A moment of silence for all the scapegoats that ended up in jail, prostitution, rehab, the psych ward or took their own lives with no one ever recognizing what happened to them and told to "stop destroying themselves". Narcissistic abuse is a seed of destruction planted in the victim's mind.
So true...I held together..so "THEY" took my murderous MD ex husband's side in a divorce because I discovered he was murdering patients..and I started trying to get him and his best friend investigated.. I was "completely crazy" UNTIL MY BRAKE LINE WAS CUT... Then my "mother" was only worried she would lose her personal slave if he succeeded... After my "sisters" pulled their abusive BS one time too many ..I walked away on my fortieth birthday once my "mother" was I a good Alzheimer's lock up... My "sisters" decided to just steal EVERYTHING..
Where else would we end up going? Being doctors, lawyers, doing white collar jobs and being married and having children who are going to be on the bright side of life? If there are no successful pimps and clients, why would there be prostitution? If government do not control the underprivileged, why would there be psych wards and control? In Victorian times, if you have children outside legal marriage, they are going to institutionalize you in places quite awful. If you lie that you are widowed, they are going to get you back to the awful places. Poverty would get you to rehab centers.
I feel as if they may as well have bound my feet. I had no idea why why it was so terrifying and confusing to walk through the world, and try to be normal. The idea that it was always my fault subverted my progress in so many ways.
When I was 11 I realized that I had two parents to raise, I never gave up until I got out and never made an inch of progress. It was mindbending and frustrating - trying to talk to and fix two people who were hateful toward me.
I have recently realized that the bar is so low for me at this point that I basically grant Saint Hood to those who just treat me without complete contempt. 😒 It’s a fucked up way to live.
@@LeahIsHereNowThat hurts my heart! 🥹. I’m so sorry your heart was hurt that deeply. I am the scapegoat as well. I realize that with all my self defeating decisions in my life, I was still the healthiest one. I wish I had understood that sooner. I didn’t understand unconditional love until I learned to love myself. I didn’t love myself until I saw myself the way God sees me and the gifts he has given me. Had I not believed in his forgiveness, I believe I’d have already left this world by my own hand many years ago. God showed me how to love myself.
@@lisastark8907That's beautful.I struggle with forgiving my parents and siblings for what they did to me clear up until they died. I have two brothers left, but I don't speak to either of them.
@@MadgeGreen That came from my heart Madge. 😉. I was estranged from my biological Father for many years and grew up with a bitter, condescending and critical mother. They were divorced but up until about 2 yrs ago they made me the scapegoat because I knew all the dirt!! I have had major trust issues and feelings of self doubt all my life. I realize now at 56, that this world is in so much pain. Hurting people hurt other people. I realize now that they were the ones with the real issues. I have chosen to forgive them before they die, because I will not allow them to make me feel guilty anymore. That in and of itself, has helped me to release all that anger and pain they didn’t know, or care I was carrying around all those years. All they focused on was my self sabotage and they seemed to delight in my short comings. Forgive yourself for not being able to reconcile those feelings before their lives were finished. It’s alright!! You’re free now from all of their baggage. Set yourself free and realize they were merely tools to take you off your game and steal you peace. Take it back and live life to the fullest, till it overflows! They can’t take anything else from you now unless you allow it! I wish you the very best. You are the only you in this world and God doesn’t make junk Madge!! You were wonderfully and beautifully created, so make the best you can of the life you still have, and don’t let anyone dull your shine!! Be the light in a dark place!!
The parent creates the scapegoat role once the child unwittingly reveals themselves as a threat. The child's natural instincts, intelligence and foresight would be embraced by a "good enough" parent. The opposite happens with a narcissist parent. The child becomes an unwilling adversary because the adult, their parent, has recognized the child can make independent decisions, is not easily persuaded and worst of all can influence other people like siblings to reject the parent's closed system of abuse. The parent also observes natural talents the child has and discourages them in the form of mockery that's rooted in envy. The child finds ways to develop talents in spite of the parent consistently sabotaging them. This is why the narcissistic parent rages or covertly sabotages those times when the scapegoat is honored for their achievements. The achievement is a tangible thing that proves the child is not the loser the parent attempted to manufacture at home. They never stop. Even when you go no contact the parent still controls your image from afar with lies they've manufactured to explain away why you rejected them and their abuse.
Perfectly stated and I have lived that exact thing. You described my father. I did well at everything and got a M.A. from Columbia Univ. He grumbled with envy and downplayed that, as well as sabotaged the moment like he did with all of my many other achievements. Yet they call me the loser.
I remember my parents and grandparents always picking on me for something. It usually was about my weight, manners, picking my scabs, how I didn't do enough around the house, etc. The funny thing was outside the house other adults/peers really liked me. I was funny, had good grades, worked a after-school job, was a good friend. Family can make you feel really bad about yourself.
Oh my gosh that is too close to my story I remember I had a weird skin problem at 13 and my grandma who I barely saw said loudly in a restaurant what is wrong with your face!
THIS. THIS. In my final year of primary, I had tied with another girl for first place in class, when mum came to see my class teacher on Parents Day she simply said ‘getting first place is EASY, MAINTAINING it is difficult.’ My class teacher’s jaw dropped in shock, and she (herself a mum of four) pulled me aside after my mum had left to comfort me, telling me that I had done well and not to resent my mum for what had happened: my mum was simply challenging me to ‘greater heights’ (this was the 1990s before there was any awareness about narcissiatic abuse). A year later in secondary, the same scenario replayed: I had gotten first place in class, straight As in a cut-throat competitive Asian all-girls school, yet she told me it wasn’t going to last so I shouldn’t be happy and get overconfident about it: my good results would prove to be my downfall the next exam. I was deeply hurt, and proceeded to inform her that not only had I done so well with absolutely NO support from her nor help from tutors (she refused to spend any money on me - more than a third of her income was spent on Golden Child) but that other parents in the class had used my report card as a benchmark for their children (the Form 1 class teacher who loved me and that I loved too had (very proudly!) told me about this). As usual, my mum wasn’t there on the actual report card day coz she was attending golden child’s activities, but still narcissistically insisted to my super-busy class teacher that a special slot be scheduled for her AFTER the report card day was over because she (my mum) was not going to let me ‘get away’ with doing ‘badly’ in school since I knew her attention was always on golden child, therefore I would be an opportunist to ride on my mum’s ‘lack of time’ to focus on me: she wasn’t going to ‘cut me the slack’ since she was such a good mum and responsible single parent who was genuinely concerned about me and my education. To which, in cold-blood, she replied: other parents MAY be happy with your results, but I am NOT. I am DISAPPOINTED. Fast forward 5 years later, I was eighteen, on a full scholarship in the best college of the nation and the only student with straight As in the first semester itself, despite the switch from a Malaysian education system to British IGCSE A Levels. While my British lecturers were heaping mountain loads of praise on me, even comparing my superior command of English to previous British students they had taught, my mum pulled a tantrum and sat me in a corner with her after seeing my lecturers (while we were STILL in the same hall where the Parents Day was being held) telling me that all the praise I had received did not amount to anything for her, my report was ‘not a good report’ because each lecturer had included recommendations for improvement in the report (I am myself a lecturer now and know that this is standard procedure, recommendations for improvement does not mean a student is bad). I teared up there and then: I had hoped for a word of praise or encouragement all my life, and had thought that my British lecturers (Asians have a thing for foreign education) would finally have been able to convince her that I wasn’t garbage: turned out that wasn’t the case. That was a lightbulb moment nevertheless: I FINALLY realised that this was a cruel, CRUEL game she had made me play all my life, purposefully exhausting me: creating the rules of the game and being the judge, while knowing that I would NEVER win because she, the master judge (read: puppeteer), would NEVER, EVER let me win. My biggest regret is tiring myself out for 18 years to please her, but I am glad I saw through her at 18 years of age during that final straw (thanks to my scholarship, without which I would never have seen my own worth through the eyes of my lecturers) and have never turned back since. I simply stopped allowing her to attend college Parent Days: since she wasn’t paying for my education (I was on a full scholarship which included boarding) she had no right to attend anyway. Plus, I told her she knew absolutely NOTHING about the British education system, judging from her dismal judgement of my excellent results and academic prowess, something all my British lecturers were going gaga over but SHE couldn’t appreciate. I turned the tables on her, minimizing her role as my mum since she wasn’t paying for my education, blatantly ignoring her ‘need’ to know about my academic achievements (wouldn’t even TELL her unless I wanted to), and most importantly, NOT letting her attend any of my three graduations to date (and counting). Dhar Mann once said, if someone isn’t part of your struggles, do NOT let them be a part of your success. In other words, I TOOK ALL MY POWER BACK FROM HER. Went no contact with her for a year after that; she freaked out. While I am on cordial terms with her now (a decade later) she no longer has power over me financially, emotionally or otherwise, which sucks for her coz Golden Child recently abandoned her so she is left wounded and alone in old age. Dear Scapegoats, if there is just one thing you take away from my experiences, let it be this: disarm the narcissist by reclaiming your power, and see how the tables flip. It’s mindboggling, surreal in fact.
