupportive family and cultural environment. Now that I've seen through your experience and knowledge how important social support is for trans people, I'm even more committed to doing everything I can to help her through this. Thank you.
This was one of the best thought out video essays tackling subject matter this heavy that I have ever seen and like your mogai video it was amazing, please keep up the good work
It honestly is really fucked up how just existing as a trans woman in society forces that mental stress on you, of constantly worrying about whether you'll lose everything. I'm extremely lucky as far as trans women go: I pass without issue, I have an accepting family (they even paid for my srs), I'm reasonably confident I'll be able to finish university with a couple degrees and find a good job after, the worst transphobia I've had to deal with is being harrassed on tumblr for a little bit once. I've got that stability and I've never known anything else. And yet I'm still always terrified, even if it's at the back of my head, that I'll lose it all because I'm trans. That I'm going to appear too aggressive or weird at the local lgbt+ org and be ostracised for that, that some terf decides I deserve to be taken down, or worse, that the currently relatively liberal and accepting climate in my country is going to evolve back into hatred and transphobia. I once put it to a friend that we always have to fear that, even if things seem alright, it's just the weimar republic all over again: a period of acceptance before we're all killed. It's like we're always standing on the precipice of a ledge and, as much as we can try to keep our balance ourselves, we know that if the wind gets just a bit too strong we're falling off.
I'm an AMAB non-binary person planning on transitioning once I go to college and this video filled this... deep indescribable void within me, or I guess has been part of the process of fulfilling that void, where for a long long time my conception of the future has been this kind of dead space or nebulous question mark because I've never been able to imagine a future for myself. Like, *a* singular future, or a path from point A to point B that doesn't just... collapse. And this video cuts really fucking deeply to the bone, but it also feels, like you said, that this concept of false vacuums and metastability has put a name to that uncertainty and in some way that hurts but it also feels like it might be the first step to charting it? And maybe this is weirdly personal and incoherent but I guess I felt a need to share that and say thanks, for taking that first step for me in a way. I'd donate to your Patreon if I could do it without getting outed, haha.
Oh my goodness. Another BEAUTIFULLY articulated piece! So SO proud of you, sweetie. Reading through the comments and knowing how much your work means to people just sends my heart soaring. Keep up this amazing work. The world needs to hear everything you have to say and you say it SO WELL! We love you so much, Lily!
I'm penniless, and unemployed. I am lucky to live on a farm owned by other trans women and I am welcome to stay here as long as I need, for life even. It's a rare blessing I know most don't have. After coming out I lost my first wife, company, family, house, and eventually literally everything I had owned. I was homeless for a year and was an escort for 2 years. It was dangerous and my late wife (she was trans and we were together for 2 years before she passed away) made me promise not to go back to tricking and I don't want to. I spend much of my life in isolation now and I used to run my own company and be active in a church community (who turned on me so vilely). I'm trying desperately to build some form of a life, but it's so hard and I feel so alone so much. 😢 I wish people would just let us fucking exist! I tried working and it's a scary nightmare, tricking felt safer to me than employment because I had a partner usually right in the next room in case things went bad. I've started avoiding media and news because I can't take the hate speech and bold faced lies. And I worry so much for the trans kids. I'm afraid of the future, but I try to remain hopeful.
I think so many transwomen live in a void because they lack the courage and initiative to continue to push the envelope. Early in my transition, I took the chance, and still pre-op, left my native Australia and got on a train in Hong Kong. I travelled solo, bumming trains through China, Mongolia, Russia, Poland, Germany, Holland, France and Britain. It was intimidating yes. There were problems, yes. Three times I was in serious danger of actually being killed. But ultimately, I survived. Those eventful 4 months will be the time I fondly look back on if my death bed provides time for contemplation. Don't accept limitations just because you are trans. Live your life to the full and be brave. Don't sell your existence short.
For me the feeling of metastability resonates much more with my neurodiversity than my transness, particularly ADHD. I am easily distracted and often forgetful. Almost every time that I run into problems in my life, I feel like I can usually trace it back to something that I should've remembered or noticed, but didn't. Which leads to this feeling that if only I'd paid more attention, focused more, just remembered the thing I could've avoided the disaster. And the thing about forgetting or not noticing the thing which will inevitably come back to bite me is that I almost never realize I've done so until it's too late. So I live, constantly, with this background anxiety worrying that I've forgotten something important which should've been obvious that will eventually cause everything to come crashing down. It's happened so many times before, and it will happen again.
