7 Games Avoidant People Play 

Whether the avoidant partner is doing these things out of their own fears and insecurity or whether they are deliberately playing you is immaterial. The out come for the person living with them is much the same and just as damaging regardless of whether it's done intentionally or unintentionally.

Love this mans accent. Sounds so gentlemanly.

Surface level only - always. I was in a relationship with someone like that. Always thought I could "change" them, with enough love and trust... I know better now.

The game is the behavior pattern: Avoidant ignores my contacts and only contacts me when she wants something from me.

This describes my relationship with an avoidant so beautifully. He put so much work into dodging commitment with me, he'd even hide (emotionally) behind his elderly mother and nephew rather than deepen our connection, when we did deepen our connection I'd be so happy then he'd run and hide and it was devastating. I began to feel seriously third rate and unwanted and eventually our relationship turned toxic. Ironically after spiltting up he's become more willing to discuss what happened between us as he's not worried about connection or commitment because we aren't going out any more! It was a very hard experience to go through and I'd run a mile from an avoidant now! 😂

Some avoid ants are really good at; using humor to steer the way away from connection. I always see that one a mile away.

Avoidant people also fall into the category of 'no bad news.' A few people that I formerly associated with behaved like this. Clear boundaries were set anytime one spoke about anything with emotional weight. That left the conversation stuck in commenting about superficialities. Nice but ultimately unsatisfying, stultifying, boring, and regimented.

I’m glad you called this out! People this days like to excuse and justify poor behavior as a “personality style” when in reality it’s just games.

Connection vs. transaction: brilliant distinction!

Yes, I think I am being played. One cannot imagine the pain.

9 months into this and I'm happy I walked out ! 😁

This is how my immediate narcissistic family works. There is no real relationship. It's just all transactions.

Thank you! It feels so disrespectful to someone who wants to connect when these casual lies are laid out, along with the ghosting and the masks, the false impressions...

It’s been my experience that often times these types operate from the fearful avoidance stance. This is really difficult as they usually create a trauma bb d and use intermittent push pull dynamics and turn everything over onto you.

Another game is: " Don't take it personal.. i just don't like to tell this part.. or i didn't respond..don't take it personal" I mean shutting doors of communication with no reasonable cause.. and telling not to consider it directed toward you.

I am diagnosed with fearful avoidant personality disorder, and all my life, I've not been able to have any genuine relationships. I've been so abused that I cannot attach to anyone, not even myself. So, to everyone in this comment section who is angry and disappointed and who wants to break up their connection with an avoidant, you are right. Get out. Because as long as we cannot feel any bond with ourselves, we will not bond with you. I've just started IFS therapy, and for the very first time, I have connected with myself. These brief moments were mindshifting. For the first time, I can imagine what it's like to live my life, to care about what is happening to me. This means I have promised myself that I will not bond with anyone until I don't care about bonding anymore. And that will be the day I can love someone for who they are.

I've thought of myself as Avoidant with some Borderline features for some time . This coping technique has been I'm sure brought about by a NPD father and a Covert Narc mother who was without doubt the single most negative influence in my life . By this definition I don't think I'm avoidant - I'm AVOIDANT . There's no game playing - I avoid you , don't want any more shitty people in my life , not taking a chance on anyone else's bad behaviour now or down the road . I have learned to 'act' normal in social situations I can't get out of attending and maybe others might think I'm more approachable that I am as I can converse about many topics . But lead you on , suck you in so I can take advantage ? No that's what I'M avoiding .

It’s so painful. Almost 3 years and I finally left after 10 months of counseling with my boyfriend. prior to that I had not been involved in a relationship for eight years. Just trying to work on myself, My hobbies, and self-employment. I went in secure and I do lean anxious preoccupied when I begin to see pattern of instability in relationships. I’m proud of myself for the first time Because I had the fearful courage to walk away. It’s been horrible. it is horrible as I write this. My stomach tight as a drum and feeling fighter flight. But staying would’ve been far worse. This is the one good thing I have done for myself as if I would do if I were guardian of a child.

It's really sad what these individuals do to their partners. It's crazy to realise that there are people with this behaviour pattern in the world to begin with. How can one identify this type of behaviour early on in a dating relationship so to walk away before one gets too attached to them?

"trying to bring normalcy to someone who can't do that"... That's it. 100%. Thank you. The clarity and understanding, and validation contained in your videos helps relieve so much.

This summarized "the love of my life" so accurately I cried, and then I got really angry inside. Probably some healing happens now as I calm back down. It's my mom too. Damn. I got the "you're so clingy" treatment as toddler. Thanks for the clarification, Bro!

