Giving Advice Is A Waste of Time. Do This Instead. | Jocko Willink | The Debrief 

Great. They then avoid me and don't waste my time.

The old saying "some people are immune to good advice"

great advice never heard it -"advise given when not requested is always going to be seen as criticism" perfect i wish I heard this years ago. thanks

Hey hey hey, didnt you see the sign? Stop giving advice 😄😄

But wait a minute, I like reinventing the wheel all the time...! lol

Good call

Thank you for the advice.

And maybe even ask a few carefully worded (written questions can easily be taken the wrong way) questions.

Well done!

not true.... it is those who are in trouble and are available for it.

Humility is the most important quality in a leader. Approaching a situation by asking earnest questions and allowing people to reveal the truth to themselves delivers the best possible outcome.

If they are genuine. Had a person I mentored for some time, who turned envious because I was already where she wanted to be. Turned out, she was full of delusions and I needed to walk on egg shells around her insecurities.

I truly would listen to my best friend for advice not just because he was an ex-Green Beret but because I knew that he truly cared and at the same time I knew I truly needed the help and advice.

Survival truth

Exactly

The problem with all of this, honestly, it's coming from an advice of authority, which means, no matter what you do to follow the advice, you're not that person, it's wrong to give advices like (piss off and be better) when I know one thing is not going to help out, whenever advices work out, it's because they did it themselves. Do not give advices, that's mine, take them and show them what to do, I remember receiving instructions from guys with thirty years experience and I was thinking, nobody here is going to learn that in one day they are all faking it, and they were, and the instructor was faking it, you either care about the other person to help them all the way and take him under your wing or you're just saying something to get rid of the troublesome guy asking for help.

@Muskeln-kaufende manipulators all around us, at least he is being sincere, his advice is for the other person to fake it until they make it. And to always Keep their head lower than his.

True self inception. Is crucial for the mind to digest things. Any masterful teacher is masterfully manipulative.

I usually just keep my mouth shut and stay joyful

Werd.

That’s not a saying, it’s just a sentence.

Years ago I was told “Don’t give advice unless people are asking for your help”. I firmly believe this is a good policy.

The noun is "advice", not "advise". The verb is "to advise".

unsollicited advice is also boundary violation, just ask first if the person wants your advice, or wants to struggle a little longers to figure it out on their own.

Very powerful. 100% agree. Sometimes they want to vent rather than take advice. Asking questions still leaves power in the hand of the person needing help and so they learn to discover the things they need to do.

Exactly. Also, it's baffling why so many people think they will solve a problem by giving unsolicited advice without bothering to fully understand that problem first.

It's coaching vs mentorship, coaching them is making them reach the solution themselves so they actually learn it. You move into mentorship when the person reaches the end of their own means, and understands that

As a 45 year old guy with a 33 year old boss, I tell a lot of stories about how things went wrong and how things went right. I ask a lot of questions about what he thinks about things. And I 100% don't want his job. Helps quite a lot.

Sounds like me in the Army reserve, when I learned what young officers and commanders deal with. No spank you!!!

🎯

and everybody is free to ask for advice, if they realy want it!

1000 %

If I'm being honest, maybe that's actually what they need. They don't need advice. They just need your emotional support while they try and figure stuff out themselves, even if they're doing it stupid. If anyone needs advice, they can straight up ask for help. Until then, just sit and listen.

you nailed it brother. yep everybody expects me to fix their problems, but nobody wants to fix mine.

It sounds like you needed some advice. Very few people actually ask for help. Complaining isn't an invitation or a fire you need to put out. There are way too many of us who find it easy to pretend we have answers. We put problems on ourselves. You're bitter that they didn't resolve themselves. It's okay to give advice, but pick your battles. Start with the most important people in your life, then realize most everyone else doesn't matter, and that you don't know them or what you're talking about anyway.

I don't either. I usually just speak in generalities when people are talking to me about issues. They'll say something about their girlfriend lets say, and I'll tell them something like "Yea, in society I see this or that happen in these kinds of situations, and it makes me think I'd be better off doing x or y."

I think you just gave advice to everyone on the internet

@@OhNoNotAgain42ego alert

Thanks the advise!

I’m selective in who I spend my advice calories on. I prefer to give info to a broader team, you never know who it may impact.

Good advice!

Ha! It’s good advice to avoid giving advice. I would consider taking it.

