How Do I Set Boundaries with People? 

The hardest part about setting boundries is setting them with people who previously walked all over you and now they get super pissed to the point of having full blown melt down tantrums (yes I am speaking of other adults) when you speak up for yourself and express that you expect to be treated better

The biggest way I'm setting boundaries this year is by not needing to explain myself to people. I've always struggled with needing other people to understand why I do what I do. I'm learning that people with a genuine interest or those that support you will ask and everyone else doesn't deserve my time and energy. This really helps with bringing more joy and peace into my life!

“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.” ― Ernest Hemingway

Super important to enforce boundaries because if you won’t, no one will.

Your very own mental peace doesn’t have a price. Setting boundaries helps to protect your own peace of mind. ✌🏼

Boundaries are so important, but so many times we feel too guilty to set them, or to put ourselves first. Thank you for this important reminder that our mental health is more important than trying not to look rude. Self care isn’t selfish ♥️ Thank you, Kati!!!!!

We get to decide what is and isn't allowed in our life. Boundaries are a necessity.

I teared up during that exchange bc I experienced almost verbatim that interaction and it's so hurtful. I try to acknowledge my shortcomings and areas that I can improve on, but they never seemed to acknowledge their own. And it just hurt so much. Thank you for helping people better deal with these situations, Katie. You're doing so much good for the world.

emotional boundaries=emotional well being

For me, setting boundaries was really triggering at first. It still can be. I’ve been called selfish, combative, and overly sensitive in response. In reality, people who cannot accept boundaries are often triggered by this behavior and will lash out. Couldn’t be me !!! 💁🏼‍♀️

I wonder how people who won't even respect the 6 feet physical distancing will respect any other boundaries we try to set with them.

Wow... this mock conversation is actually one I have often with someone I love. I’m going to try these techniques instead of placating to get the conversation (lecture/rant) over with. I’m tired of being scared to stick up for myself. Thank you Kati!!

I'm in my mid-50s and have never, not once, ever had a person react well to a boundary--in fact, it's always 100% been the end of the relationship from the moment I set the boundary. It's still a good idea to stick to the boundary and let the other person react as they choose but nowadays I'm always aware that most likely, my setting a boundary is going to result in the end of a relationship which has always, 100%, every single time without exception, been the best possible outcome for all concerned.

this is the EXACT conversation I had with a close family member that I no longer consider close. She called me ungrateful, that I was the only one that had a problem with her speaking to me, and she claimed that “I was lashing out my insecurities” on her. Thank you for putting my feelings in such a comprehensive video, I feel very much seen ❤️

The script of the person being confronted was really well written. Especially the narcissistic type who can't believe they are wrong, and tries to guilt and blame the person whose feelings have been hurt (even when they are being calm and reasonable) I'm all too familiar with that. Although unfortunately, in the past, I was probably not as calm and well-spoken in response to getting aggressive pushback when asking for a little decency and respect.

Setting boundaries is so crucial even though it’s hard sometimes, I definitely need to work on it more!

I struggle huge in this area, I tend to people please and give in to what others want from me instead of setting healthy boundaries and standing up for myself (in a kind and healthy way of course). I have a long term boyfriend and two daughters I really struggle with setting boundaries with, but as slow as the progress I’m making in this area is I’m finding that’s okay. Uugh it’s rough having such a hard time speaking up🙈 but I am empowered to know it’s okay to and I can! Thanks Kati!!

I grew up in a family where boundaries either weren't set or applied consistently so I didn't learn how to do so until I started therapy in my mid 30s. Now, not til my 50s do I enforce them - i have whittled away those who consistently disregarded my boundaries. It took awful impacts on my physical, emotional, mental health to make me realise I had to do so. My MIL is toxic and I haven't spoken to her since 2017. Stay safe and best wishes from Australia xx

It’s so hard especially if you have a narcissistic parent. Thanks Kati ❤️

“I know that these examples are a bit more intense than most of our issues with boundaries...” When you said that, for the thousandth time, I felt validated. It wasn’t an extreme example for me, and I just need to write and say sometimes that I experienced almost every example, nearly verbatim. I don’t even know what saying it aloud does for me yet, but I’m glad I have a therapist, and I’m glad you posted these exact examples. I left a bad relationship at the end of last year, and I’m still longing for some way to talk again, but it just wasn’t safe, and I can only be responsible for me. Thank you! You are good at what you do. Very grateful for your channel.

