My sister told a therapist that the way I speak of our Mother was true but I never showed the anger that I had a right to feel. I am working on recovering from her abuse. I can change but she will never be a better person
Yes. I’m suicidal right now due to mine. I’m 42 and my whole adult life has been dark with depression, I’d say 98% caused by my mum who does love me but seems to want me to be depressed out my mind. I won’t ever understand that
My brother and I have had this conversation many times with each other. She manipulate one of us into telling her about our lives then use it against us. Now that we've entered our 30s, it's finally starting to hit us that no matter what we have to keep it on a superficial level with her.
@@TheKingnaShow I've just realised I've been the class clown my whole life - I thought I just wanted to make people laugh and feel good, and be liked - I didn't realise I was trying to appease the kids so they wouldn't attack me!
I find a big trait is pitting siblings against each others is a huge trait, always putting herself as the between person to control the narrative. And having a scapegoat daughter to do all the work
My older sister and I haven’t talked in over 3 years because of my mom. My other sister and I already know how my mom is, so we ignore her when she wants to triangulate
Exactly. I have become so articulate over the years because of how much I have tried to explain what she should be self reflecting on, the outcome and what caused it. At least I gained a skill but it was NOT worth the effort.
My mom always made sure to guilt trip me by telling me that i was "being a disrespectful kid" by sticking up for myself when she would try to control me.
My mom would go on and on about my cousins. This cousin is getting married or going to college or has a good job to the point of bragging about them. My response is that's nice for them but I'm my own person and her response was always, "You're just jealous". Which made no sense whatsoever.
Yes! Disrespectful, ungreatful, spoiled, etc... I still kind of believe it at 27 years old. I HAVE TO cut contact with her she is ONLY damaging me STILL .
They can't stand it when you say "well, that's your opinion, it's not mine". They can also criticize you left and right but if you dare criticize them, they go ballistic.
This! The double standard is insane.. "don't you dare disrespect me by doing X, y, z. But how dare you call me out for doing X, y, z" One thing I've always wondered is, why all the cussing and name calling? I mean on some level I know it's emotion immaturity, and defiveness and all that.. But I struggle with my emotions to the point where the manifest physically in things like throwing up, or back pain, or tension around throat area.. what I'm getting at, is I'm in no way emotionally mature whatsoever, I cry at the silliest of things, I'm also very conflict avoidant. but I still would rather have a calm rational conversation than be yelling and screaming profanities. I just don't get it
I am balling my eyes out because I knew my mother was a narcissist (and so did my brothers) but I didn’t realize as her only daughter, how hopeless it would be to ever get through to her. I am also crying for how many years I wasted dedicating myself to trying to make her happy which was and still is impossible.
Girl I feel you!!! I exhausted myself trying so hard and it was hopeless. Even achieving something she just said bullshit like "you better keep it up" at least your brothers see too tho!! I have two brothers that are in denial and tell me I'm harsh and be nice to her.... whatever. They still do what she wants because they're still trying to win her affection. I moved on even though it hurts like hell!!
CAI I’m with you. I’m listening to this and realizing how my mom has emotionally sabotaged me my whole life. But for bit I’ve been learning this has happened and recognizing the symptoms of my PTSD. If you want to talk email me. josborn4192@mysvc.skagit.edu
At age 26, I spent the last year of my mother's life calling her every single day to try to build a relationship with her after a decade of constant strife between us. Shortly before she died, the last thing she ever said to me was, "You are a despicable excuse of a human being and I don't know how you look in a mirror and actually like yourself." Lovely, huh? Be good to yourself. You did your best, which is all you can do. Now protect yourself. Warm hugs, my sister.
You are not alone - there are BILLIONS of Daughters (felt) on earth - like WE (YOU and I) wich are damaged in all areas of life. I write this to comfort you !!!
ive been there so many times. i understand it so well. im so sorry to see hundreds of thousands of people in the same boat. you are heard and we all love and support you. your feelings, values, and beliefs matter so much and you are so valid
@@kiankon Thank you - I hope you have found a coping mechanism for that - because people who take this much effort to comfort other people have very high intrinsic value. Stay whole !!!
for real, my narcissistic mother died in April, for a year up to that I lived in her house and tried to be there for her (I struggle to say I was her carer as I'm not sure that was in my heart, it was more fulfilment of duty than caring, sadly). I tried to be real, but we never worked a thing out, the best I got was telling her on her death bed that I forgive her (which I really do to a certain extent) and in return she told me "I admire you". As if it had all been a big game and I had proven myself an entertaining adversary. If you can accept in your heart these people are very very sick and you can find a way to co-exist with them then you are incredible and god bless your strength and patience, personally I say run.
This video has hit me with a huge dose of reality I need and wasn't going to tell myself. I am locked in on this challenge as I feel it will truly help me navigate through either making it better for our relationship or if necessary better for soley myself.
Yes. Every conversation turns towards HER. We live across the country and the small amount of time we set aside to FaceTime isn’t ever about her 2 small GRANDCHILDREN but all about her
coming from experience she was the contributor to my 2 week psychotic episode, heart issues, and many of my mental illnesses. im 19 doing everything i can to move. narcissistic mothers can make your mental and physical health so much worse because stress can kill you
Whenever I confront my mom about how I feel she just straight up says nothing. Still to this day, can’t get her to have a TRUTHFUL conversation about what she’s done.
It's possible you may never get that. But you can try writing a letter to her that you never send. And if you need a response, write your own response as if you are here. Give yourself the parent that you need and satisfying that part of you longing for that by giving yourself kindness and attention. I'm sending you strength and light.
Same. I wasted years trying to get my mom to admit what’s she done. They can’t mentally go there. They are not capable. Again they invalidate you and make out like you are lying or your reality is incorrect. They will never get it and if they ever ‘cop’ to anything it’s only for the fear of losing you. I gave an engulfing narc mom.
I always so envy to see my friends who can have a heart to heart conversation, share secrets, and talk about their crush with their mother. If i'm not being blamed she would accused me of doing something, and would just ignored me and pointed out how unnecessary it was
It wasn't until I became a mother myself that I started to realize that my own mother was, in fact, a narcissist. the things she's done (and continues to do) to me, I would never have the heart to do to my own children. it breaks my heart thinking about it. I feel so much anger towards her.
I understand your pain ..I could never do things what she did to me to my kids never ever ..I also realized when I felt that love inside me for my own kids that feeling is different..I am crying while writing this ..Luv and hugs
I read your comment about your narcissistic mother. I want to say your anger is not only justified, but in my opinion, it is a healthy reaction to mistreatment. I will carry anger till the day I die, but only at my mother. Best wishes.
I realized it also as an adult also, I didn't have a voice at all. I ended up with a narcissist husband that she rooted for. I am learning to forgive and take care of myself and my emotions. Working on getting away from all of them. To God be the glory.
One of the weirdest things my mother does is simultaneously tell me that I am not as beautiful as I think I am, and that all I’m good for is my beauty. And the fact that whenever I wear something that looks beautiful on me and get compliments from anyone for it, she’ll ask me where I bought it because she also wants to buy it for herself. And that’s literally not even the worst thing she’s done to me.
I completely understand the feeling of anger. It's understandable because anger is a protective mechanism. But I think part of our healing is being able to forgive and keep a distance from them. Forgiveness is for our hearts. So we can move forward and embody the loving beings we truly are. They don't even deserve our anger. I'm def working on all of this, myself. Sending you all so much love! We are in this together!
She saw the good in you and wanted to squash it... You are a Survivor because you are stronger than your siblings. If they had gone through the same kind of abuse would they have survived?? Or would they have been devastated?