That was great! Reminds me of "you don't know what you don't know? Until you know that you don't know it" 😀

My advice is that you should take his advice.

You came here, so you his format works. We are willing and eager to listen to his advice. Take this into account when giving others advice, only when they ask. Man, this hits real hard for me. Never thought of the need to give advice as part of an ego issue for me…..man. This is especially hard for me parenting my 9yo son. He’s stopped listing at all. I’m trying to figure it out by looking to myself, but I think this right here is part of the answer. Just stop telling him anything until he asks or shows interest. Seems super wild, but I don’t think we can have a great relationship until this line of communication is opened. Thanks for the thoughts gentlemen!!

If the idea is not harmful to others Let people take action Humans learn best from actions not language

How do you help others constantly ?

You have no idea how many times I have been through that over the years. People ask, ignore the advice or just say that's too hard.

Exactly my thoughts and also had similar experiences. You can't save them from themselves. Try being a good person, if you see that they're hopeless, just save yourself some time and a headache and move on.

Approach every conversation with the assumption that the person you disagree with or the person you aren’t aligned with might know something that you don’t.

Let people make their own decisions Show them through actions how to act People like acting not speeches

Well said.

Yep.

Ego can be a power lever to influence people to do what they should for the good of the team and the mission

Especially when that mission is making the weapons manufacturers lots of money

Go with someone else’s ideas whenever you can

Sometimes that’s all we can do

That's the best advice. It's also comforting at the same time

I watch my foreman do it weekly.

Right on. Thanks for the feedback. Stay on THE PATH.

You got issues.

You sound like the narcissist. People do irrational things when ill in hospital. People are driven by emotions. It appears you hate him for that. Maybe more happened. I wasn't there. But to enjoy harming him? You are not well.

@@lukejones1600 He behaves like that every time even when not in the hospital. The hospital episode was just way above his normal insanity cos they removed several of the anti-psychotic drugs he has to take to keep him under control. No, Im not the narcissit. I've been suffering this abuse since I was a child and I never understood why my father was completely different from my all my friends and neighbors' fathers and why I and everyone else were always stepping in eggshells when near him. he's the type of guy that envites people over for christmas (just to obtain admiration of others as a generous man, a good host etc - so typical of narcissists) and of course, he only selects people that he knows will never antagonize him, even the slightest, but then when everyone is sitting at the table happily talking to eachother he keeps watching everyone's conversation and when he manages to find anything he dont like he proceeds to yell "I dont want any of this type of talk in my house (which is not even his house btw, it's mine), you either change your topic of conversation or you can leave." He's done that numerous times. His need for always being in control over others is simply pathological. yeah, Im the narcissist alright... he have always behaved like that, since I can remember. he's a person who expects others to admire him, and is completely uncapable of admitting his erros and constantly blame his erros on others or make up completely lame excuses that will (in his mind) make him believe it was not his fault. He treated my mom as his servant her whole life, forcing her to do all the chores at home plus all the paperwork and redtape needed (paying bills, going after documentation, you name it), even knowing that she had a job of her own. His daily routine was LITERALLY waking up, breakfast, work, come home, dinner, and rest. Rinse and repeat. Never moved a straw to help a zit at home, never fried an egg, never did the dishes, never picked up a broom. Everything was on my mom's back, until my father retired and then she had to endure him 24h a day, and 2 years later died of cancer, probably because she couldnt handle 24x7 of him. This is just the tip of the iceberg, trust me I could stay here writing a whole book, you wouldnt believe the type of person this monster is. Of course you can always find worst peple, like killers, rapists etc. He does have his virtus though (a very honest man), but completely uncapable of functioning in social gatherings for a prolongued period of time. He's only able to wear his social "good guy" mask for a couple hours, then the masks fall off and people see right through. He has definately gone worse with age, not because it is the aging process that creates this things, but because the aging process exposes and creates several vulnerabilities, both physical and mental, and the typical narcissist hates that, since in his mind he's always above others, and when he sees he's not above someone, he starts to put that people down under the most ridiculous claims. He needs to put other people down in order to be above that person. There's a huge difference between trying to put someone down because he or she actually has a shortcoming, than to just make shit up in order to fit your narrative, which is what he does.... ALL THE EFFING TIME! to the point where he now pushed away everyone from his life, including his sons and daughters, and people who he used to consider friends. Virtually no one wants to be near him. The only person who lives more closely to him is his caretaker, but only because he pays her, and even her already threatened to quit his job cos she couldnt take it anymore. yeah, Im the narcissist alright... how dare me not wanting to submit to and enduring a person like that, right? shame on me! A person who is uncapable of accepting advice from others, he is not even able to TOLERATE people who thinks differently. Everyone who has a different opinion on any topic, specially political or religious topic, is treated as an enemy. Yeah, Im the narcissist alright... narcissism has no cure according to psychologists, it can only be managed if and only if the person admits and put an effort into it, a thing he's not going to do since he's not even able nor willing to admit he has the disease. he's ignorant, cos he doesnt know he has the disease. he doesnt want to know. he's angry at those who do know. He constantly exhibits what I call the "trifecta" of human tragedy: ignorance ==> arrogance ==> intolerance Ignorance: he thinks he's right (but isnt) arrogance: he thinks he's right and others are wrong intolerance: he thinks he's right, other are wrong and must change their way of thinking in order to match his way of thinking (or else there will be punishment) Im done with him, if you deal with a narcissist before you'll know that the last thing on earth the person wants to hear is that he has this illness called NPD narcissistic personality disorder. The narcissist has no flaws in his mind, and being framed as narcissist is considered an attack, and not something on which he has to work. Just the simple suggestion that someone else is telling him what to do is perceived as an attack. In his mind, he's the boss, he tells other people what to do, never the other way around. The best thing for me is ignoring him. That's the advice most if not all psychologysts give to people in my position. Look it up if you must. That kind of psychopathic condition stems from (according to most psychologists and books I've read - trust me I've read a lot about otherwise I would never be able to pinpoint who he is) some childhood trauma, which in his came makes total sense since his father, my grandfather, was even worse than him, father of 10 childre, always beating them up an threatening them, controlling every aspect of their lives, used to beat up my granny a lot... It seems this was pretty much the norm back then in the 30s and 40s, but this doesnt make it right, does it? I tried to help for years, but the narcissist sees this as an attempt to put him down, as an attack to his ego, since he sees himself as "so superior" and thus simply cannot be below other people. It's a truly sad state of affairs... the disease actually prevents him from even acknowledging he has the disease. Yes, I was joking when I say it's fun, only someone being raised by a narcissist since kid would understand that kind of dark humor and what's like to be raised under psychological torture, threat and intimidation. Try to frame me as the villain as u must. You're just plain wrong.