I know this video is 2 years old but Dr. Carter, thank you so much for this. It is so validating. I wasted so many years of my life on an avoidant. Never understood or knew about avoidant personalities until the past few years. Suffered so much with an avoidant partner. Really effected my self esteem. Left me feeling depressed, confused, abandoned.

Argh! My ex is this way, and it's so frustrating! Constantly cancelled plans, and I was always the "problem" for calling him out on it. Barely said a word about his family or life. Only wanted to come by when it was convenient for him. He can't even do basic stuff on a friend level. Avoidants aren't bad people, but God, they're their own worst enemies!

12:25 some of the best advice I've heard yet regarding healing from the heart-shattering pain of having fully loved a dismissive avoidant person. Thank you.

I see myself in a lot of these. I feel like the world is happening to me and not with me so i keep people and social expectations far away from the ”real” person i am on the inside. Its hard to break out of a pattern of avoiding deeper connections and keeping to myself when its been going on since i can remember, but i can see the pain it couses others when im not as present as they want me to be. Its not that i dont like people, im just tired of the games we play. I love your videos, thank you 😊

I think avoidant behaviour is part of emotional unavailability and causes unbearable stress in a relationship. Anyone who recognises this happening needs to get out, these people never change except for the worse.

Yeah, no. I'm fearful avoidant. I'm attracted to dismissive avoidants. I want a relationship with equal give and take, but I'm scared to death of it at the same time.

My ex was a DA and played some of these games. However he wasn’t superficial and the connection we had was deep. But he was a very damaged individual.

This was very interesting, but the best part is the dog on the couch. :)

That was really good, Dr. Carter! I've had my 4 years with one, always ambivalent (except for when he was trying to win me over at the very beginning), 4 years of which 1 year and a half was absolute hell. I will never be caught dead with an avoidant again!

I grew up in a family such as this. I was the only one with objectivity. Weird. No one wanted to talk, have ambition or creativity. They told me “I” had emotional problems. I really do despise my family of origin, but love the family I created with my husband and children. Normal, healthy, fun.

Boy do I know ALL of these! And if we grew up in as they probably did, in narcissistic families, how do we know love??? I chose kindness and empathy and was used. He chose to take advantage and refused all recognition of what I gave. He said in court that in 40 years I did nothing. I won. He still did pay. They are above it all. Unreachable. Why our nails are full of these game players at great expense to society and victims. Dr. C do you know James Hillman Soul's Code? In the mid 90s he predicted forms of sociopathy would be our biggest social problem. You have helped me understand his use of "daemon" or inner spirit he was seeing a growing lack of the ability to introspect and be authentic I imagine. Thanks for all you give. Bless you.

Responding to a heart to heart, my ex would say 'keep it light' then suddenly put on a huge smile. Meaning, subject changed.

I worked for 11 years with people who kept saying that "next time" I came to the office, we would get together/ they would invite me to their home/ have a meal together, and it just never happened.

"You're not going to game me." Thank you. I really need to put these words in my head and my heart.

It seems like it's hopeless with an avoidant?

These avoidant people are too shallow waters for me to swim. But am I one of them when I decide to avoid them?

This really sounds familiar when dealing with certain types I have encountered.

I'm astonished at the lies told to me, in detail, by an avoidant in my life. I KNOW that he's lying, in his efforts to maintain avoidance.

If you're persistent enough and continue to chase they will eventually tire and give in. Happily married for 14 years now!

invalidation and gaslighting

Cameras and photography changed human reality. Frozen moments of time.

For the first time in my life I am understanding, recognizing red flags. Thank you for explaining with much clarification. Thank you for installing some confidence back into me……..I really appreciate your help.

I usually love the truth. But not when it hurts so much to hear it. I'm no longer with my narcissist husband but it's difficult to realize the pain I've endured for so long.

Thank you for discussing this Dr Carter! I’ve been gamed by him for far too long, I just never had confirmation in the way you so excellently described! Thank you for the validation!!!

