I think it’s extremely weird and childish to throw your friendship away because you are in a relationship. Most of the time the friend don’t care you are in a relationship but it’s the fact that this friend all the sudden started treating you like you were a place holder until their man showed up and when they break up they come crawling back like nothing happened. All it takes is balance and communication.
This has really been a mind boggling situation for me. Since I got married I realize invitations don’t really come my way to go out. And when it was it was silently taken back. Mind you there are no kids in the mix yet. On the other hand I have other persons who will reach out and say they want to meet up and I make the time to do so. Friendship is important to me but after years of always being the one to keep things together I’ve accepted the natural progression of going from friends to acquaintances. Especially because people don’t find it necessary to have vulnerable conversations. Honestly, it hurts but at the same time some things happened that makes it seem like I can’t even be myself around some ppl. So it is what it is.
The friends may feel like you don't want to hang out with them anymore or they may not know how to adjust to you being married . Have you opened up to them about how you felt ? I would definitely check in and see what's going on. Sometimes single women are made to feel like they should not be around married women, and so, they end up distancing themselves.
I was having the conversation with a friend. Pour water onto those that water you as well. Also don't water dead plants. Be close to those who match your effort.
This has really been hitting me lately. I think this is important for women to have conversations about treating our friendships with value and significance. It is easy to place importance on spouses because there is more value that is placed on having romantic relationships . While it is important to safeguard romantic relationships, we, as women, can often neglect friendships because we do not think they are as valuable. I am 28 now, and my friendships are taking a shift, unfortunately, I am closer with my single friends; however, my friends who are in relationships are distant. I heard this from Pastor Charles Stanley a while back, and he stated " Friendships are to be treasured....... the most important attribute of life are friendships ." ... He is right, yes, romance is beautiful, and also friendships are equally as important ... especially when men can be so fleeing... Much Love, the U.S.A. ! I love this podcast.
Thank you so much for such a moving reflection. We really agree with the importance of still putting effort into friendships as we grow older, and safeguard/ nurture them with much more intentional effort alongside romantic relationships. We appreciate you so much sis, thanks for being a part of the community ❤
In Zambia, alot of married women are taught in counseling to avoid their single friends and mingle more with other married women as they like minded. When my friends go major changes such as marriage, I let them first set the pace of the friendship. It helps know what kind of boundaries they have set up.
It’s a part of life. Your partner and your children becomes you life. Along with work. It’s hard to pay attention to all your friends with som much in your hands. It’s not just you but everyone. Good luck with your future!!
@@jenniesmythe8188 spot on. 💯 As you grow things change, that is reality. Some friends want you to be stuck on 18 year old you while you are a 30 year old with a whole family. Sometimes you need to understand reality. Yes that is not an excuse to abandon friends, but more of managing expectations and communicating those expectations with those friends and trying to meet in the middle.
Sheesh definitely loved this conversation and it truly came at the perfect time. A lot of my friends have been experiencing big milestones such as getting married, getting into serious relationships, moving due to their careers & truly its been a huge adjustment but what I found helpful was having open and honest conversations with them about how to better navigate and integrate one another. Loved this chat ladies 🇿🇦🇿🇦
Yeah, this stage of my life sucks. My friends are married with kids, and all live out of state. Took 5 years, but I focused on building up my in town relationships with my single friends up. Mourning the shift in my 20+ year friendships is ongoing. Life stage changes are a trip. We're still close, though, just not as much as we were before. One of my friends, I haven't seen in 8 years but we stay connected by phone calls.
Ending & Starting my week off right! Illl be back to edit my comment later after watching of course. Love y’all, from ya American Sisterrr 💖🤗 This Friendship segment really hit hardd. Once again challenging and inviting different approaches and mindset tweaks. Thank you 🙏 I must say I’m a bit shocked you ladies didn’t touch on the ever growing “aesthetic/influencer” friendships and how those friendships are perceived they effect the real life friendship dynamics of the regular woman. Either way y’all brought the heat as usual.✊🏽🤗🙏 💕
Let's go! Glad you enjoyed sis and thankful you took away some helpful pieces! So we actually discussed this in our episode on toxic friendships here: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-PSCj3oFonSg.html let us know what you think if you get a chance ♥
@@tomysisters I just finished the other video, and Hunnnyyy 😮💨 made my edges SWEAT and I did not even move 💀 I cried because I’m that friend everyone calls for advice, to hang out and turn up & take pictures with giving 200% and always showing up, but let me be sick or having a bad day *crickets chirping* nobody’s there. Y’all deconstructed it with such precision 🤧. Which is a perfect Segway into this most recent episode because friendship encompasses more than what we were brought up to believe! I love y’all ladies soo much doing Gods work in the devils playground, the way y’all decipher the hardships, then provide solutions yet not “instructions” is truly the exact dialogue needed in our communities but I’m happy this starts with our sisters, I’ll continue to take the vocabulary and verbiage to my therapist because the huge leaps in healing have been life changing. And I’m shocked I missed that episode lol I got the whole bell activated🤣 Anywhoo, Love you sisters 💜🫂
This hit home for me. Unfortunately many of my college friends stopped talking to me once they had kids and got married. Those friends are now part of a social group for only Moms and wives. It honestly hurt my feelings that they have iced me out because I have not accomplished these things yet.. I eventually got tired of putting in all the effort... I’m so happy I have a wonderful friendship with my Mom, Aunts and siblings, and now even my nephews and nieces. Sometimes people grow apart, sometimes they’re only there for a season. I also have made more single, young working professionals friends from my grad program which is nice because I was really sad and depressed about being in my late 20s and not married with kids. Also my nephew gave me the best advice when I was down... “You’re the tortoise not the heir Auntie and I rather be the tortoise too!