So much of this was deeply relatable as a nonbinary person in their 30s. My 20s were constant instability, and even now as I've reached actual stability I struggle with CPTSD.
Im not a trans women but still figuring my gender out right now i identify as a gay man but I understand having to conform to society and hide because i do it all the time
I hope you are experiencing a lot of peace right now. You speak so much truth here. I attempted transition at one point in my life and backed out because of the experience of metastability that traumatized me. Perhaps things are easier now or maybe they are worse because of the backlash to wide acceptance. I don’t know. But although I live more as a gender fluid individual and maybe always will, my heart will always deeply empathize with those who have gone through the social challenges of full transition. I also don’t want to scare those who wish to do it. I can also say that I found acceptance and support in places and with people I never expected to find too. The challenge is real and the hope is too.
as a trans nonbinary person, this video was cathartic, similarly to how the article from the beginning was for you. i often feel as though people see me as just another number; a statistic rather than a whole person. i have to fight people with power over me, instructors, bosses, etc, about whether or not i should even exist. people who ive known and loved my whole life will refuse to call me by anything other than my dead name or "it." my whole life falls down at random times, and people still tell me im lucky to be alive. ive been assaulted, sexually abused, manipulated, harassed, silenced, and, possibly the most frustrating, the universe has struck me and my queer family with physical disabilities, chronic illness, and constant physical pain. i haven't actually finished the video yet but thank you so much for making it
I know this was posted a year ago so I'm quite late, and I'm not a trans woman, but as an afab neurodivergent person who was only recently diagnosed, this video really resonated with me and articulated the level of instability and lack of trust i feel even in a relatively stable life. Thank you.
Enby here. Damn, this video articulated some stuff... I’ve got enough privilege that a lot of this doesn’t apply to me directly, but the cascade effect of social punishment for breaking cis gender norms hanging over your head at all times... yeah, I feel that. Not to the same degree, but I feel that. Y’all have my solidarity, for whatever that’s worth.
there's so much here, thank you! even though I'm trans, i hadn't realized earlier that i've sectioned off transphobia and feminism, where feminism is widely for cis women and trans women are only involved if they "pass" as cis, which Obviously isn't the case.
Listening to this while doing a raid in world of warcraft and, not where I expecting to get feelings like this from, thank you for this, it made me realise some things about my own trans journey, and I’m so happy you’re stable and safe and dare I say happy?
Very powerful and enlightening video..as a father of a trans person I have tried to be as supportive as best I knew.. this video has been informative and will help
This was such a powerful video I nearly cried. I fully understand struggling with lack of stability in life and I wish you and all the people reading this, especially trans women, the very best in life. You are so worth it! ❤️❤️❤️
I've been trying to identify myself for the past few months, and I've recently discovered your videos. I love how you make me think. There is so much to everything you talk about and I can spend hours more thinking about all the things you've said and everything that extends out of that. I'm still in that process of reinventing myself until I find something I'm comfortable with, and seeing how you are able to find some kind of stability in you your existence gives me a lot of comfort in finding who I might be. Thank you for making such interesting and thought provoking content.
I love your content so much. I've been trying to find out more about the trans community and trans experiences because it's the part of the lgbt community I understand the least about. This video, I feel, brought me far closer to understanding the experiences of trans women specifically than any book I read or other video I watched. Thank you for making this it was incredibly insightful.
as a young trans person this was horrifying to watch. its been three years and I still haven't fully excepted my identity because im so scared to have to go through this. ive been through enough I don't think I can't do it, I don't want to be another statistic man fuck
Hey, I’m sorry this was such an upsetting watch for you. There’s no denying that it’s scary, but I think it’s also unequivocally so, so worth it. You learn how to navigate struggles like these and find peace despite all the bullshit. It’s only this hard sometimes. You got this.