It is so important to recognize that the siblings join fully in, and often delight in the scapegoating, and set up the child every opportunity to be seen doing wrong by the abusive parents. So often the siblings are excused because they suffered some abuse, but not the scapegoating.
Facts! This was my life for 28 years the siblings I had I was smack in the middle of...the eldest DEFINITELY joined in and even had her own set of reindeer games to play as we got older it didn't stop. My lil brother got put out at 21 to go live with an entire different family so idk how he's doing anymore. My parents destroyed their kids and now all they got is each other to hate yaaaay. No I don't take my child to visit either, cause why TF would I do that?😂😂 My sister has an extremely codependent relationship with them so they basically help her do everything cause she a narc to her family too.
I was the youngest of my family my sister the Middle she was like a mother to me. Everyone was mean to her even though she was the nicest she did a lot in home. And she brought me to school she did my hair took me to santaclause. Ofcourse I was always nice to her cared for her. When she was Punished i always go to her. One Day she ran away. I was so worried. My dad eventually found her And pulled her home on her hair. She later stole money from us ran away again after that they put her in a place for misbehaved children internaat dont know how you name it in english. The amount of spiritual abuse and less physical she never recovered from it. She now gave up her children 15 years ago went on smoking heroine. She quitte heroine but uses methadon. Never makes friends. Is on all kind of meds for anxiety. She has no life. Im so sorry for her and hurting. So i give her money if I can help her always answer her messages. She can be very annoiing but I dont mind. I treat her with patience and kindness as much as I can.
I was the truth teller growing up and was the family scapegoat. I escaped and walked away and that triggered rage in my narc mother and family. I cut all of them off and didn't go back because they are bullies and abusers. They hate me now because I can stand and tell them NO and put boundaries on them especially my narc mother. She hates that she can't control me and I am my own person. Ive grown stronger and still growing stronger everyday and I escaped as the scapegoat and I am educated by all this videos on RU-vid
Five days before my mother died in hospital I told her how she missed out on so much by refusing to visit me for many years and by cutting me out of her life. (I was discarded when I rebelled against the abuse and moved out). I told her how really nice my home was and how much I loved it. She just stared and refused to speak to me. I enjoy the thought that she knew on her deathbed that I was doing just fine without her and really liked my home despite not being welcome in the home I was raised in.
Good for you. I was forced to join a Christian cult by my family but secretly didn’t believe. Recently, I converted to Islam. My how the tables have turned. It’s been quite satisfying to let my 83 year old aunt know that I don’t engage in their occult practices and was faking it to survive being reared in an abusive environment. Also had this chat with my mother in her 70s. My father died two years ago, and I want her to know the truth of who I am with no filter: your heretic daughter who you intentionally treated worse than your other daughter does not believe as you want me to believe. You can’t force me to follow the tenets of Christ that you yourself do not truly follow. It’s twisted but seems long overdue. May these Boomers tell their friends, and whoever else cares to listen how “bad” we are. Some people can see through them and the ones who can’t will continue to judge from afar, but hey, you can’t stop people from talking. Only time can do that.
I would have cut all ties too but I was too afraid to be completely without a family. Been divorced 2x and no kids. I'm 70 YO and still dealing with this.
It’s pretty crazy. One day what my mom did to me just wouldn’t stop bothering me. I attempted to get closure and ask her why should would do and say these things to me. She admitted to everything but 2 things but those 2 things were the worst. I decided i wasn’t going to have a relationship with her anymore. Not that I don’t forgive her but I just don’t want her in my life. Surprisingly to me she’s never attempted to contact me. But of course when my siblings did the same she couldn’t go on anymore… anyway I don’t feel bad about it.
My old mother if that's what you call them was a hate filled woman towards me hated me all my life. I choose to stay away from her problem is she and my narc sister have brainwashed my daughter against me. I now have one of my own children keeping these to happy by doing and saying horrible stuff on me. 😮
I have found that at some point anyone that does not meet the narssistic parents needs or validates their reality and tries to form a seperate self becomes a scapegoat.
Narcissists make you hate your own life. I remember as a child I couldn't wait the next day coming cause I was so excited about everything. After narcissistic abuse I turned 180 degrees opposite. And it's funny that even if nothing really traumatic happens, I still can't enjoy my life. I can't enjoy interactions with people, cause my nervous system sees them as potential threat. So far it takes me 2 years of research and healing to fully grasp how much it affected me, even I didn't want to admit it, cause I always had to be "strong", no time for self pity.
I can so relate to this. Thankfully the more I heal and distance myself emotionally from my family the more hopeful I feel. I mourning the loss of the family I never had. And I know this painful time will pass and I will have joy on the other end but as long as I kept denying this painful reality I remained stuck in a state of anxiety. I’m free now!
I have the same experience, and please know that it can get better! I focused on trying to figure out what people are thinking for so long, I had to learn how to relax and stop mind reading. I still get triggered 3 years in but I am learning to love life again. One thing that really helped me is staying present, and researching grounding techniques. Listen to music, work on yourself and your future.
I don't leave home for 5 months already. And if i have to go out is for medical appointments only. I wish I was dead everyday. I don't have guaranteed ways to off myself. Window is too low, don't have access to meds, the person who gave me birth is home 24/7 so would find me quick if i tried a knife or rope. That's what narcissistic abuse do.
As a survivor-scapegoated child, I am glad to see videos like this helping others. I grew up in the 1960s before the idea of narcissistic parents was in the ether. My narc mother's uneven parenting was extremely upsetting to me as a child, creating serious C-PTSD issues. She often gritted her teeth and me and told me I was the reason our family was poor. (Only when my dad and others weren't around, the rest of the time she pretended to care.) She blamed me for all her problems while showering affection on my younger sister. Fortunately, my dad and grandmother were there for me, so the impact wasn't as severe as it could have been. My mother was uneducated with poor grammar and other habits that embarrassed my dad, sister, and me. I retaliated by getting my law degree, becoming an advocate for families, and leading a happy life surrounded by people who support me. As adults, my sister and I have worked toward healing the damage created by our narc mother. It has taken years and years, and sometimes her old toxic messages come back, but I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's. My message is NEVER GIVE UP ON HEALING YOURSELF. We are stronger than we realize.
Why are you being cruel about her being uneducated and poor though? Why was that something you needed to “retaliate” against?Truly I don’t relate to those here who seem to be very privileged and blessed and egotistical themselves. Where are the scapegoats who were picked on kicked when they were already down..because they were vulnerable and seen as “less than” while also not desiring any sort of superiority complex…seriously, where? Why do the majority of responses on these types of videos or communities also portray blatant narcissism themselves? It’s baffling.
@@CcC-ct9tbshe's not being cruel. By "retaliation" she's being hyperbolic. She means that she defended herself! Defended her psyche! Defended her right to be successful and proud herself!
My memories of my childhood make me so sad. My narcissistic mother made sure she separated me from my brother, sister, and dad. I never felt I was a part of my own family. I’m in my 60’s and am still targeted so I stay away from everyone - which is exactly what my mother wanted for me.