I think in some ways friends should have reasonable expectations. Ive seen this with an ex friend of my wife. The "friend" never considered the fact that we just had our first child and were figuring things out at parents and a family. We needed to work on our marriage bc kids change the dynamic. We also had no village so my wife and I had to give eachother breaks and the breaks my wife had she wanted to spend time alone. She also had ppd. I dont know if it is a woman thing but you cant treat your frienda like they are a spouse. Once married, the friends family comes first and some women have an issue with that which is unfortunate. I saw some of the text messages the friend sent my wife and if I didnt know any better I would think it was from a jealous lover. Not to mention the friend would always compete with my wife or slight her in some way due to repressed anger. Have healthy boundaries on friendship and understand boundaries.
Totally agree, the women who are agreeing with this clearly are not married and don’t understand the dynamics of a marriage. Things are going to change when someone gets married it’s inevitable. This doesn’t mean you have to get rid of your friendships, it just means you have to prioritize and move differently.
@@neneleach22 just out of curiosity why do you think this happens with women? When I got married I saw my friend a lot less (Im male) and they understood. Now with kids I see them probably half as much, I still have no problems with my friends. They still call every now and then. I feel like woman friendships are almost like romantic relationships where there is a sense of ownership or entitlement to eachother. Of course not all are like this but Ive seen it with my sister who recently got a boyfriend. She use to go out with her friends every week now its twice a month and they are pissed at her. It is the weirdest thing. When my wife had a baby we were expecting her friends to come visit and get to know our kid. When our kid came they hardly even cared. What kind of friend is that. My friends call my daughter niece, some of her friends havent even met our child or only came by once. Its sad. I feel like there is a narrative that women have better friendships but I feel like there should be an asterik alongside that that says *if they are on the same life stage*.
@@jacobbaker4545 Yeah, women friendships are very different to men friendships and I think it's just down to how women and men are wired. From what I've observed, it's difficult for men to get offended with each other and when they do they squash it so quick. Women, on the other hand, can get sensitive and hurt easily by each other. Why you feel like women friendships are like romantic relationships is because they kind of are...but without romance. Women talk A LOT. We can talk from sun up to sun down about everything; opening up about our problems and relying on each other for emotional support. That's very intimate, in a non-romantic way. So when you go from spending all your time with someone and being each other's go to for emotional support, when a guy walks into the picture he steals that person away. Cuz now the friend is not going to be as readily available for the intense level of friendship they once had because she's now pouring that time into her man. If you didn't already know this, women are territorial lol, which probably explains why your sister's friends weren't happy. Women are also very empathetic, we feel everything. This is advantageous in certain areas of life but in others, it can pose a problem. Being emotional means offence is easy and you can feel hurt by the smallest of things. That's why women friendship break-ups are just as messy as the romantic break-ups sometimes LOL. On the other hand though, with men I just think things are not that deep. Men aren't as emotionally invested in their friendships as we are. That's not to say male friendships are surface level; no I think men have deep bonds with their bros, just without all the deep feelings and emotions attached... which I think is better because it's why men tend to have longer lasting friendships than women do. Luckily I've grown up with just brothers so I'm not that unhinged lol, but women are crazy. I can happily say this
@@jacobbaker4545 Sometimes it’s jealousy, sometimes it might be that they were using your wife to pick up men, sometimes it can be they feel awkward and not want to cross boundaries with her new life because they’re single so they’re not sure how to navigate since she’s married now. There’s so many different factors. Sometimes people assume especially if they’re single with no kids that you should be an old boring maid that shouldn’t go out and have fun because you have a family now. Sometimes it’s a blessing to let you know you’re now in a different place in your life and to find a different tribe that you vibe with in your new season.
I love your conversations over these different topics. I honestly feel its not healthy in the long run to make one's partner your best friend and everything all in one person. It puts a lot of pressure on the partner as well. Friendship like any relationship needs effort from both sides.