hey hope you are doing alright. life is hard and it never gets easier but with time you grow stronger. I just turned 30 and am finally reaching a point where i feel like I can live my life. take it easy, life is not that serious ✌
To be honest, this hit hard. I'm a trans person starting high school in about 4 months, and until the last third of this video, I honestly fucking hated you for how much I envied you (it's not personal, just a hating every (trans) person hotter than me thing). I'm closeted in my school rn although I'm done in about 7 weeks, and I realised I was trans kinda late (despite very very clear signs), and this existential, constant dread of not being accepted - by my wider family to which I'm not out, - by my new classmates that I'll try to go stealth too for as long as I can, and to be honest, even by myself sometimes, is fucking crushing. Add that to the absolute isolation of a noname suburb and having a loose collection of fibers for a social safety net, with maybe one friend that'll come to the same high as me, it's just trash. Great vid I loved it, keep on being awesome babes
@@Bella_Rei Holy hell, I forgot I even made this comment lol. Writing from my new yt account, last one (one above) is associated with my deadname in the email address to which it's registered. It's been so long since I wrote this angsty ass paragraph lol. I can't really say if I was exaggerating or if everything I wrote there felt real to me at the time. I've really come into my own the past few years. That's not to say that it's always been easy, or even most of the time. More than once have I come apart entirely, more or less, but I came out better for it. Through all the emotions, long stories, conversations, songs etc. I think that I have come to understand who I am at my core and what I value, or have started to understand, anyway. It's a unique coming of age I've had, that's for sure. So much has happened since I left this comment. It's rare that I get a chance to reflect on such a long timescale. By chance, also - I just so happened to be at my computer when I got an email saying I got a reply to my comment. I could tell in - in bullet points - everything that happened: that weird love triangle about half a year after I made the comment, my hell of an eleventh grade year (that year was tough for everyone), the book I wrote between May and October, which is currently resting on the digital shelf, awaiting its much needed initial editing phase after I wrote the mass of text. I could tell you of all the pieces of art which I experienced in this time - the ones I can remember, at least - it's amazing how much music you listen to over three years. I could tell you of what I feel like now, or of the internal development I've gone through mentally and emotionally. I could write about all of those at length, I really could. It's hard making a narrative out of all these delineated yet intrinsically linked facts, stories, thoughts etc. Their only Connecting thread is me, I guess, which in a way is weird, almost surreal. To address your questions directly, after skirting around them for so many words - you must excuse this, for I have a terrible habit of going into tangents (can't help being a gifted burnout with ADHD not currently treated with medication) - I am doing well, overall. The past few weeks are not indicative, as my country is at war and I am in a bit of a trough in the overall-upward-going graph. I am okay, and my being out of the closet has made my life indescribably better. I've done a lot of stupid shit over the past few years, but I've also met amazing people, made great art and was witness to the creation of other great art and generally made use of my time in a pretty good fashion. While I always feel as though I've wasted most of it, this opportunity for reflection makes me see - for a moment - that it isn't so. What else could I have done? tl;dr - I am well, and have many amazing friend which I love and cherish ever so deeply - one of which is the aforementioned 'maybe one friend'. While my life is in a bit of a momentary downturn, I am overall very happy and content with my existence, creation and place in society. While I could use better sleep, less naps - which I think are a bit detrimental to me at times - and a less busy routine between Monday and Wednesday, including, I am happy and feel proud of what I've managed to do in the past few years. I've had my ups and I've most definitely had my downs, but overall life has just been getting better. Thank you so much for your inquiry and for the opportunity to reflect while listening to some of the old songs I listened to around the time I made this comment. I hope my answer wasn't too unfocused, long-winded or otherwise poor in expression and readability.
@@nom... 💖💖💖 Wow, lol. That comment had me kinda scared for you, is all. Glad youre doing okay. I just wanted to ask how your dread went because I'm trying to figure out what the future looks like over here. I'm like barely over 1.5 years into transitioning and I mean, i think ive got the bulk of it handled by now, but just, idk... I thought it would get easier, right? But it seems like the further i transition, and the better i pass, the more my old friends hate me. Idk, i just seem to make the guys uncomfortable by simply existing, and i don't have any trans or queer friends, and like, I guess they think i want to fuck them or maybe they're attracted to me and it bothers them??? And so I cant even be kind or bubbly at them or it pisses them off and like i don't hit on them or do anything like that, all i try to do is be a good friend and be nice to them. And like 1/4 of the women are starting to be mean to me now, like in some weird competitive way?? I've even been told by my friend's gf to basically stop talking to him. But me and her used to be so close, and i really haven't done anything but be nice to him, because he's been my friend for over 14 years, and he basically just had a mental breakdown, and tried to attempt suicide a few weeks ago. So like, i want to make sure he's okay. But again, just being kind to someone makes them hate me, like as if im sexually harassing them by asking if theyre okay and telling them i love them and