How narcissists use *empathy* to their advantage 

My ex psycho would cry watching a documentary about the holocaust for example but had no empathy for me or the people closest to her. When my father and my dogs died she was very cold and couldn't understand why and would get mad at me, because I was sad and grieving. Neglect is the narcissist's secret weapon.

Ya know, the fact narcissists have ‘fully developed’ empathy (this is how I think of it ) but decide when and how to use it almost seems worst to me because they know what they are doing and it’s deliberate

I have witnessed my narcissist husband turn on the empathy switch to strangers sooooo many times. Just a simple example, when he was love bombing me when we courted, he said many times that he wanted children. The three times I got pregnant, the three times, he dumbfoundly reacted negativaly,:" Oh! No!", was his reaction and made me feel so guilty for being so happy, well, I reacted by pretty well caring, raising doing everything myself so to minimize bothering my hysband with our children. He never played, read books, disciplined, etc...But, when he would see a woman pushing a stroller with a young child, he would bend down with his fake smile, and say "Allô toi🎵🎶🎼🎵🎶! and baby talk with the child! To this day, when I see this behavior, just makes me nauseous ! So, to think THEY do have empathy, but choose not to use it, is sickening.

I could never understand my husband not caring when I'm upset, yet cried when all the fires happened near our home and he cried for all the burnt trees, absolutely ridiculous and confusing.

They can recognize how you feel. They just don't care, or even enjoy your pain and unsteadiness.

❤I’m tired of giving a narcissist an empty space in my head being rented out for free in my own head , it’s exhausting ❤😢

Empathy is the narcissist’s prime narcissistic supply for their very existence They’re predators for empaths

I told my boyfriend I never knew how hurtful life could be with a narcissist until I met him. Then I left and never went back.

I always noticed they appeared to have empathy until someone close to them got sick and it was like a light bulb turned off and the emotions left with them like they can't be bothered.

They apologize. And when you haven't quite figured out who they are or what you're dealing with, you say, "It's okay. I forgive you." Then they suddenly turn into an entirely different person and continue to attack and abuse you. It's devastating to realize that their empathy is reserved for "special occasions," like when they find it convenient, to receive accolades from others, to manipulate and control you, and maintain their image.

To me, “ empathy” requires both components: 1) intellectual awareness of what the other person is feeling or how they would react; but also 2) caring about what the other person is or would be feeling. I don’t consider someone without compassion to have “empathy”. Semantics I suppose, but ultimately, someone who weaponizes their knowledge of others’ vulnerability is not a good person, even dangerous, and must ideally be avoided. “Transactional”, “performative”, and “cognitive “ empathy seem to me to be the more precise and useful terms.

I asked my ex narcissistic partner why he couldn't show comfort/compassion to me when I was upset. He actually said he "didn't have it in him", and that he can't deal with crying because it reminds him of his own feelings. I thought that was quite insightful for a narcissist! So I ended it after this conversation but he tried to get back with me. This time, his empathy was used manipulatively. As I was talking about my frustrations with another person, he did hug me but at the same time, started trying to kiss me etc. Then when I pulled away, I was "cold"!

At my narc brother’s wedding I listened to his business mentor berate him for not being on the board of more charities in order to boost his image. “Performative empathy” is a great description of this type of con game.

OMG! Performative empathy! Thank you! That fully describes my 25 year experience with a "best friend" who just discarded me a day after my father's funeral, because, the same day as the funeral, her daughter got engaged, and I wasn't all over FB praising her. I was grieving!!!

You can tell from their face how disgusted they are at having to be nice and empathetic to someone in order to APPEAR kind and caring in front of others. Bc when no one's around, well, forget any form of support. It was all fake and they feel grudgeful for even having to fake it.

This makes so much sense. My husband can be so cold and uncaring with me, and yet be so kind to others. One time I told him I wished he could JUST treat me like he treats his workmates or strangers!!! Thank you. Now I know why!!!

Thank you Dr. Ramani, I was always confused by the niceness followed by the bad treatment after, and the gaslighting, leaving me thinking I was crazy . I would be left wondering what I had done, this has gone on for years. Thanks to Dr. Ramani it is becoming clear what and who is the problem and I am working on emotionally separating myself from this person.

