Learn about how marriage was arranged, brides were picked, my sister marrying a prophet, and what it was like having one sister married at only 15 years old!
I had an "arranged" marriage, in my culture it used to be quite common. However, just to go a bit more in detail, it's done much differently. So one set of parents would send a proposal to another set of parents. (Traditionally, it is the boy's family who sends the proposal to the girl's family.) The parents speak to their kids before hand and ask, what do you think of this person? Are you interested in getting to know them, etc.? The children are allowed to refuse and say, no not interested. If the kids say yes, then the two families will have several meetings to discuss things and the kids will get to know each other. During this time period, the kids are allowed to back out at any time if they don't feel any chemistry, there's no permanent engagement at this point. There is no time limit, this process can go on for months, or sometimes even up to a year. My (now husband) and I were engaged for about a year before we got married. It is interesting to learn arranged marriages are done differently everywhere. That being said, this practice is not so common within my community anymore. From time to time, you hear it but not as much.
@@shanachayadavison5857 Wow I didn't know Shidduch is done in a similar manner. Interesting. So my family is Pakistani Muslim, and my husband's family is Indian Muslim.
@@cookiesncream789 yeah, it’s near identical. I always describe it as blind dates set up by a matchmaker until you find the person you want to marry. Tbh I find that Islam and Judaism have a ton in common, far more so than with Christianity. Though obviously a lot of people disagree with me on this.
@@shanachayadavison5857 I totally agree! I briefly studied Judiasm in high school and was amazed at how similar the religions and traditions actually are.
@@shanachayadavison5857 historically there is a reason why Islam and Judaism have so much in common. I would recommend google dive. It’s a fascinating history lesson.
i have tears streaming down my face for the thoughts of what your poor sweet sister went through on the eve of her wedding and then her wedding night to an 80 year old man with 60 wives....sigh. ..... It had to be absolutely horrifying. god bless her soul. i am horrified for her.
It’s so shocking to hear that people saw things like this happen and then have the nerve to say they were never aware of any abuse in their community, like what do you think you were watching?? There’s so much that people don’t recognize as abusive or toxic when they’ve been raised in it, but still.
There is a book by Rebecca Wall (I think that's her name) about being a young woman married to Rulan Jeffs when he was in his 80s, it sounds utterly awful. After he died she was able to escape the FLDS.
We’re there any cases of infertility. Like wives that couldn’t get pregnant or had issues (miscarriages, etc)? I imagine that was viewed as a bad sign from God.
Thank you for watching! A lot of what you see on tv has added drama to make it seem more intense. There is truth to a lot of what you see but also some added things that I believe to be false. I know of some people who had already left the community, and then returned with a hidden camera, making it seem like they were trying to escape. I hope this answers your question.
Sam and Melissa, have you watched Big Love? I adored the series even though it was a Disney-ifed version of polygamy. Lots of stuff (after the first season IIRC) about lost boys. Critically acclaimed fwiw.
I know many of Rulon's wives married Warren after Rulon's death. Was your sister one of those? (Also, I completely understand if you don't want to/aren't able to answer that.) If so, how has that effected your family, or how does it effect them now?
What happens to the wives when a man dies or leaves. Like your sister with the 80 year old prophet. Was she reassigned? Where is she now? It’d be fascinating to hear where your siblings are now.
Your channel is an incredible find through the YT algorithm. Thanks for sharing. What happened to your sister once the prophet died? And did any of your family live at the YFZ compound?
We are so glad you found us too! =) My sister was remarried to another man after the prophet died. And, no, none of my family lived in the YFZ compound.
It sounds like your fathers first wife was a ‘love’ match. Being the only wife for 15 years ..... then welcoming in a younger sister wife I think might be challenging. Did you notice tension between the mothers or your dad favouring a wife over another? I have watched quite a few of your videos now and it seems as if the mothers had a good/positive relationship with all the children. What is the age difference between your father and your mother and his third wife? It sound like his 4th wife must have been a widow and assigned to him to provide care for her. Am I assuming correctly? Did any of your sisters object to getting married? Did any of them experience trauma? Wondering if your mother and father were ‘loving’ towards one another. I think I would cringe if touched in any way by a man so much older. It is hard for me to wrap my head around it. I know LDS church does not practice polygamy, but it is my understanding that they still promote having large families, dressing modestly and being ‘sweet’. Am I wrong?