Just realized this is what my mother's family did to me! No matter what, I could never do anything right! I had a 20 year navy career and still wasn't worthy of their love or approval!
Same. Sometimes they smile to your face and then tear you down behind your back. My narc mom is the queen bee and triangulates with everybody else about how there's something "wrong" with everybody else. And will lie to my face about something "wrong" with me by just making stuff up and gaslighting. It's a projection of her own psychological issues and deflects from her own issues.
Attacks on the character, yes, the ONLY way to be a member of my family would be to just submit to my mum's narrative that I'm paranoid, sensitive, angry, detached from reality, entitled, insane......... If I can do all of that and apologise to her for standing up for myself, then I can be in the family. no thank you.
Same dynamic in my FOO(family of origin) but Narc father and two younger sisters. I realize now their behavior very much echos my father’s treatment of me.
@@Mindfuluser2024 oh yes, given up on that. They will skip me and leave whatever they have to my kids. Which will help them but it's f**CK you (me) again.
Scapegoats are critical thinkers they usually speak up and prepare for the beat down or die for what they beleive in.they not sheep as its being protrayed.hence why narcs double their efforts to ultimately destroy your life career relationship self esteem.they guilt me for not serving them even in adulthood.thx Jay ❤
Jay Reid pointed out in this video that inconsistency is what we experience I knew that but I never thought about how they could react differently to the same thing happening like one time you could break a glass and they are like it's ok and another time you break a glass by mistake and they go off and make you feel small
They are not goats they are sheep that hear the Lord’s voice and do what is right. The goat is hard headed and doesn’t listen and runs around recklessly. ( I am explaining from a spiritual perspective I just literally listened to a rabbi talking about this same and he use the analogy of the sheep and goats and why you have to separate them. The sheep is useful year round cuz u need wool and they are more obedient but in a good way where as goats are not. )💁🏿
The scapegoat child receives the brunt of the narcissistic parent's rage. The narcissistic parent projects the undesirable traits of their true self onto the scapegoat child. The scapegoat child who remains silent when witnessing a sibling receive preferential treatment wards off an attack from the narcissistic parent. Speaking up about general unfair treatment means the scapegoat child receives a gaslighting and invalidating response that the unfair treatment is not happening. Speaking up about specific unfair treatment means being triangulated with siblings and made to feel inadequate or "second class." The narcissistic parent will use blame-shifting to justify their unfair treatment of the scapegoat child. The narcissistic parent will play the victim and smear the scapegoat child as unjustly attacking them to the enabler parent and siblings, who will not have empathy for the scapegoat child and rush to defend the narcissistic parent against the scapegoat child. The scapegoat child learns by experience that there is nothing they can say or do to change this dynamic within their family. The scapegoat child internalizes the identity which has been foist upon them by their family of origin and feels on some level that they are "less than." The scapegoat child becomes demoralized and lacks confidence in their abilities, perceptions and decisions. Despite their best efforts, they cannot make their family see what is happening and treat them with the respect and fairness they deserve.
You just explained exactly how my family treat me and how al my siblings join in on the attacks. Ive read 100’s of theee comments in last few days and what you said is 100% happening to me.
The worst thing about narcissists is that they never know what they do to others. They act like they've never hurt anybody ever. They keep coming back to abuse or use or manipulate you again. The ONLY way to handle this is to go away and never come back or make contact again.
They know exactly what they're doing. They don't do it to strangers only to you or your family. You are disposable to them, random people are not. They know exactly what they are doing and will continue to do it as long as you allow them to.
So, say a narc is looking for supply and they start being their creepy self with you. if you respond negatively, they are getting their supply. They say, neutrality is best, but I can't help reacting to these assholes and that's exactly what they want - your pain, your distress, the whole thing makes me sick. And you're right. They do know what they are doing and they enjoy it. Thanks for commenting back.@@Authenticallyathena
it took me about 30 years to fully understand my family members aren't really bad people, but the hatred and jealousy my mother and siblings have toward me is incredibly real and walking away from it was the best decision I have ever made. When people love you, you never have to question it.
Also, the aspect that is not often talked about, is that when you are scapegoated/victimized in one situation, the chances of being abused again grow rapidly. The abuser takes your power and use it to empower themselves. That's why, arrogant, rude people are so confident - their confidence is all trauma they caused other people. While you feel disempowered and people sense it in your body language etc. But it's not because the abuser is strong and you weak. They simply feed off the trauma they caused you. Protecting boundaries is the key for me, cause I finally feel I am able to protect myself, while most of life I felt like prey, helpless child at mercy of big, powerful people. But I had to learn, what fawn response it, bc whenever I wanted to keep boundaries with certain people, the fawn response caused me to quit.
So true. My narcissistic family abused me so badly that I was abused in the same way by people in every walk of my life. At first I wondered if someone put a curse on me. It took me until age 59 to hear about narcissism and scapegoating in families and thank God I did! It saved my life!
I was not only the scapegoat but I was also the slave subjugated to the golden child. I still have trouble to this day. I' ve come a long way but fear is so pervasive in my personality that i find it hard to succeed at anything.
I can relate. I am still terrified of my siblings retaliating if I so much as stick up for myself or state that they owe me an apology..if I defend myself in the most minimal of ways. I’m also afraid they will attack my looks again or use my other vulnerabilities against me..or side with a parent’s false narrative when it’s convenient to them. I am so tired..I am ready to be done. My body and mind are hacked and broken for many reasons I’d rather not go into.. You know who I felt safe and happy and healthy with? My kitten who I felt pressed to give up. I rescued and socialized him and he loved me and wanted my attention in a room full of other people..he responded with love when given love..simple as that. All I ever wanted. With him I could truly feel happy when he was happy, I enjoyed when he became more confident and wanted to venture…our connection was genuine and real and that’s more than I could ever hope for with any other living being, especially a human. I don’t feel bad about being a slave to cats because they have never hurt me or been malicious to me..wheres being a slave to human beings makes me sick and yet I do it anyway, to my own detriment.
@@CcC-ct9tb Please don't give up.😸🐢 I love your insights! Especially about cats. Isn't it something how we empaths become slaves to cats? Yeah, I don't mind either, because being enslaved to cats is pretty wonderful, as long as you don't overdo it by having too many to care for. ✨Good luck in your endeavors, friend!✨
They guilt - in my case it was about money. They made sure I missed opportunities and then blamed me for missing them. I am STILL trying to escape them because of the control they've had using money.
This is why a lot of scapegoats' families, or the facade of the ''family'' FALLS APART when they are partially healed from the indoctrination. My mother hates that I'm strong enough to stand in my own corner now. She is never going to admit it, but she expected me to give up and back down like I had done my whole life but when I stood firm in my own interpretation of events, I was ostracised for good, as well as the usual, shamed, blamed, manipulated... She wouldn't talk to me but yet I was still blamed for the estrangement., She sporadically tried to summons me back to heel (but making it clear there would be no discussion).
Sounds like my mother too .She loathes that l can stand on my own in my little corner too.She pretty much wants me incapable of handling life so that l get down from my high horse and be compliant to her control.She has tried with subliminal messages.These messages make me stronger everyday.l have minimal contact as possible.
"she sporadically tries to summon me back to heel but making it clear there will be no discussion." When I read these comments all I can think is: Same! Same! Same!
Same. In my 60s now. I have changed so much. She took herself out of my life over 40 years ago and intermittently popped in every 10 years or so. What was first such a devastating action from her has now become some thing I’m grateful for. A friend of mine has a funny saying, “sometimes rejection is God‘s protection.”
I always knew something was terribly wrong with ME… or I thought there was something wrong with me until I became educated on what was really going on. Bullied by my family even into adulthood. My golden child older sister could do no wrong, and I could do no right. Chilling! Everything was always my fault ! I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t have a conversation. I would be attacked verbally and demeaned and told to be quiet. This was well into adulthood. When I defended myself my mother would call other siblings and play victim and fabricate the truth lie about this terrible thing I did , when all I did was defend myself. This went on well into my late 30’s. Maybe two yrs ago I figured out what has been going on. It’s a horrific realization.
