Family scapegoat, prized, needed and envied | Diane Collins | TEDxFederalHill 

17:54 "So I hope this helps someone". A scapegoat speaking out, speaking freely, will always help 'someone'. A scapegoat has a voice that needs to be heard.

The scapegoat is the one who stands the greatest chance of being mentally healthy!

The generational trauma that gets passed down is insane. In my 4th decade and I now realise that I was the Scspegoat all along and the familial narcissism is exactly what has happened on my mother’s side of the family and explains A LOT about her behaviour towards me. I refuse to pass this toxicity down to my own child. We are supposed to pass down wealth and wisdom. NOT trauma, shame and guilt.

I went no contact with the ringleader, my mother. She then triangulated everyone against me including overseas relatives who I hadn’t heard from in years, my acupuncturist and family doctor to try to hoover me back to her. I had to cut off all her enablers including my father who was being the worst flying monkey (even though she treats him like dirt, he still defends her). My mother is 82 and frail but her mouth is caustic and lethal. Her mind is astute and sharp… and destructive, envious, sabotaging etc. Now I’m again the scapegoat for ‘making her suffer’ apparently because I’ve gone no contact with her and everyone connected to her. I’m about to move to another state with my daughter to add distance. So much energy enlisted by my mother and her flying monkeys to create as much trouble as possible. I can only thank God that I’m secure within myself and don’t accept any blame from them. To others in this situation, be strong, prioritise yourself, your health and concentrate on people who love you, your animals and your hobbies. Thanks for this talk and blessings to you madam ☀️

The pain and the scars never go away, but I have come to see myself not as the scapegoat but as the escapegoat. I am the only one who was freed from the toxic tribe and was able to go far beyond it.

When she says “families help each other? Is this for real?” Hits home

"You become invisible," Yes, that's the effect it has over time. The family talks over you. But never with you. They leave you out. All who participate in the family do the same. They then have a position inside that family. And they want to be somebody inside the family.

The one that is the escape goat has the biggest and most caring heart. That used to be me. Now I am the enemy to most of my relatives. I do not want anything to do with them. I am fed up.

Most people who give Ted talks have something worthwhile to share. But it’s so rare to hear someone speak with so much beautiful, hard won authenticity. Bless you 💜

I was my mother's scapegoat. The abuse I suffered was unimaginable. I would give this a thousand likes. You can tell this lady has been through it. God bless her heart. Thank you for talking about this. We will no longer be silent!

You have just described my family! I thought that when my mother died , the abuse would cease. It didn't ...... silly me. At 50 , I've finally had the courage to walk away. It's been 12 months. One of my sisters keep on trying to bait me back in.....but it's too late. Thank you so much for this video.

I waited til i was sixty to say enough. I wasted a lot of time. Please love yourselves all you scapegoats out there. Build your own life and family and be content with that ❤

From scapegoat to GOAT! So proud of this woman and all my fellow scapegoats.

Family scapegoat here. Thank you for this.

Yes, it is a terrible position to be in. Poisons an innocent life. And nobody sees it or believes it, as everyone of the family seems so nice and loving to the outside. Thank you for your brave story and support!

The softness of her voice and her reserved body language and cadence is so loud to me. As somebody who also has had to hold back, I see myself in her.

Jesus Christ is the ultimate scapegoat template. "No one in the family is going to come to the scapegoat's aid because they do not want that position." We know what's going on is generational and it has been stopped in its tracks. Thank You dear Sister 💓🌹

Thank you for sharing your story, Diane Collins. This information about the scapegoats in a severely dysfunctional family system is invaluable. It's a painful legacy. I'm the scapegoat daughter of a covert narcissistic mother. She has done so much damage in my life. I've finally gone no contact at age 64. 🕊

🎯🎯🎯 My mother was a narcissist. My sister is a sociopath. My niece is the flying monkey! My father and I were the scapegoats. Always! What I also learned at the very end of my parent’s lives was that my grandfather on my mother’s side was infinitely more horrific. Generational for sure! Many thanks to you, Diane Collins, and blessings for all those who suffer. ☮️

No contact with my narcissistic parents for a year now. I am slowly starting to heal. 47 years of being their scapegoat before I realized. Ty for sharing your story it gives me strength.

She just told my story.

Thank you so much, Diane, for standing there, a living embodiment of one who has been scapegoated, showing your wounds, and your brilliance. It was so valuable. Let's all remember: we are not what people say about us.

