How Not to Be Defensive in Relationships 

"People don't change when they are told what's wrong with them...they change when they feel sufficiently supported to undertake the change they already know is due."

That's why healthy relationships are only between people who know themselves and want to evolve.

You know what hurts the most ... when u admit that the problem exist and our loved one use it against us

Damn. “There’s no prize in winning other than self-satisfied loneliness” 😩

sometimes in a healthy relationship, it helps if we understand that our partner is coming from a good place and wanting the best for us!

I am learning to remove my ego and be comfortable with uncomfortable conversations and it removes massive tension and I love it. ❤️❤️❤️

*We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.*

My wife's good advice down through the years found a hardened barrier in me because I unwittingly had granted "parental status" to her in our relationship. She, of course, did not want this status in the first place. This "parental status" I assigned to her granted me the childish position I needed to ignore all of her very good advises. A non-competitive lover, she just wanted a 'partner in crime', not an adult teenager. It isn't always easy to see where you have gone wrong in your own life, what you have failed to reconcile (in my case, my relationship with my father). The best question you can ask yourself whenever you are in a fight with your significant other is this: "What if I'm wrong?" Once you're willing to share the entire story, the complete truth, with a professional. Get a therapist. Work it out. Life is far too short to waste on your own history.

So true! It is soooo hard for me to take criticism, especially because I grew up in a home where you just have to prove you are right and others aren't, usually this meant a fight of our egos. My partner is the one who helped me realize how pointless that is and that it is not about being right but feeling good. I still struggle sometimes, but I am getting better... A sentence that always helps me is: would you rather be right or happy?

I am not in a romantic relationship but I can relate this to my relationship with my sister, and it exactly work the way you describe it "people don't change when they're told what's wrong with them, they change when they feel sufficiently supported to undertake the change they almost always already know is due"

How do you guys always know what I’m going through

No one has ever hated themselves into self improvement

In my 10 years of relationship, Not sharing expectations and keeping a grudge over small things almost led to breakup. My husband suggested a simple couple questions game. I think it was "lovify" we used to play together. In this game you have to guess what your partner likes. Helped us learn a lot about each other. 💞

It's not what you say. It's how you say it.

I remember one day out of nowhere my wife started becoming passive aggressive and picking fights. At some point I realized it was the anniversary of her aunts death. When I tried to tell her I thought the reason she was upset was because of what day it was. I'll never forget her response. I feel it highlights what happens to our mentality when we are emotionally vulnerable. She said "I can't believe you would use that against me" That's when I realized she was mad at me because she needed me and I wasn't being there for her.

Im not defensive ur defensive

You can only help someone feel comfortable to admit they are in the wrong if they already had the ability to do it before you were bonded so closely emotionally. Some family cultures and psychological conditions make it so some people will NEVER accept responsibility for their errors.

I tend to become defensive not because of the criticism itself but of how someone delivers it.

Now we need how not to be offensive in a relationship.

It's also worth considering that people often act in counterproductive ways because they find the better alternative behavior too hard to implement. Essentially, doing the right thing doesn't bring them enough pleasure to account for the effort. Having someone they love supporting them and cheering to their progress might just be the extra reward they need to change.

Listening without a judgmental ear usually does the trick. Be proud of your partner for being strong enough to have different views. Love doesn't want us to marry or commit to a mirror of ourselves. The better Union is one of teammates where both people balance each other. I want someone strong where I am weak and vice versa. We get together to make each other stronger.

Truth is like a sword: if it's too sharp and drawn too brutally, it hurts. That was last night's dinner topic. Timing: 110%.

Consider how hard it is to change ourselves, then realize what little chance we have of changing someone else by criticizing

Don't expect this to work on someone, whose familiar love influences from childhood, was neglect. The more you reassure they're understood, the more they will do something unreasonable, for you to notice them. Because they don't know how to accept, the understanding and love you offer. They're looking for what they're most familiar with - neglect and retaliation. If they don't have that, they will re-create it. No matter how much understanding you offer.

The worst is when you're actually being like really genuine and sympathetic and just trying to help your partner and they don't want to help themselves.

Sometimes I fear that my partner doesn't love me for who I am, but for who I have the potential to be. When we talk about our relationship and I ask what can I do to be a better partner he says, "just focus on becoming the best person you can be." Seems like his story is that all of our problems are based on the fact that I'm still growing while ignoring his own faults.

The older I get, the more I understand how important it is to accept constructive criticism. It could be link between good and great

This video is amazing. I have been having trouble with my partner because I debate her like she is an opponent and get too frustrated. I need to treat her with love,care, and understanding. Even when I don't agree with her.