I think worth adding is that the game playing is often unconscious as the avoidant commonly beLieves that all people are playing the same games ( strategy or hidden agendas etc) - and it is after all a protective strategy- a way to not get too close and then get hurt / abandoned A classic Avoidant conflict statement may be “ what do you REALY mean” - or “I know what game your playing here” and when there is harmony and things are going smoothly they may say “ what was that look about just then “ or accuse you of being agreeable as some sort of strategy to get something from them or to hide something from them - the sarcasm is hard - a great weapon to prevent getting closer - and sharing something close to the heart - the immediate response is “ welcome to MY world” - no chance of receiving empathy when they’ve got a way bigger better worse thing than you have

Maybe related, not sure....when me and my man started dating I called him one day. He answered. He told me he was helping a friend with carpet. He answered to tell me he can't talk and to tell me, and "apologize" in the kind of voice used by a exhausted parent to a child, he said he doesn't want me to have an expectation of a conversation. Honestly, it was mean. A text was fine: busy, call ya later. He made it a "thing" and actually hurt my feelings.

Ok, that's all the people I kicked to the curb. Does that make me avoidant, or did I finally set boundaries? Hey I'm happy!

Listening to this, I wondered if I am avoidant. I’m a loner. I like people, but do not want to become involved with anyone to the point of being tied up to a lot of obligations that would cause me to have to leave home. I love the freedom of solitude. Maybe this is a part of who I’ve always been, and maybe it was exacerbated by the fact I was married to a very controlling narcissist for thirty years. I had very little freedom then and all my interests were rebuffed and squelched to the point that after that thirty years I hardly knew who I was anymore. I have thoroughly enjoyed getting reacquainted with that self the last twenty years and have found myself withdrawing from bossy or intrusive types who would swallow my whole world. There are some people who would dominate hours of your life every day and often those are the very same ones who try to force you into becoming a clone of themselves.

I never throw sarcasm at my better half when she tells me about her day, but I am guilty of not providing any interest in it.

Dr. Carter, you just hit the nail on the head. Her name in mom. We have been semi/mostly estranged since she and my step-dad stole my SUV from the parking lot of a Nursing Home. I just had the first of 7 toes amputated, rehabbing, age 54. I yelled from my bed, down the long corrider: MOTHER, DON'T! DO! THIS!! She had grabbed my keys. She disturbed the entire facility of almost 100 beds. She is a bull in a China closet, thinks she knows best in all subjects. She was concerned about my car being broken into. I told her that I had/still have a $100/$300 Deductible for everything. Steal my car? Break all the windows? Slash my tires? Only $300. Explained it to her. She stole my truck, and took it an hour away to their property. The heater core was out. It was running on water. Could have caused the engine to lock up and seriously hurt or killed someone or several people. Left a msg on their phone, and the next morning called 911 to report it. 6-7 years ago. Called her the other day to say hi, I love her and dad, would it be ok to call once a week, hoping to start some semblance of re-starting our older relationship... She said, quote, "I can't stop you". Everything has to be about her. She can talk. It's all about her. Twice?, talked for 45 minutes each way to see my brother in a nursing home. I just zipped it, let her talk, and she did so. Talk, for 45 minutes each way, about her. I try to be a listening ear, kind, loving, caring, speaking hope and encouragement into peoples' lives and hearts, but some people just suck the life out of me/we and us. Honestly? I don't know how you do it, Dr. Carter. Would or could you consider doing a series about how to balance the teeter-totter of emotional life, given various toxic people, how to balance the mental? Yes, exercise, walking, swimming, yoga, reading self-help books and most importantly, spending time in Scripture, etc? Love your channel. Brief, concise but so full of wisdom. So glad I and we all found your channel!! Stay the course, ok? Many hugs of gratitude, kind Sir!

More and more I see people doing this, not just to me, but to others. One situation that always plays into this even in my 50's-60's "Let's go get a drink." I don't drink, but when I do agree to meet a 'friend' or someone that I know from work, they get aggravated with me when I just order water or a soda, the last time was iced tea. Never hear from them again. That visit and conversation is over and done with. This also has happened with my spouse. Neither of us drink alcohol. His family has no interest in even conversing (other than a text) at any given moment. I would really like to see if other's have this type targeted 'avoidant' situation. Life is short. Other than my true friends, I find it so shallow that alcohol seems to be the glue that is the standard for a friendly or civil conversation. There has also been many comments like "Oh, are you a recovering alcoholic?" NO...I just don't drink. Empty nest and retirement has been the spotlight of this. It's awkward and honestly brutal to just be yourself without judgment over a beverage. Hang on to your TRUE friends. I've no interest in trying to make new friends with stipulations about alcohol. Thank you Dr. C.