I was the Scapegoat because I was independent. I challenged my alcoholic father and it enraged him. I also happened to look just like my enabling, codependent mother. My siblings, including my Golden Child older sister, both look just like our father and were compliant. So, as the youngest daughter, I was piled on by the 4 people in my family. I was the rotten egg. I was the defective one.

I’m a scapegoat, thank you for speaking out so clearly. My Psychopathic Narcissistic mother just died too. They didn’t even write an obituary for her. I’m fixing that. It’s not the eulogy she was expecting. I am writing a clear, honest alert to other family members. And I’m clearing my name in the process.

You're describing of most of my very splintered family here. Generations of it blended with alcohol addiction and hatred. It takes a very strong person to stand against it.

YES! My mom hated when my sister and I got along-she loved stirring the pot and getting us mad at each other.

This makes me cry and shake uncontrollably, because I’m the goat that’s constantly being sent off to the mountain to carry their sins. 😞😭 Hugs to this lady because I relate to everything she is saying. If your family could wish you dead they would, thats how devastating being a scapegoat is, your life means nothing, if they don’t get what they want.

Thank you. You are brave to speak. When dad died, I was the scapegoat. Now I am homeless at 71 by my families choice.

You spoke for me -- I was the scapegoat in my family -- and it was like you were there with me. You have done great in breaking this dangerous cycle. It has helped me!

Your talk describes my family. I’m 67 years old and seeing family and myself clearly for the first time. I’ve backed away to save myself.

I would love to put on a pot of tea and sit and talk with her. What a beautiful soul.

This is the bravest Ted talk that I've ever seen. I have also been the scapegoat in my family. And everything this lovely woman describes is 100% accurate. Educate yourself about narcissistic personality disorder, and narcissistic tendencies. Thank you so much for your words. And congratulations on developing into the warm, wonderful human being that you have become. As you well know, most people don't get there.

Yes, this is very helpful. We scapegoats need to unite to uplift each other!

I can so relate to her watching other people’s family dynamics on American Idol. Things like these always make my heart sink and I ask myself what life could have been with a loving family 😢

I was a goat but I turned into a tiger 😎

I’ve read so many of your comments and I feel like we are family. Wishing all my scapegoat brothers and sisters happiness and the feeling of freedom.

I just realized something after listening to this. I was the family scapegoat growing up. I'm also a Capricorn, the goat. Stubborn and hardworking.

My mother tried, but her mother broke her before I was born to her at 17. Being a scapegoat made me fierce. No lie (no matter how sugarcoated or twisted) will ever change truth. This woman is so beautifully tender. Bless her for standing up and telling the truth.

Thank The Almighty for bringing us back, alive, we'll, and loving from the deserts.

I was the escape goat .. that ESCAPED! unlike most, i was PROUD of it because it meant i wasn't THEM. I didn't/wouldn't conform to them to the family's dynamics of abuse of denial of it all. I ESCAPED from it all at 14 and left them it all behind me Was ALWAYS PROUD never ashamed for doing saying what's right as a whole and not just what was right for me. I even reported them to poilice as soon as was old enough, got convictions they were sent to jail, SMASHING the entire family's abusive cycle to pieces EXTREMELY PROUD OF THAT hated even more by the family now ! Doesn't bother me and never has, in fact, it would bother me more if i 'fitted' into the family & if I was acceptable to the family Because then I would be the same as them!

The scariest part is some of this families portray the perfect family image, even members of the family not aware of the dynamics. I was adopted by one of this families at 11. I came from a family of alcoholics and my mother was openly violent, cunning and ice heart person. She crushed my soul as a kid. I took me 15 years or so to discover the family that adopted me where kids in adults bodies. No surprise no one of them knew anything about me.. never asked me or invited me to speak about my childhood. For them I was like a puppet, a person that behaved very well, a talented kid that would stimulate them.. but no one of them knew ANYTHING about my emotions, emotional needs, sadness… I just had to fit into their nonsense dynamic. Nobody talks about feelings, nobody is honest, just playing the perfect happy ( actually passive aggressive no boundaries ) people. I’m glad I left at 18. I felt guilty for many years.. no more. I just feel sorry for them but I’m ok, I’m on my own.

I am my families scapegoat. I’m in my 60’s now and just saw a therapist ( 2 times now). It hurts, what is said about me is not true and the loneliness without family is isolating. It’s very hard.