I am in the same boat as you... Her sons are the golden kids while her daughters got neglect physical and emotional. Since I am the oldest girl I got it much worse. She talks about how tough I am that I should of lost my faith in God a long time ago. Nice! Hugs to all you survivors!😚🤗
Good for you!!! Yeah, why would you miss her if she primarily caused you pain?? Now your life can be your own. Thanks for sharing and being here with us xo
I have not spoken to my mother in over 2 years or had any contact with her after the way she upset my youngest son who has autism by telling him he is naughty, she constantly belittled me and criticised me all my life and kept on embarrassing me in front of other people by telling them I was shy and wouldn't speak to people so that affected my confidence a great deal. When it came to my Countdown finals recording she made a point of wanting to be invited and be my guest in the green room instead of my husband who supported me throughout my run of 8 games, but I made it clear didn't want her there because she would be taking all the credit and the focus off me and embarrassing me in my front of the fellow contestants, even though I have made things right with her in the past, but it is clear that she will never change, nobody in the family won't speak to her because of the way she is and her attitude in general, my older brother won't have anything more to do her because of the way she treated him, I know he bullied me and my mother did nothing to stop it, but I forgave him and moved on with my life. But looking back she has lost her Grandchildren who won't have anything more to do with her because of things she has said, I have my husband children my cat and good friends that make me happy, I feel better now that I have moved on from my toxic manipulative controlling and narcissistic mother and her poisonous lies.
That's what I call a brave lady, I wish my daughters will do that to their mother someday, she is one of a kind NARSISISTIC with so much anger, hate and revenge, she has destroyed my daughters so badly they were hospitalized 5 times
My mom acts like a whole different person in front of her friends and pretends she’s all peace love and light. I wish everyone really knew the type of person she is behind closed doors. I cannot be around her when she’s around her friends she’s so fake. And anything bad that has happened to me or anyone she knows she creates this whole sob story and whoah is me and makes the whole disaster about her.. she makes my stomach sick. She also triangulates around my brother and sister and gets everyone mad at each other and picking sides. God forbid she does anything for you we’ll never hear the end of it.. she’ll hold it against you. She’ll purposely say condescending things she knows hurts you in front of other people because she knows she’ll get a reaction and then she can say we’re the bad ones. She’ll ask for one little thing for help and turn it into a whole ass goose chase just so people have to go the extra mile…. Anyway… I decided to go no contact and it is a freeing feeling knowing I have that power and she cannot control me anymore.. I wish this freedom upon my fellow survivors.. we can break free..
I feel ya. Stay true to yourself and take care of yourself in the ways that you need. That's important. I am sending you strength and protection, Ashley.
My mom does the same! She pretends and makes up lies and brags about herself. It drives me crazy!! The other day she told my sister in law that she found a real diamond watch at the thrift store, and she had taken it to a jeweler for repair....ALL lies. And it's not dementia, she knows exactly what shes doing.
Yh it's hard to pick my jaw up off the floor, watching her with friends. Sometimes I get comments from people like, 'your really lucky to have your mum' -_-
Growing up with a narcissist parent, is one of the most painful things anyone can endure. I'm sure we all have horror stories of what we have endured but the shame, never lets us tell our story.
I start to open up around me about my mother. I can't tell all the stories anyway because I could write a book of 500 pages (written in small letters) but a few things. But there is ONE thing that I keep secret and that nobody knows. Not even her, nor my father, nor my sister. Nobody. Because of shame. I know it will come out some day. I will need to let it go. But not now. I'm not ready. I think of it every time I write a comment on youtube, anonimously, but I can't let it out.
So correct The most traumatic demeaning experience a female child can go through . You grow into an adult and the abuse goes on as if targeted to reduce you to nothing . Shame covers your face . Should you susceed in life despite everything she has done , you have a professional life and marry a man of value and wealthy like I did a real war erupts with her She is full of a terrible envy and atimes the un believeable happens . Till date too ashame to tell anyone !!! You need prayers and the Grace of GOD to remain sane !!
People will act like, "you don't talk to your mother?" like I am some kind of villain. Then I mention how bad she also was to the DOG and they are THEN HORRIFIED.
OMG linda!! I KNOW that is the truth. People have no clue if they haven't experienced a narc mother. Grateful you survived to have your own kids and grand babes. Real love is really healing
I am in the same situation. My mother would adopt puppies compulsively then abandon these now grown dogs in parks. That woman tried to stab me twice, so that usually shuts people up. CPS only made matters worst, she beat me more. I finally fought back physically and she stopped. She saw the rage and knew I was still growing at 14. I beat her up good!
They always gaslight. And they never take responsibility for how they hurt you. I told my mother her comments about my weight, stomach, apparent weight gain are rude and they shouldn’t be said unless I ask for them. And then she proceeds to get offended and say I’m the one in the wrong. I just cannot it’s so exhausting..this isn’t even half of it
Yeah my parents do the same about my weight and I am healthy weight. My UK size fluctuates between 8 and 12. When I am size 8 I am anorexic and need to be hospitalized for not eating (that's what she says). Size 10 - fat pig and "How much do you weight now?" and "You should lose weight". Size 12 - omg, no man is going to marry you, try not eating for a week, just drink water, go for a run right now, shops don't sell any clothes for fat women like you. You are single because you are fat!" I mean, what size should I be then? If UK 8 is too small and UK 10 is too big??
They never, ever take responsibility. Because to do so would be to acknowledge to themselves that they're not perfect, and oh no, we can't have that. But what ends up happening to them over time is, they deteriorate. It's like they de-create themselves. Because if you never self-reflect, never own your part in anything, you don't really grow and you don't really learn. My mother is in her 70s and she's like a shell of a person, forever sealed in her bubble of delusional perfection. She doesn't "get it". And now that I'm an adult, when I have conversations with her I can finally see how empty she really is. She doesn't operate in reality. And that has its consequences, trust me.
My mother is both. The pain she has caused me is indescribable. I feel like I am shattered in a million pieces. I keep attracting narcissists in to my life and suffer from CPTSD. I honestly think having a narcissistic mother is the most painful experience a human can have 😥
@anna sister, you have articulated my deep pain so well. I too have a similar experience. The men I attract are not only narcissistic but treat me just as bad as my mother did. I’m deeply wounded and don’t know if I will ever heal. The emotional and mental wounds have shattered my heart and soul in a million pieces.
@Terri Cole this experience actually made my more aware to be compassionate and empathetic as I grow as a person. But I have a very small group of people I trust not to hurt me. Unfortunately I had to let go of my mother. I forgive her because she can't recognize the pain she inflicted on her children but I can't do the drama trauma anymore.
@@terri_cole I'm stuck in a toxic divorce with a narcissistic mother, and because of the system, they want to put me with my mom bc they want to put girls with girls and guys with guys.
That was what I was looking for - not sure if this applies to my Mom. I spent decades white knighting mine, dealing with exaggerations and watching her melt down over the slightest perceived critique, real or imagined. If I came to her with an issue, it was always met with an even worse version of the scenario she had. Even about the weather! If I said we had a snowstorm and got 6" of snow... she had a foot! 😏
Right, my mom would constantly complain to me about her mom and all the things she does wrong to her and the whole time I’m thinking 🤔 hey! You do the exact same things to me! I am so fearful I will do the same to my daughter. I think I am breaking the cycle but sometimes kids can really push ya damn buttons! I listen to my daughter and have sympathy and empathy for/towards her. Those are things my mother never seemed to have for me.
I wish you had been my Mom. I'm always jealous of people who have nice Moms. I would have done anything for home cooked dinners and affection in my childhood. Thank you for making this video. I cried so many times during this video. The validation hurts but is very helpful. Thank you.
My mother died at 100. I found out when cleaning out her house that she prevented me from switching to advanced classes in third and sixth grades. Sounds small, but as the family scapegoat it would have helped me belong somewhere. We were poor, and she was not an academic success. She hated me until she needed me - in her old age. My goal is not to diminish myself any further; to reject the shame she placed on me.