I just found your channel, I think that it was reccomended because I have been watching a lot of ExMoLex's videos. But this is fascinating to get unfiltered perspectives on the FLDS church that hasn't been dramatized or edited for TV. I am appalled that this went on. I'm happy Sam is out and looks so happy. I hope his sister got out, I'll keep watching.
After Rulon Jeffs died, where did your sister go? Did she come back home? How old was she when he died, and how long were they married? Has she ever spoken with you about her time in that house with 60 other wives? Can women visit their families of origin after they are married and can they go back to their family of origins homes to stay for a few days if they need a break?
Where there enough women to go around if there were multiple wives for the men? Were some men single all their lives because there weren't enough women for them?
I'm not sure "a little bit frustrated about it" is the right sentiment..... hoping the inner feeling is a bit stronger then what you showed here to be honest. It would be interesting to know what happened to these sisters of yours - are they still married to these men that "god" picked out for them?
Thank you so much for being willing to share vulnerable (and even uncomfortable) parts of your story. I've been learning a lot! I have a question: Mathematically, how does this work? If every man "just" had 2 wives, you'd need twice as many women as men in the community. But it sounds like many men had more than just two; that's so many women! Were there really that many women/girls in the community? Or did a lot of men end up staying single? (Or, do you think this is what led men to marry younger women/girls, and/or contributed to some of the men wanting to leave?)
Sam your very diplomatic in explaining your feelings about your sisters marriages, I can tell you are very uncomfortable with it, I can imagine thinking about that is hard 😔
Great video, have always found this topic to be very interesting. Just subscribed! Would love to hear your thoughts on the show Sister Wives. Thanks for sharing! 😊
Wow... I don't know how I ran upon this channel, but I've binge watched several of your videos now, and I have to say, I'm so happy for you both. 💜 I do have a question, though. What happened to the wives if the husband passed away? Specifically, like what happened with your sister and all the other wives when Rulan (sp?) passed away?
So glad you found us! When a husband passed away, the wives would get reassigned. My sister actually got reassigned to one of Rulon's sons after he passed away.
@@GrowingUpinPolygamy oh, wow! That's crazy. I can't imagine how they would feel just being uprooted and assigned to a new husband and his current family. Well, I can't imagine arranged marriage's to begin with, though, so it's all out of my realm of understanding and comprehension. Did any of the girls ever seem genuinely happy and excited when they found out they were getting married, or was it mostly just nervousness? This topic has always intrigued me because, in my head, marriage is for two people that have gotten to know eachother and decided they're in love and can tolerate the thought of spending the rest of their lives together 😅. I know that two people can grow to love one another over time, but I just can't fathom being told that I have to marry a stranger I know nothing about. 😳 It would terrify me! Those women have an amazing resolve to be able to face something so permanent, and unknown, solely on their faith. I only wish they were able to see more of the outside world, and know they have other choices if they desire. It breaks my heart for the ones that don't want to be there but feel they have no other option. I support everyone having the right to choose their own path in life, and to live however they feel is best for them, but it seems unfair that they're never shown any other way so that they CAN make their own choice. Like, the Amish give their kids time to go out and explore the world so they can decide if they want to come back and be baptized into their church, or not. They get the choice, and I think that's so important. Not getting it is like someone telling you that chicken is the only good meat, and beef is horrible, your entire life. And that you can't ever ask anyone else about it or try it for yourself because they would just lie to you anyway, and why would you not believe the people you love and respect the most? .. then you'll always believe the beef is horrible because they've blocked you in from every side so you never even had the chance to try it and find out for yourself if you like it or not. I just think having the choice is so, so important, and I know most of the women feel like they don't have that, so my heart breaks for them. I'm done with my rambling tangent now. 😅 I hope your family is doing well and staying safe!
I would like to suggest an episode topic about what happens after a family patriarch dies. Where do the wives go and who owns the home? Do they have any assets from the patriarchs estate? Do women have their own bank accounts?