I feel like I almost got through to my ex with an example I gave him. I told him “I’ve seen you stop to a stranger on the street who happens to be crying and say, ‘Hey sweetie, what’s wrong?’, yet when I’m crying, you tell me to stop.” He said, “Yeah, I have done that…” but stopped the conversation there. No apology and no signs of change. Breaking up was the right thing to do with him!

Thank you Dr Ramani! I have experienced this type of person. Someone who is a selective savior.

one of the worst is the religious hypocrite. acts like an angel in church, prays, novenas, but absolutely CANNOT show gentleness and kindness behind close doors. ugh!

True Empathetic people just do, they don’t brag about it or tell people- and follow it with “look what I have done”

I always thought I was living with a real life Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I never knew which one it was going to be at any given time. I couldn't keep up the change. 😮

I believe that narcissists empathy is performance and weaponized!

THIS. Thank you so much. I have been trying to untangle myself emotionally from a situation for several years now. The only communications that seem to make it through to me seem crafted to illicit a reaction from me, then i sound nuts for having the reaction...i keep finding myself in those moments saying "its like they weaponized the relationship we had," but this is a more accurate representation of that sentiment.

I had a feeling that my ex had enough empathy as long as he was praised for it, being celebrated as a good person and thanked to for being so understanding and such a great listener, always ready to help. Once something went wrong, he didn't feel enough appreciation or praise from the person, suddenly he didn't care. He could say all the mean things in the world but that was excusable because of his communication issues, bad childhood, past traumas etc, however if anyone else said something remotely mean, upsetting or he just interpreted it that way, it be brought up regularly and never be forgotten. It only mattered how it made him feel.

This sort of reminds me of how my ex repeatedly said he’s not afraid to admit when he’s wrong and then accused me of never being able to do likewise. I believed it for so long until one day I realized in 20 years I had never heard him admit that he was wrong once and he never apologized once unless it was the world’s most insincere and pointless apology. I’m so glad I don’t have to listen to him talk himself up ever again 🤮

I have become quite cautious of people when they have said or claim to be empathic. I think it is very much a characteristic that is really dependent on the experiences and judgements of other people who have had to deal with that individual person, than for that person to assess and judge themselves.

Oh my gosh it is so nice to hear Dr. Ramani use the same term I'd come up with for my mother: "performative empathy." She does stuff like that so often to the point I wonder if the people she is "helping" might feel awkward to tell her to back-off a bit... At family gatherings and events she is always jumping in to tear down, set up, do dishes, organize, etc etc... Even for events that really aren't related to her at all and she is supposed to be a guest... I know it sounds like I'm being overly critical with how little detail I am giving, but the performative empathy section especially is like "yup!"

They strategically use empathy … they know what they are doing…

Thank you for your courage to talk about things like this! This describes someone close to me that has confounded me for decades..and affected my own self-esteem. I've seen the kudos and even "fame" this person has gotten. Wondered if I should be doing more for my neighbors, etc...while I see opposite behaviors at other times. It's made me crazy. I've also had to learn the hard way to keep boundaries about help I'll accept from this person. Thank you for explaining this concept so well!

This is spot on. The hypocrisy is obvious.

So I've built myself up in front of him because he puts me down so much. I was secure and happy, yet lonely, before him. Peace is better than sometimes feeling loved depending on his mood.

Empathy is a weapon for personal gain to a narcissist, not a trait to work on. They are helpful and supportive when it's convenient and beneficial for them. It's like asking can narcissists be good people. The narcissists I met fervently champion social justice for marginalized, underrepresented groups. Some would cry over news about Syria and Ukraine being bombed. But they had no compassion towards those close to them and viciously attack and smear anyone who disagreed with them. I saw this all unfold both online and in person. Virtue signalers are the worst.

Never ever doubt your beautiful soul Dr Ramani. I so hope someone is there for you, in the same way you are supporting the nation. You are holding my hand and leading me out of my narcissistic abuse. You are saving me and keeping me sane each day. Xx

You’re not crazy until you become the type of person who when something really nice happens; instead of feeling a sense of joy and happiness…….you feel dread , impending doom, and fear.