Me too. I feel like I'm a better "mom" to my unborn children by not having them, then taking even THE SLIGHTEST little chance I would have turned out to be even a bit like my (ignoring narcistic) mother. It's hard though, feeling so much love and not having any children to give it to. But I'm 55 now, so... Too late anyhow.
The “I gave birth to you”, is the number one reminder that will always be held over my head ! Having an adult woman be in competition with you as a kid and then you have to deal with peers doing that as well ! Makes me want to cry !
I used to get this line one day I told her did I ask you to do it no right it was your choice and your husband's to have me giving birth to me. And It is the only great thing you have done in your entire life. I told her politely. And competition omg it's like she cannot do things but even if I am good at them she wants to stop me and portray to the family that I do nothing.
I avoid competition like the plague. I've always made it clear with my coworkers that they never have to worry about me applying for a promotion that they want because I never apply for promotions. I feel lucky to have a job at all. I just want to keep the same position that I got when I applied for it.
That's a good one. Mine is a monster, an alien. Twisted from the inside out & seeking to destroy & consume her kids. A malfunctioning machine on fire. I don't remember loving her & her life worsens by the day, an opaque tragedy.
The hardest thing of having a narcissistic mother is when you finally have a daughter of your own, you find it hard to discipline your own child because it makes you feel like your being abusive towards your own child.
To all the ladies hurting, grieving, healing...I am with you. We don't get to choose the mother we deserve in our lives. We get what we get, and we make do. We grew up quickly, learned the hard way, and only understood tough love. We never truly got the love we deserve. But as we get older, we understand, we heal and grow, and hopefully become better people than our mothers. I will always have love for my mother, but I have more love for myself and my health and mind. For those that are still fighting, stay strong ❤
Thank you, I am with with you too. Living a life based on Love, Kindness and Compassion has become so important in my life. Could this be because i have a mother who is narcissistic so those qualities are very much on the bottom of her priority list (her favourite word is 'hate')? I feel like I am addressing an imbalance in our relationship..
My mother's favourite saying, "but what would the neighbors think?" She never thought about what my brother and I thought. We were there to show the world how perfect she was. Luckily I learned to do what I felt I needed to (be great in school), and not listen to her "but boys don't like girls who are too smart." I told her that then they were not worthy of my attention!
Exactly. I confronted my narc mother about everything, and what did she do?? Not only did she deny every single thing that I said happened, she went the extreme opposite by saying that I made everything up. That I was lying. Every single detail, she said I made it up because I am jealous of her. That was the saddest day of my life, yet also the best day The moment of clarity. I realized she was hopeless and I left. Never looked back. That was a year ago
I tried to confront my mother too...never worked...and now am getting the same treatment from my kid's...on there was no boundaries even now that she is dead...my girls won't even except my boundaries...I have been blamed and shamed all my life...nobody ever validates my feelings or pain they caused...I suffer with PTSD because of the abuse from her that seemed to follow me into my adult life...
@@deannahudson6873 I am so sorry to hear all this. Please, please keep reaching out to those who will understand - your fellow victims of narcissistic parents. Reach out, reach out, reach out.
I know it's hard.I have done the same thing.This expericence is cruel!But you know what? You got one life ! GO LIVE THE WAY YOU WANT IT !BE BRAVE,beautiful loving women and good! I blame them for the fact that it's not normal to hate your daughter because she is a female ! I don't care if she will realize or not ! Because in the end they will receive the same behaviour as they give! This type of people will end up single ( they afraid of not being in the center of attention).I can't find them excuses.It's not normal to be this stupid all your life.The explanation is simple:they hate womens.:)
thank you for saying so. I don't need to hear any more about identifying the problem, I need to find terra firma to walk through it. Psilocybin has helped me in ways I cannot express.
I have been doing the same to help myself feeling okay and still she laughs at me and uses all meditation at me when I get angry telling me "where all positive good energy of yours in that meditation?" when literally she is the one making problems all the time
I am crying so hard. I am almost 58 and I feel like I wasted half my life dealing with this. I am thankful to a friend I have never met sent me to these sights. Thank you for starting my healing
Whenever I feel upset and angry, I wrote all my feelings in a journal. When I go back to it after calming down.. I can hardly look at what I wrote... it's scary to actually see how much hatred I've got inside
I think anger can be a healthy emotion, especially if you're channeling it into journaling and not through other means! It sounds like you're on the right path toward healing, Lena ❤️
I have done this method for years, due to the fact I had no one to talk to about what I was going through. I believe writing is a great therapy especially if y have no one that can relate or understand what to do. My journals have helped me deal with so much emotional tramua in all aspects of my life. Thank y, f sharing
I feel that so much. It's hard to reread my stuff, but it's very cathartic and imperative for me to do this. So. Much. Righteous. Anger. I love the feeling of it spilling out onto the page.
The greater the abuse the greater the anger. I pray we can release it by acknowledging it and writing about it and *grieving* the emotional (and other, when it happened to some) abuse.
Honestly it took me till age 40 to realize that my mother was a narcissist, it actually came last week as a glaringly bright epiphany. It explains my depression and chronic illness.
"You are not going to work it out with your narcissistic mother." THIS IS SO TRUE! I literally tried to work it out with my BPD mother for 40 years. Forty years! A total waste of time. And now she's dead and things only got worse as the years went on. I read books. I tried to counsel her. I tried to understand the situation. I applied reason and logic and appealed to her on an emotional level. Nothing worked. She twisted everything I said. DON'T TRY AND WORK IT OUT WITH YOUR NARCISSISTIC MOTHER!!!!
Shannon Phillips Thank you. I needed to hear this. It is so hard to pretend that the past never happened when I'm around her. She acts like nothing happened. It's totally insane. I thought her acting like nothing is wrong was the way I should be to "get over it". Turns out the answer is so obvious. Don't follow in ANY of her footsteps!!
I finally shut my 83 year old narcissist mother out of my life a year and a half ago. I miss her but I'm mentally and emotionally healthier for it. My relationship with my own adult daughter is healthy and wonderful. I just can't imagine treating her like my mother treated me. I could never! She's my precious baby girl. Thank you for this video. You nailed it 100% for me.
My 83 year old mother absented herself when I was 32 I'm 58 now. I now have established email and phone " grey rock" only communication. But I always feel manipulated when I hear her words. It's so hard but I know that I have saved my daughter and granddaughters from her critical eye and cold indifference.
It’s interesting that you said you missed her. My mother died unexpectedly after I had withdrawn and created safe boundaries for myself. I have never missed her once and don’t even want or have photos of her around. I felt a little guilty at first but not now.
My mom emotionally abuses me. I been letting her treat me poorly all of my life because I thought I deserved it. But today at 34, I finally said ENOUGH ! I am glad I found this video.
My mother destroyed my career, my marriage, my friendships, my relationships, and my self-esteem. I am 50 years old and went NC 10 years ago with my narcissistic mother. I am still recovering. The bonds of trauma run deep.
I am so sorry to hear it and yes indeed trauma bonds run deep. I am sending you strength and positive energy on your healing journey. Thanks for being here with me.
MIFNP ::::Im so sorry I feel for you greatly and reading your comment made me want to connect my soul to yours and hug you and heal you. Obviously I don't have the power to do that but it really is heart wrenching for me to read your comment. I'm kind of crying and I really hope you heal and break those bonds YOU deserve it! Much love sister ❤
Making boundaries with my mom is both, ironically, the scariest and yet freeing thing I have ever done. The mere act of setting boundaries has begun the rebuilding process of my self-confidence... after 42 years! Even if you are sweating and shaking, that first "no" or moment of "putting your foot down" is like coming up for air that my child-self wished it had!