I knew something was off and wrong with my parents’ treatment of me very early on but had no idea how deep and far this kind of abuse has impacted every aspect within my life until recently. Finally, within the last couple months, I started to implement boundaries. Every time I dared impose protection for myself and self love until now, I was berated and guilted. The pain of thinking I was doing something selfish and hurtful to another person made me quit protecting myself. I have learned that the ONLY way to a peaceful life is to put my needs ahead of others and create a SAFE distance between me and them. I am giving myself the love I didn’t get as a kid and am so incredibly grateful to people like you for helping guide me along my journey. Jay Reid, you are saving my life. THANK YOU!!
I have lived my whole life believing there was something wrong with me. It's because of the way I was treated as a child. Thank you sir, from a scapegoat. Jesus Christ is the scapegoat for the sins of all mankind, so I feel understood by him.❤
I'm 48 and have been the scapegoat child since the age of 16. Nothing I do has been good enough and I'm pretty much blamed for everything. The more successful/happy I became , the worse my situation. My older sister is the golden child and can do no wrong even though her life is completely dysfunctional. She lies, steals, manipulates, embellishes and bullies and yet I'm the one on the outer. I went to the Olympics in my teens and even getting a silver and a bronze wasn't good enough. I married my childhood sweetheart when I was 22 and because his parents had more money than mine did, his whole family were put on my parent's sh*t list. I've just gone no contact in the last 6 months and the level of emotional abuse has been off the charts. I didn't know what unconditional love was until I had my own kids and realised that my mum's 'love' was very conditional. I have anxiety because of the situation but now understand that the majority of my life has been surrounded by covert and grandiose narcissists and I have purely been the victim of their own feelings of negative self worth. MY CURRENT GOAL: to be emotional stronger and not let them into my space
Congratulations on your achievements.you had so many set backs but still you achieved so much, Olympics, family, children.you are very strong.hugs for what you had to go through.its sad I know.but i see you are very strong.keep going on💫💫
I can guarantee you that you were designated the scapegoat long before the age of 16. It doesn’t just happen one day in your teen years. Think back and see the signs.
Good on you for resolving to break the cycle and give your kids the childhood you were denied. And congrats on your Olympic wins. Just getting to that level is a massive achievement!
When I was a lot younger, I found that my narc family attacked me a lot less less when I pretended to be a "bumbling idiot" that they needed to "fix." I didn't do this haphazardly--It was more-or-less a last resort in order to exist among them. They felt less threatened and thus felt a sense of superiority over me. Of course this "persona" as a survival tactic wasn't ideal because I began to internalize this "bumbling" identity. It was a very difficult, demoralizing time in my life. Going NC was the only answer and then I went on to being only authentic and thriving.. 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
Oh wow I experienced the exact same thing I noticed when I was a class clown type of person who pretended to not be very smart my family attacked me a lot less so I kept and it was hard to shake it later on once I made no contact
Yes, yes, yes! I was the scapegoat for my narcissist mother, then married a narcissist. Now as a 75 year old widow, I finally know that I have, in a sense, lived my life in an insane asylum, but was too gaslighted and brainwashed to realize that I was not the problem; instead my caregivers were pathological. Will check out your book. Am new to this channel, but will now be a loyal subscriber. Thank you THIS much.
I was the family scapegoat growing up. In the 90's we went to a family counseling session and after hearing everyone, the counselor told my mom and step-dad that they had made me the "family savior". I was only 15 and had no clue what was really happening but i did know that what he said was right. My parents got pissed and said he was full of crap and just didn't know how bad I was. We never went to a family counselor again lol.
That’s my childhood to a T. Ended up in family therapy court ordered. The therapist originally was pretty harsh to me, until my family came in. They all stormed out one by one in a rage after she pointed out their shortcomings and how they blamed me for everything. When they all had left the room, she said “I’m so sorry for judging you. All you can do is prepare to get out when you’re 18.” I didn’t even make it to 18 there. I was a homeless teenager. I’m doing pretty well now and through a hellish time period I’ve held almost all of them accountable. They don’t even try the crap they used to try with me. They can’t. I beat them at their own game, and now I can endure things that the average human cannot. Im thankful for what they put me through.
Omg went through the SAME thing! My mom said “she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” And she “hates professionals that don’t have children tell parents about their children.” Love to thank that Dr. I remember chuckling inside. Lol they took me to therapy to make me feel like something is wrong with me but it uno reversed. 😂
@RufusToots420 very true, it was bad. All the adults in my childhood (and beyond) failed me terribly. But i still feel like I'm just complaining so if I toss an lol in there it won't come off that way 🙃
The only attention I got at home was negative attention. I used humor to deal with it. As I heal, I realized that though I made them humorous, the intent from my biological parents was not to make me laugh and give me content, but it was to crush my self esteem. The reason I tolerated subtle jabs from people. People making demeaning and just rude statements about me, is because I thought it was funny. However, the kinder and kinder I speak to myself, the more I realise how unhealthy it was
My narcissist mother and my narcissist siblings stole my part of the inheritance I got from my dad. And they are surprised I have a problem with it and want to go to court with them. They say I never had the rights to get my part of the inheritance because I (suddenly) do not belong to the family and that I am just totally crazy and belong in a institution. They stole 1,5 million dollars from me and are surprised that this will have consequences for them. These people and their actions and the way they think is unbelievable!
Indeed, my twin brothers got motorcycles, without consistently working towards them. After he divorced our mother going through a total hysterectomy and was given pain pills, hormones uppers and downers, as he didn’t help her during recovery after surgery, he expected to do her job, as soon as she got home. The boys would act out and he expected her to discipline them, instead of having her back. I couldn’t believe my one brother was bullying her, because of that. He lied after sneaking candy and sharing with his twin, that he saw me stealing it, that they got it from me…so he smirked because later, they got more candy, but I didn’t. He figured out that the two of them could blame me and get away with it. Dad locked his bedroom door, so things would quit disappearing, and for many years, thought I was the thief, but when they left from high school, he noticed that nothing disappeared again. I’d been punished all those years, yet he would not apologize for not listening to me, saying I didn’t. One brother washed dishes at the restaurant and snuck into the hostess and waitresses tip bowls to steal money, until he got caught and got fired, but Dad never stopped him from stealing from me, out of my bedroom, because I was the one they claimed was the thief. I was so glad when they went into the Navy together, versus finish high school! They never changed and act the same to this day. Narcissism is sadly no cure for to this day. I just stay away from those 5 siblings who never faced the truth, and had each others backs in gossip through the adult years.
I am so sorry to hear that! My parents stole my identity to buy my brother a house. It's crazy how ungrateful such parents are to have such a sweet daughter, who did nothing but try to please them and try to earn their love, while they showered affection on their spoiled, selfish son who always took them for granted. I'm just so through with all of them.
I get lots of Therapy when I NEED it here on RU-vid. This is a wonderful experience and I'm so glad I didn't off myself 6 years ago..If you can't afford a great Therapist, Jay Reid and a couple of other EXPERTS have taught me more than 40 years of counseling and Therapy. Now I KNOW what makes me tick and WHY! Thanks Jay Reid!
This may come across as harsh, but most of the therapist I run across are either clueless, greedy, or cowardly. I say this because they never go straight to the issue. In a medical care setting the first thing of primary care doctor will do is a family history to see what elements track up the family lineage. In 10 minutes any competent therapist would be able to determine that I was abused by narcissistic parents and that the root of self-esteem and other issues that I was go to therapy for in the first place, but they never do that. They never go there.
You know you've been a scapegoat when it's painful to listen to this. For me it was physically painful when I reacted against being a scapegoat. However, I grew bigger and taller than them and I could see through the fog. I had low expectations from life and I was cynical and skeptical on just about everything. What I didn't know was that it made me a bit wiser, low expectations means that you can be pleasantly surprised and you appreciate nice or kind acts. It also means that you take nothing at face value, less likely to be conned, tricked or even join a cult.
