I'm a strong FA with a DA lean, but this was immensely helpful because I have very strong abandonment wounds. You hit the nail on the head with what a visceral sensation it is to feel, even as an adult, that I'm going to be abandoned. It extends beyond my romantic relationships. Close friends can trigger this in me too. It is so hard to relax and just enjoy closeness when I feel like I'm constantly having to be on the look out because I assume everyone will leave. Thank you for your work, Thais
i'm beginning to use my time in no contact to really work on myself. instead of trying to justify and rationalize all the reasons my partner left, its a better use of my time to focus on my own attachment issues. your videos have been super helpful for me in taking my first steps to recognize my harmful behaviors. everything in this video made it click as to why i have these tendencies and it feels like i've just had a breakthrough. thank you!
I feel the same way. My partner just broke up with me yesterday and i recognize that I failed to meet his needs (being respected when we speak rather than me getting activated, defensive, and yelling) because I was so preoccupied with being on auto pilot and letting life happen to me. while I continue to pray that he has a change of heart, I also have to stop feeding into these patterns because i don't want this to become all of my relationships (romantic or not)
“When someone pulls away” that phrase is so shattering. But, I will say, since following you and attending PDS, I’ve been able to step back a bit & view myself in-process. I still feel the feels, but I’m getting better. Just want to say thank you, Thais & PDS team. 🙏🏽
I’ve always struggled with admitting I have a fear of abandonment, because I was sure if it was really true, but once you said “perceived abandonment” it really, really hit home. Now it’s all makes sense
This almost took my breath away, made SUCH sense. My Lord, I become so scared to loose people that logically I know I don't want a relationship with, but once I feel they want to leave I freak out, which means it's bc I feel my needs won't be met. Never knew this and never understood why I want someone I didn't want
My dad passed when I was 8. My mom was so overwhelmed raising 5 kids I know it made my lean toward anxious. I never felt anything but secure in my adult relationships until my wife got really confused because she has repressed memories of a past traumatic relationship so she became numb and thought it was us. Now she is working on herself in therapy and I’m working to understand her attachment style FA and working on mine Anxiously Preoccupied.
Literally never have had an anxious attachment style up until I met a dismissive avoidant. Which I just learned all about attachment styles. Looking back I have always been ver secure style in my past relationships. Don’t think I have ever engaged with a Da. Did it trigger something? Since learning and reading about styles I have gone back to a more secure. But the Damage was already done. She does not want to date any longer. I now know what to look for in the future. I am a very confident person with any and all current and past relationships with friends and other. Just this one did something weird to me lol! Thanks for all the videos!
Hi- I think you’re experiencing something common. If you’re with someone who is wildly inconsistent and not really available; not right for you- it causes a lot of distress no matter how secure you are. I think secure people however, are a lot more likely to see this, honor their needs, and cut ties sooner than later with a partner like this.
Yess! This can definitely happen. The inconsistent patterning in a dismissive avoidant can wake up some anxious preoccupied tendencies. I think it means that some healing work you didn’t know you had just got uncovered. When that happens to me I always take a moment and regroup. At first I’m annoyed at the person for causing me pain. But then I remember that they pushed a button I didn’t know I had. Another chance to become more healed 🤗
Definitely agree I’m like am I going crazy?! It’s uncomfortable & embarrassing & emotionally draining. I’m apologizing alll the time & taking the blame for things he’s doing it’s the craziest experience ever lol. I do have abandonment issues & I’ve explained that…. I have to just walk away from this situation lol
What’s helpful for me when talking to my partner about stuff that isn’t acceptable that they’re doing is to think about in terms of my needs within a romantic relationship. That makes everything feel simpler. Especially if they have a tendency to gaslight or talk circles around you. Just keep coming back to what you know is a normal healthy dynamic and don’t let them make you feel crazy. I had to really be assertive with my current partner. His tendency is to deflect and get defensive. But just keep returning to what you know to be true for you. And don’t settle for something less
I need to come back to PDS. My anxious attachment is really holding me back in life. I thought I had done work on this, and I was moving toward being secure. I'm heartbroken. I hate feeling this way.