dont want them to die??? I think? maybe? Idk but I really havent done anything close to hitting on them or anything, and I rly dont wanna just mark it up to being a transphobia type thing, but again, stuff like this keeps happening and no one can ever actually point me to exactly what I did wrong. Like. It's as if ppl see me as some sex fiend trying to lure in men or something. like the stereotype of trans people as tricksters, i guess?? idk. but im fucking tired of it. I dont have any fucking ulterior motives, I truly just want to be a good, kindhearted, compassionate person, and I feel like im being characterized as some wannabe succubus. Anyways, like, idk... I think I'm literally about to have to cut off ~80% of people i know and start over from scratch, and it just hurts, and is gonna be a ton of work. And again, I figured the more i transitioned, and the cuter i was, and the better I passed, it would get easier. But right now its still getting harder and I just want to know when it will get easier, or if it just gets harder and harder, because I really just feel like everyone I used to know has really just thrown me out for just wanting to be a happy, kind, cute girl. x.x Idk, whateverrrrr, sorry for so many words, just ive been going through this all week and i still have no answers for myself. lol
@@Bella_Rei Hey, thanks for your reply. Answering point by point: Yeah, my phrasing was a tad dramatic. I do tend towards that sometimes, I'll be the first to admit. Also - and this isn't related to anything, but if your pfp is anything to go by you're pretty gorgeous ngl. Not to make you feel objectified or anything, just a compliment. Personally I think it does get better with time. A year and a half doesn't mean much to me bc I don't know when you started counting, but I do remember a really hard, lonely middle period at least in my transition somewhere around that time, when I felt much the same. I personally think it does get easier, it's just that you can't see it right now. It's all stuff you realize when you look back. Think about you before you came out. It also really depends on age, I think. I've had the privilege to have my actual coming of age (or most of it; the good parts, anyway) coincide with my transition. I get how it might be very frustrating. I understand the 'weird' feeling from people who knew you before you transitioned. I don't exactly know how you identify (neither gender - though I do assume from your phrasing that you're transfemme in some way - nor orientation) but that doesn't really matter. I know it's much, much easier said than done, but finding good friends who stick by you and love you for you is so very crucial in just living, and in being trans in particular. Men are kind of tough around my age (I don't know how old you are) because many of them are very much still emotionally immature. They think of sex and can't see things in too nuanced of a fashion. They can't really be there emotionally in my experience, at least when it's not something that they can understand intuitively. As for the women - there is a weird competitive element between girls in some places/cultures as I've come to understand. I'm not that social of a person and I stay mostly on the sidelines and hate getting into drama because I just find most of it so petty, but I understand. I'm really sorry to hear about your friend, I hope he's doing alright. If you two are close and his girlfriend is trying to separate you I'd consider maybe thinking through the possibility that she's abusive to him in some way or that their relationship isn't the healthiest. I wouldn't hurry to chock it up to transphobia. I'd also consider confronting his girlfriend about it in a sensitive manner. I don't know how old y'all are, and can only offer the way I see it from my age, which isn't too too old. Seventeen going on eighteen in February. I'd also consider talking to your friends honestly and in a straightforward manner about how you feel - if you feel as if your previously healthy relationships are damaged, then it's very much so worth addressing. Before cutting everyone off, I think you should just give talking a chance. If they aren't open or receptive to that, maybe they aren't ready or intelligent enough emotionally yo process their feelings towards you and understand what your relationship means to them, in which case they might not be the best friends in any case. Idk, just spitballing. Being pretty isn't directly linked with things being easy. Not that I'd know lol. If you feel dejected for your identity or unwelcome in your social circle - hey, there's so many other people where you live! some of them might even gel with you really well, you should look into it. And no worries for the amount you wrote, I'm much worse of a rambler than you lol. If you wanna talk sometime about your situation or in general I'd love to, just write to me I guess and we'll figure it out. I hope you're well today: slept well, drank enough water, maybe had a funny thing to say or a nice conversation with someone. Best regards, much love
as someone who also struggles with feeling secure in healthy times due to trauma related to being neurodivergent it can be so demoralizing to reckon with feeling like something about your identity will inevitably lead to alienation from others and trauma. grouper has been a huge comfort for me recently as these feelings are on my mind. this video was very illuminating and well spoken as always :)
I think it's really great that trans people are talking about their real life experiences and forcing society at large to not just tolerate us, but understand us as a key facet of what it means to be human. Thanks for making this! (p.s. I love your taste in music)
I feel like this is an excellent companion piece with contrapoints video essay on canceling. I'd love to see more from you in the future. Keep the great work!
Everything sucks without connection. I've done some regrettable things to vent the feelings of pain caused by being disconnected. First you start to feel like an alien, and then you start to crumble apart, piece by piece. I cherish every moment of true connection as there was a time when I had given up on the possibility. Love can save a life.