I was the scapegoat child because i had adhd and autism. I didn't know i had adhd and autism when i was younger. I was always over sensitive and emotional unstable and had meltdowns. When my narcissistic mother would put me down my sister's would agree and love to join in to get my mothers attention. My siblings would always tell on me and loved nothing better than to gang up on me. And my mother would often hit me. I became a people pleaser and very empathetic. I would always self sabotage and let people be horrible to me until my early 30s. I had to realize a lot of people are only thinking about themselves. And a lot of people need to act superior to boost their self esteem. After a lot of healing by just watching RU-vid videos on CBT and DBT therapy videos. I no longer care what people say or do. If people show disrespect they lack respect. Its best to ignore drama so we can feel calmer. Its best to keep calm and carry on and stay strong.😮
This is actually accurate when you consider the hypocrisy. Yet even a scapegoated child can have a voice that says it’s not right. A natural defense mechanism can develop by not engaging. The narcissistic parent is viewed as someone to avoid as much as possible. Thank you 🤔❤🇺🇸
Yes I was always being sent to my bedroom on some pretext. I spent a lot of time there. My sister was only a year older than my and I had to go yo bed an hour earlier. He gave all my toys away when I was 10 and my sister denies all knowledge. She couldn't have not known. My mother didn't mention it.
I think this may be true and possibly why my siblings hate me still, even now. But, I still needed help from them a few years later (had a child with a narc husband who would do nothing for us) which brought me back into the situation for many years.
My parents are doing it to my golden child sister rn definitely not nearly as bad but it’s insane that my sister genuinely seems to think she has it the worst despite growing up the favorite
This was a sizzling video. I'm 64yo, and I knew at a deep level that my mother was troubled from an early age, but until recently, blind to how she affected me, and how I responded to those pressures. Thanks Jay. I am interested in sibling dynamics in Narcissistic Families. I felt a deep loyalty to my siblings, and ended up defending them to my mother. This put me openly at odds with my mother, and only now realizing that they had as much contempt and distain for me that my mother did.
I have realized the same thing with my Narc father and my siblings. I always defended them when he would try to talk poorly of them. I realize now that they were more than happy to throw me under the bus to please him and as we have all aged have become blatantly abusive to me.
I have a slightly older brother who my parents were openly disappointed in since he was pre school age, but he wasn’t really the scapegoat because my parents had no expectations for him. He never needed to participate responsibly in any way in life. I was more the scapegoat because I was (still am) expected to swoop in and fix. But I’ll never be “good enough” or appreciated for my efforts and successes, and I’m blamed for things real and imagined that have nothing to do with me. My brother was adopted, I’m a bio kid. The dynamics in my family are typically weird! In one sense, my brother was the “chosen” “pursued” child. I was the unexpected “wasn’t supposed to be possible” kid. Yet, there was an element of whatever issues my brother had being attributed to his not being my parents’ fault because he was adopted. We didn’t have any golden children in our family though…we were both made to feel like disappointments and failures-that my parents should have had children reflecting their own amazingness but fate was cruel to them 🙄
@@Jenny-io6pv thanks for that reflection. I know I have a naive courage, that to this day is getting me into trouble at times. Your reflection on further scapegoating in a variety of settings is very helpful. I see that my naive courage is about over responsibility and a distorted sense of duty, that is tied up with not being personally worthy or deserving without some how voicing and standing up for others. It is so helpful how we can learn from one another and support one another here. Step by baby step learning at 50, have been trying for years.
@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Hi Mellie, thanks for your response! I went no contact with my family and extended family, actually they disowned me as I married someone they didn't approve of (thought I would come running back) but I felt so much freedom the moment it happened which was odd. It is twisted isn't it and just so confusing to this day even though I have peace and understand narcissism it's still so confusing to comprehend. I hope you are ok and finding YT handy for help. Again thanks for messaging, appreciate it.
For anyone strugging, it gets better! Stay present and focus on your life and what you want!! You can empower yourself! Excellent video Jay, thank you!!
I spent sooooo many years trying to fix what was wrong with me and address why I never seemed to be able to get my life and relationships together, FINALLY I have come to realize where all of my misguided thinking had come from and why I always "attracted" manipulative users as friends and partners! I feel so much like a blindfold has been removed or a missing gear has been replaced and everything has clicked, I can see the behavior so much more clearly for what it is. All of this is to point out how completely and continuous this training can be, how the entire family system joins in on this training to brainwash and manipulate the scapegoat as time goes on.
@@thesehandsart thanks I’m beginning to feel a lot more freedom now, putting the pieces into place. Quite the opposite happened in therapy, it became a weird scapegoating of sorts. Life is often challenging but I now have a growing inner peace, along with the sad moments. I imagine I’m not alone in this and I’m now in my 50’s and often see other commentators of a similar age. Glad I didn’t give up and believe what was not true. Good to have found one another in such a healing space 💪🙏
This is what transpired as soon as our Dad was killed. I was very loudly and aggressively reminded/told by the “mother” and her eldest children that: “you’ve had EVERYTHING. You’ve got no idea what it means to suffer..” and similar narratives that every teenager wants to hear when they’ve just buried their Dad 😒 You are right in that the narcissistic mom persistently attempts to “pathologize” the views and life choices of the children if those views are not aligned with hers. These type of parents have deep rooted issues of self-loathing which they project onto everyone who enables the dysfunctional conduct. Good riddance to them ✅
Thanks for the validation. Yes, you feel closer to your parents when you accept their scapegoating, that something is wrong with you or take on what they emotionally throw at you. It is the only thing you do that they approve of. It is the only way you 'fit' in your family. It makes me sick, but it is so true you accept the scapegoating to earn your parent's approval.
At home, I couldn't use other bedrooms except for my own bedroom. Also my bedroom didn't have a lock, other bedrooms did. I couldn't sit on the sofa with my feet on the sofa. Others could do that. I wouldn't be given any money by my money when she won in gambling. I wouldn't be invited to any family events. It was traumatic because it felt like I wasn't wanted. Unless it was going to raise eyebrows from other extended family members i.e if there was a funeral or we had to go visit my father's side of the family and go play "Happy Family" It's now 1 year No contact to forever. That part of my life is over.
Play “Happy Family” .. I’d like to borrow that one for the rest of time if it’s ok .. my 6 siblings love playing “happy family” and laughing constantly at jokes that aren’t funny when they are altogether in a public type setting .. I refused to go to a nieces’ wedding several states away this past year as I have gone no contact from all of them and it wasn’t at all practical for me in a new job .. the niece didn’t even have the decency to call me by name to invite me .., “ hey you .. I’d like to invite .. “ No thanks .. pics sent .. everyone laughing in the pictures but privately they’ve all had serious depression and other issues
My mother was a beautiful " it" girl who resented my youth and looks..she and my father would lap up the compliments about me, but at home I was beaten with a riding stick and slapped, mocked and treated as an unwanted intruder by my two, in cahoots with eachother and favoured siblings. Good news, have a happy adult life and great career. Went no contact finally after I realised my success made the narc angry...she just couldn't adjust to the fact I hadn't realised her worst predictions.
My narcissistic father told me to "get off the self-destruct button" Took me 30 years...but I did just that when I sought help, went to therapy and began to understand my childhood.
The less attention I got from that parent was blissful because it was never positive. Almost escaped in grade 8 when a guidance counsellor tried to help stop that parent's physical abuse. My parent slammed the door in her face, then slammed my face with a fist. A couple years later I raised my fist screaming, "Go ahead, you're getting one back!" It stopped the hitting, but I got lots of guilt trips for "threatening to punch my ..." (Parent triangulated everyone from me that they could. At almost 50 now, most family friends only know my brother exists.)
Wow! I am a scapegoat, but when I moved out, I started to behave more like myself. I started to become a manager, and a top performer in the top 10 pharmaceutical companies. only Other jealous people, tried to put me down. This video explains so much and why I have low self esteem, low confidence, and a miserable life after I moved back home to care of my parents. My siblings still discount my value. I was called a "liability" by my one still alive brother. I have gotten immune to be alone. Not lonely any more. Also explains other actions that I do.