I'm trying to encourage my friend to set some healthy boundaries in relationships and with work, but they have so little self-esteem, they don't believe they're even allowed any or are worthy of having a ground to stand on. Also in my own experience - once you build yourself up and get over the fear of conflict, upholding boundaries is much easier. The hard part is realizing your worth.

My biggest problem after struggling with establishing my boundaries is the guilt in the aftermath - especially when I say that I'm not going to continue to interact if the behavior continues. --and then they continue. --and when I stop interaction, they are fine with me out of their lives. The pain and guilt are so ENORMOUS, and it's the biggest problem in my life right now. The same people who were constantly telling me that I was a "doormat" were fine with walking away if I continued to draw a line between what was acceptable and what was not. Now I am extremely lonely because I have lost the most important people in my life.

7 ways to set better boundaries👇👍 Get crystal clear on your priorities. Communicate what you will and will not tolerate. Listen to your gut instinct. Think about the impact of your actions. Do things because they make you feel good Offer an alternative. Be direct and firm with your answer.

I'm scared, when I try to set boundaries, usually people are verbally and phisically violent.

When we set boundaries we need to make sure that we allocate some emotional resources to enforce the boundaries. Love and Boundaries goes together. Thank you Kati ❤️🙏,

I feel like since I have the tendency to internalize anger, this has sometimes been a problem. Kati, that would be an interesting topic for a video--internalized anger.

Jerk Katie sounds a lot like my toxic sister lol. Our fights have been bad mostly on her yelling, insults, and manipulative guilt tripping. Slowly cutting ties because no matter how many letters I've written to her explaining how her behavior impacts me or how many times I tell her in-person, she doesnt change her manipulation and gaslighting. Some relationships are not worth fighting for when no matter how much you want to idealize it. Knowing your boundaries is important to keep yourself balanced.

I love that buddha frog behind you :3

My fave vids you do is always about boundaries. I regularly block people that don't have any boundaries and try to to be pushy to get me to let go of mine...not a chance! I also learned that I cant be friends with people who have no boundaries because they are always playing the victim. You're vids have helped me so much while I have been struggling with drug addict prostitute roommates.

The importance of proper boundaries can not be overstated. I used to have big problems with setting boundaries, until I finally took a class about setting boundaries with a skilled medium. Learning this from her was hilarious, because she would for instance use her clairvoyance in order to demonstrate to participants of the seminar where their „weak spots“ were. She would in a humorous way „push our buttons“ (which are different for each one of us) in order to completely disarm our defenses. Which she would then use as a basis to help us work on our personal issues. We also did a lot of role playing, which was fascinating. Two important takeaways from this for me were that many people have a completely „wrong“ concept of what boundaries are. For instance, it became obvious that some people live in sort of symbiotic relationships, where none of the participants have individual boundaries. These people mistook that „common soup“ they were swimming in for what in their mind, a relationship should look like. The second takeaway was, that if the other person ceases to set boundaries, then even when YOU have the best of intentions, it becomes hard, maybe almost impossible to respect the other one‘s boundaries - simply, because they are „invisible“ to you. So by setting proper boundaries, you are actually helping the decent people around you to treat you better. As was said in the video, that doesn’t necessarily work that way with for instance narcissists. But even with them, setting boundaries makes a positive difference: Instead of „living in hell“, it at least helps you to keep your OWN space clearer. The other person may still be who he is - but it will become a problem outside of you, if that makes sense. I feel there is a lot more to explore about boundaries, how to set them and how that affects us, so as far as I‘m concerned, I think more videos about this important topic may be helpful.

The funny (not funny, just ironic) thing about trying to set boundaries with someone is that this wouldn't be possible in some scenarios. If my mom came at me and was yelling hurtful things, and I tried to speak to her, she would yell at me to shut up. If I so much as open my mouth, she'd yell at me to shut up. So it's very very hard to have a genuine conversation with some people, especially if they're angry and have certain mental health problems. They are not willing to listen to anything. Personally, I kept my own boundaries by walking on eggshells in the house and only leaving my room when she isn't awake or nearby. I moved out when I got the chance.

This was actually really helpful and if nothing else, it helps me to reaffirm how important my boundaries are and that I deserve to have & defend them. Thanks Katie! ☺️

It is best to be clear from the start and being honest about it. Also being serious. Even if it would hurt others. But it is ok, because they are having a hard time to adjust to the new boundaries. If they constantly ignore the boundaries, don't feel bad for the person. It was their choice to ignore.