I hope all who watch this video and see a bit of flying monkey in themselves take these words to heart. They can be hard to hear, but they also hold hope. From a very young age, I was groomed to be a flying monkey. I'm 63 years old now, and it took me many of those 63 years to recognize the narcissistic dynamics of my family. Seeing this video simultaneously gives me a reason to celebrate (because I finally can see the truth) and a reminder to disengege from the prowling narcissists of the world as soon as I see them for who they are. I feel grateful for the freedom of self I've found in the process, but I wonder why I was lucky enough to make this discovery whereas others in my family have not.

My husband is number three! Knew him since high school. He used personal information to take advantage and tell others about me.

Yes. Know what you're dealing with

Dr. Carter, I shouldn't say that I love you because I don't know you. But, I love you more, your sarcasm cracks me up. Real Talk. If we ever needed this information before, we sure do need it now. Thank you. ❤❤

I just wanted to thank you. Your videos are always filled with immense knowledge and understanding, and I find your voice and energy so soothing to watch.

Whew, I thought for sure this was going to be about my isolating myself. I know what I am doing is not healthy, but I just don't want to go through another relationship where the best I get out of it is being a door mat.

Thanks for this video. Good stuff. Yes, avoiders are VERY moody. It made me nuts. low vibe.

I have anxious attachment and she was dismissive avoidant and she confused me so terribly with the push/pull and hot/.cold behaviors for 12 years. I ended it almost 11 months ago. Initially I felt such relief and I was doing fine for many months, throwing myself into work. Now I’m feeling the pain. I miss her so bad and I can’t stand these feelings. I’m trying to heal my anxious attachment and this is NOT helping the situation.

Knew someone who, every time i tried to express romantic tendencies, staunchly proclaimed, "I'm not into 'the game'." And refused to acknowledge that it could be important to anyone else. In the end it was like, "ok, so you want a relationship but none of the work, or the joy". Didn't realize this for what it was until much later. It's really sad, in a way. So much of life is being pushed away by these folks. I've also had friends who were my best friends for years who would say "i want to be an artist" or what not and when I'd network and connect then to someone useful, they'd never follow up. When I'd ask why, they'd disappear completely. Who ruins a years long friendship just because they couldn't say "thanks, but honestly i was just saying that, sorry". It baffles me how much avoidant people are willing to throw away (and then tell themselves it's for the better for both parties) to avoid... Taking responsibility for literally anything. Like yo, I'm not your mom, give me a chance to exceed your already low expectations lol

Found this video after a woman, who I was involved with for 9 months, proposed a 90 day break up. It was her Dad’s idea 🚩 and she ran with it. She’s since blocked me, avoided contacting me, etc after 9 months of life together, getting to know my kids, and she says, “I want to come back to this” but literally everyone in her life has avoided me, blocked me… makes no sense. It’s all games.

Thank you Dr Carter for these videos they are a blessing ! I didn’t know what I was dealing with for far…..too long !!!! 🙏

Dr Les has helped me help myself so much. I am eternally grateful. 💗

I sometimes did avoiding behavior in the past. I was overextended and didn't have any energy left but didn't want to hurt their feelings. Now I'm more honest with people and don't make vague promises.

Story of my life, thank you Dr. Carter!!

I know it could sounds rude, but if you have discovered or understand that you are an avoidant or have an avoidant attachment style and you are a good person who simple shutdowns sometimes, you can always choose to close the relationships (with partners, friends) and give them the opportunity to be free and with someone who can give them what they diserve, if you are not an egoistic person, you know that that's the best you can do. Other people searching for attention aren't anxious, they have the right to be with a person that give them the basic of a healthy relationship, and if you are aware of your behaviors, don't give the cold shoulder to your partner only cause you are like this, it's cruel, it's not right that the other person feels unlovable, confused, needy, and so on. If you are aware of yourself, and you hope that the other person should wait you in your good times only again and again, you are acting in a egoistic way. Give them the opportunity to be free. Thank you

I think sometimes I can be seen by others as avoidant, but really it's due to realizing there are things about that other person that are unhealthy for me to be around. So I gently back away. This may feel cold to the other person, but we're not compatible with everyone and it takes time for a potential friendship to develop enough to find out if you're truly compatible or not. Life is too short to have friends who aren't supportive, or we have enough in common with.

I am a bit disappointed that avoidant people are portrayed as evil people. It is a coping mechanism due to a childhood trauma. Yes, relationship with them can be very painful but not all of them are players that willingly hurt others

Transactions and functions you summed that up well.

Dr. Carter, thank you for taking the time to share your knowledge, skills and abilities with the world. It helps me to be more focused and develope my super power of being in command of myself and my emotions. And knowing I can do that is what mitigates the anxiety I experience in the toxic, hostile workplace. I have never found breathing, visualization, induced happy thinking etc to be effective for me because it doesn’t identify the real obstacle and how do I negotiate it. I like how you break it down step by step.

