How do I give myself permission to be ok with not being ok? ep.52 Ask Kati Anything 

thank you for giving our broke asses free mental health advice, kati. love you.

Good morning everyone! If you find value in my podcasts, I'd really appreciate you telling friends & family about it! It helps more than you might know :)

5:55 "Letting it be what it is"... Somehow it sounds so relaxing...

time stamps :) Question 1 (therapists noticing everything)- 1:09 Question 2 (okay with not being okay)- 8:03 Question 3 (crying in therapy)- 19:13 Question 4 (anxious attachment)- 23:21 Question 5 (attached to therapist)- 31:31 Question 6 (feeling stuck)- 40:45 Question 7 (impulsivity)-47:38 Question 8 (responses in therapy)- 52:50 Question 9 (attachment in early childhood)- 57:30 Question 10 (moving from RDE)- 1:06:20 Question 11 (name in therapy)- 1:11:06

It's been a really rough week, I'm so ready for this! The eye contact things are so accurate! Been doing trauma therapy for about 2 yrs, and I asked my therapist at one point to gently remind me to look up at her sometimes. It helps me with trying to learn to accep love and compassion from others. Also to give to myself. Thank you for Kati Thursday's! ♥️☺️

I LOVED that you did two "random" questions. Please keep doing that! :D

Happy One year podcast anniversary Katie! I can't tell you how much this podcast has helped me this year, how many hours you've kept me company and comforted me, and how many ideas you have to think about and discuss with my own therapist.

I really appreciate that you take the time for us. To provide thoughtful responses to our questions each week is such a gift. Thank you for your discussion on my question, #2!! I knew my depression was bad when my appetite vanished mid January (thankfully it returned last week, but that was towards the end of a course of antibiotics and my stomach was even angrier)! As my therapist advised me on the 2nd session, in the whole you can’t pour from an empty cup, I don’t even have a cup! The stress in my life seems to want to 1 up the previous situation ... I just need to get back, build up, my resiliency.

13:33!!! I am giving myself a compassionate week where I am totally focusing on self care. This took me YEARS to fully understand how paramount this time is to calm down my anxiety disorder and CPTSD. If I don’t, I will stall, spin, crash and burn! Spot on encouraging her to literally say out loud, “I weathered the storm, now I can reboot.” 💪🏻❤️

Really liked the bit about taking care of yourself after weathering the storm. :)

For question 2 that is a lifelong question for me. I had multiple traumatic situations when I was a kid and carried all of that and never spoke of it for 40 years. I went to PHP and having great resilience has been common quotes from people that I have shared parts of my story. While I appreciate it and take it as kindness, it doesn’t make me feel any better.

kati looking cosy and warm in her nice black jumper as always just the calming voice and smile i need and as always shares loads of important advice for everyone you have all the right answers to the questions every thursday i get comtable and have my space and time to myself to watch AKA x

Kati I love listening to you’re podcast you have a lovely voice and a beautiful face. Most of these tips have helped me manage my depressive episodes sending love from Ireland !💕

watching this new podcast right now and listening to kati answer peoples questions and they are all important good questions just honestly feeling sad though and kinda stressed out i really needed someone to give me a chance i won t give up trying though i have so much love for this channel and theses podcasts every Thursday and Kati is my go to channel when i need to feel calm and feel a bit better about my mental health just sometimes feel im not really noticed in the comments just want to say we all here because we love kati and we all have health problems take care people