Thank you. I've struggled with so much anxiety in my relationships and finding these videos have been so helpful in not feeling that something that can not be fixed is wrong with ME or THEM. Now, I see that much of the issues have been the clash between Attachment styles. I am working through your paid program to help myself become more secure within myself and my relationships with others.
How can I tell the difference between my actual needs or what my FA anxiety is freaking out and demanding? What are my ligitimate needs and which are my FA co-dependant demands???
I was repeatedly abandoned by both my parents as a child. Literally. My dad would leave for years at a time. My mom would disappear(leaving me all alone) and then reappear when i finally accepted she was gone. Both of my parents abandoned me at a family shelter in another state when i was 17. I only recently realized that when i don't here back from people when I expect to, I panic and fear that I will never hear from them again. My aunt recently blocked me because I would ask for reassurrance that she was going to follow thru with her promises. Which feels like abandonment. She won't even talk to me so that I can apologize. I've been abandoned by multiple mentors after I calmed down, felt secure, and expected them to stay. It hurts. How do u stop fearing abandonment when it keeps happening when u least expect it? How?
It sounds like maybe you’re unconsciously pushing people away. Like you’re expecting people to let you down, asking for the reassurance, and then accidentally creating the situation you’re trying to avoid. Like with you aunt? Not saying it’s your fault or anything negative like that, but it happens to everyone. You can, without meaning to, push people away because of your expectation that they will abandon you. Like saying something needy, lashing out, being bitchy, all reactions to perceived abandonment. Take a bit of space in the moment before you react.
It may help if you watch the video again, look at the transcript and take notes. It talks about getting your sense of self and security from within and ways to do that. Also advises to question the story you tell yourself about situations (with people) and don’t ruminate worst case scenario as this leads to nervous system and emotional dysregulation and behaviors that may inadvertently push people away. May God bring you peace and healing 💟✝️☮️
Ever since my DA ex and I broke up and I start dating again, i’m really trying to find out my needs: like what do I actually want in the dating phase and after that in a relationship? I have no clue honestly because I have always been so driven to avoid (perceived) distance. I’m now dating a relatively secure guy and I feel more room to explore this because I don’t have to chase all the time. But damn finding out my needs is hard as shit 😂
Great video! If you could though - Please add “ventral” in front of parasympathetic whenever you talk about vagus nerves and the rest and digest state - the freeze state is also parasympathetic (dorsal) and people might get confused
@@erichaberman3812 Nik M 1 second ago @Eric DoesIt The vids on this channel, PDS courses & preparing to walk away if they aren't a willing partner. My, nor anyone's cross section of experience with DA's doesn't compare to the volume of couples Thais has counseled to inform the basis for her work on navigating relationships with DA's or otherwise, period.
My Fear of Abandonment drove Co-dependent behavior with a FA for 3.5 years before break up. 18 months later and I can’t stop ruminating on her. I’m miserable.
Is it healthy to just leave a relationship when my anxious attachment is triggered? I feel like if i become triggered it means im probably dealing with someone who is avoidant. Most recently i just walked away from it even though it hurt so much psychologically. It took a lot of willpower to just take the pain of it all and keep walking away but i figured it will probably hurt even more if i stay longer… will secure people trigger me too? Also i hate the feeling of loneliness, and idk how to function completely on my own. I get so sad and anxious, but i want to learn how to be okay with just being by myself
Having all these accurate point as a guy I feel like a puss no wonder women always use me n treat me badly or have a nice tone but their action don’t mean what they say and end up throwing me away.
My mom left when I was 5 and I lived with dad .. I used to dry heave with such sadness .. today I’m petrified of her ..FA when things feel unsafe, then I am AP but the flip flopping kind from an FA perspective .. I remember her leaving for the first time at 4 yrs of age
@@lisa4cohen I was 7 when my parents split. I knew my Dad was likely never going to come "home" ever again, I felt very alone & abandoned in this world without him...and it is in fact extremely devastating. Kids always know deep down, and it's why we turn into AP's. Many tears were shed...there was so much heartache. I'm so sorry for what you went through as well! 💜
She still talks exactly the same and RU-vid will allow you to change the speech speed. No point trying to get her to change her cadence for you because you don’t know how to adjust the speed.