I can’t believe this was posted yesterday! This message relates so heavily to what i’m going through currently and it all came to a head yesterday. This video is EXACTLY what I needed. Thank you Dr Ramani thank you so so much

I could tell he chose to turn off his empathy because he felt my pain/suffering/sorrow was caused from his abuse. So he turned it off to not feel shame and pain and instead of empathy, concern and change he blamed. Which shocked and hurt me more. So instead of empathy you get cruelty and blame because to feel the pain they caused is too much to bare. They lack the capacity to feel empathy consistently because it breaks down their illusion of their false self. If they aren’ t the problem or cause for your pain and sorrow they have plenty of empathy and trust me that makes things even more confusing and unsettling.

you gave my life back to me Dr. Ramani ty. i got rid of the guilt, and now i sometimes really fully enjoy my life.

I can usually only make it through so much of Dr. Ramani's videos. They are educational, but painful. I guess im still grieving the estrangement from my family due my moms boyfriend and her codependency on him. Her videos keep reminding me that what i did was necessary and that makes it even more painful and sad. Don't get me wrong, I am not the greatest ray of sunshine either with multiple mental health problems as well, but I have been through years and years of therapy. The truth hurts.

Such a an informative video about empathy. I've been wondering for last 2 years who is my partner of 4 years. Among other traits he's having empathy but it's so selective, cognitive, cold, calculating empathy if I can say that. Many many times I was tginkin: "no, he's not narc, he's having empathy". Roller-coaster of my own feeling, thoughts and assumptions. No! He does not have empathy. He just acts to keep his mask on!! Thank you doctor. I love you and all this community ❤

100% accurate. You are helping so many. Thank you!

Interesting, though, they have TONS of empathy for themselves and a list of excuses to back them up. One can't help but wonder if the empathy they might show to others is self-motivated. This is why I can't help but believe that such a person is dangerous to be around.

We have these neighbors we welcomed with open arms when they first moved in. Slowly we realized they were both communal narcissists. One time we were playing a board game with them including our kid and his daughter, both in middle school. His wife was way behind the rest of us and she declared, “Why am I losing. I’m the nicest person at this table!” We were all a little dumbstruck, but I found it very enlightening. There have been several other things since, but I am not very friendly to them anymore to preserve my sanity.

You’re amazing, please don’t stop sharing with us 🖤🖤🖤

I have been telling my therapist this scenario over and over about my spouse. Thank you for the validation.

My narc gives food and water to the homeless, saves turtles, feeds stray cats, and sucks up to every stranger he can while in public. While abusing his cat, abusing my own cat in the past, and like clockwork, causes horrible fights with me that often get physical about every 3 days like clockwork. It always gets blamed on me. Everything good about me gets reflected as if it’s somehow part of him. Everything bad he describes about me is overwhelmed, exaggerated, or else a reflection of something HE actually did. 😢 I don’t even feel like a person anymore. I have nothing to show for it but pain and suffering and debt and a pissload of broken promises from him. I’ll never trust another man as long as I live 😭💔

This video reminds me of another where you said Narcissistic Personally Disorder shouldn’t be a diagnosis. If they have empathy but deliberately ignore it, that is not a mental illness, that is a moral character flaw.

I used to go to school with a girl that fit this 100%. She had dreadlocks & would post all the time about how enlightened & empathetic she was because of her hair. Even going so far as to post how the world would be a better place if more people were like her. No contact was the only solution.

This is really helpful. My struggles have been with 2 specific ex friends that are narcissists. When you talk about how they are sometimes empathic and other times totally cold, where I would just feel connected one day and completely disconnected the next was so odd, but this makes sense. Because when I discovered there was something not right and had the education about narcissism, I distanced myself and then they used everything I confided and shared with them against me.

I'm kind of delighted whenever my narcissist calls, because I know I'm about get a good laugh, either with her or at her. This is a woman who did nothing to help when her parents during the years they were dying, showed up only to take as much stuff as she could when they passed and is only joins the conversation to talk about the inheritance. Of course if you ask her about this, she says materialism is a lower animal thing and she's deeply loving and caring of everyone else. When you give her enough validation, that's when she admits she's excitedly waiting for the aliens to pick her up because she's one of the special chosen people because she's one of the best humanity has to offer. Not joking, I've written toastmasters speeches about her.