Hi Ms. Morton, You rock. I love your videos and podcasts. I was so interested in this one that I decided to answer all the questions briefly from my own point of view as a therapist. Observers to this post might think, "Hey, you're poaching on her videos!" Guilty. But I see it this way: we are all a community of people trying to help each other. Kati's answers are great, maybe mine offer another angle alongside them. That voice we hear that says "Don't step into this, don't speak up, don't be a jerk, blah blah," that's all mental chatter that helps nothing. I was looking for something to do on a Friday evening so I addressed some of the questions. I will bet you all that Ms. Morton has the self-confidence to enjoy and invite community input, rather than object to it. I got five bucks says that's true. Anyway, here are my thoughts: 1. I remember in one of your videos a few years ago you mentioned that therapists notice everything. When I'm in therapy, I get distracted because I notice myself not making eye contact, being tense, moving my hands, smiling when I'm talking about something upsetting... I think an important choice for therapists is to keep our observations of the physical to ourselves for the most part. By that I mean that if a client crosses her arms, we don't have to say :"HEY I noticed you're crossing your arms WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?" I bring up a physical observation perhaps once per client per month, because otherwise they feel under a microscope and that's so uncomfortable. You can find videos online of some earlier-era therapists like Fritz Perls pointing out every time someone grimaces and it's too much. (he was great but often too much). So if you were in therapy with me, I'd say "You want to smile when you're sad, go for it. You want to jiggle your feet? Lots of us do. Mostly, I just want you to feel comfortable." In the online era a lot of my clients have been showing up in pajamas and staring out their windows instead of making contact. Whatever, it's all good. 2. How do I give myself permission to be ok with not being ok? I’m afraid of allowing myself to feel as I’ve avoided truly allowing myself to deal for a long time. I’ve had to be strong, or fake being strong, hide the tears, and have been told by many they are impressed with my resiliency... How I would reword this question would be: "I don't give myself permission to be OK with being myself. Why is that? Where did that come from? What's stopping me?"" The answers are often complex, but that would be another way of looking at it. 3. I find myself feeling really bad and crying in between sessions, but I can not cry in front of my therapist even though I really want to. It's like I'm blocking my emotions out in therapy, but... No one needs to cry, not to impress their therapist, nor to themselves, nor to their loved ones. If it comes up and it helps, great. Perhaps you' are indeed blocking your emotions in front of your therapist, but that's not a crime. Your therapist is a separate person from you. Most of us have had the experience of other people judging us, so we tend to protect ourselves and keep some of our emotional expression to ourselves. It's fine. 4. I’m going to try again and hope this gets answered this week! My question is: How do I “heal” from anxious attachment? My anxiety surrounding romantic relationships is really making it hard for me to even go on one date without my brain and body turning it into a big anxious... Time, and positive relationships.This is hard, to be sure. In therapy what we therapists sometimes do is act for a time in your life as a secure figure, someone whom you might learn to trust a bit and start to rewire your ancient expectation that people are not to be trusted, or that they love you conditionally. That's our offer, and if you can be brave enough to accept it, it can be powerful. Similarly, in your life outside therapy, find people who can offer that kind of support and spend less time with those who do not. 5. I'm super attached to my therapist at the moment and I always have such a hard time between sessions because I miss her so much. I’ve talked to her about my attachment to her and we’re working on it in therapy but I would love to know some ways to cope with... Awarerness is so important. If you were unaware of your attachment, you'd have to learn about that. Unlearning is a very hard thing to do. It would seem that you have learned that if someone is a positive presence in your life, then you mustn't ever ever lose them. That's repeating a childhood pattern, but this time you are aware of it. Also, when you say that you need to cope with it, it makes it sound like a bad thing. I'm not so sure. Maybe if you attach for a while to your therapist, that's a good thing. Later, you can work on moving apart. For now, let's talk about what's good and bad about becoming attached. 6. I feel so stuck. During the day I try to maintain this unachievable image that I am always happy and bubbly. In my head, I get so critical when I don't meet this image. I feel like I am having to step back from so much because I am wearing myself out... Odds are -- I mean, I don't know, but a good guess here -- is that being happy and bubbly has served you well in life. Perhaps there was a time in life when the family needed you to be this way and you learned to do it. But then, like anyone who learns a coping mechanism, you tended to overuse it and put too much meaning into it. So in any situation -- say a workplace conversation, your internal voice says "Be bubbly and happy because that helped save the family, or worked well in life." So then there's this contradiction where a thing that worked really well we are now mad at ourselves for doing. That's no good -- we want to not be upset with ourselves, we want to be grateful to ourselves for all we have done right. Being happy and bubbly is a thing you have done right. I wouldn't wish for you to get rid of it, but rather be able to be able to choose it. 7. I almost committed suicide this winter out of pure impulsivity. My therapist was very concerned - I wasn´t. I´m better now and don´t think about suicide all the time. However every now and then those thoughts come back. I thought I was getting better... [For legal reasons I am not addressing this very good question.] 8. How should I respond to my therapist asking "how would you like me to accompany you right now?" I know this is about my need in that present moment. Sometimes I want a hug, but am too embarrassed to... Tell your therapist the truth. Doesn't matter what that truth is. It helps us help you. If someone said to me "I want a hug, but I'm too embarrassed to ask for one," I would not pounce and hug them. I would show try to elaborate the issue -- what is it about hugs that make them embarrasing for your? How long has that been true? 9. Happy Thursday Do attachment issues always stem from early childhood? I get intensely attached to older female authority figures, I have for a long time. I had a fairly 'normal' childhood, my mum was a stay-at-home parent and I think she was there for me as much as she could when I was a child but I can't be sure... This is hard to answer without knowing you as a client. But if you want a quick answer, the best bet is yes, it does stem from early childhood. That's just how attachment tends to work. Attachment is an early life experience. It's not that you're doomed to always be the same way, but yes, it seems to come from youth. We don't have a time machine to go back and "fix" your attachment with your mother or a way to truly examine perfectly how every day went, but it's worth asking why this matters at this time. What is it like to attach to older female authority figures? What is soothing or isn't about that? And PS: What was your attachment to any male figures like? That sounds like a factor, too. 10. How can someone begin the process of moving away from restrictive disordered eating if the thought of giving up the control which restriction seems to give feels terrifying? Like you, I'm scared of change. In fact, this is a core human experience. I can work with someone quite usefully for a year of therapy and we can encounter various issues, doing our best, but then one day they say "But I'm afraid." And at that point, I don't have a way to be brave for them. I'd suggest thinking about ways that you have overcome fears in the past. You were afraid to jump from a high place and at some point you went back and jumped. How did you do that? You have the courage within you. It's a matter of finding it. I believe in you. 11. Odd question. I was in counseling for a little bit because of my depression. For some reason every time my counselor used my name I had instant panic and a rush of anxiety. My heart started beating even faster etc. What is that all about... For one thing, it's interesting that you described yourself as depressed, but your symptoms were anxious. That happens, but worth noting. But there's a history here, and I can't tell you what it is. One's name is a private thing, so perhaps at that moment when the therapist said your name, you felt that they were getting too close to the core you. But perhaps not. The thing to do is bring it up. "Hey, every time you bring up my name I get anxious." It's worth asking yourself why you're more comfortable asking online than in person. That's an OK thing, it doesn't make you a bad person, but it's worth thinking about. I wish everyone well and hope for a brighter tomorrow with you. Thanks, Ms. Morton...