It took me until I was 47 years old. Took a job all the way across the country for a huge career opportunity. That is how I learned the hard way, but the decision and the move sparked behavior that I’ve never seen. Hurtful and disappointing. The distance is allowing the healing however. Best of luck to you as you heal and rebuild
It took me until 43 I fell for her manipulation and I sacrificed my peace by moving in with her and it’s been the biggest mistake and now praying to get out ASAP -- I’m not looking to work it out with her and will be cutting her off completely ones I leave. I realized after 43 years that she never loved unconditionally it was always conditional but I had to go through it to break free.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother. She died almost 25 years ago. When I learned that she had died, I felt a weight physically lift from my shoulders. I had gone 'no contact' with her long before I learned what that was. I remember once sitting at a dinner with some people and I mentioned that I hadn't spoken to my mother in over 5 years and their reaction was exactly what you describe. "Ohhh, but she's your mother.", etc., etc. I didn't know how to describe to them what I had lived with all my life. I didn't have the words and vocabulary to describe it at that time but I knew, in my heart, they had no idea what I had endured. I have been in and out of therapy for about 30 years. Many therapists understood that what I went through was abusive but also didn't have the vocabulary to help me. I have found most of my healing with books and videos such as yours. You describe my mother almost exactly. I remember during her funeral, my brother said something like, "Well, you know Mom was never really a mother." That was the closest, at that time, that we had come to understanding what we went through. Thank you for this video. It really resonated with me. I hope that those that have narcissistic mothers now have the resources and vocabulary that will help them to heal. Words and ideas are powerful.
AB, Thank you for sharing your powerful experience here with us. I am so sorry for what you endured but grateful you went 'No contact' long before she passed. The more people talking and sharing about their narc mother experience the more victims who will find relief and sisterhood xoxoxo
I can relate. Even dating sites advise you look at the relationship between your date and his/her parents. Red flag if it's bad or non-existent. Further victimization of the victim.
My mom is more covert that this. She had always dismissed me by laughing at me when I try to express myself. If I ever bring any issues up to her she goes crazy with victim mode. She triangulares all of my siblings against me and each other, she makes all of my talent and successes about her. She compares everything to her experiences. She’s a major pick me. She loves using guilt and shame as a teaching tool. She was physically abusive until I moved out at 17, so getting beat was a regular occurrence since I was 4 years old. She never takes accountability and the whole world thinks she’s the amazing liberal compassionate saint. I’m 30 and I feel so much anger. When I have insurance I finally want to get a therapist that will help me work through this so I can be happy and free from her control and abuse.
Hold on & hang in there. I am so sorry you are experiencing this level of pain, manipulation, deceit and disturbing behavior. I am proud of you for acknowledging what's going on and articulating it very well while actively searching for deep healing tools such as therapy. It has helped me a lot, call 211 and inquire about free counseling in your area, no insurance needed. Also sign up for Medicaid in your area as they have free therapy for those who do not have means, money or insurance, but 1st and foremost - grab the absolute best narc defeater that has the most undefeated record out there to fight your battles 💪💪🏼 and that's God 👑❤️ He got your back better than MapQuest ⭐👑 ❤️Just remember you're not alone. There are many people out here working on our healing, healthiness and happiness ❤️♥️ you are worthy of having a happy life, now go get it 💪🏽💖. 💪👑 Godbless
@@t4t806 thank you so much 💗 I do want to say that some days with her are better than others. We have a lot of codependency because we are both helping my sister raise her four young fatherless daughters. My mom is in therapy but she still has a lot of issues that I believe she will never identify and work to change. I love her because she is my mother but I know that the more I learn to self validate and find emotional independence, the better I will be.
It really does suck when everyone else sees “how wonderful” they can be….makes it all the more frustrating to know that they KNOW how they SHOULD be and can even go as far as to “pretend” to be so great, but behind closed doors, one on one, with no audience- they are incapable of really giving us the love, support and acceptance we’ve always deserved. 😢 💕
I'm witnessing you with compassion. I'm sending you strength. You are the only person who can make choices for you. Only you know what is best for you.
Every time I talk about moving away my mom calls me selfish for “taking him (my son) away from them (her, step dad, siblings)” and says things to scare me like if I put my son in daycare he will be abused or his father will try to steal him from me. Just really wild things to make me feel too scared to leave her. But will then say things behind my back like “I wish she never came back here”
@@Layla-fr7mf I see you're other comment about covert religious narc mum , i'm a muslim so is it a sin to leave her and cut ties ? Especially if there no one to take care of her , I'm a still studying and she manipulate me to go in a certain career that I don't want, and pressure me to find a job asap so that she live on my salary ( with my cover narc big brother too) WHILE i'm still discovering myself ( and what i want TRULY ) and need those money to heal my messed up health sistem So please can you give me an advice !!
Fafo Dear daughter I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Only advice I can give you is to stay strong and don’t allow others to chose for you even if it is your own parents. They are supposed to guide you and support you to make a decision but not to decide for you. It is ok to consider their opinion and think it through as they might have some wisdom behind it though. As for your relationship with mum and brother, you need to set boundaries. She is your mum and need your support and help but without allowing her to abuse you. So each time she tries to harm you using words or guilt trap you, remain calm and remember that she has a personality problem. She can’t see things as they are or in a logical and neutral way. She is guided by her own wants and needs. If anything bad or painful comes from her, remind your self if that fact and keep her at bay. You do your duties towards her as God has decreed but don’t tolerate any harm from her. ‘ that is your opinion and I have my own which I am entitled to.’: this should be your attitude and your answer. This life is a test for all of us. Learn as much as you can about this personality disorder to arm yourself with knowledge and don’t forget to be gentle on yourself. Living with them is a great challenge and leaving them is also the same. I pray that you stay strong and that you will find a way.
My mother always wants to be the victim. She would twist an argument and make out I called her crazy or a failure. I never uttered those words but apparently I’m told what I’ve called her. So now she storms off, slams doors like she’s been attacked or disrespected. It’s really scary that she can do this. My nervous system is always on high alert around her. I avoid confrontations with her as much as possible, just to safe my system from disruption.
"The narcissistic mother has no capacity to love you" is so true and this is the one thing I understood but was very painful to realize, I kept trying to tell her how to love me and what unconditional love it. It is pretty amazing to me how a person gets to this point, because I know they do not love themselves too and have a very low self-esteem.
@@bbbbbbbbbbbb-fy9bdBnot always true some of them love themselves a lot and think their daughter is not good enough and always care for somehting which can give them reward
@@Crowwillbe That's what they say to exist. They will put themselves in the spotlight : they're the best, they do everything right, they're always right, and the others are not good enough,... BECAUSE they don't like themselves. It's like they try to convince themselves and people around that they have value. The daughter is not good enough because they're jealous of her. They need to destroy her self-confidence and self-esteem (in private, at home), but in the same time they like when the daughter is brilliant so they can shine in public. They think their daughter's life is their own life and her personality is their own personality. So it must be brilliant to tell people how wonderful their daughter's life (so THEIR life in their mind) is. My mother thinks she and I are just ONE. - She told me ONCE (last year I think) on the phone, with that desperate voice like she was revealing a huge secret that she couldn't keep any more, that she wanted to have my life : travelling around the world (for my job), being free, no children and no man in my life (because of her but she doesn't know that. I'm self-isolated and feel depressed). - She told me several times that she tried to imitate my signature but she can't, it's too complicated for her (luckily !). - One time, we were in a clothing store, I saw a long dress and I said : Oh I love that dress !! She said : Yeah but the problem is... long dresses don't suit me. (like I couldn't buy it for ME because it wouldn't suit HER) - When we are together and meet some people who haven't seen me for a long time and make me compliments like I'm a beautiful woman, she won't say anything until we get home. And there, she will put me down verbally to remove all my pride and self-esteem. The last time she did that, right after, she said that she would also like to receive compliments (that she never gets). Really, she freaks me out sometimes.
I wished internet existed when i was young ! I have discovered far too late my mother IS a narcisist but i always knew she was not normal. She is 86 now and still the same. Luckily for me i left home very early but éven from far away she was dangerous and manipulating. All you are saying is hitting the point. Thank you!