What happens to the wives when their older husband dies? Do they get assigned to a new one ? Or just continue living as a family without a dad or husband ?
Great question! I know of some wives that remained living alone after their husbands died, like my grandmother. In some cases, however, a widowed wife would be reassigned to another man. For example, my Father's 4th wife was assigned to him after losing her husband. I guess it just depended on each person and what the leaders felt was best. In the event that a husband passed away leaving more than one wife behind, some might get reassigned to another man while others did not. And in some cases the wives that were "Sister Wives" were assigned to different men. This topic is one I'll expand on in a video.
I recently learned about the sealing process, specifically in the Mormon church where men can still be sealed to multiple women (because of death, divorce, etc) but women cannot be sealed to more than one man. I find this to be so sad because natural events can cause a person, specifically a woman, to have more than one love on their life. Does that play into the reassignment or remarriage of wives? (does that make sense? Lol)
Very interesting! It’s similar during Joseph Smith and Brigham Young. It’s like traditional. It’s so sad the younger or teens have no chance to learn their own life but God have a good to take of them. Thanks for sharing and very much enjoying!
I just found your channel and love your openness on some pretty tough topics. I grew up around a lot of LDS people but am Baptist myself. I had heard growing up (specific to LDS teachings, I didn’t know anything about FLDS until much later) that it was “bad” for a woman to be single upon her death...meaning if she was of marrying age but not married when she died, the afterlife was not favorable for her. Is that true? And is it true in the FLDS church as well? Would there ever be scenario where a woman in the FLDS church who would not be married, ever?
Great question. It is true in both the LDS and FLDS religions that a single woman can not obtain the highest degree of glory in the next life. It was rare for a woman in the FLDS to not marry, but it still did happen. In the FLDS it was told that if they didn't get married it was because God had not chosen that for them in this life, where the LDS it just happens when women don't find someone to get married to. Both religions however do believe that those women will have a chance to be married in the next life so that they can obtain the highest degree of glory.
How long after leaving did you learn that arranged marriages where not a common thing? When you learned about actually meeting someone and dating, what questions did you have about that? When you met your wife, how did it feel knowing you two chose each other versus being told you were picked?
Thank you so much for your interesting channel! It's very interesting to hear about that strange parallel world existing out there You said the girls and their husbands would just drive off - was there no wedding ceremony with the family and friends at all?
I really don’t understand why the FLDS have arranged marriages because I think it would work better if you could choose who you want to marry. Also choose what family you want to be part of. I’ve always felt icky about arranged marriages. All people should have freedom of choice. What if the husband and wife are not compatible in any way. Can the husband ever decide that he doesn’t want to be married to a wife anymore? And If so is the wife put with another guy right away. Gosh this subject brings up so many questions within me. It’s such an interesting topic and I have a friend that was in a plural marriage for quite some time. He passed away and she ended up remarrying. I’ve actually been in a polygamy church in Murray Utah it might of been Salt Lake City I really don’t know that area very well but ya I went to church with her for Mothers Day. It was interesting but I actually liked the sermon a lot. Different members of that church stood up and talked about their mother’s and how it was to have so many moms. And it seemed like for the most part the people who talked enjoyed coming from such a big family. I’m an only child so having brothers and sisters for me would be so great.
So the main thing with arranged marriages out there is that they believe that every marriage is arranged by God, through the prophet. With such strong belief that it was God's will, there really wasn't much fuss over the marriages. There were times that a man would ask permission to be arranged with a certain woman, and then the prophet would approve of that, but I only know of one couple that separated because of not being compatible. Eventually they felt guilty and got back together anyway haha. The only time women get remarried is when they are widowed or if their husbands get kicked out of the church.
Do 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc wives list the dad on the birth certificate or do they avoid it to fly under the radar from the government that the dad has many wives?
I'm curious what information the prophet had before saying he received the revelation that it was time for someone to get married. That is, how did he know that "Bill" was supposed to marry "Sally"? Did he make it a point to meet people? Did he interview them? Did he just look at names on a paper (church roles?) and realize some female in her mid-20s wasn't married yet and it was time to find a man for her? Do you know how the decisions were made, or was this process closely guarded/secret?