@@harryfrance _You got issues_ Sure, sure... Wanna trade places with me to see what's all about? No? Didnt think so... My issue is that my father is a full blown psychopath narcissist (basically a narcissist coupled with lack of empathy) That's my issue. So you've got that right at least... Do you have a narcissist father? If yes, I'm willing to read about your fathers case. If you dont, and youre not a psychologist, your opinion is just as good as any.

@virusmyth You may want to reflect on what it us that drives you to write essays to strangers in a youtube comment section whilst seemingly becoming quite upset or ‘triggered’. God bless you brother x

I think it's a starting point. But if it doesn't work then move on to other approaches.

Extreme ownership is a nuanced concept, like MOST things in life- you have to hold seemingly opposing viewpoints simultaneously and this requires a high level of self awareness many people don’t have. HOW TO USE THIS: view it as a tool, meant to achieve a specific outcome in a specific context, not as a core philosophy to have 24/7. Obviously people are responsible for their actions, obviously people can be terrible teammates, obviously this is just the truth. BUT that’s not the point of this mindset. Extreme ownership is a TOOL to use in a situation where failure isn’t an option. When your team sucks and yet you’re stuck with them and need to make it work anyway. This is where you take some “nuance” out of your toolbox and say to yourself, “well, complaining about the fact that my team members suck isn’t going to change anything, in fact, me reminding them that they suck is often going to make them WORSE and less cooperative. So what I have to do right now, is BE the change that I want to see. Rather than trying to force my ideas onto stubborn people, I will take a more indirect approach, by being an example, or by rephrasing my language so that it doesn’t trigger their ego. Flipping the narrative in to the mind to say “it’s all on me” is a good way to make all these subtle fixes. It’s a strategy, you’re playing a role, you’re taking the approach that has the highest likelihood of causing positive change in that specific scenario. This is the whole point, just gotta understand when it’s beneficial to flip your mindset. It should be a conscious, tactical decision you make. Obviously you wouldn’t tell someone in an abusive relationship that it’s their fault and they didn’t take enough ownership of their abusive partner lol after a certain point if you’ve used all your tools, and there’s no solution. Then it’s an impossible situation, and you should leave. But many times in life, especially at work, it’s not impossible it just takes a different approach. And if that specific difficult relationship is worth it to you, and you’re willing to put in some extra effort, then you could choose “extreme ownership” to good effect, despite it being a bit more tedious and challenging (because it’s nuanced and goes against your default logic and instincts)

​@@DevilFrog61 thanks for the clarity, I was struggling with the same thought. I just left an abusive relationship, and was struggling to understand how I could have made it work by thinking it was my fault that I was being treated that way.