I cut the contact with my mum ten years before she died. And when she died I was relieved. I never loved my mum. My son and I have a great relationship. He knows that I love him to death and would do anything for him. I have always tried to be the opposite of my mum.
When my mom died - I FORBAD myself to cry for HER - almost 10 years. What I was mourning about, was the FACT, that I never had a real mother AT ALL. And a wise psychic helper said to me one day: I have always to be on guard not to be addicted to other "Motherfigures" or other people thelike, because THEY would probably treat me EXACTLY the same way - ABUSIVELY
I thought I had seasonal depression turns out my depression was linked to my mother’s narcissism. Being apart from her is so healing. Went low contact and I feel peace. I still need to heal from the lack of apologies. Snide remarks but being on my own I feel so much better. Haven’t felt depressed since
My heart to heart didn't last long before she became verbally aggressive. Most likely because I dared to question the dynamic. So I started repeating her words back and asking what she means and how could she say such hateful things when I'm trying to help whatever is wrong. To this I was told I am a "master manipulator". I was so surprised that instead of realizing she was on attack she accused me of being what she is! So I simply said "well, I guess I learned from the best".
playlists omg I had no idea there were other people in this world dealing with a mother like this. I feel so validated for the first time in my life. So heartbroken at the same time. My mother is the ignoring kind of narcissist that’s also always in constant competition with me and likes to project her negative traits upon me.I hate her so much but I love her and I am so deeply broken.
@@treemarie213100 Oh yeah they are impossible. They do so much damage to other people. Eckhart Tolle says that you should thank people like that. They force you to deal with the situation, educate yourself and you emerge much wiser I tried to help my Mother (covert narc) because she got depressed a lot. I found a great book called "Feeling Good" by David Burns. Her response was "That wont work!" She took any attempt to help her as a personal attack on her intelligence or something and got totally defensive. So insecure. In the end, I realized that she was impossible to deal with so stopped trying. For my own sanity I had to separate myself from her and her problems. She was an adult, it's her issue, it's up to her to help herself. Good luck Shannon, all the best.
Everything my mom cared about was outward appearances but not about my actual needs. She’s really insecure about herself and constantly seeks approval around her but the cost has always been to me. She talks trash about everyone behind their back. The times I have stuck up for myself by simply saying “what about my feelings” she takes that as a personal attack demands an apology and is extremely verbally abusive. It’s so depressing because I’m disabled and reliant on her. She tells me to my face her former best friend fakes her autoimmune disease which means she thinks I’m faking too. She has always been a combination of neglectful and smothering.
I was raped as I was 6 years of age. But my narcissistic mother said I would make this up. She NEVER comforted me or gave me any affection ! It was ALWAYS just about her ! How it would turn out for HER. And always played the shame and guilt card against me. I am 51 1/2 years of age today and I totally broke up with my whole narcissistic family. And I recognized, that I always was attracting people in my life - in EVERY area - which are narcissists in the one way or the other. No matter if they are female or male. THAT is a horrible curse.
Grace and Hannah, I am so sorry that you went through these things. I am so so sorry that you both went through this. I hope you are both doing better now. Sending love to the both of you from the Caribbean.
I still have anger issues even after creating boundaries and cutting my narcissistic mother off. It’s been really hard to let go of all the shit she put me through, and how much happier/better my life could’ve been if she had just loved me.
Never even realized it but since I was probably 15 I have tried to live 3,000 mi away from my mom because I've always even said out loud and to her It's the only way we get along and it is... I'm 55 into the state caller every Sunday for what I call my weekly ass chewing because it's nothing less if she laughs at anything it's a good conversation and I feel light and happy but seldom ever occurs... 99% of time is a bitch fest her, me, or both... At each other about each other or her about my siblings and their significant others or me and my shit never resolved when we're done we just hang up
@@michellewilkes5801 Why do you keep exposing yourself to them at all, if they are that toxic? Why is that beneficial to you, and how is that beneficial to or for you?
I mean you don't realize it, but you are STILL letting her control you and make you miserable by choosing to think that way. It's generally for the best to go no contact with narcissistic individuals regardless of who they are to you. But it's NOT beneficial to or for you by choosing to hold onto anger or the bad memories/times that you had with them. Holding onto demonic spirits that cause offense, and in turn unforgiveness is VERY detrimental and damaging to you. The enemy/those evil spirits try to make you feel like you have power and control when you choose to harbor that/those feelings. But it's WAY more detrimental to you in the long run, and in reality when you choose to respond or live this way on a constant basis. You are ABSOLUTELY no better then them, because you have chosen to function from a victim mentality, and way of being, just like them. Which is why and how people become narcissistic in the first place, and why they don't EVER be healed or truly delivered from it, in the mighty name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. I'm not saying that you are a narcissist, but you can definitely be narcissistic, and become a burden to yourself and those around you, and those that are connected to you, when you choose to function like this. THE CHOICE KS ABSOLUTELY YOURS. I KNOW WHEN YOU ARE RAISED BY SOMEONE WITH NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER, THAT YOU ARE RAISED TO BELIEVE THAT YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE. BUT THAT'S A LIE FROM THE PITS OF HELL. YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE A CHOICE TO MAKE. CHOOSE TO BE FREE FOR YOUR OWN SAKE. FROM THIS DAY FORWARD. CHOOSE THERAPY OR WHATEVER YOU NEED TO GET THERE, IN THE MIGHTY NAME OF JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH. I PRAY YOU ARE DOING BETTER, AND I PRAY YOUR STRENGTH IN THE LORD, IN THE MIGHTY NAME OF JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH. AMEN AND AMEN AND AMEN AND AMEN AND AMEN AND AMEN.
My mother won’t stop contacting me. She’s the worst and I don’t want to have anything to do with her and she maintained control with finances and guilt tripping in which my whole family encouraged. I had to cut both of my parents off and it’s been the best thing ever! Everything you described *is* my mother. I have kids so she tried to use them and make an imprint on them and I recognized it right away and she no longer has contacts with them. I refuse to continue the cylce
Erica, this happened with my mom but my son is 9 now and has been completely brainwashed by her and set against me, as if I display and conviction or strength to remove my son from the situation, I am made into the crazy one, and the tears come from her, and the fake heart attacks, and the "after all I have done for you". My son thinks he is happy, she keeps him in her bedroom and away from me. I dont know how to save myself and my son now. Would appreciate any advice. Thank you!
There are so many lies my mother has told about me over the years that people to this day believe about me. I finally realized that every single time I got a new friend and I told her about it she would literally instantly friend them, and then they would stop speaking to me. She loathes with hatred anybody who actually knows me and loves me for who I am. Her jealousy is absolutely so disgusting. God forgive me I can’t even stand to look at her or hear her voice it makes my stomach churn with nausea. She has always hurt me physically mentally and psychologically my entire life. I didn’t get to this point of feeling like this until just the last few months I just cannot take it anymore. I cannot even have a conversation with her and I feel bad because she’s elderly but I just I can’t stand her.
It is great to see that a therapist understands this type of abuse. I have not been able to find a therapists who understands this type of abuse. I had to learn about it on social media which helped me on my healing journey. It took me over 40 years to figure it out and now I am parenting my self and recovering from it all. I've been no contact for 6 years now.
My sister is a 'therapist,' the biggest Narc you would wish to find,! Her ex-husband called her a parasite, and now she's feeding off her clients, wish them luck!
Zamecia McCorvey for me it took more than 40 years to understand what kind of person my father really is. If it was not for youtube, maybe I would never have found out. People like him should not have children, period.
Yeah I'm glad to, I had a hard time explaining this behavior and pain in myself to my therapist. So I decided to record and bring it in for it to be heard. She looked right at me in shock, Then I cried I said its hard to explain such emotional abuse with out it sounded like I was being unfair. She saw and heard for herself and from there i received better help to recover because she then understood what I was dealing with.