Not all narcissists have trauma. I don't know why it's so hard for people to accept that some people have a serious defect of character and it's innate. I recommend watching and listening to Dr George Simon about this topic.

Bless you sister. We sense your sincerity bc we too have endured this horrible abuse. Something most outside folk don't seem to understand about this wickedness is this: think about it- what type of "mother" actively tries to get people (anyone who will listen) to hate her own child, her own flesh and blood?? Just sayin'. Thank you so much for shedding light on this highly misunderstood topic.

Dear heart, I never knew I was the scapegoat, isolated and demonised. Now I am 72 with none of the family to repress me, I am jubilant in the knowledge that I am a beloved mother of children who love and respect me. I still cannot fathom the depth of confusion that harnessed me as a scapegoat, but I know it to be true.

I’m the family scapegoat. I escaped overseas. It got much worse when my mother died, my sister and ex husband colluded to get my children to cut me off.

I’m listening to her story and my heart is pounding. My narc father convinced my mother that I stole her jewelry when she was in the last few months of her life and sick with cancer. She asked me if I had taken them and I was shocked! I said no and she seemed fine and said maybe she misplaced it. A few days later she seemed mad at me. I kept asking what’s wrong but she would say nothing. Apparently he convinced her that I was lying. It hurt me to my core, like she doesn’t even know me even though we had always been close. Our relationship was never the same. She died without it ever feeling resolved. My family did not allow me to have any input into her memorial service and pretty much ignored me. That was several years ago but this video made it feel like it just happened. It still hurts.

Bless you sweetheart, I was the same in my family. It’s soul crushing, but you can heal from these awful family dynamics and create the life you deserve. Hope you have a better life now.

Thank you. That was very helpful. Family dysfunction rolls down from generation to generation, like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its' path until one person in one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children that follow. I hope you know YOU are that person.

Wow. Very powerful. I too am a scapegoat and I can relate to everything you are saying. How brave of you to come forward and share your truth! You are someone special.

The speaker traces the dynamic back to her homeland of Jamaica. The scapegoat mentality is truly a core generational curse that pervades the complicated experience of caribbean peoples. It severely damages young minds contributing to, along with other factors, one of the highest murder rates in the world.

I wish I could meet you. Your courage and story moved me deeply. I am a scapegoat and am 67 and still in deep pain for what my narc mother and sibs plus extended family continues to do to me. I wonder at times what Gods plan is for us scapegoats. I have to believe it is something special because of the unfair suffering we have endured.

Very happy she stepped out to share this valuable understanding of the trauma associated with being the scapegoat. I was this person. Hard and confusing life. Grateful, to God who brought me out of this dark place of worthlessness. Great yalk.

My aunts were always fighting. One of them was specially sick. My mom was the healthy one and the scapegoat. I envied healthy families ever since I remember, and probably to the grave.

I can't believe this only has this many views, thanks for speaking out the truth so many of us live

Exception talk. So genuine. Straight from the heart .

Lateral violence, racism, patriarchy and family violence have a lot correlated to scapegoat behaviour patterns… thank you… fantastic video… has reached a new person ✨⚡️🌦️

I am a scapegoat being alienated and punished for finally saying enough. The tactics used to diminish me and any person who loves me has been so eye opening. The envy, loathing and desire for my demise makes everything clearer. Thank you for speaking up. You are not a thief and neither am I.

Bless you..and thank you.. I am the youngest of 8 children and my mother is a Narcissist. A large so called ‘Christian’ family and I am the scapegoated child. Once again I have been excluded for a family wedding without an explanation. It is soo hurtful but have very limited contact with any of them. My mother is 92 and though she will not be able to abuse anymore I’m dreading the fallout when she passes from my siblings. Be proud of yourself and do not dim your light for anyone ❤

I think that too when I see family that helps and puts them through college and stuff like that. I can’t imagine what that’s like.

I'm a scapegoat in my family your story is so heartbreaking.

Thank You for your courage! I was the scapegoat of my family. It's taken me till 70 to deal with the trauma. "Oh your just to sensitive". I never could understand why my sisters and I couldn't get along as adults. What a horrible burden to put on siblings. I'm getting the help I need now, and I just might make me a shirt like yours. Keep Talking you BEAUTIFUL creature of God ❤🙏❤

This was my family and me growing up. I understand now why everyone turned on me, even my own mother.