Dr. Les, this really is one of your best videos. Thank you.

Insightful and most helpful. Thank you.

unfortunately for my 'friend' that meets most of these, I'm intuitive, enjoy researching, and want to understand, anything everything. So picking up on info they didn't know they were giving me, researching here and there, and putting it all together, I got to know them well without them sharing a lot.

For the past few years, I noticed more and more personalities like that.

Thanks for sharing and your wise words and methods. I have met too many avoidant people in my life and their very difficult to deal with 😩

Oh you are so on the button Dr Carter. I could tick every box on this list with a person I thought I was close to who was just playing me like a violin.... Eventually me strings stopped resonating and thankfully I was able to walk away, but definitely not unscathed...

Thank you so much!

The huge dose of judgement here. Dr Carter I don't see any empathy but a lot of personal thrauma

Thanks for helping me figure out where I'm going wrong 😔

Thank you 🙏

Everything you are saying I have experienced with different people. I know now that I deserve to be appreciated for who I am. This is such a good video for those of us going through this. I am so much happier this person is gone even though we never met. I used to try to understand why they were like this. If a snake bites you, you don't need to know why, just get away, and get help.

My inuition radar was going off the chart. I called her out. She immediately switched. Never apologized.

Dr. Carter: This is so true. Why are they so afraid? I don't like being duped. They shouldn't mess with people.

Great video Dr. Cater, something like this just happened to me, I met someone back in January who VOLUNTEERED to help me with something really important that I needed. They then strung me along for several months allowing me to think that they were going to follow through, but they never did follow through, they simply disappeared from my contacts list, meaning I was blocked. I've decided that I'm now going to give people a cut off time to follow through, if they don't in that period of time then I'm moving on, they played that first game "I'm really impressed by you... not really."

If anyone come across these individuals, cut them off, block, & move on. You'll do much better without them. It's not worth go through the baggage this person has or the hassle, stress, anxiety, & emotional roller coaster on yourself. Your welcome

Thank you again Dr.Carter I'm showing my children your videos.

Sometimes I find myself after meeting a new person that I should always place a large question mark between us. I should carry a cardboard question mark when out socializing. Red is good color.

Given the fact that it's usually an anxiously attached person that gets into a relationship with an avoidantly attached person, it's only fair to say that both individuals should work on their inner wounding and the reasons why they developed these insecure attachment styles in the first place, because that's the only path towards secure attachment. It doesn't do either party any good to point fingers at eachother, but rather use that energy to self reflect, do some therapy if needed, and discover why they developed these attachment styles as adaptive strategies in childhood.

They’re not trying to “play games”…as a therapist I think you’d have more understanding for attachment issues. Some of them are self-aware & want to do the work to change.

So, what’s the difference between an avoidant and a narcissist?

“Is this damaging to me?” Much more than I realized until I started peeling back the layers of hurt by watching your videos on both of your channels and completing your courses. Your God-given wisdom has set me firmly on the healing path onTeam Healthy. Thank you for reminding me I’m not what a troubled soul told me multiple times a day how deficient I was. I’m eternally grateful to you for following your calling and helping thousands and thousands of people. 🙏🏻☮️

@ Dr. C and community… Thank you 🤔

I believe I am the avoidant type and as another person said in a video I experience EVERYTHING in life (positive or negative) with a cycle of 1) DREAD 2) PANIC 3) SHAME. It's exhausting

All of this is eerily accurate. I just ended a relationship and after looking at this attachment style and personality, my ex has ALL OF THESE traits. To add fuel to the fire, he was a stingy french guy who had terrible outlook with money resulting to relationship dynamics that had him even complaining when he spent on me ..Everything was indeed a smokescreen. He ran from every single difficult conversation we had and walked out on me EVERY time we had disagreements!!! And pin the fights all on me. It was awful and at the latter part , i just couldn't anymore. He didnt have any intention on self reflection or doing any self work. It just wasn't possible.

I appreciate you Dr. Carter!

I am very thankfull for this video, it’s the best content i found about this topic, thank you DR. ❤️

Thank you so much for your very kind , informative videos! Its really helped me put things in perspective with my relationship with my sister who hurt me so much i almost lost my life! I refuse to be played any longer! Thank you!! ❤

I've been through this. I thought I was going crazy. I thought the problem was me.

DA will make you feel like a butterfly that gets burned every time it goes near the light bulb!