I'm going through this right now with my Mom. I am a disabled adult living with my parents, and they have been extremely supportive of me. I have a basement apartment. I am 32 and my Mom still walks down whenever she feels like without knocking and without notice. There is no lock on my door. I've brought this up a few times before but changes rarely stick. Honestly I just need to get a lock. I'm getting paranoid and defensive of my space and am always tense from worrying about her eavesdropping on my personal life.

These role play scenarios are really really good Kati. Really looking forward to see more. It felt very practical. Thank you :) ❤️

Embrace your healthy boundaries.

What really stood out to me is "I wouldn't say or do that to someone else." That is such great insight to have when setting a boundary. The fact that you are not willing to accept something you'd never do to someone else is powerful.

Thank you for this video Kati! I’m going to stick to my boundaries as best I can. Having this example was really helpful and gave me confidence in approaching the conversation. Take care and all the best to you, you’re a lovely person!

you have no idea how much this vid helps

Thank you Kati I really need this video today. Thank you for creating this wonderful video.

JUST WHAT I NEEDED!!!!

High quality and informative videos. Thank you Kati.

Yes, with narcissist it is kind of impossible to set boundaries. Maybe grey rock method instead?

I can always count on getting the topic I need from you every week Kati. I'm in the clinic right now and your videos helped me a lot to get through tough weeks, it keeps my mind of things and I'm actually starting to get really interested in psychology. Thanks for your great work. :-)

Thank you for this video. I’ve been working on practicing setting better boundaries and I’ll need to practice even more since I’m about to start grad school to be a therapist! 💚

How perfectly timed Kati!! I don't usually comment but I wanted to thank you for your work I've been following you for a while now and you have been a huge resource and support. Thank you, thank you, thank you 💛

Kati, your videos are always so helpful. Thanks for all you do! I've been watching a lot and they've really been helping me!

I have been struggling with this for ages. Recently I have tried to stand up for myself a lot more and actually even "broke up" with some friends who never bothered to check up on me unless they needed something. Hardest thing ever but so worth it.

This is absolutely excellent!! Healthy boundaries! Practicing ahead of time is so key. “Jerk Katie” that’s hilarious! You rock, Katie! Thank you for another helpful and informative video!

That "simulated" argument is exactly how my arguments with SO tend to go. Scary!

This is what I've been trying to learn this week. Setting and accepting boundaries. As someone with Bpd my relationships are super chaotic with out them in place 😶

Well, this is very fitting for a current situation I'm facing. Thanks so much!!

The conversation with yourself was a flashback to my marriage (now non-existing for good reasons). It did get to the point where it was just too stressful to put up boundaries. Now I am in a better place emotionally, physically, and mentally….and working on self-care. Thank you for your videos! Love them! Also, am I losing it, or do I remember you saying you had a journal in the merch section? I didn’t see one.

This is wonderful! Very helpful -- thank you Kati!!!

Thanks for a new video Kati, hope you're having a good vacation!

Great content from Kati as always, one of the best mental health videos out there!

You are a blessing to this earth for the suffering people, Katie.

This was REALLY helpful and useful for me! Thank you! I hope you had a wonderful time on vacation😊! Have a wonderful week Kati😀!

This role playing you did was super helpful. Thank you!

Really needed this, thank you

Omg the part where mean Katie asks nice katie why she is trying to start an argument. I get that all the time if I have a different opinion from a certain person in my life. It's like a roadblock to having a meaningful discussion with differences of opinion.

I never heard of the term "setting boundaries" or knew what it was until my late 30's. I learned how to set healthy ones through CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) meetings and literature when I started my self care journey about nine years ago. I'll never forget the phone call when I kindly set a boundary with my father for the first time in my life. After that conversation he never guilt tripped me again, and it made our relationship so much stronger.

Thank you Kati, from the bottom of my heart. You make me feel understood.

That role play was really good, I can see myself getting convinced by people like Jerk-Kati in my own life.

I have a hard time with setting boundaries at work, like being asked to work on my days off or doing double shifts, etc. I've been told that I can say no but it's still hard for me to say no to my boss because I worry I'll be viewed negatively.

I love that this was done back and forth by you Kati. On both sides.

Thank you for this video! I really appreciate your work

Great video! Now we just need a video about showing respect for the boundaries of others.