A good example of the apologies from my covert narcissist father: I still remember (from 30 years ago), being terrified for my LIFE, cowering in my room with the door locked while he screamed and screamed and banged on the door and the doorframe, calling me every horrible thing under the sun… then, paralyzed, still cowering in my room for idk how long… eventually I would hear a gentle knock on the door. It was him again. He would say something like “I’m sorry I got so angry” but possibly throwing in why it was my fault… and telling me how he loved me… (this happened regularly, often in the car too) I was completely traumatized. A half-baked apology can’t repair traumatizing someone. He had NEVER understood or taken accountability and he never got better. When us kids grew up, my mom was only one he could target and she finally divorced him… When I got old enough I logically (and correctly IMO) realized that someone cannot really love me if one moment they are telling me I’m garbage, and then the next, saying sorry and they loved me. That is NOT a real apology and it’s not real love. Eventually the grandiose/delusional side of them will convince them that they never even did anything wrong and they will forget all about their abuse…

When people have empathy and choose not to use it, that’s resentment. Resentment is an adaptation and not a pathology.

My ex organized a big birthday party for me but when I asked to have, for example a strawberry cake because it's my favorite, he got very angry with me, telling me that he was in charge of my party. Needless to say, he made sure that everybody at the party knew about all the things he had done 'for me' and enjoyed the praises from my friends. Nothing on that day was about me. But he had very well anticipated what my girl friends would recognize and admire him for.

People who are really empathetic don't care who is watching. They show empathy to the people who are close to them. It's not an act!

I've just filed for divorce from my narc husband and there are times that I question if he did really have these empathic qualities. But listening to this video helped me so much today. His empathy, that theatrical performance empathy, became more and more superficial as the marriage progressed. He had only a short menu of empathy options he would choose from. It's like you said, it's not deep, it's not consistent and it sure isn't an appropriate feeling. So I thank you Dr. Ramani for helping to make this next step of getting free from the trauma a little easier. 😘

The only thing I never thought or experienced, that you, Dr Ramani, talk about is: Thinking it was me. Or thinking I wasn't giving them enough of a break I never thought that. And I'm amazed, saddened, to think that, on top of the abuse being laid on (whoever), someone, that they're questioning themselves (🥺), awful. But also, the enablers, wet f?!! And the ones who literally don't see it(?)!! Oh my god

I've seen people announce LOUDLY about how they are helping an elderly person to church for a holiday (the most packed day at church), very exaggeratedly helping them walk and get into someone else's car (who is actually tasked with transporting them). The same people who, when asked to take turns taking this person to church on a regular basis, replied, "If it is important to YOU, you should do it."

I genuinely think it’s a sliding scale; most humans have some kind of empathy. A few however have negligible amounts and heaps of intelligence which is socially dangerous.

I had a really hard time (cognitive dissonance maybe) with a Narc friend in and out of my life because he was always so concerned for the world and the downtrodden and always spoke of wanting peace and kindness in the world at large. But one on one with people close to him? He could be cold, dismissive and downright cruel... but there was always some excuse for it. It was hard to reconcile in my mind the same person who was out to save the world would shrug off a friend or lover like he couldn't be bothered if the people most intimate with him were in pain or need. Later, when I thought back on it, a lot of times when he was distraught over come injustice in the world- it would require a lot of care-taking of HIM. Like he would call me crying about how upset he was that there were so many homeless in his area, and I started telling him of programs I knew that helped the homeless- He didn't really want to hear about that or contribute to them... He really just wanted me to know how upset HE was about the situation. He actually said "Do you know what this DOES to ME!!" It was pretty exhausting babysitting his angst at times. But again, for a long time, I viewed him as this kind soul who cared so much about others... And then couldn't understand how this kind soul who cared so much about others made me feel like $hit about myself more times than not.

what a Narcissist looks for in a partner /victim empathy loyalty people pleaser conscience integrity generous honest weak boundaries avoids conflict Easily forgiving Very open about your life Giving Happy go lucky Willing to see the relationship to the end no matter what Can be easily controlled Selfless

Thank you for sharing your recent story on the fake empathy. I have learned sooooo much from all of your videos. I've experienced 3 narcissists in my life, all women. 2 ex friends and my mother in law. Your videos have helped me heal. Each one of those women all knew my vulnerabilities and used them against me once I stood up for myself. My mother in law is an abusive woman who is alone because of her behaviors. More of a covert narcissist. But the 2 ex friends are grandiose seeming to be "happy" with a bunch of friends. The second most recent narcissistic friendship ended fairly quickly because I saw so many similarities as the first one. I had been educated so I knew more, but still too late because I had opened up to her about some things she weaponized against me later on.