I was the scapegoat in my family ! My parents are dead but the siblings still won’t have a relationship with me. My older sister died,my brother has stage 3 kidney disease and my baby sister won’t talk to me. Everything you said is true ,it is generational.I saw my own grandmother tell my mom not to talk to other family members. The rule was ,if you’re mad at someone,everyone has to be mad at them. They all need Jesus 😇🙏🏻

'If the hand that rocks the cradle is not well, you have to say so, because it will just continue...'

Every one of us who is brave enough to light up a “stage” deserves to FEEL that love offered, and being a scapegoat and lack of worthiness is what ROBS is from feeling that true offering of love from others. Thank you all for continuing to believe: we are worthy enough to be our OWN person. And we deserve to learn how beautiful and powerful we truly are!!! So grateful I chose to live this long to see it all!!

I love how you eloquently describe the disfunction of your family which is transparently identifiable in so many families. I admire your courage to share the information that will liberate others.

I’m living breathing Truth this is. A reality. I’m thankfully Awakened

They even tried to sacrifice me. This scapegoat is ready to give their sins back, i want my blessings, they can keep their sins!!

So glad I saw this in my feed. My step dad is the narcissist. He has went out to ruin my life since I was a kid. Turned his whole side of the family against me and was bullied as a kid. My mom oblivious to it all, even though he calls her names, hides things from her to make her feel guilty for losing things. I became aware of the patterns from a young age. I am the scapegoat still to this day. It has been a very difficult life. I am so glad that God has provided His peace through Jesus. It has been my only peace in life.

Thank you for sharing your story :) Let them think what they want!! They don't define you as a person. You can be your own mum. You are creating your own loving and supportive family!! That little 8 year old living in you is proud of your bravery!!

Thank you Diane. This provided so much comfort for me.

When the hand that rocks the cradle is sick. I am 38 and I have wanted my mother to get therapy since I was 21. I noticed the heavy deep depression, resentment, unhealthy communication levels, the ignorance of trauma, the lack of self care in her presentation. How she never has anything positive to say and could stay on yhe phone for hours snd gossip. My older sibling carries a lot of her traits. I don't but it is projected that all I do is talk about people, that I am hateful, at one point had people in my family calling me a crackhead. I stayed close because i became an aunt at 23 and I understood what I was lackomg in my development so, I wanted to be a safe space for my niece and I wanted her to see how healthy relationships operate. So, a lot of past friends that had the dame level of disrespect as my mother or sibling would have towards me, I simply cut them off. Anybody that I have supported through the years in anyway and it was not reciprocated, I cut them off. I do have healthier people in my life that I do feel they are safe and supportive, but I had to take time to work on me, as well as work on the business projects that God had trusted me with. I am shown my strength daily and I am proud at how aware I was and took the necessary steps to build my own confidence toy standard and not the standards of others that paint a picture of me sd crazy, troubled, awkward, mean, standoffish, etc. As a chocolate skin covered lady, I know all to well how colorism delays opportunities, because my sibling is a lighter complexion and I witnessed first hand from family to community how that dysfunctional perception can cause financial stress, cause relationship and friendship stress, and overall I choose to keep speaking my truth and keep a healthy distance from those who treat me with the absence of integrity.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm sitting here in Madrid on vacation from California and stumbled on your presentation. I am awed by how wonderful you explain the scapegoat. I said to myself out loud, "This is such a great explanation." I have never heard it explained so incredibly clear and interesting. 🎉 Wow!

Thank you for sharing. Your story reminds me of a similarity with mine: My narcissistic mother described how the male children in her family were given different food at table while the girls were left out of having butter, sausage, eggs, etc., She certainly scapegoated her “worthlessness” on to me (she married my dad who thought my brother was worthy of UC Berkeley education etc while I was told to “marry someone rich”), but, by the grace of God I am healing and like you, I pray that my sons receive the same healing and wholeness.

Diane Collins you are a beautiful Jesus scapegoat voice. Bless you and your family. One love❤

Thank you Diana for having the courage and strenght to break the circle. You are an amazing person. I'm following in your footsteps.

Wow! You explain the problem so directly and tell your story so vividly. So many will be helped by this talk.