"if you're someone who's reacently accepted themselves at trans it might be a bit of a downer" i don't really care if it could be a downer cuz i already feel down all the time and i refuse to stop going forward and exploring my identity because i always hesitate and waste too much time. i will probably feel pain because of how i feel but i refuse to stop or give up as i've done with other things in the past. i should probably get some help but i also refuse to do that. i've always wanted to fit in but never really felt like i did. i guess i'll keep on being lost for a bit now but i'll figure it out sooner or later and i will find my place(i hope)
This video is so beautifully made and written. Honestly brought me to tears. I look forward to your videos because the writing for your scripts is just *chefs kiss*
i think your channel and your videography are completely wonderful. i hope your work just keeps getting more popular because your nuanced take is seriously what we all need. i quote your mogai video to people all the time - i'm halfway through this one right now and very excited to see where it goes!
@@lily_lxndr thank you!!! i deeply related to this as a mentally & physically disabled person as well; we often experience similar precarity but with different community dynamics and prejudices. your commentary on trauma, social death and survival is very needed, especially right now. thanks again ❤️
Good vid, this one hit hard. I’m a pre everything girl who’s getting more impatient as I age to go for it, but also paralyzed by doubts, lack of support, not knowing how to be a functioning adult in society. Ayaya...
this was incredibly thoughtful and masterfully crafted. just, an incredibly necessary video. i'm thankful to hear that you have found stability, and hope any other transfem person reading this finds it as well. i am hesitant to say i fully relate as a trans man - transmisogyny is an entirely separate, vicious entity to the transphobia i may face - but feeling as if collapse is possible at any time deeply resonated with me.
Wow, does this hit home. I consider myself an ItFtM, intersex to female to male, and I relate to what was said. I grew up essentially as a trans woman, having people harass me before I even knew I was different from other girls. I went through a full medical transition that I did not want, I was forced into surgery and onto hormones. I came out as a "trans" man when I was 12, only then did my mom admit to forcing me into disfiguring my body before I even knew what puberty was. It's been so hard on me emotionally. My original intersex body is still what I aline with today. I would've been fine as I was, but instead I'm now disabled and mutilated from improper medical care. My childhood, and by extension my life as this gave me a terminal heart condition, has been stolen from me. All before I even knew what defined "girls" and "boys". It's been a hard journey. I had to fight to get on testosterone and am currently not receiving medical care outside of my male detransition because I simply can't handle it anymore. It's been hard for me regarding my body especially since I feel like I'm no longer desirable. I can't have children and I'm a genetic fuck up with mutilated parts. As a "girl", I was taught that my boobs were the only thing desirable about me. If it wasn't for my chest, no one would love me. It's something I'm still fighting 3 days before top surgery. Recently, my partner came out as mtf trans to me and I'm not going to lie, it's been rough. Not because of the fact that she's no longer my boyfriend and is instead my girlfriend, not because her identity changes at all really, but because I know the road she wants to go down. I've been down it myself. It's hard viewing mtf transitions without thinking of my improper care, without thinking about my complications and how my chest is literally caving in my ribcage. It's hard to accept her as mtf as I know she will have the world against her, and I want her as safe as possible. I want her to be happy as a woman of course, but I know the world will always see her as a TRANS woman and will treat her differently. And because of my disabilities and estrogen degrading my bones, I can't be there to protect her. It feels like I'm killing a phoenix; I know she will come back truly happy, but death and revival is slow and painful. I'm not sure what to do. I love her a lot and will be there for her, but I know she will get stuck in this void like me and many others have. I want her to be safe and happy but when there's so few trans women who are, is it really worth trying? I'm not going to stop her by any means (in fact, I'm the one who is getting her her first dresses and makeup) but... Fuck.
This was an incredible video, thank you. I know from rough experience the disposability you seem to suddenly have after coming out, even in progressive circles.
I’m glad your channel came up on my feed, even though I’ve made peace with the entire existential crisis stuff long ago it brings me joy to see this journey in others :)
This was fantastic. As a trans person, I related to so much of what you beautifully articulated. You put words to feelings that I never can express. Thanks for this.
This video articulated something I as a disabled person have struggled to put into words. There is a fragility in not having an acceptable role in society. And it affects everything, every relationship even if the other person doesn’t mean it to. Because I know the risks and that is enough to keep me constantly on edge.
I'm transmasc, but still very attached to my past as a woman and the "feminine" parts of me. On some level I can relate to these struggles. I'm in a tough spot too right now, but I believe it'll get better with time. Thanks for making this brilliant video 💜
