My mother was a teenager when she had my brother and I. She was physically emotionally and verbally abusive. She reminded us all the time that she wished we weren’t born because she had better things to do. My brother and I grew up to try and do things to make her love us, but it never seem to work. As adults we aspired to never be like her. 🎉
@@kristinmeyer489 Even at 74 she tries stirring up gossip but we shoot it down by saying we don’t talk about each other in this family. She gets the hint pretty quickly. 😂 I think most people raised in this type environment, have a strong sense of unfairness and injustice.
my mother had me at 16 and dad was 23 (dad was in military, gone a lot) .. I grew up listening to my mother calling me Dum or dummy!! when I was 21 she tried calling me that name in front a large group of friends of mine ... I stopped her!!! right then and there!!! told her to never call me that again !!! and low and behold it worked!! she never did it again I'm really proud of myself for pushing back on her!! I am now 67 and her name calling affected my adult life ... if I had a mother who believed in me outside of what I could do for her!!! my life would not necessarily be better, but easier!! I struggled academically!! I probably have some kind of learning disability from her manipulation and name calling!!! she never even tried to do anything to make her life better, even after she and my dad divorced (she was 32 when they divorced) I honestly believe she had some kind of mental disorder!!! but in 50s/ 60s people just thought (doctors too) labeled it as her being moody and typical woman!!! she had 3 kids by the time she was 22 then another at 26 then!!!! TWINS at 29 !! Gusse who raised them???!!! me!!! I was only girl with 5 brothers!!!
That must have been very hard for you. Well done for getting through it. I hope you can give yourself time and care now. Why not go and do something nice today, that's just for you. I wish you well.❤
I wonder who I would have been if my Mother had been just a little more accepting of me as a person. I wonder who my authentic self is buried under the shame and self-doubt ? Self-knowledge must be so wonderful; and calming.
Yes. Growing up bullied followed me through adulthood. I feel haunted. Peers can be cruel. ALONG with parental figures. I'm not sure why peers from just as young isn't mentioned NEARLY as much as the parental upbringing. It's a MAJOR part of internalizing, negative self-talk, criticism, etc. SO huge. BOTH together ---- my head. The perfectionism is also used to keep from getting talked down to for not doing something "right." Just PLEASE don't exclude childhood trauma and all those things as being within peer groups growing up for as long as you can remember. Parental = YES ...... not ONLY focusing on that and leaving the other parts as well. I LOVE YOUR VIDEOS! THANK YOU! I'd LOVE to hear more about the people we're around that entire time as well. ALL these things pointed out happened in and outside of the home environment.
Just 100% includes peers growing up as well. Brought up with classmates / other peers who contributed of what followed me into adulthood. It's so intertwined.
Yeeees! As teens, most of us are assholes... not all, some more than others, but it is the "asshole" period of our lives. It's a way of attempting to separate from parents, but it manifests with all others. Everyone else is dumb, in the eyes of a teen and they have a hard time seeing themselves and others and the negative impact of their behavior. My best friend from high-school used to pick on everyone, but especially a girl... and I did nothing... I even laughed at his jokes... I was an accomplice. At one point I realized he was belittling everyone, including me... and that's why he kept me around, to feel superior. "You are not as good looking as you think you are!" or "If it wasn't for me, you realize you would have no friends! Be grateful I tolerate you!" were phrases he would repeat often. The only thing I would say is that harming another implies harming yourself... I was harmed by this person, but I also harmed my colleague, I mentioned and I've hurt myself by doing so... Parents have the responsibility to teach this to their children: "Don't harm yourself, by harming others! You'll either remain an asshole and live an empty life or feel remorse and that's going to be hard on you.". This is what a loving parent does, as-well. The bullies from school or college are not loved by their parents. You cannot control them, the only one you can manage is yourself.
"Perfection is the enemy of what's possible!" I learned that. I believe that. It took me a long time (and I'm still working on it) to fight back against the "family in the head!" This video has been seriously so great for me. Thank you so much!❤❤
My fathers favourite saying while I grew up was 'you will never amount to anything'. I over excelled at everything to prove I would amount to something, with honours even. I am now a perfectionist, have trust issues, have a child the same way when I tried to make it better for him. I am 66 and never married, can't even have a normal relationship to this day knowing all this. I know and see everything I went through, and do, yet I am still struggling. I just don't know what else to do. Doctors jusy say I'm a nut case. 😢 I guess some people just can't be helped. You have helped me to realize all this Dr Fox, so thank you for all your videos. You have been the friendliest most helpful person for me through this mess. 😊
You apologize to your kid ? Some of it could be temperament and your kid has a similar temperament and maybe made worse by the perfectionist stuff. Sorry you went through this though you can make a big difference for your kid apologizing to them and giving insight to them
Thank you Dr. Fox. Just got diagnosed with BPD earlier this year, and a LOT of what I've learned about my disorder I've learned from you. This video is ABSOLUTELY relevant to me. I was criticized a lot as a kid and emotionally neglected....and now Im here. F***ed up. Trying to fix my broken brain. Thank you, Dr. Fox for everything you have taught me!
I got critize by both of my parents growing up. Still get critize by them today as adult and parent myself. Both of my parents are Narcissists. I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I been a Christian for over 11 years. I know my worth, and values. I got my self esteem up, and my confidence. Jesus changed my life for the better. Jesus is True Love. No one will ever Love you more then Jesus.