Dr Ramani, I can't thank you enough. Listening to these videos has helped my healing and moving forward so much smoother with the understanding of the situation I was in. This video in particular has allowed me to realise that there was no intentional love or care for me, and that is what the hardest thing was for me to understand. This empathy you talk of within narcissists my ex boyfriend was perfect with it. The realisation I had one day of how he could verbally abuse me the way he did but then be so nice other times. That is and what has been playing havoc on my mind. I'm really struggling trusting people and the kind words that are coming out of their mouths. I'm actually still thinking I'm the unstable one and not sure how I go back to the way I was. I was involved with him for 3 years.... I feel blessed it was only 3 years because this is a very surreal situation because it has messed with my head so much. Just thank you. Thank you so much.

Cherokee said it as “we all have two wolves inside us.” One is evil,the other has empathy. The one you feed is the choice you make. Let’s feed the kindness and the other wolf starves.

Finally I understand, WHY I do WHAT I do .... I am a Narcissist ! You got a new follower

This is what I wonder about my family. I have watched my family be so kind and caring to others. Then turn around and tell me "oh well, get over it."

24:00 in certain circles, empathy for "categories" (people in xyz conditions, animals) is highly valued, and if you show empathy for the bird in the small cage right in front of you, you're considered not smart, even stupid.

I have yet to hear a real apology

I had an exboyfriend who would always say “oh babe you know my depression gets worse around this time of year “. It was always him creating sob stories about how bad his life was. So he knew how to play on my heart strings very easily .

I think you are amazing. I'm a writer who has done extensive research on narcissism and narcissists. A month and a half ago I kicked my husband out of my house because I am too strong to put up with bs. He had lost his parents in a car accident and he was with them at eight months old. He grew up with his grandparents and somehow thinks it's ok to hurt everyone else. I also believe he was my stalker of three years. Thank you for your information.

Thanks Dr Ramani you have explained so much , I endured 5 years of mother and step daughter tag team narcissism and didn’t even realise what was happening to me ,I thought everything that went wrong was my fault . I tried everything possible to make them a better life but it seemed the harder I tried the worse they made me feel about myself , I suffered many breakdowns in private and was having anxiety attacks at work . Finally I decided to leave and start a new life on my own although I still loved her very much it was the best thing in the world I felt so much happier it was a relief to get my head back straight again it took about a year . Recently I discovered your programme quite by accident and everything you have discussed has described all that was thrown at me thanks my mind is now at ease because until you I still thought I was a bad person for leaving them .

I think that narcissist do believe they are the victims. They are in denial. They are delusional. They do talk about how amazing they are. I do think that they give gifts and love bomb as a weapon.

I soon figured out why my husband's first wife had so many diamonds..... Especially when I started making the connection to diamonds I started receiving.... If he thinks expensive jewelry makes up for his actions he's insane.... All it did was make me start paying more attention to the WHY am I getting these gifts, I always started looking at them with suspicion

Thank you so much for bringing awareness ❤️ I found this very enlightening.

Are you sure you don’t know me????? I never knew anything about narcissists until I watched your video. My first thought was “OMG, THIS IS MY LIFE”. Now I understand why everything is my fault and I understand why I thought I was crazy because my husband would said “I didn’t say that or yes you did say that”. Now, thanks to you, everything makes so much sense….. Please don’t stop doing this. THANK YOU

The bigger issue is a feeling of entitement. We have to be careful that we don't start acting like the narcissist and feel entitled to his or her empathy. But they feel entitled to other's empathy and accommodation, and are not generous in return for what they demand. To me this defines the narcissistic personality more than lack of empathy. They're simply more insecure and so more selfish and defensive of their own wants.

Your work has really helped me greatly. I'd like to add to the early stages of love bombing is that it took a good year and a half to realize that I fell hard for an ILLUSION of a woman who did not exist. Absolutely masterful at deception, Machavelian in fact. I never knew hurt so bad before and I have known hurt. Could not figure out how a human being could behave this way. So thanks for what you do.