"false sense of security and suddenly pounced upon"...yep that sounds about right. The word indoctrinated was used, so fitting. I was taught don't trust anyone else, but trust them more than myself. Also, I have been wondering why I feel like everything is about me, but I deserve so much less than others? Like it's all about me, but not in a good way. Or, if it was in a good way, it was at someone else's expense. I am finally recognizing that my parents were so focused on me to make sure I wasn't doing anything that seemed selfish.. During family vacations it was all about letting me know I am spending too much time in the bathroom. But I was also focused on to brag about around my cousins. So I grew up expecting attention to be on me, but I always had to prove I had the right to have whatever I got, or to apologize for my shortcomings. Feeling like all the attention on me feels narcissistic, so it just makes me want to prove to others it's not all about me. Now, I'm learning that putting myself first and seeing myself as deserving is different than thinking everyone is watching my every move.
This video is so spot on. I remember being aware at a very young age, of my brother's "special-ness." I can still remember the moment. So many of our family dinners were spent making fun of me and my body...at a very vulnerable age. Usually my mom and brother were the ones poking fun at how I looked. My dad was pretty silent. I allowed myself to be the butt of jokes just to be included in the conversation. I can also relate to them drawing you near over something being wrong. It is so weird to look back at all of this, now that I am older. It has taken me a lifetime of work to try and feel better about myself. Your videos are so helpful and explain SO MUCH! Thank you!
I am so sorry to hear about that, and I strongly suspect your childish mother was jealous of you, in some way. It also sounds like you and I had a similar family: my mother absolutely adored my brother, as in over the moon for him. He was only two years younger than me, but he'd sit and suck his thumb while she praised him to death, yet if I didn't win piano awards, I'd get beaten. She'd be screaming at me to clean the house, yelling that I could not go rollerskating because it wasn't already clean, so my brother would pop his thumb out of his mouth to remind her, "But I can still go rollerskating, huh Mommy?" My father favored my brother as well, but it was clear he was sometimes astonished at the lengths to which my mother took it
After having my own children it made me realise just how much of a narcissist my father was. I have always encouraged my children or helped them in any way I can to achieve their goals. How can you not do this if you love your children so much. I wanted my children to have everything I didnt. I didnt 'wet nurse' them & showed them they had to do their bit too & then massively praised them when they reached those goals...instead of saying 'you wouldnt have managed without me', just as my father would have.
Wow! Nailed it! I was the one in rehab, on 51/50’s and then I started going to college, and one week before my graduation, ALL MY FAMILY TURNED AGAINST ME! As long as I played the role, I was accepted.
Jay, Your videos are SO helpful and also the viewers comments are spot on about the effects of being scapegoated. My mother was horrible at using my suffering to give her "power". I was so unaware that she would be talking smack about me behind my back to EVERYONE else. It took me years to figure out why people around me treated me rudely or with indifference because they bought the lies my mom told them about me. I am 67 now and have recovered a lot, but still am learning and still recovering from a lifetime of abuse from my parents and other people. Thank you Jay and the commenters for your valuable insight! :-)
This video just brought back so many feelings I thought id long forgotten. Started working at 11 myself, had to buy my own cars (my brother was bought multiple cars), I forgot about how I used to hope to get sick or even injured so my mom would pay attention to me, when I had acne she'd lose her mind and shame me like it wasn't just part of growing. Once forced me out of my sleep just to wash my face. I was extremely anxious that day and had popped all my pimples so I had scars on my face and a couple open wounds I guess. She raged over it them forced me to use a cleanser that burned on regular skin. She kept demanding I tell her how much it hurt. By that point I had learned not to protest so I said it didn't hurt. It did a lot, me saying it didn't made her mad so then she started washing my face forcefully with more of the stuff that was already hurting me. Never paid for any of my interests,I had to do that, however my brother got whatever he wanted all while failing full grades at school, getting fired constantly, getting suspended regularly in school and never really achieving anything but somehow I needed to be more like him. I was in beta club(not sure that still exists)but it was an academic club set aside for higher GPAs. Teachers always loved me, employers always loved me. Everybody loved me except my mother, I never understood till I went to therapy. I'm now no contact and my life is 100% better.
Same here. Good grades, activities, college degree, successful , friends etc. never in trouble in my entire life. Brother in rehab 3 times, cheated on his wife, got girls pregnant, abortions followed and HE is the golden child.
Yes, this scapegoat dynamic originating in the family gets repeated in workplace and other group settings. It is insidious! This is a great and insightful video that I feel is on point. He does a great job of explaining how a scapegoat is shaped and molded within the family.
I think as scapegoat we unconsciously gravitate towards familiar narcissistic personalities and then assume the scapegoat role out of habit in other circumstances. We take on the blame instead of speaking up for ourselves and readily admit our own faults, allowing others to push their crap onto us.
I was constantly villainized by my mom every time I showed anger, sadness or any negative emotion that her hurtful comments would cause. Then after gaslighting and villainizing me for having the nerve to feel hurt (too sensitive, I misunderstood her, she didn’t say that, etc) she would give me the silent treatment for days. I was always forced by my dad to “make it right” (he would accuse me of being selfish thinking it was always about me) by apologizing, validating her feelings and listening to her until she felt better, I was forced into being her therapist from the time I was 10 on. I always resented the fact that they forced me to first be the villain, than forced to be the understanding and forgiving one, while taking complete blame for everything. Their narrative was a revolving door of batshit crazy and caused my trauma split (age 6), fragmented and dissociative identity disordered mind (developed after trauma splitting, I very maturely decided at age 6 that I would change who I was so they wouldn’t have any reason to hurt me anymore…it did not work). I also remember her hyper critical, hurtful comments felt like whiplash, every single time. My brother was also extremely abusive and a vulnerable narcissist. His abuse was just pure hate and maliciousness though.
@@vivianriver6450 in my mom and brother’s case, it’s because they needed me to be their scapegoat since they weren’t emotionally mature enough to take responsibility for their own mistakes. They needed a scapegoat and not a well behaved child that does everything right. Once I realized this (only took 40 years), I stopped trying to be what they were forcing on me and started being the genuine and sincere person I was born to be. Insincere people make me the most uncomfortable because they only know how to lie to the people around them and themselves. They only ever say what they think you want to hear and they only think you want to hear what they themselves NEED to hear. Truth isn’t in their vocabulary.
They kept me dependent, enabled, coddled, and ineffective in the world professionally, socially, and financially while in return I "paid them back" or "earned my keep" so to speak by acting like I had mental illness and was inherently defective and broken. But I got disowned by my family and thrown out on the street homeless once I started to reject my "role" and started flipping accusations around on them as abusive mentally unstable people. Ooh they did NOT like that!
When I was in the 4th grade, my teacher asked me to look up the word, “indifferent”. I was shocked that she would think that of me. I struggled with abuse and poor health, and we moved 4 times by the time I was in 4th grade. I was terrified at school and at home, & adopted a dissociative freeze response. It certainly wasn’t indifference.
Thank you. Jay. I’m feeling very sad now for all I’ve been through, it didn’t end in childhood. I’m fair, feisty and kind- so never thought where I found myself in adult life would happen. You are doing so much good service through all this excellent free psycho education here.