I totally relate to everything in this video! I suffered from severe depressjon and anxiety for years. I am on medication but have healed alot and learned alot over the years and know my heavenly Father accepts me as I am!
I don't actually have anyone to ask for help with certain things from so no choice but to rely on myself for most things. No choice but to be a lone wolf. And "help" can be patronisingly given which is better off in such case to deal whatever it is oneself.
Compliments unnerve me because I was punished following compliments from others so I would hate the payer of compliments for provoking drama. I hear her every time I screw something up. She had so many mean sayings on repeat. Now I just do it for her. I had to be perfect but I was born with challenges that meant I could never achieve the perfection. It was years of absorbing projection.
Hey doc its incredible to have you i wanna share my struggle i brought up in very strict environment never allowed to play when i was kid we had to obey everything not single thing i did how i wanted and also saw abuse mu father used to abuse my mother daily over trivial matters my mother never raised her voice we all are under his control but when i saw neighbors children which were of my age around five years and they were allowed to play they were happy i would silently compare myself with them and i made conviction at that tender age without knowing the consequences of my beliefs i convinced myself that no good things happen to me because probably i dont deserve all this sèing my parents fight i thought that why we dont have normal life why they dint love each other why they dont love us ànd now i am middle age women still these things haunts me and youdont believe i still think that good things will never happens to me thiugh i know everything but the wound i am carrying subconsciously making my life hell i dont know still and good things never happened though tried wverything always setback, heart break , failures, feeling enertia not moving inch to take action thinking good things are not for me please guide me how to overcome from this you are the first person i am sharing could you help me ...giving any suggestions i know i should overcome now but dont know how
Wow, this guy is good!! I just saw it on my feed today and I really needed to see this. I am 56 years old and I’m still trying to get over the stuff that happened to me when I was a child. Thank you for all you do. 😉
The overly self-reliance for me personally is that if I'm not, someone else will run my life for me. That's scary and has happened my whole life. I guess this fits in with the "Push-Pull" behaviors? Input? I'm not sure if I'm understanding that correctly. It's strange and eerie not knowing the answer! I have tears at the end of this. Thank you for your words of empowerment.
Thank you ❤ I try hard to keep my self-talk more balanced. I have gotten better at preventing and recognizing my splitting. But I continue to struggle with the harsh standards I have set for myself. I have a fear of letting it go. Growing up with a mom, I now think is narcissistic, caused me to fear becoming her. So I drew these big lines around self confidence and told myself that I am not allowed it or I risk being her. These lines helped me for a time, but now, they have me trapped in a circle of not knowing what is acceptable. It's exhausting, but I don't want to give up.
Was actually talking about this in therapy yesterday. It feels so hard to need intense connections (in happy or sad times) and be unable to form lasting ones. Also, being incredibly smart and talented leads to disappointment as so much of the time I'm too dysregulated to function. It feels like I'm surrounded by people who live on another plane of existence, and the wall of negativity is so hard to climb over. It's isolating.
it’s so hard to understand and accept that connecting with people and having friends is supposed to be a good thing in my life… i don’t have many memories or people being a good thing in my life, even tho i know examples are there. growing up in this kind of toxic environment really messes with you memory…
Hmmm… sounds like every single authority figure in my life across my entire lifespan. Everything good is expected, everything bad is a catastrophic tragedy. Siblings, Teachers, Bosses, Boyfriends, Husband (Chase Dabney), Besties (Melyssa and Nancy), other Senior Personnel at my job, Professors, Instructors…. I’m so ready to get out of this flesh prison.
I’m sorry you had those experiences in childhood. I’m proud of you for getting help! I also know someone who suffers from ASPD, but unfortunately they won’t seek support. It’s hard when you have to create distance because of the nature of the disorder. I hope that one day they may be willing to learn how to manage their symptoms and better their life.
I am concerned about my wife's criticism of our children. I struggle with getting her to understand the negative impact its having. She is defensive of her position and doesn't listen to my input. I want the best for our daughters and don't know how to help them not internalize their mother's criticism.
I am currently dealing with child arrangements through the courts, and I am extremely worried for my daughter whilst in the mothers care due to consistent negative allegations which I have to always prove false, and interrogation tactics conducted by the mother on my 6 year old daughter
I completely understand becareful with the court system. I went through it myself. Make sure you got a great Lawyer. I went through it with my x husband with my children for false assassinations he had against me.
Excellent video ... deff got the gears moving . Even my parter got interested in the self reliant one ... I also like to point out I dint think it's jusy parents ... I think it's most family person in your life like sisters,brothers ect me and my sisters had really extreme fighting ... amd allways before physical violence broke out between us .... mean words that were of criticism do to criticism ect .... that was alot of my child hood ...... and other parental type peole like friends parents teachers ect ..... like even if your in the wrong allways hearing how bad of a perosn you are leaves you in this boat .... getting locked up as a child will do it also .... very good video.... I'd love to hear your view opinion or knowlage of extended lock up (residential/correctional) effects on the personality or development or continuation of personality traits ....
Thank you so much! 🙏 ..some examples made me lol with recognition, and it feels really good to know I'm neither alone nor doomed. Vielen herzlichen Dank ❤
YES with the perfectionism. It's that "all or nothing" thinking instead of "all or SOMETHING" thinking. I LOVE using that wording with myself and others.
Having been in a relationship with someone with BPD for 71/2yrs I found the part regarding parental criticism and negative self thoughts ..(most of video i realize) but as a partner with someone with bpd how do you safely point out the behaviours without sounding like criticism? This is a big key imo