I guess it seems to me that narcissists use their empathy in a strategic way. It’s a means to an end…that goal being…to procure narcissistic supply. When empathy won’t buy them narcissistic supply, they won’t use it.

The narcissist version of empathy is to be loving caring and compassionate to people who they haven't got to use abuse and destroy but they will be judgmental to someone who did what they did to you to someone else

Narcissists have cognitive empathy but lack emotional empathy and compassionate empathy (normal healthy assertive authentic humble people use all 3 daily especially super empaths )

Wow that first segment was really so powerful and absolutely what I needed to hear today. I've actually had these conversations with my partner where he explicitly argues that he doesn't and should not have to care about my feelings if he is upset with me. He hasn't seemed to grasp that relationships aren't possible on those terms. Once in an argument I had to ask him, "Can you please just care about me?" He seemed taken aback by the question, surprised I guess that I recognize that to care is an action for him, maybe he had not had the self awareness before to recognize that he can choose to care. He actually said, "Yeah, I think I can." and things were actually a bit better for a while. Before he slipped into grudgeholding patterns and started devaluing me again. The weird thing is I've actually told him sooooo much vulnerable emotional stuff about myself, but even when he's trying to attack me and and insult me- he never really gets it right. He doesn't understand that because I choose to be open about my vulnerabilities and shortcomings, and because I have self compassion, and self awareness, that his onslaughts of character attacks mean absolutely nothing to me. And it's very apparent when he just makes shit up and that doesn't touch me either because it isn't me. I end up telling him that his verbal abuse only makes his flaws more apparent. And I add that its astonishing to see that though I've shared so much with him over the years, he still doesn't know me.

My narcissist and their parent were the kind of people that do something nice when not asked and immediately tell me I owe them for the favor. This is the most confusing thing to me. Is it empathy when they know to do a kind gesture but why act like I owe them when I didn't ask?

This discussion helped me so much. My ex had empathy for strangers but none for me, his wife, his kids, or anyone he knew well. This confused me in that he was capable of empathy for others. At times, I wondered if I did not receive it because he thought I was a narcissist or such a bad person that I did not deserve it. My young, healthy mom died in an accident soon after my husband left the home after 20 years of marriage. I text him hoping he we call as he knew my mom. He texted me back," OMG". That's all I got. He then asked my daughter to ask me if I got an inheritance. Unbelievable.

But the problem is how to identify that someone is faking empathy.

Really good people, don't have to say they are good. It just who they are!

Thanks Dr Ramani. Yes..Borderline Narcissists do have empathy but they are "UNABLE" to use empathy when they are emotionally dysregulated. I witnessed a woman friend with BPD struggling very hard to stop herself from saying nasty things ,,she even ran out and went and sat in her car so that she can prevent more "lashing out"at me. She just could not fully stop abusive behavior while in that state of mind. I donot believe BPDs do it on purpose..it just happens to them.

Pseudo macro empathy. That’s what my daughter does. She tells me she doesn’t care about my feelings. If she hurts my feelings it is my fault for feeling hurt. Yet she makes blankets and such for hurting coworkers or acquaintances. I’m currently feeling sick over a conversation from this morning. THANK YOU

She would break down screaming and crying if something small didn't go her way. Then when a mutual friend who she really seemed to like died.... nothing. But i can't forget the first big discard..... "what happened to 'for all our days and true partner & match for life?'" .............. emotionless shrug

Dr Ramani, I love how your roots are showing, if you ever decide to go all gray/silver I think you would rock it !❤❤ love ya!

You are SO good Dr Ramini! You really know this subject inside and out! I smiled a lot during this video as I vividly recognised the traits in the 3 narcissists I know. It's so good to have these traits verbalised - spot on! 🙂

Thank you Dr Ramani. This is so true. Know of a narcissistic person who does huge acts of charity, but only when there is an audience: coffee mornings for poor single mothers with children, but behind people's back, they daily complain about "all these people on welfare who only have children to play the system". Or showing cruelty to family who have long term horrible illnesses, but a stranger with the same condition they help and then go around telling everyone for weeks about having helped this person. I've seen them weaponise someone's C-PTSD trigger, seen them rage at a doctor for things that are their own responsibility, and play at dividing people with completely disingenuous/strawman discussions about things they've done.... Sadly she has a daughter who is further into this behaviour pattern than she is... So many people I know have been so utterly hurt, but none of this made sense until stumbling upon your work.