There really needs to be more conversations on big life changes on friendships and how to navigate it. One of my closest friends has recently had a child and our relationship has changed, I don't know how much I can message and im starting to with hold details of my life cause I don't want to be a burden to her, also if im honest I don't think she cares and has not for a while. If im going to be quite frank I actually don't want to her constantly talking about baby related things, its draining but I also want to be there. its alot.
Loved this podcast and understanding that friendships will change and we have to commit to this change. I am a young adult and feel this on a very personal level. Thank you all for the suggestions of ways to interact with my friends to maintain our friendship!
i have always been the friend who does the 80% or more like 95% for all my friendships and even my relationships with my mother and sister. over pandemic was the first time i truly needed help, and none of those ppl showed up. i went through the hardest two years of my life in complete isolation, and i realized none of my relationships were reciprocal. they were parasitic and i was being leeched. my empathy made me a target of their subconscious jealousy. the narcissists in my life all saw my sparkle but they subtly wanted me to fail all along. my givingness put me in a subservient place, although i thought i was just being kind. i thought they would show up for me, but that’s not what the pattern had been. the pattern had been me giving, them taking, and nothing else. i am 32 and i have never been invited to anyones wedding. i am no one’s friend because my self love disgusts women who hate themselves.
This is in response to the dilemma, but it would also be good for the writer to continue to look within herself to look for patterns that could be attracting the wrong people. Chances are, it may not be her fault and it's just the cards she's dealt but it is good to be introspective as well. This way she don't just leave things to chance and hope the unwanted don't come her way but she also give herself the power to control her situation and eliminate or reduce traits that attract the wrong bunch.
@CryptoMcash {TG} 🖕🖕🖕🖕 *I have about 5% of my portfolio in uranium stock, any advice on any other stock that I can grow my $300k capital to a million dollars, in July 21 last year I sold 19BTC*
As the married friend with a baby I have less and less in common with my single girlfriends. I am also a homebody but outside of this and chatting with my girlfriends on the phone I am finding it less and less fulfilling because we relate on less points 😢
Y’all are always so hard on women. Not you (the podcasters) specifically but women. Women are so hard on women. So what if your girl friend gets a boyfriend and doesn’t hang out with y’all as much. Maintaining relationships is important but so is having an understanding of the situation. Is this your friends first boyfriend?? Does she see this man as an actual soul mate? Does she try to get y’all to get to know her significant other or does she just blow you off completely. I mean there is context that is missing from this whole ordeal. Any of my friends could bail on me for a good month and hit me up later and imma still be tight with them. Whether it’s a boyfriend or any other type of situation. Women are socialized to compete with women for men and to compete with women period. Yes you miss your friend but you don’t own them jfc Also let me add being in a relationship and trying to hang out with your single friends can be hard. Because your single friends do shit that single people do that wouldn’t always be appropriate for someone in a relationship. Like when I would go out with my single friends we would always end up in a club and drinking and if a guy would approach me they would be like “ohhhh imma tell so and so” like..why we here then lmao. Why am I here?
Thing is, if we don’t hang out, and we don’t speak/stay in contact, then we aren’t friends. So seeking to spend time and maintain connection with a newly coupled friend is reasonable. If neither puts in the work, it’s a mutual decision to let it die.
When folx say single friends do things married friends can't... I just question their social priorities before and after marriage. Why does what you and your friends do, normally, change after a change in martial status? That's what confuses me. All my married friend's husband's love when I hang with my friends because... our normal way of hanging was never a problem for a married person. Talk to your single friends who don't know how to connect outside of "risky single" things.
50:23 yes, see that’s the thing too. When you’re going through life changes no one tries to get it and really be there. I won’t forget it, when my mom had become disabled. None of my friends could understand. Life just just continued to go on for them. Parties, boys, and fun youthfulness. To the point I just gave up talking about it. Bottled my new more responsible lifestyle in. Maturing faster than them. Like ppl don’t check on ppl like they use to either. And if it hasn’t happened in their life they’ll say” I’m here for you” but not be there… We heavily think more so this way towards romantic partners. I feel like women can be less secure and chill in our friendships because some of us have been burned by other women. It’s a common thing to hear as you’re growing up to “watch your friends(even family members) around your man”. “Don’t tell her all your business or she’ll get jealous”. Etc. These things subconsciously influence us to stay on guard with girlfriends. And those of us who naturally don’t trust ppl no matter what gender, would rather sacrifice or put friendships on the back burner for a peace of mind. * During bad times in a friendship*Then the ego kicks in and the slightest assumption/ disagreements/ lack of reaching out/ life changes / disappointments make you feel like f this I’m out😬no closure nor communication. I feel like there should be more classes on relationships , communicating , and maintaining it all. As I’m seeing it from a bigger picture now later in life. If I knew how to communicate better..I Would’ve atleast considered saving some friendships over things that I now see as really small but was Big and blk and white in my head back then