Answering Kati’s question in question two: it’s extremely hard, but opening up is extremely reliefing. It just falsely feels that it’s easier to stuff it down than talk about it. And I definitely don’t like/struggle (in kind of positive way) with hearing answer to question four... so much to deal with, too much for me :/

1:01:04 my stepdad kinda dipped (first he was unsupportive and then he lost touch with reality but whatever) when my mom was dying and that definitely gave me all brand new attachment issues. My step dad also turned on *me* after my mom died. He was my stepdad since I was 10… and I believed in their love for each other it was quite a blow. So I totally agree that attachment issues are *only* from childhood

I just love your honesty ❤

"You can get help anytime." and me watching who can't find even a psychiatrist. For months.

Being okay with not care of yourself in the way you are expected to as a adult is very hard, since people around you are only okay with it to a certain point.

Katie you’re just the darndest thing! I’m so happy you posted and I love having you in the background while I do things. Just learning while earning self love and care. Absolutely happy you started doing these and have been here since the 3rd podcast!

Your wonderful, you’ve helped me find tools for anxiety I can’t thank you enough. We need more people like you in this world. 💗

It's wrong to become attached period. That is not therapeutic and and if my therapist ever thought that I was doing that,I would have to RUN AWAY. That gives me a way out. I feel worse,but I cannot tell him. He has more people to attend to. He keep being pushy with me on issues,and I have said no,but after I wrote him a letter stating that I needed to feel safe with him,( cause I feel naked because of being exposed. I told him that I needed a blanket and the light on!) He laughed! I suppose you are too! Hugs to you!

I absolutely LOVE the new OTDM merch art! So fun and professionally done! 💯💯

That last question about being called by their name and reacting to it, is something i relate to a lot. I have yet tobring up the courage to get therapy, but because of how uncomfortable/scared it always made me feel when people said my name in school etc, I ended up changing my name when I turned 20. It helped me "restart" my life so to speak, but as I've grown up and healed, somewhat, on my own and started watching Kati as well as realizing I need to prioritize myself... I'm slowly realizing I need to go to therapy and deal with everything. And I will, when I get a new job etc. It was nice to hear that it's not just for me that hearing someone use my (birth) name is triggering, though.

I've never felt pressure to make eye contact during therapy. Or even thought about it

I watched all your videos in Ireland and I actually moved to los angeles last month and I'm still listening. Your a life saver 🙌

One of the things to know about mental health in Australia is that you can get a mental health plan from your GP which offers 10 (I think they extended it for covid) subsidised sessions with a psychologist of your choice. So your first stop in Aus is your GP.

Hey Kati, thank you so much for all your work ❤ I really appreciate it a lot and cannot thank you enough. Maybe it's me, but I somehow find you're seeming not as happy and free as usual? So yeah maybe I'm just totally wrong but I just want to tell you that I hope everything's good and that I'm sending all my love to you. I'm just so grateful that the world has you in it ❤

Question #5 kicked my butt today in a good way. I’m totally doing this now with my therapist. Your answer surprised me but helps me with the direction I need to go and understand why this is happening

Happy OTDM!! Everyone 🤗

Thanks Kati, as always you are there to help us out... Keep doing what you do.

5:53 in, 🙌🏻 Yaaaas! Just be yourself! All of our “ism’s” as we convey our thoughts in body language and speech are what make us beautifully unique. If you had tried to be perfect with your videos, it would have been counter productive to your awesome messages and it’s wonderful that you overcame those fears. We love you just the way you are. ...Have I mentioned your skin is flawless on camera! 😍

So thankful to have had my question answered :) thank you Kati!