What about when they have empathy for some members in the family, but not others? For example, my step sister's dog was having medical problems. On our weekly family call, my stepfather(my stepsister's father) asks every week how her dog is doing. He even asks my sister and brother how their pets are every week. My dog died in February, and following her death, he never asked how I was doing with it or how my other dog was doing. My mother died in January of 2022. He's never asked how I'm doing since losing my mother. It's all about him. My brother makes plans with him - golfing, going to the shooting range - and I can see how they've gotten closer because of the efforts my brother has made. I felt all I could handle was having lunch with him on Saturdays and being on the weekly call. More often than not, he ignores me. Doesn't ask how I'm doing or how my family is. My daughter graduated a few weeks ago and he never reached out to congratulate her or anything. I feel like it doesn't matter whether I'm there or not, on the calls or not. I'm invisible to him. Yet, he'll tell me at the end of the visit how much it meant to him for me to come out and see him. I just don't get it. I've been told my expectations are too high. I wonder sometimes if I am too sensitive.

I talked to my narc father about the lite edition of the struggles my brother and I went through. He shed genuine tears, he often gets moved to tears, but then he ruined it by opening his mouth to say: "What did I do that my kids must suffer so?" Way to go making it about yourself, dad. And yet, selfaware wolves abound, because most of our issues stem from having had all semblance of boundaries broken down in childhood and learning how to always put ourselves last. It *is* because of him, but his question was patently performative. So close, and yet so far.

Ramani is love❤

The performative empathy finally nails something that has confused me for years. My N let my best friend live with us when he was kicked out for coming out to his parents. I always wondered why but now i know it was to fill up that empathy bank.

My ex would usually tell me I was in my ego and I needed to just let it go. Then something would happen to him and he would rant about it and then get upset if I suggested he was in his ego. Most of the time I would enable him and try to help him feel better by pointing out his good qualities. Ugh!!!!!

I always appreciate your videos. You give a great view and lesson for those that have dealt with them. Anyone who says otherwise is not fully aware of the hurt it causes those of us who have been through it.

🎉🎉🎉🎉 you're awesome dearest kind doctor, you've been a monumental impact in my life living and learning, school of hard knocks this life can be at times, 😅😊❤ 2:04 that emp 2:11 athy is very tricky too, because before I was woken- before I was aware 3:03 3:04 3:05 3:05 3:05 3:06 3:06 3:07 ❤❤my world was difficult bc I took thingS to heart, TOO often, AND 2 FREQUENTLY on behalf of another person(GRAFE SCHOOL THROUGH.. 25 YEARS WORTH TILL AROUND 2020 AS I SAW YOU AND KYLE ON THE MED CIRCLE, YOU TWO IGNIGHTED ME TO HAVE PERSONAL POWER IF AND when faced with that slap of chosen ignored empathy- ah looney caramba - sincerely ❤️ infinitely grateful 🙏 to you and the sea of immeasurable wisdom leading me to personal inner peace then together marching towards a well balanced outer_inner & all around. You're an earth angel doc. ❤ honor respect appreciation and love, with sincere empathy, THANK YOU AGAIN 😊 ALWAYS LOVE TO HEAR YOUR VOICE, AS IT LEADS ME OUT OF A BLINDSPOT AND INTO A BETTER THAN YESTERDAY SELF.(I GENUINELY HAVE FAITH IN HUMANITY)

The best narcissistic SLAP~ when they know you’re hurting they purposely give away to a stranger exactly what you need , i.e., money, a compliment, attention OUCH ! 🔥

Wow! Great topic. Have a friend to date who truly believes she has empathy. She is one who almost cried when Ukraine War broke out, got angry that she felt nobody cared. Went on and on about it. But when it came to empathy towards me and especially my other friend who was going through a very rough patch, all she could do was belittle her behind her back, critical of me even being friends with her and I tell you, this baffled me. Also when it comes to animals, no empathy whatsoever! Claims to love dogs, but at same time belittles anyone who happens to own a dog or 🐈. Says get rid of them! My father once told me as a child, beware of anyone who doesn't have empathy for animals. I tend to agree.

My mother would humble brag about her good works, but the way she treated my father and I. 😣