I'm probably one of the youngest people here, I'm 16 years old, but I cannot explain how relieved I feel watching this video. I have spent my entire life wondering why my mother never seemed to be proud of me or why our relationship was/is so painful. I have spent almost a decade being terrified of my mother who uses any information that I gave her, that I stopped giving her years ago, against me and is one of the only people in my life that can make me break down in tears just from her words. I can remember being 7 years old and thinking I was a lunatic because I thought of running away and genuinely wanted to never see my mother again. She has never truly physically harmed me but I am so frightened of her that I created a fake gmail account just to post this comment out of fear of her finding out that I wrote this. She doesn't attempt to invade my privacy so this is slightly paranoid however any argument between me and her ends with me being shredded to pieces. All of this has made me fearful that I am just a terrible daughter and I have never told anyone that my mother hurts me so badly as I knew that if I said that my mother scares me or that I dream of the day when I can live on my own without the constant fear, people were going to think I was crazy. Reading all these comments has given me a sense of relief as I can see that it wasn't me, I'm not a disgusting person after all. Even though I am not going to confront her with this knowledge, she would rip me to shreds for months, just this knowledge can help me get through a family life so toxic it made me attempt suicide at the age of nine (another thing my mother doesn't know about). Sorry for this rambling diatribe about a bunch of jumbled emotions coming from a rather disturbed teenage girl but as I almost never get the chance to express emotion this seemed like a baby step into someday becoming as close to normal as possible.
I understood every word you wrote my dear. You have profound insight for your age-which tells me if you stay on this path, you will escape your situation and create a happy life for yourself. You deserve to be seen, known, understood and cherished. You are NOT alone and you don't seem disturbed just dialed into the truth of what is going on. I am so glad you are here with us.
What you need to do is manipulate your mother. Feed her with compliments and give her loads of narcissistic supply. And then when you’re able to be independent, run and don’t look back. Btw, you really need therapy because otherwise you’ll attract another abuser. Tell yourself every day that you are awesome and worthy of love. Best of luck to you!
Just don’t fall into the trap of being a people pleaser like I was . You just hand in there and make sure you don’t attract boyfriends that are like your mother . Stay away from anyone too charming or that are hot and cold . Your mother won’t change hon . Keep at arms length when you grow older . Trust me I’m 38 I wish I didn’t waste so many years for caring about someone that was never going to change . Do everything you can to build your sense of worth . I have a daughter now and I let her know she is loved and validated . I let her know she is important . My daughter I keep away from my mother as she is just not interested in her . You can break the chains of generational emotional abuse with insight an taking responsibility xxxx read lots of books and get out when you can . Hurt people shouldn’t cause more hurt they should get help and take responsibility.
Imagine being raised by 2 spoiled, only children who somehow managed to find each other, get married and have 2 kids to mess up. It's a wonder I function at all, lol!
My mother is a covert-victim narcissist and my father is overt. I’m 35 and thanks to RU-vid just find out why me and my brother are so effed up :) I’m just thankful that my father lived separately since I was born, my brother got the full blast.
I now understand why so many elders end up in nursing homes. i will be putting my mother in one or my brainwashed golden child brothers can take care of her because i refuse to i want nothing to do with that evil demon in a flesh suit
Haha I used to be jealous my brother got all her love. Now I'm just happy she has a pawn to take care of her when she's older so I don't have to pick off emotional scabs.
My mother is currently on end stage copd they gave her 2-5 years 8 years ago!!! Meanwhile my father and step mother have passed so I have no actual parents imo!!! My golden child brother can have her!!!
I feel you. It is painful but the more of a life for yourself that you build the more joy you will experience. You deserve to be happy xo
7 лет назад
I believe you because my mother is 79 years and I am 60 now and still suffering from her even though she lives so far away by choice in an Eastern European Country.
I understand. Those "mother tapes" are still in my head. Her comment making fun of EVERYTHING I was, liked, etc., even how I cut up lettuce for the family salad; those are still in my head and cut my self confidence to nothing long before I became an adult. Sadly, it's permanent, and I say this after decades of therapy and anti depressants, trust me, I've tried long and hard to overcome it.
I just realized my mother's narcissistic when, after disclosing to her that I've been having panic attacks, made my mental health issues all about her and how I never open up to her and how I apparently think she is a bad mother. When I read about the signs, my mom ticked every box.
My mother does the same. I was upset about something else completely, already upset and crying. The entire call became her poised on the brink of outrage throughout the conversation, and ended with her screaming and monologging that she was an amazing mother and I am terrible and ungrateful before hanging up on me.
YES, my mother was always saying how "I owe her" for everything! That was her constant catch phrase. Also, she would withhold her attention if I did not agree with her on EVERYTHING. I'm 58 now. My mother has not spoken to me in 1.5 years. My life has been so peaceful. Every year or so she would fly into a rage and not speak to me for one reason or another because of a perceived "wrong" I've done. This last time was the straw that broke the camels back. I've always just started speaking to her after a few months because I felt bad for her. Never again. I finally started going to a therapist 1.5 years ago and I feel so much better and more empowered and realize that it's been her all along and not me! Imagine that!! Two of my 3 children don't speak to her either. I always wondered why she has no friends and her brother refused to speak to her on his dying bed. Hmmmm..... Peace is a good thing. Thanks for this video.
This video has me on the brink of tears 😢 It's like you watched my entire life from birth. I am just now, at the age of 34, realizing what I've been going through. I am now finding freedom in healing with prayer, fasting, meditations, visualizations and self LOVE!!! My personal growth with pushing back and setting boundaries has been incredible!!! Thank you for this information 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
I am glad to report that because my mother and I have deep relationships with God through Jesus Christ... we have risen above the terrible truths of this mother/daughter dynamic 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾 There can be healing! You have to claim it, believe it and pray 🙏🏾💖
Wow!!! I am 34. JUST these last few months my mom and I have had actual good interacty(this came from lots of healing God did within me and my mom is totally unaware!) so cool what Jesus can do!
I am so glad I found this video. I am 52 and still suffering abuse. Most recently, taking care of the abuser because she is elderly and ill. No more feeling guilty for boundaries and trying to change her...time to focus on my own recovery. She will never change....like you said...no matter what I do...and I want a life.
I wish they taught us this at school. How I regret the 20 years of my adolescence and youth wasted and gone because of her sick character. A life wasted . . .
I felt my mother wants to be revered adored. When I’ve tried to tell a friend who do not have a narcissistic mother of the abuse that is so extreme and invisible to the outside world to my friend it almost sounds too extreme to be true. I didn’t know there were two types of Narcissistic mothers. I was emotionally abused and neglected. Before RU-vid I thought I was the only one to experience this.
@@terri_cole Thank you so much Teri xx. from my child-self your acknowledgement means a lot to me. :) For the cycle years of neglect & rejection. (Then when I went low contact) the love bombing. Finally there IS a name for my mother's strange behaviour. It's also a relief that (As I was often told I was) I realise i'm really NOT imaging this. i'm NOT going insane after years of manipulation and being gaslighted. I'm so grateful for youtube and your page.
No Patricia you have lots of company. IT is like you said, the evil comes disguised and invisible to the outside world. My mother died at 93 years of age 40 days ago today. She praised me to the world, and only let her Venum show behind closed doors. I had taken care of her for 30 years, and this time I couldn't because my husband and I were cancer patients. My brother had 8 adults living in the same building and his restaurant below, and here I was alone. She wanted me to do all the work, and give everything to him. That's her last shot at me. Not a tear for her.