As a young boy I was taught and believed that it was direct revelation from God (who of course knows all of his children) to the prophet on who was supposed to be married. Obviously now I realize that there must have been more to it, but I am not aware of the full process. I do know that when he had received a revelation of who was to get married, he would call the father of the girl and call the husband to be and would arrange for the couple to meet with him in his office. After the prophet met with the couple (this wasn't an interview really because the decision that they were to be wed had already been made) he would let them get acquainted for a few days before the wedding. The weddings just happened in the office or home of the prophet, so it normally happened very quickly.
Not really. After a couple was assigned to be married, they would get to meet and get to know each other for a couple days before they were married. That was it.
It makes me wonder if thry could really tell the difference between their new teen wife and a teenage daughter at that point. 60 wives. How do you keep track?
Hi Michelle! My Mother was the second wife and yes, my Father was listed on my birth certificate. Birth Certificates are a state legal thing so we all still had to have them.
I know I'm late, but I've watched some of the interviews from people that have left the Kingston group and they've said only the 1st wives children get the real fathers name on the birth certificate and all the others are either fake names or blank. Is that just because it's a different group?
Do you think that higher ups in the church might have asked for a wife or maybe your father didn't want more wives? In other words was there any form of communication about the marriages with the men or did it straight up just come from one person. Did the men express desire for a wife and then the profet decided when and who? It also seems like the first wife might have been replaced when the first wife slowed down in the baby making department so did that have anything to do with it? Did it have anything to do with how much money was brought to the church by a family? I have so many questions 😄 I'm just trying to understand the reasoning! It's all so horrible to think about!
I have 2 questions. 1) With all the people in the church, how does the "prophet" know which girl to pick? I mean does he have a photo album to look through and just say eeny, meeny, miny, moe? 2) How do the mothers feel about their young daughters just being plucked from the family to marry some old geezer?
He was separated from his family by Warren Jeffs. He was told he had "sinned" even though he didn't know what he had done. It is a super sad situation that has happened to a lot of men that had power once Warren was put into prison.
Great news hope his entire family left that church. God is about keeping families together not ripping them apart. That alone should tell you enough that this is a false religion
Is Hilldale the same place as Short Creek? Have you seen the movie Child Bride of Short Creek? 1982? Helen Hunt, Conrad Bain, Christopher Atkins, Diane Lane. Good movie, I'd love to hear your reaction to it.
The man never proposes since it is set up from church leaders. As far as refusal, I guess they could, but I never saw that happen. But to refuse a marriage would be to refuse the prophet's revelation.
How is it that if the first wife and your dad were married for 15 years then your mom was assigned to him (at 18-19) how are there kids the same age or older?? Wouldn’t they be 15 or younger?
My father's first wife had 11 children with a few years apart she was still having her youngest children when my mother was married to my father and started having children right away. Then the third mother married my father just a few years after my mother, so most of the siblings closest to my age are from my mother and the third mother.
So after reading another comment about men staying single of there wasn’t a wife for them, how did that work with the belief that they had to have 3 wives to go to the afterlife? Did they not make it or was there an exception?
So the men married multiple women. The law of averages says that there's about 50% boys and 50% girls. So if one man had 4+ wives, what did the other men do for wives?
Also... I've watched all the Escaping Polygamy episodes and all the fringe podcasts in between... There's a certain voice inflection that is common with people from flds communities. I do notice, however, it differs based on the community (UAB, Order, etc). Is that a weird observation orrr... What are your thoughts on it? For example, Yolanda from escaping polygamy seems to have similar voice inflections to Sam's ( a lot of them have similarities but Yolanda stands out to me for some reason). Last also but... Also... For what it's worth I just discovered your channel. I LOVE hearing your personal perspectives in EVERY video. I appreciate your sharing very much... But I find myself wanting to know so much more about every short vid clip topic! What's the best way to submit follow questions and ideas?
Thank you so much for watching! There are definitely different accents depending on what group people are from haha. You can just ask any of your questions here in the comment sections or you can email us at growingupinpolygamy@gmail.com. We are also hoping to do another Q&A here in the next few weeks where we can dive a little deeper with our subscribers and answer a lot of questions in a couple hours instead of 10 minutes. Keep an eye out for that! We would love to have you there!