I find that in an argument, I get defensive in the way that I need to justify everything I've done. For example, my partner said that I wasn't supporting him much one day, and I apologised and said that I couldn't go on my phone as I had work. I had to justify why I couldn't do it, bc I don't want my partner to think I don't care. Which is actually wrong as I should've simply apologised and started to support him with whatever he was going through after.

I’ve watched this like 7 times now trying to understand it all fully

People only change when they want to. Even if you give your everything, your full support, they won't change if they don't want to

A question I often ask, "Will this help me achieve my goal in relationship?" That goal? To maintain or increase intimacy. Don't think we should treat each other as projects... more that we help each other heal and grow.

Could you guys create a follow up video on this where you give a few practical examples of HOW we talk about flaws without triggering our defense mechanisms? Thanks!

I have found that as a righteous couple , we are both stubborn passionate leaders, hitting heads is exhausting so I took a step back and agreed with him, often responded by saying “ good point , yes true”...., he does this now with me - finally peace ✌🏼

I love how the video is presented how some of the comments here are really worth reading. Thank you

Watched it with my 7 year old son. He gets upset if a feedback is not positive. We have agreed to help each other become better versions of ourselves.

The goal is the evolution of ourselves and our partner. This is so so good, I cannot even.

If there's that much criticism to offer AND it feels futile to mention things, then maybe it's time to leave? And the issues probably has to do with someone in a relationship that just isn't evolving at a similar rate? Everyone's free to choose: to evolve at whatever rate, to choose to stick around or not. Relationship should be not only tolerable, but also worthwhile.

The ego is a hell of a drug

And this also applies to the relationship you have with yourself!

On a wonderful way this hits home. Coming from America, and having gotten married to a Turk, I was floored by the "lack of accusations and blaming" that I was so accustom to state side. I knew I drank too much, I knew I used less-than-desired language when upset, but nobody ever brought my faulty character to attention. This changed my life and it urged me to start looking for a better way to do things and better way to live. I am a better person 7 years later because of the fact that nobody ever pointed out my bad habits and character. I have learned how to speak respectfully with people and how to stop drinking too much. I love this video. İt's all true.

However, this is PRECISELY the type of advice that has the annoying habit of showing up just a bit too late... after we've had a dose of our own medicine and have learned a hard lesson from our own thoughts and actions. But it is indeed always a relief of sorts to hear a well-stated analysis of what we've done.

The graphics are amazing. It’s like they are “dancing” with Alain’s voice.

When a crazed person approaches me, I usually give them some credence "What you got needs choppin', friend?"...They rarely are given any credence, this reminds them of when they were more like others. It tends to extinguish the urgent rage. You can usually reach peace, if it is your intention.

Well I faild in doing so and it cost me my somewhat toxic relationship. And now I lay in ruins... Thanks for the video

Thank you for watching liking and subscribing. Do you find yourself getting defensive in arguments? Let us know in the comments below. By popular demand our School of Life app is now available on Android, IOS and PC here: bit.ly/2R8n6Ed

I'm not what you think I am. YOU are what you think I am.

1:10 “There is no prizes in love for correctly discerning the flaws of the other person “ #deep💯

Something valuable that I wish this had touched on was when the person sharing their truth to the person committing the said act also does the said act. Ex: p1"you don't listen when I'm sharing something important with you." p2 "because you also don't listen when I share something important with you" a situation that becomes competitive in nature because an environment has been established where both partners behave so much like one another but only see the flaw in the opposite partner. Or when there is a partner who perpetually voices their grievances and another partner who doesn't until confronted on a larger scale. Is it appropriate to air a grievance when someone else just aired their own?

This is incredibly well done. Help someone evolve into the best of theirselves without confronting them. Don’t say the obvious to show them their flaws. The insight isn’t wrong but attacking someone will reduce the possibilities for them to change. We know our flaws because but because of the delivery we get defensive. When someone asks us a question we feel guilty about we may just pretend we don’t know what they’re talking about. If the knowledge is used as a weapon then we will get defensive. People only change when they feel supported when they know that the change is due.

Difference between attacking and working through things reasonably

_Your VOICE gives GOOSE BUMPS_ 💫

It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. People criticising you in a destructive manner feels like being poked by a needle. You realise they are not there to make you better but to relieve their frustration at your expense and to validate themselves at your expense.

Man this one is tough for me. On one hand, I can remember my previous marriage and the many conversations we'd have where my wife would be doing this very thing and I would try and pick apart her main point by showing where it's not quite accurate. All the while, if I looked honestly at myself, I'd see where she was right but I wasn't ready for that level of humility, openness, honesty, etc. Yet, I am now in a relationship where I see some serious issues in play with her and I have thought long and hard on how to bring it up. I can very much understand where the attitude of wanting to help will go further than just an accusatory tone, but I think it boils down to the fact that if the other person isn't ready, then there's no point in repeating the point! When they're ready, it will be good. But what that puts me in is a conflict between wanting to point out the serious character flaws and help, while still knowing that it may all be a waste of effort if the other person isn't in the right place.