Jay, Thank you for an excellent video. Your examples really helped me realise once again that I was the scapegoat, I protested the injustice but was shamed and carried so much guilt for over half a century. This is what I inherited and unfortunately inadvertently passed onto my children. Happily we have been or are in therapy but the damage is deep and soul crushingly painful. 💔😥
This explanation is so very important for those healing from the trauma of narcissistic abuse to lift that sense of guilt, shame, and blame that survivors of this abuse experience. When I listened to this I could see how this happened in my childhood and make sense of it all. And in addition, it’s also helping me understand what my teenage son is experiencing with his father, my ex-spouse. I can be more helpful as a positive healthy parent who can support him by understanding this dynamic so I can take better care of him and myself. Parenting with a narcissistic ex-spouse is a challenge so I truly appreciate all of your support in making these videos accessible to us. Knowledge and understanding is empowering, thank you for all you do! 💜🙏
My mother made me the scapegoat because I looked like my fathers mother, who she despised. Because of that, she put all of her hated from my grandmother on me. My grandmother wasn’t a terrible person but she had a really dark past and that past was put on me as well. My mother would tell people I was a liar or on drugs or a thief, all when I was just a child…and of course none of that was true. I was a quiet, imaginative child who kept to myself. She then got everyone to believe there was something fundamentally wrong with me, something only she could see. If my baby sister talked back, my bedroom door would get kicked in because she “learned it from me” and it was my fault. When my mom started showing signs of aging, my father told me I stole my mother’s beauty and her sagging skin was my fault. When I started acting out and rebelling against this as I got older, it was confirmation to her and everyone around her that I was a piece of crap and damaged. I believed this too for many years and have been in and out of psych wards and addiction. I’ve since healed, thanks to therapy and videos like these. There are so many families like these, I wish there would be more education with healthcare providers and educators so these kids can get support. ❤
Holy shit. Could it actually be possible that I didn't have bad asthma, and or continued headaches and sinus problems? 🤔. The special boy that was always sick, who ended up at my grandparents literally "all the time". I do know that at what ever chance I'd go to my grandparents after school. But also, the moment I hit high school, I ended up under my best mates wing and ended up spending all my damn time over there. And/or in my room playing guitar. It is truly fascinating stuff, having some form of framework to use to look back upon these things. Thanks man 💪
I was right all along. I remember reading "The Whipping Boy" in 5th grade and seeing myself in that book. I'm currently two decades into my adult life and I've wasted it all self-sabotaging because that's the only way my parents wouldn't sabotage me. Their happiness depends on my unhappiness.
I can’t believe how spot on all this was for how my life has been. Everything he said basically happened to me. I remember when I was a kid my mom would tell me how since my birthday was so close to Christmas that I wasn’t going to get many gifts for my birthday. Id get about a couple presents. But when it came to my brother’s birthdays they would get all sorts of gifts and they would have a big party. I was always told I was selfish or inconsiderate. None of this ever made sense to me as I always loved my family and in my heart I know I never took anything for granted.
I wish id found this information when i was a teenager. It's changed my outlook on life knowing I'm not the broken selfish mess my family portrayed me as. Thank you for providing this to those of us not able or willing to attend therapy.
I'm the scapegoat of the family. Now, I understand the trauma I've experienced throughout life. Even now at 53 with my own daughter and granddaughter, I realized that my family has always been toxic. My mom has had so much control over me. Recently, my mom betrayed me and broke my heart deeply. So much so that when she's around me, I get physically sick. I start feeling nauseous and my head hurts. It's the same thing with my niece, who happens to be my mom's favorite. Now, I'm understanding why I am the way I am. I now understand why I have PTSD, major depression and anxiety, plus bulimia. I will definitely read your book.
In my experience, as a child I was made to feel like something was wrong with my brain. When I was yelled at, there was a lot of pointing and asking ‘is that normal’ ‘normal people don’t do that’ and ‘what are you thinking’ with disgust. I thought other people were born with all facts and knowledge in their brain already. I worried what was wrong with me. And I was upset that other kids did the ‘right’ things and looked free to laugh, play, cry, etc without getting in trouble or getting yelled at etc. So much like cult-like tactics, I ended up believing or internalizing the things my parents would tell me. That is how I ended up getting programmed to identify as a scapegoat and have core beliefs that were hurtful. I liked going to school because it was a safe place for me and my teachers saw me as sweet. I then became an overachiever in school, I was probably looking for that love and attention from teachers, but also wanted to be independent and have a better future. At the same time, I developed bad anxiety that I would try to cover up or it would come out as aggression in certain ways (ex. Getting very wound up if I missed homework or got something wrong on a worksheet, and studying harder, running until I felt numb etc and I beat myself up about not being ‘better’). I ended up being an honor student but definitely struggled with feeling like I had this ‘secret’ that I had this ‘messed up’ brain. I grew up with a fear of teachers and adults as well because I feared that behind closed doors, I could not trust anyone, and that everyone was trying to crush me inside. Today I work on my inner self a lot and try to educate myself on emotional abuse, etc.
Thank you this was so helpful. I love they way that you are very specific in your explanations. Your content is unique and is truly helpful. ♥️ Another thought about family scapegoat: the others siblings are conditioned to believe the parent’s lies/distortions and treat you the same. The whole group/system is against you. It’s weird, even as an adult, they have no idea/interest/clue who you are.
In family system these who become narcissists for sure they are absolutely conscient about their bad bullying behaviour so when the scapegoat sibling not around any more the True reality shines on them!! Loosers!!
Thanks, Suzanne, this is very true. I am currently very isolated and I wish the ones that were manipulated would turn around and recognize me for who I am, but I am in too much pain hoping for that to happen. I have to remind myself, if they were really interested, perhaps they would ask me directly. Either way, it feels terrible to even have to "convince" people of who one is vs the slander others create.
It gave me social anxiety, depression and fear of conflict. I can't make myself go to the doctors to get diagnosed for social anxiety, but I know I have it. I need help, but every time I am on my way to the doctor, I become so anxious that I have to go back home. I am unable to cry in front of anyone. But in the eyes of other people, I am a strong independent woman, that is kind to everyone and is cheerful often.
My dad was super abusive. I knew that much, even as a kid growing up. I'd try to tell people (teachers, counselors, even police) but everyone just blew it off, "I'm not going to tell him how to raise his child". But he was abusive. Emotionally. Physically. And sexually abusive. When I was a kid my dad was either telling me how stupid or useless I am, how if it wasn't for him, I'd have nobody and then smack me around. Or he would ignore me, act like I didn't exist at all. He would tell me to join the school band, so I did, to please him. But then he never once came to see me play when we did a show or had a contest. He would punish me if he got a phone call from the school, but then had no interest in looking at my report card, so he never saw my straight A's. I had to sign my dad's name to on the back page and return it to "prove I'd shown it to my parents". If I tried to show him my report card, so he could see my straigh A's, he'd scream at me and terrify me. He would praise me for something, and then 3 days later punish me for the same thing. I felt I was the most inside out, upside down, confused kid in the world. I didn't know if I was coming or going. People would tell me, "just don't do anything to anger him", but that was impossible because I never knew what would piss him off. And sometimes he would even make it up. He would invent some reason to beat me, accusing me of having done something that I didn't even do. Not until after I grew up, moved out, got married, had a child of my own, then I heard about the narcissistic family, the golden child (that would be my brother) and the scapegoat. My brother was praised for everything. He was even praised for cheating in school... he was proud of it, and he would flaunt it to me. "Look at this grade I got for a test. I paid Doug to let me copy off of him." or "I made an A on a book report for a book I didn't even read". And my family thought he was fantastic. They lavished him with praise and gifts. They'd point out that I didn't make as good a grade, it didn't matter to them that my grades were based on me actually having done the work. I had even told my friends that I could discover the cure for cancer, and my family would still call me a "loser". While all my brother had to do was fart, and they'd call him "brilliant".
Though my mother was the abuser who was so twitterpated with my brother (father adored him as well, just not as much), other than that you have described my life. I especially like the line about "I could cure cancer and they would still call me a loser, but all my brother had to do was fart and they'd call him 'brilliant'." In elementary school, I was winning piano awards for playing classical music, while my brother, only two years younger, would be rewarded with a trip to the skating rink if he simply popped his thumb out of his mouth while my mother was yelling at me to ask her, "But I can still go skating, huh mommy?" Meant he could go and I could not.
