Hellsing Ultimate Abridged Episode 9 - Team Four Star (TFS) 

I'm still fucking calling it, Schrodinger's real name is Michael McDoesntexist.

"I know it's Rich coming from me but your powers are bullshit" - Alucard 2018

The second Alucard explained his relationships as “tags on Pornhub”, all I could think of was “That is terrifyingly accurate”

Anderson: "This is a serious fight, okay." Alucard: "Of course, my beloved nemesis." vs Walter: "Take me seriously!" Alucard: "No 🙃"

"Oh no, the poison *killed* your father. I *murdered* your father." Beautifully proper use of the words kill and murder.

"That's right. It's a blast from the past with that sass and loli ass" Never change, Girlycard. Never change

Ok but that line “No mama, he’s was my dog, I’ll do it!” Is too badass for no reason

Alucard: Ever heard of updog?!? Walter: Nothing much, how about you? Best line of the night.

Integra's father: You must stand taller than us all Integra: grows up to be 7 feet out of sheer willpower

"I know it's filthy rich coming from me, but your powers are bullshit" - Holy, this made me laugh so much.

"made of vampire DNA" "You could've asked me" 4 years later I finally get it

"Forgetting to feed one's gimp is a common mistake" Sounds like Richard Traitorus Hellsing is speaking from experience

“After all these years, you finally get to stick it in me, and you put it in the wrong hole.” - Alucard 2018

“Except my boss is a woman. I was a chick in the 40’s. I hate EVERYONE EQUALLY. AND THERE’S NO ONE ALIVE WHO CAN COMPREHEND MY SEXUAL PREFERENCE!!!” That line has SO much more meaning now, holy shit.

I love how Walter is countering Alucard's jokes with wordplays until he starts loosing composture while Alucard never stops being a idiot until his jokes finally manage to get the best of his opponent. It wasn't just a physical battle, it was a Monkey Island style duel.

"So, you're finally inside of me. How does it feel?" Lines like this, delivered when Seras has a psychotic smile on her face, are absolute weapons grade writing. Putting aside how cute and funny it is, it's an example of just how dramatic a shift in her personality Seras has experienced. She's gone from this meek, doubtful, submissive half-breed to a fully fledged hellbitch of the night. Her soul is steeped in bloodlust, excitement and sex. She WANTS Pip to play along. She WANTS him to encourage her, tease her, gas her to commit acts of extreme viiolence. It feels good. She's finally found herself, and he was right there when she did.

"And there is no one alive who can comprehend my sexual preference!" Holy shit Alucard wasn't joking!!!

After years of watching this i just realized that Luke said "things are finally luke'ing up for this valentine" and now I finally understand why he had to die

Alucard screaming "I feel like we're not on the same waveleeeaaaauagghngth!" as he gets dragged through the building kills me every time. 🤣

I was peeing myself laughing when the werewolf died. I was not expecting a high pitched scream.

Abridged version: Walter turned traitor because sexual frustration. Me: Seems legit.

14:57 Fun fact: Hitler actually spearheaded the world’s first anti-smoking campaign. So, yes, quite literally he was a Nazi about smoking.

Heinkel: "I'm fine. How is Yuumi? Can we save her?" Priest: "Like... in tupperware containers? Because I didn't bring any." Lmao

“Ya, I’m getting balls like a Smurf here” Never understood that line without the captions, and now that I do, it’s *golden*

" a blast from your past with mad sass and loli ass..." Is one of the single greatest lines I've heard from tfs

"that's right, it's a blast from your past, with that sass and loli ass!" Alucard - 2018