This video is three days old and it already has 129,683 views. No surprise, coming from The School of Life. Another title for this video could be "Why we don't admit we're wrong even when we know we are wrong". Keep up the good work!

The effort and hard working on this channel is amazing

Damn my last partner was relentless about getting her point across to the point where it was borderline belittling. I expressed that I needed to be told once and give me some time to process and apologize on my own. The relentless scorning however had me close up and feel unavailable emotionally & this didn’t allow me to process and apologize with sincerity and kindness

I BELIEVE that love is a mix of strong emotions that u cant control like a skill. but practicing love with someone as a relationship is a skill ;) i loved the video btw=))

The ability to mutaully evolve is an important part of any relationship. Thank you for showing how to go on this path without hurting the feelings of your loved one.

School of Life is really teaching me about myself. Where were y'all a month ago? I am glad I found you guys now though. I can work on myself for the future.

well this explains why it took me so long to get on board with idea of change. wasn't just lack of self aware and motivation but i was scared so yea i did need that reassurance, i was unaware how to make these changes, where these bad habits came from in the first place. this channel's helped a lot with better insights, thank you.

This was one of the most insightful, helpful videos I've ever watched. Thank you so much for this. It made me realize a great deal about myself, and I can now move-on to being a secure type instead of an anxious type, since I'm self-aware now.

This hit hard. It might as well be what ruined my last relationship 😞 I miss her so much 😞

Thank you for this short lesson♡♡♡. It's not just true in romantic relationships but also in other relations between us human:). We need to communicate constructively but also with empathy to make the other person understand and willing to evolve themselves^^. Because in the end no one is perfect and we firstly still need understanding before critism or judgement.

2:03-- "required to attempt an arduous and miserable process of change... unless and until we reform ourselves, we would have no claim on the affections or forgiveness of the other." Thank you for bringing up that vital point. It's not the feedback; it's what we feel we must do to address the feedback. What actions are we supposed to take? It's not as simple as "drop what you're doing for good, and do it your critic's way from now on". What about moving goalposts if we do happen to reach our goals? What if we change into someone our partner likes, but we don't? Thank you for emphasizing how tough taking criticism really can be.

Oh my lord. This is why going through your own (lengthy) therapy should be mandatory before entering a relationship with another human.

I am definitely the HCP type. I dont go looking for it, I meditate, pray, goal hunt, exercise, work hard and boom, i am ready for war with everything at any moment and it’s the most exhausting feeling and every video only takes about living with these types of people and never how to change or grow and this video is a diamond in the rough. Thank you.

I love that I found this channel, I only wish I had found it in time to help my relationship. Now it's too late.

This is %1000000 what i needed today. Ive been in the feeling crushed and unworthy part for a long time now and im almost at my breaking point with it all. Thank you for this video, it gives me hope that my efforts to change arent futile.

I am presently surprised, that this is the right message I needed to listen to with what I have been working with my wife. Thank you.

I feel like an incredibly important art of working through this is to love yourself and be happy with yourself holistically. To be happy independent of anyone else so you can be happy with other people. This means that you understand and are are okay with your faults.

Man this guys voice is the best … Alain could you possibly record some audible books of some magical fantasy stories or folklore ? so we could just close our eyes and go to that magical realm w/ your voice… please … would be so supremely nice of you…probably would help cure insomnia all over the world too :)

as always, your insight into the human psyche and the course of love is both astonishing and oh so comforting. wish you would come to johannesburg in south africa....

while this is very true, i feel it doesn't help to teach me to compose myself when feeling like im being critiqued by the partner. i been be littled and embarrassed of so much as a child with little support of my own parent that in the slightest form of critique i would often be very defensive to a point its being toxic in a relationship. i want and need to unlearn that.

I’m struggling with this a lot, my partner might mention issues or litttle things but I take it so to heart. It makes me feel like I’m not doing enough, my mind straight away goes to how much of an awful person I am, I break myself down as a person. This then impacts my partner because they then don’t feel comfortable discussing things with me because it’s not really going to end with a ok I understand kinda reply. It’s something I don’t want to keep doing but it’s like I then feel so overwhelmed because I think I’m doing so well in life and this little comment could bring me down ...I’m tired of it, I’ve discussed this with him that this is a me issue and not him and that he should be ok to discuss things with me...Im just looking for answers

Relationships actually take so so so much work, but trust me if you're the only one trying to make it work, and the other person gets defensive and doesn't see the issue, then you should leave such relationships. It's only going to kill you inside knowing that they don't value you as much as u do them.

He's talking about me, isn't he ?

being in love these days is really like being in a fight sometimes...where the only cure and relief for self-sufficiency in a relationship is physical desire. i could be wrong lol

Every well considered criticism is handled as both correct and yet needing to be wrapped up in an extra=ordinary layers of reassurance !

