Let me know below: what is an invisible loss you experienced? How can you honor the truth of that? How can you validate your own experiences and feelings around it?
I enjoyed this interview. At first, listening to the conversation made me feel very, very sad...thinking about the many losses I've experienced over the years due to my cancer diagnosis, and I was questioning if I have been keeping myself in the waiting room by not returning to my pre-cancer life. I think maybe in some ways I was/am post-cancer but not due to my own choices...due to what the side effects of treatment have caused in the long term and the actual fact that that old life no longer exists! In other ways, hell effing no! I took myself out of that waiting room in so many ways--said goodbye to many things and hello to many others. Perhaps "thinking" about how life could have been is what keeps me in the waiting room. Working towards bigger goals now with small steps every day. Thank you, Terri and Christina.💗
Thank you so much for sharing, Birdie ❤️ I think what you're feeling around your pre- and post-cancer diagnosis and experience is understandable. Maybe it's worth journaling to mourn the life that you could have had, and to acknowledge and honor your feelings around that. ❤️
I was 12 years old attending 'Carmel College, a catholic school in Auckland New Zealand. My sister and I were called up on stage one morning in assembly, in front of 400 girls. We're were confronted by the head Nun of an incident that had been totally been misconstrued by the witness at the time while in our shop. The Nun proceeded to ask my sister and I, 'which one of you two, slapped your mother across the face? (both of us were like whaaaat!), My parents owned a corner shop, a milkbar/dairy in those days and when my sister came home from school one afternoon, she asked my mum for a pie, needless to say my mother said no. My sister lovingly slapped my mother on the shoulder and said 'come on mum, pleeeese' The witness in the shop conveying the incident to the Head Mistress, her behaviour, grossly over exaggerated the incident and said my sister had slapped my mother across the face. On stage we were horrified at such a question being asked of which one of us slapped our mother across the face? As you can imagine we were both shocked at such a question, we would NEVER have slapped our mother across the face. We respected our parents and had a loving and deep reverence toward them. As we stood there, the Nun grabbed my collar pulling violently at it and then my cuffs of my sleeve shaking it, saying 'look at your shirt, it's filthy dirty, why have you come to school with turned up collar and scraggly cuffs'?. My mother who was a very busy lady with the shop hours 24/7 and my father working full time at the city Post Office, in her busy time, lovingly made our school uniforms. However she did not bother with adding in the stiffning of the collar and cuffs. So we were not only humiliated in front of assembly up on stage for our grossly misconstrued behaviour, we were shamed and ridiculed at our dress code. Both my sister and I dont remember too much of how the day unfolded, but my sister walked out of her class and ran home and told my mother what had happened. The day after, we never went back to Carmel College. However by the forces of the universe, one day 20 years later, who should walk into the restaurant I was Manager of, but 4 Nuns and the Head Mistress of Carmel College who was now old and frail. I recognized Sister Justine instantly as I stood there in utter numbness upon seeing them at the counter. What do I do? Shall I say something? How can I respect my position as Manager and the people I work for? I don't know how long it was, but it seemed like forever, that I finally went up to their table and kindly spoke to them. I said I went to the school while Sister Justine was the principal and I wanted to share with them a poignant memory from when I was 12 years old. I just want to add that at 21 years of age I had found Jesus. My life was totally a mess prior to that and finding my Saviour and going through a lot of healing, I was able to forgive many things that had happened to me in my early years. Any way, I relayed everything to the Nuns, (thank goodness this was 3pm and not lunch hour rush time) and they were very gracious. I didn't recognize any of the Nuns but I did instantly recognize Sister Justine. I spoke respectfully to them and shared of my wonderful journey of becoming saved, however there was nothing loving, kind or delightful about the way the teachers and Sister Justine had treated my sister and I on the stage that day. The humiliation and shame was unforgivable growing up as a young woman, but I found forgiveness through Jesus. Nothing in their school showed me the love of Christ, but religion that I battled against until Jesus came into my life. They listened and said nothing as I spoke my memory of that day. One of the Nuns apologized for my experience and was glad I had found Jesus. As I walked away from their table, I felt my head lift high and a huge sense of peace come upon me. I walked back to my managers position with great confidence in my Father in heaven who had bought them into the restaurant all these years later.
Listening to this episode made me feel less alone. When I was six days old, my mom had to return to the hospital, that was back in the days when they kept patients in the hospital for two weeks. My dad had to run their business and look after my 10-year-old brother so a friend of theirs took me home to her parents to care for me. They were an older couple and I suspect they were the tight that said, don’t pick her up when she’s crying let her comfort herself. That experience taught me to not look to others when I was upset. My mom passed away in November 2019 and losing her hit me very hard, it probably brought back the memory of being separated from her as a baby. Many people have said I should be over it by now and for the most part, the last two years has been easier. What I do find is when I experience a disappointment, rejection, or someone saying, something hurtful, it opens the wound again a little. I was feeling like there was something wrong with me because I would feel sad again. I know I’m not living life to its fullest. Thank you to both of you for this conversation and I look forward to reading, the book.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️ Please don't let others tell you how to grieve. You are so allowed to miss your mom and have whatever feelings around that that you have. ❤️
If I complained my mom used to say “ I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet”. Or “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say it”. She also drilled it into me that “what he don’t know won’t hurt him” , and alternately, “you learn something new every day”. No wonder I’m the way I am.
I've had many invisible losses in my childhood. I once teased my stepfather that he was smelly after a workout and he pinned me to the wall by the collar and ordered me to say that I was the smelly one.
The phantom emotional punch, I remember one well. It's been perpetual shut down of how I saw myself (based on their deep criticism) or even how to move forward. They did that because they chose to be mean! Gang stalking is not okay. My therapist gave me the validation that it was a shut down moment.