I get the jokes of "Walter betrayed them cause he want that loli ass" and I do find that hilarious. But I do find it an interesting difference between the original and this one. And I'm going to talk about it way more then I should. Obviously in the original Walters reasons are different, I think it had something to do with how he wanted to leave a mark on the world. Where instead of being just a servant that grew old, died and was forgotten, he wanted to be useful to the very end and decided that killing Alucard would be the way to do it, becoming obsessed with the idea (and he then joined Millennium, which is why he was "on vacation" during the coup and didn't stop it) In this one I think it's exactly what he said. He's a vampire hunter, and after having met Alucard, he vowed to kill him. Realising he couldn't do it, he bided his time by serving hellsing and keeping close to him until he could find the right moment. He grows old, and needs to have the Nazis help him regain his old strength to hopefully kill Alucard, especially since now he has no souls left and is vulnerable. It's interesting how the Abridged simplified the motivations for all the characters while still staying partially true to the original. The whole loli thing is probably just Alucard messing with him, especially considering Walter lifterally says "Why aren't you taking this seriously". And well, while Alucard was messing with him, he was partially right, in the end, Walter did become obsessed with Alucard and the only thing he cared about at that point was killing him, sort of mirroring the original in a simpler way.

“So Arthur’s an *actual* daddy now” had me dying

That "No Smoking Sign" is a clever joke: considering that it was *_Hitler_* of all people that spearheaded the worlds' first "No Smoking" legislation due to research done in Germany that supported the fact that Lung Cancer was heavily-connected to smoking. Enough support was done into the "No Smoking" campaign that it was mandated throughout most of Germany during WWII.

"It's a blast from your past, with that sas and loli ass"- Alucard 2018 XDDD

Weirdly enough, after three years, it just now hit me that it wasn't just Dracula calling Seras by her name instead of police girl; he still does it as Alucard after the change. Very nice touch.

I just noticed, you guys "fixed" the unlit cigar Integra tosses during the Major confrontation.

"Then your first order is.... Keep your arm steady." Bruh the badassery of that line warrants more respect for her character than the canon or otherwise did for her.

"No Mama he was my dog.." "I'LL DO IT" Had me dying.

17:17 the delivery of that "Oh my god-" sounds so perfect, like it fits the genuine disgust and shock of seeing something like that

“Sorry. This red riding hood BITES BACK” That’s such a clever line from Seras. She finally got a great one liner.

A classic spin on the meme! *OMAE WA MOU SHINDEIRU* _NO U_

"Our family relations can be described as tags on pornhub." LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

I love the look of utterly adorable concern and disappointment on Sera’s face when she asks if Alucard is using words he heard on social media again 😂 It’s like somehow seeing his daughter make a 101% genuine disappointed mother face and I like to imagine Sera’s actually makes that face FREQUENT when Alucard starts spitting out mad funny’s lol

I like to think the only reason Schrodinger is annoying like that is because he gets off on getting shot in the head

"He hit you! What are you going to do?" "Hit him HARDER!" Goku applauds xD

The pettiness of the line "You're gun looks ridiculous. " is criminally underrated.

Did you noticed that Integra got sexual aroused when she saw Alucard cosplaying a meat grinder?

Seras:"get out of me boob" Pip:"BUT THERE'S SO MUCH SPACE IN HERE" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

"Can we save Yumi? "Like in Tupperware containers?.....cause I didn't bring any!" .....best line ever.

'But Walter doesn't live in the dungeon he lives under the stairs."

"Rows of teeth...like a shark" aside from the jolly wally lime that made me laugh even harder

"Yes I'm grateful to see you're still well my brother..." "Richard Traitoro Hellsing" guys... the uncle was litterally called "dick traitor" pfft hahahaha

"Forgetting to feed one's gimp is a common mistake." Incredible.

"No mama! He was my dog to put down!" The perfect quote

"huff and puff and blow me" god damn my sides

Walter: "Why can't you take this seriously?" Alucard-ette: Because that's what you want, and I'm not going to give it to you." Alucard's character summed up in a single sentence, right there. He doesn't take anyone seriously, specifically because everyone wants him to take them seriously, and nearly all of them aren't worth the effort.

Stand User: Seras Victoria Stand Name:[Pip My Ride]

"in the mouth" and "at least pay my cab fair" made me love that character

So for a long time I wasn't sure why he was a werewolf AND a ghost. I finally have the answer. The Benandanti. It's a type of werewolf that basically astral projects its wolf form.

WE WAITED 7 YEARS TO HEAR HIM SAY "Seems like things are Lukeing up for this Valentine"

"Keep your arm steady..." DAMN I love how badass Integra is even when she was young!