I’ve always questioned if my mother was even my real mom . She’s done things that makes no sense like talking bad about me to my family and even lying . We’ve never been close and I always feel like she’s in competition with me or jealous even when I’m trying to help her. She’s had a lot of issues growing up so I understand and I forgive her but that does not give her the right to treat someone like that . I always just keep my distance now . She ignores me anyways so she doesn’t care lol ive taken control of the situation . I still love her I just accept we will never have a mother daughter relationship 🙏🏾❤️
Exactly what I go through. She turned everyone in family against me. They don't show it, but I feel it. And now she realized that I mean it going no contact, she showers herself in the victim role in front of everyone else and tell them that I take her grandchildren from her. While when we talk or see each other she is ice cold to me. No love for me, not even a little warm breeze in my direction. But society calls her mother anyways..
Exactly my sentiments on my relationship with my mother. I will do my duties to her as a daughter, but she lost that mother-daughter relationship with me. She won't get that closeness of a mother-daughter bond with me. I've tried for so many years to fix this relationship, to make her happy, to be an obedient daughter, suffering mentally and emotionally under her abuse. It is time I prioritise myself. Mothers like this won't change. I will NOT allow her negativity affect my mental, emotional and physical well-being any longer. I will be my own mother to myself, heal the inner child in me. To everyone else who is dealing with similar circumstances, be strong for yourself, you've got you, you are the best person that you need.
Tammy, Decide to stop letting her use you. That is your choice. If she asks you for help or what she should do, you can say lovingly," Mom I really don't know the answer. I have no doubt that you will figure it out because you are the only one who can. I'm just trying to figure out my own life." or something to that effect. Choose you, mama!
Nothing wrong with helping a mother but do not let her use you as a crutch and take all your time so you will not have time for your own life. Is she narc?
Any time I would visit her, it would always turn into a handyman visit - fixing her pool, changing air filters and countless mildly mechanical tasks for which she (supposedly) has no capability to do herself. This was happening even when my Dad was alive, and he was a mechanical engineer! Meanwhile my sister's visits were shopping, lunches, fun stuff. And it was focused on my sibling, whereas my visits were about her needs. Perhaps it is a blessing my sister got her to move closer to them and not me - more of her care falls to her now. I already have a MIL and SIL with NPD close to home as it is.
my mom dose it too , She use me to correct herself s problems which is just shit , like she said "Im not good enough" meaning if I am good enough meaning she is good enough , well its not the case if I am good theres nothing good about her.
I am 49 years old I am finally standing up to my narcissistic mother. I have set boundaries…she absolutely hates it. I am moving out of town in couple of months…she is trying to smoother me more and more as the days by. I’m so over it..I can’t wait to move!!
I am 67 and will never heal from the cruelty and dare done from my childhood. There was no help for us victims until recently and I'm beyond caring anymore. Thank you for making this public and helping the youth of today. I pray you reach those in desperate need.
No matter how old you are, you are worth happiness, healing and owe it to yourself to enjoy your 1 live that you've been given. If you don't enjoy what time you have left then not only does the pain stay inside longer but the narcissist gets exactly what they wanted for you, failure to experience happiness. You don't owe them anything else. God, fight, win dear. God bless
I wish they taught us this at school. I could have saved 20 years of my adolescence and youth. Now I can't turn back the time to recover from the material and mental damage she cunningly subjected me to.
I'd like to add that while going no contact with your mom might be the best strategy, it still sucks and brings pain. Havent spoken to mine in over six years and it still hurts. If any of you have gone no contact and stopped caring, I'm very glad for you, and perhaps a little jealous. I still love who my mom once was to me and it hurts a lot to know I cant have her in my life without getting a venomous bite.
Zay Dean we understand, not all narc moms are completely evil, mine actually loves me in a really twisted way ... lots of guilt and sadness, but I have decided to love myself and love with the consequences of that - and let others who hurt me live with it too.
Zay Dean Yes because when you are little they usually appeared loving and kind. Because you weren’t trying to be independent of them as a three year old. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that things started going south very quickly. And I still think back on the mother I had when I was little. She used to do everything with me. But now looking back knowing what I know now, I can see all the motives for why she behaved as she did. These people are incapable of love. They don’t love their children. They just want other people to see what “great” mothers they are.
movingonandup773 I am so sorry about the horrible parents you have. I am in therapy as well. I think all kids of narcissistic parents should have therapy. It is hard for regular people to understand what you’re going thru. I mean, how do you get someone to try to wrap their head around the idea that a mother doesn’t love their own child? That’s hard to process because we are raised believing a mother or father’s love is unconditional. And sadly what narcissistic personality disorder parents do is remove the “un.” So it is jarring growing up in an environment where love is not freely given, yet when watching movies, reading stories, and seeing friends who have normal parents, you see that it is for everyone else but you. And unfortunately if you try to get help outside the family or explain the madness that is occurring people look at you like you’re insane. They make the biggest effort to make sure everyone around them that doesn’t include family NEVER sees the real them. They are completely fake, usually overly sweet and caring. So when I would try to complain to anyone or explain what was going on, I always got “oh come on, your mom is sooooo nice.” That isn’t an accident. Movingonandup773 and all the other children of narcissistic parents, stay strong. I encourage you to read. Learn as much as you can about narcissistic personality disorder. Get counseling. Get away from your abuser because make no mistake, they are abusing you. Don’t fall for the trap after you leave of those sad phone calls, “just come home, I promise I’ll be nicer to you. I know it’s so hard living away from home, I will take care of you darling just come back home.” They are not going to be nicer, or different. They will smother you. They are never going to let you mature into the person you were meant to be, because that means, to them, you will never need them again or need their help. There is still time. As long as you are breathing, there is time to heal. Remember these people will NEVER get help, and they will NEVER change. The only thing you can do is change how YOU react to them. If unfortunately you can’t go no contact, then gray rock them. Look up the term. They crave the drama and fight and you don’t give it to them. Usually they will move on to trying to fight or create drama with another family member because they aren’t getting their narcissistic supply out of you. I hope all of us out there one day will be healed, and never look back. At least you can tell yourself “this stops with me.” You don’t have to carry the narcissistic b.s. into another generation. We had already had two generations in my family. It’s like a disease that spreads, and I’m ensuring it stops with me. But if you have kids yourself, be the parent you wish you’d had. We are capable of unconditional love even if we were raised by these horrible people.
movingonandup773 completely agree. Just because people don’t have children, they were once children and know what is good healthy behavior, especially if they saw families outside their own. I remember the first time I saw a friends mom interact with her family and I was so taken aback and thought, “wow, so that’s how a mom should act.” That was well before I had kids.
I got goosebumps so many times during this video. Thank you so much for posting. Because the scars aren't visible you can sometimes think you're imagining the manipulation but hearing an explanation from someone else makes a huge difference.
When I was growing up I heard all these songs about praising your mother,and every religion praised them and advised people to adore them. I always questioned about them in my heart. She always controlled me and made me guilty so now I'm a patient battling depression for 25 years.
We're rooting for you sis. Keep focusing on the positive, on healing, and growth. Every religion praises GOOD mothers. Narcissistic mothers don't fit the bill because they don't do many things that GOOD mothers do. My favorite verse from the Bible that helped me with healing is: "Can a mother forget the child she nursed and have no compassion on the child from her womb? Even if she should forget, I [God] will not forget you."(Isaiah 49:15-17)
my mother is the most abusive and nasty person and when she visited her friends she would sit there and say "i always put my kids first" what a load of shit! i called her out once and they all looked at me with the stink face then proceeded to talk bad about me as usual.
My mother saw me as competition of my father's love & attention. I was in denial because i could not fatham that my mother saw me as such until my granddaughter was born. My father loved my granddaughter & my mother treated her horribly. Then it became apparent. I confronted her. My father NEVER defended me. He was very co dependent. When I was 9, she told me she tried to abort me. What mother says that??!!
My mother always put me in the middle, between my father. He and I never had much of relationship, and I always felt he didn't love me. However, he did tell me he loved me, when he was dying. The only other time was when I lost my husband at 26. I spent years in therapy, about 20. Finally, I got it, and that brought about the distancing of me from them.