Your Ted Talk touches me deeply, as I was my family's scapegoat too ... Some of our details differ. For example, I was "chosen" for a different reason: It was because I didn't start talking until very late (due to parental violence that terrified me so deeply that I made the conscious decision to NEVER speak) ..., During that period, my mother, along with her extended family, consciously chose to scapegoat me, ... ... They chose ME because they thought I'd NEVER speak. (A cousin told me all of this AFTER my mom died ... This cousin said he knew ALL ABOUT IT, ALL HIS LIFE ... because the ENTIRE FAMILY had to play along with Scapegoating me ... ...In my cousin's words, they tightly colluded "because nobody wanted "It" to be them!") ... ... But I DID learn to speak, Although it was late! When I was in my 30's, my mom told me that when it happened, I came out speaking full sentences and telling her what I wanted! 😂 ... Even after that, NOBODY HELPED ME escape their Hateful Narcissism .... They just doubled-down, Gaslighting me and going "Covert" for the rest of our lives: Deadly ... ... But you and I do share many other details and the overall gist of Narcissists: Narcissists work to destroy the scapegoat's sense of self, quality of life, and their reputation. Thank you for telling your story and putting Narcissistic Scapegoating into words for us. ❤ I wish you ALL THE BEST going forward!!!

Yes! I'm the goat Greatest Of All Time and I've proved it through blood sweat and tears. Of course all things are possible through my heavenly Father God

4:15 Do you know what the irony is though “in order to escape that” (the narcissist wanting to escape criticism) they end up selecting the very person who can hurt them the most. Lol Because independence does kill. It kills all the games.

The only people this TED talk will resonate with is the CHOSEN ONES💯

Exactly what I've experienced my entire life. Might sound horrible to say, but I look forward not to never seeing them again so I can finally be free of this.

It helped me. Thank you. Let us heal so that we can guide others to healing.

I love you. Thank you for bringing awareness and making the rest of us less feel less alone ❤

Thank you for your courage to reveal this all too common abnormal family system. The trauma lives with those of us who endured this for a lifetime..until we heal, seek God and have the strength to walk away and create the life we deserve. We are amazing beings chosen to break this horrible generational curse. God has so much in store for us! Keep healing & walking in your truth! ✨

There is a movie called Dreaming Wild. It's the sweetest depiction of a functional family. Now, everything doesn't work out perfectly, but the love in the family is so real. I wish the whole world a family like that movie family, or even better.

Been the goat for years- I had to cut my family completely off because they tried to sabotage me. It hurts to know my family did this to me. I literally got thrown out a moving car.

Love this speaker! Thank you Diane Collins

Thank you so much for this. It made me cry. I've recently realised the dysfuncion in my family and how I was scapegoated. Please learn to say more about who you are because you are wonderful, I'm sorry for your experience.

I wish I didn't understand how you feel. You said exactly what I've felt for most of my life. I was the scapegoat. Blessings on you. Heartfelt dialogue heals.

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story ..your right so many suffer in silence because it’s such a taboo topic

I want to hug this woman so much. The pain is so real and so deep 🐐

Bless you ❤ great explanation of a complicated dynamic. As empaths we learn from and feel compassion for each other’s stories. Like you I decided this generational trauma was stopping with me as the scapegoat and I was determined to not let it touch my children. Scapegoats are the strong ones because we don’t rely on bringing other people down to feel good about ourselves… instead we lift ourselves up

Thank you from the bottom of my heart! ♥️ You have put that missing puzzle piece right into place, and now my family dynamic is in sharper focus. Your powerful words shone light into my experience, especially over the past year. With both parents gone, my sister became someone else toward me. She turned into my mother, herself traumatized in childhood, and took over her role of family narcissist. I became the scapegoat for my sister, as I had been for my parents growing up. But I didn’t realize until I heard you speak that “scapegoat” encapsulates how I was treated. I had to go no-contact with my sister after she assaulted me a couple of months ago. She blamed me for her outrageous behavior of pushing me down on some brick steps! By the way, I’m 64, have had great therapists to deal with family dysfunction…but will always be grateful to you for giving me a crucial word. I just wanted to run on stage to give you a hug as I listened to your story! God bless you for helping countless people by being willing to tell that story! 💕🦋

You are so right! OMG you are telling my story! Thank you for sharing! God Bless

Bravo, Diane. ❤

So humble, authentic and beautifully articulated. I see the scars of your childhood and see your enduring strength and optimism. You are a true inspiration and hold the beacon of hope for all of us who have suffered scapegoat abuse at the hands of our families. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt personal account of childhood trauma.

This is so sad in so many ways and the saddest part is that it’s tragically real! You literally have to stay away from people you naturally would want to be around. Such a horrible reality to live🥀🥀

Diane, thank you so much for your courage. 🤍