People are too used to others bashing them for a failure. The expect that from their loved one too. Sometimes you can try and be nice and accepting, but the other still will just receive pain and hurt. Cos that is not coming from you, but coming from their feelings about themselves. Sooner or later the receiver of bad information has to take responsibility for behaviours, and try to see the love and acceptance that is actually offered by the other, and not project past experience overlays of unaccepting people onto the new person! We all need to ensure we don’t bash others to harshly for mistakes, or we just perpetuate this cycle.

I can't tell you the number of times I told my ex to stop weaponizing my problems against me.

Truly it is better to be single and truthful than to cling to a relationship propped up by comforting lies. I'd rather be right and be miserable and lonely than compromise my basic honesty for a chance at fleeting happiness.

The criticism isn’t constructive instead of it being constructive it’s destructive, you’re lazy , you don’t like to clean etc instead we should always encourage them in Our words and keep the idea peaceful and constructive as humanly possible. It’s best to be mindful if we would like someone to speak to us this way , the golden rule is Eternal

They make a fair point which is why sharing information is difficult in the first place. You could very much give away your fears and weakness and they could very much use them against you to destroy you emotionally. I have experienced this more then once. However lying is not the proper solution but withholding certain things until you feel more confortable sharing it. If this happens to be something heinous or horrific or devastating to the partner like cheating though its better to deal with it as soon as possible instead of lying and withholding that information and letting it build up and explode over time which in that case the longer you take to share the crime the more destructive it will become and if you have no intentions of ever sharing this information and your partner digs up and uncovers this truth themselves all liability you had and loyalty your partner had in you is lost. They no longer trust you and they might recent you forever if not for a very long time and once that trust is broken you may never get it back even if you go through the lengthy process of making it up to them and redeeming yourself. That's when being selfless and owning up to your crimes might be the only option you have left by being truthful and apologize for the damage you've caused and then doing the very thing you refused to do which is free them of the constant reminder they will have constantly by being around you by choosing to leave. Sometimes freeing them takes you choosing to be alone and live without them and that's even if you feel you can't live without them. That's apart of looking pass your own wants and needs in that moment to do what you know your partner deserves and it might be the only true way to convince your lover that you ever loved them in the first place.

1:50 I thought that hook was gonna stab him in the head Honestly im dissapointed

We go into denial when people tell us we have a problem. Denial is a defensive mechanism.

The hardest truth to admit..."Love Wins"❤️

Well we can say that I have failed miserably at everything in this video. When I'm hurt, he defends et doesn't say sorry, my emotions are denied. I have to fight to get some empathy, I end up giving him proper critism. When I'm not hurt I apolagize. And the distant avoidant thing. I've left because of all that. Can't deal with it anymore.

🦋 (this video) O/ / | (me) /\ Is this a personal attack?

I can see this happen within relationships. On the other hand, is the "accuser" always right"? I mean what if an accuser says you are dependent when in fact, you and everyone else you know, would say otherwise? Or perhaps they have a tendency to "project" their bad traits on to you? In other words, are you defensive if you "defend yourself" against accusations that seem genuinely untrue?

This just shows the power of healing❤

Hey there! I just watched your video on "How Not to Be Defensive in Relationships" and it was spot-on! We've all been there, getting defensive when our partner says something that rubs us the wrong way. But your guide really hit the nail on the head, showing us how to break free from that defensive mindset and communicate more effectively. Thanks for the awesome tips! Keep 'me coming!

Agreed it's not important to be right, but giving false assurances to wrong behaviour or being quiet is actually worse and more damaging

So essentially, the truth hurts, if it's used as a weapon. Such a deep insight.

I'm putting some of these videos into a playlist to listen to on repeat when I'm upset.

oh gawd! another hard hitting truthful message delivered by Alain...I have so many things to re-look in my relationship....i just wanne cry again..

Unfortunately, I can't say I agree with this. I don't get defensive because my partner is right. I get defensive because my partner is wrong. However, a good point was made in that there is 'no winner'

This time last year I took a vacation with my older cousin. She started going in on me about everything that’s wrong with me and how ‘concerned’ she was for me. It ruined the vacation, and after I realized how hurt I felt by her criticism, I have no desire to talk to her again. Why be so unloving? Nico in her song “These Days” sang *please don’t confront me with my failings; I had not forgotten them.*

I went into love too early, It took me months of anxiety to understand what these feelings meant. It made me realize I never knew how to love myself. I hope I can do the right thing for myself and for my partner, and learn how to love myself. I believe that I can be more, I want to be happy, and have the self-actualization to give and recieve love in the best way possible.

The sad part for me is I get this videos after first breakup. Now I can’t save my relationship…