6:38 Al's entire personality makes sense! He's learned everything from the Internet!

"Rows of teeth.... Like a shark!"

"Then your first order is keep your arm steady," may be one of the most bad ass things I have ever heard.

"Walter doesn't live in the dungeon he lives under the stairs" *grunt*

I've watched this a dozen times and I only now just realized the call back with Walter's vacation in Brazil

I like how Walter and seras still have respect for each other after everything

"Our group relationship can best be described as tags on pornhub, now go." -Alucard 2018

“To think someone so JUVENILE could be so POWERFUL!” Goku enters the chat

9:39 I mean, so like, it was heavily implied ESPECIALLY in the abridged series, but…like…does this confirm that the entire Hellsing staff are swingers for each other? In terms of the abridged series that is. 😭

"He hit you! What are you going to do about it?" "HIT 'IM HARDER!" Okay, Goku

Seriously they made seras and pips relationship so wholesome like all the bittersweet aspects is gone...

"Did you know you have paid vacation days?" Walter: "Ooo." Goes to Brazil. LMAO

*HOW DID I NOT KNOW THEY FINISHED THIS SERIES?!* Also, Seras and Pip flirting with each other was gold

The no-smoking gag caught me off guard. Freaking brilliant.

"But Walter doesn't live in the dungeon he lives under the stairs!" "Hmmm"

13:19 Had to look up the flavorade part and he’s not even kidding. God I love the attention to detail in this show.

At 16:38 oh my gosh lol, need a relationship like pip and Sera's abridged version lol

"Okay I know its filthy rich coming from me but your powers are bullshit" that line had me dying

"but walter doesnt live in the dungeon, he lives under the stairs!" "*sad hmm*"

My favorite line in this episode 2:08 Richard: So did you actually search for her... *OR DID YOU ALL GO TO THE FUCKING SUNGLASSES HUT!?*

21:01 That is unironically the most terrifying face I have ever, _ever_ seen

"After all these years you finally get to stick it in me and you put it in the wrong hole"- Girlycard2018

I love how Pip has now become the new Nail.

Walter did you know you have paid vacation days? Oooohhhh. 🤣

Alucard's propensity for zoomer lingo is one of my favourite gags of the series, because it's one of those jokes that seems silly and random on the surface, but makes perfect sense on a deeper level. An immortal being is naturally gonna develop a habit of adapting to new language trends; language evolves so quickly that if they didn't it'd become nearly impossible to communicate in only a few generations. It would actually make less sense for him to speak in a way that sounds old-timey, because what sounds old-timey to us is still hundreds of years ahead of his original speech.

"that's right, it's a blast from your past with that sass and loli ass" Alucard sounds like the MC at a burlesque show announcing a very morally questionable performer

Hellsing - “this will be a great anime” Team four star - “hold my beer”

"Thats right. Its a blast from your past with that sass and loli ass." One of the best lines in this abridged series.

Seriously the amount of cigars that woman wastes, just grinds my gears.

"Also, get outta me boob!" "But zere's so much space in here!"

20:45 Alucard: Mocks anime waifus whilst literally being an anime girl!

I still can’t believe how good the voice acting was

"No mama, he was my dog. I'll do it." Old Yeller reference I freaking lost it.

I would like to see a castlevania abridged just so we can keep the alucard voice actor

18:40 *Perfectly cut screams*

From "Walter San, Daisuke" till the end, It's just continuous delivery of laughter 😂

"No momma. He was my dawg. Ill do it." Ol yeller.

The captain being a werewolf is actually a call back to a SS guerilla unit called the werwolves who miserably failed at their job

For a moment I forgot I was watching the abridged version. The: "Father I dont want yo say goodbye" "Integra that's quite selfish , I'm dying " Got me, it was so smooth.

"let me get some sip" sounds like something out of a commercial.

"Because you never got to hear 'Aaahhh, aaahhh, Walter-san, daisuki des!' You know, I mean, unironically. " Help I am cry

FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS I LAY DORMANT WHO DARES DISTURB MY oh its hellsing abridged.

Alucard: found in basement Nazi werewolf: found in attic whats next zombie in the shed?