I needed this today. I’ve been having a hard time setting boundaries with my dad

Nice, needed this (also I feel funny being so early... this must be what my subs feel like when they come to my videos early)

Just start watching it but I already know that it’s gonna be super helpful (as always) love you so much and stay safe 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜from 🇮🇹

This video was very helpful, thank you for sharing :)

I grew up in a very negative family. Constant complaining, constant drama, the world and people are out to get you, don’t trust anyone, mind games, I had always done or said something wrong, and NO BOUNDARIES. I was walking on eggshells every day. I became an adult and realized how detrimental the mindset was to my entire life. I got therapy and slowly started setting up boundaries with my family and they worked! It seemed we all grew up in a way. Although, I did end up going low contact with my older sister with a lot of encouragement from my therapist. I still struggle with guilt but I have noticed how much lighter I feel and how my life really is better without the unpleasant relationship with someone who did not have any regard for my boundaries.

I'm so glad you incorporated that skit. I'm quite emotional and half-way through, my emotions makes me anxious and I can't articulate myself well. And my thoughts get jumbled and it feels like I'm facing constant backlash. It can be really hard for me.

That example was pretty spot on actually dam..

My sister in Arizona crossed my boundaries. She will never do it again. I refuse to talk to her as she thinks she is high and mighty and keeps running various members of the family down just to feel better about herself. I have had more than enough. The boundaries are set and will NEVER be crossed again! By anyone ever!

daaaaaaaaaaamn.... sadly i have heard many of the frases "jerk Katy" says spoken to me in conversations from people now i know are just not ok to have around... cheese i can't believe, now that i hear those frases (specially "your the one with a problem, nobody else makes a big deal out of this but you") as a third person MAAAAAN they're such a disrespectful words.... thank you Katy, for putting this into a light, really opened my eyes... i will literally practice your "calmed Katy" frases

The role playing example of setting boundaries was an excellent example of not only setting but maintaining boundaries. Sometimes I get frustrated when I set a boundary and it's not respected, but just like this video, it's the consistency in maintaining those boundaries and expressing how you want to be treated and what's not okay is what helps with strong boundaries. I'm definitely still learning maintenance, but it does make a huge difference.

The example was great thank you!!! 🙏🏽✨🌼💞🌼💞🌼💞🌼💞🌼💞🌼💞

Exactly the video I needed to see. Thank you

This is definitely something I struggle! I'm making progress though! :)

This was so helpful. Thank you for explaining things so effortlessly, Kati! :)

THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS VIDEO 🙌🏼

Finally set boundaries with my adult daughter. Haven’t seen her in a year since. This is difficult but she must learn to respect me which her father never taught her.

That example was great. I can definitely relate to it and it’s super challenging to set boundaries with someone you love. I feel like a lot of the times it’s frustrating for me to want me to set boundaries with someone because they view it as an argument when I’m only trying to have a conversation with them. People get defensive and only care about what their needs are. I have to learn how to stand up for myself and tell them what my needs are.

Hey Kati, it was EXTREMELY helpful to hear "nice Kati's" responses. Sometimes it's hard to form the words on my own. Your examples were a great starting place!

3:52 - I've been watching too many RU-vid videos. There are TWO Kati's!!! Love your video. Boundaries have been a word that's been on my mind lately.

I think that's one of the most difficult tasks in my life, to set and maintain boundaries

Thank you for this!

This makes me really happy, because it indicates that the way I handled a bad situation several months ago was the right way. I established a boundary with an employer, and the employer attempted to violate that boundary, and I decided to leave. It was a difficult decision, but it prevented me from being subject to abuse. Thank you.

Thank you for the example conversation. That is super helpful to hear

Thank you Katie, I needed this today.

WOW THat SKIT IS BANGER. that is so on point. which is great! Thatanimesnob said that we're not selfish, negative or whatever. We are demanding to be treated better and they become better versions of themselves too. Its not healthy to always be yelling at someone for every single mistake

Great one !! Thank you! You are awesome

That was Word for word the interaction I’ve been having issues with

Thanks for this. And this editing is awesome!!! I have never seen editing like this. Good work!

The role play was super helpful thank you!

I’m the past I’ve had MAJOR issues w/ boundaries, probably due to being on the Autism Spectrum. It was especially bad with older female figures.

I can identify with Jerk Kati as that negative inner voice , and see it in some of my former bosses too. When I first started practicing setting boundaries it was hard so I practiced with my best friend and partner first before talking to a problematic coworker. Once I got more comfortable I "scaled up" and set boundaries with various bosses and family members. Thanks for the video and the role play Kati, this was really helpful!

You inspired me Katie! 💚💛❤