So happy to hear you dear Kathy

Even though my EMDR therap is great,I am exhausted when I'm come home. The day after,I am very angry because issues are coming up. Thank God I don't see him more often because I would be crying.

Omg, yes the blank/ giving another bad answer happens to me every time! x)

I've never had strep throat, and my colds almost always start in my throat anyway. Colds just do that. It's not necessarily about having a weak spot.

Ahhh thanks so much for using my question. 😅 Just the boost I needed on a miserably day.

A follow up question to number 5..and to the other question that was asked below it(in the community poll) Can other people meaning not your therapist be a little bit not attached but obsessed about you? I have this personal trainer who seems a little bit obsessed with me...and maybe I am just reading more into it than I should be😅. When I post something on social media she is ALWAYS reacting to it ect... but it may not feel like it’s ALL the time..her mom babysat me when I was a toddler and the trainer helped out,maybe that has something to do with it. Anyways in the beginning I was obsessed with my trainer but that has eased and now I feel like it’s her being obsessed with ME. Like I said it’s probably me reading WAYY more into it than I should😅. Anyways thank you Kati and I appreciate what you do and you help me out more than you know😊🧡🌻

I needed this i didn’t notice the notification this time because of the amber alerts coming through so many women and girls being kidnapped lately here in Texas

Hard relate to question 9 at 57:40. I'm a twin, born early and spent time in an incubator. My mum was (and is) so emotionally neglectful and abusive around my trans identity and sexuality. I've suffered from extreme anxiety and depression as a result & attached to older females in my life. Never felt less alone & more validated that I'm not going crazy.

Love your videos Kati! Lots of love from Australia 🇦🇺 💗

Remember they are noticing your behavior to help you, not to judge you.

Thank you.

I can identify with the name thing of feeling too seen. It feels really... like vulnerable or even naked to have someone say your name at certain times.

Accompany me? Hysterical! No, he can't hug you!. I a want a blanket,but IF I brought one in,he would be asking me why I brought it to the office,especially when it's hot in Austin!

Your friends with Lindsey sterling!? I love her music and my yoga instructor played one of her songs in class. I liked it so much that I got over my anxiety and asks the instructor who made that song. Long story short I think it’s amazing you know her and are friends with her.

#5 I'm there too and it's just so upsetting. I know my therapist doesn't really care about me and I know I'm not meant to give a crap. But to me it's binary - either it's ok to want support, or it's not ok and I'm garbage for even wanting it.

Question 5 cuts out on the Spotify podcast and comes back when it’s being answered

Yessss here we gooooo

Is it “normal “ to create people in your head Like I even imagine myself as a better version of me ,meaning a happier and joyful me. I was just wondering because I do this a lot.

I’m starting to think that I may be the victim of the victim of the parentified child. My sister was the parentified child, and she acted as my second mum, which I despised her for. Hmm. Our relationship now is nice and normal (I think) but it caused a lot of strain and unhappiness within me as a child, which led to a lot of negative ramifications which I tried working through in therapy. Interesting!

If I make too much eye contact with my therapist, I dissociate, so I tend to just look at him quickly so I don't dissociate

I haven't watched the vid but wonder what the answer is in the context of group conversation because I often have negative experiences or thoughts that I'm reluctant to share in groups for obvious reasons.

about eye contact if the client looks at your forehead or at a dot behind your head - is it possible for a therapist to know that the client is avoiding eye contact?

Hi forst comment. Thank you.

Hey Kati I been trying to get this question answered for weeks now can you please answer it soon please Hi Kati can you discus complicated grief and how the pandemic may cause that in same cases right now .I was wondering because my family just had my stepsister funeral the other day and some we had to wait a whole month to have it to know if the grief is now considered complicated grief because of how long it took to have the funeral because my stepsister actually passed away last December do to car accident? I’m doing fine I just want to be there for her sons because her death has been tough especially for her middle son (since she has 5 sons) 1 the funeral took a month to be done because of the pandemic 2) her sons had to plan the funeral Could the pandemic and be considered complicated grief or is it more of a trauma so would it be a ptsd diagnosis because of when it happened and it’s been a month since the funeral

❤❤❤❤❤

I am terrified of going out cause it's been 30 yes. Yes. I said 30yrs. My therapist wants me to talk about sex. How in the world would that help me go out?

I can dead arse look my therapist in the face and be disociating.. Eye contact doesent mean I'm present at all i do have times where I cannot look thou,

Please collab with Jessica Kent about addiction childhood trauma depression

Oh my gosh that is so funny! “How would you like me to accompany you right now “sounds like you’re on a date at a very fancy restaurant at a wine tasting.

i wish you were my therapist lol

Is massaging your ha nds normal???