My good lord, you just described my mother to the T. She has caused me so much pain. I just realize that she is a narcissist. I never could put a name to her behavior. I have to come to the conclusion that it is best to distance myself from her for good. Whats worse about my experience is that I am an empath so my experience through life has been extremely painful dealing with her and others.
Xelelwa Mtshizana I heard a theory that Empathic children actually their develop their ability because they are in abusive households, because we were always putting out our psychic tendrils and gauging how our unstable parent where feeling at that moment. When your safety is reliant upon the unstable emotional state of someone else... you spend a lot of time gauging how that person is feeling. And that odometer for emotion is just always on now. Being and empath is hard because most people don’t realize that some people can feel what you are think... I always feel like I am having two conversations with people but they are only aware of one. of those conversations. So someone could be telling me a story and I would also be picking up how they felt, which may or may not correlate with what they are saying. So when they say something that doesn’t correlate it just feels kinda awkward because they are contradicting themselves within the same sentence. When I am in a group of people it can get overwhelming because everyone is So focused on everyone else, and I can “hear/ feel” the judgment. it’s natural to make assumptions of people and try to pin them down, but there is no louder emotion that judgment, when some one is thinking something to themselves about someone else, that is so loud and clear to me it’s like they might as well have said it, but they didn’t so I feel so awkward! and I just want to tell judgmental people to be mindful of their thoughts because some people can hear them :p
I shut my 80-year-old mother out 2 months ago. I feel like I am getting healthier, bit by bit and day by day. It's like kicking an addiction. I never dared question her. I was so brainwashed into believing her presentation of being an übermom. But now I am being honest about her behavior, and about 2 weeks ago, I discovered she is a narcissistic mom who ignored me. No doubt about it. I also question my therapist. I've seen her every week these last 2 years, and not once has she mentioned the possibility of my mom being mentally ill. So that's been a massive waste of money and time. I am educating myself at the moment, and that feels very liberating. Thank you for helping me.
Thank you so much for sharing. For years I've been crying asking God, the Lord Jesus Christ, to Change me. I thought I was crazy, because my mother told me I am. I'm 46 years old not married, no kids, no friends in my life, no one at all in my life but my mother whom I desperately seek to escape from. Please someone pray for me. Thank you
@Shannon Cunningham I will be praying for you. Hold on to Jesus. Don’t give up. You are strong!!! Jesus gives us power to overcome this. I am a lot like you. God Bless You!!❤️
Dear friend try to attend Codepedents anonymous and do a mediation course. It is never too late and always possible to change and heal and find peace and joy. I promise.
thank you for bringing up the taboo of speaking ill of the person who birthed you. when people have bad mothers they should be able to call a spade and spade - there is nothing motherlike about a narcissistic mom
23 year old mother of 16 month old twins here, no contact with my narcissistic mother coming up a year now! Trust me I never thought I could do it, I was so wrong!! I'm healthier than ever! I found a love of running, yoga and knitting 😍 I have self confidence, I have made closer relationships with my girl friends as I no longer have the feelings that all women are threats! My partner has been super supportive and has seen all the positive changes! My real wake up call was becoming a mother myself and realising i needed to protect my children from this abuse. I needed to stable and healthy for them and I wasn't with her around. This was the best decision I've ever made, for myself and my family 🙌🏼 if you are thinking about no contact, just go for it! Trust me, you can do it and you will grow as a person 💪🏼 x
Jo Cass I been dealing with trusting that all women are not like my mom or men too cause I have attracted so many narc relationships, I haven’t talked to my mom in over a year too, trusting still on my part is still a learning process especially for people that don’t understand
I would love to go no contact with my parents, but then they will tell the whole town how bad and batshit crazy I am for not being in contact with my "wonderful" parents.
Anete Šmite so your decision is what do you want more... To be free of the narc abuse, or to be thought of as bad by your neighbors... In the end people are going to believe whatever they want to believe so you have to learn to just live your truth and know it is your truth... Blessings!
If you grew up with a narcissistic parent you might be able to understand where I'm coming from. My mother is one of them. She has always been extremely narcissistic and has kept me under control all my life. I am now 23. Growing up she was very controlling, violent and over protective and I don't believe she had any good intentions. She would beat me and my brother very aggressively almost every single week for the smallest things. We could barely do anything cause anything would piss her off and she'd beat us. At some points it was so bad that it literally felt like she wanted to kill us. I still remember one day she was beating my brother so bad that I stepped outside my apartment contemplating if I should call the police on her. At the time I wasn't in school yet so I was probably younger than 5 years old. All of that because he kept saying he wanted to live with our father although he never met him. I also remember another time she was choking me on the floor in the middle of the dining room after getting mad at me I don't remember the reason. With my brother she was ten times more aggressive. She always said she hated him for looking more like our father. We were never disobedient and we were always too afraid to talk back to her. She didn't allow us to go out with friends or talk to anyone on the phone. We were never able to speak against her. If she ever saw me talking to a male student she'd accuse me of having a bf. If it were a girl she'd accuse me of being a lesbian. One day I was walking back home from school with a friend and when I got inside the house she was questioning why I was walking with him and she punched me in the face. Later that day I almost committed suicide by hanging in the bathroom when she went out but I managed to not go through with it I just cried myself to sleep. After she had my last two siblings who came from another father she went soft and treated them literally the exact opposite. She didn't beat them at all. She actually gave them permission to hang out with friends. She always claimed she never chose favorites but we all know she has always lied about that. When I was around 5 or 6yrs old the father of the last two siblings would throw me on his bed and pressure a pillow down on my face numerous times and always threatened me when ever she wasn't home and when she returned I would tell her about it but she refused to listen to me. She didn't give a fuck. I was never afraid of him no matter how many times he wanted to kill me but all I wanted was for my mother to believe me that he was doing that to me. That never happened. Decades later the domestic abuse transfered to him and he later disapeared because he was not able to handle the abuse anymore. Last I heard of him he left to another country, was kidnapped when working as a taxi driver and no one knows if he is alive today. Now that I'm 23 she says me and my brother have bad attitudes because we are related to our father. Our father left us when we were babies because him and my mother would fight a lot . We didn't grow up with him. I remember him more than my brother cause I was a little bit older than him. But I wanted to be with him more than my mother. She never blames herself for the way we've become. She doesn't stop making us feel guilty. No matter what I do she always finds a way to make me feel guilty. She keeps saying that we are ungrateful simply for growing up and leaving her for wanting to go live our own lives which we haven't even done yet. I hate her. I don't want anything to do with her anymore. I just want to live. When I finally move out I want to loose all contact with her because I know if I don't she is still going to try to control my life even if I'm not living with her. I just wanted to tell my story somewhere because I'm tired of being made feel guilty for existing.
Seriously...just punch her in the face or belt her round the head with a basball bat! She only abuses u bcoz she can get away with it. She wouldnt do it if u fought back. You wouldnt let anyone else treat you like that so why let her do it? What its okay coz shes your mother? Well then she should fucking behave like one. Just fucking batter her....sounds like she deserves it. She sounds like a bloody criminal. Im sorry to hear your pain. Your case is awful...one of the worst! Makes me feel bad for complaining about mine.
I think narcissistic mothers don't expect their first children to grow up to be important. They probably also can't see themselves from an outside point of view. Their next children they're kinder to so they can have an audience who won't believe they were ever awful. So even if she never admits she treated you badly, she must have listened to be more careful with the younger ones. So you saved them from misery at least.
My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips. "I love you" meant "I need you." YOU don't really exist except to meet their needs. I grew up in a home of insanity. Then I escaped. Managed to get through childhood. Thought I was done. Wrong. Decades later, those scars are forever. Forgiveness helps. She was sick. Incapable of love. But i am not. I am strong and kind and caring, determined to live the life I deserve even though I didn't get the childhood I deserved.