Thank you for these videos. I’d like to hear about the side effects of recovery, when you attempt to find safe people and places and how diffficult it can be. Being met with toxic positivity, and people who even have experienced narc abuse themselves will even try to convince you , that your narc parents love you after you tell your traumatic story. It’s either victim blaming, and still no comprehension of how telling an abuse victim their parent still loves them while abusing them. How you have no choice but to shut down, the isolation of this experience, how even intellectually you know something is wrong, but the process of actually getting support is exhausting. Especially if you’re going through a rough time and can’t afford therapy at the moment…. How debilitating it can feel to be made to take care of everyone your entire life, be there for them in anyway, how you neglect yourself in the process , and they feed you lies that you can’t take care of yourself. How can I not when I’m goaded to be there for everyone else? And when I need a smidge of support I’m not only verbally accosted but kick me when I’m down. It’s very frustrating when I hear, they love you, we know you want to reconcile with your family….I’m sorry what part of my family hates me do you not understand?? Also maybe the hard part of being spiritual and having a relationship with God, but feeling like not even God hears you most days. The lack of patience with everything. Being fed up, and sad. Just wanting to lie around to comfort yourself, then feeling guilty. Feeling like your faith in life isn’t strong enough.
My mom laughs looking at old photos off me making fun of my childhood photos of me covered in bandaids saying I used to ask for band aids all the time, even for old scars, and I just cry inside knowing what that means now. I just want her to pay attention to me. The neglect was real.
I'm so sorry, you didn't and don't deserve this. If you can't afford therapy and are having a hard time finding support, CODA is free and provides support and a structured path towards healing from the inside out. I hope that you find peace❤️💪❤️
I really feel for you, your narrative is so similar to mine. I feel as though my life isn’t mine. But I’m working on it. Do you have people in your life you can trust, or ask for support? Is there a crisis/help centre you can contact? Start with little things that make you feel good. If you’re exhausted, the big things will feel too much to handle. Validate YOURSELF. Look in the mirror or write down what qualities are YOURS. Being a scapegoat will tell you that you’re kind, considerate, funny etc etc etc - all those qualities the narcissist will have tried to squash out of you. Go back to your list every day and reaffirm those qualities to yourself. You could write down what negative things were said/done to you. It’s your choice to burn that list, or keep it and say ‘no’ to each one, every day. These lists will be difficult, but affirming your strengths will get easier, and you’ll strengthen what’s been weakened. You’re showing strength in your post by sticking with your truth. Tell those enablers “no” and stick with it. They don’t qualify for any more explanations. Cut them out, block their numbers, whatever it takes. It’s a waste of your limited energy anyway. STOP doing for your parents, what you should be doing for YOURSELF. Please don’t waste any more of your time, it’s precious ❤ If your parents have each other, and enablers, then they don’t need you running around for them. Try not to let guilt get you, it’s always part of a narc’s plan.
Okay, I just discovered your channel and you’re scaring me lol; it’s like you’ve had my family’s house wiretapped for years and watched my whole childhood. These examples you gave describe my childhood almost verbatim. It’s crazy how similar narcissistic parents are, but also weirdly comforting to me to know I wasn’t alone and that there was nothing wrong with me. But at the same time it’s sad to know so many people have had to suffer as scapegoated kids. Thanks for these videos; your insight is so interesting and spot on!
I got straight A's but couldn't get a pat on the back for my accomplishments. When I received a 4 year scholarship and used her phone to call my out of state dad to see if he could spot me 100$ a month for necessities, my mom stomped off with her golden child and screamed that I was stupid for refusing it just because he said no, even though it was the furthest thing from my mind- I intended to accept anyway, but she had destroyed the letter from the college by the next day.
Yes .. spot on. I had suspected my mother (deceased) of being a full on covert narcissist for a number of years. Then I lived with my 2nd oldest brother, of 4 brothers & 2 sisters, for 2 years and the intensity of the psychological & emotional abuse was ratcheted up over time with intimidation, bullying, cruel sarcasm and ‘jokes’ and a plethora of other highly toxic behaviors until I had to get away to preserve what was left of my psyche despite my greyrocking the hell out of him ( no way , it lives with delight in him) .. then I saw throughout all of my siblings a bond among them that excluded me with even ‘trauma stealing” by a sister as I had trauma in my youth .. it’s like I see thru all the family dynamic now but am in a peaceful place now healing as much as possible the last 10 weeks
Growing up in that environment is rough. My brother was the oldest of three kids. He was parentified to take on the parental role as babysitter to my sister and me. We were only two years apart. The golden boy got everything he wanted. My sister and I had to endure abuse from this kid because there were no boundaries in that house. He ruled the house and they allowed it. I used to complain but nobody listened. That kid was the devil incarnate. My sister and I were afraid of him, he was that mean. After we grew up, I finally stood up to him and informed him that I am NOT taking orders from him anymore and that my narcissist mother was HIS problem not mine. I got tired of having orders barked at me and I got tired of cleaning up the big blob of sh*t that woman created. Because she couldn't manage her life. She was extremely guillible and she catered to the wrong type of people. My father had died at that point. He was a man who was ruled by her. He had no backbone. He wasn't a narcissist like her, he was a guy who needed someone to mother him . He was extremely codependent 🤦♀️ Those days are over. I went to therapy, went no contact with these people and finally gave myself what they never gave me which is love and a happy life. It's all in the past now. My sister and I are no contact with him. My parents died. I don't miss these people.
I really need to hear this. Thank you again, Jay. Keep up the good work so others don't have to figure it out alone in their 60's. We all thank you so much.
This is a VERY limited overview of this kind of abuse. At least as far as my experience was as an only child. it's definitely not generalized. It's highly targeted. Specifically catered to the child in specific ways. designed to undermine every thought, action and feeling, to gaslight even the simplest of interactions until the child isn't sure of anything any more. things are inverted and reversed until the world ceases making sense. To drive the child inward until they completely destroy any sense of self or identity. Isolating the child with circular double speak their entire life until they loose the ability to effectively communicate with any neurotypical person.
He does give parts of it here, and he has lots of other videos. I don't think he wanted to do a 12-hour video, but what you described sounds very familiar.
To think that I was scapegoated and believed the lies for 36 years, but there was always a part of me that held out, it knew I was so much more … that blows my mind
This video raises a question - what is the difference between a narcissistic parent who wants to hurt you, and one who hurts you because they grew up thinking that 'kids are too much' ' criticising helps improving'. I know I am the scapegoat but I struggle with putting the responsability on the parents as they didn''t know any better and don't have the capacity for reflextion nor the ability/ energy / will to change. I have a hard time deciding on my attitude as they are sometimes randomly attuned but often hurting me emotionally.
I found the video a miracle, I am in the thick of it, as my mother the narcissistic is actively passing I had hoped this would free me from a lifetime contract of being the scapegoat. My sister and 3 brothers live the role it is intensifying, I have been able in the past to create distance in my life but with my Mom passing I am finding I am being held hostage. What is holding me back is I want to be in alignment with God as my parent, guidance, and protector. I am a jumbled-up mess, with your video being my next supportive choice for my highest good, seeking inner kindness and peace. Thank you
Thank you for all the work you do! Your videos really help validate me when I'm gaslighting myself....could you possibly do a video in the future about how the enabling parent scapegoats the child too? I recently went no contact with my enabling father, who I love very much, but I couldn't live having my emotions and mental health scapegoated as an excuse for him to be in denial about his abusive marriage anymore. He has always fallen back on painting me as too emotional, too unstable/crazy, too sensitive, too perfectionistic to avoid any of the truth of what I'm saying and to avoid feeling shame for how badly he damaged his kids.
Former scapegoat here. After many years of beating myself up, im doing great! Took many, many years to overcome the damage done by my family. Im not perfect, but im happy
So grateful for this video. I've been seeing this pattern with my own mother trying to act like something is wrong with me on a variety of levels and I was getting kind of afraid of how sick it seems even when I'm feeling fine. This really helped me understand it's been embedded into my family paradigm even though I was aware I received the scapegoat role archetypally in my immediate and greater family system. When you're young enough too, you end up being a family system fulfilled prophecy. You speak very well about these concepts! Thank you!
One Christmas my parents bought my brother a computer and I got a bag. Later my mother gave my deceased father's car to my brother - a mercedes - and I got nothing. When I protested against this constant unfairness - and I finally could now that angry bully was gone - she exploded, insulted me ceaselessly in front of my children and phoned everyone we knew up and said I was bitter and jealous and in need of psychiatric help.