Based

4real

😆

Typical Greek woman

Ask her what she thinks she should do.

She's my sister too...

Who gets the incentiv? ;-)

Spot on

Oh the irony of this video...

It might seem that way; it isn't. If you have a person at work that is under you, and they're not doing their best, and you take accountability for that, it now becomes easier for you to be more assertive and let them know your expectations of them, because you're letting them know you're going to be checking in and seeing to it that your expectations are met, and not letting them use you as a doormat. You to yourself: "This person's low performance is my responsibility and I have to help them see how they can do better, then make sure they hit their mark." You to them: "Hey, how you doing? Look, I just got told that there's some stuff that's not quite getting done well enough. I might not have been clear enough as to what my expectations are, so I'm going to go over it again so we can meet those goals. If you have a question, feel free to stop me while I talk so I can help you out... ...So, now that we've got that out of the way, I'll check in and see how you're doing later, and see what we can still work on. Feel free to ask for help if you need it, too. I expect everyone to do their best, and that means you, too. Thanks for all your hard work." With that interaction, you made your intentions and expectations clear in a respectful manner, and let them know what they need to do to be better. And you're a team now. You let them know that you're here to help them meet those goals you set, not just criticize them if they fall short. They can help you look good if you help them be their best. That's real leadership.

@@KevinJ42And what if they just don't give a fuck. That's your fault too. How many different people do you have time in your day to attempt to utterly take control of even if you wanted to and that makes sense? It can't be your responsibility to mold every person into what you want them to be. On top of that, how do you make sure what you're asking of them even is a thing that matters? I've just now heard this idea, so I'm still trying to wrap my head around the implications but my first guess is that it's just a way for control freaks and "leadership bros" to feel better about themselves and create something actionable, which seems like a very soldier thing to do. They can't live in a world where there isn't something they can do. They can't sit idly by as people do things wrong. Instead of staying still and doing nothing in situation that requires it, they feel uncomfortable and have to invent something they can be doing to change the existing situation. And if you can't change other people, you falsely assume the blame you don't deserve and know you don't deserve (because again group blame is what the military teaches you) and by doing so it makes you think a situation where the control was not in your hands suddenly shifts to you. "What can I do better or differently to make a decision, that doesn't belong to me, end up the way I think it should". And if it fails you just go back, "How did I fail to influence the person in control of the decision to do it right". I just imagine them watching a basketball game and thinking like this on every shot attempt. I think there is a certain perspective of this that could be used for good, but the taking responsibility for the failures of literally everyone around you seems absurd in every way.

@michaelrudolph7003 If someone gets a job and then refuses to do the job they got hired specifically to do because they don't care at all, they get fired. But you have to give them those chances before you do that, because it's possible that they might actually change their course. Will they? Who knows? If they care, they'll prove it to you by doing their best. But when the time comes to let them go for the good of the team, now you actually have good reason to do so. "We went over this stuff several times and you've made zero effort to improve in those areas. It doesn't seem like you want to be a part of this team; I have no other choice but to accomodate your wishes. Pack up your desk and leave." You lead the team and individuals, but if the individual doesn't want to be a part of the team, you lead them to the door and show them the way out so you can effectively lead the people who actually DO want to be there.

doesn't make that any form of teaching an insult ? Who gets to draw the line between advice and teaching ?

Also, what if the choices you are making, the way you're thinking, etc are in need of a good insult? If things often go poorly for you when you make choices perhaps your current approach needs some insulting and some ego readjustment.

@@michaelrudolph7003🎯

I’ve give advice thousands of time, most don’t want to give you credit. Sometimes it’s best to not give advice at all…become a valuable asset staying quite, and letting people learn from your examples. Your precious time is drained through negative energy, some thrive on you falling back.